All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E20 - The Novocaine Mutiny (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [military drum beat]

[clears throat]

The contention is
that the accused,

with intent to usurp
lawful military authority,

did, at the 4077 Mobile
Army Surgical Hospital,

on or about
October 11, 1952,

willfully attack
his commanding officer,

Major Frank Burns,

and did illegally
take command.

This preliminary
hearing is to determine

whether the facts
in this case indicate

that a court-martial
should be conducted

and whether the accused,

Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce,

should stand trial
under Article 94

on the charge of mutiny.

Is that clear, Captain?

Crystal, Colonel.

Ali "Babber"
to the end, aren't you?

How'd you like a
grenade in your truss?

[raps gavel]

Order.

As these charges have been
brought by Major Burns,

the court requests that
he open the proceedings

by answering a few questions.

-Take the stand, Major.
-Yes, sir.

You swear that the
evidence you shall give

shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?

Absotively.

A simple "I do"
will be sufficient.

I do, sir.

I'm certain you comprehend

the seriousness
of your charge, Major.

The penalty for mutiny,
after all, is death

or such other punishment
as the court may direct.

I comprehend okay.
Death or worse.

Besides my life,

-Frank wants my virginity.
-We all do.

-If only I'd known.
-[gavel raps]

Now, Major,

you have served with
the accused for some time.

All too long, Colonel. [sighs]

Had he ever indicated to you

that he might
consider mutiny?

The man's a born
troublemaker, sir.

He has no respect
for his superiors

and seems almost
deliberately kind to
those beneath him.

He's immoral, unmilitary,
and unpatriotic.

Under my framed picture
of Senator McCarthy,

he wrote in big letters,

"Know your enema."

Is that all?

Well, isn't that enough?

I mean, are you finished?

Oh yes, except to say
that people like Pierce

are a menace to the
American way of life...

as I see it.

Unless we each conform,
unless we obey orders,

unless we follow
our leaders blindly,

there is no possible way
we can remain free.

You may take
your seat, Major.

Your fly is open.

Captain Pierce?

Do you swear the
evidence you shall give

shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing
but the truth,

-so help you God?
-I do.

You have any
opening remarks?

Yes.

Unaccustomed as I am
to public lynching,

let me say that even
the army must surely
have better things to do

than to listen to
the ravings of a man

with enough mold on his brain

to produce a quart
of penicillin.

Sticks and stones,
your Honor.

Major Burns
has had it in for me

ever since I
suggested he created

more widows and pallbearers
than salmonella.

Would you say
that your lack of respect

for the major's medical skills

might have been the cause
for the alleged mutiny.

There was no mutiny.

It's his medical skills
that are alleged.

I'd say that
Major Burns snapped

under the burden of command

and that he never
should have been put

in the position of command.

And if the politicians
of the world

hadn't failed
to keep the peace,

he'd be back in Indiana
right now

with his cozy
little malpractice

and meeting his receptionist
two afternoons a week

at the Golden Goose Motel.

That's a lie!

Don't leave your
unopened mail around.

That's hitting
below the belt.

-Beats hanging.
-[gavel raps]

That'll do.

Perhaps at this time
we'd better hear from
Colonel Sherman Potter.

Colonel Potter?

You swear the evidence
you shall give

shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing
but the truth,

-so help you God?
-I do.

If you would start at
the beginning, please, sir?

Very well. On 5 October,
I was preparing to depart

for six days of R&R in Tokyo.

Oh, I can do all
that for you, sir,

-after you've gone.
-It's no trouble.

Well, don't you
want to get started,

-before it gets dark?
-For Pete's sake,

it's only 8:00
in the morning.

[giggling] I forgot.

Major, I know
you're not giggling

'cause you're wearing
feathered underwear.

You just can't wait
to park your can
behind this desk.

I am second in command, sir.

Let's not do too much
second-in-commanding

while I'm gone, right?

I prefer to lead by example,

-to command through respect.
-Mm-hmm.

But if all else fails,

a leader can't hesitate
to kick a few keisters.

Oh?

Ah, I think it was
Napoleon who said,

"Without discipline,
an army is no more

"than a bunch of guys

"all wearing the
same color clothes."

Napoleon?

Might've been Mussolini.

-Jeep's ready, sir.
-Thank you, Radar.

Take care of these
papers for me, would ya?

Yes, sir. I radioed Tokyo
and told 'em

-you're on your way.
-Radio Tokyo I'm on my way.

-I'll look after Burns,
-And look after Burns.

All I'm saying is don't go
loco with the discipline.

I'll only be gone six days,
so easy does it.

Of course, sir.
Have a nice time,

and, uh, don't do
anything I wouldn't do.

I don't know
that I'd want to do

anything you would do.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Only six days, Colonel?

God created the universe
in six days.

Here's the morning mail,
Major Pussycat.

Of course,
God wasn't surrounded

by a bunch of flakes.

[cackles]

Colonel Potter's chair
wasn't even cold

before Frank decided
to re-create the 4077

in his own weird image.

I object to the word "weird."

How about warped?
Bizarre? Balmy?

-Perverted? Loony? Loopy?
-Dippy.

I'm gonna sue all of you.

No doubt for definition
of character.

[gavel raps]

Captain Pierce.

Please give the court
some examples

of the major's alleged...
peculiarities.

Well, on the very first day,

Frank observed that the M
in MASH stood for "mobile,"

so he had us break
down the entire unit

and move it across
the road.

Frank has definitely
flipped out.

Flipped like a fox.

He's obviously picked up

a couple hundred
trusses cheap.

Now he's creating
a demand for them.

[whistle trilling]

Come on! Chop-chop!
Get the lead out.

This is a war, you know.

You see?
I told you it was a war.

But no, you keep saying
we're both dreaming.

How could we be in
each other's dreams?

How could I be in Korea?
More important,

why is this chicken
outfit crossing the road?

So we moved.

And then the next day,
we moved right back again.

-M stands for "mobile."
-Also for meshuggah.

The major then insisted
on cold showers,

calisthenics, parades,
retreats, and snap inspections.

Now, let's face it, Colonel.

All that discipline
is a bit much to expect

from a bunch
of dumb doctors.

True.

Worst of all, I guess,
Major Burns ordered a ban

on the camp's chief
source of culture:

gambling.

But then,
boys will be boys.

What do you do, Radar?

-I'm thinking.
-Another first.

Come on! You giving
this hand up for Lent?

Give it a rest, Zale.

He needs time.

What do you care?
You're ahead 50 bucks.

The Lord moves
in mysterious ways.

Okay, I'll see ya.

Read 'em and weep.
Three little ladies. [laughs]

Is that all you got?
Three queens?

I got a straight.

How'd ya like to buy
a half interest
in a minefield?

Chickee! Chickee!

-What's going on?
-Uh, spelling bee, Frank.

-Go ahead, B. J. "Cretin."
-Cretin.

C-R-E-T-l-N. Cretin.

What's a cretin?

A moron. A mental defective.

Let's hear it
for the horse's mouth.

I want this kitchen
to shine like my mother's.

You could've eaten
off her floors.

No plates, huh?

Oh, can the sauce, Sergeant.

Field Marshal Rommel said,

"You can judge an army
by its kitchens."

Yeah? In that case,
I guess your mother

could've licked Germany
single-handed.

Ah, droll. Queldroll.

Now let's see if your
freezer's equally amusing.

Shameful. Now, for openers,

I wanna see these carcasses
lined up according to height.

I'm ashamed to wear
the same uniform

as these wienies.

Where's the old
Army pride, Zale?

Beats the hell out of me, sir.

This is one sloppy
inspection, Sergeant.

And you don't seem
to give a solitary hoot.

Well, how would you feel
if you lost 300 bucks?

How? Where?

Well, uh, ou-out there.

Somewhere.
In the camp. Lost.

I mean, one minute
it was in my wallet,

and then the next minute, poof!

-Poof?
-Poof.

Three hundred dollars
just don't go poof

while I'm in command,
Sergeant.

You were robbed.
No question.

You're right, sir.
I must've been robbed.

Who were you with
just before you realized
you lost your boodle?

Well, as I recall, it was, uh,
Pierce, uh, Hunnicutt, uh...

Klinger, Radar and Father
Mulcahy, like that there.

Recreating with officers, huh?

Start tampering
with God's ways,

and the next thing you know,
$300 has taken a powder.

You're right, sir.
It's a curse from God.

Well, don't fear, soldier.

Nobody loses a dime while
Frank Burns is at the tiller.

Not too bad today.

Who's complaining?

Pierce! Hunnicutt!
That--

What do you think
you're doing

wearing
civilian underpants?

Is nothing sacred?

These happen
to be my mother's.

-Oh, really?
-They are.

She said as long
as I wore them,

nothing would
ever happen to me.

She figured that

since nothing
ever happened to her
when she wore them.

I'm here to
discuss something
besides underwear.

-Make it brief.
-Ohh! That's very bad.

Not funny, but fast.

It has come to
my attention

that Sergeant Zale
lost $300 last night.

Yeah. So?

So that means that there's
a thief around here.

Maybe more than one.

Frank, Zale
lost it gambling.

I beg your pardon?

Gambling, Frank. He was
playing poker with us.

Impossible.

Gambling's
been prohibited.

There is no gambling
in this unit.

Therefore the money
was stolen.

Can't argue with
that kind of logic.

I certainly wouldn't try.

My mother always
said two things:

"Never argue
with crazy people"

and "Always wear
clean underwear

"in case you get run
over by a tank

"and have to go
to the hospital."

-Wise woman.
-Okay, you two clever Dicks.

I'm gonna conduct
a search as only I can,

and the culprit or culprits
will be punished.

[chuckles] Frank, your
sanity's sprung a leak.

Oh, we'll see.
And when I find that money,

you'll be laughing
out of the other side
of your sleeve.

His mills grind slowly.

But exceedingly dumb.

You may stand
down, Captain.

We will now have
a brief recess.

FRANK: I think it's going
very well, don't you?

Corporal
Radar O'Reilly, sir.

Radar?

Uh, sometimes I know
things are gonna happen

before they do, sir.

My mom says I get it
from my uncle Ernest.

He knew he was gonna
die about a week before
it happened,

so he moved next door
to the undertaker

so he wouldn't have
so far to travel.

Be seated.

Yes, sir.

Is this all right, sir?

Is what all right?

The way I'm sitted?

You're sitted fine.

You appreciate the gravity
of this hearing, Corporal?

Oh, yes, sir.

If eventually found guilty,

Captain Pierce
could be hanged.

Why does he keep
saying that?

It'll never happen...

probably.

Now, then, Corporal.

You assisted Major Burns
in his search for the $300?

Yes, sir.

Please tell the court
the details from the beginning.

Well, our first stop
was Father Mulcahy's tent.

He's the camp priest.

Prepare to search,
Corporal.

Gee, sir, I don't think
we should be in here.

It's like ransacking
a church.

This isn't a church,
and I'm not ransacking.

Remember, he's a father
but also a man

and open to temptation
like the rest of us.

[gasps] You think
he swiped all that stuff?

No, I don't think
he swiped all that stuff.

Oh, I just figured if
a priest could be tempted,

that's the kind
of stuff he'd steal.

You know, you're
a certifiable cretin.

Cretin.
C-R-I-T-E-N. Cretin.

Wrong.

Hey! He's got extras.

What do you mean, extras?

I thought he had
just the one collar.

Why should he have just one?

What do you think he did when
it got dirty or wore out?

Converted?

RADAR: The next tent
we searched in

was Corporal Klinger's.

Degenerate.

Now tell the truth.

Would you be caught
dead in this?

It's way too
long for me, sir.

You're another sicko.

I'm just searching
for stolen money.

It could be
hidden anywhere.

You didn't
run your fingers

through Father Mulcahy's
collars, sir.

Sorry.

This Corporal Klinger...
She's a nurse?

[laughs]
Oh, no, sir.

If I may, sir,
Corporal Klinger
is a corpsman.

He's a good soldier.

He'd prefer to
be a good civilian.

Toward that end,

-he dresses, uh...
-In dresses.

Bucking for a Section 8?

The man does his job.
I'll give him that.

I'm not saying I'd want
an entire company of Klingers.

Unless, of course,
Christian Dior
attacks Pearl Harbor.

-Carry on, Corporal.
-Oh, yes, sir.

The next tent
was Captain Pierce's

and Captain Hunnicutt's's.

What're you looking
for, Frank?

His marbles.

Are you
with him, Radar,

or are you
independently crazy?

-I'm helping the major.
-Do what?

I don't know.

Well, he couldn't
have gotten a better
man for the job.

Come on, Frank.
You can tell us.

I'm looking
for $300, bub.

As if you didn't know.

Frank, it wasn't stolen.

I don't really think
either of you took it.

-Officers don't steal.
-Right.

We don't go to
the toilet, either.

We just explode
when we're 50.

Finally, the major searched
the last place. Mine.

-Aha!
-[gasps]

The eyes always
give the guilty away.

They're the windows
to the soul.

[snickers]

[yelps]

The little rat bit me!

What's he doing on a
military installation anyway?

Oh, h-he pulls
his weight, sir.

He's like a watchdog.

And where'd the
lettuce come from?

The mess tent.
It's garbage.

That garbage is
meant for our boys.

It's not to be
used to feed gophers.

-He's a guinea pig.
-Who cares?

They do.

Don't tell me
he sleeps with you.

I'm hoping to
do better, sir.

In spite of his
diligent search,

Major Burns never found
the missing money?

No, sir.
I know for a fact he didn't.

Because you had it
all the time?

You're sworn
to tell the truth.

Yes, sir. I did, sir.

Where was it hidden,
Corporal?

Inside my teddy bear.

I knew I should've
ripped the stuffings out

of the dirty little bugger

when I had
the opportunity.

Wouldn't you have
felt a little silly

if the money hadn't
been inside that bear?

I wasn't talking
about the bear.

I think we have
a pretty clear picture

of the breakdown of command

that led to the
events of 11 October.

Now I would call
on Major Burns

to tell the court
exactly what transpired
on that day.

With pleasure, sir.

-HAWKEYE:
Kellye, let me see this.
-All right. Here you go.

[operating room chatter]

FRANK [narrating]:
It was one of those days
that, more than most,

reminds us that war,

however much we may enjoy it,

is no strawberry festival.

[chattering, shouting]

Nurse Johnson.
Nurse Johnson?

You called, Doctor?

More wounded.
Send me more wounded.

Major Burns,
you're only human.

You've only got
two hands.

Well, if I have
two hands,

why have I
only one patient?

Yes, I'm through here.
Litter!

[explosion]

[Johnson screams]

Buck up, Nurse.

Think of it as
the rockets' red glare.

Come on, Frank.
Let up on us.

We've been going at it
for six hours straight.

What about all these
wonderful freckled
youngsters?

Do you think they knocked
off after six hours?

Or eight? Or ten?

Do you think they
punched out after 5:30?

-Thank you, Doctor.
-For what?

Just for being you.

Shameful.
Asleep at the switch.

Must I do
everything myself?

[explosions]

Oh, Lord,
I'm losing this one!

-Steady, Pierce.
-But he's hemorrhaging

and all we're out
of blood type B.

-I'm type B.
-No, Doctor, you mustn't.

I must or be a traitor
to my Hippocratic oath.

-Take over here.
-Yes, Doctor.

[grunts]

[exhales]

This'll probably
save his life, Frank.

Saving lives is
my business, Mister.

Besides O.R., I was
responsible for pre-op.

He's first. You can wait.

He's next. Give him
a unit of whole blood.

Very bad. I'll do
this one personally.

[speaks Latin]

Back to
the front, soldier.

Keep 'em coming!

-Gloves.
-Come on, Frank.

Give us a break.
We're only human.

Are they less so, Hunnicutt,
because they're bleeding?

Would you minister
only to the healthy
and the able-bodied?

They're coming
too fast, Frank.
We're not machines!

Shall I ask them to
die slower, Pierce?

We can't do it, Frank!
We can't!

You're asking too much!

I'm taking over!

You're mad! Mad!

Mediocrity's
no crime, Frank!

The major's version
of what happened was,

to say the least,
fascinating.

It was, to say
the most, perjury.

No, to be fair,

I have no doubt that he
remembers it that way.

More's the pity.

And, of course,
there was some truth
to what he said.

It was October 11,
and we were in Korea.

Other than that...

[operating room chatter]

Hold it! Hold it!
Dress him.

There's no
double-parking here.

Clamp.

I can't put him to sleep.

He's in shock.

This patient isn't stable.

Which of us is?

I'm not kidding, damn it.

I'm not operating
on this man

till he gets a few
units of blood.

Same here.
I cut into this patient
with his hemoglobin,

he's gonna stroke out.

Frank, get in here! Frank!

Oh! Watch it, clumsy!

In your ear!

Frank, this kid
needs a transfusion,

and B.J.'s patient
is likely to croak

during his operation.

Oh, pick, pick, pick!

Is that all you guys can do?

Frank, what are you
doing out there?

He's adapted Henry Ford's
principles to medicine.

He sends the wounded
in on an assembly line,

and we're supposed to
attach the headlights.

[explosions]

-Was that a bomb?
-Uh, no, Frank.

Someone's playing
their World War II album.

Frank, pre-op means
preparation. Prep 'em!

Listen, they're
backing up out there.

With all this
shelling going on,

there'll be more
and more wounded!

We'll overflow!
We'll be buried alive!

That beats their being
buried dead, Frank.

Now get out there
and practice medicine,

or I'm gonna report you
to Lionel Barrymore.

I'm your superior
officer, Pierce.

You will not talk to me
in that insolent manner!

Frank, you can either
help the wounded

or become one.

[groans]

Thank you, nurse.

You may just have
saved countless lives.

-Father, take over in pre-op.
-Right!

Klinger, get rid
of this mess.

Yes, sir!

Gentlemen, I have weighed
the evidence carefully--

not merely the testimony

but the records
of those involved.

I have no doubt that
Captain Pierce is a prankster

and thoroughly unmilitary.

But the records indicate

that he's
a top-flight surgeon.

Lord knows I wouldn't
want to lead

a company of Pierces
into battle...

but I'd sure as hell
want him around

when that battle was over.

Colonel, what do
the records indicate

about my surgical skills?

If you hadn't been
drafted as a doctor,

I think you'd have been
assigned as a pastry chef.

In my judgment, no case
of mutiny exists,

and I'll advise
that the charges

against Captain Pierce
be dropped.

-Court adjourned.
-[gavel raps]

You beat the rap,
Baby Face.

I owe it all to clean
living and fancy footwork.

-Congratulations, Pierce.
-Me too, sir.

Well,
no hard feelings.

I guess it's not
your fault justice
got hoodwinked.

You can't be blamed for
trying to save your neck.

But I do have a bone to
pick with that colonel.

Haven't you had
enough for one day?

Well, that's just it, sir.

I won't allow his innocence

to be a blot on my record.

Do you think we could
just sneak away

-and leave him here?
-[door closes]

Frank's too sharp for that.

He always leaves
a trail of bread crumbs.

Having wagered my life,

this childish sport
holds no challenge.

-No guts, huh?
-Or words to that effect.

What are you gonna do,
Sergeant?

Don't rush me.
I'm thinkin'.

-Another first.
-A bluff if I ever heard one.

Did I tell you?

I never rescinded
my order against gambling,

and there they are,
breaking it.

You know, I've been burned
with three of a kind before.

It's gettin' so I
can smell a straight.

[clears throat]

Two, three, four,
five, and five.

-[laughs]
-A pair of 5s.

-A crummy pair of 5s!
-Bravo, Beej.

-You can win here
with a pair of 5s, huh?
-B.J.: Yes, sir.

In the immortal words
of Napoleon, deal me in.

New player, new game,
gentlemen.

-Cards, please.
-[chatter]

♪♪ [theme]