All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E02 - Rainbow Bridge (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme plays]

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some
saki and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Oh yeah, Tokyo's the town
that I love the best ♪

♪ East maybe east
and west maybe west ♪

♪ Forget about the Twain
It'll drive you insane ♪

♪ And teach you things
you never knew before ♪

Just a high buff, please.
No polish.

You have very
strong hands, sir.

Oh, thank you, Klinger.

My father gave 'em
to me for graduation.

He had to.
Mom gave me a pen
and pencil set.

I sure wish I was
going with you.

-Tokyo's the greatest.
-Yeah.

In just a few
short hours,

these hands will be
hopelessly in love

with some young lady of
the geisha persuasion.

Mmm, that runs into money.

No, not really.

A full evening with
a Japanese hostess

comes to only about $30.

Of course,
batteries are extra.

Very nice.
You really do a
good job, Klinger.

Well, I'm not just
another pretty face.

[Trapper moans]

You're a rat for not
taking me to Tokyo with you.

I'm a married man, honey.

I only go out with girls
who don't know that.

[scoffs]

They're off again.

Only one thing on their
pleasure-depraved minds:

-debauchery, lust.
-What was that, Frank?

Fine ambassadors for
the medical profession.

First they'll check into
some sleazy little hotel,

probably shower, freshen up,
like people of that type do.

And then they'll go down
to the bar,

a dark little pickup place,
and there'll be those girls

with tight satin skirts
perched up on high bar stools

sitting there
with their legs crossed.

And these two lechers
will slither up to them
and, you know.

What, Frank?
What do I know?

Hey, what are you going to
miss around here the least?

I think looking down
and seeing a rat using
my shoelace for dental floss.

You?

Be nice to go for three days
without amputating anything.

Ah. Three days without
shaking hands with
somebody's gall bladder.

For your divine help in
granting us this sabbatical,

we give thanks, O Lord.

You rang?

I didn't know He
made house calls.

Well, Tokyo,
here you come, I see.

-We're off to see the wizard.
-And who's that?

How do we know?
We haven't met her yet.

I hate to interfere with
your rest and relaxation--

[chuckles]

...but I do have a short
shopping list from some
of the gang,

and, of course,
the filthy lucre
to pay for same.

-What do we got here?
-Oh, the usual:

cameras, lenses, watches.

A training bra?

-Can't be for anybody we know.
-Klinger.

Understandably, there's
some gaps in my education.

What exactly is
a training bra?

It's just like
an ordinary one,

only it has two
little wheels in back.

Well, have a nice
trip, boys. Be good.

And if you can't be good,
be careful.

Aren't we lucky
to have such a nice Father?

It's for the trip.

Oh, I thought you were
signaling a left
and a right turn.

[chuckles]

I'll have to remember that.

Why don't you watch
where the hell--

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
I thought you were
a regular person.

Quite all right.

Are you guys gonna be
at the Daichi Hotel?

I mean, I may have
to call you,

in case things start jumping
back here at the ranch.

We're kinda off
the Daichi, Henry.

Too near the railroad.
Noisy.

They asked you not
to come back, right?

They said we
were too loud.

Some of the guests
complained

they couldn't hear
the railroad.

Look, either of you clowns know
Yamashida Street, in Tokyo?

Yeah, sure.
It runs parallel to the Ginza.

That's right.
There's a Japanese restaurant
right on the corner.

Hey, how about that?
They got a Japanese
restaurant in Tokyo.

And there's a book shop,
next door.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Now, they got
this package for me.

Just give 'em this,
34 bucks,

and say you're
Orville Carver.

[chuckles]
Who's Orville Carver, Henry?

Well, they think I am.

But they've never seen me,

so they'll think either
one of you guys is.

What's in
the package, Henry?

Japanese prints.
Old ones.

I mean, some things
never change...

if you get my drift.

Henry, you have
all the subtlety of
a community bedpan.

Just get the prints.

Excuse me, sirs.

You got a shopping
list, Radar?

You want us to buy you
a new pair of glasses
at the dime store?

How about another
pair of Dr. Dentons?

I hear they came out
with a new power flap.

Sign here, Colonel.

Radar, I spent the entire
morning signing my name.

Now, why didn't you
have me sign this

while I was signing
all those other things

I was signing my name to,

which I didn't know why
I was signing them either?

-Signing.
-Sir, this is new business.

A whole truckload of plasma
just rolled in.

-Ah, great!
-Terrific.

Every time we get a new
truckload of plasma,

we get a truckload of
wounded to pump it into.

Well, let's go, Radar.

We'll have a bunch
of shot-up kids
showing up soon.

Won't need this.
Better suit up, guys.

Whatever you say, Orville.

[helicopter whirling]

[horn honking]

TRAPPER: Come on,
close that. Let's go.

Please remember
the sponge count, girls.

-You too, Mr. Kwang.
-Yes, Major.

I should be in Tokyo now,

up to my pectorals
in warm water...

surfacing only occasionally
to be fed raw fish

by a pretty,
little "orienta."

-Give me the heavier silk.
-I'm sorry, doctor. Here.

Boy, I'd sure love to send
my hips out for a walk.

Come on, give me that.
Let's go, Nurse.

Let's not make a big
thing out of this.

HAWKEYE:
Okay, wrap this one
to go, Mr. Kwang.

Yes, doctor.

[fighter jet roars overhead]

Hello, toots.
What are you doing
after the war?

Don't be a wise guy, sir.

Hiya.

This guy's got a simple
laceration. He can wait.

I'm closing a routine
flesh wound here.

-Henry, who's on triage?
-Hold it.

I've got a bowel that's
talking back to me here.

-Here.
-I didn't ask for this.

-I thought you would need it.
-Then I probably do.

-Frank volunteered.
-Figures.

Frank would volunteer
for a firing squad.

-Or to be in front of it.
-Or both.

Colonel, I protest this attack

on Major Burns' character
in his absence.

Actually, we're attacking
his absence of character.

No kidding, Henry.
We gotta start getting
our casualties in here

-in the right priority.
-No question.

You can do this, Major.

-I'm not sterile.
-Congratulations.

FRANK: Okay, men.
Hustle, hustle, hustle.

Let's move it.
Let's move it.

And back here
on the double!

[indistinct chatter]

Father, this is
a medical situation.

-We're busy in here.
-Oh, I'm just wetting
his lips, Major.

Well, wet 'em
somewhere else.

-Frank, what are you doing?
-What do you mean,
"What am I doing?"

I'm doing my duty.
That's what I'm doing.

Oh, really? Got a good
ingrown toenail case?

Anybody with adenoids?
Diaper rash?

Get off this bus, Captain.

The purpose of
triage, Major,

is to select patients
for immediate surgery.

Oh, you teaching me
medicine now?

[snorts]
That's rich.

Why do you keep sending us
cases that can wait?

Now, listen, hotshot.
I'm a pretty fair
doctor myself.

Ask any of my patients.

We can't dig people up
just for that.

This man's got a chest wound.
He oughta be in O.R. right now.

He happens to be Chinese.

Then we'll operate
with chopsticks.

Corpsman,
get this guy inside.

Now, don't you dare,
and that's an order!

I'm busy now, Frank.
I'll take your order later.

I remind you,
Captain Pierce,

Army standard triage
procedure is as follows.

American wounded, first.
Allies, second.

Enemy, last.
Repeat, last.

Frank, that man is bleeding
more than anybody in here,

with the possible
exception of your nose

if you don't get
out of my way.

Let's go.
Get him inside.

Now what you're doing
is mutiny!

I'm command of this bus!

"Mutiny on the Bus."
It was a B-movie.

They couldn't afford a bounty.

Allen Jenkins played
the bus driver.

MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Battle action has terminated.
No incoming wounded.

Colonel Blake commends
the unit

and invites everyone
to have a drink--

Dutch treat.

-Hawk, coffee's up.
-Fine. Pour it in my ear.

-Come on.
-Don't want any.

I'll take two
lumps with mine.

Ahh.

I got a casualty count
before we left O.R.

You want to know
how many cases we handled
in the last 36 hours?

-No, not really.
-473.

I think that's an all-timer.

We did, um, 18 laporotomies,
21 busted femurs,

-16 bowel resections--
-Captain, can we put a lid
on the shop talk, please?

You know, for once
I agree with him.

-I said that.
-I know.

Let me have some more
of that sugar,

only this time no coffee.

-I've gotta talk to y'all.
-Sorry, Henry.

We've thought it over,
and we're quitting.

Yeah, we got a better offer
from another war.

Saturdays and Sundays off,

and we don't have
to do windows.

Read this.

Read this.

Read this.

Well, blow my nose.

Colonel, is this true?

Radar took the call.
It came in on the radio.

It's from the Chinese.

The Chinese called us?

They're probably dying for
some American takeout food.

No, they've got
nine shot-up G.I.s

on their side
of the line,

and they need more attention
than the Chinese can handle.

So they're willing to
have us come and get 'em.

And here are
the conditions.

One vehicle, uh, driver,
doctors, corpsmen only.

No guns.
Not even sidearms.

The pickup point is
a place called, uh,

uh, Rainbow Bridge.

It's 50 miles inside
their territory.

-It's a trap!
-Absolutely.

They're savages.

I say, we should go.

When are you going to learn
about Chinese treachery?

Didn't Pearl Harbor
teach you anything?

It could be a trap, Trap.

Oh, yes.

Well, I'm afraid this is what
you call your command decision.

It's "lonely at the top" time.

Strictly something
for your leader.

-Well, Henry?
-Oh, golly.

Whatever you people decide
is fine with me.

Have a drink.

[collective arguing]

-Wait a minute.
-[collective arguing]

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

We are all doctors,
with one notable exception.

We have no choice
but to go pick them up.

He's right.
The Chinese have
no antibiotics.

No real surgical setup.

Their way of treating a simple
fracture is by amputation.

Well, boo-hoo
for the Chinese.

They're pretty clever
when they wanna be.

They invented gunpowder,
spaghetti, pigtails.

"Little Feet for Women,"
by Louisa May Alcott.

The major's point is
that they're trying to

suck us into a situation
and set us up for a wipeout.

Spaghetti?

A map of Rainbow Bridge, sir.

There it is, in blue.

Right next to Boardwalk
and Park Place.

This thing here that looks
like somebody's belly
is China.

That can't be 20 miles
from their border.

Jumpin' butterballs.

Right in the middle of the
yellow horde's ball park.

-HAWKEYE: Frank?
-Hmm?

If you say "yellow horde"
one more time

while the war is
still in motion,

I'm gonna cut out your tongue
and use it for a pen wiper.

You still won't face
reality, will you?

Perfect ambush country.

Knock a few MASH
doctors off,

and break down the
morale of our brave,

freckle-faced kids
at the front.

Can I please say something?

Anything but
"yellow horde."

That's his.

I'm not unfamiliar with
the Chinese approach to war.

Her father fought in France,
in World War I.

Ambushed to one side,

I think we must consider
the possibility of capture,

torture, brainwashing,
and, yes, even rape.

Rape a doctor?

I'll hit 'em with my purse.

Radar, could I get
a cup of coffee, please?

Yes, Colonel.
Anybody else?

How about you,
ma'am, sir?

I don't know. Going up there
without any protection

might just be
asking for it.

Henry, we know the Chinese
are more decent

with our wounded than
the North Koreans.

Yeah, they know we give
their wounded a break.

I think it's
a real offer.

Yeah, but if it's not,
if you guys get killed,

I'll never hear
the end of it.

Cream without sugar.
Sugar without cream.

And black without cream,
and no sugar.

Henry?

Radar, I'll need a driver
and a corpsman.

Volunteers, sir?

Thank you, Radar.

I knew I could
count on you.

FRANK: Colonel Blake,
I would like to go on record.

-We would.
-That's right. She and me.

We. You have made
a disastrous decision.

Well, what do you want?
It's his first one.

He'll get better.

Henry.

-Uh, uh, sir?
-Yo.

Uh, excuse me, but I think
you volunteered me

a little quick there.

[jet engine roaring]

They're a pair
of fools for going.

Grandstand play,
that's what it is.

Mock heroics.

I've never seen
anything "mocker."

Then again...

Can I be frank, Frank?

Margaret, I feel that
if we absolutely have to,

we can be honest
with each other.

Then I think you should
consider going along.

It could mean a citation,
maybe even a promotion.

But, uh,
what about the danger?

I've got to be honest,
I'm afraid of death.

Nobody's crazy
about it, Frank.

But, sometimes,
it's necessary.

Well, there is
another consideration.

Uh, I'm a married man.

No kidding?
I'd forgotten.

You haven't mentioned her
for three or four hours.

Well, talking about my wife
is really hitting me
below the belt

at a time like this.

Frank, there isn't a man
in this war who isn't afraid.

Including me.

But what you've
got to do,

is harness that great mass
of cowardly energy you have.

Margaret,
you're so good for me.

You just have to talk,
and it gets my gumption up.

You're just a big,
grown-up boy, aren't you?

Take a gun along, Frank.

-What?
-Just in case.

But they said not to.
Not even sidearms.

Who said, Frank?
The Chinese, Frank?

Are we taking orders from
the Chinese now, Frank?

It was my mother's.

Dad gave it to her
on their wedding night.

He must have loved her
very much.

"To my little shot
from her big shot.

"Your loving husband...

Lt. Colonel Alvin F.
Houlihan, regular army."

Keep it hidden, Frank.
Nobody has to know.

If I shouldn't
come back...

Kiss me, Frank.

You'd better put
the gun on safety.

Come on, George.

-How we doin', Trap?
-We got a ton of stuff.

We could stay on
the road for weeks.

Suits me.
I don't wanna open on
Broadway until we're ready.

Just stay on
this route, Radar,

-and nothing will
happen to you.
-Yes, sir.

You're gonna be fine, Radar.

The Chinese are very fond
of miniatures.

Cut it out, sir!
I'm no scareder
than you are!

TRAPPER: Then you're
in a lot of trouble.

Corporal Klinger.
Volunteering for
corpsman duty, sir.

Really, Klinger?

-HAWKEYE: Terrific.
-What the hell?

Maybe I can get out
for bravery.

I'm sure not making it
for "nuts-ery."

Come on.
I'll show you the map.

Hypocrites at 3:00, over.

Colonel Blake.

Major Burns is
here to volunteer

for this extremely dangerous
and patriotic mission.

-Is that right, Frank?
-You heard me.

Welcome aboard, Frank.

We knew you'd wanna be
where the action is,

you big monkey.

If I don't come back, honey,

be sure that our son, Henry,
gets a good education.

Oh... stop it.

As for me, I think
Ralph Bellamy said it
best, when he said,

"If I can't get the girl,
at least get me more money."

Time's wasting, guys.

Good luck.

-I'm not going.
-FATHER MULCAHEY:
Hold it, boys!

-Just wanna wish
you all the best.
-Right on the ball.

Lord, bless
this mission of mercy.

Protect these brave men,

and return them safely
with their charges.

Amen.

Thanks, Father.

He's really very good,
isn't he?

-Tops.
-I feel guilty.

We tried to get
Pat O'Brien.

[engine starting]

[whistle blowing]

Roll 'em!

[acoustic guitar playing]

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some
saki and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Tokyo's the town
that I love the best ♪

♪ East maybe east
and west maybe west ♪

♪ Forget about the Twain
It'll drive you insane ♪

♪ And teach you things
you never knew before ♪

Okay, keep your eyes open.
We're getting close.

Okay, stop, stop.

I think our table
is ready.

Radar, you and
Klinger hang back.

Those are Russian
burp guns.

They fire 30 rounds
a second.

Thank you,
Dr. Morale.

It's a good thing
I brought a piece.

-Piece of what, Frank?
-A gun, ya jerk.

I got it stuck
in my belt.

Frank, if they find
that gun on you,

they're gonna play Mahjongg
with our teeth later.

Frank, are you out of
what's left of your mind?

Now, if they start anything,

I'll take out the officer,

and you disarm the ones
with the guns.

[nervous chuckle]

Bite your Mao Tse-tung.

Keep it out of sight.

I'd like to see
my wife again.

I'd like to see
anybody's wife again.

I'm Dr. Lin Tan.
Army of the People's Republic.

I'm Dr. Pierce.

Uh, Dr. Burns.

Dr. McIntyre.

We're doctors, too.
All three of us.

We three. Hi.

Here's a list
of your wounded.

All require more medical
attention than we can provide.

You speak very good
English, doctor.

-University of Illinois.
-No kidding?

Our commanding officer
went to Illinois.

Well, there's no need for us
to get friendly here.

Uh, Henry Blake.

Uh, about 6'3",
narrow shoulders,

big hips, uh, sort of
shaped like a pear.

We'd better do it.

If you have observed
our conditions,

the procedure
is as follows.

You will bring your vehicle
across bridge slowly.

[shouting order in Chinese]

Frank!

Come on, let's have it.

Have what?

Give it to 'em, Frank,

before they give us
a .32-caliber enema.

What's the matter
with you guys?

You gonna side with me
or the R-E-D?

Frank, the R-E-D speaks
English better than Y-O-U do.

You have violated
the agreed conditions.

Your wounded will remain
with us.

[shouting order in Chinese]

-Doctor, hold it!
-Wait a minute!

Look, you're doing
something decent

in the middle of
a giant indecency.

Don't endanger nine men
just because some idiot

wants to do his
General Custer impersonation.

Yeah, doctor.
Don't blow it now.

Is it not enough that
your planes harass us

day and night?

It makes it impossible for me
to treat my own people.

We make a civilized gesture,

and you respond by
coming here with a gun,

ready to shoot us down.

All right, Frank.
Come on, give it up.

What the hell is that?

Comes in a box
of Cracker Jacks.

[laughing]

It's also a whistle.

[shouting order in Chinese]

Radar, Klinger, come on!

TRAPPER:
Okay.

HAWKEYE: Get up there
and get something,
will ya, Frank?

-FRANK: Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah.
-MCINTYRE: Frank, come on.

FRANK:
Yeah, all right.

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some
sake and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

Boy, I don't mind
telling you now.

Boy, I was really scared
on that bridge.

I hear if they
take you prisoner,

they hit you in places
that are better left un-hit.

Oh, you guys were really great
with those casualties, though.

You know, I was thinking,
I'd like to be a doctor

when I get back
to the real world.

But I don't like being around
sick people that much,

so I guess that
would be a drawback.

I'm, uh, packing
your pajamas.

Maybe I shouldn't
even bother, huh?

[laughs]

You guys are really something.
I don't know how you do it.

I mean, 16 hours of surgery.
36 hours before that.

Trip to the bridge and back,
and now you're going to Tokyo.

Well...

if you ask me,
you guys are like supermen.

You're all set.

♪♪

[whispering]
Good night, supermen.

♪♪ [theme plays]