Original subtitles

It's about time, Mr. Lollygag.

I sent you to the store hours ago.

Sorry, Mom. I tried to drive fast but there were squirrels.

ADULT TIMMY: My mom and Frank had this weird co-dependency

where his happiness was tied to her happiness,

but so was her happiness.

- Hell's bells, real Cool Whip? - It was on your list.

- Oh... - You let him buy real Cool Whip?

Did I get a raise I don't know about?

I wrote Cool Whip with a "K," the cheap store brand.

Never buy anything spelled correctly.

At Ralph's you pay extra for grammar.

Been a long day. I'm gonna take a shower.

- It won't happen again, Mom. - I need to be able to count on you

while your dad's doing all this overtime.

[Southern accent] Greetings and salutations, madam!

I had been cast in a production of "Show Boat,"

playing a suave riverboat gambler.

Unfortunately, the only person from the South

I was familiar with was Foghorn Leghorn.

I say, I say, what a charming evening,

the scent of juniper filling the air.

- Oh. - It's not juniper,

it's Mom's boiled cabbage.

And you missed out!

Enjoy your peanut butter sandwich for supper.

Oh, I think we can do better than that for our star.

- Star. - I am the star!

I totally aced my audition.

How many male roles in this show?

Seventeen.

Maybe we should've put up more fliers.

♪

I'm making a Hungry-Man dinner for your dad. I'll throw one in for you.

He gets a Hungry-Man for showing up late? Why is Timmy so special?

Oh, he's only special compared to the rest of you.

Oh, you hear that? It's not you, it's us!

How'd rehearsal go?

Did you bring up my suggestion of adding a genie?

I doubt they'd have a genie on a Mississippi riverboat.

All I know is it works on that show.

This production has much bigger problems, Mom.

I'm doing the best work of my career,

but these sets are amateur hour.

It's called "Show Boat," and so far there's no boat.

Wendi says they can't spend any money on sets.

The whole point is raising funds for soccer equipment.

The whole point is reaching across those footlights

to bring a little magic into people's lives.

And what's more magical than a genie?

I'll shut up now.

I couldn't help overhear that your little show

might be in need of some nautical-themed items.

I am a man with influential friends and associates.

Uh-huh, you saw "The Godfather" again.

Seriously, how do you keep getting into that movie?

I am a man with influential

- friends and associates. - [Sighs]

I might be able to procure some boat stuff for your set.

What's that gonna cost me?

You insult me with offers of money.

But someday...

and this day may never come...

I will call upon you to do a service for me.

You're saying it may never come?

Oh... it'll come.

So, what have I been missing around here?

Anything interesting with the kids?

You skip a few nights at home,

you think they suddenly get interesting?

That's kind of interesting.

["Drunken Sailor" plays]

Oh, my God.

Joey got that for my show!

How does he get his mitts on crazy stuff like that?

Don't ask too many questions.

Otherwise, I might have to return my Ginsu knives.

I just hope there's not some ocean liner out there,

drifting around in circles.

Frank, you'll need to drive Timmy to his rehearsal.

He's not gonna be able to carry that wheel on his bike.

You've got the whole house jumping through hoops

just because you're in a show.

- It's not fair. - If it bugs you,

do something great that people like, like I do.

I'm great at important things like algebra and penmanship...

not lame stuff like musicals.

"Show Boat," lame?

Tell that to legendary theater impresario...

Florenz Ziegfeld.

Looking back, it's shocking

that my brothers didn't punch me more.

- ["Drunken Sailor" plays] - Hey!

Look what we brought!

A genuine captain's wheel? Far out!

Yeah, my brother got it for us for the Cotton Blossom.

Thanks so much, Frank!

[Laughing] Oh. Oh, no, no, I meant my...

I like to support the theater.

Aren't you late for your dumb nonsense?

Yeah.

Are you one of the actors, too, then?

No, I'm from the soccer team.

We're hoping to buy shin guards this year

so I can finally stop bleeding through my knee socks.

We tried to get her to be in the show because...

Uh-huh, because why?

You know, because it's set in the South, and...

you have such a beautiful singing voice.

I don't.

But I am the only black person in school.

[Snaps fingers] We should get this wheel backstage.

Ladies, I can handle it. I placed in the 75th percentile

for the President's Physical Fitness Test.

♪

Hey pal, look what Gino brought me.

A whole case.

- Check this out. - How'd you come across that?

[Chuckles] Well, let's just say it fell off the back of a truck.

- Is that what happened? - Pretty much.

Truck hit a speed bump, it fell off the back.

This pleases me.

You two have shown me great respect.

Oh, hey, can I try out your ring?

["Love Theme from The Godfather" plays]

[Ring whirring]

♪

MELISSA: I know what you're thinking, but no,

this wasn't done by professional carpenters.

It's terrible, but your wheel will definitely help.

For the record, I wanted to do a bake sale.

SISTER EUPHEMIA: Hold the work backstage!

The artists are attempting to engage the muse.

From the fourth bar.

Gaylord and Magnolia, feeling the first tender shoots

- of love's flowering. - [Piano plays]

TOGETHER: ♪ Might as well make believe ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ For to tell the truth ♪

♪ I do ♪

Lovely, children.

Nice working with you, kiddo. You've got some chops.

We might want to speak to costumes

about getting you some lifts.

There goes our money for the soccer team.

I should've gone to public school.

They have Title IX, pizza Fridays,

and other black people.

We'll never be ready by show night.

What if we went at this differently?

- Like a bake sale? - Forget the three-dimensional boat,

we could do something lightweight in two dimensions

- and suspend it from a traverse rod. - That sounds smart.

I placed in the 76th percentile in Engineering and Physics.

I would go with 2/10 scale with a forced perspective.

We'll build the ship...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...

10 Frank's feet long.

That sounds great, but we don't have time to start over.

We do if I help, and we keep it very simple.

We need a steam whistle, smoke machine, lots of lights,

and a rotating paddle wheel.

Your set will look like a million bucks.

We have ten.

Eight. I bought gum for the crew.

Where on Earth are you coming from, Frank?

I swear I heard you cleaning the gutters,

stomping around up there.

That possum must be putting on weight.

Sorry, Mom, I stuck around to help work on Timmy's sets.

Every day you put the gutters off,

that possum becomes a more formidable foe.

Why can't somebody else do the gutters, like Lawrence?

'Cause I told you to do it.

Yeah. Plus, I have that inner-ear thing.

Whenever I go up on a ladder, my inner ear hears the words,

"This seems like a Frank job."

Mom, guess what? I'm playing two roles now.

They asked me to also play Stevedore Joe,

so I get to sing "Old Man River"!

Isn't Joe an Afro-American?

It'll be my greatest acting challenge.

But no black-face. That's considered in poor taste now.

- Very good, Mom. - Hmm. Heard that

- from an Oriental. - Eh, there it is.

So, I'm thinking I want to keep helping the girls with the set.

- They really like my ideas. - Ideas.

No, I have much too much work for you to do around here.

Besides, I only have room in this family

for one insufferable show-off.

- Forward roll! - [Telephone ringing]

Here we go. [Laughs]

- Oh! - Wow.

- Cleary residence. - Hey, Frank.

- Oh, hi, Wendi. - Hey, thanks again

for all your help today.

Yeah, about that. I'm not sure...

Oh, we're asking too much, aren't we?

N...

I-I understand. It's just watching you today,

all lit up with inspiration,

this show started to get fun again.

Well, it's just I'm not sure...

- [Laughs] - Hey, hey.

- Whup! - Nice!

...how I'll be able to sleep tonight,

dreaming about putting that boat together.

- See you tomorrow, Wendi. - Is that my girlfriend?

Sorry you had to talk to Frank.

[Gags] Now the receiver smells like Frank breath.

♪ You an' me, we sweat an' strain ♪

To get away with defying Mom, Frank had to work double-duty,

still executing all her heinous chores

and then secretly slipping away to build sets with Wendi.

♪ An' you land in jaaaaiiiil... ♪

[Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" plays]

♪

What's up? Besides us.

- Ha! - No horseplay! I'm on a ladder.

Where did you get the scissor lift?

If I tell you, everyone gets one,

then they're not cool anymore.

That looks like pretty grim work.

It's not bad, except for the baby bird skeletons,

but I get the satisfaction of helping Mom.

More satisfaction than helping those girls from the play

who are your own age and not related to you?

Entertainment folk with their free and easy ways...

Nobody's "free and easy."

They're nice girls who just want to play soccer.

- ["Love Theme from The Godfather" plays] - How about I take over here for you

so you can go hang out with your show folk?

Then one day, you can do a favor for me.

♪

Okay.

But if isn't done to perfection, Mom'll know it wasn't me.

Relax, I'll do it exactly like someone

who is weirdly obsessed with the approval of his mother.

You better.

[Brakes squeal]

["Drunken Sailor" plays]

[Tires squeal]

[Door closes]

Where'd that thing come from?

I know a guy who knows a guy.

In court they're called accomplices.

Get down from there. You and I are going for seafood.

Hey, you know that favor you owe me?

I need it right now, and fast.

You think something like this is a harmless prank,

but folks have gone to jail for less.

- I don't want to go to jail. - No, you don't.

There are much better ways to see Johnny Cash for free.

But maybe if you and I go in the restaurant and you apologize,

we can smooth this over.

Okay.

But what am I apologizing for?

Seriously?

You're gonna sit there and deny that you stole that?

Stole what?

["Drunken Sailor" plays]

That wasn't there before.

[Tires squeal]

♪

Let's go. Come on.

Just point it at the backdrop and...

[Button clicks, projector whirring]

WENDI: Wow! So pretty, Frank.

You're an artist.

Is that somebody surfing on the Mississippi River?

Oh, I shot this at Zuma Beach.

We can splice that out.

You should be really proud.

I mean, you built a really great set.

And more importantly, got Melissa to stop yapping

about her bake sale.

I'm selling cupcakes in the lobby.

I don't care what anybody says.

- Places for dress rehearsal! - [Piano plays]

♪ Only make believe I love you... ♪

♪ Only make believe ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

- [Horn blowing] - TOGETHER: ♪ Others find peace of mind ♪

- ♪ In pretending... ♪ - [Applause, scattered cheers]

TIMMY: ♪ Couldn't you? ♪

MAGNOLIA: ♪ Couldn't I? ♪

TOGETHER: ♪ Couldn't we... ♪

- ♪ Make... ♪ - There I was, singing my guts out,

and all anyone was looking at was Frank's stupid boat.

[Crowd chanting]: Frank!

My pride kept me from caring what they thought...

- or it would have if I had any. - Forward roll!

[Chanting continues]

[Cheers]

Look, all I'm asking is you tone down the effects tomorrow night

so the audience notices I'm there.

Actors, they always think they're the ones

people come to see, but the star tonight was my set.

And me! I play the boat!

Okay, the stage crew liked it, sure, but tomorrow

is a paying audience of soccer team boosters...

a more sophisticated, European crowd.

I'm not changing a thing.

It's called "Show Boat," not Show Timmy.

Frank had gotten his first taste of that fleeting,

shallow showbiz glory that feels so much better

than actual love,

but it was supposed to mine.

And in taking it, he had made a powerful enemy.

Hey, Dad, why don't you get out that projector

and show us those home movies you took at the air show?

Outstanding idea.

- Mm-hmm. - Buckle up, kids.

Tonight we are soaring with the Blue Angels!

[Laughs]

His air show movies?

Really? Why would you do that to us?

I'll have to find my glasses with the fake open eyes.

We all agreed we'd only let him show those on Father's Day

and only if we forgot to get him a card.

And ever since we made that rule,

we have never forgotten the card.

Oh, come on. Those movies aren't so bad,

and it makes your dad happy when we watch 'em together.

- I'll be in the kitchen. - MIKE: Peg!

My Bell and Howell projector is gone!

Well, things have a way of disappearing around this house.

I can't keep a bra catalogue!

Your projector is missing?

- I don't know. - That's strange.

I might know who had something to do with this.

Joey!

You know anything about my missing projector?

No, Pop, but I can ask Mousey and Ray-Ray

- to check the word on the street. - Or maybe I can call the police

and have them search the premises,

including a certain, uh, tree house.

You don't have to call the police.

- I took your projector. - You took it?

I'm using it for special effects in "Show Boat."

Oh, maybe we should've taken you to the doctor

when you failed that hearing test at school and they said

it might be something serious, because I specifically told you

- not to work on "Show Boat." - I know, but I-I...

I like it. I'm good at it, and it makes me happy.

Is that the groovy, new trend now?

Everyone doing things that they're good at and being happy?

Plus the people there show me appreciation,

which never happens around here.

Hey, pal, your appreciation is

that we haven't sold you to the Gypsies.

Yeah, I'm starting to wonder what's really going on...

if this sudden interest in theater

is really an interest in those girls?

- What?! - Mm-hmm.

[Scoffs]

No! Wh-What's going on here

is you can't stand me doing something away from you

that isn't under your thumb!

I'm just trying to protect you from making a fool of yourself.

The only thing you're protecting me from

is having my own life

because it means maybe someday

I won't be at your beck and call!

You're so afraid to go out in the world and do things,

you just want the rest of us to be as afraid of the world as you are.

- Hey, knock it off! - Well, I'm not afraid!

And I'm not afraid of you.

I'm still scared of you, Mom.

Thank you, William.

You always know just what to say.

Once the idea of watching air show movies

got into his head, my dad couldn't sleep.

And he wasn't about to let the lack of a projector stop him.

Ooh, delta formation.

Such precision.

Whoa, they're flying backwards.

There you go.

[Thud in distance]

[Dog barking in distance]

["Drunken Sailor" plays]

Ahoy, buttheads. King crabs, straight from Seafood Fart.

Seriously bummed to see that "O" back.

Pull up the ladder in case of visitors.

My brother Pat climbs in his sleep.

One of the crabs got away from me when I was locking up my bike.

They trick you by running sideways.

- [Door closes] - Wow. These are almost as nice

- as the crabs I got from your sister. - [Laughter]

- I don't have a sister. - You have any girl cousins?

- Yeah. - Then it works.

- [Laughter] - Where were we? Oh, yeah,

I believe this is mine.

Again? Seriously?

Oh, you'll have a chance to win it back.

- Five card stud. - Look what I found in my tree...

some delinquent Keebler Elves.

Dad, you can't just barge in on a man's tree house.

I could've legally shot you.

[Grunts] My tree, my rules.

- Hi, Mr. Cleary. - Stay for a while, son.

I'm hurt you didn't invite me to your party.

You'll note mine's a cream soda.

I-I was planning on doing some scissor lifting later.

You do realize gambling's illegal in this state?

T-True, but we're 14 feet off the ground,

so technically, we're subject to astronaut law.

DAVEY: We don't always play for money, Mr. Cleary.

A lot of the times, Joey forgives our debts

if we're able to offer him a favor.

I got him that scissor lift from my dad's job site.

Mm. Looks like you called in a lot of favors.

I see radial tires, olive oil,

a wiggling sack of something.

As a responsible father,

there's only one way for me to handle this.

Deal me in.

[Chuckles]

DAVEY: Uh...

♪

Here's a little something I call the "Cleary"

because it's a...

full house.

Poor me with only two pair...

of the same thing.

- ["Drunken Sailor" plays] - That's better, isn't it?

[Laughs]

This feels like a good stopping point.

- Because you have all the money! - [Laughing] Yeah!

I mean, you're not seriously keeping it?

Uh, uh, your goal was to teach me a lesson, right?

Yeah, I like to get paid for my lessons.

I won this by cheating fair and square.

You cheated?

Yeah. [Chuckles]

But it's okay,

because we're under astronaut law.

- [Switch engages] - T-minus 10... 9...

8... 7...

It was finally show night.

A battle royale between me and a cardboard boat.

Fortunately, I had a secret weapon up my sleeve.

[Lighter clicking]

- Timmy, I need to talk to you. - Uh, s-s-sure... sure.

I guess Mom isn't coming tonight because of our fight.

Sorry about that. I know how her approval means a lot to you.

I think I understand now what it's like for you,

doing something that inspires you

while other people crap on it and try to hold you back.

Other people like me.

You have been one of my harshest critics.

You and that smug second grader

who writes those reviews for the school paper.

Well, she's a hack.

Good luck tonight.

Frank.

I asked Dad to show us his home movies last night

so Mom would find out and stop you from doing the show.

I was jealous of your set for upstaging me.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

If you hadn't done that, I might never have stood up to Mom.

I can't believe you were jealous.

No one's ever been jealous of me before.

Except for Mrs. Strausser, who raves about my skin.

I'm not proud of what I did, Frank.

Mostly because it didn't work.

[Both laugh]

Seriously, I wish it had worked. I hated that damn boat.

♪ Ol' man river ♪

♪ Dat ol' man river ♪

- [Horn blowing] - ♪ He mus' know sumpin' ♪

♪ But don't say nuthin' ♪

- ♪ He jes' keeps rollin' along ♪ - Dr. King did not march for this.

Just picture those shin guards.

[Applause, cheering]

[Door closes]

♪

I brought Dad's projector back.

Didn't go to the cast party with your new theater friends?

Meeting up in some coffee house, wear berets, and play bongos?

They're mostly just a soccer team.

We had orange slices at intermission.

I brought you this.

A program from the show.

They put my name in there.

Some of what you said last night...

might be true.

About me sometimes holding you back.

Then again, it's only natural.

Every parent wants their children to end up

just a little less happy than they are.

I'm not sure that's universal, Mom.

What do I know? I grew up in a different time.

Expectations for girls weren't set that high.

And I met your father, and then along came all you kids.

Eight needy nails in my hopes and dreams coffin.

But I guess I could try to be a little bit more encouraging.

Let you boys march out into the world

with sky-high expectations.

And if they don't work out, I'll be here for you.

To come crawling back to.

To tell me I was right.

Or if they do work out,

we can come back to say thank you.

I love you, Mom.

[Scoffing]

That word.

You're probably starving.

I'm gonna heat you up a Hungry-Man dinner.

It's a new one... Mexican enchiladas.

- Hey, you see that one? - Sure.

X-27 Lancer.

Any idea how many Gs that baby's pulling?

I don't know. 3?

A million?

What's this nonsense?

Barry's Barnstormers was supposed to be up next.

These look like the movies that William took of Timmy's show.

Geez Louise, this looks amazing!

It's not the "Crowned Clowns of the Air," but... not bad.

Well, we all knew Timmy had a dose of creativity,

but it looks like we have a second son

- with a budding talent. - Huh.

I'm thinking William could really be a filmmaker one day.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com