Original subtitles

DAVID: Look at it.

It makes me so happy that I could cry.

All these months of planning, and it's finally here.

Our perfect day.

I'm so glad that we decided to do it in our home

and not some cold hotel.

Yes, our home is a reflection of who we are.

Do you know how many hours I've slaved in that garden?

Yes. Diego tells me all the time

how hard you work telling him what to do.

(chuckles)

Our home, our day, our way.

The way we want,

our choices, to reflect who we are.

It's everything that we ever wanted.

You're everything I ever wanted.

I'm just sorry that you didn't get that one thing

that you were hoping for.

How you liking that wine, Father Michael?

You kidding? After a lifetime

sipping the sacramental swill the church gets...

no offense to BevMo!,

our friends in Christ...

this is a real treat. Thank you.

Um... so, Father, as you know,

David and I are getting married in a couple weeks.

We would like you to marry us.

Look, guys, I'm all for nontraditional.

But, uh,

I work a very traditional job

with very traditional rules.

You know, I'm sorry. I really wish I could.

Yeah, that one sort of hurt.

But who knows? Maybe our backup choice will work out fine.

(slurping) How's that chocolate milk, Gary?

Mmm. Fantastic. I love to pretend I'm drinking

milk from an African cow.

And I've got to say,

I would be thrilled to marry you guys.

Officiate, Gary. We're not looking for a third.

Well, as you know, I'm a pro.

I ran a chapel in Laughlin, Nevada.

Married over 400 drunk couples.

And I met Jeff Dunham, America's foremost

comedy ventriloquist.

His dummy, Pumpkin, came onto me.

Stuck his little wooden hand right down my pants.

Look, I know it's not your traditional choice,

but isn't that the point?

We're making our own traditions.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

You're not supposed to see each other on your wedding day.

It's bad luck.

Oh, Mom. We don't believe in that.

I don't care what you believe in... that's the tradition.

Go. All right, I'll take Bryan then.

Uh... (chuckles)

David... Let her have this one thing.

Just promise me:

Our day, our way.

No eye contact.

(laughs)

(sputters) Stupid baby.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.

You are a beautiful boy. Beautiful boy.

I love this tux you made me, Mom.

I feel like a seat filler at the Academy Awards.

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

And who knows, maybe the next thing

you'll be making is a wedding dress for yourself.

Okay, out with it.

Just tell me how you really feel about your dad re-proposing.

Come on, Mom, how long does it take you

to come up with two letters?

Uh, but don't you think it might be nice to be a family again?

Like we used to be?

No! We moved out here because of how it used to be.

Shania, he's the only man I've ever loved.

Well, once that baby plops out,

maybe you should put on a little lipstick and change that.

Shake your ass a little, Mom.

Whoa-whoa-whee-whoo, Shania.

Look, nine months ago, you had nothing to lose.

You took a chance,

and 'cause you did, I got the best version of my mom

and a dad I never knew could be so great.

If you say yes to his re-proposal,

all that could go away.

Now I have everything to lose.

Mama.

David, you look so sexy!

(chuckles)

Ah! If you weren't my son and gay,

I'd eat you with hot sauce.

(groans) Where's Dad?

I thought you guys were driving down together.

Oh, we were going to,

but then his girlfriend's mom passed away.

Said he had to be with Crystal.

Oh, that's terrible. How did she die?

Lethal injection. But never mind about that.

Today's your big day.

There's something special I want you to wear.

Voil?!

It's the tuxedo

your Grandpa Julie wore on his wedding day.

Mom, I can't wear this.

Bryan and I discussed it.

We promised to do things our way.

Oh, come on, David. Don't ruin a family tradition.

Now, where's that Goldie with a needle and thread?

We need to take up the crotch.

You know how big your Grandpa Julie was down there.

(sighs)

You okay, boo?

Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared.

Mm. I know. I get it. Cold feet, huh?

Well, listen,

David's dark inside,

passive-aggressive and you know what?

I really think he resents your success.

It's better you realized it now.

What are you talking about? I love David.

Oh, my God. Me, too.

He is so sweet.

No, Rocky, I'm talking about the vows.

We both agreed not to write anything down,

just to speak from the heart, and now I'm afraid.

I'm nervous I'm gonna expose myself

as someone with human qualities.

My son at his wedding.

I remember crying when you were 15

because I thought I would never see this day.

I'd just found a magazine under his bed... Mirabella.

Uh, Rocky, would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Look, Mom, I...

I know that the last several years have been... difficult,

but I'm glad we made it through,

and I really appreciate you being here.

I know your father would be so proud

if he were here. You think so?

Well, he wouldn't say it.

You know, he'd just complain about

his overactive bladder.

(laughs)

Bryan...

I want to walk you down the aisle.

Oh, Mom,

I can't. I promised David

it would just be the two of us walking down the aisle.

Please, Bryan.

For me.

And your dad.

(classical music playing, quiet chatter)

Ooh.

My girls!

Oh, my God, Shania,

you look like Janelle Mon?e,

except for a little taller and paler.

And, Goldie,

I hear you could be the next one down the aisle.

Who told you that?

(gasps)

Oh.

Shania, I have something to say to you.

The last time that I was in this house for a wedding,

it was yours.

And I ruined it.

I'm very sorry. It's okay.

Wilbur and I weren't ready for that level of intimacy.

(chuckles) Oh, my God, if you would've

told me then that I was accepting an invitation

to a wedding of two guys, I would've hung myself.

And I would've knocked that chair right from under you.

Here's to Bryan and David,

the happiest couple I know.

Whoa. That was a beautiful speech, Nana.

(quietly): Please don't tell people that Clay proposed,

at least until I've made my mind up.

Oh, you're so controlling for a liberal.

Okay. I'll tell you later, but I just want you to know

that I have some big news about me and Brice.

Oh.

Now Rocky and I are gonna get lit up.

(laughing)

Come on, Nikki.

Shania, look. A chocolate fountain

right there. Let's stick a shrimp in there

and see if it swims. Come on.

Oh...

Goldie.

Oh, hey.

I understand you received a proposal.

Are congratulations in order?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

All right, listen. I don't know

if I'm out of line by saying this.

I've been holding this back.

Goldie, you are an amazing woman.

You are. You're-you're driven yet kind, you're funny.

I mean, you're carrying a baby for two guys who can't.

You're like a beautiful stork for gays.

Brice... Look around this room.

Look, every soul who you've touched comes out better for it.

I see you, Goldie.

You transform life into something new.

And marrying your ex

just feels old.

CLAY: Goldie,

I dropped my prepaid phone in the fountain,

and then I tried to fish it out with my keys,

and now everything's covered in chocolate.

How do I look?

Exactly like your father did when we got married.

Except handsome and skinny.

Come on, Colleen, the ceremony's about to start.

Let's go to our "hot mothers of the grooms" seats

and scope out which cater waiters we're gonna schtup.

Uh, I'm-I'm so sorry,

but I-I'm gonna be walking Bryan down the aisle.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I would've worn something more revealing

had I known I'd be part of the processional.

You got to put the fresh produce at the front

of the grocery store, if you know what I mean.

I do.

Frances, I'm sorry. My mom is walking me down the aisle.

It's just something we're doing together.

It means a lot to her.

Because my husband is no longer with us.

Oh. I'm supposed to be punished because my ex-husband

didn't die of tushy cancer?

I want to walk my son down the aisle, too.

Just... David and I are trying to keep this simple.

It is simple: if she gets to, I get to.

Colleen has six kids.

She has five more chances to do this again.

You're not really gonna deny me this, Bryan, are you?

Welcome, friends,

to this most blessed day of marriage,

a celebration of love and commitment

between Bryan and David.

The Taoists commemorate this joyful union

with a timeless saying:

(speaking Chinese)

What is he saying? GARY: Nope.

I think that means.

"I'd like to take a bath with the two fat ones."

(sighs) David?

Oh, my God,

you look so handsome.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

Oh, my God, you look insane.

What in the hell are you wearing?

It's my Grandpa Julie's. My mom made me wear it.

And you couldn't... oh, I don't know... refuse?

Or were you planning on going straight from the wedding

to perform magic on a cruise ship?

Everybody's shoving their old musty traditions

down our throat; this is no longer our wedding.

Well, do we have to go through with it like this?

Yes. I know it's traditional, but it would mean

a lot to me if we were married before our baby came.

I know, I know.

David.

Hey.

May this tuxedo bring you and Bryan

the same bottomless ecstasy

it brought my mother and father.

She couldn't walk straight for two days after that night.

What a lovely tribute, Frances.

Okay.

Shall we?

Shall we what?

I'm sorry. My dad is dead.

Shall we what?

Wrong finger, genius.

(Vivaldi's "Spring" playing)

(electronics clicking, chiming)

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.

I'm pretty sure that's for after.

Okay. All right. Thanks, Mom.

What is...

(quietly): You wrote vows? I thought we were gonna wing it.

We are gonna wing it. I just planned mine.

What am I supposed to do?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

(music ends)

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to witness as

this man joins this man with this man.

Three men.

Rather, two men...

I'm so sorry.

I don't want to interrupt.

It's such a lovely ceremony,

but, um...

I-I think my water just broke.

(shouts) Oh!

Do something! (electronics clicking)

Oh, my God! Get a towel.

Ooh, help me, Jesus.

Give her some...

Just give her some room.

(John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" playing)

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster's gone

He's on the run

And your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful

Beautiful, beautiful (panting)

Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep

Say a little prayer

Every day

In every way

It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean

Sailing away (strained grunting)

I can hardly wait Push, push.

(grunting)

To see you come of age It's coming!

I can see the head.

But I guess we'll both just have One more, one more.

To be patient DOCTOR: Here we go.

(crying)

'Cause it's long way to go

A hard row to hoe

Yes, it's a long way to go

But in the meantime

Before you cross the street

Take my hand

Life is what happens to you

While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep

Say a little prayer

Every day It's okay. It's okay.

In every way, it's getting better

And better, yeah

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Darling, darling

Darling

Darling Sean. Sawyer Collins.

It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm Bryan Collins.

But you can call me...

Dad.

Say, "No more belly!" No more belly!

Although, there is still kind of a bloop,

'cause it's only been two weeks.

Hey, goggles, can I talk to your mom for a minute, alone?

Why don't you go work on your Hillary Clinton impression.

(mock laughing)

Do you remember at the boys' non-wedding

I told you I had some big news about me and Brice?

You're getting married?

Married? Are you out of your mind?

Goldie, Brice is a booty call.

He's perfect for a free-spirited woman of today, like me.

(laughs) No.

Brice and I had a co-listing...

this house on Lindo Street.

It closed.

Yeah!

It's a six-figure commission.

Whoa.

Goldie, don't you get it?

We got what we came here for.

Okay. I know what you're gonna say now, Nana.

That it's time to move back to Ohio

so I can marry Clay and raise Shania in a place

where people still worship God and football and spareribs.

No, it isn't.

Goldie, sit down.

I want to say thank you, Goldie, for changing my life.

Look at what you've done.

You came here,

you got this incredible apartment

for you and your daughter,

you started your own business.

You showed me how to be an independent woman.

And now I've got

green in the bank and a black friend named Rocky.

(laughs)

I don't ever want to go back to the way things were.

Why would you?

I still love him.

Fine. Love him.

But don't you ever forget what you taught me:

You embrace your potential and not your past.

Shh.

Who loves his daddy?

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Who loves his daddy?

(beeping) Sawyer.

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Who loves his daddy?

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Okay, now it's time for Sawyer to love his papa. Gimme, gimme.

Oh, no, the book says that at two weeks he can see our faces.

Let him enjoy this one a while longer; it's so good.

We agreed on 30-minute intervals.

It's my turn. Rocky?

I told you... you guys should have gotten two.

You know you don't like to share.

Me and Nikki have a one-on-one ratio.

Oh, okay, okay, just wait.

Do you have his head? Do you have his head? I know. Yeah.

Oh, careful, careful. I got it. I have his head.

I have his head. David, let go of his head.

Hello, my dear.

Hi, Goldie. Oh. Look who I have!

Oh, yes, he's the most beautiful baby ever. Have you seen Shania?

She slipped out, and I thought

she might be here. Is she here?

No. You can't find her?

No, she's not answering her phone.

I'm so worried. Calm down.

You'll pop your stitches.

If she has tracking on

her cell phone, we will find her.

Okay.

(seagulls squawking in distance)

Shania?

About time you got here.

I'm a ten-year-old alone on a beach.

Do you know how many modeling jobs I've been offered?

We were so worried. Why did you do this?

I wanted to show you that.

I wanted to remind you why

we came out here in the first place.

Look, you can't see the end of it.

We have a great life, Mom.

I love our family the way it is.

What, just... you and me?

No way. Them, too.

This is the family we built.

You, me, Bryan, David, Rocky, Nikki and Sawyer.

Why would we ever change that?

Sometimes you are so much smarter than me.

Girl, it ain't just sometimes.

I'm gonna say no to your dad.

But... we are gonna raise you together.

And ground you together for running away.

Fair enough.

David... this is all I wanted our wedding to be.

Just us, right here.

This right now is so perfect.

I wish we could've just done it right here on the beach.

What about music?

I'll sing.

But first I need to stop by one of those "doctor" shops

and get me a medical marijuana card.

Oh. Girl, stop looking at me like that.

I got ocular pressure.

No need, Rocky.

You want us to get you a Gatorade or a Pedialyte?

All right, just try to stand up.

(Goldie laughs)

Okay, so now we just need someone to officiate.

I saw a guy at Muscle Beach.

He was wearing a Supertramp Speedo

and juggling chainsaws,

but his sign said he'd do anything for three dollars.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Go get him.

Don't worry about it, guys.

I have it covered.

Father Michael!

What are you doing here?

You getting a henna tattoo?

Do I look like a 13-year-old girl?

(laughter)

David called me, said he wanted his fianc?

to have the wedding of his dreams,

and that my being here would mean so much to you, Bryan.

It does. It's amazing.

Mm, no, it's half-assed.

What? I don't have my collar on.

Look, I once told you to fight for change,

but I can't ask you to do something

that I'm not prepared to do myself.

So...

(sighs): God help me... here we go.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to witness the joining together of these two souls.

Bryan, do you take this man

to be your partner in life, in love,

committed to one another's joy

and sustenance from this day forth,

so long as you both shall live?

I do.

And do you, David,

take this man to be your partner in life,

in love, committed to one another's joy

and sustenance from this day forth,

so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me

as a child of God, I now pronounce you...

a family.

(laughs)

(laughter, whooping)

GOLDIE: Yes!

Well, no lightning bolts... what do you know?

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster's gone

He's on the run

And your daddy's here

Darling, darling, darling

Beautiful boy.

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