Original subtitles

This is the hardest decision we've ever

had to make as a couple. I know.

And even though I think we're doing the right thing,

I feel like there's a voice in our head screaming,

"You're making a mistake!"

I know.

But I've decided.

We're going with the blood orange citrus.

Thank God.

You know, I really had my heart set on the red velvet.

Honey, no.

Red velvet is such a trend cake.

It'll feel like a hipster wedding

officiated by Mumford & Sons.

Listen, guys...

we still have over 900 wedding decisions to make,

and so far, all you agreed on is...

well, nothing.

I know.

It's so hard making decisions

with someone who's not me.

Yeah, I mean,

we had nine months to come up with a baby name,

and we're not even close.

Look, guys, my wife and I,

we've been through this.

We have named 16 kids together.

Luis, Luis Jr.,

Little Luis, Wide Luis.

But what I learned is that

if you can learn to compromise

in the little things... like cake...

then you can move on to the bigger issues

like baby names.

Why don't you start with something simple?

Like candles.

Mm, these brown sugar scented candles

smell so delicious.

Thank you for letting me have them at the wedding.

Well, you did let me choose my blood orange cake,

even though I did change it

to burnt almond meringue

after Guy Fieri ruined citrus for us all. Yeah.

So...

there is something

that I would like at our wedding

that I've been a little scared to ask for.

No, you cannot do your Gollum impression

when you put the ring

on my finger. No.

(sighs)

I was wondering how you felt about inviting your mother.

I feel...

(screams, sobs): No! No! No!

Oh, my God. (Sobs)

...conflicted?

Look, I know it's been a little chilly between you two,

but you were working on it,

you opened a dialogue, it's starting to thaw.

Don't you think she should be here?

David, I want our wedding day to be about positivity,

and love, and rented trumpeter swans,

and not any kind of tensions between my mother and I.

Okay, but she's your mom.

Why would I want to share our wedding day...

our perfect day

to celebrate our love...

with her?

Because your love wants you to.

Fine.

Yeah?

But you have to agree: No pretzel bread.

Agreed. Now...

(imitating Gollum): Give me a kiss, my precious.

You were so close to getting some.

What's it gonna be, what's it gonna be?

I know!

Oh... Oh...

It's our baby's ultrasound picture.

He looks like a potato with a face.

Thank God he didn't get your nose.

Thank you so much, Goldie.

You can put it on the bedside table

next to that picture of your mom,

who I'm very excited to meet, by the way.

Oh, no, honey, that's a picture of Meg Ryan, before...

whatever the hell happened there. (Chuckles)

No, but you can meet Colleen.

Why don't you come to dinner? Oh, we'd love to.

Yeah. Rocky, do you want to come, too?

Thank you, but I've met your mom, so I'll pass.

But I'll take home an expensive

bottle of red to make up for what I would have drank.

(laughs)

Well, Shania and I would love to attend.

Besides, it's important that your mom meets Mr. Thingmeum.

Have you decided on a name yet?

Oh, uh...

Bryan and I are trying to avoid the issue while Colleen is here.

BRYAN: It's important that she sees

that David and I are on the same page about things.

Like she and my dad were.

And the baby name is a bit of a...

as they say on The View, a "hot flash topic."

That's not what they say. Well, they should.

Your child's name should be

a source of conflict.

My parents named me.

Rocky Rhoades. A little black girl

named after lumpy ice cream?

I had to fight for my life on the playground.

Shank or be shanked.

I'm talking prison rules, baby.

It was rough.

Mom?

Did you and Dad argue about what my name would be?

Um... actually, no, we pretty much agreed.

(toilet flushes) That don't impress me much... Oh, my God, I don't know what it is about

Shania playing in the toilet stall, but,

oh, baby, I'm so horny.

Oh. Wait! Go to the family planning aisle

and steal some condoms.

What?

No, there's no time. The song's almost over.

(toilet flushes) Mm!

That's how I got my name?

What? It was a loving moment

between me and your dad. A few minutes

later, and your name would have been Chumbawamba.

(laughing)

DAVID: That is a great band.

How could you joke about this?

A name determines your destiny.

And now I'm stuck for life

with the choice you made to a soundtrack of

Canadian pop country and auto-flushes?

Well, that don't impress me much.

Oh, you... Shania. Help me up.

Yeah. Yeah. You keep that up,

and no Nancy Grace for a week!

(door closes)

My God. If we named our child after

the song that was playing when we first hooked up,

his name would be Hoobastank.

BRYAN: Hoobastank.

I like that name.

Hoobastank Collins.

Hmm, white people have the craziest names for bands.

Hey, guys.

Whoa, no dessert before dinner, Shania.

I'm not Shania. I'm changing my name to Sarah.

What are you talking about, monkey?

For the past ten years,

I've been saddled with your oddball name of Shania,

the name that you arbitrarily chose

because of the random song that was playing

while you were having premarital relations

in a pharmacy.

Oh, yeah!

That was you. (fake laughs)

There are five girls in my class named Sarah.

I just want to be one of them.

Your mom and I agreed on that name. Together.

And you are not changing it. Case closed.

I don't think it's a big deal, Clay.

Let her call herself Sarah if she wants.

Case reopened. Sarah's awesome mom

gets a bigger vote than Shania's inflexible dad.

Whoa, Shania...

(door closes)

How could you do that to me?

In front of our daughter.

You know, now she thinks we're not a united front.

This whole Sarah thing will blow over.

Last weekend, she was the Hamburglar.

(laughing): I mean...

Sorry. I-I just don't think

that names matter that much.

Although...

I've been thinking about my name, too.

I've been through so many changes this year.

So I'm gonna drop Clemmons

and go back to my maiden name, Forrest.

No. Y-You can't do that.

It's not a big deal, Clay. No.

It's the biggest deal.

We may not live together,

Goldie, but the fact that we share the same last name,

it says we're a family.

(sighs)

Bryan, that getup you're wearing.

Y-You look like...

Like a gay yacht captain?

When you say it, it's a lot less fun.

(chuckles) DAVID: Now, Colleen,

when was the last time we saw each other?

Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral. Oh.

Oh, that was a tough day for everyone.

Especially your father, right?

(chuckles)

I absolutely love your home.

Oh. Oh.

It's like the palace of a tasteful dictator.

Thank you, Mother, it is.

It will be the perfect place to raise our child.

Speaking of, I was hoping

maybe that you would whisper

the name of my grandson to me.

Oh, well, actually, we're still sort of

kicking the tires on a few options, there.

You haven't decided yet?

He could arrive at any time. (sighs)

Okay, just give me a few names you agree on.

Okay. Uh, well,

I would like to name him after my grandpa.

He was the best. Oh...

Yeah, he was a bit of a moist kisser,

but he made one hell of an omelet.

His name was Julius, but everyone called him Julie.

Julie... the male offspring

of two homosexuals.

I can't imagine

any angry therapy sessions in his future.

Don't make fun, Bryan.

Obviously David was very fond

of his grandfather, and I think

Julius is a very nice name.

Well, thank you, Colleen.

What do you think of...

Thomas?

Mm. Hmm? Right?

It's the name of a president,

an apostle.

An English muffin with nooks and crannies.

And if Bryan gets his way,

then your baby's name will be Tom Sawyer.

(laughs)

Wait, why would you assume

we're using David's last name?

Well, David's the donor.

Is that not "the way"?

DAVID: And, Bryan, if we use your last name,

his name would be Tom Collins.

(laughing)

Oh, no. He'll be teased by

all the 55-year-old mortgage brokers at the airport bar.

Boys, I don't want to start any chaos.

Mother, what-what chaos?

This is not chaos.

David and I agree on everything else.

Oh, it's true. We've planned our entire wedding

with not so much as a speed bump.

You know, actually, we are going over the final details

with the wedding planner tomorrow.

Why don't you come with us,

and you can see all the decisions we agreed on.

I would love to.

Because I really want to see that,

you two boys on the same page together.

I mean, are you even sure you're both gay?

Well, if we're not, we did something

really weird last night.

(laughs nervously)

Okay. Here's your flower choice.

Perfect. Love 'em.

Centerpieces. Fantastic. Stunning.

And napkin rings. Our napkins will look

so gorgeous in those things. So round.

It's so nice to see you boys finally in agreement.

LUIS: And here is your choice of cake.

A burnt almond meringue.

"Burnt almond"?

It sounds...

well, let's face it, it sounds burnt.

Which is historically a sign of failure in cake.

I actually wanted a red velvet, but Bryan insisted.

I just feel very strongly about this.

Red velvet is pass?.

Is it pass?, or is it perennial?

Plantation owners used to eat it

in the antebellum South.

So I'm supposed to serve

a racist cake at my wedding?

Bryan does know about this stuff.

All I'm saying is, I respect and appreciate

your partner's choice. So do I.

Well, red velvet it is, then.

David, what else did Bryan say no to?

Oh... um... Come on, show me.

This was my nightmare.

I literally had a bad dream

that my mother did nothing but undermine me

and pit us against each other.

Except in my dream, you were as tall as me.

I think you're overreacting, Bry.

Of course you do. You know why?

Because she's siding with you and not me.

About cake?

Who cares? It's not important.

Well, it's not when you haven't had

to deal with it your entire life.

Do you really think my mother wanted

to watch Baywatch Nights like my little brothers?

No. She just did it because she knew I didn't want to.

This is exactly why I didn't want to invite her.

Because at a time

where it is crucial for us to be

on the same page, she is turning us against each other.

Okay. That is not possible.

I don't care about soup spoons

and gluten-free boutonnieres.

I care about marrying you.

For all I'm concerned, we could throw all of our choices

in a hat and draw 'em at random.

We could make a game out of it.

We could do it right in front of her,

at dinner with Goldie and Shania.

But not Rocky, who swiped not one but two bottles

of our good Merlot.

Show your mom that nothing can come between us.

And you'll be okay with the results, no matter what happens?

Yes.

Just no more disagreements.

Agreed.

Oh! BRYAN: Mm-hmm.

We are ready!

Yay! What are we doing?

Oh, yeah. Well, Bryan and I just want to settle

on a couple of our wedding decisions.

Oh, you boys must really be at odds.

No, Mother. Actually, we are incredibly in sync.

So much so that we have agreed

to let the hat decide.

Well, I wish I had that kind of free time.

DAVID: Okay...

Let the games begin.

(whoops) Okay, Shania,

would you like to do the honors?

Sorry. Sarah is nonparticipatory.

Okay. Uh, first category is

beverage service, okay.

There will be two choices... one is mine, one is Bryan's.

They will go into the hat... mix it up, please.

And the winner is...

Oh, my God, it's mine... Scott's microbrewery.

(Goldie and Colleen cheering)

Sorry, baby. No, no.

Listen, for our ten-year vow renewal,

you'll do your mint mixology station. Amazing.

The official floral centerpiece choice is...

Succulent desert cacti.

Yay for David. Yes! GOLDIE: Arriba.

Law of averages says you'll win the next one.

Our first dance will be to...

"I Only Wanna Be With You" by Hootie & the Blowfish.

(whoops) Love Hootie.

Oh, I don't like rap music.

Riblets.

Karaoke guestbook?

People love that.

Oh, I admire one's ability

to cut loose and sing like fools.

Bryan, you made a whole TV program about it.

Gyros.

Ooh, delicious.

Are you even putting mine in?

Tiki torches.

Festive.

Valets dressed as Sith Lords.

Oh, Shania.

Sarah. Sarah!

Zoom, zoom!

And last but not least,

the mode of transportation that will whisk the groom

and the groom

from the festivities will be...

Drumroll.

Segways... yes!

What are those?

Eat my dust. Eat my dust.

I cannot believe I won, like,

every category. Yes!

Hey, I've got a great idea

if you want to settle the name fight.

It's not a fight, Mother. Let the hat decide.

Oh... I don't know about that.

Oh, come on, it sounds like fun, right?

Yeah, I don't think...

This is happening.

Uh...

uh...

Bryan, why don't we just go in the other room

and talk... are you gonna write my name, okay.

Sweetie, we don't have... It's fine, it's fine,

it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

(Colleen gasps)

Which will it be,

Thomas or Julie?

Oh, I'm so excited!

I can't wait to hear my grandson's name.

Ready?

(slow, rhythmic heart beating)

(slow breathing)

(slowly, distorted): Julie.

Yes! Julie Sawyer lives!

Julie Sawyer lives, oh, my God.

You wet-kissing, waffle-flipping son of a bitch!

Julie Sawyer's alive again. Oh, congratulations.

COLLEEN: Hey, that's so good, oh, I'm so...

No!

I don't give a damn what this paper says.

I can, I can let go of a lot of things, okay?

Riblets, gyros, Hootie & the Blowfishes.

Because at the end of the day all those idiotic choices

are insignificant.

But under no circumstance will my son be named Julie!

Game over.

Unless you disagree, Mother.

Well, I certainly never raised him

to be such a poor sport.

(knocks) Mother?

Oh, the sheets are very scratchy.

Do you have anything a little less organic?

Yeah, I'll just run down to the 7-Eleven.

Mother, we need to talk.

Oh, honey, you don't have to apologize for your outburst.

Planning a wedding is a very stressful time.

I know because I watch a lot of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Okay, well, that is a great show.

But, no, I'm not apologizing.

If anything, you should.

What do I have to be sorry about?

The fact that you don't know what...

what deserves an apology,

that deserves an apology.

Just forget it, I knew...

I knew this would happen if invited you.

You weren't gonna invite me to your wedding?

No.

No, I wasn't.

'Cause I don't want to deal with this.

I tried with you my very best, Bryan.

I am sorry if you judge me for it.

Me?

All you do is judge me.

You make fun of the way I dress.

You-you criticize my work, my sheets.

Y-You like David's baby name choice better than mine.

And look, I know you had six kids to raise,

but you could have tried a little bit harder to disguise

the fact that you loved me less than the others.

You exhaust me, Bryan.

I-I can't win.

I come here to your wedding to a man.

A man you're gonna start a family with.

My friends make comments.

"I'm happy for them," I say.

"I-I'm so glad he found a good person," I say.

"I was worried for a while, but I'm not now.

"I can't wait to hold my grandson," I say.

And then I come here

and share my opinion about cake,

and you still see me as the mother

who spanked you for stealing her good lipstick?

You're still so hurt, Bryan,

and I can't fix the past.

You're gonna be a father now.

Isn't it time for you to grow up?

Yes.

Thank you for coming, Mom.

Thank you for asking me, Bryan.

Oh, God, it's just so hard to have big opinions.

I'm right almost all the time and I have

no patience for the slow-witted.

It makes people feel very small.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I know, it's maddening.

I lived with you for 18 years.

(laughs)

And Bryan,

David has lived with you for eight,

and is signing up for a lifetime.

Give in on the little things, sweetheart.

I never did.

Now, about that baby's name.

There will be a moment

when you will just know what his name should be.

Be patient. It'll happen.

It happened on every single one of my kids,

except for your sister.

In my defense, I was on a few diet pills at the time.

Poor Marva.

I know.

(laughs)

I know.

(both laughing)

(school bell rings)

How was school,

Sarah?

Did you learn fractions?

My name's not Sarah anymore.

I'm going back to Shania.

Something happened today that changed my mind.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

I'm building a log cabin out of fish sticks.

I'm Sarah. What's your name?

Blog.

What?

It's a pretty weird name,

but I've never met anyone else with it,

so I love it.

Well, Blog fits you.

To be honest,

my real name is Shania.

Some lady singer named Shania was

on the radio in the drugstore toilet where my parents made me.

Gross story.

But cool name.

A name defines you

before you have a chance

to do it yourself.

Sometimes being unique is exhausting,

but it's who I am.

Thanks for the cool name, Dad.

Did you know that your mom's going back to her maiden name?

It's... it's like she's saying that

we were never married.

It makes me super sad.

You should tell her how you feel.

Maybe I will, Sarah.

Shania.

It's gonna be hard to get used to.

David?

I don't want you

to give up everything that you want.

Our wedding day should be

a reflection of both of our opinions.

But you hate all my ideas.

Actually, there's one that I really love.

(Hootie & The Blowfish's "Only Wanna Be With You" plays)

Oh, seriously?

You're okay with this song being our first dance?

Oh, my God, no, no, it's the worst.

No, we're just dancing now to get it out of your system.

(both laugh)

No, the idea that I love, that I want to thank you for

is pushing me to invite my mom to our wedding.

She actually gave me

some really great advice about picking a baby name.

Oh, yeah? What was that?

To not stress about it.

That when the time was right, we would just know.

It's so good. Come on.

You really like this, don't you? Mm-hmm.

Oh...

I'm gonna pout at you until I get my way BOTH: "Sawyer Collins."

I won't dance... Oh, my God, I love it. It's perfect.

I just want to love you, but you want to wear my ring

But there's nothing I can do Oh! Yes!

It was the song.

I only wanna be with you. (laughter)

Whoa! Oh!

It was really sweet of you to suggest this.

The girls are having so much fun. (Laughs)

Goldie?

Do you remember the last time

we were at a bowling alley together?

Yes, Yes, I'll marry you.

For better or worse. (Whoops)

Of course.

It's different, though. I mean, we are a lot different.

Yeah. (Laughs) Yeah.

Huh. Oh.

Okay.

One thing hasn't changed.

I love you, and I don't care

if your name is Goldie Forrest or Clemmons.

Hell, I'd change my name to Clay Forrest

if it means I get to spend the rest

of my life with you.

Goldie...

will you remarry me?

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