Original subtitles

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and he seems to be chanting "hail Satan."

What? I'm kidding. Come on now.

(Laughs) When you've been delivering babies as long

as we have, sometimes you have to make your own fun.

(Chuckles weakly)

I cannot believe the baby's almost here.

Went by so fast. Did it now?

So much for the stereotype of gay men being more in tune

with women's feelings, huh?

Well, do you have any questions for me?

Oh, I think I'm good.

Have any questions, Bry?

Um, yes, actually. I'm using that app that makes

a picture of yourself look 30 years older, and I look like

Hillary Clinton. Should I be concerned. Should you?

(Laughs) (Chuckles)

Bryan, do you have any

questions about our baby for Dr. Venkatashar?

No. I'm sure you've got it covered.

He doesn't think he needs to be prepared for emergencies

because I'm a doctor.

David. Heimlich.

Okay, here we go, sir.

Big up, big up.

(People clapping)

My medical experience shouldn't stop you from paying attention

in our doctor's office

when we're talking about our baby.

Okay, it's, you know, a partnership, Bry.

Yes, I know.

I handle food, fashion, art,

architecture and conversations people enjoy.

You handle boring medical stuff and facts about batteries.

First of all, batteries are fascinating.

And second of all, you should know as much as any dad knows

about the birthing process.

(Laughs) You know what?

From now on, I am not a doctor.

From now on, I'm just a dad.

So, why don't you put that toy away and be one, too?

In your face.

(Goldie laughs)

What?

I'm not a parent to this child.

I can be as immature as I want.

Venkatashar: So, Dr. Sawyer, what kind

of fetal monitoring do you want during the delivery?

Internal, external?

I have no idea, I'm just a dad.

Why don't you ask Bryan?

I'm good with whatever kind

Beyonc? used.

(Door closes)

(David humming a tune)

Hi, honey, how was your basketball match?

My match was fine.

Thank you for pretending to care.

What's all this?

You were right, David.

There's nothing more important

than our child's healthy journey into this world,

and it was wrong of me to put that all on you.

Oh, thanks, Bry.

That makes me feel good.

Especially now that I've done some research

and I see how many blind spots you have

due to your Western medical training.

Huh. Well, that was a short-lived feeling.

There are so many other

viable birthing options, David.

There's the natural birth, there's a water birth,

there's acupuncture instead of epidural anesthesia.

It's very exciting.

(Sighs): Look, Bry,

I'm all for railing

against the traditional medical establishment.

I mean, I never got those veneers

that Dr. McKay recommended, did I?

No.

But there's a reason

why some things are established.

It's because they work.

They safeguard against the many dangers of childbirth.

David, you want me to be more involved,

and then when I become informed and passionate,

you dismiss me?

You're right.

All right.

Let's take a look at

your alternative birthing methods.

Good, because I signed us all up

for a birth class at the natural birthing center.

I've never been so excited to spend

three hours with a room full of strangers

wearing Tom's throwaway shoes.

I-I don't think you're supposed to throw them away.

Brice: Wow.

It's a beautiful woman with a beer gut to be proud of.

Oh, hi, Brice. Hi.

No, I'm actually pregnant.

Really? (Laughs)

Wow, you have a firm grip

and smell like peaches.

(Chuckles) Uh, is my Nana here?

Jane?

She's your gra... she told me she was your mother.

Well, probably because a lot of men

don't associate "grandma" with "sexy."

Well, I'm sure there's a whole legion

of Susan Lucci fans that would disagree with you.

Your grandmother is out showing a house,

but she'll be back soon.

Great. I don't want her to hear this.

(Clears throat)

I want to rent a retail space.

I design and sell clothes at the farmer's market,

and I've been selling a lot of them, actually.

I use Bryan and David's guesthouse

as a base of operations but I-it's too small.

I need to expand.

Well, that's very ambitious for someone

who's already sort of expanded.

Well, that's why I don't want Nana to know.

She'll try to scare me out of it

and I'm already so scared.

Mm. But there's

this little voice inside me

that keeps telling me...

This is the time. Hmm.

And it's not the baby.

(Laughs) At least, I don't think it is.

If it is, he has a really deep voice.

(Deep voice): This is the time.

(Both chuckle)

You know, you remind me of my daughter.

And I'm not lying,

she really is my daughter.

You know, I think your grandmother

basically catfished me.

Let's see what

we can find you here, all right? Here we go.

Hmm, Nana's right.

You do have fast fingers.

Yeah, texting.

She said you were fast at texting.

(Typing)

Yes, we'd love to do one of your songs on sing!

You've got big fans around here.

(Nikki farts)

Oh, Nikki, you will just not stop pooping.

I'm sorry, Ms. Minaj.

I wasn't talking to you.

(Phone beeps, Nikki coos) Hello?

Hey, Rocky, I'm here.

So cool we have the place to ourselves.

What are we doing today?

Girl, I'm just here to make sure you don't

set yourself on fire while your mom is at that birth class.

Hey, what's wrong with Nikki's hair?

Oh, no, she's got that stubborn hair.

I think her dad was a broom.

Do you need some help? I could watch her.

I'm cpr certified, well-versed with Dr. Seuss

and I take care of a pack of feral cats

that live under my school. I'm more than qualified.

(Chuckles): No, thanks, honey,

I think I've got it all under control.

Let me... oh, damn it!

Oh, God, I actually could use some help.

I've got a meeting with that

Chris brown to discuss rehabilitating his image

by playing a transgendered soup kitchen worker.

(Sighs)

God.

(Bell jingles)

David: All right, watch your step.

(Goldie gasps)

Wow, this is gonna be great, guys!

I am so excited to try all the different birthing methods.

And I want to try them all, I've only ever done missionary.

(Chuckles)

Uh, so, guys,

if anyone asks, I am not a doctor.

Just a regular dad here to open my mind

to the exciting possibilities

of alternative birthing methods.

For which I thank you, and I grant you your number one choice

for our next romantic getaway destination.

Oh, cape canaveral.

Hey, folks, come and join us.

It's started.

(Chuckles) All right. Okay.

Hi, I'm Frank.

And this is my soul mate, Amy.

Hi.

Oh. I'm Bryan, uh, this is our surrogate, Goldie,

and, uh, this is David.

I would call him my soul mate, if he could learn

how to rinse a plate before he put it in the dishwasher.

(All laugh)

You look like you're about to pop.

What are you, about, uh, 38 weeks?

Yes! Do you practice midwifery?

Uh, no, no.

Just a... just a regular man.

Fireman, actually.

Well, technically, smoke jumper.

You know, forest fires,

mountains...

Yeah, it's hard work.

So, you guys must be just so excited.

We are.

We're doing a hypno-birth.

Yeah. We're socialized to be afraid of labor,

but our bodies aren't.

Yes, that's exactly what I want

for our child.

Our son's journey into this world

to be as natural and loving as possible.

Without all that intrusive

medical intervention. Right, David?

Yeah. I mean, who needs

antibiotics and a surgical team

when you have sandalwood oil and fresh mint?

Goldie: Oh, I love fresh mint

in my iced tea.

I love sandals, too.

My thoughts are really scattered.

Hey, Rocky.

Hey. So, how badly did my baby wear you out?

Not at all.

Nikki's eaten,

played, peed,

slept, cooed. Hmm.

Did you miss your mommy?

You miss your mama? Hey.

Oh, my God, what happened to my baby's hair? I did it.

Now, how does a ten-year-old white girl,

who's whiter than Dakota fanning,

know how to do black hair?

From watching Gavin.

He's a YouTube lifestyle guru

with tips for tweens.

(Over computer): So easy, even white people can learn!

Next up, a history of black hair:

From finger waves to high-top fades.

Plus, how to use a hot comb and relaxer.

Queen Latifah, I'm putting you on front street.

So, do you need anything else?

(Coos)

That will be all.

Instructor: By being on all fours,

you allow the pelvis to expand 30% more,

making for a more natural

and less painful delivery.

Looks exactly how I used to show

my champion goat at the state fair.

Uh, I-I'm sorry, Debra.

Yes, uh, hi.

This is all great in theory,

but in the case of a real emergency

now, wouldn't this position actually make it

more difficult for a physician to gain access?

That's exactly what Western medicine

wants you to believe, when, in fact,

giving birth on your back... Wow.

You seem to know a lot about birthing babies for a smoke jumper.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of animals in the woods.

You ever seen an elk whelp?

I have.

This is just one example

of how to create

a peaceful environment for a home birth.

This is footage from one that

(woman crying over TV) I facilitated on the solstice.

Notice how engorged

her opening is.

And there's her husband,

and her two small children

nude and unashamed

alongside her.

Ah, there!

Success.

What you are looking at is

full dilation.

Here comes

(distorted, echoes): The baby...

A lot more meconium and blood

than you had imagined, huh?

Okay.

There you go.

Dr. Sawyer?

Dr. Sawyer's man-wife.

I heard you passed out at your birth class.

Uh, yeah, I'm very embarrassed.

I mean, you know, who faints anymore

besides anorexics and maids on Telenovelas?

(Chuckles) Oh,

witnessing childbirth is not for everyone,

Mrs. doctor Sawyer.

Bryan.

A father person

who faints in the delivery room

can distract the physician

both from the patient and the child.

(Clattering) Like this.

Oh, my God, I don't want to be that guy.

I don't want to put our baby at risk. You're just

intimidated by vagina.

And there is that.

I really am sorry, madam.

You sure you're gonna be okay while I'm at the store?

As long as that's a sack of Vicodin you're carrying, yes.

Well, maybe I'll get you a little codeine.

(Grunts)

I am sorry

that you can't be in the delivery room.

I know how important it was for you.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey. Hi. Hey.

Uh, Joel, Frank, from the birthing class.

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

We came by to see how Bryan was feeling. Oh.

That's so sweet.

(Both chuckle) Uh, he's in the den. Come on in.

Okay.

Yeah.

(Door closes) Hi.

Hi, Bryan.

Uh... how you feeling?

You know, bossy and needy, but that's sort of

an ongoing thing unrelated to the accident.

Uh, come in, come in, please.

Yeah.

It's, um, very nice of you to check in on me.

I'm sorry to say, I will not be able to come back to the class.

Hmm.

Lucky bastard.

I thought you guys were excited to have

a front row seat to see your kid plop into the world.

Not... at... all.

We're freaked out.

We don't want to see all that. We just...

Tell our wives what they want to hear.

Look, if you feel this strongly about it,

you owe it to your wives just to be honest.

Partnership is about telling the truth,

even when it's not easy.

(Typing)

Hey, Rocky. Let me know when you're ready for me

to take Nikki, 'cause I have a big day planned for us.

I thought we'd start off

with a puppet show inspired by early kabuki theater.

No, thanks. Besides, Nikki is offended by whiteface.

I got it all under control today.

Are you sure you don't need a babysitter?

'Cause let's face it.

I'm a better mom than you.

What did you just say to me?

You're a terrible mom.

You're impatient, you can't cook,

your singing voice is anything but soothing

and you sext and drive.

You really think those qualities

are conducive to successful child rearing?

Listen to the girl,

Rocky. Mama?

You don't have time to raise no child.

You're too busy climbing that stupid corporate ladder.

I can't climb no ladder,

'cause I ain't got but one foot.

But if you're always workin',

how you gonna find a husband to help raise that baby?

Shania: Face it, Rocky.

No matter how much you pretend

to be Nikki's mom, you are going to fail,

because you're not good enough.

What do you want from me? I'm doing the best that I can.

(Nikki fussing) I just wanted to know if you're sure

you don't need a babysitter.

I'm sure. Now please leave.

I have work to do and a baby to take care of.

I don't need your help.

(Typing, Nikki fussing)

Well, I think it's genius.

Now here's what we gonna do.

We're gonna negotiate the year's lease

and then boom... you watch all your dreams come true.

A year? (Chuckles)

Th-that's a big, scary commitment.

You make it sound so easy. Oh,

it's not easy. Starting a new business,

putting it all on the line... it's terrifying.

Building a business is like...

Well, like having a baby. I mean, it's painful and messy

and everybody's staring at your goods.

(Chuckles) (Laughs)

That's why most people try to avoid it.

But... they are missing out because you're about

to create a whole new, big, beautiful life.

Now, isn't that worth the price of fear?

Oh, hi, Bryan.

Hey. Hi.

Uh, I'm going to the fabric store.

You want to come?

Oh, I don't really like to see fabric

before it's clothes.

It's like seeing chocolate chips before they're cookies.

Have fun. I will. Thank you.

You're welcome. It's gonna be great. (Chuckles)

Hey, hot shot.

How's it feel to have impending

fatherhood put its boot on your neck?

Uh, well, I fainted

during a video of a birthing class,

so if that's any indication. Well, if it makes you feel better

I fainted during an episode of sons of anarchy.

Our doctor says that I shouldn't be in the delivery room

when we have the baby.

Says I can't handle it.

Ah. You know, the same thing happened to me

when my daughter was born.

So I didn't go in.

And I've been trying to make up for it ever since.

Well, that's sweet that you make

more of an effort with your daughter.

No, it's not really about Amber.

I'm trying to... Make it up to myself.

I wasn't there to hear her first cry

or see her eyes blink open.

Oh, I'd gladly trade the fear of that moment of discomfort

if I could do it all over again.

I'd instagram the hell out of those moments.

(Chuckles)

Listen, my only regrets are the fears I didn't face.

That little boy can't wait to meet you, Bryan.

You be there to shake his hand.

(Indistinct chatter)

Husbands, come with me. Uh, but, dude,

what's up? You had the free pass out of here.

Yeah, we're about to tell our wives we won't be

in the delivery room, just like you.

No, guys, I was wrong. We have to be there.

I always believed that fear belonged to other people,

weaker people, and that it didn't touch me.

But when it does touch you,

you realize it's been there all along.

Wow. That's deep.

Yeah, and it was deep when Jodie foster said it

in the brave one I watched it last night on cable, too.

I'm telling my wife right now.

But I... Amy, I need to tell you something.

My water just broke. What?

In the bathroom. My water broke.

When was your last contraction?

I've been having them all day.

I thought it was false labor.

I'm-I'm not due for two weeks.

Oh, I'm having one now.

Ow! Ow! All right, we need to get you to the hospital.

No hospital. We can bring this new life into the world

right here. I'll fill the birthing tub.

Somebody find my flute.

Shut the (Bleep) Up and get me to a hospital!

Oh. Right, left, right, left.

(Screaming)

All right, take deep breaths, Amy.

You're gonna be fine. Bryan,

how we doing? Well, traffic is a mess.

There's a legless man being pulled in a wagon by a dog. Oh, that is

a strong puggle. Geez! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

All right, Amy, listen to me. Listen to me.

I'm gonna need to examine you. Is that all right? Anything!

I don't care! Okay. Flip around, flip around.

Lean on Goldie. Here we go.

Frank, can you hand me the hand sanitizer, please?

Goldie: Keep breathing, Amy. Frank. Hand sanitizer.

Hand. Sanitizer. Thank you.

Okay. Wait, isn't he a smoke jumper?

Oh, okay. We're gonna be at the hospital in ten minutes.

Oh, ten minutes. That's great! Hey, that's nothing.

Bryan: That's good, right? Goldie: Ten minutes is great!

Bryan, pull over. We're not gonna make it to the hospital.

What? What? What?

David: All right, easy. Put all your weight on me.

Okay, perfect. Just take a breath. Bryan, can you get those seats down?

I'm trying! I don't know how! David: I thought that's why you got this car, to put

canoes and tents and things in it.

I just said that because it's politically incorrect

to drive a car this big!

What are you guys doing here?

A hell of a route you took... sunset on a Friday?

(Sobbing)

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Okay, Amy, I know this wasn't your birth plan,

but it's happening. Ah! I want to push!

Well, that's exactly what you should do. On your next contraction,

I want you to push,

okay? Frank, this is nothing.

(Screaming)

(Gasps) Okay.

Amy. (Screaming)

All right, great. Let's do that one more time, okay?

Your next contraction, a nice big push.

(Screaming, sobbing)

All right, stop pushing.

Frank, I need your help.

I can't do this. I'm not ready for this.

David: I need some help here, please! Okay, okay. I'm-I'm right here.

I'm right here. I'm right here, David. I'm right here.

Okay, uh...

Amy, I want you to grab onto your knees

okay? Just grab onto those knees. You're doing great.

(Quietly): Listen to me, Bryan. The baby's anterior shoulder

is obstructed behind the pelvis.

I need to shift it, okay? I need you

to take your hands and put them like this

and put direct pressure right on the pelvis. Okay.

Right here. Right here. Perfect, perfect. Okay. Okay.

All right, here we go, Amy. Amy,

I know this is very scary and there's a lot going on,

but you have to trust that David knows what he's doing, okay?

Yeah. David: You're doing great, Amy.

Oh, my God. That's a real vagina.

(Amy screaming) Bryan: Oh, my God.

That's a baby coming out of the vagina.

Um, you, uh... plaid shirt, plaid shirt.

I'm sorry I can't think of your name right now,

but this is amazing. Uh, you have to see this.

I-I know you're afraid,

but whatever it is, it's not worth missing this.

Ow! Frank! I need you!

Get over here.

(Amy sobbing) David: Frank,

I want you to grab your wife's hand.

(Amy sobbing) All right, you're doing great, Amy. Keep breathing.

After your next contraction, take one more big push.

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

All right, Frank, Frank. Tell me about your baby.

Do you know what you're having? No,

we wanted it to be a surprise.

He wants a girl, but I-I don't care as long as she doesn't

look like my sister. (Screaming)

(Screaming) David: All right.

(Baby crying) David: Okay! There you go.

Happy Birthday.

Here you go, papa.

You have a beautiful daughter.

Joel: Smoke jumper!

Crowd: Smoke jumper! Smoke jumper! Smoke jumper!

Oh, hey, Rocky. Don't talk. Just listen.

So, you don't want lemonade?

I'll take a lemonade.

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Shania, I've come to realize...

That lemonade needs sugar.

Yuck. (Nikki coos)

Anyway, I'm sorry I was rude

when you offered to babysit Nikki.

I know you see me as a strong, confident,

Michelle Obama-like beacon of hope...

I don't see you that way.

But the truth is I was scared.

When I saw how naturally taking care of Nikki came to you...

...you just made it look so easy.

Half the time she just grabbed at my glasses

and the other half I made fart noises with my mouth.

Sure, it was fun for an hour,

but at the end of the day, she needs you.

You're her mom.

(Jabbering)

(Chuckles) Hey.

I love you. (Chuckles)

You gonna sweeten up that lemonade or what?

(Chuckles) Hey, sweetie.

Mwah! Look at you. Look how pretty you are.

I'm your mama. Yes. Yes, I am.

Goldie: When I get scared, my first instinct is to run away.

Or shut my eyes real tight.

Or both at the same time.

Thank you so much. That's very nice. Can I get you...

Goldie: But if you run around with your eyes closed,

not only do you bump into walls a lot,

you miss out on seeing some pretty amazing stuff.

Peekaboo! Peekaboo! So what I'm learning

is to face my fears head on.

I don't run anymore, and I don't cover my eyes.

I'm embracing my fears because...

They're the seeds of a new life.

They bring new joys and new dreams.

When I look my fears straight in the eye, I see my future.

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