Original subtitles

You want to throw us a baby shower.

A straight up, hard core, dump your presents

at the door, drink too much chardonnay

and force an entire piece of cake down your mouth,

God-dang baby shower.

(Laughs): Oh...

What do you think, Bryan?

So it's settled, if anyone tries to force

a baby shower on us, we say no.

Some obligatory function where ladies coo

over knitted doodads.

I'd rather go to

a Terence Trent D'Arby fan convention.

Do you think they have those?

Showers are so pointless.

First of all, we are blessed that we don't need anything.

Second of all, we're both men.

Blessed in that department, too. Mm-hmm.

The truth be told, I just don't want to open gifts at a shower.

I think a shower sounds

refreshing.

Rocky put me in charge of coming up with a theme.

So while reading the warhol diaries,

I settled for the early '80s New York art scene.

Goldie: Aw, honey, you're doing such a great job.

I only wish you'd been there to plan my shower.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Aw, these pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe's

baby shower are adorable.

Sure would love one.

Oh, if you're going to the fridge, I'd love one, too.

I've gone ahead and reserved a venue,

hired a photographer,

and curtained off an area

where you can eat deviled eggs

in private without David

lecturing you about your cholesterol.

They call them "deviled" for a reason.

Rocky, I have to say, you are showing

what some might say

is an inappropriate level of passion for this event.

Well, this is not my first time.

Always the showerer, never the show-ee.

(David sighs)

I guess we're having a baby shower.

(All whooping)

One condition though.

No gifts.

Oh, of course. No gifts.

All right, thanks, guys.

Right.

There damn well better be gifts.

I want to get my "aww" on.

Aww. Aww.

(Both laugh)

Today's baby gifts.

Whoa, whoa, what are all those?

Well, this is from the sneaker company that sponsors sing!

They sent over four pairs

of their new infant smart shoe that tracks

the stride and velocity of baby's first steps.

Oh, my God, we haven't even had the shower yet

and we're barraged with gifts.

We're never gonna use any of this crap.

I mean, look at this three-piece suit that my mom sent.

What does she think... we're giving birth to a little

toluca lake financial planner who cheats on his wife?

Rocky: You both are so ungrateful.

Rocky, this room is so packed,

I couldn't even see you back there... what are you doing?

Hooking up speakers to this Teddy bear mp3 player

the crew got you, and how dare you

talk trash about your mom's generosity?

Rocky, in all fairness, we told people to not send gifts

and they keep sending them.

People love buying baby gifts

when they don't have a baby of their own to buy them for.

(Groans)

I can't believe that we are the bad guys

because we don't want people wasting their money

on stuff that we don't want and our baby doesn't need.

We got to cancel that shower.

Oh, no, no, no, no... Shania will be

way too disappointed.

And Rocky'll end up back in rehab.

I don't want to be the cause of that.

Again.

Oh, my God, I know what we should do.

Okay, we have the shower.

People can't help themselves

from bringing gifts.

Smile, say thank you.

And then we sneak out with all the presents and we donate them.

David, you should grow a mustache

and twirl it between your fingers.

Because you are an evil charitable genius.

So, Mr. censor man,

you're telling me that on network television

you can say the word "ass" and you can say the word "hole,"

but you can't say...

Okay, calm down.

Nice talking to you, too.

Ass.

Hole.

What's up, Jane?

I need to buy the boys a baby gift

and I can't think of a thing that child needs

outside of an actual mother.

The official answer I've been instructed to give is...

I know, no gifts.

But you and I both know that all that means is

please spend twice as much as you planned.

Well, that's in Ohio.

But in L.A. it's 20 times as much.

I haven't sold a house yet and I'm short on cash.

Jane, I wasn't always the successful producer

you see towering above you in skyscraper heels.

When I first met Bryan,

I had not fully realized my potential.

I recognize you.

I mean, not from this angle... your face.

You're Bryan Collins.

I've seen you in Hollywood reporter

and from that gossip site when you were

secretly dating Ricky Martin.

Perez Hilton drew a penis on your face.

Well, you're certainly well-informed.

And ambitious.

I'm not gonna work in wax forever.

I want the whole package.

No, no, no, not that package.

I want the big career.

I want a man and a child.

Listen, hire me

and I'll do anything.

I'll work from the bottom up.

(Ripping) (Yells)

When you buy someone a baby gift,

you have to buy in equal proportions as to how much

you feel they have given you.

Now Bryan and David have given me a lot.

How about you?

Fine, but let's go halfsies.

I am so tired of poor white people wanting handouts

from hard-working black folks like me.

But sure why not?

Together we can afford something special.

Jane: A baby Mercedes.

Who would buy such a stupid thing?

Harper Beckham has two.

Okay, please, just keep clicking.

Oh, that little bear suit is cute.

Bear suit?

That's a mink onesie.

Ooh, look at that price tag.

Do you know how many tins of hams

I could send to my dad for that money?

Remember what you said about what the boys have given us.

Okay, you're right, all right.

Let's buy it.

I just hope some little tree-hugger

in a hemp diaper doesn't come along

and splash red finger paint all over it.

Hi, Nana, have a pacifier.

It's coated with pixie stick dust.

Pass.

What the hell kind of shower is this anyway?

A fabulous one.

Oh, and check out my installation.

Okay.

Oh, Clay, how nice of you to show.

Well, I figured Goldie could use someone else

normal here to support her.

Right, exactly the way you supported her

when you two were still married.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh.

I am so sorry, Rocky.

No children, no children.

I know the invitation said "no kids," but

my babysitter bailed on me

in a text followed by another text

saying, "did you get the weed?"

Immediately followed by a third text saying,

"oh, I'm so sorry, oops, that wasn't meant for you."

Here, let me babysit while you go and put some makeup on.

Why?

I put makeup on in the car.

Just do it... you look a mess.

(Sighs)

(Whispering): Hey, aren't you pretty?

Hey.

All right, all right.

Everyone gather around.

It's time to open presents, yay!

Aw.

Let's do it.

David: Group hug. Bryan: Thank you so much.

Mom?

Is this weird for you?

You know, since you're the one having the baby

but the shower's not really for you?

Oh, not at all.

I love that I get to provide so much joy

and happiness to Bryan and David.

And besides, when you were born,

Nana got me a bus pass, so...

...that was pretty neat.

Come on.

This one is from Megan and Ian.

Guys.

It's a...

French claw-foot baby bathtub.

Aww. Aww. We were just talking

about this the other day. We were?

We were.

We were.

A swarovski crystal-studded

potty training seat?

It's perfect.

David: From Jonathan and James.

You guys.

A custom bassinet

made from new Guinea walnut.

That's an endangered wood.

Thank you. Way to go.

Bryan: That's awesome. David: Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Rocky.

It's a mink onesie.

Aw, from Rocky and Jane.

It's perfect.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Rocky.

Oh, David, couldn't we just keep this one?

I mean, he could be... He could be bamm-bamm

from the flintstones for Halloween.

Baby caveman.

It'll be adorable.

Bryan: We have had such a fantastic time today.

We really would love to thank

Shania for coming up with those whole concept.

And also to Rocky

for pulling this whole thing together.

Rocky, this is as much our baby shower

as it is yours.

Yes, we will cherish these gifts

for the rest of our days.

David: Thank you, okay.

All right.

Um... See anyone?

Yeah, can I help you?

Hi, I'm Bryan, this is David.

Um, the thing is

we got all these gifts at our baby shower,

and we already have so much, so we were thinking... Got it.

A couple of rich dudes came here to drop off some guilt, great.

What? No, we actually were just looking for a way to give back,

you know, help the kids. And what kid wouldn't love

a fur onesie with platinum crotch snaps, huh?

(Both laugh)

It seems impractical, but it's actually quite versatile.

And reversible. It is.

Okay, well if Kanye and Kim

decide to give up their kids for adoption,

this should be perfect.

Look, I'm sorry.

Really, I had three kids lose their placement today.

We appreciate your donation, really.

Let me just grab you a receipt.

For your tax write-off.

That's not why we're here. Sir? Sir?

Where's... My shoes came untied.

Do them.

You do them, Malcolm, you know how.

The hell I do, bitch. Hey.

What are you gonna do, tell my parents?

Malcolm... I'm sorry.

Are you being helped?

Uh, yes the other gentlemen was just making

us feel awful about ourselves.

Oh, you met Gerald.

Susie!

What does the state pay you to do?

Tie my damn shoes.

(Laughs) Oh, Malcolm.

Um...

Hi, would you just mind holding

little Nikki here for just a second?

Oh, no, of course, of course.

Hi, oh! Hi.

Well, hello, Nikki.

Oh. Oh, aren't you beautiful?

An angel. Susie: Yeah, she is.

Poor thing. We're looking for a new home for her now.

A little angel without a home.

David, I think we can do better than just dropping off

a truckload full of stuff.

If y'all looking to foster,

you should know I don't judge nobody's lifestyle.

What kind of car y'all drive?

No, David, I'm not saying that we should.

I'm just saying what if...

We adopted that little girl?

Right, but we talked about adoption.

Don't you remember your Brangelina flowchart

with the arrows and Billy Bob and Timothy hutton?

It was a thing of beauty. It was.

And we decided not to do that.

Right, because we want a biological connection

to our child.

Yeah, but, David, look around...

we have so much to offer. (Sighs)

We have three cinnamons in the spice cabinet. (Chuckles)

Our child will be here in two months.

Are you starting to regret that we chose surrogacy?

No. No, no, no.

I can't wait for our baby to come.

I just can't stop thinking about that little girl, Nikki.

Oh, my God, she was so beautiful!

I just wanted to bundle her up and take her home with us.

Then why don't we?

What, just walk in there, point her out and say,

"we'll take that one, please"?

No, I realize

we're not picking out a lobster for dinner.

There's obviously gonna be forms

and evaluations, feats of strength,

a screen tests, a chemistry read.

But when it's all over,

our son will have a big sister to love and protect.

And teach him double Dutch.

And we will be giving two loving parents to someone

who really, really needs them.

Double Dutch.

(Snickers) Oh, you.

A chinchilla baby bib?

It goes with the mink onesie we gave you.

We forgot to give it to you at the party.

And animals were definitely harmed in the making of this.

I'm sorry. We gave the onesie away.

In fact, all the gifts we got at the shower

we donated to the Walker house.

You gave away our gift?

David and I so appreciate the sentiment. In fact,

you will both be getting personalized thank you notes.

Uh, off subject, Rocky, could you please have the sing!

Writers crank out some thank you notes tomorrow?

David and I have so much, we just felt like we should

share with those who need it more.

But we chose that gift for you.

We put in a lot of time and thought.

Screw time and thought. We put in cash!

And who the hell do you think you are

to tell me where my charity should go?

If I want to give, I will contribute

to the leave-a-penny, take-a-penny foundation at my local 7-Eleven.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

We're just trying to do what we think is right.

Although this is really nice.

This is horse crap! I want my money back.

Now what are we gonna do?

We're gonna go down to that Walker house

and take back that onesie.

And we are doing it Rocky style.

(Tapping bell)

Good afternoon.

I'm Rocky Rhoades,

and this is my associate Jane Forrest.

An item was mistakenly donated that belongs to us,

and we're here to get it back.

I'm sorry, ma'am,

you can't just come in here and take things.

Why don't you just let me speak to your supervisor,

who I assume will listen to reason because he is a man.

Susie: There are two crazy women

who are talking about someone's donation

that wasn't really a donation they'd like back.

Susie: I don't know.

(Cries out)

(Talks indistinctly)

What you here for, baby?

Excuse me?

Oh, buzz off, kid.

You looking to adopt a charming child

who is a little lazy about wiping?

That is no way to talk to your elders.

And one of us is a little bit more elderly than the other.

(Clears throat) Sit down!

Malcolm, leave these ladies alone.

The old white lady touched my junk!

Hey! Nah, I'm just playing.

I really got a lot of people in trouble with that.

You looking for the onesie?

Yes.

The donations from yesterday are in the stroller.

Hope you feel good about taking from charity.

Oh, please. I give to charity every week.

It's called medicare.

Can I hold her? Sure.

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you the cutest little thing?

Got it! Found what I was looking for.

I think I did, too. (Chuckles)

Yeah, yeah. Here we go again.

They always fall for the damn baby.

Clay: All right, Shania.

This is your lucky day.

Not only does your dad get to babysat you,

he... and I mean, me... is making you his, slash, my specialty:

American chop suey.

Now, it's mostly a Chinese dish,

but the hot dog chunks

and make it American.

Can I get chopsticks and a fork, please?

Hey, you're okay with the whole baby shower thing, right?

What do you mean?

You know, I know you put a lot of work into it,

and your mom told me about

Bryan and David giving all their gifts away.

You're not sad, are you?

Are you kidding? I'm proud of Bryan and David.

In fact, I hope that in some small way,

they were influenced by my theme.

You know that attacking consumerism was the whole point

of Warhol's work, right?

I thought it was just about drugs and soup.

That too. Mom looked a little sad, though.

I guess it's kind of weird that this is her second baby,

but she's never even had a baby shower.

Can I get some soya sauce and ketchup please?

Yes.

Oh, look, it's the fur-onesies.

I know you say that

to hurt our feelings, but we kind of like it.

Oh, listen, Gerald, what you said yesterday really moved us.

So we came back because we would like to see Nikki again.

We would like to be her foster parents.

Guys, this isn't like the pound.

You can't just come in here and take home a kid.

There is a long involved process

to becoming a foster parent.

We're not idiots, all right? We're understand that there are

forms and home visits and that it takes a lot of time.

So we would simply like to place Nikki on hold.

Wow, I'm impressed. But the good news is.

Nikki's already found placement.

Oh. Uh, thank goodness.

We just, we just would like her to have

a couple of really nice parents.

Well, she found one.

(Humming)

David: Oh, Rocky, she's absolutely beautiful.

Oh, thank you so much.

But if you need to be that close to my baby, pop a mint.

Rocky, we had no idea you wanted to be a foster parent.

Well, I've been thinking about it for a while.

Taking classes and filling out applications

all with the hope of one day being a mom.

I just can't believe you never told us.

Well, to be honest, I was afraid.

Bryan, I didn't want you to think

that I wasn't putting my career first.

Oh, Rocky, no, I am thrilled for you.

And think of how exciting this is gonna be;

Our kids are gonna grow up together.

Now you kids finish your homework.

And then we can watch the premiere of season 23 of sing!

Okay, dad. Thanks, mom.

We just want you to know

that if you ever need any help,

we are here for you. Absolutely.

You know what? I'm gonna build a nursery on the set

so you can do your work and see Nikki whenever you want.

You got it, Rocky. The whole package.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I'm gonna get Nikki home

and put her to bed and watch her sleep all night.

I'll be late in the morning.

So nothing's changed.

You know, there were a lot of other

sweet kids there that needed good homes.

And then there's also that Malcolm.

Both: Surprise!

Gosh, what is all this?

Wait. Did you use all the paper towels?

It's a little late, but we're giving you a Goldie shower.

Or we could just call it a shower. Yeah.

You didn't get one this time,

'cause it's not really your baby,

and you didn't get one last time when you were pregnant with me.

Shania, this is amazing.

Thank you.

Actually, it was all dad's idea.

Except the black sesame rice crackers and garlic hummus,

'cause I was in the mood for them.

P.S. Those are mine, don't eat them.

I'm sorry I didn't get you a gift, but I figured

you got the best one in the world right here.

This is so sweet.

If I hadn't already cried four times today

over a cat commercial, I'd be sobbing.

(Whimpers)

Oh, my God, there's more!

Oh, good, Gerald, you're still here.

Uh, we decided we would like to foster a child and we want

to make sure you get the commission.

We want Malcolm.

Malcolm? Malcolm's my son.

What? Malcolm!

What did you tell these guys?!

No matter what my dad says,

if you got a latina housekeeper

with a donkey bootie, I'm available.

Okay, so Malcolm's out.

Doing a great job with him, by the way.

Look, there's got to be some kid here we can make

a deep personal connection with.

Look, please slow down, guys. I get you want to help.

You're obviously really excited about being parents.

But why don't you wait until your baby comes

and enjoy being dads?

Then we can talk about adding another kid

to your family, you know?

There's got to be something

we can do right now to help these kids.

Hell, yeah, make me a peanut butter sandwich, gay.

People say it's better to give than to receive.

Me? I love to receive.

Just ask my ex-boyfriend Darnell.

It's just the things that I've wanted

to receive lately have changed.

They don't come wrapped in fancy boxes.

In fact, the best gifts are messy, loud

and sometimes stink like hell.

You ask me, I think the folks

who give the most are damned greedy pigs.

'Cause they always end up receiving the most.

Well, that's me, I'm greedy.

Because in giving, I got it all.

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