All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e14 Gaydar.eng

Oh, good, you're doing nothing.

I'm watching the playoffs.

That's what you said
last Sunday.

Hey...

Anyway, I've been kicking
around some ideas

for birth announcements.

I just need you to sign off
on one more thing.

I'm sure whatever you want
is fine, it's...

What the hell is that?

It's his wardrobe for the
christening announcement photo.

Oh, no.

My son is not wearing that.

Oh, no, no, no... if you're
afraid it's derivative,

it is intentionally so.

It is modeled after
Lucy Harker's funeral gown

from Francis Ford Coppola's
Dracula.

Good eye, David. My son is
not wearing a dress, Bryan.

It is not a dress.

It is a classic turn of
the century dressing gown.

They were very common infant
attire and a lot of parents

still use them in birth
and christening announcements.

I'm just kind of hoping
to get to his first birthday

without him being
called "a baby homo."

Who would call an infant
"a baby homo"

except for a toddler
Michele Bachmann?

David, clothes do not
define what somebody is.

I mean, look at me.

If you had to pick what
my sexuality was

based on what I was wearing,
what would you say?

Lesbian bagger vance.

I love the way you dress,
I'm just saying we have

to be careful about what kind
of impression we put out there.

Meaning what? Meaning that
people make snap judgments

based on appearances

and it could affect him
for the rest of his life.

Fine, if you don't
like my idea,

come up with one of your own.

Hello.

Welcome.

Jane Forrest,
exquisite properties

for appropriate buyers.

My God, it's dead in here.

It's more like
a haunted open house.

And you must be
one of the ghosts.

Judging by your outfit,

I'd say you died around
the time argo was set.

I am dressed as what I am,

which is a damn good
real estate agent.

Now, are you here
to view the property

or just to air out those
dazzling new tooth caps

of yours?
Oh, relax Janey, I'm Brice.

Nancy Niles' broker associate.

She sent me here to check out
your first open house.

Let's see.

You see that? I just...
I just cruised myself.

I am literally a Greek God.

Tell me, does this

pant make my package
look too big?

Certainly pales in comparison
to the size of your ego.

Now, thank you
very much, price...

Brice... as in Dallas Howard.

So, Jane, tell me.

Where'd you get your start
in real estate?

Ohio.
Right.

And I bet the smell

of these cookies baked
fresh from a tube

is your secret weapon?

Yes.
No.

See, here in L.A. it's just
a reminder of your client's

eating disorder, but see

that is not what's
driving people

away from your open house.

Okay, I'll bite...
what is?

Well, we could quickly slap
on a fresh coat of paint,

but I think the real problem
lies within the foundation.

I mean, the whole design scheme
is so tacky and outdated.

Are you insane? We can't
flip an entire house.

Keep up with me, honey... I'm
not talking about the house.

I'm flipping you.

It was so nice
meeting you, Shania.

I hope you had fun
on the set tour,

though I don't normally

give it myself. (Laughs)

There are special
privileges that come

with being the kid of
my boss's surrogate.

You don't have any more
children, do you?

Oh, no.

Okay, see you guys later.

Hey, girls, hate to interrupt
but picture's up in ten

and our star needs
to be touched up.

Oily faces don't
powder themselves.

No, they don't.

Bye.

Oh, how do I look?

Great.

Is there something in my teeth?

How's my breath?
Did you eat bologna?

That's Chris.

He's a grip.

What's a grip?
Got me.

We have a bit of a thing going.

Oh, um, what about Darnell?

I thought you guys
were hot and heavy.

Well, when things got intimate,
Darnell kept taking

the bus downtown,
which I do like,

but he never got off
at the right stop.

He kept taking it all
the way to skid row.

I couldn't look him
in the eye anymore,

you know what I'm saying?
Not at all.

Hey, baby girl.
Hey.

Hey. Kisses...
mm-wah, mm-wah.

Two things... number one,
you look stupid fierce.

Number two, we have
a date... Mary J. Blige

is playing at the Nokia,
no is not an option, and...

No more drama.

(Both laughing)

Aren't you gonna introduce me
to these two lovely ladies?

Oh, Chris, these
are my friends.

This is Goldie and Shania.

I bet you break boys' hearts
left and right.

Don't you know it, girlfriend?

We should go out
boy-hunting sometime.

Goldie (Laughs):
Isn't she precocious?

She taught me that word
when she was four.

Yeah, well,
I better get back to work.

I got a jib arm to rig.

What was that, saying
you want to go hunting

for boys with my boyfriend?

Rocky, I was kidding.

I'm too young
to get into gay bars.

(Bell rings)

Man:
All right, picture's up.

Okay, we want
to upgrade her look.

But I don't want
anything crazy.

Crazy is what you've got, girl.

Brice:
I know, it's so brutal,

I just want to snap it of, boil it
in water and put marinara on it.

- Baby, the way your tong works.
- You don't know the half.

Maybe you just try adding
a little texture and swing.

It looks hot on my wife.

It's easy to wear
it down for work.

Or tie it up for chasing
our kids around the house.

Hairstylist: I say we do
some subtle layering.

Something to highlight
your great jaw line.

Natasha, I never noticed
how soft you hair is.

Don't let me leave without
the name of your conditioner.

And your phone number.

(Laughs)

What are you doing?

Hopefully getting her number.

And it's a game?

Oh, sweetheart, it's
definitely a game.

Uh-huh, to what end?

To what...
I don't know.

Go to dinner, a movie,
or see where the night takes us.

I have a boat.

Are you even thinking about her?

What about her feelings?

What if she likes you?

Is it the fumes in here?

I know rayburn uses a
two-step emulsifying bleach.

Please, I know you, Brice.

I was married to a man
just like you.

And I think you are cruel
and you are selfish.

And if you were
a decent human being,

you would leave
that young girl alone

and stick to your own kind.

What's my own kind?

Gay.
I'm not gay.

Oh, please,
you are wearing a bracelet.

Jane, it's a new world.

Just because a guy's
into fashion and culture

and hair processing
doesn't make him gay.

Hear, hear.

Oh...

I mean,
what is David's problem?

That's a perfectly lovely gown

for a boy or a girl.

Um, I think I might have to
side with David on this one.

It's a little... girly?

Well, so what? I mean,
clothing doesn't necessarily

have to indicate gender.

Right, but, um...
Most people aren't that evolved.

They go with their
first impressions

and sometimes that can hurt.

(Knocking on door)

I need to talk to the child.

Child, you have lost your damn

stinking mind suggesting that my
boyfriend Chris is a homosexual.

Oh, so he's secretly gay,
but dates women as a cover?

You know, on the down low?

What? The down low?

My man is on the up high...
he is straight.

I'm sure you think he is, Rocky,

but my gaydar
is pretty impeccable.

Yes, miss Shania?

Diego, I wanted to tell you.

Despite how difficult it
must be in your community

to proudly declare who you are,

I know.

?C?mo?

I know the hanky
in your left pocket

is part of the gay hanky code.

Well, I just, uh, use it to wipe
my sweat when I trim the bushes.

Okay, we'll go with that.

Here, I got you this.

It's Bryan's screener
for Les Miz.

Maybe you know someone
who'd enjoy watching it.

I just know on, like,
a molecular level.

Sorry, Rocky, but Chris is gay.

Ooh, Jane, what's with
the scarf? Chemo?

My hair is not thinning,

if that's what you're implying.

Why is Rocky sweating?

Oh, well, Shania accused
Rocky's boyfriend

of being gay...
Which he is not.

And we were just, uh,
clearing up the situation.

I am going through
this exact same thing

with this fellow at work.

Well, it's not as easy
to tell who's gay

and who's straight anymore.

If I'm confused, I can't imagine
how you straights feel.

Well, Chris is straight.

Well, your not-gay,

gay boyfriend can't be

any gayer than gay Brice.

Why do you even care?

I need to find out if I
should like him or hate him.

And make him deal
with his life choices

so he doesn't hurt
innocent women.

Like me.

Ooh, what if we have a dinner,

and then we can put these guys

to a gay test...
like a game show.

Whoo-hoo!
Well, I'm in.

Because I know I'm gonna win.

Okay, I'll do anything
to find out the truth.

If this works,
I can repackage it

with has-beens
and then sell it to FOX.

Beach house!

I found the ***

outfit for the birth
announcement picture.

(Imitates fanfare)

Huh? I was gonna get

a little mouth guard,
but then I realized

he's not gonna have
any teeth to protect, so...

(Sighs):
Well, it beats the dress.

It's not a dress, it's a gown.

And there's a difference.

Yeah, one is for girls,
the other's for gays.

Wow.

I'm just trying
to live my life.

I didn't realize I was

living it with a homophobe.

That's not what I meant, Bry.

I'm just saying,
it's gonna be weird enough

for some people to receive
a birth announcement

with two dads on it.

Oh, my God, David.

If you're so concerned

about what other
people might think,

I'll just write
on the back of it,

"it's just a gown.
He's not gay.

"At least, not yet.

We'll check back
at puberty."

Please, don't even
joke about that.

All the people who judge us

will get on their soapboxes
and say, "see?"

"He was surrounded
by so much gay,

it probably rubbed off on him."

Just like my parents
surrounded me

with all their straightness,
and it rubbed off on me?

It doesn't work
that way, David.

Yeah, but you know
how the world is.

People like to condemn

the things they
don't understand.

There was this...

(Sighs)

...kid on my junior
high mock U.N. team.

I called him a fag,

'cause I was afraid

that people would call me that.

'Cause even back then,

I knew that I was one.

I hope...

Our son won't
experience the same

pain and humiliation
and exclusion that we did.

David,

I'm not concerned about that,

because I do believe

that a kid's parents
rub off on them.

But the things that are gonna
rub off on our kids

are things like strength

and tolerance and love.

(Doorbell rings)

Can we talk more
about this later?

Sure.

Good evening, and welcome to...

Both:
"Gay or not gay?!"

(Rocky laughs)

Yeah, are you guys sure
this is a good idea?

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

(Sighs)

Jane.

Oh, my lord,

you look

amazing.

I do not use the word "fabulous"

very often...

Okay, maybe I do.

But I've never meant it
more than I do right now.

Really? I feel

so unladylike in these clothes.

It's too late to go
home and change, right?

Boys are coming soon. Okay.

(Mouths)

How does the gay test work?

Okay, we've devised
a series of tests

to see which way your men sway.

The first topic we're gonna
throw at them is...

Female Oscar winners.

Dead giveaway.

Here you go.

That's very gentlemanly of you.

If you knew what I was
thinking about your new look,

you wouldn't call me
a gentleman.

You look hot as hell, Jane.

Now that seemed like genuine
boy-girl stuff to me.

What's your man-tenna
picking up?

I need more time.

Okay, guys, we have Bryan's
famous gruy?re crisps

with a truffled-lobster paste.

All: Ooh! Bryan:
I'm a great cook.

Diet starts tomorrow.

Beep-beep-beep-beep.

Aren't you allergic?

Speaking of allergies, I about
busted out in hives when I saw

what diablo Cody was
wearing to the 2008 oscars.

Anybody remember?

Oh, my God,

that floor-length
cheetah-print frock?

She looked like a thrift store
sofa with tattoos.

Hmm. Welcome to
the jungle, honey.

Very confusing.
He took the bait,

but then he threw in that
reference to guns n' roses.

To what?

Never mind.

Over salad, we'll initiate
round two of testing,

based on gay men's
innate ability

to identify any top ten song.

Goldie, we'll need
your help with this.

This green goddess dressing
is delicious,

and Chris is delighted.
Bryan: Oh.

Oh, uh, I always enjoy music

with my salad.

Bryan, would you turn on
the radio?

Wait, mom,
I brought my recorder.

Would you like
to hear me play it?

Great idea! Wait. I know.
Let's make a game out of it.

Name that tune!

Yay!
Oh, play it.

(Plays two notes)
"Diamonds."

By Rihanna.

Come on. It was two notes.
It could be any song.

It could, but it isn't.

He's right.

(Laughing)

That Rihanna.
Is so hot.

And then, for dessert,

we'll retire to the parlor
for a rousing game of celebrity!

Celebrity?
What's that?

Celebrity is a guessing game,
where you draw names out

of an orange Bauer cookie jar,
and then you try

to get your teammates to guess
the names that you're holding.

Bryan and I will stack the deck

with some very gay-centric
personalities.

All right, Brice, Chris,

our team is up, let's do it.

You guys are going down. Watch a
professional.

Here we go.

Shania, whenever you are ready.

All right, here we go.

All right, this guy
is an artist

or a photographer...

Both: Robert mapplethorpe!
Yes.

Okay, what do we got?

I don't know who this person is.

First name starts with,
is like "kanga..."

Rue!
McClanahan!

Yes! Bam!

Okay, all right, this is
the daughter of someone.

Liza Minnelli.
Lourdes Ciccone.

It was lourdes.

That's amazing.

Okay, oh, this one's easy,
this one's mine.

This was the quarterback for the
aggies, heisman trophy winner.

Johnny Manziel.

Time.

Okay, so after all that,

what if the data
is inconclusive?

There is one, final test.

It is absolutely 100% accurate.

But it is so horrible

to make a man sit through
if he's not gay.

I will only break this out
as an absolute last resort.

Oprah's legends ball.

No straight male has ever
sat through an entire viewing

without his body shutting down
to protect itself.

And, oh, yes, there
will be Cicely Tyson.

Ay, dios mio.
Look at them sitting there

in their Sunday best
on Oprah's front lawn!

Ooh! Miss Leontyne Price.
Work it, girl.

Phylicia Rashad,
I wish you were my mom!

Get off the screen,
Maria Shriver!

Ooh, this is my favorite part.

They pass the microphone
to miss Patti LaBelle!

Sing it, girl!
Sing it!

It is over!
Ah!

I'm gonna get a teensy Brandy.

Oh, Lena horne, you're alive!

It looks like your fella's

waving the rainbow flag
in surrender.

We don't know that
for sure, Jane.

Miss della Reese. Mm!

Why don't you just ask him,
Rocky?

Yeah, isn't it more honest
than playing this silly game?

I can't.
It's too hard.

Oh, sing it, Diana, sing it.
(Whispers): You look crazy.

No, the gay test is working.

Let it play out.

So that's what this is,
a bitch-hunt?

Well, I already know what I am,
so I'm gonna go.

(Singing continues on video)

Looking good, Gladys,

looking good. Nice.
She's back on top.

Brice?

Please don't go.

You know, Jane, I thought you
were sharp and funny, shrewd,

with this new look of yours,
super sexy,

but this little dinner party
you're throwing

to find out if I'm gay?

That's pathetic.

(Both mouthing)

Aw, hell! Chris,
are you gay or straight?

Am I what?

Are you gay or straight?

Because this game we're playing

isn't working and if we're
gonna be a thing,

then I need to know. Now!

Well, I don't think I care to
answer that question, rock

I will tell you this though:
You and I

are most definitely
not a thing.

Not anymore.
(Snaps fingers)

Goldie, I'm so sorry
I involved Shania

in that gaydar dinner
last night.

We hurt people's feelings and
we perpetuated ugly stereotypes.

As an apology, please accept

these French lavender macaroons
from ladur?e.

Oh!

Oh!

Neh, neh, neh,
they're too beautiful to eat.

Shania:
I'm so ashamed.

I messed up Rocky's relationship
with Chris,

and I might have
been wrong about him.

Maybe I never really had an
amazing gaydar power at all.

I'm going to write a letter
of apology on my blog

to the city of Portland

for describing its entire
female population as lesbian.

That's very sweet, baby.

It's a whole new sexually
ambiguous world

out there, and that's good.

I mean, no one can be 100% sure
that I'm gay.

Sure.
Yes.

(Speaks gibberish) But I...

Can I...?
Don't even...

(Muffled):
I'm sorry.

(Bell ringing) Man: All
right, that's a wrap, folks.

Take an hour for lunch.

Chris, what I did was wrong.

I shouldn't have lied to you about
the auspices of our dinner.

I am truly sorry.

I've got no right
to criticize you for lying.

Rocky, I am gay.

I don't say that aloud
too often,

'cause look at this crew
I work with.

It's like duck dynasty
up in here.

And I didn't tell you 'cause
we were too busy having fun.

But when I realized that you had
those kind of feelings for me,

I didn't know how to tell
the truth without hurting you.

Well, now that I know the truth,
I still want you in my life,

but just not as a boyfriend.

Can I still call you
"girlfriend"?

Oh, I insist. And let
me tell you something:

I am a producer of
sing! And that means

I contribute to the
order up in here.

And if any person
makes you feel uncomfortable

because of who you are,

you run and tattle to me
and I will bring the justice.

Okay.

And also before the Mary J.
Blige concert tomorrow...

Manis and pedis?

Girl, calm down.

We're doing dinner.

I'd love that.

Good. See you tomorrow.

Girl, that ass
is still banging.

(Clears throat) I heard you
sold that house on Glendower.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Anything else?

No.

Actually, yes.
Oh, yeah?

Would you like some tips
on the best bar in Mykonos?

Or maybe we could play
some Lady Gaga trivia.

Or perhaps you're looking for
some tips on how to remove

Merlot stains
out of skinny jeans?

I wanted to say something to you
about last night.

I wanted to say I was sorry

and that what I did
was not kind.

Then why did you do it?

I needed to know if you were gay
or straight.

Oh, my God, you are so quick
to judge everyone.

You want to label everyone up
against some old stereotype.

You are the most stereotypical
person I've ever met in my life.

What do you care what anyone is?
Why do you care what I am?

Because I like you.
Because I'm d...

I'm drawn to you.

I really loved my husband,
Edgar.

I really did.

We had the best time together.

We would go to the theater,

we would discover new bistros.

I was so attracted to all that.

But Edgar was not attracted...
To me.

And I do not want to make
that same mistake twice.

Jane, the world has changed.

It's not black and white
anymore.

Well, maybe it's just too much
change for me.

(Knocks on desk)

Sit down.

I can help you change
your hair,

I can help you
change your outfit,

but only you can
change yourself.

The question you have to ask is

do you want to hold onto the way
things used to be and be right,

or do you want to
change and be happy?

You still think I'm gay?

(Moans)

I don't care.

So, I have been thinking about
the outfit

our baby will wear
for the birth announcement.

Oh, sweetie, I really don't
want this to be a whole thing.

So he can wear whatever
you want him to wear.

What made you change your mind?

That silly dinner party.

Last night, I became that kid
from junior high all over again.

Judging someone because I was
afraid of being judged.

It wasn't just you.

It was Shania, too.

(Chuckles)

If we don't change,
if we don't evolve, then we die.

You don't see any theropod
dinosaurs hanging around

anymore, do you?
You want to know why?

Because dromaeosauridae...

Oh, my God, David,
it's like you want me

to stop paying attention.

I just don't want our son

to grow up the way that I did:

Afraid to be myself,

playing into stereotypes
so he won't be judged.

But he can only do that
if I'm not afraid.

So, go ahead.

Put our son in
the dress... gown.

But I do have one
slight adjustment.

(Laughs)

It's perfect.

It's odd and amazing,
and it will confuse everyone.

And I love it.

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