Original subtitles

Well, Millenia, everything looks great,

and the nanny agency certainly loves you.

We just have a couple more questions for you.

Tiny things.

Can you list the systematic differences

between the common cold and sinusitis?

And please give me both Western and naturopathic responses.

Bryan: The Internet has both helped and hurt man's development. Discuss.

David: Muppets or puppets?

And if you'll please, Ernie or Bert?

Our child's hungry,

but there's only Swiss chard,

a can of sardines, and marshmallows in the house.

What do you make?

It's Ernie.

(Stopwatch ticking)

Bryan: Time.

Thank you for coming.

Our son hurts himself...

nothing serious, just a skinned knee...

but in that moment, the shock of the pain terrifies him.

The world seems chaotic and cruel.

He needs a source of total love and protection,

and as his big teary eyes look up at you,

what do you do?

I put butter on it?

Thank you for coming.

Well, that was depressing.

11 prospective nannies and not one of them makes the cut.

I know, and I do not think we are being that hard to please.

Have you been touching my things?

Bry, I don't want to hire a nanny.

I'm so happy you're saying this.

Of course, one of us

would have to quit work for a while.

Me, me... please let it be me.

I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home dad.

I'll have playdates and I'll worry

about the croup, whatever that is,

and-and I'll hang on his every "goo-goo"

and "lady gaga."

Really, you'd be willing to do that?

'Cause I was kind of thinking that I could do it, too.

David, you're a doctor.

Your job is life-or-death.

I'm just a simple television producer

that's changed the world and sets the cultural barometer,

and besides, sing! Writes itself.

Bry, in all the years that I've known you,

you've woken up early once, and that was to watch

Kate and William's royal wedding in real time.

David, I can do this.

It's in the bag.

(Knocking)

Hey! Surprise!

Hey, look at you,

sweating like Ann coulter in an iranian mosque.

(Laughing): I don't know what any of those words are.

(Laughter) So, what's going on?

With your birthday coming up,

we thought we would treat you

to some much deserved pampering.

(Gasps)

Wha...?

A week-long stay at the serenity spa in Sedona?

Is it safe

to travel to Mexico?

It's in Arizona and it's fabulous.

You can even get a hot pebble massage for the baby.

Oh, this is very sweet, guys,

but I can't just leave Shania for a week.

We will watch Shania.

Boom. Bryan thinks he can be a stay-at-home dad.

And David doesn't think I can do it,

but once I set my mind to something, I always succeed.

Did I not put together that Ikea footstool for Goldie?

It was a solitary block.

Mm-hmm. Oh, this is so generous.

I mean,

I haven't been on vacation since

Shania was born.

So... will you take us up on our offer?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna go pack now.

Viva Sedona!

(Both cheering)

In my opinion the color palate flat-out does not work.

Just a warning: Bryan's going to hate it.

I like how the red lamp complements

the pink flame duvet.

I like the story that it tells,

if this were a teen whorehouse in a John Hughes movie.

Total redo.

Where have you been?

You missed rehearsal the other night.

Did you follow Bebe Neuwirth

home from the gas station again?

Yes. Rocky, I've come to a decision.

When my baby comes, I'm gonna go on paternity leave.

I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad.

(Laughs)

You, a stay-at-home-dad?

That's like me being a featured actress on girls.

Who's gonna take over while you're gone?

Well, I guess the sing! Writers can handle it.

They have nothing else to do

with their lives except buy

more ill-fitting fleece items.

Excuse me,

you need a producer

to hold this ship together.

You need a Captain.

You need me. Ha!

Bryan, I've dreamt of being a producer

ever since I was a kid.

I produced my own version of fat Albert.

Even did my own spin-off.

Cut, cut, cut!

This is fat Albert: The revenge, people.

Now, fat Albert,

eat the little white girl!

Well, rocky, I didn't realize you wanted to be a producer.

Let me prove to you that I can do this.

I don't know if you're ready.

Hi, Bry.

Hi. Hate to interrupt,

but my character would never say this stuff.

Oh, so you don't like what's written?

Maybe you'll like what I wrote.

Interior, basement. Night.

Brynn, in her cheer uniform, lays tied up on a cold table.

A crazy hunchback enters and stabs her

several times in the face.

We cut to the hospital,

and sure enough, Brynn survives

but needs a face transplant.

Enter.

Demi Lovato, who will do it for cheap.

I'll do it as written.

The ship is yours.

(Sighs)

I can't stop eating pottery and cigarette ashes.

Hey, you two.

Ew, what is that smell?

We're watching a marathon

of my strange addiction and eating

some of the "safely edible" obsessions from the show.

I ate cotton.

Well, it's 10:00.

Headed to bed.

I think it's a little past Shania's bedtime, too?

I'm pretty sure Shania can handle a few more episodes, right?

We can't stop now.

We haven't found out what happens

to that lady who eats her dead husband's ashes.

Okay.

Bry, I hope you know that,

when the baby comes, gonna have to keep him on a schedule.

Babies need structure.

Aw, would you eat my ashes, babe?

Woman: I think you need help for this, I think...

Shania: Bryan!

Bry, Shania's calling you.

Shh, I took a Lunesta.

You can't take sleeping pills

when you're responsible for a child.

As long as Dr. daddy is here,

papa's going to pill down.

Bryan!

Bryan: All right, I'm on it.

Are you okay?

What's wrong?

I can't sleep.

That creepy mobile above the crib is making

scary shadows on the wall.

This is an ancient Mayan goddess of sleep;

It's very chic.

Oh, my God, that is terrifying.

It's just that I've never woken up in the middle of the night

and not had my mom there to comfort me.

Oh.

Once upon a time,

I saw a woman named Uma Thurman

without any makeup on

under the harsh fluorescent lights

of a walgreens at 2:00 in the morning,

clutching a six-pack of vanilla ensure.

(Yawning): And...

Oh, wait, that story is too scary.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so glad you're here, Bryan; You're the best.

I almost don't miss my...

Come on, Bryan, wake up.

It's 7:30.

Oh, 7:30, thank God.

Three more hours of sleep.

No, you have exactly 20 minutes to make my breakfast,

pack my lunch, quiz me on my spelling words,

and drive me to school.

School, yes, right, on it!

Here you go!

Oh.

An avocado, a club soda, and a wheel of brie?

Well, I could give you camembert,

but I doubt your palate is sophisticated enough

to appreciate the difference.

(Clicks tongue) Come on, let's go!

(School bell ringing)

Bye, honey! Have a good day at school!

Learn stuff you can Google later.

Hi.

I'm Courtney, this is Tasha.

We are the school's parent project coordinators.

Oh, um, I am Bryan.

I'm taking care of Shania while her mom's away. Wonderful.

My son's Ethan, and he's right over there

playing with Courtney's son Ethan.

Oh, um, oh, look at them... they're, they're like two little

perfect Vegas magicians.

How'd you get 'em out the door like that?

I barely had time to get pants on Shania. I relate.

Yesterday, after strength training, I do the housework,

work on my blog... which is kind of

a girl, interrupted at 40 kind of thing...

marinate an osso buco for dinner,

meditate, and it hits me:

I haven't prepared Ethan's vegan lunch

for school tomorrow yet.

How did you possibly get all that done in time?

I did. Of course she did.

Anyway, we're holding a princess tea and social

tomorrow and we were wondering

if you, as Shania's caretaker,

had time to provide decorations.

I do, oh, I definitely do.

Great... it is so nice

to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Bye.

There go the botoxic avengers.

(Both chuckle)

Are you a Christian dude who preaches to kids

not to do drugs or something?

Oh, no, no, uh...

I'm a dad.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Good times, huh? (Chuckles)

Having a four-foot tall boss who screams

and sneezes in your face.

I love taking care of a child.

I-I love that that's my daily life.

See, I see what you're doing there.

(Baby crying) Aw...

Here, let me try one.

Tonight my wife won't visibly recoil

at my touch.

She's lost all respect for me.

(Crying)

And I don't blame her.

Oh.

(Chimes)

Start.

Start.

Start, start, start, start.

(Ringtone playing)

Hola, Goldie.

How's Sedona?

(Moans) Awesome.

I can't stop eating the cucumber on my face.

I wish I had ranch dressing.

(Sighs weakly) How's Shania?

I'm, I'm just checking in.

Oh, she is great.

She's happy, she's just, you know,

wise beyond her years.

Um, silly question.

David wants to know how to use

the washing machine.

Oh, Bryan,

a man has entered with a bacon sandwich,

and there's a lady with big thumbs rubbing my feet.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can concentrate

on what you're saying anymore.

Just put four quarters in the machine

and push the biggest knob.

All right, thanks.

(Ringtone playing) No, n-n-no.

Bryan Collins, stay-at-home dad.

Shania threw up?

Was it on purpose?

I need it to be darker.

I need it to be brighter.

I need soup.

I want chicken noodle.

I'm cold, I need more blankets.

Triangles?

I'm hot, I want a fan.

I want to watch house hunters international.

Will you play with my hair?

What's a vagina for other than peeing?

I want you to draw a picture of me,

but as a pig eating a ham sandwich.

Sing me an esoteric Broadway medley.

Watch cataract surgery with me on YouTube.

I'm gonna try peanuts for the first time.

I want to play video games.

I want my mommy.

I need water. I need air.

I'm bored.

Hey, Bry,

how was your day?

What, is the pilot light out or something?

I'm trying to figure out how Sylvia plath did it.

I can't do it, David.

I said I could be a stay-at-home dad, but I can't do it.

You have to do it.

Shania (ln distance): Bryan!

Help me, please.

It's the middle of the night.

It's 7:00,

and it's just dark

'cause you have your sleep mask on.

Don't worry. Daddy David's on the job.

Shania. Shania?

Morning, sunshine.

Looks like you're feeling better.

Time to get ready for school.

But, David...

I brought you some hot chocolate,

your slippers are beside the bed,

and I don't want to rush you,

but breakfast is ready downstairs.

Hot chocolate? Slippers? Breakfast?

It's like I'm at a spa like my mom.

Uh-huh. Come on. It's a beautiful day.

T minus 60 minutes to go over your math homework

and your spelling words... I cannot decide

which one I want to do first...

and I will have you at school with plenty of time to spare.

David, you don't...

And... if we have any time left,

we can go through your yearbook and I will

tell you which one of the boys you like

are slam-dunk gays.

I thought you said school starts at 8:45.

Shania: It does. Just not on Saturday.

What? It's sat... it's Saturday.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried, but you were so excited about staying on schedule.

And you gave me hot chocolate.

I mean, I'm jacked up.

The only thing I have today

is a princess tea and social

at my friend Bianca's house,

but that's not till 3:00.

What do we do until then?

Ooh! We could go to Radioshack

and check out the new cell phone skins.

Shania: I'm bored. (David groans)

I know it's Saturday, but this is an emergency.

I've been getting reports about your behavior on set this week.

And do these reports include words such as "excellent" and...

"Professional" and "fine as hell"?

Rocky, I put my empire in your hands,

and you've run around terrorizing people

like Christian bale in heels.

Cut!

Hey, I'm the director.

I yell "cut." Not anymore you don't!

This is not iCarly.

I want shirts off.

Girls' tops, too.

This is a sex scene!

And the key to good sex is moisture, even teen sex!

Makeup!

Lather 'em up!

And when I say "action,"

I want to see tongues.

Where's the water?

The production will no longer be providing

expensive bottled water. You want some,

get it from the park on your way to work

and store it in the hump on your back.

But I'm thirsty now.

Why the hell you need water

when we have orange and purple fantas right here?

Look!

Are you writers all brain-dead?!

Another Barbra Streisand medley?

This is a high school show.

It is not believable that a 16-year-old girl

played by a 26-year-old actress

would be singing songs by a 70-year-old lady.

We're gonna get some real music on this show.

This is R. Kelly.

Trapped in the closet.

And we will be reenacting all 40 chapters.

Um, this thing is 90 minutes long.

And? We're an hour show.

Well, then you'd better write small, nerds.

You used the n-word.

I know.

And I called them nerds.

I trusted you at a time

when I was completely overwhelmed,

and now I have to spend the entire week

putting out your fires.

I-I'm sorry.

I really thought I was doing my best for you.

(Sniffles) If you need me...

...I'll be at crustacean restaurant,

drowning my sorrows in black bean crab.

There's everything you need. And thanks again

for agreeing to host the party at the last minute.

I can't believe the pta decided to schedule

an emergency meeting today. We're spearheading

an anti-name-calling campaign, and if we're not there,

those brain-dead morons will just screw it up.

David: Okay, princess party.

Before we get started, I thought

we could all get to know each other.

Cupcakes!

I know. Let's start with cupcakes.

Okay, miladies, hope the tea is to your liking.

Why are you talking to us like that? We're not four.

My apologies, princess Rebecca.

(British accent): Off with me head.

(Normal voice): Whoa.

Tough castle.

Hey, where you going?

Rebecca and Erin are ignoring me, so I'm going to take a bath.

Take a bath? No, no, no. Wait, you can't take a bath.

Shania, will you go talk to her, please?

I don't really know her that well.

Your wife looks like a man.

Whoa, where you guys going?

(Bowl clatters) It doesn't belong in the ballroom.

(Water running) (Sighs)

(Girls giggling, shouting)

Oh!

(Laughs)

All right. Let me jump in!

Oh, my lord. Oh!

Ow.

You hit my face with the zipper.

I'm gonna have to get plastic surgery.

I honestly don't know why

your daddy wants to live alone in an apartment.

(Girls giggling)

I thought you were gonna put makeup on yourselves.

Quiet, peasant!

I really couldn't conjecture who the woman is

that keeps calling your house. Maybe...

It's a business associate of your father's.

Charge!

Charge!

Charge!

(Singing "charge" fanfare) Oh, my God.

Where did you get all those scissors?!

Ha!

Girls?

They went upstairs to look through your nightstand.

My nightst...

Look, we found your see-through lotion.

Mmm, it tastes like strawberries.

I want to taste it.

David...

You up here?

(Smelly whimpers) (Bryan chuckles)

How was the party?

I was sure that I could do it better than you,

but I couldn't.

They're dressed like princesses, but they're monsters.

(Chuckles)

Monsters.

I know.

We'll figure it out.

Is that my tiara?

So, you like babies?

Oh, yes. Very much.

Do you know how to pur?e a carrot?

N-no, but I'm happy to learn.

Sounds good. You seem great.

No! You cannot hire a nanny.

No offense. I'm sure you're wonderful.

(Whispers): Bitch.

Bryan: Goldie, what are you doing back here?

You still have four more days at the spa.

Shania called me.

She said she was worried about you guys.

(Sighs) We're sorry, Goldie.

We thought we could do it, but...

We can't. We need professional help.

No. You don't.

Every parent in the history of parenting goes through this.

They think they can't handle it, that it's all gonna fall apart.

And the truth is, sometimes it all falls apart.

That was... comforting advice.

I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

Raising a kid is hard.

But...

You figure it out.

I mean, I more or less did it alone.

But you two have each other.

Yeah, but we both suck. Mm.

You both have different strengths.

David, you are practical and organized.

Bryan, you're fun and creative.

I don't think I like my strengths.

You don't have to be great at everything,

as long as each of you is great at something.

You know what?

Keep Shania for one more day.

You'll see.

(Romantic instrumental plays)

(Sighs) I came as soon as I got your text.

You didn't say what it was about, but I randomly bought you

a latte and the ointment for that of which we do not speak.

No, no, no, no. It's not about any of that.

I've been watching the episode of sing!

That you produced in my absence.

And it's fantastic.

It's one of the best. Ever.

Oh, my God. I can't believe the episode made you cry.

(Chuckles) It did, but that's not why I'm emotional.

You shaved 22% off the show's budget.

Because you cut bottled water, the studio

is honoring me as environmentally conscious

instead of cheap.

You are brilliant,

you are fierce, and you are fine as hell.

And it is a privilege to play any part

in making your dreams come true.

(Chuckles) Are you serious?

Because if you're not, I will snap you in half.

No, no, no. It's not a joke.

I do have one more low-level task for you to perform though.

Okay.

Can you get me that chair over there?

How much did that chair cost?

And what part of the budget

did you take it from? Because this show

is not paying for that damn thing.

Just so you know.

David:Never wonder why we call of mom who works award.

"A working mom" and a dad

who works is just called "a dad"?

Well, for eons, women were

the unsung heroes of raising the kids.

They tended the cave while men were hunting, gathering,

pillaging, and eventually donning sharp suits

to work in ad agencies and host game shows.

But families look different now.

No matter what their gender, all that matters

is being lucky enough thank you.

To have a partner to count on,

an ally who'll always have your back.

Thank you.

Bryan: They are the strengths to your weaknesses,

the Yin to your Yang, the Kathie Lee to your Hoda.

Look at the face more.

Ready? Uh-huh.

Perfect.

So, in a right triangle, the sum of

the square of the legs is equal to?

The square of the hypotenuse?

And in 2005 which movie won the academy award for best picture?

(Sighs) Crash.

I know. I don't get it either.

Here you go. Thanks.

Have a good day!

Bryan: Occasionally, you'll run

into a fellow stay-at-home warrior

who's struggling with the relentless chaos of doing

the hardest job in the world. Aw, come here.

When you see one of these pioneers,

appreciate that they were trailblazers

for the rest of us.

And in the end, if you're feeling overwhelmed,

sometimes you just have to admit

that no one person can do everything.

At least not well.

David: Sure, it'll take us a bit to work out the kinks

of this whole stay-at-home dad thing.

Bryan: And are we gonna make mistakes? Sure.

But at least we'll make them...

Both: Together.

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