Original subtitles

Like any other red-blooded American 12-year-old boy.

There was one magazine I was always obsessed with.

Ladies' Home Journal.

And today, LHJ is interviewing me.

They want to hear my thoughts

about the issues that matter most.

And that's why I like gloves.

(Laughing)

Okay, now let's dig a little deeper into Bryan Collins

and talk about family.

You and your partner

are expecting your first child.

Congratulations.

Have you always wanted a baby? Oh, are you kidding?

My mom said I used to try

to breast-feed my stretch Armstrong doll.

(Laughter)

Recently you said on Twitter

that you believe that men, like women, have a biological clock.

That is true, and the clock can start ticking at any time.

I mean, look at Brad pitt. His biological clock

went off, and a year later, he had half a dozen kids.

(Laughter)

But some men are born without a clock.

Uh, for example,

my ex-boyfriend.

(Grunting)

Is this 70 or 80?

I don't count. I just watch. Hey, why are you

packing clothes? We're not gonna need 'em for mardi gras.

You know what, Monty? No.

What do you mean, "no"?

Just no. I...

I promised myself

I was gonna stay here this weekend

and finish my Smallville spec script,

and if I get on that plane with you,

the whole weekend's just gonna be filled

with booze and debauchery, and I'm gonna end up

black-out drunk trying to flash my boobs to a film crew.

Yeah. That sounds so much better than my lame Smallville script.

Ah, come on, babe.

Write it on the plane.

It's, like, a three-hour flight.

I'm gonna get so drunk on teeny bottles of vodka.

Monty. Monty, Monty, no! Monty!

Monty, don't you have goals?

Yeah. Mardi gras, drunk!

No. Didn't you hear me?

I want to talk about our future. All right.

When you picture us living in a beautiful palapa by the sea...

Yeah, surfing rules, babe.

I know.

Do you imagine us with children?

What do you mean? Like, native children deboning fish for us?

(Laughing): No.

I mean, if you could say the perfect number of kids

for us to have, it would be... Oh.

Wait. Think of the number,

and then we'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.

Three! Zero!

But now my life is completely different.

Now I have a partner who wants a family as badly as I do.

Oh, well, do you and your fianc? plan on having more children?

Absolutely.

When?

Let's get back to gloves.

Uh-huh.

That ladies' home journal woman

would not stop badgering me.

"Are you gonna have more kids? How many?

What's your family gonna look like?"

It was so accepting, it was alienating.

She's right, though.

Family planning has a lot more variables for couples like us.

We have to know how many kids we want,

how far to space them apart,

whose sperm we'll use,

got to lock down an egg donor.

And we have to make it all happen

before we get too old.

Ugh, David, that list was the opposite of sexy.

Straight couples have it so easy.

The only family planning they have to do is a bottle of cab,

a French toast-scented candle

and a Netflix stream of y tu mam? tambi?n.

Okay, well, let's talk about it.

Um, we know we want more than one.

Nothing wrong with an only,

but I'd like to have my option

of having a favorite.

Two is great,

but so many wonderful things come in threes.

Little pigs, Jonas brothers, celebrity deaths.

Maybe we want to field our own basketball team.

That's five, by the way. Really?

Okay, if you had to say the ideal number

of kids for us to have, what would it be?

Just think of the number, and then we'll both

say it at the same time. Okay.

Ready? And go. Three! Three!

Both: I love you so much.

Okay, name the six fiduciary duties

of a California real estate agent.

What are you doing here, goggles?

Mom dropped me off.

She's off to Chinatown to buy some new fabric.

Chinatown? The only thing she's gonna find in Chinatown

are bad drivers and future violinists.

Now, get over here. I haven't had

any Shania hugs lately.

There you go.

Girl, that's a sad face if I've ever seen one.

Did your Nana's racism offend you, too?

No, I don't even hear it anymore.

It's just that

some girls at school were mean to me.

(Giggling)

Do you mind if I sit here?

Aw, sorry,

but we're busy

updating our Facebook homepages.

We're posting an overhead

picture of you taking

a hellacious number two after math.

See the pretty, soft border?

Instagram rocks.

That's not true.

That's not me.

I only poop at home.

Good luck trying to prove that,

Debbie dumper.

You stink.

(Laughter)

Never lay your crossed eyes on us again,

because you'll never be friends with us

or anybody ever.

(Laughter)

Shania, you need to shut those bitches down now,

or your self-esteem is shot for life.

Rocky is 100% right.

What you need is a plan for total and complete dominance.

And this isn't just for now.

You need to learn how to conquer mean girls throughout adulthood

so that you can become

a strong, aspirational woman like me and your Nana.

I don't understand.

Shania, women are always at war in this world,

especially against each other.

Now, your Nana is going to make sure

you have the right uniform...

And weapon... for battle.

So, here's our plan.

We'd love to have three children,

ideally spaced two years apart,

with the second child using his...

My dollop of me. Very polite.

And for our third child,

we would love to mix

our genetic matter,

letting 'em Duke it out.

Yes. Father time is ticking away,

and we don't want to be those sad old dads

in the high-waisted slacks

hobbling to kindergarten graduation.

Like Al Pacino.

Hoo-ha!

(Laughs)

(Crying)

Gary, what's wrong?

I'm going to die alone.

Well, that was a sudden turn.

That's what it means to be bipolar!

I'm sorry. It's just all this talk of dollops and Al Pacino.

I want what you guys have.

I want love and a family and sweet-ass cars,

and sassy African-American assistants.

I have dedicated my life to putting together

families because I've always wanted one.

But it's never going to happen.

I'm too old to meet anyone.

(Blows nose) I've been on E-Harmony

and J-Date, but for some reason,

I just get paired with losers.

And then, at age six, I learned I'm intersex.

All I want is a family.

I'm running out of time here.

What if we fixed Gary up with your ex, Monty?

Oh.

No? I mean, when we bumped into him a few months ago,

it seemed like he was ready to settle down.

Bryan. David.

Monty.

Yeah. Great to see you.

Guess some things never change.

Still rocking the roller skates, I see.

Blades. Blades. Isn't this place amazing?

I mean, look at this. It's cantaloupe in its original form.

I thought it only came in little chunks on the end of toothpicks.

It's wild, right? Wild.

Surprised to see you here.

I thought you usually have

a team of boy toys do your shopping for you.

No, no. I've whittled it down to just two.

I want to set a good example for my kid.

Wait. You have a kid? Not yet, but I want to.

I know, I know. I used to be the king of,

"gay means never having to say I'm pregnant."

But then, I just realized, it's time for me to grow up.

I want my own family.

Now I just need to find the right man. You know anyone?

If the guy's got a pulse, I'm in.

Hell, if he doesn't, it wouldn't be the first time.

You have been studying hard lately Jane,

you deserve a reward.

Google "Jon Hamm plus Moose Knuckle,"

and thank me later. (Sighs quietly)

Well, that doesn't look like the twisted grin

of a girl who just squashed her first enemies.

The suit didn't work.

I demand to sit with you!

There is no reason why I should be excluded,

and I will not be disrespected any longer.

As you can see by my outfit, I mean business.

(Giggling)

Oh, my God.

It's Lindsay Lohan

when she has to show up for court.

My mom used to dress like that

before she read 50 shades of grey.

(Laughter)

I'm shocked. Really, the Nancy Reagan

red always works for me.

Of course it didn't work.

It's not about the suit.

Shania, girls like that don't respond to reason.

They respond to reading.

Now, if you want the power,

you got to go in there

and read those girls and take it!

Read, like, books?

Mm-hmm. Hell, no.

Reading is a time-honored manner

of cutting someone down with your words.

Oh, like the drags taught us in west Hollywood.

Correct.

Reading is an oral tradition

passed down through generations of queens.

It's all about obtaining power through insult

by focusing in on someone's flaws and putting them on blast.

Speaking of flaws, I noticed your crow's feet are showing.

Did the 99-cent store run out of your wrinkle cream again?

Or did your eyes request a road map to your receding wig line?

My eyes are fine. For example,

they can see that you've been packing on the pounds.

That cushion-for-the-pushin' is so big, it's part

of a 12-piece sectional!

Reading.

A necessity of life.

Give half-pint some more pointers, ladies.

You so big and fat,

you need to use the eiffel tower like a toothpick.

Girl, you're so haggard and old,

your first pet was a T. Rex.

Okay, so all I have to do to dominate

and win the respect of my peers is snap my fingers like this?

Yes, honey, and head like a propeller.

Head. Now put it all together.

Put your back into it!

Read! Back in... back into it! Yeah!

And by the end of the summer, thanks to me,

the Greek island of Naxos had house music.

Uh, but Monty, that's not really how you live anymore, right?

I mean, you were telling me how you're very serious

about settling down? Yeah, I am done with

that whole lifestyle. I mean, it gets tired,

jetting off to Prague every weekend with Frank ocean.

Love him. Love "Caribbean queen."

That kind of stuff used to be the big perk of being gay.

You could just keep the party going your whole life.

Now, thank God, some of us are growing up and giving back.

I'm ready to start planning a family.

I mean, I tell people that I'm 30.

Well, we couldn't recommend it enough.

Bryan and I have decided

that we're going to have two more kids after our baby comes.

Oh. See, a beautiful family.

That's what I want right there. Boom.

Boom! Just got to find the right guy.

David: Mmm. Who's got two thumbs

and no gag reflex? This guy.

Hi. Sorry. I just got to get some more paper towels.

Oh, it's okay. Uh, this is Goldie.

She's our surrogate and our very close friend.

I'm dying fabric in the guest house,

and it's a little messy.

Totally unrelated, Bryan... that lambskin throw?

That's scotchgarded, right?

May I touch your belly?

Do you mind?

Oh, uh... sure.

I have never touched a pregnant belly before.

Hmm. It's so hard.

Mmm. And there's a baby growing inside.

Right there in your belly.

I got a belly, too, and you can touch it,

but I warn you... I'm very ticklish... and shaved.

(Goldie laughs)

I'm sure people tell you this all the time, but

you are very good-looking, and yes,

I know that you're gay. My point is...

This is a very confusing moment for me.

Man, being so close to human life

like this... everything else

seems... pointless.

I had that exact thought when I had my daughter.

You have a daughter?

Goldie: Mm-hmm. Shania. She's nine.

Monty: I love the name Shania. I saw Shania twain

twice when I was living in London. Oh, I love england.

(Bad British accent): Hello, governor.

Blimey. Would you like a cup of tea?

That's so good.

Hey, do you mind if I come back

and watch you do your thing?

Maybe you can give me a crash course in surrogacy.

Come on!

I used to collect Franklin mint plates

of prince Charles and lady di.

Oh, God, why did I say that?

I'm so stupid.

I'm... I'm sure Monty will be back any minute.

It's been over an hour. What are they doing in there?

Oh, my God, Goldie.

These are amazing.

I mean, they're so drew Barrymore...

Pre-Jewish art dealer and post-strokes drummer.

Oh, you could totally write for Wikipedia.

Really? Yeah.

Bryan, David, thank you guys so much

for inviting me over.

If you hadn't, I never would have met Goldie,

and I never would have figured out my plan. Uh, what plan is that?

Well, just because I haven't met the right guy yet

shouldn't stop me from my dreams.

I've decided, I'm gonna pull a Sandra bullock

and move ahead without a partner.

I'm gonna have a baby by myself.

He'd rather have no one than me.

To family planning. All you need to do now is

find yourself an egg donor and a surrogate.

Well, I can already cross one of those things off the list.

I asked Goldie to be my surrogate.

I can't believe your ex-boyfriend has the nerve

to try to steal our surrogate.

And it's so like Monty, too... we invite him

into our home, try to fix him up,

but no matter what he gets in life, he always wants more.

Well, Goldie is our surrogate.

I say we go over there, we knock down his door

and we tell him to back off.

Knock down his door?

Yeah. Well, knock down, knock on.

Even if there's a doorbell, I say we push it hard.

Well, this is gonna be a first for Monty.

I don't think anyone's ever said no to him.

(Chuckling): Certainly not me.

I mean, I don't remember anybody before you.

Woman (On video): I'm selling my eggs,

'cause I believe everybody...

married, single, straight or gay...

who wants a baby deserves the chance to have one.

Plus, Taylor Swift is coming to town,

and ticket prices are insane!

So please buy my eggs, or I'll die! Die.

David: Hello. Where is he? Monty!

Where are you? Oh, hey, guys.

I was just looking at potential egg donors.

There are a lot of whack jobs out there.

Hey, what donor number did you guys use?

No. No way. That is exactly why we need to talk to you.

Right after you put your shirt on.

David, there's no time. We're here to yell at you.

Yell at me? Mm-hmm.

For what? You think you can just blade into our lives

with your ridiculously toned abs

that would make Mario Lopez feel premenstrual,

and just buy whatever you want?

You can't buy everything.

Goldie is not for sale.

Of course she is. How'd you guys meet her in the first place?

Maybe she doesn't have a "for lease" sign nailed to her vagina,

'cause that would hurt an awful lot, but that's what she is:

A blonde Incubator who's cool and fun to be around.

And what's the price on that? 'Cause I'll pay triple.

Hey! Back off!

Whoa. Goldie is our friend. She's practically our family.

She's gonna have our other kids, too.

Really? Yeah.

'Cause I don't think she knows that.

And you guys blame me for trying to buy her,

but at least I had the respect to ask what her plans are

for her future... and I barely know her.

What's your excuse?

(Girls giggling)

Oh, no, no, no.

Did the janitor get arrested for selling meth again?

'Cause there is trash all over the schoolyard.

Who are you calling trash, you four-eyed hobbit?

Girl, you're the one showing off those fugly feet

in your rite-aid flip-flops,

with your weird pinky toes that point at 90-degree angles.

It looks like your feet are trying to hitch a ride.

And, Jenna, you need to shave that big head, girl,

'cause either you got the lice or the dandruff,

or a waiter shaved fresh parmesan on your shoulders.

Don't you walk away, Bianca.

You walk like the march

of the dang penguins.

Every time you go to the water fountain,

Morgan Freeman starts narrating. (Snaps fingers)

Shut up! Stop being so mean to us.

Fine. As long as you recognize that I am the queen bee.

From now on, I make the plans, and you follow them.

First up: You will delete that picture from your Facebook

and issue an apology.

And, oh, yes, there's more.

I will reveal the rest

of my plan after school at my house.

If you're not there...

Mmm. Thanks for the lunch, guys.

This baby of yours is always hungry.

Oh, did you try the Ikea meatballs?

We know they're your favorite.

Ooh, and the hot dogs you love from costco.

Oh, this is all really sweet, but are you only doing this

'cause Monty asked me to be his surrogate?

Monty who now did what now? Bryan, stop.

Yes, we heard what he did.

Well, I said no.

Oh, thank God. Because, honestly,

we were kind of hoping

that you would be the surrogate for our next baby.

We were thinking a year and a half

down the road after this one's born.

Because then we'll be looking at preschools.

Yeah, and then after he's enrolled, a year after that,

then maybe we could start talking about our third.

Which will be perfect, 'cause then we have our 40th birthdays

in Napa, which we should start planning, by the way.

True. All the kids will be out of diapers.

Whoa-whoa, wait-wait-wait, guys.

What about me in all this?

I'm not just a baby maker.

I have a plan, too.

And it doesn't involve being pregnant all the time.

I want to start making my own children's clothes.

I want to set up a booth at the farmers' market

and... see what happens.

Wait, that's a plan?

That's... fantastic, Goldie; We had no idea.

Look, I love you guys... you know that.

I never would have gotten to this point without you.

And as much as I would love to be

knocked up with your next one,

I can't commit right now.

I need to stick to my plan.

Yes, you do.

Are you okay with that?

Yes, Goldie, we only want you to be successful, and happy.

David: And now that you're starting a new business,

then you're gonna need all of the energy

and focus that you could get.

So eat up, lady.

You have got some sewing to do! Okay.

(Laughs)

Mmm... Mmm...

I love you, guys.

Not as much as this

deep-fried calamari, but pretty darn close.

First of all, I'm not gonna thank you all for coming today,

because a queen bee never thanks her subjects.

That's cool. We're just happy... Silence!

(Snaps fingers) Queen bee speaking.

From this moment on, the queen bee declares

that no one shall ever be a queen bee again.

Bianca: What do you mean?

Who's gonna be our, like, leader?

We all will.

We're gonna stop pointing out each other's flaws

and start supporting each other as people,

and especially as women.

Read these books by my feminist heroes,

Germaine Greer and Dolly Parton.

They'll teach you how to love and embrace all womanhood.

And tonight, we shall burn all our Barbie dolls

in united unrealistic body expectation solidarity,

then dance, intoxicated by the plastic fumes.

Shania... you're weird.

And I love it, sister.

We were wrong to accuse Monty of stealing Goldie.

It'll make us feel better to apologize.

Fine. But you have to say

(rings doorbell) The actual "I'm sorry" part.

I'll just nod earnestly.

You look like Katherine hepburn.

Hello, boys.

Gary, why are you...

Monty, we've got company!

Phone call would've been nice. But come on in.

What are you doing here?

The real question is: What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, guys. What a nice surprise.

Thanks for getting the door. Oh.

Honey, breath. Oh, sorry.

Remember what I told you.

Here you go. "Please" and "thank you."

What in the hell is happening here?

Oh, you know, life has a funny way of working out.

A few days ago, I was doing

Tai chi on the beach, and I look over

and there is Gary, filming me.

Gary: I was stalking you.

No, you weren't. Yes, I was!

I was dressed up like a ups man. My little stalker!

Had a little camera in my box.

Anyway, we ended up spending the day together,

and it turns out Gary is a whiz at organization.

He completely de-cluttered my life.

He even cleaned up my DVR queue.

I mean, who am I kidding?

I'm never gonna watch breaking amish.

What can I say?

I'm a bossy, bossy bottom.

And that's what I needed.

Someone to tame this wild stallion.

That's right.

So far, we have a surprising amount in common.

We both love to whistle.

And we both really want a family. Speaking of...

Oh, here she is! The prettiest lady in the world!

There you are. Guys, this is Nicole.

Hey, honey, go get your tennis racket.

Your lesson starts in half an hour, pretty lady.

You already have a kid? No, it's Gary's niece.

Garrett is so good with kids.

Why didn't you guys tell me?

We wanted to make sure that we

ready we wanted to make for parenthood

before we took the old plungeroo,

so we're practicing with my sister's oldest.

And she is thrilled with the attention.

She eats paste and boogers

and doesn't have a lick of friends,

and next year she gets her third whack at fourth grade,

but you know what, we love her to death.

But we need to thank you guys,

not just for introducing us, but for showing us

what a loving family looks like.

It's what we aspire to.

And we got to get going, pumpkin. Okay.

I've got all of your things right inside of the bag.

And don't forget your sunblock this time.

Oh, my prince on the streets and freak in the sheets.

(Chuckles) Love him.

Thank you very much.

These buttons are so cute.

I can't believe you made all these.

Do you like them? I love them.

I'm a little ambivalent

about other kids having access to my wicked style.

But I'll be okay,

at least until these babies catch on.

I'm really proud of you, mom.

Thanks, monkey. You know,

for the first time ever,

it feels like I'm finally doing something

that I love... you know,

something... for me.

For us. Awesome girl apparel?

Uh-huh. Just something I was thinking about calling my stuff.

I wanted a name

that honored my inspiration.

You. You're my awesome girl.

(Patting bed)

I saw you with those mean girls,

how you showed them it's okay to embrace who they are

and respect everyone's differences.

If I had a Shania at my school when I was your age,

maybe I wouldn't have been so hung up

on my acne or my wonky eye.

Where is she looking? Over there or over there?

Come on, mom, if you'd had a good self-image in high school,

you wouldn't have gotten pregnant when you were 15.

But then, you wouldn't be here to make that point, so...

(Laughing)

Goldie: You got it? Whoa, oh, my gosh.

Bryan: Someone once said... and I'm going to say that it was me...

"if you want God to laugh, make a plan."

Well, Goldie had a plan to be a lawyer,

but it kind of didn't go like that.

Shania!

Shania had a plan to be well-liked

by her peers, and she got that...

but not the way she planned.

(Indistinct shouts)

And David and I, well, we always planned

on having a big family. Looking good!

We just never planned on it looking anything like this one.

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