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1
00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:06,010
Hey, Dad, you were in
charge of putting away
2
00:00:06,012 --> 00:00:07,712
the Christmas lights last year, right?
3
00:00:09,915 --> 00:00:12,584
Don't worry. I put a chocolate
in the middle to motivate you.
4
00:00:12,586 --> 00:00:14,318
Dark or milk?
5
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,420
Doesn't matter. I'm gonna get it.
6
00:00:16,422 --> 00:00:18,055
Relax, everybody.
7
00:00:18,057 --> 00:00:20,358
I found it.
8
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,860
My star for the top of the tree.
9
00:00:22,862 --> 00:00:24,895
Oh, thank goodness.
10
00:00:24,897 --> 00:00:27,999
It just wouldn't be Christmas
without you shining down on us.
11
00:00:28,001 --> 00:00:29,467
Where was it?
12
00:00:29,469 --> 00:00:30,601
You know, Mom, great question.
13
00:00:30,603 --> 00:00:31,835
It was weird.
14
00:00:31,837 --> 00:00:34,271
It wasn't with the rest
of the Christmas stuff.
15
00:00:34,273 --> 00:00:36,407
- Oh, gosh, that is weird.
- Yeah.
16
00:00:36,409 --> 00:00:38,242
Luckily, I saw that some dust
had been disturbed
17
00:00:38,244 --> 00:00:39,543
behind the water heater.
18
00:00:39,545 --> 00:00:40,811
And when I shimmied up the crawlspace,
19
00:00:40,813 --> 00:00:42,579
I found it in a box marked
"Dangerous chemicals,
20
00:00:42,581 --> 00:00:44,882
may cause wrinkles."
21
00:00:44,884 --> 00:00:48,118
(laughs) So weird.
22
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,587
Wow, this is amazing!
23
00:00:50,589 --> 00:00:52,589
I did not know they had color photography
24
00:00:52,591 --> 00:00:54,090
back when you were a kid.
25
00:00:54,092 --> 00:00:56,726
Don't you have your own family
you could be annoying?
26
00:00:56,728 --> 00:00:58,161
Don't you have some noise hair
that needs trimming?
27
00:00:58,163 --> 00:00:59,529
Rhetorical question.
I can see it from here.
28
00:00:59,531 --> 00:01:00,696
It looks like speaker wire.
29
00:01:00,698 --> 00:01:02,499
And FYI--
30
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,034
my family takes a cruise every Christmas
31
00:01:04,036 --> 00:01:05,701
and I can't go on account
32
00:01:05,703 --> 00:01:08,638
of my clinically diagnosed seasickness.
33
00:01:10,741 --> 00:01:13,843
Well, I'm sorry, Kip. I didn't know.
34
00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:17,013
I'm taking everyone on a cruise.
35
00:01:17,015 --> 00:01:19,114
Boys, boys, stop it!
36
00:01:19,116 --> 00:01:20,783
If I wanted to see two grown men fight,
37
00:01:20,785 --> 00:01:24,020
I'd wear my red dress and go to a bar.
38
00:01:24,022 --> 00:01:26,522
You've been at each other's
throats since the day you met.
39
00:01:26,524 --> 00:01:28,957
So this year, the only gift
I want for Christmas
40
00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:31,460
is for the two of you to stop
fighting until New Year's.
41
00:01:31,462 --> 00:01:32,661
Can you do that for me?
42
00:01:32,663 --> 00:01:34,263
- Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Carol.
43
00:01:34,265 --> 00:01:35,864
Thank you.
44
00:01:35,866 --> 00:01:38,733
And in case you misunderstood,
I still want real gifts.
45
00:01:38,735 --> 00:01:40,635
There's a Lane Bryant catalog
46
00:01:40,637 --> 00:01:42,804
underneath both your pillows.
47
00:01:42,806 --> 00:01:45,807
(laughs) I told you I'd get it.
48
00:01:46,909 --> 00:01:48,677
(electrical humming)
49
00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:52,914
Does this mean when Christmas is over
50
00:01:52,916 --> 00:01:55,717
we can just leave him at
the end of the driveway?
51
00:01:58,407 --> 00:02:01,413
The Millers - 02x10
Highway to the Manger Zone
52
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,770
- sync and correction by solfieri -
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:22,981 --> 00:02:25,549
Damn. That's not it either.
54
00:02:25,551 --> 00:02:26,717
What are you doing over there, Dad?
55
00:02:26,719 --> 00:02:27,718
Trying to remember
56
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,419
my e-mail password.
57
00:02:29,421 --> 00:02:31,255
I forgot I even had this account
58
00:02:31,257 --> 00:02:34,558
till the guy at the grocery
store called me a yahoo.
59
00:02:37,095 --> 00:02:39,329
Oh, good, you're all still here.
60
00:02:39,331 --> 00:02:41,331
As you know, it's
our family's turn this year
61
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:43,767
to put on the living Nativity at church.
62
00:02:43,769 --> 00:02:45,101
Last year, the Muellers raised
63
00:02:45,103 --> 00:02:46,303
over a thousand dollars for charity.
64
00:02:46,305 --> 00:02:48,372
And in the true sprit of Christmas,
65
00:02:48,374 --> 00:02:50,440
I want the Millers to destroy them.
66
00:02:50,442 --> 00:02:52,709
Listen up for your parts.
67
00:02:52,711 --> 00:02:53,910
Debbie, shepherd one.
68
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,145
Adam, shepherd two.
69
00:02:55,147 --> 00:02:56,513
Ha-ha, I'm your boss.
70
00:02:56,515 --> 00:02:58,214
Mikayla, you'll be a sheep.
71
00:02:58,216 --> 00:02:59,682
Ha-ha, I'm your boss.
72
00:02:59,684 --> 00:03:02,685
And I will continue to play
the role of the Virgin Mary.
73
00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:04,620
But now that Tom and I are divorced,
74
00:03:04,622 --> 00:03:05,789
I no longer have to suffer
75
00:03:05,791 --> 00:03:07,423
through his silent, but deadly nights
76
00:03:07,425 --> 00:03:11,327
and will have a new man
by my side in the Nativity.
77
00:03:11,329 --> 00:03:14,897
This year's Joseph will be played by...
78
00:03:14,899 --> 00:03:17,099
Nathan!
79
00:03:19,102 --> 00:03:21,270
Oh, uh, wonderful choice, wonderful.
80
00:03:21,272 --> 00:03:23,872
That is why I'm standing. No other reason.
81
00:03:23,874 --> 00:03:24,940
Kip, Kip.
82
00:03:24,942 --> 00:03:27,242
You and Tom will be the wise men.
83
00:03:27,244 --> 00:03:28,511
Meeting adjourned.
84
00:03:28,513 --> 00:03:30,446
Wait, wait... uh, Mom?
85
00:03:30,448 --> 00:03:32,447
Do I have to be at the Nativity
every night this week?
86
00:03:32,449 --> 00:03:34,316
I mean, Ray and I got invited
87
00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:36,785
to an ugly Christmas sweater
party by this girl Nikki.
88
00:03:36,787 --> 00:03:38,687
Spelled with two K's and an I.
89
00:03:38,689 --> 00:03:41,423
Yes, she's that kind of girl.
90
00:03:41,425 --> 00:03:42,860
No, you don't have to be there.
91
00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:44,627
I'll just tell them Mary got a divorce
92
00:03:44,629 --> 00:03:47,896
and Joseph's seeing other virgins.
93
00:03:47,898 --> 00:03:49,697
Fine, I'll be there.
94
00:03:49,699 --> 00:03:52,734
I know the password was
something I used to hear
95
00:03:52,736 --> 00:03:54,102
all the time!
96
00:03:54,104 --> 00:03:55,303
I've tried my pet's name,
97
00:03:55,305 --> 00:03:57,072
all the kids' names,
the street we lived on.
98
00:03:57,074 --> 00:03:58,706
Oh, shut up, Tom.
99
00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:00,342
"Shut up, Tom."
100
00:04:00,344 --> 00:04:01,676
That's it!
101
00:04:03,079 --> 00:04:08,416
16,352 new messages.
102
00:04:08,418 --> 00:04:10,418
Holy Christmas.
103
00:04:10,420 --> 00:04:13,254
I've got mail.
104
00:04:15,123 --> 00:04:16,891
Did you hear how off-key
105
00:04:16,893 --> 00:04:19,251
Mrs. Mueller was on that last song?
106
00:04:19,387 --> 00:04:21,628
More like "Bark the Herald Angels Sing."
107
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:23,697
Heard you the first
three times you said it.
108
00:04:23,699 --> 00:04:25,666
Well, how about a little courtesy chuckle.
109
00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:27,401
Not every joke is a home run.
110
00:04:27,403 --> 00:04:29,203
Oh, Reverend Fitzgerald, hi!
111
00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:31,973
You remember my son, Nathan.
112
00:04:31,975 --> 00:04:34,541
The most profitable
baby Jesus in church history.
113
00:04:34,543 --> 00:04:36,444
Oh, yes.
114
00:04:36,446 --> 00:04:37,878
How could I forget
115
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,547
when you so generously donated a plaque
116
00:04:40,549 --> 00:04:42,048
commemorating the event.
117
00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:46,720
We are just so thrilled
to be doing the Nativity
118
00:04:46,722 --> 00:04:48,822
- again this year...
- WOMAN:
Hark! the herald
119
00:04:48,824 --> 00:04:50,256
Angels sing
120
00:04:50,258 --> 00:04:53,559
Glory to the newborn king
121
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:56,796
Who is my grandson.
122
00:04:56,798 --> 00:04:59,366
He's such a beautiful boy.
123
00:04:59,368 --> 00:05:02,268
Oh, look at that.
124
00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:06,039
He's got your eyebrow.
125
00:05:06,041 --> 00:05:08,041
Well, Mom, careful.
126
00:05:08,043 --> 00:05:09,009
It's like a school zone.
127
00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:11,210
Sins are doubled in church.
128
00:05:11,212 --> 00:05:13,813
Well, it's just a shame
that it's the Millers' year
129
00:05:13,815 --> 00:05:15,347
to do the Nativity when we all know
130
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,450
that nothing brings in the real cash like
131
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,910
a real baby.
132
00:05:20,005 --> 00:05:23,923
It's true. Real babies do
tend to raise more money.
133
00:05:23,925 --> 00:05:25,291
I'm sure I could dig up a baby.
134
00:05:25,293 --> 00:05:26,725
I mean, not "dig up," but, you know,
135
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,693
get one from somewhere fast.
136
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,262
Is she talking about kidnapping?
137
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,164
No. Is she?
138
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,166
No. Are you?
139
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,968
No.
140
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:38,070
Ah. Well...
141
00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:39,738
maybe it would be best if we let
142
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,173
the Muellers do the Nativity this year.
143
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,107
(stammering) But we're the ones...
144
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:45,176
Ooh, that's probably best.
145
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,079
My little one is too cute
146
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:51,382
not to be adored this season.
147
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,217
Well, he is cute.
148
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:55,420
He's got a little Tom Selleck in him.
149
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,057
Especially that mustache
stretched across his forehead.
150
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:08,732
Dad, are you still going
through those old e-mails?
151
00:06:08,734 --> 00:06:10,201
I'm not even halfway through.
152
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,469
You would not believe how many people
153
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,205
think I have erectile dysfunction.
154
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,574
Well, they're not too discriminating.
155
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:19,042
I get those e-mails, too.
156
00:06:20,512 --> 00:06:22,446
I can't believe Lucille Mueller trumped us
157
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,214
by having a grandbaby.
158
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,016
Or should I say "grand man"?
159
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:27,451
That thing looks like it's about
160
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,920
to go out and fight Popeye.
161
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,122
It does look like a caterpillar crawled
162
00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:35,959
across his face and just
gave up halfway through.
163
00:06:35,961 --> 00:06:37,961
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. But on the bright side,
164
00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:39,463
maybe there will be a baby next year,
165
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,465
because Adam and I have
been doing it a lot.
166
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,765
Like, pretty much every day.
167
00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:44,468
We're really in a zone right now.
168
00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:48,205
How do you unsay things?
169
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:50,840
We can't give up.
170
00:06:50,842 --> 00:06:52,909
If we give up on the Nativity,
171
00:06:52,911 --> 00:06:55,077
we might as well give up on Christmas.
172
00:06:55,079 --> 00:06:56,579
And we can't do that because I got us
173
00:06:56,581 --> 00:07:00,182
Oprah's favorite frozen
croissants for Christmas morn.
174
00:07:00,184 --> 00:07:02,251
Spoiler alert--
you get a croissant!
175
00:07:02,253 --> 00:07:03,920
And I get a croissant!
176
00:07:03,922 --> 00:07:07,189
And that's it because
they're too expensive.
177
00:07:07,191 --> 00:07:09,591
Oh, it's pointless, Kip.
178
00:07:09,593 --> 00:07:12,661
Reverend Fitzgerald already gave
the Nativity to the Muellers.
179
00:07:12,663 --> 00:07:15,164
Well, then we take
a baseball bat to their knees.
180
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,535
No? All right, I'm just taking
the temperature of the room.
181
00:07:19,537 --> 00:07:21,737
A second option is
182
00:07:21,739 --> 00:07:23,271
we set up our own rival Nativity scene
183
00:07:23,273 --> 00:07:25,473
in that empty lot next to the church.
184
00:07:25,475 --> 00:07:27,576
Ooh, going rogue.
185
00:07:27,578 --> 00:07:29,011
Like this spunky Sarah Palin
186
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,747
I just donated campaign money to.
187
00:07:31,749 --> 00:07:33,782
Come on, one trip to the hardware store,
188
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:35,751
and bam-- there's your manger.
189
00:07:35,753 --> 00:07:37,285
And Nativity costumes are easy.
190
00:07:37,287 --> 00:07:40,588
You already have a closet
full of stolen hotel bathrobes.
191
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,557
That's all they wore in Bible days.
192
00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:45,260
Jerusalem looked like one big day spa.
193
00:07:45,262 --> 00:07:47,962
Well, thank you, Kip.
194
00:07:47,964 --> 00:07:49,897
Even though it's not wrapped,
I'm guessing your gift
195
00:07:49,899 --> 00:07:53,268
to our family this year is
the worst idea I've ever heard.
196
00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:56,303
Huh, it's almost like someone thinks
197
00:07:56,305 --> 00:08:00,007
his mother's happiness
isn't worth fighting for.
198
00:08:00,009 --> 00:08:02,309
Huh, it's almost
like someone thinks he's part
199
00:08:02,311 --> 00:08:05,345
of this family and has a say in what we do.
200
00:08:05,347 --> 00:08:07,682
Huh!
201
00:08:07,684 --> 00:08:08,749
It's almost like someone's pretending
202
00:08:08,751 --> 00:08:10,517
he doesn't have veneers.
203
00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:13,220
- Huh!
- Enough!
204
00:08:13,222 --> 00:08:15,378
You guys promised me you'd stop fighting.
205
00:08:15,424 --> 00:08:18,425
Mom, I'm fine being in
a sanctioned manger by a church,
206
00:08:18,427 --> 00:08:21,195
but I refuse to be some
basically homeless Joseph
207
00:08:21,197 --> 00:08:24,064
wandering around looking
for someplace to stay.
208
00:08:24,066 --> 00:08:27,134
Although, yes, I admit that does
sound like the actual Joseph.
209
00:08:27,136 --> 00:08:29,168
But... the point is I'm not doing it.
210
00:08:29,170 --> 00:08:31,304
Because, I'm sorry, Kip, it's a dumb idea.
211
00:08:31,306 --> 00:08:32,906
So, you're just gonna have to find
212
00:08:32,908 --> 00:08:34,274
someone else to play Joseph.
213
00:08:36,811 --> 00:08:40,280
Well, I might know someone
who would qualify for the job.
214
00:08:40,282 --> 00:08:43,483
You're right.
215
00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:46,419
Kip!
216
00:08:46,421 --> 00:08:47,720
Who's Kip?
217
00:08:47,722 --> 00:08:50,423
I only answer to Joseph!
218
00:08:50,425 --> 00:08:51,690
Ah-ha! This is so exciting.
219
00:08:51,692 --> 00:08:54,060
Ooh! We're gonna make the best manger ever.
220
00:08:54,062 --> 00:08:55,795
Okay, I'm gonna go home and shower
221
00:08:55,797 --> 00:08:57,030
before I hit The Home Depot.
222
00:08:57,032 --> 00:08:58,531
There's so many hot guys
there on the weekends,
223
00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:00,333
they should call that place The Homo Depot.
224
00:09:00,335 --> 00:09:02,768
And before you laugh,
just know I'm the only one
225
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:05,304
who can make and laugh at that joke.
226
00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,775
Thank you for understanding.
227
00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:15,881
(groans)
228
00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:17,182
Ow.
229
00:09:17,184 --> 00:09:20,785
God, my legs are cramping up.
230
00:09:20,787 --> 00:09:22,054
Told you not to choose
231
00:09:22,056 --> 00:09:25,157
such a difficult pose.
232
00:09:25,159 --> 00:09:27,659
Hey, just on our way to Nikki's party.
233
00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:31,029
Thought you guys might want
some spiked eggnog, but...
234
00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,464
Ray drank it all.
235
00:09:32,466 --> 00:09:33,965
That was spiked?
236
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:37,001
I just thought eggnog made
everyone look prettier.
237
00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:38,670
(smacking) What's up, Debbie?
238
00:09:39,939 --> 00:09:41,940
Yeah, we, uh, we would've been here sooner,
239
00:09:41,942 --> 00:09:43,307
but, uh, we got caught in the crowd
240
00:09:43,309 --> 00:09:44,776
at that Nativity down the street.
241
00:09:44,778 --> 00:09:47,411
A scalper tried to sell me seats so close
242
00:09:47,413 --> 00:09:49,413
I could pet a donkey.
243
00:09:49,415 --> 00:09:51,248
But contrary to popular belief,
244
00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,317
I am not an ass man.
245
00:09:53,319 --> 00:09:55,353
(laughing)
246
00:09:57,456 --> 00:10:00,624
(whoops)
247
00:10:00,626 --> 00:10:03,194
Well, we don't need eggnog
248
00:10:03,196 --> 00:10:05,029
because there was no eggnog
249
00:10:05,031 --> 00:10:07,764
back in biblical times,
and we're being authentic.
250
00:10:07,766 --> 00:10:11,535
Please, you guys look like
you just escaped a motel fire.
251
00:10:11,537 --> 00:10:13,670
Plus, come on, you've made no money.
252
00:10:13,672 --> 00:10:15,405
Look, Mom, maybe it's time to admit
253
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,841
that not every idea
Kip has is brilliant, okay?
254
00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,143
And until then, tell Dad
to close his robe a little.
255
00:10:20,145 --> 00:10:22,646
Not everyone wants to see his yule log.
256
00:10:24,982 --> 00:10:26,582
Maybe Nathan's right.
257
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,119
We can't compete with
the Muellers' Nativity.
258
00:10:29,121 --> 00:10:30,920
Let's just pack it up.
259
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:34,357
Wha...? So you're just gonna give up?
260
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:36,292
It's Christmas!
261
00:10:36,294 --> 00:10:39,095
Did little Kevin give into
the burglars in Home Alone?
262
00:10:40,130 --> 00:10:42,164
Did sweet Ralphie give up on his dream
263
00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:44,901
of a BB gun in A Christmas Story.
264
00:10:45,802 --> 00:10:47,469
Did Detective Irwin walk away
265
00:10:47,471 --> 00:10:49,805
from his infected,
but quite an attractive wife
266
00:10:49,807 --> 00:10:52,074
in Silent Night, Zombie Night?
267
00:10:52,076 --> 00:10:54,076
All right.
268
00:10:54,078 --> 00:10:55,545
Apparently I am the only one
who saw that movie.
269
00:10:55,547 --> 00:10:56,912
But I am not leaving!
270
00:10:56,914 --> 00:10:58,747
Yeah, but the Muellers
have all the costumes
271
00:10:58,749 --> 00:11:00,249
and a real baby and props.
272
00:11:00,251 --> 00:11:02,051
We don't have anything.
273
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,319
You know what, Debbie?
274
00:11:04,321 --> 00:11:05,654
You know what we do have?
275
00:11:05,656 --> 00:11:06,888
A little something called razz.
276
00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:08,524
Okay?
277
00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:09,724
You know what else we got?
278
00:11:09,726 --> 00:11:11,393
Matazz.
279
00:11:11,395 --> 00:11:12,594
And you know what you get
280
00:11:12,596 --> 00:11:14,395
when you put those two things together?
281
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:17,365
Matazz-arazz?
282
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:19,400
Razzamatazz!
283
00:11:19,402 --> 00:11:20,702
Come on, you guys.
284
00:11:20,704 --> 00:11:22,037
I promise you,
285
00:11:22,039 --> 00:11:24,739
I will lead us in a performance
that will get us a crowd.
286
00:11:24,741 --> 00:11:25,874
Are you with me?!
287
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:28,242
Yes!
288
00:11:28,244 --> 00:11:29,710
Sorry, were you saying something?
289
00:11:29,712 --> 00:11:32,980
I just found out I stand to
inherit a crap load of money
290
00:11:32,982 --> 00:11:35,383
from a very powerful Nigerian.
291
00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:44,192
Okay, guys, let's run the ending
one last time, okay?
292
00:11:44,194 --> 00:11:46,226
Here we go. Five, six, seven and...
293
00:11:46,228 --> 00:11:50,197
Sleep in heavenly peace...
294
00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:52,700
Okay, okay, yeah,
somebody's off, and it's not me.
295
00:11:52,702 --> 00:11:54,034
(laughs)
296
00:11:54,036 --> 00:11:56,369
Have you seen this Elf Yourself thing?
297
00:11:56,371 --> 00:11:57,938
Someone just e-mailed it to me
298
00:11:57,940 --> 00:12:00,207
six years ago.
299
00:12:08,916 --> 00:12:11,184
That's all my old friends
from college dancing.
300
00:12:11,186 --> 00:12:12,719
They can't dance!
301
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:14,020
They're all dead now.
302
00:12:14,022 --> 00:12:15,489
(chuckles)
303
00:12:15,491 --> 00:12:18,358
(clears throat) How it be, my ladies?
304
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,426
Oh, look at the two of you.
305
00:12:20,428 --> 00:12:21,661
Ray and I are going
306
00:12:21,663 --> 00:12:23,395
to a Christmas Pimps and Ho-Ho-Hos party.
307
00:12:23,397 --> 00:12:26,666
Just stopped by to get some
of Dad's cheap cologne.
308
00:12:26,668 --> 00:12:29,235
You're in luck. I just refilled
my jug at the kiosk.
309
00:12:29,237 --> 00:12:31,370
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
310
00:12:31,372 --> 00:12:32,872
Dress like a pimp,
311
00:12:32,874 --> 00:12:34,573
walk like a pimp.
312
00:12:34,575 --> 00:12:36,175
There you go.
313
00:12:36,177 --> 00:12:39,111
Walk like your knees are on backwards.
314
00:12:40,813 --> 00:12:42,214
Mom?
315
00:12:42,216 --> 00:12:44,416
Mom?
316
00:12:46,653 --> 00:12:49,721
Did you buy and decorate a tree without me?
317
00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:52,824
Sorry, you were at your party,
and I didn't think you'd care.
318
00:12:52,826 --> 00:12:54,425
I was feeling a little down,
319
00:12:54,427 --> 00:12:56,427
and when we drove past
the Christmas tree lot,
320
00:12:56,429 --> 00:12:58,964
Kip suggested buying one
might cheer us all up.
321
00:12:58,966 --> 00:13:00,732
Wait.
322
00:13:00,734 --> 00:13:02,100
Where's my star?
323
00:13:02,102 --> 00:13:04,269
(sighs) Kip had an accident.
324
00:13:04,271 --> 00:13:06,271
He didn't mean to, Nathan.
325
00:13:06,273 --> 00:13:08,239
He just pulled it out of the box too fast,
326
00:13:08,241 --> 00:13:10,475
and-and the point was ripped off.
327
00:13:10,477 --> 00:13:12,577
- (gasps)
- We did everything
328
00:13:12,579 --> 00:13:14,312
we could to repair it,
329
00:13:14,314 --> 00:13:16,447
but it was old,
330
00:13:16,449 --> 00:13:19,317
and it had lost a lot of glitter.
331
00:13:19,319 --> 00:13:20,351
But don't worry,
332
00:13:20,353 --> 00:13:21,386
because I made a replacement.
333
00:13:21,388 --> 00:13:22,387
Look. There it is.
334
00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:23,954
Ta-da.
335
00:13:25,523 --> 00:13:27,457
Wait, this-this has everyone but me in it.
336
00:13:27,459 --> 00:13:28,525
No, no, no, no.
337
00:13:28,527 --> 00:13:29,660
You're in it.
338
00:13:29,662 --> 00:13:31,162
See? Your mom opened her locket
339
00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:32,462
that has your picture.
340
00:13:32,464 --> 00:13:33,998
Oh, wait, there's a piece of glitter
341
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,166
covering it.
342
00:13:35,168 --> 00:13:36,433
Oh, there you are.
343
00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:39,103
You know what?
344
00:13:39,105 --> 00:13:41,138
- We could just take another one...
- Oh, gosh, look at that time!
345
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:42,272
We got to run!
346
00:13:42,274 --> 00:13:43,840
I made dinner reservations
347
00:13:43,842 --> 00:13:45,041
at Carol's favorite place.
348
00:13:45,043 --> 00:13:46,076
Come on, everybody.
349
00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:47,444
We need to carbo-load
350
00:13:47,446 --> 00:13:49,313
before the big Nativity show tonight.
351
00:13:49,315 --> 00:13:50,747
(chuckles)
352
00:13:50,749 --> 00:13:52,816
My treat!
353
00:13:56,787 --> 00:13:58,188
Ray, do you see what's happening here?
354
00:13:58,190 --> 00:13:59,756
That I'm about to sweat through my mink.
355
00:13:59,758 --> 00:14:00,924
Come on, man!
356
00:14:00,926 --> 00:14:02,291
It's hot in here for a pimp.
357
00:14:02,293 --> 00:14:03,459
(scoffs)
358
00:14:03,461 --> 00:14:05,061
Kip is trying to steal my mom.
359
00:14:05,063 --> 00:14:07,530
I mean, first he-he-he ruined my star,
360
00:14:07,532 --> 00:14:09,966
the he swooped in and took
Joseph first chance he got.
361
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:12,501
Now he's taking them to dinner,
and he's paying for it?
362
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:13,562
That's my thing.
363
00:14:13,589 --> 00:14:14,970
I'm the one who pays for dinner
364
00:14:14,972 --> 00:14:16,705
and doesn't make a big deal out of it.
365
00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:18,107
This year alone
I've already done it, like...
366
00:14:18,109 --> 00:14:20,176
- 17 times.
- Yes, exactly.
367
00:14:20,178 --> 00:14:23,012
This has been Kip's play all along.
368
00:14:23,014 --> 00:14:24,547
Won't be long
before he's sitting in my place
369
00:14:24,549 --> 00:14:26,449
at the dinner table,
trying to glue his ugly face
370
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:28,251
over my baby pictures.
371
00:14:28,253 --> 00:14:30,453
I got to stop this guy.
372
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:32,655
Well, fine!
373
00:14:32,657 --> 00:14:34,890
I guess I'll just walk to the party.
374
00:14:41,665 --> 00:14:43,866
Ah.
375
00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:46,869
Man, I'm gonna be late.
376
00:14:49,872 --> 00:14:51,773
Okay, places, everyone.
377
00:14:51,775 --> 00:14:53,475
Adam, plug in the lights.
378
00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:56,578
Remember, tonight is a brand-new night.
379
00:14:56,580 --> 00:15:00,382
Okay, and just like Mary
forgot the excruciating pain
380
00:15:00,384 --> 00:15:03,218
of a drug-free barnyard childbirth,
381
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:06,754
we are gonna forget the excruciating pain
382
00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:09,223
of last night's low turnout, okay?
383
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:10,725
Are we all ready?
384
00:15:10,727 --> 00:15:11,859
Here we go.
385
00:15:11,861 --> 00:15:13,360
Happy birthday to me.
386
00:15:13,362 --> 00:15:14,963
(screams)
387
00:15:14,965 --> 00:15:17,031
Nathan, that looks great.
388
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:18,733
Who's Nathan? I'm Baby J.
389
00:15:18,735 --> 00:15:20,267
Nice to meet you.
390
00:15:20,269 --> 00:15:22,503
Baby J. This is hilarious.
391
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,905
Look exactly like me when I was a baby.
392
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:27,575
It's true. I've seen the pictures.
393
00:15:27,577 --> 00:15:30,644
Nathan, we have a plan,
and you're not part of it.
394
00:15:30,646 --> 00:15:34,081
And you're too sun-damaged to be a newborn.
395
00:15:34,083 --> 00:15:35,649
Hey, listen, I'd watch your temper
396
00:15:35,651 --> 00:15:37,350
in front of the crowd, Joseph.
397
00:15:37,352 --> 00:15:38,585
Oh, nice try.
398
00:15:38,587 --> 00:15:39,653
What crowd?
399
00:15:39,655 --> 00:15:41,187
Oh, hark, there is a crowd.
400
00:15:41,189 --> 00:15:42,589
Sweet Jesus.
401
00:15:42,591 --> 00:15:44,457
No, I mean it; that's a sweet Jesus.
402
00:15:44,459 --> 00:15:47,127
Oh, hey, do you mind if I take
a picture with your funny Jesus?
403
00:15:47,129 --> 00:15:48,962
Actually, if you make a donation,
404
00:15:48,964 --> 00:15:50,797
we'll take the picture for you.
405
00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:53,000
The line starts right over here.
406
00:15:53,002 --> 00:15:55,701
Oh, Kip, run home
and get my Polaroid camera.
407
00:15:55,703 --> 00:15:57,137
It's in my bathroom.
408
00:15:57,139 --> 00:15:58,838
Never mind why.
409
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,174
But we're supposed to sing a song.
410
00:16:01,176 --> 00:16:02,342
Who cares about a song?
411
00:16:02,344 --> 00:16:03,876
We'll make a fortune for the church
412
00:16:03,878 --> 00:16:06,179
selling photos like mall Santas do.
413
00:16:06,181 --> 00:16:07,280
Why can't Nathan go?
414
00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:08,414
I can't go.
415
00:16:08,416 --> 00:16:09,482
I'm swaddled.
416
00:16:09,484 --> 00:16:11,751
Fine.
417
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:14,286
Drive safe, Kip.
418
00:16:14,288 --> 00:16:16,856
I'll be praying for you.
419
00:16:25,064 --> 00:16:27,064
Everybody calm down.
420
00:16:27,766 --> 00:16:29,300
Joseph's coming back with the camera.
421
00:16:29,302 --> 00:16:32,936
You'll all get a turn to take
your official photo with Baby J.
422
00:16:32,938 --> 00:16:34,605
KIP: Excuse me, excuse me.
423
00:16:34,607 --> 00:16:36,907
Better Baby Jesus coming through here.
424
00:16:36,909 --> 00:16:38,374
Excuse me.
425
00:16:38,376 --> 00:16:40,210
Better Baby J. Excuse me.
426
00:16:40,212 --> 00:16:41,244
Excuse me. (grunts)
427
00:16:41,246 --> 00:16:42,378
There we are.
428
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:45,381
Kip, what the hell are you doing?
429
00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:47,618
Well, the baby's good,
but the song is better,
430
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:50,087
but since you can't sing,
I made myself a baby costume.
431
00:16:50,089 --> 00:16:52,489
Yeah, well, we've already got a baby: me.
432
00:16:52,491 --> 00:16:54,491
I'm the big-headed Baby Jesus
that people want.
433
00:16:54,493 --> 00:16:56,226
Well, you got the big-headed part right.
434
00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:59,195
Burn. (sizzles)
435
00:16:59,197 --> 00:17:00,330
I'm leaving. I don't like seeing
436
00:17:00,332 --> 00:17:01,731
my savior arguing with himself.
437
00:17:01,733 --> 00:17:02,898
No, no, don't go.
438
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:05,868
These two Jesuses made
a Christmas promise to me,
439
00:17:05,870 --> 00:17:08,470
and they are going to stop fighting now.
440
00:17:08,472 --> 00:17:09,705
Look, if you don't get
the heck out of here,
441
00:17:09,707 --> 00:17:10,773
I'm gonna kick your ass so hard
442
00:17:10,775 --> 00:17:12,041
you're gonna be wearing a diaper for real.
443
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:13,442
Oh, I'm so scared.
444
00:17:13,444 --> 00:17:15,011
Oh.
445
00:17:15,013 --> 00:17:16,112
You don't believe me?
446
00:17:16,114 --> 00:17:17,446
I don't. Hey, back off.
447
00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:19,148
No, you back off. You back off. Stop it.
448
00:17:20,951 --> 00:17:23,352
Ouch.
449
00:17:28,391 --> 00:17:30,692
I asked for one thing for Christmas.
450
00:17:30,694 --> 00:17:31,926
One thing.
451
00:17:31,928 --> 00:17:33,862
And now because of your stupid fighting,
452
00:17:33,864 --> 00:17:37,966
Lucille Mueller is home,
stroking her eyebrow in victory.
453
00:17:38,768 --> 00:17:40,536
It was his fault.
454
00:17:40,538 --> 00:17:41,636
My fault?! Yeah.
455
00:17:41,638 --> 00:17:42,804
You just couldn't stand the fact that
456
00:17:42,806 --> 00:17:44,438
I was getting so much attention
as Baby Jesus.
457
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,508
In the manger I busted my
butt to build for Carol.
458
00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:49,310
You think I like building mangers?
459
00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:52,981
No, but I had to because her son
was too buy going to parties.
460
00:17:52,983 --> 00:17:54,448
You think I like going to parties?!
461
00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:56,951
No, but I had to if I'm gonna
give her the grandchild
462
00:17:56,953 --> 00:17:58,786
she so desperately wants. And I lied.
463
00:17:58,788 --> 00:17:59,987
I do like going to parties.
464
00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:01,489
Yeah, well, I like building mangers.
465
00:18:01,491 --> 00:18:02,690
And I can get her a grandson.
466
00:18:02,692 --> 00:18:05,493
There are a lot of options
for men these days.
467
00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:07,027
No, I'm her son. It's different.
468
00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:08,262
We share the same blood.
469
00:18:08,264 --> 00:18:09,597
Yeah, well, I'm her roommate.
470
00:18:09,599 --> 00:18:10,998
We share the same value-sized bottle
471
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,471
of Pantene Damage Detox
Deep Cleanse Purifying Shampoo!
472
00:18:13,523 --> 00:18:15,235
- You don't deserve her!
- Neither do you!
473
00:18:15,237 --> 00:18:16,437
Boys!
474
00:18:16,439 --> 00:18:17,671
Boys.
475
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,875
Is this what you've been fighting about?
476
00:18:20,877 --> 00:18:22,342
Me?
477
00:18:22,344 --> 00:18:24,011
You two have been acting
like complete fools
478
00:18:24,013 --> 00:18:26,046
all because of some silly competition
479
00:18:26,048 --> 00:18:27,347
over me?
480
00:18:29,885 --> 00:18:32,953
Please continue.
481
00:18:33,788 --> 00:18:35,455
You're actually enjoying this?
482
00:18:35,457 --> 00:18:36,689
Are you kidding?
483
00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:39,126
I thought you guys
just didn't like each other,
484
00:18:39,128 --> 00:18:41,694
but now I know that the two
most important men in my life
485
00:18:41,696 --> 00:18:43,130
were fighting for my affection?
486
00:18:43,132 --> 00:18:45,598
That is the greatest gift a mother/roommate
487
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,366
could ever hope for.
488
00:18:47,368 --> 00:18:48,701
Go ahead!
489
00:18:48,703 --> 00:18:51,170
Mix it up, boys.
490
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,272
Well, this is...
491
00:18:53,274 --> 00:18:55,041
this is just weird now.
492
00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:56,810
I know.
493
00:18:56,812 --> 00:18:58,311
You, uh,
494
00:18:58,313 --> 00:18:59,712
want to go get some eggnog?
495
00:18:59,714 --> 00:19:00,780
Yeah, why not?
496
00:19:00,782 --> 00:19:01,981
Oh, come on!
497
00:19:01,983 --> 00:19:03,282
Don't give up!
498
00:19:03,284 --> 00:19:05,084
Kip, he doesn't appreciate me enough
499
00:19:05,086 --> 00:19:06,452
after all I've done for him.
500
00:19:06,454 --> 00:19:08,187
Nathan, who does Kip think he is,
501
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,222
trying to get
in between a mother and her son?
502
00:19:10,224 --> 00:19:12,658
Has she always been this kooky?
503
00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:13,759
No, it's getting worse.
504
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:16,128
You picked a great time to move in, bud.
505
00:19:16,130 --> 00:19:17,863
Oh, come on!
506
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,565
It's Christmas!
507
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,767
Fight.
508
00:19:29,279 --> 00:19:30,679
Why do we have to do this?
509
00:19:30,681 --> 00:19:31,814
Because we're not quitting
510
00:19:31,816 --> 00:19:34,216
until we get more donations
than the Muellers.
511
00:19:34,218 --> 00:19:36,685
I got the costumes. Let's go.
512
00:19:36,687 --> 00:19:37,820
Well, this better work.
513
00:19:37,822 --> 00:19:39,521
Trust me, I've seen this before.
514
00:19:39,523 --> 00:19:41,623
It's gonna blow people away.
515
00:19:43,126 --> 00:19:46,461
(sleigh bells ringing)
516
00:19:46,463 --> 00:19:47,829
KIP: Five, six, seven, eight.
517
00:19:47,831 --> 00:19:50,131
(electronic version
of "Jingle Bells" begins)
518
00:20:14,403 --> 00:20:16,670
519
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:41,257
520
00:20:48,553 --> 00:20:50,320
Merry Christmas!
521
00:20:52,155 --> 00:20:54,960
- sync and correction by solfieri -
www.addic7ed.com
522
00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:59,560
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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