Original subtitles

Sorry we're late for movie night.

I was trying to help Carol pick out an outfit

for Comic-Fan-Fest.

Kip wanted me to go as Princess Leia,

but I look horrible in white.

That's the only thing I remember from our wedding.

You know what?

I've been thinking about going to that, uh,

whatever that "Comic Fest" thing is.

My boss says we need

to start appealing more to the nerd audience.

See, our-our station airs a Big Bang Theory rerun

every day at 3:30, huge ratings,

but our 4:00 p.m. newscast isn't holding enough viewers.

Get on it, Nathan.

Because you need to hold on to that job.

I mean, what else are you qualified to do?

Mannequin at Old Navy?

Okay, Mikayla finally finished her math homework.

Seems like a waste of time for a girl who's gonna marry rich.

Did you guys pick a movie?

Mm. Kip and I want to watch...

CAROL and KIP: Star Wars...

to get psyched for Comic-Fan-Fest.

We're not allowed to watch that.

Daddy won't let us because Jeff said so.

God, I am so sick of Jeff!

Say, I'm just trying to fit in here.

Who's Jeff?

He's the leader of the cuckoo commune Adam grew up on.

Jeff told Daddy watching Star Wars can cause seizures.

Honey, I don't want to say your dad's a little simple,

but Tom Hanks would get an Oscar for playing him.

We're watching Star Wars.

Great. No, this is perfect.

I can brush up on my nerd knowledge.

Can't just blindly pander to the Big Bang fans.

They'll just see right through it.

They're television's smartest audience.

?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17? ?www.addic7ed.com?

(Star Wars playing over TV)

When I woke up at the cafe,

we still didn't have any customers,

so I just decided to close up early.

I...

Oh, God, it's Star Wars!

Cover your eyes!

Adam, relax.

Nobody's having a seizure.

Wait, wait, wait. Can we just rewind that last part?

Where'd they say they were going? Alderaan?

Wait a second, d-did you say Alderaan?

That's where Exalted Leader Jeff is from.

The leader of your commune was from another planet?

Please tell me you aren't about to peel off your skin

and introduce us to the real you.

It's not another planet; Jeff grew up in Alderaan, Iowa.

I never heard of a town in Iowa called Alderaan.

And I have a photographic, uh, whatchamacallit.

You see, Alderaan was wiped out in a giant fire,

and then Jeff had to move in

with his aunt and uncle in a mud hut.

And then they were killed by some state troopers

from "the Dark Side of the force."

Guess who the police chief turned out to be.

ALL: Jeff's father.

Your cult leader appears to have stolen

his life history from Star Wars.

Everything you're talking about was in the movie.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second.

Our school mascot was the Millennium Falcon.

All our food was kept in Jabba the Hutt.

You know what, I'm not gonna let him get away with this.

Hey, Brenda.

It's me, Adam.

No, I don't go by Moon Potato anymore.

No, it's not because someone else

at work was named Moon Potato.

Listen, Brenda, I need you to tell Jeff something

the next time he comes down to the gas station

to fill up his water bottles, okay?

I need you to tell him that I have seen Star Wars,

and I am onto him.

How do you get a name like Moon Potato anyway?

You see, on the commune, your first name is

whatever your mother was looking at during conception,

and your last name is your father's favorite food.

You're married to an interesting man, Headboard Pot Roast.

NATHAN: Here we go.

Hi, there. WXDN News. I was just wondering if I could...

CAROL: Hey, Nathan!

Isn't this fun?

What are you two dressed as?

The waitstaff at the Boca Raton Pizza Hut?

I am Captain Janeway from Star Trek.

I have no idea who that is, but I think I'm pulling it off.

How's your story going?

Oh, it's rough.

All the people here only want to be interviewed

by podcasts or blog-casts or pod-blogs.

Is what I'm saying even words?

Look at these podcasters; they're not even journalists.

They don't understand the subtleties of the craft.

I took an entire class to learn how to do a dramatic...

pause.

(applause)

Stop it.

Stop, please!

Unless you want to go louder!

(crowd cheering)

Nathan, do you know who that is?

I don't know, the guy who invented

deleting the history on your Internet browser?

Are you kidding?

That's the author of Fire and Rain, Martin J.S. Essex.

If you're looking to get in with these nerds,

you should interview him.

He is our king!

- I'm hoping to get a Kippie with him. - A what?

A Kippie. Uh, a Kippie's like a selfie but better,

because Kip's always in it.

Martin J.S. Essex must be his pen name,

because that's Cory Simpson.

I used to teach him.

He was an exchange student from New Zealand.

You rode the bus with him.

He'd sit on the bus driver's lap

because he'd get car sick if he couldn't see the road.

Oh, yeah.

Always kind of assumed that he'd end up a bus driver.

Nobody talk to me.

I'm trying to rest my face muscles

so I can get the perfect smile for my Kippie.

Nobody is talking to you.

(hisses)

Who should I make it out to?

Mrs. Blast.

Blast from the past.

Mrs. Miller!

You remember my son?

How about an autograph for your old bus buddy?

Yeah, sure. Who should I make it out to?

Nathan Miller the backstabber?

Nathan Miller the ingrate?

Or would you prefer Nathan Miller the devil?

But that would just be redundant.

I'm not with them.

Kippie!

(camera clicks)

Security!

Remove this backstabber from my sight.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on.

At least just tell me what I did.

Is this because I made fun of you

for sitting on the bus driver's lap?

Because in-in my defense...

you were sitting on the bus driver's lap.

Fine, Nathan.

You really want to know?

It happened many years ago, in the kingdom of Leesburg.

(crows cawing)

MARTIN: In the land of middle school, you were king.

The ruler of the popular crowd.

Highborn, as it were.

I was an outcast, cursed by my extreme intellect

and the itchy blazer my mom made me wear.

As different as we both were, our paths were soon to cross.

Winter was coming, and with it midterms.

You were intellectually ill-equipped

and sent word for reinforcements.

We forged a sacred alliance.

I would help you in your epic battle against algebra.

And from then on, you would be seen in public with me.

The King of Cool and the Hand of the King of Cool.

It took almost a fortnight,

but eventually I taught you the formulas

to slay the algebraic beast.

We toasted our victory with orange libations

from the land of Crush,

brought to us by one of your castle wenches.

And you swore that a Miller always pays his debts.

(laughs heartily)

It wasn't long before our newfound alliance

was put to the test.

Your bannermen were dishonoring me after kickball.

But then my new ally emerged through the darkness.

But it turned out

that a Miller pays back his debts in betrayal.

And then in a final act of treachery,

you unsheathed your mighty broadsword

and chopped off my head!

Yeah, I don't remember any of that.

And, clearly, I did not cut off your head.

And thank God 'cause, man, you look good!

Well, maybe you didn't cut off my head,

but you stabbed me in the back, man!

Isn't that even crueler?

That was a long time ago.

My son needs this interview, and you owe me.

Remember when I convinced all of the kids

that boogers were a delicacy in New Zealand?

All right.

Fine.

I'll let you interview me... for your mother.

You can moderate my Q&A panel tomorrow

and film it for the news.

You have read my new book, right?

(chuckles): Are you kidding?

As many times as I've read the other ones.

Why don't we save all the book talk for tomorrow,

because I'd love to hear about your new life.

How about I take you out to lunch?

Sure, we can take my bus.

You'll meet my bus driver.

He has the most comfortable lap.

Man, look at this thing.

Never be able to read this in one night.

I'll help you.

Hey, check out this selfie I just got.

Me and the only other black dude here.

Well, I just finished watching the new trilogy.

Now I know why Jeff named his youngest Jar Jar Binks.

That kid looks exactly like Jar Jar Binks.

That poor girl.

(knocking)

Jeff! I got your message, Moon Potato.

Get out of here, Jeff.

And nobody calls me Moon Potato anymore.

Was there another Moon Potato...

There was not another Moon Potato at work!

And so that's why Baldomore is so eager to capture

his father-in-law's castle, because he knows

that once his mistress gives birth to the blue dragon,

he will once again have the upper hand over the Ninth Queen.

(laughing)

- That's so funny. - What?

It's just that you're so into it,

like it's real, and it's just...

well, it's... it's dragon babies, I mean...

Even the breath of a newborn dragon can melt

an entire ship made of Chrisharian diamonds.

(laughs)

- Sorry. - I-I knew you wouldn't...

I knew you wouldn't get it! No, no!

Certain people just don't understand fantasy.

What? Rational people?

Spoiled people who grew up popular

and birthmark-free.

Who never knew what it was like to be an outcast.

People like you don't need fantasy

because your reality was so perfect.

Oh, you know what? My reality was far from perfect.

Do you know how guilty I feel for making it impossible

for my parents to be proud of my sister?

You have no idea what it means to be ostracized,

literally and figuratively.

Oh, there's two more words

you probably don't know the meaning of!

Oh, oh! I'm sorry! You were such an outcast.

You told me that in high school you were the captain

of the football team and a cheerleader!

It was powder puff football!

We were all our own cheerleaders!

You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what?

You know what? You know what? You know what?

People like you are never gonna get people like me.

I am not helping you pretend that you're one of us!

Oh, fine! You know what? I'll just figure it out on my own.

- You know what?! You know what?! - You know what?! You know what?!

You know what?

You need to do something, Adam, okay?

You can't just let him stand out

on the front porch forever.

I mean, he's already been out here for, like...

How long have you been out here?

26 hours.

26 hours. He's freaking me out!

Oh, fine.

Let him in.

Namaste.

You got two minutes, Exalted Liar Jeff.

Look.

Let me explain.

We were a bunch of hippies living in the woods.

One night, everyone paired off to have sex,

leaving only me and Fat Reggie.

So I roller-skated into town, discovered a little movie

called Star Wars.

The next day, I told everybody about it.

But they were so stoned, they missed the part

where I said it was a movie!

They were blown away.

Suddenly, everyone's looking up to me like their leader.

And we needed that.

When I took over, we were down to four condoms

and a half bag of mushrooms.

Our commune features a lot of sex and drugs.

Is there golf?

No, but we have a deal worked out with a nearby Hyatt.

Sign me up.

I can't believe people fell for this.

Well, keep in mind the drugs.

Plus, the fact is they wanted to.

We needed some structure to live by.

All right, so you got caught up in a lie, fine.

But why did you make us do all that stupid stuff,

like write down two secrets and then drop them

in a magic metal trash can?

It was called Write Two, Drop Two.

"R2D2."

Look, I had my reasons.

I used R2 as a suggestion box to help solve people's problems.

I remember a certain

tall drink of awkward who always wrote

about being nervous around girls.

Yeah, you told me that I had a special "force"

inside me that would protect me from humiliation.

It was just a lie like everything about you.

Was it? Or did thinking you had a special force inside of you

give you the courage to approach your wife?

Holy mother of Jeff.

I understand if you don't like me.

But please don't tell the others what you know.

They need this!

I mean, I guess everybody needs to believe in something.

And-and the truth is, all these lessons you stole

from Star Wars made me the person I am today.

And I'm glad you've lived the life you have.

Because I love who you are today.

Jeff, I'm sorry I said some harsh things.

If you want to stick around, I'd love to catch up.

Yeah, you should stay for dinner.

Are you kidding? I'd love to.

- Your wife is quite beautiful. - Yeah.

I look forward to meeting the others.

Okay, we go live any minute.

Go get them.

Carol! Carol!

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,

excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

You're a big man for showing up to Nathan's interview, Kip.

I know you're mad at him.

Well, I can separate the man from his work.

I still love Paul Newman

even though his pasta sauce gives me heartburn.

Thank you, Bernice.

We're live here at Comic-Fan-Fest,

and I'm sitting with the one and only Martin J.S. Essex.

(crowd cheering)

Martin, your Fire and Rain series is the hottest...

Boring!

These guys already know about my books.

Because they're nerds just like me.

Right, my brother nerds?

(crowd cheering)

We're all nerds here.

Except for this guy.

You see, Nathan and I went to middle school together.

And back at school, he was the popular kid.

(crowd booing)

And he used to bully me!

Me!

Well, that's all for today from Comic-Fan-Fest.

Back to you, Bernice, in the studio.

We can't go back. Bernice took off her Spanx,

and she needs at least a five-minute warning

to put them back on.

What are you doing, Martin? We had a deal here.

I do owe you, Carol Miller.

But I owe your son so much more!

A double cross. Classic MJSE.

Oh.

I was as angry as you, my nerds!

But then I spoke to his mum, and I couldn't believe

the pathetic stuff she revealed.

I mean, this guy?

His life sucks!

(crowd cheering)

Now, I'm a gentleman,

so I'm not gonna repeat what was said in confidence

over a turkey club and a Fanta.

But I will show you the video I secretly recorded.

I had no idea my son was a bully in middle school.

At home, he was a sweet, sensitive angel.

We couldn't even play the board game Clue

without him crying because he was so upset someone died.

(laughter)

Oh, I-I'm sorry if murder upset me as a child.

I mean, if you can't trust a professor

and a colonel, who can you trust?

His marriage only lasted three years.

But I think it's gonna take him six to get over it.

(laughs)

His woman could only stand

being with him for three years

before she split.

BOTH: Women are hard.

Wait till you see this.

I mean, he was so lonely after his divorce.

It was clear he needed a roommate.

(laughs)

I'm sorry. What was that?

A 43-year-old man needs a roommate?

(laughs)

Are you not entertained?

There's nothing wrong with having a roommate.

Did you laugh at Laverne & Shirley,

Perfect Strangers, Kate & Allie?

Well, you should have. Those are great shows.

Well, wait till you see who the roommate was.

And let me tell you,

the two of us had a blast living together.

(laughs)

His mom!

(laughs)

His mom!

Come on, guys, what's wrong with you?

He's living with his mom!

I live with my mom, and if it wasn't for her,

I wouldn't be here today!

She drove me.

MAN: Yeah!

Yeah, that's right. I did live with my mom.

And I wouldn't trade the time

we had together for anything in the world.

(crowd cheering)

You're missing the point. We won!

The nerds won.

Nathan Miller is a loser, and I have a private jet

with my face painted on the front of it.

Look!

Maybe you should get back on it.

And leave Nathan Miller alone,

because he's more like us than you are.

OTHERS: Yeah!

(crowd cheering)

You know what? I don't have to take this from you stupid nerds!

(crowd booing)

Yeah, that's right. I love my mom.

And sure, I've had my share of women troubles.

But like you, I'm tough.

We're tough nerds.

We're terds.

Nope, we're nerds.

We're, uh... we're just nerds.

(crowd cheering)

So what did we learn here tonight, Leesburg?

Life's really about embracing the lessons you learn

along the way and becoming the best person you can be.

Because no matter who we are,

we all have a little nerd inside us.

That's the message I'll be taking away.

Good night, Leesburg.

Well, I hope that helped Nathan get more viewers.

It should, as long as the Big Bang audience

stuck around to watch the whole thing.

Oh, I'm sure they did.

They'll make the right choice.

They're television's smartest audience.

Well, movie night is delayed till Debbie finishes

helping Mikayla with her homework.

Oh, I'll go tell them to stop.

There's nothing you'd learn in the fourth grade

that can't wait until the fifth.

Nice job yesterday at Comic-Fan-Fest.

Thanks, Kip.

You know what? I got to say you were right.

Until yesterday, I didn't know what it's like to be an outcast.

When they were booing me, I gladly would've taken fantasy...

over reality.

Oh. Sorry.

Dramatic pause is kind of a hard habit...

to break.

Well, it was great seeing you, Jeff.

You, too, Moon Potato.

I'm so proud of you. And your wife is lovely.

You can't sleep with my wife.

Fair enough. I'll stop asking.

But call Brenda if you change your mind.

Tom, I'm leaving!

I'll be back Monday. Which Monday? I don't know.

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