Original subtitles

(Ray whoops)

Here's to Nathan's mother moving out!

Oh! (cheering, whooping)

That's the bubbly.

Now let's get in trouble-y.

Do you prefer to be called Nate

or Nathan?

Um, well, either, I guess.

Why?

Because I want to get it right

when I'm screaming your name in ecstasy.

It says �Nathan� on my passport.

(laughs)

Sweet little Nathan

In your bed

Open your eyes and lift your head

All your dreams will soon come true

'Cause Mommy's waiting here for you

Sweet little Nathan...

(screams)

No!

Look, Mom, this has got to stop, okay?

We're not... we're not roommates anymore; we're neighbors.

And neighbors don't just barge

into each other's apartments and start singing.

And they certainly don't go into the fridge

and cut all the grapes in half.

Every 55 seconds, a toddler chokes on a grape.

Mom, I am a grown man.

You got to stop trying to take care of me.

I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to oversleep.

Won't happen again.

If you find a complete, balanced breakfast downstairs,

just know it was made before we had this talk.

Mom...

Yes?

You already started singing the song.

You don't finish it, it's gonna be stuck in my head all day.

Sweet little Nathan

The day's begun

Let's start it out

With some tickle fun!

(laughing) Oh, Mom!

(laughing): Mom, no, come on...

(laughing) Oh, Mom!

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(coughing)

(congested): Oh, honey...

I'm still sick.

Are you okay to work at the cafe by yourself?

I can handle it.

As long as both our customers don't come in

at the same time, I'll be fine.

Oh, man. Tom, are you still on hold with customer service?

Yeah, they think I'll get bored and hang up,

but they picked the wrong retired guy

with nothing to do.

You know what I did last Tuesday?

I spent

the whole day waiting for a butterfly

to emerge from a cocoon.

Turned out it was nothing but a rolled-up Band-Aid.

Morning, everybody.

Very big day for me.

Nate's got a big interview with Metta World Peace.

Wow, oh, my God, Nathan. How exciting.

So is that a person?

Yes, he's a person.

I'm... I'm interviewing him about his new children's book.

He's an NBA legend.

Girls.

Don't know anything about football.

All right.

You ready to go, Mikayla?

Yeah.

I was hoping to wake up with a cold

so I could stay home, too, but no luck.

I guess I chewed on Mom's toothbrush for nothing.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

- Bye. - Get some rest, okay?

Okay.

(not congested): God, I thought they would never leave.

Okay, I'm not really sick.

The cafe isn't bringing any money in, so I've been

secretly substitute-teaching at the school,

but please, please don't tell Adam, okay?

I don't want him to know that I've lost faith in our business.

Aw. That's cute.

That you still call it a business.

Hey, you know, Debbie's class

would be the perfect setting

for the Metta World Peace interview.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah.

We could... we could film him reading his children's book

to a room full of kids.

Yeah, it's fine by me.

Really? Oh, my God, thanks.

And-and we promise that you won't be on TV

so Adam won't bust you.

Oh, thanks.

There's not much chance of that, though.

He's only watching the Spanish channel

now that he's trying to learn the language.

His favorite show is El Seinfeld.

It's a show about nada.

You know, for a kid's book, this thing is pretty deep.

�I look into the mirror and I like what I see.

I am a person who's going to be the best that I can be.�

That's how I feel.

I finally know why women love book clubs.

Drinking.

(knocking at door) CAROL: Nathan?

Nathan, are you home?

Shh, it's my mom.

Ever since she moved out,

she's constantly trying to take care of me.

The other morning, I woke up with a night guard in my mouth.

And I don't even own a night guard.

Nathan, are you in there?

You put a chain on your door?

I had to.

God, I just... She's got to learn

that she can't just barge in here.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. I heard a fire truck

and I was worried you'd choked on an uncut grape.

Carol, there's a three-alarmer down the block.

There's firemen everywhere.

I want to get my calendar signed.

Oh.

Children's books?

With words.

Nathan...

who's helping you with these?

See, this is another reason that I wasn't letting you in.

Because wherever you go, this guy follows.

There's Mom! Here comes mini-Mom!

You're being rude.

Very rude.

And I was just trying to help.

Look, I know you were. I know.

But you-you know what?

You're never going to grow as a person

if you're so busy trying to take care of me.

So from now on,

think of this hallway

as the U.S. -Mexico border.

You don't cross without my permission

and I won't come over unless I'm drunk

and looking to score cheap medication.

Okay?

Adios, amigos!

He's loco.

Muy loco.

Ray. Yeah.

No, listen, sorry I'm late.

Yes, I know that the Metta interview is today.

But I just... I overslept, okay?

So just... please don't tell my mother.

Well, just hurry up, man.

Most of these kids think I'm Metta World Peace.

There you go.

Stay in school.

Okay, I'm on my way.

Here, I'd like to just

- put $50 on pump number six. - Of course.

As soon as I help this little lollipop

find herself a lollipop.

Now, remember, the flavor you pick

says a lot about you.

For instance, blueberry means you're sad.

And cherry means you're sassy.

Can I just put the $50 on pump six?

Sir, I am trying to determine

who this little girl is.

She is at a very tender age of self-discovery.

So...

I'm thinking about... orange?

CASHIER: Well, don't rush into it.

Have you tried tangerine? What's it like?

It's a lot like orange. You know what? This is enough.

Time for the grown-ups to go to work, so just, here.

Take 'em all, on me. There you go.

Merry Christmas. Happy birthday.

Good luck at the dentist.

Put whatever's left on pump number six, okay?

Check it out! That's Metta World Peace!

Daddy...

that stranger right there yelled at me

and made me take all this candy.

(laughs nervously)

Why was he even at that gas station?

He's an NBA superstar.

When he runs out of gas,

shouldn't he just buy a new car?

Nathan, calm down.

Metta only saw you for a second.

He probably won't even recognize you.

(scoffs) Nice try.

This geometrically ideal bone structure

of mine is pretty unforgettable.

What if we got you a disguise?

Hey, Debbie, you got a lost-and-found box?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's over there.

Maybe we should just...

mess your hair up a little bit.

Never, ever touch my hair.

I did not bring in 22 photos of Brian Williams

to my barber to have you mess it up.

There's nothing but scarves in here.

Who buys a nine-year-old a scarf?

Obviously, they're just gonna lose it!

I got it.

I'm gonna borrow these.

We'll Clark Kent you.

(laughs) Ooh.

Geek chic.

(laughs)

He's coming, he's coming!

All right. Great. Uh, start rolling.

Maybe he'll be too busy playing to the camera

to even recognize me.

Uh, Debbie...

uh, you gotta distract his daughter.

I'm on it. I'm on it.

Okay.

(clears throat) Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you. I'm the teacher, Debbie.

Metta World Peace.

This is my daughter, Diamond.

Oh, hi, sweetie. Hi.

Why don't you, um,

why don't you come stand over here with me?

Oh, my goodness, what beautiful eyelids you have.

Can you close you eyes so I can get a better look at 'em?

Hey, kids, look who's here.

It's NBA superstar slash author

slash ambassador of all things calm and reasonable,

Metta World Peace!

Thank you. It's an honor to be here with...

So, uh, Metta, listen, I really loved your book,

uh, Metta World Peace and Love Stories.

I, um... Have we met before?

Oh, well, not unless you volunteer at

the Be Nice to Children's Hospital,

'cause I'm there all the time.

Anyway, my favorite part of your book was...

Wait a second.

Diamond, is this the man who threw lollipops at you?

That's him.

He yelled at me and his breath was stinky.

Hey, I left the house quick this morning, all right?

And �yelled� is a very strong...

I just told her that orange and tangerine were similar flavors.

No, they're not. They're wildly different.

You've been feeding my daughter lollipops and lies.

Hey, I really didn't mean...

Maybe you should see what it feels like

when someone bigger makes you afraid.

Listen, Mr. Peace,

the kids came here to hear about your book,

not to watch us fight.

(chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! No, no, no, no, no.

What makes you think we're gonna fight?

Maybe I'm just gonna yell at you

like you yelled at my daughter Diamond.

(grunts) (children continue chanting)

What's happening?

Can't see anything!

Why am I off the ground?

I couldn't see anything through those glasses.

I thought that little girl was a chair.

And where were you, Ray?

You're supposed to have my back.

No, I told you I have your back

for anyone under five-seven and below 200 pounds.

Great. I'll let you know

if I ever get attacked by Jason Alexander.

Nathan...

Nathan, I came over as soon as I heard.

What happened?

As soon as you heard?

How'd you hear anything?

Well, I didn't hear anything.

I put it together.

I saw that your car

was parked crooked,

so I knew you came home agitated.

And from the footprints across the lawn,

I could tell you were in such a hurry

that you didn't bother with the sidewalk.

I thought it was a bathroom emergency,

but then I didn't hear a toilet flush.

That's when I knew to come in!

How can I help?

It'd be a huge help if you could figure out a way

to keep my neighbor from bothering me.

Which one?

That Saudi upstairs,

or the other... No, the Saudi is Italian

and I'm talking about you!

Uh, Nathan, you better look at this.

In strange news out of Virginia,

it appears basketball star Metta World Peace

had quite a disagreement

with local news reporter Nathan Miller

in an elementary school.

You destroyed the tape, right?

Of course.

Despite the chaos,

some students managed to capture

the act of stupidity and cowardice on their cell phones.

(children chanting) Maybe I'll just yell at you

like you yelled at my daughter Diamond.

What's happening?

Can't see anything!

Why am I off the ground?

JULIE CHEN: I mean, I don't know about you guys,

but as a mother, when I hear of someone using a child

as a human shield...

I, for one, am against that.

Moms, am I right?

(cheering)

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.

No, no, no! Not �main menu.� I didn't say �main menu�!

Representative.

(reporter speaking Spanish)

?Qu? demonios?

Sin mocos.

JIM ROME: Metta World Peace is one of the most intimidating players

in the history of the NBA.

But we've finally found somebody who could stop him:

a coward holding a nine-year-old girl.

As a father myself, I am impressed

that Metta World Peace didn't hit him.

If it were me,

I would've gone Metta World War on Nathan Miller.

(laughing hysterically)

Metta World War!

I love wordplay.

It's on every channel except Al Jazeera.

Nope, there it is.

Good to see those guys laughing.

(chuckles)

Okay, okay. Don't worry.

Don't worry. I can fix this.

First, we need to get the phone numbers of all those TV hosts,

then lure them into texting us pictures

of their private parts...

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

You're not doing that.

You're not doing anything.

The only thing I want you to do is nothing.

Understand?

Listen, I understand you don't want me coming over

for the piddly stuff, like waking you up on time

or dumping out your expired milk.

But this is a big problem.

And big problems are what mothers have trained for

their whole lives!

I'm ready, son.

Put me in.

I'm not putting you in.

No, no, no.

I'm putting you out!

I'm a grown man and I do not need your help.

Fine.

You don't have to tell me more than three separate times.

You want to be on your own?

You are on your own.

Consider the cord...

cut.

Well, don't worry, man.

This will all blow over

when the next, bigger story knocks it off the front page.

I'm sure there's some celebrity who's about to go into rehab.

(Ray chuckling)

Watch.

Where's Entertainment Tonight at?

It may seem like a scene from the newest Taken sequel,

but even Liam Neeson couldn't save this little girl.

I have to warn you, this clip is rated �R�

for �Really, Nathan Miller?�

Welcome back. Tony Kornheiser with you,

and there's a lot of hoo-ha going on

about local newscaster Nathan Miller.

So let's go to the phones.

Bill in Arlington.

Yeah, how you doing, Tony?

Uh, I just gotta say, I think that

that Nathan Miller's a real hero.

You know?

I think if you... if you look at that classroom,

that, uh, that terrarium looks like it's... like it's broken.

Matter of fact, uh, I think that, uh,

that floor might be covered in scorpions.

Bill, you're a dope.

Hey, listen, Tony, let me...

Oh, God, I think he hung up on me.

- What's wrong with the... - All right, we've got all their other lines tied up?

Yeah, I got a whole roll of fake callers here,

ready to defend you.

How are you with foreign accents?

Well...

TONY: Let's go back to the phones.

This is interesting.

We have Colleen on the line...

all the way from Ireland?

A woman from Ireland?

I hope you ate your Lucky Charms this morning.

(bad Irish accent): Top o' the morning to you, Tony.

NATHAN (Irish accent): and it takes quite the upper body strength

to lift a wee child with only your arms.

I should know. I've got 11.

Children, not arms.

(coughing)

(congested): Oh, honey...

I'm so sorry, I just feel worse than ever.

Mmm.

Poor baby. Still sick, huh?

That bug has really got you down.

Yeah. Just can't seem to shake it.

Well, don't worry.

I have just the thing to make you feel better.

It's Mikayla's old snot sucker from when she was a baby.

Yeah, just shove this in your nose

and I'll suck the sickness right out of you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think we need to...

I mean, I think we just need to give the medicine

a chance to do its work.

No, no, don't be silly.

You're sick. Just tilt your head back.

Oh, no, no. I think it's more

congestion than snot. I... Oop, there we go.

Ah, I know you're not sick!

I saw you on la televisi?n.

What were you doing down at that school?

I was subbing, okay?

We needed to pay the bills.

I didn't want you to think

that I'd given up on the cafe.

Wait.

- You've given up on the cafe? - No.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Okay, would it help your decision

if I told you that I gave up on it a long time ago?

Wait, you did?

Yeah. (sighs)

Even my fake Yelp review for the cafe

only gave us two stars.

Wait, are... are you saying what I think you are?

(sighs)

Let's do what the health inspector's

been trying to do for years.

Let's close down the cafe.

Oh, hon...

Hello?

They finally picked up.

Yes, my name is Tom Miller,

and I have been on hold since Thursday.

I called because you asked if I wanted to be part

of a customer survey.

Well, I wanted to tell you

that I do not.

Metta.

Hey, listen, if this is about those callers on the radio,

I have no idea

what those people with amazing accents were talking about.

I like a little

whiskey in my coffee, too.

(laughing) Oh, Nathan, you're home.

Now, l-listen. I-I-I know

I told you I wouldn't interfere again,

but I couldn't help myself.

This was just too big.

Hello.

I'm Metta's mother.

Carol was kind enough to track me down

at the hotel and tell me what was going on.

My instincts told me

Metta's a man who travels with his mother.

Nathan, sit down.

You, too, Metta.

Sit down.

I came to apologize for my son.

But, Mom...

he yelled at Diamond.

I know what he did,

but two wrongs don't make a right.

Now, we're gonna set things straight

with this Brian Williams wannabe.

Oh, gosh, thank you.

(laughs)

You know how intimidating you can be,

especially with someone smaller,

weaker, less successful...

He gets it. He's good.

And you.

Who do you think you are, yelling at a child?

A Russian gymnastics coach?

You both need to sit here until you've worked this out.

METTA'S MOTHER: Mm-hmm.

And you, Carol, need to put

some more whiskey in this mug.

Girl, it's starting to taste like coffee.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you well enough

to give you a Carol pour. (laughs)

Mothers, huh?

Tell me about it. Mine lives across the hall.

Yeah?

At least you can move.

I bought my mother the house next door.

She's not going anywhere.

You're looking at Everybody Loves Metta.

Listen, I'm sorry about the other day.

I... I was just really stressed out about being late

and you're the biggest interview of my life,

but I... I shouldn't have yelled at your daughter.

Ah, it's all right.

She should've just picked a lollipop.

Indecision runs in my family.

That's why I keep changing my name.

(chuckles)

I'm just worried my career's over.

And if people think I can't control my temper,

nobody's gonna buy my children's books.

I've never wanted to be the next Dr. J.

I've always wanted to be the next Dr. Seuss.

I'd rather write.

Write all night.

To write all night

would be such a delight.

That's pretty good.

You know, I-I think that if...

if we work together,

there just might be a way out of this.

So what you're telling America

is that this whole thing was a staged prank?

Brilliant, right, James?

Yeah, it was actually all Metta's idea.

And all I had to do was act scared.

Emma did a great job as our human shield.

His big head stretched out my glasses.

Okay.

(chuckles)

I knew this video would go viral

and bring attention to the issue of bullying.

It's no good, kids.

That's why we're all better off

choosing World Peace

and Love Stories.

Well, you fooled us.

Now back to the crisis in Syria.

Guys... we did it!

You had nothing to do with it, Kip.

The three of us have a fun time, don't we?

CAROL: I'm just glad

it all worked out.

And I promise, this is the last time

I will ever interfere.

Well, Mom, that is...

a promise that you cannot keep.

And also one that I don't want you to make,

'cause you know what? I was wrong.

Without you finding Metta's mom,

there's no way I would've figured out

a way out of this, so...

as much as I hate to admit it...

I do sometimes need your help.

Thank you.

And I'm sure you've had a long day

and you're ready for bed.

I am very tired.

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