Original subtitles

23!

Oh, that's me!

Hi, I'm Carol,

and this is my son Nathan.

He doesn't care. We're having a family dinner tonight,

- and we were told to bring a fun, wintry dessert. - He just wants your order.

- But knowing Debbie, she won't eat chocolate. - He doesn't.

- And knowing Tom, he won't eat fruit. - Also a stranger.

Or else he'll spend the rest of the night on the toilet.

Okay, you know what? Just two pounds of bread pudding, please.

I saw that news report you did yesterday

on the squirrel who can water-ski.

Hard-hitting stuff.

First of all, it was a chipmunk and he was wakeboarding.

I'll have you know that he got up on the third try.

All right?

They're wasting you.

You clearly have the piercing eyes and strong jaw

to deliver the hard-hitting news.

You look like a young Paul Newman.

Paul Newman used to make all the girls weak in the knees

when I was growing up. Still does.

I can't walk down the salad dressing aisle

without feeling a little earthquake in the basement.

Ma'am, your order's ready.

- Oh. - 24!

Excuse me, but you gave us

an extra quarter pound of the bread pudding.

Okay, just a second.

As soon as I'm finished helping this customer.

But you're not finished helping this customer.

Ma'am, it'll literally be one minute.

- I'm sure Customer 24 won't mind finishing with Customer 23. - Yeah, Mom,

- we'll just take the extra. It's fine. - (sighs)

"It's fine"?

"It's fine" is a lazy way to live your life.

"It's fine" is why we're chasing the Chinese for world supremacy.

"It's fine" is why the young people

don't know the art of cursive

and I need to show I.D. to buy allergy meds.

"It's fine" is why...

is why he insists on helping Customer 24

when Customer 23 is still waiting.

- Manager! - No manager!

- You are embarrassing me. - Can I help you?

I don't know. Do you have chloroform and a rag?

Hey.

There you are. Where's Mom?

Oh, is she not complaining right behind me?

She must be still complaining up the driveway.

It's just ridiculous.

Do you know how many tattoo parlors I counted

on the drive home? 14.

When I was growing up, two kinds of people had tattoos,

soldiers and Popeye.

Yesterday, I picked up my prescription from a girl

whose arm looked like the margin of a sixth grader's notebook.

I swear. I don't know...

Shut up.

Just shut up.

Well, you pulled the pin.

You got ten seconds to get out.

Okay, ad-admittedly, that came out slightly...

sharper than I wanted it to. But it's just...

you got to find something else in your life

other than criticizing everything.

I-I can't take all the complaining.

After a long day at work, I just... I need some me time.

Okay, I get it.

You're not talking 'cause I told you to shut up. Would you...

Look, why are you putting your purse on deliberately?

Hey, your silence scared me when I was younger, but I'm 42 now!

It's not like when I was 35!

Grandpa,

- are you busy next Friday night? - Pumpkin,

the only thing I have on my schedule is eventual death.

Will that happen between 7:00 and 9:00 on Friday?

(chuckles) I hope not.

Good. Then will you take me to the Daddy/Daughter Dance?

Uh, yeah. I-I guess

I could.

Don't you want your father to take you?

He can't. He doesn't dance.

What's she talking about? Why don't you dance?

I kind of had a bad experience when I was a kid.

I didn't know how to dance,

so I just closed my eyes and tried

to copy everything I'd ever seen on TV.

(laughter)

You know that expression, uh,

"dance like no one is watching"?

Turns out that is terrible advice.

I'm not taking Mikayla.

Oh, come on, Dad. She really wants to go.

And she should. With her father.

Trust me, you don't want to skip this.

I worked crazy hours when Debbie was growing up. I always

missed stuff like this.

Carol had to take you to your Daddy/Daughter Dance.

I always regretted

not going to that dance with Debbie.

You can't go back in time. When a...

moment is gone, it's gone.

It's like your hair or your memory.

When a moment's gone, it's gone.

You can't go back in time.

It's like your hair or your memory.

You're right, Tom.

I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna dance.

Excuse me, Tom,

Debbie, Adam,

lamp and no one else.

I forgot my sweater.

Your mom's not talking to you?

No.

Happened to me once.

Once.

How do I know my mother's missing?

Officer, Dr. Phil started ten minutes ago

and there's nobody here talking back to the TV.

(exhales)

I drove up and down every street in your neighborhood

calling her name and shaking a bag of Chex Mix.

Nothing.

(sighs) Yeah. But... No, it was just a normal day.

E-Except that we did go to the grocery store and I...

I may have told her to shut up.

I don't see why that matters, but I'm 42 and a half.

Yeah. Never mind.

Hello, Ray. Nathan.

Oh, you're talking to me now? Do you mind telling me

where you been? I called you 2times.

God, I don't know why I bought you that phone.

You only use it for Sudoku and recipes.

I went back to the grocery store to apologize

to the bakery manager since I made such a big,

embarrassing scene. You didn't need to do that.

I know that now.

Because he took my side of the bread pudding fiasco,

and then he gave me these free muffins for my trouble.

I argued with that manager down at that store once.

Know what I got for my trouble? Tasered.

After that,

he and I chatted about ways to improve the bakery,

and now you're looking at the new bakery clerk.

You're kidding.

Nope. Looks like I'll have something to fill my days

so you don't have to come home to me complaining.

And I hope you don't get offended

if I don't want to hear you yakking when I get home.

I might need some me time too.

Free muffins and peace and quiet?

Yeah, I think I can handle that.

(groans)

Don't even... don't even say hello.

I know that look.

That is the look of a woman who's had a long workday

and is just looking forward to enjoying a little me time,

so feel free...

People are idiots.

To share the things that irritated you today.

All I wanted to do was brighten customers' days

with a little chitchat,

but everyone was glued to their smart phones.

You're really gonna enjoy this muffin.

My son loves 'em.

It's the blueberries

that get him. When he was little,

we used to pick them at my...

at my uncle's farm in Richmond.

But clearly you don't give a rat's ass about that.

Sample?

Can anyone hear me?

Sample? I'm an alien.

Sample?

Fresh out of my butt.

Oh, hey, little guy.

You're not too busy for a cookie, are you?

Just put it in my mouth.

They no longer need to use the brains in their heads 'cause

they got one in their pockets.

People say there's an app... ...for everything.

Well, tell me, where's the app that can shake your hand?

Or say "God bless you" after you sneeze?

I'd like to see an app do that.

(chuckles) Call me

Willie off the pickle boat, but in my day,

an app was something you shared over fruity drinks

before dinner with your Bible study group!

(laughs) Say that last part again.

Bible study group.

I say put down your not-so-smart phones and look me in the eye

because, if I want to stare at the top of people's heads,

I'll ride the glass elevator at the mall.

(chuckles) Don't get me started on those things.

This is Nathan Miller and that's what's on Miller's mind.

Okay. Let's see what we got. (music playing)

So just jump right in?

Okay.

I always see a lot of pointing,

which is why I'm pointing right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Not sure why I just karate-kicked

'cause that could totally hit a kid.

Ooh.

Ooh.

What's this over here? I got a devil horn on this hand

and a... this guy over here's holding a gun.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, this move I just stole from the Lucky Charms guy.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. (music stops)

I think we just need to pick one dance move you're good at.

'Cause what you did right there

is why they ban dancing in many countries.

Sorry we're late. There was a pet store

next to the dress shop. We got distracted.

Grandpa climbed in the puppy cage.

There was no sign that said we couldn't.

Dad, you...

Never mind.

I'm gonna go try on my dress for the dance.

Okay, you do that, sweetie.

We're gonna have a great time!

Hopefully that dress is made out of Kevlar

in case Daddy karate-kicks her in the sternum.

Trust me, all she's gonna remember is that you were there.

That's right. You're a wise man, Dad.

(barking)

Oh, damn.

I got to go back to the mall.

The phones are lighting up.

You've really captured the voice of old, angry America, Miller.

It's like somebody brought Andy Rooney back to life

and ironed his face.

Old people are gonna be eating him up like mashed peas.

Let's try this every day next week

and see how it works out.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

all this talk about mashed peas has made me hungry.

(laughs)

- Do you hear that, Ray? - What?

- We're gonna be indoor reporters. - (laughs)

Who knew that my mother was the golden goose of negativity?

I just hope that goose doesn't get constipated.

We need five of these next week.

Think your mom still has it in her?

I don't know. She gets pretty stuck on one topic. She...

I mean, you know, she spent a whole month

complaining about the hashtags at the bottom of the TV screen

during her favorite shows.

Well, you know the kind of stuff that gets her all riled up.

Maybe you just need to squeeze that goose

until something pops out.

Yeah.

(phone ringing, sighs)

Hello?

(with accent): Well, hi.

We have to make an adjustment to your cable line.

We need someone home Friday between 9:00 and 4:00, or 7:00.

We're not really sure.

What? You expect me

- to stand here... - Please hold.

(instrumental music plays)

Calling during the dinner hour.

Keeping me on hold.

And can you believe what they're making me listen to?

That song dad used to play all the time?

What are the chances?

(sighs)

So how does all this make you feel?

I'll tell you how it makes me feel.

Companies today think they can...

hold on to their customers

no matter how long they keep us on hold.

If I wanted to waste an hour on the phone listening to nonsense,

I'd just call my Aunt Marjorie,

who always puts her cat on the phone.

(scoffs)

Where were you? I'm late for work.

Sorry. I-I got a flat tire hitting potholes.

I got coffee all over me.

That's the shirt I gave you for your birthday.

What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what you do. You call your elected...

officials and tell them to stop arguing

about who can legally marry who.

I don't care about the holes

people are filling in their bedroom.

I care about the holes

that people aren't filling in our streets.

Hey, Mom, remember my buddy Dan from high school?

Look at this picture he posted of his kid... Xander.

Good God, what kind of name is Xander?

There was a time when names...

meant something.

When I was a kid, there were only ten names.

Nine of them came from the Bible.

The only other one was Felix,

and they just used that for weirdos.

Today it seems like parents are picking names

by pulling tiles out of a Scrabble bag

and trying to run up the score.

(clattering)

Mom?

Your snow globes are here.

Hey, Mr. Delivery Guy,

don't break my globes, and I won't bust your balls.

(laughing)

He said "balls."

Ratings gold.

Oh, can you believe this?

They have me on hold again,

and they didn't even tell me what company they're from.

And can you hear that?

Dad's favorite song again?

I can't believe it!

Wow! Gosh, you are so worked up!

Hey, would it help you take your mind off of it

if you gave me your opinion

on celebrities getting out of jail early?

Good God, don't get me started on that.

I read one of those just yesterday.

Some stupid actress hit a crossing guard.

(insect buzzing) Is that a fruit fly in here?

Do we have any insect spray?

Yeah, well, listen... that crossing guard...

did he deserve it, or was he just an innocent guy?

He was a war hero.

Of course he was innocent.

He survived three tours in Afghanistan,

but he couldn't survive one no-talent tramp

who was only famous for getting pregnant at 16.

Are there more flies in here?

Where the hell are they coming from?

They're coming from behind the microwave.

- Just breathe. Mom... - Oh, my God!

Do you see what this is, Nathan?

It's the extra quarter pound of bread pudding

that we brought home from Debbie's house.

I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

And of course we didn't finish the bread pudding.

There was a quarter-pound extra we didn't want.

And then I never had a chance to throw it away

because I was too busy supergluing the snow globes...

(thudding)

Mom?

You're fine.

Basically, you hyperventilated.

These things are usually triggered by anxiety.

Did you have a particularly stressful week?

Unbelievably stressful.

It's like every little aggravation

that could happen to me did.

It was weird, wasn't it, Nathan?

I didn't notice.

Okay, well, we're gonna monitor your vitals

for another five minutes.

Then you're free to go.

Uh, Jennifer here will get started on your paperwork.

- Thank you. - Oh, you know what?

I... I can do that for her. Least I can do.

Oh, my God.

Oh... my... God.

You're Miller's Mind.

I'm a huge fan.

I love that one where you...

Well, yeah, they're all good. Thank you so much.

What's she talking about?

Oh, that piece on kid names was dead right.

My sister wanted to name her girl Tazia with a "Z""

It's like you said... just pulling Scrabble tiles.

That's... that's what I said.

Okay, you know what? You've been very helpful.

Thank you. (clears his throat)

How did she...?

Look...

I've been taking some of the rants

that you've said recently and using them

in a new piece I'm doing on the air.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?

Well, uh, because, in order to keep you doing them,

I'm also the one that's been irritating you on purpose.

I'm sorry.

You've been doing this to me on purpose? (mechanical beeping)

(rapid beeping) Like some bear for you to poke?

(very rapid beeping) Oh, God, no, no, no, no.

We've been using more of it like a Golden Goose metaphor. Look...

(beeping slows)

I-I-I just didn't know that it would get this far.

I was so sick of doing the fluff pieces,

and for once, people actually cared about what I was saying.

I mean, it felt good making a difference

in their lives. I'm sorry.

I know it doesn't make any sense.

Actually, it makes perfect sense.

You're like me.

Why do you think I complain all the time?

To hear myself talk?

No. I'm hoping someone will hear me, and I can make a difference.

You know what? You have.

After our rant on potholes,

the city set up a hotline to report them.

They call it "The Pot Line."

It's actually created a whole new set of problems.

But, you know, still, just baby steps.

Well, I'm-I'm thrilled

that my opinions are getting the audience they deserve,

but I can't keep getting riled up every day

to the point of wanting to choke someone.

If I wanted that, I would have stayed married to your dad.

You're gonna have to start doing these rants on your own.

I don't know if I can.

I mean, you've got that raw, organic anger

just bubbling up inside you, like a good reporter should.

I don't have that.

Maybe that's why I keep getting stuck doing the stupid stories,

like potatoes that resemble their owners.

Oh, please. You were the fussiest baby I ever met,

and I have half a nipple to prove it.

But when your mother's the biggest complainer on earth,

maybe it doesn't give you a chance to do it yourself.

Trust me, you've got a little Angry Carol inside you,

and she's got something to say.

You just got to let her out.

Mr. Miller, I forgot that the lab

requires a separate set of forms,

as does the cardiologist on call.

And this is for insurance.

Now, when you're done with those, come find me,

and I'll have you fill out the discharge papers.

Oh, uh... uh, thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you?

Is that how you feel about filling out those forms?

You feel thankful?

Uh, no, I don't.

I actually feel pretty irritated.

(whispering): Let her out, son.

Let your little Angry Carol come out and play.

There are just... there are so many of them.

There sure are.

And they all start with the same five questions.

That sounds irritating.

It is. And how many times do I have to write my address down?

It's like you go to the hospital...

with a simple case of hyperventilation,

and you come home with carpal tunnel so bad,

you can't even give 'em the finger!

The health care industry needs to get it down to one form.

I'm sick of my doctors making it rain!

This is Nathan Miller...

not signing off.

(theme music plays)

And that's what's on Miller's mind.

(upbeat instrumental music plays)

(sighs)

I'm glad you came, Daddy.

Hey, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else

in the world but right here.

So... are we gonna stand here or dance?

(sighs) Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we can do that.

(sighs)

Don't panic. Just pick one style of dance and stick to it.

All right.

Okay, honey, honey, honey, honey, you-you got to stop.

You got to stop dancing like that.

Why? This is how I dance. It's fun.

Well, of course it is, I know, but

you got to trust me, okay? If you don't stop,

people are gonna laugh and call you names.

No, they're not.

We're not allowed to make fun of people for being different.

They teach us that.

Well, what if you're super tall?

Can the other kids call you "The Leaning Tower of Idiot?"

Nope. It's kind of awesome.

Yes, it is.

That is kind of awesome.

(grunts)

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On the next episode of The Millers.

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