Original subtitles

Figure skating? Did you order the wrong book again?

We've got to change that one-click setting on Amazon.

True, this finger is a loaded gun, but I have to read this.

The station's sending someone to cover the winter olympics,

and I thought maybe I'd turn my hat into the ring.

The olympics? In Russia? That's all the way in Russia.

You know, you would clean up on Jeopardy!

Seriously, this is a big opportunity. The winter olympics are as big as it gets.

Well, after the summer olympics.

I was on the fast track to be a national reporter,

and then Parkinson's sidelined me.

So I get to spend more time with my family,

which is great... in its own way.

- Can you get this off? - Mostly great.

So I'd really like to go, but only if it's okay with you.

I think it sounds exciting. You should go.

Really? Good, 'cause I told Harris I would.

Oh, thanks for the pretend consideration.

Still it's a long time to be away from the kids.

I don't want to miss any special moments.

I don't mean to be that guy, but could you try to keep it down?

- I'm taking a nap. - Or I could extend my trip.

Hey, Eve, sorry that we woke you

in the middle of the day, but, since you're up, any

progress on choosing an activity for your college resume.

Actually, I have found the perfect activity.

It's got everything you want. It's after school, it's competitive,

- and it could lead to a scholarship. - I'm all ears.

The miss outstanding Teen Manhattan Beauty Pageant.

- You're serious. - Dead serious.

Unless mom is against it, and then I could go do

some more brainstorming and get back to you

- in, like, a week or two. - No, I think that

a teen beauty pageant is a great idea.

You should go for that.

- You're serious too. - Totally.

- Great. - Great.

- This doesn't seem great. - Then I will go sign up for that.

- What just happened? - Keep up, Mike.

Eve picked something I hate so I'll forbid it, and

then she can go back to stalling, so I call her bluff,

knowing that she'll quit, then I get to make her do whatever I want.

- You scare me. - Listen, I've been winning

the mother/daughter fights since I was the daughter.

You don't get to go on coed camping trips

at 16 unless you have got some serious game.

You hate camping trips. Why would you want to...

Oh.

1x15 - Sochi

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I'd love to send you to the olympics, Mike,

but I just can't pick whoever I want.

I have to justify it to the folks upstairs.

- Who knows more about hockey than me? - It's not just hockey.

There's bobsled... two-man bobsled, four-man bobsled.

I'm all over bobsled. I was Captain of my bobsled team in college.

- Really? - No, there's no such thing,

but I was convincing, wasn't I?

Check this out. I made a demo.

Oh. You're gonna need this. Prepare to be inspired.

When Kevin White was growing up, money was tight,

but that didn't stop him from chasing his olympic dream.

No, no, no, what's that?

Somebody messed with the music. I had something inspiring

laid in there, like...

la la la la la No, that's too down. You need something

triumphant like...

fump fuda fump

fuda fuda fuda fump funka fump bump bump - la la la la - You guys, like, having a little jam sesh?

Now I know who messed with my demo.

Michael, are you making excuses again?

You know, a poor workman blames his tools.

- I just blamed one tool. - Oh, yeah. Hey, Harris,

if you want a correspondent with some real chops,

- you want to take a look at that. - Great. She made a demo.

Oh, no, no, that's a bootleg copy of Looper.

I'm a walking demo. My work speaks for itself.

You gotta convince them to send me.

I don't know, Mike. She gave me Looper.

You gave me clown music.

And then the lights started to flicker.

And then there was this fluttering,

groaning, tapping sound, almost like a rapping.

I'm pretty sure there's a ghost in my apartment.

- Cool. - No, ghosts don't exist, buddy.

I mentioned it to Mrs. Friedman, and she said

that, back in the '20s, some Navy guy was murdered

- in my apartment. - Cool.

Okay, I'll get to the bottom of this.

I don't know that I'd go on Mrs. Friedman's word.

She walks a loaf of bread around the neighborhood.

She told me at a very lucid moment. She was looking me straight in the eyes,

- her housecoat was closed... - Whoa. Mrs. Friedman was right.

Some Navy guy did die down there.

- Yup. - Oh, he's an Admiral and very handsome.

Like a sexy Captain Crunch.

Cool. It says he got stabbed in the neck.

Graham, stop reading and go play video games.

As you know, we can only send one of you to Sochi,

along with Clete from sports.

Well, whoever you decide to recommend, Harris,

I know you'll do it with the same Grace Manfred Schmidt

showed when he luged to gold in 1968.

That is such a steaming pile of unsolicited sports knowledge.

I'm sorry if I'm industrious like Frank-Peter Roetsch,

who snagged double gold on the biathlon in 1980... ow.

- Really, Susan? Really? - In my defense, I never said

that I wasn't wearing an ear piece and having an intern feed me facts.

Is this who we want representing us? Someone with this little integrity?

And this much ear wax?

- Mike, you're going to Sochi. - Yeah, yeah.

Yes! Da svidaniya!

- Mike, don't make me change my mind. - Into the "S" curve.

Yes, we all know that's a bobsled...

Mom had called my bluff. All I could do now

was go in there and do my best... at doing my least.

Honey, the unwed mothers group meets across the hall.

Unwed mother? No. I'm here for miss outstanding teen.

My mistake. We're about to go through the opening number.

All right, guys, here we go. Five, six, seven, eight.

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight,

and one, two, three, and four.

Five, six, seven, eight, and one.

It turns out, even if you don't care about something,

sucking at it sucks.

I think it's so great you found a sitter so you could be here.

- I don't have a baby. - I'm sorry.

I just made an assumption based on your terrible appearance.

I'm Megan cute shoes.

- Thanks. - No, that's what they call me.

- Megan "cute shoes." - Cool.

- My name is... - It doesn't matter.

You're not gonna make the cut.

- There he goes, Mikhail Henry. - National spotlight, here I come.

Well, airport security's gonna be a nightmare.

- You got everything? - My passport and my boarding card.

I even took my belt off already so that saves 15 minutes right there.

Oh, so now you have everything you wanted,

- nothing can spoil it now, huh? - Harris, why are you talking funny?

Why are you doing that with your face?

- Nothing. - Hey, there, partner. Ready to go?

- She's coming?! - Oh, Clete got food poisoning.

I feel bad. It was right after I took him to dinner.

Anyway, now we can both go to Sochi.

- Mwah. Bye, Harris. - Eh.

- You don't think she... - Poisoned Clete?

Oh, most definitely.

We were just on a plane for 18 hours.

We can't just stop by our hotel first?

You don't want to see the international broadcast center?

This is gonna be... kind of rinky-dink.

NBC4. Nikolai. I'm your translator!

I'm here to help you with anything you need.

Okay, I'd like to get a crew out to the hockey arena.

- The USA's playing Denmark. - Yes!

- It's right through that door. - Right.

You can't go.

- Why not? - Local market news.

You have red pass. If you want access

to the venues, you have to be a national reporter

- with a gold pass. - Well, hon, you expect us

to report the entire games from within this room?

Seems impossible. Very sad. But we have Wi-Fi.

But only two bars.

- Oh, well, at least we get a solid buffet. - Oh, it's delicious.

- Gold pass? - Very much so.

I not tell nobody.

Another thing I love about the Admiral... he's so funny.

He did this thing with the lights.

Hold on. Do you think you and this ghost are dating?

Don't be ridiculous. It's only been a week.

We're just feeling things out.

Oh. Look who's off to pageant practice.

- Having trouble with those high heels? - How can shoes give you a headache?

Well, I guess it's worth it since you're taking

- such a sincere interest in this. - Just sign these forms.

It's mostly liability stuff

so they can't be sued if one of us takes a baton to the face.

It happens more than it doesn't.

Ow.

- Playing mother/daughter chicken? - Oh, yeah. She's holding her own,

but if she thinks I'm gonna be the one to blink first and call this off...

Wait. $600 entry fee?

- I'm calling this off. - Sorry, I can't go down there with you.

The Admiral and I are staying in.

I'm trying to turn him on to Downton Abbey.

That's a good call. He'll probably love that

because it was set in his time period.

- That's a really good point... - I was joking!

Ghosts don't watch TV. They don't do anything.

- They're not real. - Oh.

All right, this is a full dress rehearsal, girls.

Spit out the gum and tuck in those bra straps.

- Hi. Excuse me. - Oh, I'm sorry, this is miss outstanding teen.

Mothers of unwed mothers is across the hall.

What? No.

I'm here to pull my daughter out of whatever...

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What? I...

She...

Really?

Harris, you got to get me one of these in gold.

Those things are harder to get than a date

- with supermodel Miranda Kerr. - That was oddly specific.

I have some other windows open on my screen.

Seriously, Harris, I'm hamstrung here.

I only got one interview, and it's with a Serbian curler.

And not a guy in the Serbian olympic team.

Just a guy who curls from Serbia.

What are you doing?

Have you ever played with this program?

Huh? It's amazing.

Hey, what are you doing up there, little hearts?

Harris, I'm serious. I'm stuck in a room

with 12 other broadcasters, and we're all sharing one pen.

And he's sucking on it. Dan's sucking on it.

Dan, really, seriously?

I'm sorry, Mike. Nothing I can do. I'm just a dog.

- Any luck getting through security? - I don't want to talk about it.

- Mom? - This isn't a bluff.

- You really want to be a beauty queen. - Okay, it was a total bluff at first,

but then I got here and all these girls were laughing at me. I felt stupid.

Honey, I'm sure that they weren't laughing at you.

No, no, they were. See 'em doing it right now.

Hey, we can hear you!

Anyway, now all I want to do is destroy them.

Oh, yeah, yup. I get that.

I get that real good.

Wait, so... so you're gonna help me?

Yup. We're gonna start with your smile.

It's always bothered me, ever since you were little.

- Come on. - Oh.

- Oh, what a waste of time. - Mm.

I could be home enjoying my family.

- Mm. - You could be home poisoning sportscasters.

I did not poison Clete. I took him to a marginal sushi joint.

- I reverse-yelped it. - Yeah, you gotta lose the bindi.

Oh, ow, ow. That hurts.

You know, I know this was stupid, but I actually

thought this was gonna be my chance at the national stage.

Not so crazy. I had the same thought.

You know, back in the day you were pretty close.

- What happened? - Seriously?

- Oh... - I don't know. I can't help but wonder

where I'd be if things turned out differently.

I'll tell you where you'd be.

You'd be two floors up working with the big boys.

Thanks, Susan. Did... Did we just enjoy a human moment?

- Tell anybody, I'll kill you. - I believe you.

You know what, screw this. We are too good for this.

With my street smarts and your whatever you bring

to the table, we can get ourselves out of it. Let's go.

You're more sneaky and underhanded than me.

- I'm more of a... - Guys, quick, the reporters from

Wichita trapped a mouse in the kitchen.

Okay, I'm in.

Okay. Here's the plan.

Apparently there's a national reporter

that didn't show up for his gold pass, so the plan is simple...

Your name is Arthur Fry, and you work for the BBC.

- You want me to pretend I'm British? - I can do all the talking.

Oy, there, Governor, where we get our badges?

You sound like you swallowed a chimneysweep.

I'll handle it.

My name is Arthur Fry. I'm with the BBC.

You probably notice my accent. I was born in England, but I was raised

in the States, and my American accent only comes out

when I'm tired, and I am knackered.

He's here to get his badger.

I'm sorry. My assistant's not only Cockney,

she's also deaf. I got it, Hermione.

Toodle-oo.

Arthur Fry.

- Success. - I told you. My accent sold it.

I think it was that he didn't speak English.

- Anyway, I got it. - Had it. Sorry, Mike.

- You really should have seen that coming. - I did.

- But, Mr. Henrys, how is it possible? - Olympic magic, Nikolai.

Which kind? Blood doping or bribery?

Identity theft. Let's see how many interviews

I can get before I get caught.

You call that posture? Let's go!

- Catwalk is 4/10 of your score. - Believe me, I know what's at stake.

Just let me work.

Dad goes away to Russia for a few weeks,

- and the whole family loses its mind. - Tell me about it.

I was just saying the same thing to the Admiral the other day.

Yeah, funny you should mention the Admiral

because I think he's about to ship off to sea.

- What are you talking about? - I talked to the super recently,

and he said they've been redoing the wiring down there.

I want to see you pop that hip at the top of the eight.

- Can we take a break? - Seriously?

Do you think that Megan cute shoes is taking a break right now?

Stride! Stride!

- Stride! - Okay, well, that explains

the flickering lights, but what about the sensual groans?

They've been redoing the wiring because the boiler's been acting up.

It's all pipes. Mystery solved!

- You're welcome. - Oh.

Wow, what a relief it is to know

that nothing interesting's happening to me.

Guess I'll just go back to my regular apartment

someone was murdered in. Thanks a lot, Ian.

Walk through the beat, not on the beat!

I don't know what that means!

I'll tell you, I got some great stuff out there today.

I'm so happy for you, Mr. Henrys. But we should head out to the airport.

- Are you all set? - I got my passport,

I got my boarding card, I even took my belt off.

Have a great flight. Take me with you!

- What? - Nothing! I love Russia.

Mike Henry? Mark Farrell from the Network.

Oh, Mark, if this is about the gold pass...

We've been looking at your coverage from the other day.

I got to tell you, we're impressed.

Yeah, well, when you legitimately go out and cover

a story and follow the rules, it all comes together.

Listen, a spot's opened up in our coverage of the closing ceremonies.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

You'd have to extend your stay, but it's national exposure.

What do you say?

Closing ceremonies?

That is amazing. Of course you should stay.

Good. 'cause I already told 'em I would.

- Again, Mike? Really? - Mom, are we gonna practice or what?

Wait a minute. You're helping her now?

I thought this was a battle of wills.

It was, but then Eve actually got into it.

And so did I. I have to say, it's... it's been pretty fun.

So I did miss something after all.

Oh, Mike, it's no big production or anything.

- Just... - can someone please help me

- put on my mascara? - Is that my son in a dress?

- He's a stand-in for the competition. - And I'm a judge. Thumbs down.

- I know it's not the olympics or anything,

but I'm gonna do you proud, Dad.

I know you will.

- Ah, my eye! - Honey, just hang on a sec.

I want to make sure she's okay.

- What... why does that even happen? - I don't... okay, ow.

Hey, Mike. I'd like you to meet your new producer.

Just give me a second.

I'm so sorry, Mike. One second. Can we call you back?

Okay, miss Rodriguez-Jones, it's time to head to the airport.

- No, she's staying. - What do you mean?

Here I was on the verge of a huge professional moment,

and all I could think of was being with my family.

That's when I realized Parkinson's hadn't made me miss things.

It had kept me from missing things.

Well, they told me they needed someone for the closing ceremonies.

I told them you were the person for the job.

- Yeah, right. - Here's your gold pass.

- Seriously? - Yeah, I know you

and I have had our differences over the years, but this trip

has helped me to see that there are bigger things in life

than just career pursuits and petty squabbles over past...

She's gone. She's already gone!

Whoo! Gold pass!

Hey, we're about to go to the pageant..

- You coming? - Oh, you go ahead. I'll catch up.

Look, is this about before? I should not have burst your bubble

- just to prove I was right. - Ian, it's fine.

No, it's not fine. I mean, who am I to judge?

You know, I was in a relationship with a Swedish model for months online,

and then she turned out to be my friend Dennis!

Not sure what was going on with that, but...

- You're gonna be late. - And you know what?

Even though there is no evidence at all,

who am I to say that ghosts don't exist?

- Leigh. - What was that?

- You're all set. - Oh, so soon?

I guess I could stall... until it's time to get dinner.

Okay, I see what's going on here. Well, I'll just get going.

- Sounds like a plan. - Just gonna go. Bye...

Don't tell the Admiral.

Okay, judge two, kind of a creep. Don't be afraid to use that.

Hey, Mom, I'm really glad you pushed me to do something.

Honey, this is literally the last thing

that I thought we would be doing, but I am really proud of you.

- What's that? - Oh, sorry.

Old smile. Won't happen again.

Thank you. Go. Go, go, go.

Sir, I'm sorry, there's no late admissions.

- NBC4 gold pass. - What?

- Gold pass! - Oh.

- Dad! - Dad, you're here!

Yeah, I couldn't miss the competitive event of the season.

Oh, make me over

I would say children are the hope for the future

and our greatest resource.

my name is might have been

a walking study

in demonology

hey, so glad you could make it

yeah, so glad you could make it

now

All right, Eve!

And the new Miss Outstanding Teen Manhattan is...

Evelyn Henry.

Evelyn! That's my daughter!

That's my daughter!

There she is. There's my beauty queen.

Mike, you're supposed to be in Russia!

Nah, that's all the way over in Russia.

Oh, my god, Dad, I can't believe you came.

Ah, the olympics happen every two to four years.

You in a tiara... almost never.

- Wasn't she amazing? - Incredible.

Next stop: Miss outstanding teen East Coast.

No. No, I just wanted to beat them at their own game.

I'm out.

Eve, you can't quit! We've got more bitches to beat!

- I shouldn't have said that. - Not out loud, no.

When I was younger, I had a road map for my life.

But it turns out getting lost provided an opportunity.

And those are some of my favorite moments from the 2014 winter olympics.

This is Mike Henry signing off from Sochi, saying stay informed.

- Whoo! - Nice job, Dad.

- That's awesome. - 'Cause it brought me to where I needed to be.

- Are you sure you didn't want to stay? - No, no, I'm sure Susan did a great job.

And it turns out she's not so bad.

That was a really touching segment from Mike Henry.

This is Susan Rodriguez-Jones filling in for Bob Costas,

who has food poisoning.

The woman's a monster.

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