Original subtitles

♪ I ate sixteen donuts, seventeen ♪

♪ I know that I'm naive ♪

Take it, Eve!

♪ Fellas I meet may tell me I'm sweet ♪

♪ and willingly I believe ♪

Mom! Dad! Help!

Eve, will you stop loving your brother?

- ♪ I'll depend on you ♪ - ♪ I'll take care of you ♪

You should do the school musical.

- What? Why? - Because you're good...

and because I think we've all had enough of Brenna Shenkin.

I mean, come on, the girl gets one line in Law & Order,

and we have to pretend she's Bernadette Peters?

Cheesy musicals aren't my scene.

School ends for the day, and I have to stay voluntarily.

What's in it for me?

Friends and memories that last a lifetime.

- Hard pass. - Wait. Go back, go back, go back.

What? That's just the list of Wi-Fi networks.

Look at this one. "Rock 'n' roll Lemieux-sic."

- How brilliant is that? - I think you're gonna

have to explain to us how brilliant that is.

"Lemieux-sic," like Mario Lemieux. I love hockey, I love music,

- and I love wordplay. - Is that wordplay?

Yeah, because it's Lemieux-sic.

I'm not gonna explain to you how comedy works.

Well, why don't you find out who this guy is

and then hang out with him?

Honey, guys don't make friends like that. It just happens.

Sometimes you find something electric, like me and Harris.

Yeah, that's getting kind of creepy. Maybe you want to branch out.

Okay, Henrys, high-speed internet time.

Get ready to rocket into the...

- Oh! Oh! Jeez! - Oh, my...

♪ telling me what to do ♪

You guys, is that even... is that necessary?

- Oh, god. It smells like burning flesh. - How do I find this guy?

- Floor-to-floor search. - Great.

Let's start in the basement and work our way up.

1x14 - Couples

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

Jeez, you write one cranky letter to Reader's Digest,

and all of a sudden, you're on the A.A.R.P.'s mailing list.

Oh, hey, don't look now, but I think

that's your guy with the cool Wi-Fi name.

- Rock 'n' roll Lemieux-sic? - Sorry, did you just say my Wi-Fi name?

Oh, uh, sorry. My wife and I were just going through

all the Wi-Fi networks in the building, which is a totally normal thing to do.

Wait. You're not "Bobby Hull and Oates," are you?

- He shoots, he scores. - That's cool.

No, you're cool.

See you around.

Okay, what are you doing? He likes you.

- You think so? - Dude, you were clearly vibing.

- Go talk to him. - My hair's all funny.

You get in there. You close that.

- Come on, I'm right behind you. - You're a hell of a wingman.

Where were you when I was dating?

I was dating guys that had better game than you.

I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.

- I'm Mike Henry. - Will.

And this is my wife... was my wife.

- Ah, so... come here often? - Once a day.

- The mail. - Yeah.

Hey, Ian...

I'm looking at secret files! Get out!

Good lord, what did that poor kid see?

I used to lock the door while the video was buffering.

Damn you, high-speed internet.

I'm so glad you wanted to come to one of these literary nights.

My friends always have other things they want to do,

like watch the kids or get up early for work.

See, this is what Mom doesn't get. This is my scene.

It's gritty, the people are real, and you can smell the creativity.

Oh, sweetie. That's Puke and Patchouli.

Well, listen, this is what they're going to do.

They're gonna draw names out of a hat,

and whoever gets picked tells an impromptu story.

Great. Let's pull up a big wheel and watch.

It rained with a menacing sobriety the day my father left.

Each droplet like a tear streaming down my face.

And there is a 100% chance...

Science can't tell us where the rain comes from...

Someone should tell him science has kind of figured out rain.

Hey, how's the weather where you are, dad?

Bad luck.

- I could fix you. - I forgot to put my name in the hat.

It's not so much the way I feel, but the way I look.

You see me on the street, and you think this.

I show you that.

I'm telling you, I've been to a lot of hockey games.

- I never got to drive the Zamboni. - That's what I'm telling you.

With 20 bucks and a smile, you can talk yourself into any situation.

You know, next to the birth of my kids,

this is probably the best day of my life.

Oh, screw the kids. This is definitely the best day of my life.

Hello?

Hey, Mike. I got three tickets to "La Boheme."

One for me, one for you, and a seat in between,

- so it won't look weird. - Harris, I can't talk right now.

- I'm with my friend Will. - Will? Who the hell is Will?

- You want to play Joe Strummer's guitar? - I gotta go.

You know, we should invite the wives next time.

- That's a great idea. - That's a terrible idea.

Well, you said you wanted more friends in the building.

You. I wanted you... to have a friend in the building.

Couple friends are a whole different ball game.

- We have couple friends. - Yes, but you know we each

- secretly hate one of them. - That's not true.

- Ryan and Karen. - Yeah, I hate Karen.

- Geoff and Susan. - Well, you hate Geoff.

Well, I hate Geoff. The kids hate Geoff.

I'm just saying, what if the wife doesn't like you,

or I don't like the wife?

- Did I mention they have a house in Fiji? - What time is dinner?

You know, just a thought.

Maybe you could tone it down a little tonight.

- "Tone it down"? What are you talking about? - That tone right there.

You got so many better ones. Just focus on those.

I'll avoid that tone, Mike, if they avoid being awful people.

It's... it's really up to them, isn't it?

- Let's make a game of it. - Okay.

If they say something you disagree with,

let's time how long you can smile politely.

I'm not gonna change how I am just to impress a couple of strangers.

Sounds like someone doesn't think they can win.

Oh, hey. I'm Trista.

Listen, Will was just giving me a long list of subjects

not to talk about, but listen, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

First of all, I'm not crazy about people that say, "come with."

I don't believe...

and if your kid is old enough to tie his own shoes,

maybe not breast-feed in the middle of farmers market.

Am I right? Come on in.

She's perfect. And if I die and you want to marry Trista,

I'd totally understand.

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Hey, buddy.

About the other day when you came into my room, uh...

you might have seen something that... confused you.

I wasn't confused. Ian's a spy.

He was looking at secret files, he always wears fancy suits,

and he gets really weird when you ask him to explain his job.

But I can't blow his cover, or that will put him in danger.

We don't have to talk about it.

I think I might have traumatized my little brother.

Hey, Aunt Leigh. I need you to help me dye my hair.

Purple, like Barney? Oh, is this to impress that hot guy

who doesn't know how rain works?

- No. This is who I am. - Ah, sweetie, you can't pull off badass.

- What? - You can wear all the army

jackets you like, which your mother dry-cleans, by the way.

But you can't hide the fact that you're just a sweet,

- happy kid who sings show tunes. - Ironically.

You don't get every signature

from the original Broadway cast of Mamma Mia! Ironically.

You know what? You're just like Mom.

You think that I'm some sweet, cheesy girl, but I am over that.

I'm like Sandy at the end of Grease. Damn it.

You know what I hate?

Waiters that come and sit down when they take your order.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry. This isn't a "hang sesh."

I'm paying you to act like we're not friends.

- Right! - Trista and I had so much in common.

- We hated all the same things. - And Will liked me for me.

He didn't even care that I was a local celebrity,

which made me want him all the more.

- Okay, you're getting creepy again. - Either way, we had to bring our "A" game.

Do you guys like antique bowls?

Because there's an antique-bowl exhibit

at the Museum of ceramic art, if you guys wanted to come with.

- Us. - Uh...

- Come... come with us.

Anyway, we just love spending time together...

- Yeah. - And cooking meals...

- Mm. - And laughing.

Putting sauce on each other's noses.

Maybe I'm moving a little fast here,

but we should all go on a trip sometime.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, I don't know

if Mike mentioned it, but we've got a house in Fiji.

Oh, it was you guys that had the house in Fiji.

Yeah. In fact, we're going in May... you know, if you guys can make it.

It does overlap with David and Iman, but they're fine.

- Yeah, the Bowies are truly fun people. - Oh, yeah.

Well, we... we'll have to check our calendars.

Yes.

- Fiji! We're going to Fiji! - Fiji!

- Hey. - Cool hair.

It kind of reminds me of Barney,

the dinosaur who taught us all to get in line.

You get it. I saw you speak the other night.

- Oh. - It was amazing.

I mean, what happened to you wasn't amazing,

but the way that you talked about it was amazing.

- You talk real good. - Cool. Thank you.

- Thanks. I'm Andreas. - I'm Eve.

So are you going to put your name in the hat?

Why else would I be here?

There were a million names in there. I mean, there was no way

- they were actually going to pick... - Eve Henry.

So my parents... they don't understand me.

My brothers are super annoying...

probably because they're on drugs, all the drugs...

pot, coke, molly. That's a thing.

So I threw the whole family under the bus.

Also, I said we lived in a bus.

But then I stumbled on to something that was true.

And my Mom... well, she wants me to perform

like a little street monkey.

True-ish?

Do you like that, Mother?

You want me to sing for my scraps, Mother?

Well... ♪ do-re-leave me ♪

alone.

That was so raw.

God, it must have been hard to have so much pain,

- like, so close to the surface... - Thank you.

Especially since the topic was "first pets."

So this is my desk and, uh, you know, that little guy.

Oh. It's us at the game.

You're picking my nose with a big foam finger.

I had a spare frame.

- Iron Mike, let's grab lunch. - Oh, I can't, Harris.

I'm having lunch with my friend Will.

- Will, this is my boss, Harris. - Boss?

I'm just your boss now? I named a star after you, Mike.

- Those things are just a scam. - Uh-uh.

I have a three-color certificate says otherwise.

Don't get too comfortable. That used to be me in that frame.

No. No, it wasn't. It was my son Graham.

So, lunch? Let's say we call the womenfolk, have them join us?

That may not be such a good idea.

- Trista and I are having problems. - Oh, no.

To be honest, I invited you to dinner as a buffer.

In fact, seeing how happy and perfect you and Annie are

together made us realize our marriage is a lost cause.

How could you do this to us?

Us, believers in love.

- We liked them. They liked us. - We all liked Fiji.

The only variable we didn't think of is that they wouldn't like each other.

- Damn our perfect marriage. - Ugh. I'm so sick of it.

Hello, NASA? Yeah, I'd like to change the name of a star.

You're talking into a brownie, Harris.

Ugh, I can't believe Will and Trista are splitting up.

They seemed so perfect.

Well, just thank god they don't have any kids.

- Yeah, divorce can be hard on kids. - It can be hard on friends, too.

- I mean, even new friends. - You know, in some ways, I think even harder.

Yeah, because the kids get two Christmases. What do we get?

- Certainly not a free vacation in Fiji. - We'd have to pay for it, like animals.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

You can't make people stay together. This isn't the parent trap.

- But... - I'm listening.

If we were to, like, say, re-create a romantic moment

from their lives that reminds them of their love for each other...

- That's just being good friends. - And they got back together before May

and wanted to repay us by taking us to Fiji...

- So be it. - So be it.

Oh, sorry! You're doing your thing.

Wait, I wanna show you. No, it's just work! It's just work!

Come here!

Graham thinks I do that in the kitchen?

I would never do... okay, once.

Good news, Annie... everything we need to know

about Will and Trista is on their wedding website.

Do you think that it would be too much

to get a hold of the priest that married them?

Well, I would think that, if I hadn't already done it.

By the way, we're going to have to get Graham baptized this Sunday.

- Eh, wouldn't hurt him. - Oh, hey, employee.

I can't do lunch today because I'm hanging with my new crew.

- Mike? - Doug is your crew?

Yeah. D-money.

Tell him that funny thing you said the other day.

- What funny thing? - You know, that thing.

Oh, you mean that joke about the black guy and the latino guy,

and they're trying to pick the lock at the pearly gates.

No, Doug. I never heard that joke before.

But now you're gonna tell it to me in H.R.

It's a funny joke.

I love this neighborhood.

I used to hang out here a lot during my single days.

Well, I wouldn't want to be dating today, though.

No, too much pressure,

all those drug-resistant venereal diseases,

- craigslist murderers. - Mike?

Annie? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

Well, I guess it's just a coincidence, so whatever.

- Hey, Will. - Trista.

If I can get a word in, um,

what do you say, since we're all together,

the four of us have dinner somewhere?

- Oh. - M-maybe this place.

Okay, that's crazy.

This is where Trista and I had our first date

Soup of the day... different soup every freaking day.

That's... I mean, that's... I got to see this.

- Yeah. - Oh, come on.

We'll ignore them. We'll get drunk.

Wow. The hours just fly by when you're writing.

So, um...

do you want to go get something to eat or something?

Uh, no, no, no. I don't like to eat when I'm writing.

I want the hunger in my belly to just feed the hunger in my work.

Oh, sure. Sure. Me too.

Um, but I might just eat this protein bar, since it's already open.

Hey, Eve. Oh, and it's Rain man.

I'm Eve's aunt Leigh.

Is this the one who sold your baby clothes to buy drugs?

- Uh... . - Don't judge me.

You don't know what it's like.

Do you know how many onesies you have to sell to get high?

I don't because I was high.

Oh, look how late it's getting.

I should probably get out there and sell my body for money. Bye.

Oh, darn. She's going the wrong way to the methadone clinic.

Aunt Leigh, thank you so much.

You're still not a badass, but girls don't rat out other girls.

You're the best. No, you can't borrow any more money!

It'll just go right up your nose!

- I love you. - I love you too.

Man, it's like nothing's changed here.

That was the same waiter from last time.

He was old back then.

- We found him at the retirement home. - I had to promise him Willard Sscott

would wish him a happy birthday, even though he's only 85.

Anyway, anything for Fiji.

- Love. - Love. Anything for love.

Ah, this really brings me back.

You know, people say you can't live in the past,

but I say indulge those memories, you know,

your first kiss, your first date,

- not the stuff that comes after. - Exactly.

Change and growth... those are the enemies.

- Mm-hmm. - You remember our first kiss, Will?

- Of course. It was at the theater. - During the blackout.

Honey, it was definitely at the play.

That Usher told us to get a room.

I'm sure that was a fun memory for you and whoever,

- but I wasn't there. - Well, I don't remember a blackout.

Really? Because you black out all the time.

Four Scotches, hmm? That's what you pair with salmon?

Well, maybe I wouldn't have to drink if you'd look at me when we make love.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't... don't fight.

Your first kiss was on the ferry.

Wait a minute. How'd you know that?

Because you... you told me...

one time... when you were drunk.

This is getting weird.

First, the chance meeting, then the restaurant.

The waiter who's full-on asleep now.

- What's going on here? - Oh, my god. You're parent-trapping us.

I've never... I've never seen the movie.

- I don't know what that is. - Ah, a dahlia for the pretty lady.

Really? Dahlias?

This guy just happens to be selling our wedding flower?

All right, this is way too creepy. I'm getting out of here.

Oh, don't you dare leave me with these people.

Well, if it isn't Will and Trista.

I was just re-reading your vows and thinking about how divorce is a sin.

Stand down, father. Stand down.

Have some salmon.

Will finally called back. Good news...

The parent trap thing worked. They're giving it another shot.

That's wonderful. Should we go upstairs and celebrate?

Oh, no. No. They want nothing to do with us.

In fact, that's why he called back,

to basically tell me not to call anymore.

You know why I think we went after Will and Trista so hard?

Because the kids are so busy with their own lives,

and we were looking for someone else to fill that space.

- I think it was Fiji. - You're right. It was totally Fiji.

- Want some cake? - Oh, sure. Why not?

- Okay, keep it still. - Honey, that's not me. That's you.

Oh, sorry. Ah, even their cake is perfect.

Graham, we need to talk.

I have to explain to you about what happened the other day.

It's okay. I know what you were doing.

- You do? - Yeah, and I think it's cool.

Really?

I mean, it's something I'd like to do when I'm bigger.

Well, that's natural.

- And I'd like you to teach me. - That's less natural.

- Wait. What are you talking about? - I was... what are you talking about?

I know your secret. You're a spy.

Well, don't tell anybody.

Okay.

- So why do we have wedding cake? - What do you care? It's free cake.

This is the cake I want at my funeral.

Andreas. What are you doing here?

Uh, you left your journal. Your address is on the back.

Oh! Good. So you didn't have to look inside.

- Okay, thanks. - Whoa. Wait.

This is your house? I-I thought you said you lived in a bus.

Yeah, well, we just got into some subsidized housing.

- With a doorman? - Heavily subsidized.

Um, but... but my family is still...

very dysfunctional.

Evie, honey? Does your friend want some cake and milk?

It's really yummy.

You're good? Okay.

So I may have bent the truth,

but it's just because you're so edgy and interesting,

and I thought that you wouldn't be into me

if you saw how boring all of this was.

No, this isn't boring. This is really nice.

- I would love this. - Really?

So you still want to hang out with me?

No. You've been lying to me this whole time.

It wasn't all lies!

It was all lies. You can go.

- You want to split this with me? - You were right, Aunt Leigh.

I can't pull off badass.

It's not so much that you can't pull it off.

It's why would you want to? It's not who you are.

- Well, who am I? - I don't know.

But that's the best/worst thing about being a teenager.

You get to find out who you are, and we get to live with it.

It turns out it's not always easy to be honest with people.

And it's even harder to be honest with yourself

about what you really want,

what you really care about.

I knew you'd come back.

I was gonna give you a half a day of punishment, but...

come here.

Oh, Will never held me like this.

But I guess figuring out who you are and learning

to be honest about that is what makes you an adult.

Good luck with that.

Oh, honey, look, new Wi-Fi in the building!

"Ready or yacht." "Ready or yacht."

How do we feel about boat people?

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