Original subtitles

Merry Christmas, honey. Look what I'm standing under.

Actually, what am I standing under?

Oh, it's broccolini with a ribbon wrapped around it.

- They were out of mistletoe. - You little elf.

Hey, don't forget... we're doing our gift exchange tonight.

Are you sure you're ready?

'Cause mine's gonna make you cry and not in a good way.

Our first Christmas, we couldn't even afford to get each other gifts.

And our Christmas eve dinner

was just a hard Italian salami and crusty French bread.

So each year it's been an escalating contest

to see who can give the gift with the most wow factor.

Sometimes it gets a little competitive, but it's really all about the love.

- I will destroy you. - Yeah, you wish.

My gift is going to kick your gift's ass.

- Ugh. - This is why Christmas sucks.

It turns people into a bunch of shopping addicts.

This doesn't have anything to do with the hanukkah party

you went to at the Goldbergs' last night, does it?

It's chanukkah. And, yes. You weren't there.

You don't understand how 5,000 years of persecution

- can bond a people... - Snooze. Christmas is the best.

Other holidays would kill to be Christmas.

Passover and labor day would be like, "maybe if we joined forces..."

and Christmas would be like, "yeah? Good luck with that."

- Meshuggeneh, right? - Don't patronize me.

I think it's perfectly healthy

that Eve is questioning her spiritual identity.

- When I was studying psychology... - You didn't study psychology.

- You were admitted for observation. - Joke's on you.

I just acted crazy 'cause I thought the Doctor was cute.

Yeah, joke's on me.

Hey, buddy. Big day today, huh?

Want to help me bake some cookies for Santa later?

Nah, you can do it.

You did this.

- Did what? - You dropped the ball.

You stopped cultivating the magic of Christmas for him.

- Now he's slowly turning dead inside. - I cultivate plenty of magic.

- Yeah, you do. - Thank you.

When I was eight, I entrusted you with a letter

to Santa asking for a Matchbox car.

Well, I can only assume that that letter

never reached the North Pole because I never got said car.

If it's any consolation, you're not getting a real car either.

If Graham grows up too quickly, what's Christmas morning gonna be...

a bunch of adults hanging out, waiting till noon

to open gifts so they can eat asparagus frittatas?

Ian, Graham's eight. Eventually he's gonna find out...

[shouts nonsense]

If I have anything to say about it,

that kid is not gonna figure out a single thing.

- You're just the man for the job. - Damn straight. [clicks tongue]

Wait. Was that a slam?

- No. - Okay, cool. Thanks, Dad.

[upbeat music]

1x11 - "Christmas"

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

Annie's gonna love this. Oh, Mike, this is gorgeous.

- Why the turtle? - It's my nickname for Annie.

She's resilient but vulnerable.

She has that tough, hard-shell exterior,

but inside she's soft and squishy.

That doesn't sound like a turtle. That sounds like a marshmallow M&M...

Which I think I just invented.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Henry.

- I got you a little something. - I got you something too.

A Starbucks gift card with 100 bucks on it.

Could have gone 50, but with 100, you get the free French press.

- Hmm? - Open it.

Oh, wow. That is incredibly nice.

- Y-you shouldn't have. - Oh, don't be silly. It was nothing.

I had it special-made for you, it's monogrammed,

and your favorite Edward R. Murrow quote

- is stitched into the lining. - You really shouldn't have.

It's just a small token of my gratitude for having the opportunity

to work with someone who inspires me every single day.

You're probably wondering what I got you.

I'll just grab it now.

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[chuckles]

Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god. - Yep. So there it is.

- No undoing it. - And it has a turtle on it...

Because I went to University of Maryland.

That's right. Go, Terrapins.

Thanks for watching Graham.

I just have a few more papers to grade.

No problem, but I'm taking this fruitcake with me,

because I'm kind of zooming on nog right now.

I really appreciate you keeping an eye on him.

I really appreciatyoyou keeping an eye on her.

Yep. I'm on it.

My gift for Mike was so amazing.

If Leigh found out what it was, she'd try and horn in on it,

so, yeah, I tricked her. Christmas is an ugly business.

Have fun.

Letter to Santa. From Graham.

Sitting open on the back of the toilet like some redbook magazine.

I can't believe you. If he had seen this, pah, game over.

Did you even get him what he asked for?

Ian, I have been all over town trying to find that toy for Graham.

I got punched in the boob by two different moms

because apparently space dog is very popular.

[groans] Okay, you know what?

You may not care about this,

but I am getting him that space fish.

Uch, such bickering.

- Can we go for ice cream? - It's five degrees outside.

Can we go if I tell you what Mom's up to?

I already know. She's grading papers.

Wait. She doesn't grade papers until New Year's morning,

hungover with a bloody mary in the bathtub.

- What is she up to? - Ice cream.

Fine. But then you're gonna spill it...

the info, not the ice cream.

In gold. With the turtle charm.

You have one left? That's great.

Great. Put it on hold, I'll be there in half an hour.

Good news. Susan called in sick.

So you're anchoring tonight.

- Welcome home, sweet prince. - Harris, that's bad news.

Yeah, for our competitors.

Mike Henry, back in the driver's seat,

working that clutch, hugging them curves.

Put the Ferrari back in the garage, man.

- I got to be somewhere. - Yeah, at the anchor desk.

Look at her. She's calling to you.

"Hey, Mike, it's me.

I miss you. I want you behind me."

- Okay, you touched me with your lips. - I'm aware of that.

- Okay, enough. - Oh, come on, man.

Listen, my hurt feelings aside,

you're contractually obligated, so anchor up.

Mike, no, you can't anchor tonight of all nights.

We have to do our gift exchange. My gift is time-sensitive.

Okay, fine. Just get home as soon as you possibly can.

Remember how I said my gift this year was amazing?

Well, it was. Check that.

He was.

Everything's fine... Mr. Sting.

Oh, just "Sting." "Sting" works.

- Cookies? - I didn't get to look this good

- by eating cookies. - Oh.

Mind you, it is Christmas. I'll have one.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Here's my card. It's on hold under my name.

Okay, but don't take this as an endorsement

of the capitalist orgy known as "Gift-mas."

That's what I now call Christmas.

- Yeah, I get it. - Wait. But I thought

- you already got Mom something. - I did, but I gave it away...

- to Kay. - 18-karat gold.

What the hell, Dad? Are you shtupping her?

No. Are you seriously asking me that, or is it just an excuse to use Yiddish?

I'm just saying, why did you get her something so nice?

- Out of guilt. - Now this I understand.

I'm so sorry, Sting, but Mike is just running a little bit late.

- No problem. - Even though Mike's a huge fan,

I just never really got into Sting. I'm more of a hair-band girl.

But I pulled a few strings

when I found out that we had the same Doctor...

An ear, nose, and throat guy.

I had strep. He had nodes.

And then our hands met over an old copy of people.

I hope this isn't a stereotype, but I went ahead and made some tea.

Oh, no, I don't mind at all.

I mean, after all, I am an Englishman in New York.

And I'm an American in an apartment. [both chuckles]

No, no, no.

I'm an alien

I'm a legal alien

I'm an Englishman in New York

Oh, the song! Oh!

I love that song from that... album that you did.

You want some honey?

- Oh, come on. - Ian, what's wrong?

- I can't, not in front of him. - You're worried about him?

He's 100% focused on that ice cream.

Watch. Sweetie, I fed your dog to a dragon.

See? Nothing.

I am trying to get him a space fish, and every store in town is sold out.

Well, I don't know if this will help, but I know a guy who can get things.

What do you mean, "get things"?

You know, like, things that "fall off trucks,"

That he "steals." You want me to call him?

I will try anything at this point.

Where am I? I'm cold.

The Mayor's office is expected to release a report in the New Year.

I got to say... it felt great being back,

giving the people of New York the important news of the day.

And when we return, move over Felix and Oscar.

There's a new odd couple in town...

a lamb and a monkey are friends.

The news used to be... "newsier."

[cell phone vibrates]

Yes.

Drink this. You need to stay hydrated.

- Thank you. - Funny story...

because of your gift, I broke up with my fiance.

[coughing] You what?

The necklace was so amazing, and it made me realize

I deserve better.

Kevin's never done anything this thoughtful for me.

Kevin... that's my fiance's name.

Oh, ex-fiance. I've got to get used to saying that.

But it was the right thing to do.

I mean, he got me a Starbucks gift card for Christmas.

A Starbucks gift card is nothing to sneeze at.

They sell CDs now.

Honestly, I should have done this a long time ago.

You just gave me the kick in the pants that I needed.

Would it help if I took back the necklace?

Hey, Mike, I just got off the phone with the Bronx Zoo.

We got to kill the monkey-lamb story.

- Why? - The monkey killed the lamb.

Could have seen that coming.

You just vamp. You're the king of vamping.

Just... [upbeat music]

Norad is reporting a strange jingling noise over Hoboken,

and now let's check in on what's happening

in the world of sports, with Clint Matthews.

So sports, then weather, and then he'll be done.

- I promise. - Oh, it's fine, Annie, really.

I'm kind of eager to see how that lamb-monkey story plays out.

- That's so nice. - Oh. It's my pleasure.

I'm prepared to sit here for as long as it takes.

"As long as it takes"... love that song.

- Not a song, just talking. - Oh.

Mind you, it's not a bad title.

- As long as it takes

- as long as it takes

- I'll work on it. - Oh, okay.

All right, I got you the ice cream

and the hot cocoa because you were too cold

from the ice cream. Now, what's your mom up to?

She got Dad a famous singer for his Christmas present.

He's upstairs right now.

- Oh, my god. Who is it? - It's Jim?

Maybe Joe. Something with a "J" in it.

- This cocoa's mine now. - He plays the piano.

Is it Billy Joel?

I think so. Give me the cocoa.

Billy Joel's upstairs right now in my building?

We are going up there.

Wait. What, are you crazy?

I can't go up there looking like this.

I have to do some crunches.

Stand on my feet!

Excuse me. Uh, I'm looking for a guy named Chris.

Chris! There's some dude here to see you!

You must be Ian. I've been waiting for you.

[laughs]

Has anyone ever told you, you kind of look like...

Clooney? Yeah, I get that all the time.

Uh, how can I help you?

This is Mike Henry telling you to stay informed

and wishing you nothing but peace and joy this holiday season.

Son of a... Damn it!

- What happened? - Sorry, Dad.

But apparently somebody got there and bought it

- ten minutes before me. - But I had it on hold!

Well, turns out cold, hard cash beats "on hold,"

especially on Christmas. Oy.

Okay, do me a favor... go back in there, buy anything.

- I'll take a toe ring at this point. - The store closed.

Everything closed. It's Christmas eve.

Okay, honey, I'll take it from here.

- Hey, Mike. - Yeah, I know, I crushed it.

Email me your compliments. I gotta go.

- Oh, you can't go. - Why not?

Welcome back to continuous coverage of storm watch '13.

I'm told it's coming down pretty hard out there,

so we'll bring it to you live...

all night if we have to.

The snow is not letting up, so expect delays getting home.

And if you have a gift exchange planned,

you might want to reschedule it to the morning...

late morning.

Look, you've got to know this one.

If you love somebody, set them free.

- Totally. - Sing it for me.

if you...

Can't do it.

Seriously, you don't know any of my songs?

Message in a Bottle, Roxanne, Fields of Gold?

- I'm sorry. - Objectively speaking,

and I have no dog in this fight, but these are massive hits.

It's not ego. Trust me.

I shed that years ago through transcendental meditation.

The truth is, and I don't even know how this happened,

but I have a black hole of knowledge when it comes to your music.

But Mike loves you. And all of this was for him.

[voice breaking] And it would have absolutely demolished

any gift that he got for me.

I'll tell you what...

let's go down to the studio and surprise him.

- What? You'd really do that? - Yeah, I'm a romantic.

You don't play the lute and not believe deeply in love.

- You play the lute? - Quit while you're ahead.

- Let's go. - I'm so sorry.

There's the space fish.

- I knew I had one. - Yes!

Oh, my god, you would not believe

how hard it is to...

to go anywhere without seeing one of those,

so you're gonna have to do pretty good on the price.

[chuckles] Just take it.

It's nice you care so much about your little brother.

This is amazing. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, I have something for you, too.

It's a 1967 Ford Mustang...

made famous by the turn-of-the-century classic

Gone in 60 Seconds.

This is exactly what I wanted.

- How did you... - Just had a hunch.

Merry Christmas, Ian.

Got to go. I have a busy night tonight.

[laughing]

Thanks so much for stopping.

It sucks you have to work on Christmas.

Ah, it doesn't bother me.

- I'm Jewish. - Me too.

I mean, I wasn't born Jewish,

and I'm not a practicing Jew... ish person,

- but it really speaks to me. - That's great.

You want me to cut across the Park or take 57th Street?

My parents think that I'm just rebelling, but that's totally not true.

[scoffs] I mean, Christmas is stupid.

- It's so commercialized. - Really? I love Christmas.

- You do? - Yeah, of course.

When someone gets in my cab with the perfect gift

for a loved one, you'll never see a happier person.

- Yeah, but don't you think... - What's to think about?

The one day of the year that brings everyone together...

there's got to be something to that, right?

- Can you just drop me off here? - Sure.

Anyone home?

It's just me, your single sister-in-law

who loves Long Island.

[cell phone vibrates] Your phone's buzzing.

- Annie! Billy. - It's a text from Mom.

- She went to Dad's work. - What?

This is turning into one of the heaviest snowstorms

New York has seen in years. Now, if we look here...

in central Sudan... it's dry as a bone.

I'm sorry. I'm not good with these touchscreens.

Now we'll get closer.

Okay, we're zooming in. We're zooming in very close.

Do I see a guy?

Well, let's check in with Trent at News 4 weather desk.

[cell phone vibrates] And we're clear.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, no.

What are you doing, man? You got to get back out there.

I got to get a gift for Annie.

Oh, here we go... staple remover...

and a stapler.

It's a set. It's a set of the worst gifts ever.

Mike Henry! You ruined my life!

Kevin?! What are you doing here?!

- You're banging her, aren't you? - What? No.

Well, who the hell gives his coworker a gold necklace?

Oh! [all gasp]

- Oh, my god. - Whoa. Thank you...

Sting.

Damn. Talk about the King of Pain.

Thank you. Finally.

Well, the worst has passed, but New York will be digging

- out of this one for days. - Look at him up there.

His hair's still mussed up from his dustup,

and he's still going strong. How come nobody fixed his hair?

Once again, this is Mike Henry

wishing you a safe and happy holiday season.

We're clear.

[applause]

You were right. Your gift literally kicks ass.

Pleasure to meet you

and discover your truly impressive combat skills.

Well, if you're gonna play the lute,

you need to learn to throw a punch.

Where is he? Where's Billy?

Wait. Sting? Graham, this isn't Billy Joel.

- Sorry to disappoint. - What are you talking about?

You're Sting. Forget about Billy Joel.

Why are we even talking about him?

He's stupid. God, that smile.

It's always nice to meet a fan.

Listen, would you sign these Billy Joel CDs?

No problem. As myself or as Billy Joel?

Either one. Let's get some nog.

Listen, honey, about my gift for you...

I got it! I got it, Dad!

You got it? Eve's got it.

Sorry it took me so long. I had to walk, like, 40 blocks.

Here you go, Mom, from Dad.

Trust me.

Oh...

Salami and French bread...

Just like we had our very first Christmas eve.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

You're perfect.

Maybe Christmas isn't so bad.

Uh, is that who I think it is?

Where's Trudie these days?

Yeah, you missed a lot.

Family, you can stop worrying. I'm here.

- I totally forgot about him. - Yeah.

And I got space fish.

But you knew that already, didn't you?

- Huh? - Come on, Mom...

[chuckling] who do you think you're dealing with?

Setting up Aunt Leigh to give me the phone number,

sending me to the restaurant with the Christmas lights,

the space fish you probably bought weeks ago.

- Mm... - The Matchbox car?

Okay, Ian, if you're on drugs, you need to tell me, okay?

- We can get you help. - Even if you're not.

Wait. If it wasn't you, then...

Don't tell me I don't know how to keep the magic alive.

Ding.

And he had a big, white beard, and his Tt-shirt was covered

in marinara sauce as rosy as his cheeks.

Sometimes a gift can come from the last place you'd expect.

It's not always the expensive things that mean the most.

What was that about... hiding a rock star from me?

I know, I know, but to make it up to you,

I got you a massage at the red door spa.

Ooh. 120 minutes, hot stone.

We're square.

Other times, just go with expensive.

I watch them drawn into the night

beneath the August moon

and in my

private moments

I drop the mask

that I've been forced to wear

August winds... I know this!

but no one knows this secret me

This one you know?

where albeit unconsciously

I count the boats returning

from the sea

I count the boats returning

from the sea

Let's face it... Annie crushed me.

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