Original subtitles

Oh, hey, honey. You look sharp.

- Got your power heels on. - Oh, these?

No, these are just regular men's loafers you can buy in any store.

And I put three or four insoles in so it's easier to do this.

- Ugh, get a room. - Hey, these are all our rooms.

You get a room. Seriously, why are you dressed up?

Oh, Harris called me in. He finally set up a big interview for me.

Tonight, I get to ask the tough questions.

- Who are you interviewing, Dad? - Didn't ask. Probably should've.

Tough questions start now.

- You... - Are you on shore leave, honey?

It was swim test day in gym, and when I got back to my locker,

- this was all that was left in there. - Sounds like some smooth criminal

picked a perfect day to bribe the janitors to swipe your gym bag.

Sha-boof! You've been pranked.

I had to ride the subway like this. It sucked!

Although a nice old woman did thank me for my service.

Next time, don't take the last mozzarella stick.

I had to drink the sauce like an animal.

That's what this is about? Fine.

You want a prank war? You got a prank war!

Loved you on the cracker jack box.

- Upstairs. - How's the job search going, Ian?

- Still haven't got that rent check. - I'm all over it.

While I'm waiting for my company to monetize,

I'm searching for the perfect day job.

I posted my resume on Linkedin. Let the feeding frenzy begin.

You gonna help me out with this?

I won't forget that, buddy.

Guys, bad news.

That writers' group I've been trying to get into?

- They accepted me. - You'll get past this?

No, I have to host these guys once a month.

I can't have published writers sitting on a couch

I found in a dumpster in college.

We fought off raccoons for that thing.

Exactly. And while it may be cute to have a raccoon

couch in your 20s, I'm dipping my toe into my 30s...

- Your toe is 12 years long? - I'm serious, Michael.

This group could be my big break.

And you know I hate to ask, but couches are expensive.

So maybe you could just loan me a little...

Oh, hey. It's my literary agent.

Hey, Vernon.

Every time she comes up here, she wants something.

And every time she comes up here, I end up giving it to her.

I gotta break this cycle of dependency.

Mike, you know what happens when you say "no" to Leigh.

The problem just becomes bigger.

Remember when you refused to pay for her life coach?

- The one who ended up in rehab? - Yes, she was so upset,

- you had to pay for her grief counselor. - The one who killed himself?

Just please buy the couch, Mike.

Well, my agent is leaving me to become a dental hygienist.

"He'd rather look at the inside of people's mouths than my writing."

- That was a quote. - Maybe you'll get a discount?

No, I already asked. Now I need this couch more than ever.

How many people need to die, Mike?

- We'll get you the couch. - You're the best!

I already have one on hold. I'm gonna go get it right now.

Oh, hey, can I borrow your umbrella? It looks like it's gonna rain.

- Yeah, that's why I need it. - Michael, I just did my hair.

Take the umbrella.

- See, that was easy. - And I'll just take Eve's umbrella.

1x08 - Bed Bugs

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Mr. Henry, you're soaked. Can you be in the rain with your condition?

Kay, I have Parkinson's. I'm not a witch.

I'll get you my gym towel. I barely perspired.

The doctors say I have dangerously undersized sweat glands.

Well, then don't run, for Pete's sake.

- Hello? - Good news... I got a vintage couch,

so I saved us some money. Bad news...

In the cold light of day, the upholstery pattern

looks like a bunch of sperms.

It sounds like paisley. It sounds fine.

No, no, no, no, no. It's totally fine.

But is it fine like how drugstore jeans are fine?

Like, when the buttons turn your belly green,

and the pockets are just drawn on?

Here's what I'm thinking... we reupholster...

- for just a little more money... - All right, enough.

Leigh, I love you, but you have to start taking care of your own life.

You have to pick out your own upholstery.

The bloodsucking has to stop now.

Hey, splash mountain.

- Ready for your big in-studio? - Absolutely.

Oh, you better bring your "A" game

because you're going toe-to-toe with Dr. Jeffrey...

Scratch-a-bottom.

A cat? You want me to interview a cat?

Well, it can say, "Hello."

- That could be anything. - Well, the internet decided it's "hello."

When I came out of retirement, it was to interview people

like Desmond Tutu and Cory Booker and Mayor Bloomberg.

It was, you know, humans.

So that's a "no" on interviewing Lance Armstrong's bike?

No, I'm just kidding. We could never get Livestrong 3000.

All right. Well, I'll get you something good.

I promise. Now go interview this cat.

See? Bone dry. You should see me in a sauna.

Was that inappropriate?

So what do you want to talk about?

Nice try on the prank.

I found the saran wrap you put on the toilet.

Poked a hole in it. 80% went right through.

- You didn't take it off? - I work smart. Not hard.

I don't have time for this anyway. I got a bite on my online resume.

I'm having dinner tomorrow night with the C-E-Oh-no-he-didn't.

But, yes, he did. We're really having dinner.

The saran wrap was a decoy prank.

The real prank is the CEO, because there is no CEO.

I set the whole thing up.

I'm really proud of you, Ian. You are on a rocket ride to the top.

- Your words. - There's a force field on the toilet!

Mom!

I tell you, it felt so good to stand up to Leigh today.

I can feel the power coursing... through my body.

On the way home, I hailed a cab using only the power of my mind.

Mike, you said "no" to your sister over the phone.

And you're using the weights I use in ballet class.

I'm also using your anklets. Look out.

Okay, first off, I'm not mad at you.

- Well, that's good to know. - But that couch

you wouldn't reupholster? It's full of bed bugs.

- Leigh, that's horrible. - Yeah, I fell asleep on that thing

for ten minutes... woke up covered in bites.

I had to strip down, take a searing hot shower,

and crouch-run naked to the laundry room to get a towel.

Went right by Roland "the Super" who didn't even look up,

- so he is obviously a gay. - That would do it...

This is a disaster! Everything I own is down there.

My spoons...

That's just one example. I'm too frazzled to make a list.

Okay, all right, let's get you covered up,

'cause I'm getting a little up-towel action.

Mike, you know I hate to ask you,

- but hotels are expensive... - No, no, no.

I'm not paying for a hotel. You're an adult.

- You can solve this problem on your own. - You're right.

I'm just gonna have to suck it up and...

- stay with you. - It'd be cheaper than a hotel.

- She could take the couch. - That's great, you know.

Wait, what time do the kids get up again?

- Because I'm a pretty naked sleeper. - I'll take the couch.

You're wearing pink ankle weights?

What kind of stuff are you guys into?

Priscilla, Priscilla, Priscilla...

Pack your bags. It's time for your exit.

She called you fake! Punch her in the implants.

- What is this, Downton Abbey? - Bad Girls Club. For work.

I have to write my online recap.

Entertainment Weekly called them "total garbage."

Well, at least you're on their radar.

I gotta turn this off before the kids see their first nipple ring.

- What, did you give birth to that? - It's just a little lotion.

I may have gotten all the height in the family,

- but you got all the moisture. - Yeah, I'm genetically blessed.

- So where are we on exterminator? - I get it, moisty.

You want me out. Don't worry. I'm on it.

- Mornin'. - Morning.

- You have a cheese doodle in your hair. - What?

- Doodle. - Doodle.

So you're still glad you said "no" to Leigh?

I wouldn't have had to say "no" if I hadn't said "yes" to the couch.

Remind me again, whose idea was that?

Oh, I can't remember, but she sounds cool.

Who cares if I had to spend a night on the couch?

I mean, the important thing is I said "no" to her, and she's learning.

- Is she? - She will. Eventually.

Would you give up on a student after one bad day?

All the time... by lunch on the first day, five kids are dead to me.

See, this is why I'm a better teacher than you.

- Oh, that went completely soft. - Yeah, it was disgusting.

What's this? Just my resume.

Double embossed on white linen 80-pound card stock.

A lot of high school clubs on here. Impressive.

It's for my meeting with the head of a top secret start-up.

I tried to google him, but there's, like, a million David Johnsons.

I'm not new at this.

It says here you speak conversational French.

I could survive in Paris.

Oui.

I wasn't speaking French.

Yeah, that's great news. Thanks.

Yes. Yes! Exterminator's coming today.

She'll be out at the end of the week. No more couch sleeping!

Yeah, Mike. That's great, that's great.

But you're in the shot.

If you could just point at these notes

- while we walk away... - Come on.

Sorry, I'm in a good mood. Just knowing the end is near

- makes it all seem bearable. - Yeah.

Like going to a play with a flat-chested woman.

Look at this. Look what she does to my socks.

She puts them on her big, giant feet and she stretches them out.

Look at this turkey gobble. Look at that.

Yeah, so much saggy material. Like a blouse on a flat-chested woman.

- How'd your date go last night? - The play was all right. Hey, look.

I got a real interview this time.

Tomorrow you're going toe-to-toe with Chris Christie.

- No, really? - Yeah.

- That's fantastic! - Yeah.

- I gotta go prepare. - All right.

If this turns out to be a cat in a windbreaker,

- I'm gonna murder you. - Mike, you're in the shot!

You're throwing shit in my fuckin' bed while I'm sleeping.

- Oh! - Okay, enough bad girls club.

I'm gonna be working in the dining room.

- I gotta prepare my big interview with... - Shh! Cheyenne is talking.

What, has Aunt Leigh got you watching this too?

Don't you have a paper to write?

Her weave is in the confessional.

Wait a minute, did she just take her hair off?

It's just a busted-ass weave, Dad.

- Let the peacocking begin. - What the hell is "peacocking"?

It's when you add a flashy accessory to an upscale suit.

It's an instant conversation starter at a job interview.

Well, let me start a conversation...

Where'd you get the money to buy the suit?

Oh, I cashed in the savings bond Grandma gave me.

There was a penalty because it hadn't matured.

But I have. Thanks for the advice, Aunt Leigh.

If you want to stand out in business, you have to look the part.

You gotta spend money to make money.

No. No, see, you have to make money to spend money.

That's a peacock sound. Gotta fly.

Peacocks don't fly.

- Hey, Dad. Have you seen my iPod? - Whoa, buddy. What are you doing?

We don't walk around the house naked.

Oh, yeah, we do. I saw Aunt Leigh this morning

chugging orange juice in the kitchen naked.

Turn it up!

Leigh had taken over the house. I had two options...

Confront the problem directly or...

This is where you're prepping for your Christie interview?

Yeah, it's easier to focus in here, and if I get hungry,

- there's dried cranberry in the potpourri. - I see.

A lazy mind might think that it would've been easier

for you to just buy Leigh that upholstery.

Where would the lesson be in that?

- I've broken the cycle, honey. - Yes. Yes, you have.

And all it cost me was a couple nights on a sofa

and getting up extra early and working in the bathroom

and typing on a hamper... oh, god, please, honey.

You gotta help me. You gotta get rid of her.

Okay, okay, okay. Um... I'll take her out tonight.

I will soften her up with a few drinks and then

I will gently suggest that she get the hell out of here.

But just for the record, I predicted all of this.

- Even the toilet? - No, that was just a fun bonus.

Just so you know, the Fonz's office was in a bathroom.

- Honey, you are so not the Fonz. - Hey!

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Thank you.

It's easy to prank Ian because he's so sure of himself.

Often wrong, never in doubt.

The plan was for him to eventually give up and ask for the check.

Then I'd have the waitress bring him

a single mozzarella stick and a sailor cap.

Sha-boof.

It was supposed to be funny.

But it wasn't.

Shh. Mike has a very big interview tomorrow.

I think I know how to sneak into a dark apartment.

Oh, that came out of nowhere.

- Hi. - It's 2:00 in the morning!

Whatever, Mike o'Clock.

Okay, that... that is funny because you are not Irish.

- Huh? - Also 'cause we're drunk.

The bartender gave us free drinks every time we kissed each other.

Oh, great, you reawakened "College Annie."

Oh, no. "College Annie" would've used tongue.

- I would have. - My wife is kissing my sister.

That's... that's fun. You know what else is fun?

Going to bed immediately. I've got to get some sleep.

You are absolutely, totally right.

And we are gonna pull it together for you.

- Pizza! Pizza! - Oh, pucker up!

I want free crazy bread.

- No! No kissing for bread! - Hey, Mr. Pizza man.

Where the hell have you been? We're on in 5 minutes!

Looking good, Mr. Henry. I can't lie to you.

You look like you slept in a ditch.

I didn't get much sleep last night. My sister kissed my wife

and then threw up crazy bread all over the couch.

Oh, so you had a party and didn't invite ??

Let's go, let's do this.

- Oh! No, no, no, no. - Okay, well...

he's over here where all the cameras and the lights are.

- Hello, Governor. - Mike, great to see you.

- Thanks for having me on. - My pleasure.

- Great. - You're crushing my hand.

- Oh, sorry. - Hello, I'm Mike Henry.

Today we'll be speaking to the Governor of New Jersey,

- Chris Christie. Governor, welcome. - Mike, thanks for having me.

I'm so glad to see you back doing your job.

And, you know, I find your story just so inspiring...

in fact, I think it's so inspiring. There's been a lot of speculation

about things, and I feel so inspired today.

I think I should make an announcement. So Mike...

Wake him up!

Hi.

Muffins!

Uh... Well, we'll get to that question later.

Why do I even bother?

- Oh... - Someone's got a hangover.

No, just a little party headache with some good-time nausea.

- What are you doing? - Making omelets for me and Ian.

Oh, that's sweet.

I wish your father and your aunt were as close as you.

Hey, where'd this crazy bread come from?

- You seriously don't remember? - This is exactly what I need.

I just... oh, god, no. Whoa, too soon. Too soon.

- Want an omelet? - You probably put your butt on them,

and since I'm not partial to butt omelets, I shall pass.

You seem to be in a good mood.

Johnson was actually a no-show last night,

but I got an email from him apologizing.

I had to let him down easy.

He said I'd have been an Insta-hire

if they'd not just relocated to Poughkeepsie last night.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

- So I'm going to Poughkeepsie. - Wait, what?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a train to catch.

Wait... Ian?!

Leigh, we have to ta... Oh, what is that?

Pole dancing.

It's so empowering, and it's really good for your core.

How did you... nevermind.

Look, I fell asleep during my big interview with...

Scissor grab!

- I can really feel the burn, Mike. - Take the burn downstairs.

It should be aired out now the exterminator's gone.

Oh, the exterminator came, but he didn't spray.

- He didn't what?! - When he told me how

toxic that stuff was, I sent him on his way.

Hopefully to get an even deadlier chemical

that will get you out of here faster.

Don't worry. My nutritionist said to burn sage.

It usually takes about two to three weeks.

"Two to three weeks"? And this time line is coming

from your nutritionist, so it means... nothing!

Calm down, Mike. You'd think you were the one with bed bugs.

I do have bed bugs, Leigh. You're my bed bug!

You've infested my house, you've destroyed our lives,

I've gotta get you out of here now!

That's the only thing in this house you haven't put lotion on.

That's it. I'm doing it myself.

- What? - The exterminator was booked.

So I slipped him 100 bucks. He gave me the pesticides.

I got bombs, I got sprays,

I got the stuff they put in car batteries.

Are you seriously still in bed?

This is what happens when you say "no" to Leigh.

This is what happens when you drink Jager shots with Leigh.

That's all the protection you're using?

I got a brain disease. What are a few chemicals gonna do to me?

Ian! Ian!

- Ian! - Eve, what are you doing here?

There is no David Johnson. I made it up.

This was my prank to get you back.

I-I never meant for it to get this far.

I feel terrible.

Nice try.

All aboard track 19 for Poughkeepsie.

Gotta run. See you when I see you.

Watching Ian, I didn't feel bad anymore.

I was actually jealous.

He might not have it all figured out, but once he does,

there is absolutely nothing that'll stop him.

This will take ten years off your face.

But I'm only eight.

Aunt Leigh is making us all mud masks. You want one?

- Don't you still have a paper to write? - I finished it.

Eight pages on the addictive qualities of reality TV.

I've never been more productive

because my reward was more bad girls club.

I guess knowledge isn't its own reward.

So the peacocking paid off.

I was on the train to Poughkeepsie,

- long story... - Don't need to hear it.

When this guy said he liked my style. Turns out he works for Today's Man.

So I turned up the charm, and sha-dank! Job offer...

- sales associate. - So you're a suit salesman?

No, I'm a suit givesman

because we're basically just giving them away. Boom!

First month's rent.

Wow. I suppose you had something to do with this.

No, he did this all on his own.

Sure, maybe Leigh only comes up here when she wants something.

But sometimes that something...

is just to be around her family.

Hey, listen, I know I've been a giant pain in the ass.

So I'm just gonna get cleaned up, and I'll be out of your way.

Leigh, are these supposed to tingle?

That's how you know the cayenne pepper's working.

I'm guessing no one knew about the cayenne pepper.

It's great. It's like sticking your face in an anthill.

Okay, let's go, guys. Let's take these off.

People, you can't jump midstream. It'll never...

Oh, god, it's up my nose.

It's in my nose! It's in my nose!

That's a good look for you.

Your skin looks so good! Really good for your sinuses.

That's the weird thing about siblings.

They're with you your whole life...

- Can we call a truce on the prank war? - Course. Oh.

And by the way, I got you a can of peanut brittle.

And even though you think you know them...

Uh-huh. Okay. "Peanut brittle."

They still surprise you.

Listen, I've been thinking.

About the bed bug thing, I think sage is the responsible choice.

I just want you to know that you're welcome to stay

- here as long as you want. - Thanks, Mike. Really.

But I'm going to crash at Carol's.

I really love your family, but they can be exhausting.

I can only give so much, you know.

Was Carol's always an option?

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