Original subtitles

Guess who's going on a getaway to the most

- romantic place ever? - Fiji?

We're finally doing it? [Gasps]

I'm gonna get to swim with a sea turtle!

You know what's kinda like swimming in Fiji?

Golfing in New Jersey.

But we can look at sea turtles on YouTube.

I do that every weekend. That's not the same.

Come on, honey. CNBC charity golf event.

Ugh, those things are so boring for me.

You always end up getting pulled into a million photo-ups

and I spend the weekend politely golf clapping.

I clap big, Mike. You knew that when you married me.

I just don't like all the attention.

- Oh, yeah, really, Mike? - Well, maybe I do, but,

this isn't about that.

The event's being held at the Shore Side Manor.

Uh, game changer.

Shore Side Manor is where Mike proposed to me 20 years ago.

We were pretty broke back then,

so we had to stay in the worst room in the hotel.

They call it garden view, but the only thing we viewed

was a bunch of golfers peeing.

We were right between the front nine and the back nine.

I actually saw a ***.

This time we're going to an ocean view suite.

And I'll hit a few balls,

and the rest of the time will be nothing but romance.

- You promise. - I'll be ***,

and we will bury our eggs of romance in the sand,

forget it, come here.

Oh! You people are machines.

Can't there be one room in this house

where people are not kissing?

Yeah, that'd be your room, Ian.

- [Laughs mockingly] - Oh, Mike. Come on.

You know we've made out plenty of times in Ian's room.

Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Da, da, da

da, da, da

da, da, da, da

da, da, da, da, da, da

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

Hey!

[Chatter on TV]

- Mom, we're out of cereal! - Shh.

Mom's on vacation.

Right now I'm easing into a hammock,

I'm relaxed--

are none of you using your coaster?

Oh, boy, we gotta get you out of here.

Well, Felix canceled on me.

I'm pretty sure it's over.

Oh, no. You liked him.

He never tried to steal your identity.

He was a real catch.

I had this whole spread prepared.

Guess it's just another Saturday night

with nothing to do for Old Aunt Leigh.

Except babysit Graham, or have you forgotten?

Michael, what are you implying?

I could never forget my baby nephew.

I totally forgot.

Hope you're hungry, buddy.

I made a big dinner that was in no way

inspired by 9 1/2 Weeks.

Bye, dad.

Okay, kiddos. We gotta boogie.

The place is yours.

Don't have too much fun without us.

- Love you. Bye. - We won't.

We'll miss you.

Those trusting fools.

We rented out the apartment for the weekend

'cause we're geniuses.

You can make a killing online

for a four-bedroom, two-bath in Manhattan.

- Dog in the kennel? - Check.

- Sheets changed? - Check.

Mints on the pillow?

For that resort feel.

Ooh, maybe they'll leave a tip.

It feels so good to be back here.

Oh, damn, I left my bikini in the car.

Annie, it's 56 degrees outside.

Hey, I am laying by that pool.

- You let me have this. - Mr. Henry...

Mind if we take a picture?

- You're a real inspiration to us. - Oh, thanks, guys.

- But I'm kind of with my wife-- - No, no, no, no, it's fine.

You greet your public,

and I will go and get my swimsuit.

Okay, well, lift me up. I'll lie across your arms.

Get one on my camera too.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Enjoy your stay.

- Hey, how are you? - Welcome.

- Thanks. - [Clears throat]

Uh, I was in line.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

Well, I know I'm short, but I'm not that short.

Uh, no, I didn't see you because I'm blind.

Just checking in. Here's my ID.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't notice you were blind, but--

But-- but-- but-- but-- but-- but what?

But you're still in front of me in line.

Oh, because I'm blind I don't know where I am in line?

No, you totally do. It's just that--

You know what, hold that thought.

- Just let me finish. - Here you are.

Thank you very much.

Now, by all means.

Vernon. [Scoffs]

Well, as long as you're done.

Hi, checking in. Mike Henry.

Great, we've got you in a garden view suite.

Oh, no, no.

We were expecting an ocean view suite.

Oh.

That gentleman just got the last one.

Really?

Kind of seems like a waste of an ocean view suite.

Because...

I got it.

Here's your key.

I had a third date tonight, but the guy canceled

at the last minute.

Not a good sign.

Why?

Third date's make or break--

You take him home, feed him some figs,

then he looks into your eyes and says

those three words you've been longing to hear--

"I'm getting divorced."

Tommy's parents are divorced.

Good story.

Yep, I guess Old Aunt Leigh's

just destined to be dateless.

I'll be your date.

Oh.

Such a gentleman.

Why is your hair a different color

on the top of your head?

Gentlemen don't ask questions, Graham.

- [Shivers] - Annie, you must be freezing.

Mind over matter-- Needed to keep the vacation spirit alive

since we didn't get the ocean view suite.

Oh, good news.

I booked us a couples massage.

So I figured we could skip the banquet,

have a quiet, romantic dinner for two.

Oh, that's inside, right?

Because I can't really feel my toes.

- Hey, Mike. - Hey, Harris.

Back in the game. Hey, Annie.

- Throw on a fleece. - I know.

So ready to get out there and raise some funds

for St. Abigail's Hospital?

I hope the answer's yes because those nuns

are breathing down my neck.

Harris, this smile opens wallets.

Watch this.

[Applause] Okay, get ready to duck.

And don't think you're safe back there either.

[Laughter]

Whoo! [Applause]

- That's my husband. - [Laughs]

Hate to be the guy who has to follow that.

Who am I partnered with anyway?

Oh, just a little someone by the name of Chaz Garrity.

The jazz musician.

He played the Kennedy Center.

He wrote the theme for our 5:00 News, Mike.

- [Gasps] Oh, I love that. - Yeah.

[Both scatting]

Hell of a golfer too.

Which is amazing,

considering his personal challenges.

There he is.

- That guy? - Yeah.

I'm raising funds here, Mike. Every celebrity helps.

So it's 1961,

and jazz musicians are celebrities again?

Hey, jazz is the only pure American art form.

Now go over there and say hello.

Yeah.

Hey, Chaz.

How you doing? I guess we're partners today.

This is kind of surprising, isn't it?

"Surprising"? Why, 'cause I'm blind?

Well, no, no. But because we met earlier.

And-- and, you know, I have Parkinson's.

So I know something about overcoming personal--

Obstacles?

- Is that what you were gonna say? - Obstacles, yeah.

Listen, I don't want to get dragged down

into your sad, negative world, dude.

I'm just here to play a game.

- [Applause] - "Sad"?

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Come on.

Whoo!

[Crowd cheering] Oh, wow.

That sounded good.

Hey, how far did that go? I couldn't see it.

[Laughter]

Nice shot.

[Scatting]

Yes! Oh, wow!

Listen to that!

Sounds like a birdie. [Applause]

Couples massage time.

You ready to make eye contact while another guy touches me?

Oh, honey. I-I gotta finish this game.

This Chaz guy called me out.

"Called you out"? What, are you 16?

You gonna drag race him down widow's curve?

Of course not, honey. He's blind. He can't drive.

I thought this weekend

you were just gonna hit a few balls

and the rest of the time was gonna be about us.

Thanks for understanding.

Is it hard? Yeah, sure.

But I've trained my hands to have sight

where my eyes don't.

Beautiful smile, by the way.

Give this guy your number.

- Chaz. - Yeah?

Can I give you a little tip

from one inspirational guy to another?

Everybody knows you're blind.

[Scoffs] Excuse me?

You're just-- you're milking it a little.

- I'm-- [Laughs] - Just a little.

I'm milking it?

Okay, I wasn't the one who said,

"I have Parkinson's. It's an obstacle."

Oh, how about you in the lobby today?

"I'm blind. I'm blind.

Give me a room with a view! I'm blind!"

Oh, wow, man, I came here to have fun,

and now I'm just seeing red.

Or at least my idea of what red is.

- Love you, Chaz! - Way to go, Chaz!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy, Mike.

We got a caddy for that.

Send him home.

I'm carrying this burden on my own.

[Applause] You're my hero, Mike.

And I'm gonna take his too.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sirens wail]

Hey, there, Larry.

I believe I spoke to your associate Maurice

on the phone.

We have a reservation under Ian Henry.

Sorry, kids.

If you want to hook up, do it somewhere else.

Wait, you think that we're a--

Ew, ew, ew, ew! Disgusting!

Come on, man. This is my sister.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Heard that before. - I got this.

Look, Lar, I think we got off on the wrong foot

with the whole incest thing.

Maybe my friend, President Jackson,

can help ease out the situation.

And have you met his twin brother,

second term President Jackson?

Sorry, can't help you guys.

I see what's going on here.

The second I get home, you're getting Yelped!

Okay? Yeah. Yeah, you.

I'm mentioning everything!

I'm mentioning this lobby, I'm mentioning this guy,

and the bears!

How does it feel to be three strokes

behind a man who's legally blind?

"Legally blind"?

Wait a minute, did you say "Legally blind"?

What does that mean? Can you see shapes?

I don't know. Can you see shapes?

Nobody saw that?

Nobody saw that? Unbelievable.

Nobody saw that.

Unbelievable.

- Come on, Chaz. - You can make it.

Okay.

Come on, Chaz.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Crowd ohs]

Come on, kid.

Mom, dad, help us out here, will you please?

For crying out loud.

My turn.

It's in the hole!

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, so just put pole "B" into grommet "Q."

And that should be good.

No hotel would take us, so we bought a tent for $200.

I think the guy who sold it to us ripped us off.

Yeah, and he definitely thought we were a couple.

What, are we giving off some sort of chemistry vibe?

- Oh, ew, gross. - You could do worse.

This isn't so bad.

We're making a tasty profit,

and we're out here enjoying nature.

It's a win-win.

No!

You didn't put anything in there to weigh it down?

No, just my wallet. Damn it! Oh!

You know what, let's just get out of here.

Seriously?

[Thunder]

Oh, come on!

Oh, this reminds me when I used to

throw tea parties as a kid.

My dolls would be the guests,

and I'd make Mike be the waiter.

Cool. Yeah. Totally.

Are you even listening, Graham?

Totally. Yeah.

You know what's on my mind

I want to feel your

Turns out going on a date with my eight-year-old nephew

is just like going on a date with any other guy.

I'm sorry I'm late, but it wasn't all for naught.

I got this.

- So you won. - Oh, God, no.

That's a participation trophy.

No, I came in 23rd.

But Chaz came in 25th.

Mike, I can't believe you ruined our weekend

all over some grudge match

with a perfectly nice blind person.

I thought I heard the voice of an adult

coming from the height range of a child.

Whoa.

You deliberately knocked over that bag,

so I'd miss that putt, you cheater.

Hey, my husband is not a cheater.

"Is," "Isn't..." It's not important.

What is important is that we have that romantic dinner

we talked about-- I'm thinking room service.

Skipping the banquet, huh?

Figured you'd be too ashamed to show your voice.

Wow, was I wrong about that guy.

What a jerk. And to call you a cheater?

Crazy, huh?

Well, at least that story's over with.

I'm feeling Italian. How about you?

No, screw romance.

We are going to that banquet.

How about Fiji? My treat.

Honey, we don't have to do this.

We can knock off, we can go take a long walk by the ocean.

Mike, it's the Atlantic.

We can see that garbage ocean from our apartment.

We're here to settle a score.

[Applause]

- Be cool. - Good evening.

On behalf of Channel Four News, thank you

for coming out to support the research wing

of St. Abigail's Hospital.

And today we raised over $1,500--

What? Was that it?

All right.

Well, I've been told we're switching

to a cash bar.

Enjoy your meals.

[Applause]

[Glass clinking]

I'd like to say a few words if I may.

Don't worry, I won't cheat you out of your dinners.

Because as we all know,

cheating-- whether it be at golf

or any of life's endeavors-- is truly despicable.

Anyways, it's an honor to be here.

This is a great, great cause. And enjoy your meals.

[Applause]

[Glass clinking]

Say something.

I too am honored to be here.

Giving to St. Abigail's is

like an investment in the future.

And we all know that our children are the future.

Like this boy here.

The kind of kid who knows to keep his head down

and not say too much and...

know his place.

So once again, it's a great, great, great,

great, great, great, great cause.

And let's not do anything to screw it up.

Enjoy the meal.

[Scattered applause]

- That's it? - Yeah, let's go.

Hi. Annie Henry, Mike's wife.

Also honored.

I think that the jingle writer

made a good point about cheating.

Another point-- if we don't support

St. Abigail's, aren't we all losers?

Maybe some of us, sore losers.

And is there anything worse

than a sore loser?

Other than the diseases that this research

is trying to cure?

This is a great, great, super great, really,

just the best cause.

Enjoy your meal.

[Scattered applause]

Can't seem to get ya

Can I get some more juice?

That was your fifth glass.

Maybe you've had enough.

I could get this at home.

We have apple juice upstairs.

[Scoffs]

And the silent auction is now officially closed.

I'm proud to announce that we have raised...

$250?

All right. That's it.

Turn off the chocolate fountain.

If you're not gonna use the ketchup,

don't open the bottles just for the hell of it.

Huh?

Real nice, Henry.

Getting your wife to fight your battles for you?

Well, you have to admit she's good at it.

Hey, hey, you cheated against a legally blind man.

Legally blind?

Mike, this guy can see shapes.

That's what I've been saying.

Okay, this is ridiculous. Out of the way.

Hey, how did you know where Mike was?

Unless...

Think fast!

[Guests exclaim]

Well, that didn't prove anything.

We'll show ourselves out.

[Grumbles]

You hit one blind dude with a lobster, and then, oh, suddenly,

- you're the bad guy. - I know.

We're the victims here.

Oh, look at this.

Lookee, lookee.

Ocean view suite.

Wide open.

They said it was all full.

That was supposed to be our view.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to take a little peek.

[Door closes]

[Waves crashing]

Yep, that's an ocean.

Come and see what it looks like from over here.

But that's further away.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Ugh, are you serious? Why would you lock this?

So that people like us can't get in.

Solid point.

[Groans] Worst night ever.

This is what we get.

Mom and dad put a roof over our head,

- and we stab them in the back. - After the day we've had,

I am never disrespecting mom and dad again.

All right, well, I'm not sleeping

out here like a pigeon.

I am gonna jimmy open that lock

with this belt--

No!

Oh, that was $80. Now we're not making any money.

I'm not paying for your cheesy belt!

It was Armani Exchange! You have no sense of fashion.

- Are you serious? - Just zero.

Honey?

There's a homeless couple

having a lovers' quarrel on the fire escape.

- No, we live here. - And we're not a couple!

What's going on?

Let's just tell them the truth.

You're right.

Our parents rented out the apartment for the weekend

and left us with nowhere to go.

Oh, you poor things.

That's awful.

Come in. We'll get you some blankets.

Honey, help me.

What ever happened to not betraying mom and dad?

- I was cold. - Yeah. Ooh.

- Stay informed. - [Giggles]

Thank you very much.

I could have sworn I left it open,

so I could find it again.

You know, 'cause I'm blind.

[Scatting]

Here we go.

[Whispers] Keep perfectly still.

You know who you're talking to, right?

You were right. I can see shapes.

Skiddily wow.

- Oh. - That's the guy who blamed me

for knocking over the golf bag!

And after all the nice things I said about you in my speech...

Son of a-- [Elevator bell dings]

So you framed a ten-year-old kid.

Not my proudest moment.

What happened today?

Usually, you're just happy to have fun out there.

It's not like you to be so competitive about golf.

Oh, it wasn't about the golf.

I just want to be the inspirational guy.

I mean, I guess it's become

a bigger part of my identity than I realized.

If it makes you feel any better,

to the people who really know you,

you're not all that inspiring.

- Doesn't help. - I'm just saying.

To the kids, you're an embarrassing dad.

To me, you're a soul mate/blanket hog.

And let's face it, to that innocent ten-year-old boy,

you are nothing but a big, fat cheater.

"Innocent"? He had shifty eyes.

On the bright side,

I don't think we'll be invited

to any more golf weekends.

So this was all part of your secret plan?

I'm just glad to be somewhere

where we won't be judged.

[Laughter]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the worst parents ever.

You two should be in prison.

You're home early.

Who are these people? Who are these children?

- Ah! - Movie time.

What's it gonna be, Slap Shot or Mighty Ducks?

Seriously, two hockey movies? Those are my choices?

That's what happens when you're grounded.

- But, mom... - Keep it up,

and you watch both.

You're on thin ice. Huh?

Sometimes, you get used to playing certain roles.

Icebreaker, hey, buddy.

Maybe you're the ambitious one

or the smart one or the inspiring one.

I'll be right back.

- [Musical ringtone] - But you can't let

- those roles define you. - Hello?

- Hey, Aunt Leigh. - Oh. It's you.

Hey.

Want to come watch a movie?

I'll be right up.

He called the next day.

All: Oh!

Because if you're too caught up in how other people see you,

you might forget to stop and enjoy the view.

You know, I think this is better than Fiji.

Well, you are my moon, and I am the sea turtle

paddling across the hot Polynesian sands--

- Oh, forget it. - Uno!

- Darn it. - [Giggles]

Are they ever gonna leave?

What? They paid for late checkout.

Sorry, I don't want to get Yelped.

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