Original subtitles

BENJAMIN: The Middle School Dance is the most important event

on the school calendar.

Everyone plans ahead for months.

It's about telling the world who you are.

How you look and who you're with is how you'll be seen forever.

It's really important for branding.

Can't believe it's almost here!

Oh. We should go matchy-matchy!

Not like mainland Chinese tourists on guided tours,

but...more in the detail.

Hear me out - rose gold!

My cummerbund. Your corsage! Ben?

Look, I know you were really into honeysuckle, but that dated fast.

No, it's not that.

It's just...I've asked Rory to come to the dance. With me.

What, and you didn't consult me?!

Ben, it's Rory.

Ro-ry? Yes, and he's ruined everything!

You can still come with us.

What, as a happy white couple's adopted Asian child?

Hi, Ben. Hey, Melissa.

(NERVOUSLY) Klaus.

You guys excited about the school dance?

Oh, thanks. You brought it back. How was camping?

Wet dream nothing to be ashamed of!

Yeah, awesome.

OK. Cool. See you at the dance committee meeting.

Now I really need to find a date for the dance.

Why? It's not compulsory to bring a date.

Why? What do you mean, why, Melissa? People might get ideas!

About what?

About...I don't know. Stuff. Me.

Look, less undermining and more helping, Melissa!

So?

Julia said no.

Yeah, she would. Yassmin?

Yassmin says she sees you more like family.

She's Sudanese.

And don't ask about Holly. You know she's a nine.

(SCOFFS) And I am at least a high seven!

Jesus, Melissa! What have you been telling them about me?

Nothing. It's not easy being your pimp.

Well, it's not easy having someone bail on your multiyear plan either!

Something to think about.

JENNY: Ooh, Benji!

Oh! This looks fun!

It looks radioactive.

Hey, you'll get another girl. Easy-Chinesey.

They'll eat you out with a spoon. Yeah, I don't know.

I'll be there as a parent volunteer. Mummy will be your date!

(SIGHS) Mum, gross!

JENNY: What?

Nothing. No-one. Come on. No, wait. I want to see!

Come on, Mum. He's not worth it.

He's scum. Garbage.

Worse than garbage. He's bin juice.

OK. Hold still.

And don't fart!

Are you really OK after, you know, today?

With Pete and his wildebeest woman?

(SIGHS) It's funny.

Maybe I should be upset, but Mummy just feels...

..nothing.

Because you're dead inside?

No!

It's more like...I don't care-lah.

Good for Pete. Whatever.

Maybe it's a sign.

Like, time for Mummy to put my body out on the market.

Good for you, Mum!

So many of the women here are prematurely sun-damaged.

You've definitely got the upper hand.

Swipe up.

Isn't it left?

Uh...swipe diagonally to be safe.

Ooh! What about him?

Oh! Good hair. Definitely conditions.

Can I date a brown man?

Mum! What?

You think I shouldn't?

Well, you've dated a white man. You've married an Asian man.

What about black man?

Asian woman, black man. Could be painful.

OK, pretending I never heard that.

Wait. Maybe I AM swiping wrong.

(SIGHS)

What do I do now? Look.

Swipe this way to see their other photos,

then triangulate with their Facebook to see there's nothing gross there.

If they like you back, you'll get a match.

(PHONE CHIMES) Ooh! A match!

Someone should make a version for teenagers.

Yeah, paedophiles would love it.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Now all that's left is deciding on the theme for the dance.

And this year, I thought we could do something more...well, woke.

Oh, God.

This year, we saw the hottest summer on record.

So I thought we could convey an environmental message

as the backdrop to the dance.

What do you guys think about 'War on Waste'?

(QUIETLY) Do something. He's ruining it.

Ben? Yes? Klaus.

Hey. So, totally agree.

I mean, we are the first generation

that'll experience this hellish ecological nightmare firsthand.

But...is it festive?

Hmm.

Fair point.

What if we did an old classic but give it a modern twist?

Something like Under the Sea.

But having... Ben, that's genius!

Under the Sea but with an ecological spin,

focusing on the scourge of marine pollution!

You guys, we have a theme!

Under the Sea Meets War on Waste!

Oh, this is the shittest dance theme in the history of shit dance themes.

Maybe I should paint an actual shit. Yeah.

First a dateless wonder, now this.

Well, actually...I might have some news on that front.

What?

A date?

(LAUGHS) Yes! Thank you!

Who?

Um...Lou?

Hi.

Oh. Hi. (CHUCKLES)

So, uh...I was wondering whether, you know,

you wanted someone to take you to the dance.

Because if you did...

BOTH: I'll go with you!

BOTH: Unless... (CHUCKLE)

Uh...I'm up for going together if you are.

Really? Yeah! Totally!

But I do have some ground rules.

Anything.

Number one...

..accessories and colour coordination.

I want us to match.

How do you feel about rose gold?

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Yes!

(BOTH LAUGH)

It's so crazy. Why didn't I just ask Lou in the first place?

We're basically the same person.

We spent all of Modern History mood-boarding our outfits.

Ai, so much in common!

Same with my date. Number one hobby - cooking.

What else did he say?

He likes to travel. International man of mystery.

Oh, you're gonna have the best time. You have a date, I have a date.

Like mother, like son. Sluts!

And so then after Malaysia, my family moved to Hong Kong.

I love Hong Kong. Oh, you been?

Yeah, many times.

Uh... Ho liang ah!

Oh! That's pretty good. Yeah.

Cantonese not an easy language.

You've gotta make the effort, right? Mmm.

Uh, your bracelet. Jade?

Mm-hm. My mother gave it to me when I first moved here.

It's supposed to... Protect you.

Absorb all the bad vibes and break before you do.

Ah. You know Asian culture.

Mmm. I love Asia.

I've been all around.

Vietnam. Japan. Thailand. Mm-hm.

Gorgeous people. Especially the women.

I always find that Asian women have this great combination

of vulnerability and strength.

Like Thai massage.

Hands might be slender,

but they sure know how to grip, right?

Oh. Look at the time. It's getting late. (CHUCKLES)

Ah! Hi, Jenny! Hi, Jenny!

These beauties are...?

Oh, just a couple of... Friends?

I wouldn't go that far. Ah! Charmed!

(BOTH EXCLAIM, LAUGH)

Cheers! There we go! Cheers.

Oh!

Shit!

DANNY: Ai, you know what those two are like.

Now the whole Sunshine Coast knows.

Your reputation is my reputation.

It's bad for business!

Business?

You get to move in with your girlfriend while I die alone!

You're not going to die alone. I'm just trying to protect the shop.

Yes, OUR shop.

Who cares what stupid gossip idiots say?

Can you just be more private? Oh!

So women have to be private and men do whatever they want, la-la-la?

I'll just keep doing what I like, thank you very much.

Mmm.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

LOU: Hmm... Ooh!

Oh. Yeah.

Down's always classic,

but...I reckon up would look even better on you.

I don't know. My forehead already looks like a solar panel.

You think so?

Or you could meet halfway.

These bits worn loose. See?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Is this OK?

Yeah. Der! More than fine.

So? Looking forward to your hot date?

Shut up. How did you get her to say yes?

Is she legally blind?

All Law men have girlfriends now.

Dad! Women can't resist us.

Hey. YOU fell for ME.

Wouldn't stop calling. Totally obsessed.

Typical man, hey, Heidi?

So, lover boy, you gonna make a move?

You know every girl expects a pash from a date, right?

No, they don't. Andrew, leave him alone.

What? You know I'm right. The entire thing is just an excuse for face-sucking.

For you, maybe.

Hey, I'm just preparing him for the inevitable...

Not everyone's as obsessed as you are.

Yeah, guys, we don't need to talk about...

It's his business. If he wants to chicken out...

I am not chickening out!

(PHONE RINGS)

Melissa?

What?!

Oh, my God! I thought you were exaggerating!

Turns out tea candles and driftnets aren't a good combo.

Half the decorations are gone.

The turtles are melted.

And we...

..we lost the octopus.

It's our 9/11.

(GASPS) Oh! Nemo!

Hi, Ben.

Thank God.

How do we fix this? We don't have long.

We need glitter, stat. Sequins, beads.

Anything that can distract the eye.

So...how are things with Lou?

Actually...

..I've been thinking...

..that maybe I should kiss Lou at the dance.

Wow! You?

Yeah, who else?

Sorry, it's just... What?

You've never shown much interest in her before.

Well, people evolve, Melissa.

No, Ben, I think it's awesome.

I should give you tips.

OK. Rule number one - no garlic beforehand.

In fact, no food generally. I don't care if you're starving.

Rule number two - don't start with your tongue out.

Trust me. Eugh!

Smile.

Ai, my baby boy!

So handsome and grown up! Mum.

Eh.

Remember, uh...men in our family act like the gentleman.

Boys have to make sure girls are happy,

so, whatever she wants, make sure you give.

Mmm. I will only date man who knows how to give.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Your girlfriend's here!

Mich! Ohh!

('80S ROCK BALLAD)

(CAMERAS CLICK)

Lou-Lou, hi. I'm Jenny, mum.

And this is Ben's dad, Danny, Candy, Tammy, Michelle and Wayne.

And I'm Ming-Zhu. Unofficial stepmother.

Hello. It's nice to meet you all!

Ben, you look so good.

Doesn't he?

You know, this is my little Benji's first date.

Mum! Be gentle with him.

I think my little Ben-Ben's got first date nerves.

Shall we?

One last photo!

Go, there. Perfect.

Smile.

Oh! Go on.

ALL: Bye!

(POP MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Wow!

(GASPS) Photos!

(TAKES PHOTOS)

Hey, wait, wait, wait! One more!

Mum, please. Enough. OK, OK! Off you go! Enjoy!

I love this song!

SONG: Here's where we begin

Time is the medicine... Oh, my God! You two!

You were so right about the rose gold.

Raise our voices

Higher, higher

Tonight, we raise the dead

Tonight, we bury this

In fire, fire

Under the shape of years... And please enforce the daylight rule.

We must be able to see daylight, or in this case, strobe light,

between two human bodies at any given moment.

If any student attempts to engage in...

..carnal acts, intervene.

Sorry, uh, we're late.

As I was saying...

..carnal acts must be prevented,

mainly because we're liable

for any conceptions that occur on school grounds.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

So. Have you done it yet?

No!

I'm building up to it.

It's just a kiss, Ben. Don't overthink it.

Oh, easy for you to say.

You've kissed, like, half the guys in year 10 now.

Excuse me. It's more than that. (SCOFFS)

What if I'm bad at it?

What if she knows?

What, that it's your first time?

Ben, when you're in the middle of a kiss, nothing else matters.

Just go for it.

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC)

PETE: Enjoy your night.

Jenny. Hey...

OK, listen. This doesn't need to be weird.

I'm other there, you're over here.

Tonight's about the kids. No need for drama.

Easy, simple, good. OK?

Jenny. Wait.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I didn't apologise sooner.

So I guess I'm sorry about that too.

I'm sorry that I'm sorry...

..that I'm sorry.

Do you even know what you're sorry for?

Well...

..the...

..pants situation.

And not just what happened...

..how I reacted too.

Well...you are a man.

(LAUGHS)

Now you sound like my sister.

Sister?

She's here for all the milestones.

Including my divorce.

Look.

I really am sorry.

Apologies accepted.

Hi, Ben.

I-I was looking for you.

Look at what we did. Together.

It's so beautiful.

Thanks for saving my arse, Ben.

Happy to save your...

Anytime.

It's weird.

This was almost the first time I ever failed at something.

Oh. Yeah, shame about that. And if it wasn't for you...

SONG: There's all these people in the room

And I just wanna be alone... (HEARTBEAT THUMPS)

(MUSIC FADES TO SILENCE)

(MUSIC SUDDENLY FADES BACK IN)

Ben, you OK? You're shaking.

Ben? Ow! Hey!

There is nowhere to go from here

I just wanna be alone with you. (SLOW BALLAD PLAYS)

Lou?

(CHUCKLES) Ben.

You leapt from crumbling bridges watching cityscapes turn to dust

Filming helicopters crashing in the ocean from way above

Got the music in you, baby, tell me why

Got the music in you, baby, tell me why

You've been locked in here... (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Ben!

(OTHERS MURMUR)

Ai-ya, drink, drink! Mum, I'm fine.

You black out. You are not fine.

How many fingers am I holding up? Mum!

Did you eat something?

What if you have an allergy? Could have been a seizure!

Mum, honestly, it was just hot in there, that's all.

I just needed some air.

Can we just go home?

OK, OK.

I'll go get the car. Don't move.

Is Lou OK?

She'll survive. She's loving the attention.

Plus, I told Rory to go give her a pash in the toilet.

(CHUCKLES) Always cheers me up.

So...do you want to talk about what really happened?

(SIGHS)

No. Not really.

SONG: Made with adrenaline

Seeping out through the skin

Like only lovers could

Here's where we begin

Time is the medicine

To heal these needs that only raise our voices... In...

Your thigh's really comfortable, Ben.

Oh, my God! You had a stiffy!

That's hilarious! No, it's not!

Arggh! Arggh!

Can I ask you something? Do you have the hots for Klaus?

Mum... Mm-hm?

Dad...

..I have something to tell you.

Captions by Red Bee Media (c) SBS Australia 2019

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0