Original subtitles

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

Every Tom, Dick and Harry Don, Ted and Larry

Bill, Ted and Barry Dan, Ed and Jerry

Ron, Dean and Perry Ben, Stan and Terry

Now

l'm in a Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

Call me crazy Put me in a loony bin

l'll get committed and then they'll have me in

A Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

l'm stuck and l can't come out

And no one really knows what l'm about

l'm in a Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

My hands are literally tied

To what l feel inside

My mind's telling me to go one way

While my heart's goin' the other

l'm in a Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

Straight-Jacket

l know what l like

lt's every Tom, Dick and Mike

But l've got this problem

That l can't get away from

l'm in a Straight-Jacket

And l'm gonna get out someday

Every Tom, Dick and Harry Don, Phil and Larry

Bill, Ted and Barry Dan, Ed and Jerry

Ron, Dean and Perry Ben, Stan and Terry

Now

l'm in a Straight-Jacket

I'm sure Miss Hepburn was just teIIing us that we're number one.

To your Ieft, the swinging pad of America's most eIigibIe bacheIor,

movie star Guy Stone.

We Iove you!

Hi, Guy.

Did I wear you out Iast night?

That was incredibIe.

I mean, wow,

there's sex and then there's that!

I mean, it's Iike, two peopIe sharing everything,

aImost becoming the same person, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm terribIe with names.

It's Mike.

Remember? ''What's your name?'' ''Mike.''

Oh, right, right.

Wow. I can't beIieve I'm in bed with Guy Stone.

AIthough my friend Brian says I couId be in the movies, but I don't know.

I mean, for one thing, how do you remember aII those Iines?

- I don't. - Brian's reaIIy funny actuaIIy.

He works at the May Company and he's in the taII and Iarge department.

But he caIIs it the-- I forget.

But the ''something, something'' department.

Oh, I didn't reaIize it was so Iate.

- Good morning, Victor. - Sir.

- Oh, wow. - Oh, heIIo.

- And who is our young charge? - Mike.

Care for breakfast, Mike? I can make pancakes shaped Iike Mickey Mouse.

No, I gotta get to work.

But here's my number. I hope you'II use it.

Oh, of course I wiII.

What do you think you are-- some stranger I just picked up off the street?

WeII...bye.

At Ieast I didn't have to teII him how to get here.

And where do you think you're going?

The vow says, ''tiII death do us part.''

Busy Iady coming through.

You see that?

Who did that?

No one ever ruins takes on my set but me!

You think that Iooks bad?

Imagine getting beaten up by a girI.

Come on, sport. You've got a meeting with SauI.

Hey, wing girI.

See you tonight, Iover.

- I wiII? - Oh, you two have a date.

Again? CanceI it.

Do you know how many men wouId kiII to go out with Betty Bright?

- You, for one. - I am not a Iesbian.

Yes, and Agnes Moorehead is just a tomboy.

Hi, Guy.

- Seconds? - Maybe tomorrow, cowboy.

Butch it up.

We're in pubIic.

- Tonight I am gonna ceIebrate. - CeIebrate what?

SauI giving me ''Ben Hur.'' That's what this is aII about, isn't it?

Every actor on this Iot is after that part.

I know. I feeI badIy for them.

Guy, things don't aIways go your way.

Yes, they do.

No, what happens is,

I work around the cIock Iike a dog,

without so much as a thank you from you, by the way,

to make things go your way.

Either way, the effect is the same.

Mr. Ornstein wiII be right with you.

He's, um...

He's taking his morning constitutionaI.

If this is about ''Ben Hur''--

Hey. Don't get excited.

Our position is, we want a Iot of money.

Because these ''sandaI'' pics-- they just take forever to shoot.

PIus, moving to ItaIy wouId be a pain. Both of which are true, by the way.

Right, so make sure I get sIave boy approvaI.

- Mr. Stone? - Yeah?

It's Guy.

I know.

Um, can I teII you again how wonderfuI you were in ''The Love BarreI''?

Oh, pIease.

I aIways say, ''Without my fans, I'd be no better than they are.''

No, I'm much more than a fan.

In fact, the other day I was reading that articIe in ''Screen IdoIs Magazine,''

''Guy Stone's Perfect Woman CheckIist,''

and I reaIized that I had everything you were Iooking for, except one.

That one's usuaIIy the deaI breaker.

YuvaI Reissman died. That's too bad.

You aIways go straight for the obituaries.

That's the onIy part of the trades I can read without getting jeaIous.

Guy.

- How's my box office champ? - Fabu--

Good-u-Ious.

You're my Ione reason for Iiving. No pressure.

Do you need me for anything, Mr. Ornstein?

Just this.

Oh!

Charming.

Hey, I gotta get it somewhere.

Bernice gave herseIf to me exactIy once, on the honeymoon,

then toId me, ''That's the Iast time I screw you untiI the divorce.''

- So...it's true. - Hi, Freddie.

- Stevens, aIways a pIeasure. - What is?

- Boning me? - Hey, Iighter boy.

You said if I did one more ''Captain Astro,'' you'd give me ''Ben Hur.''

CaIm down. He hasn't offered the part to anyone.

- You haven't? - Of course not.

Oh, 'cause I was just sayin' ''hi.''

Hi, Stevens. Stone, you wanna pIay Ben Hur?

WouId I? Maybe.

SauI, I'm perfect for the part.

- I'm even ItaIian. - Your reaI name is Moshe FinkIestein.

It's SiciIian.

Sorry, Moshe, this is for aII of my marbIes.

And, frankIy, you got too many IiabiIities.

Is this about the reefer incident?

I had no idea that was marijuana

or I never wouId have Iet those kids buy it off me.

That's ancient history.

This town is crawIing with commie-sniffing G-men,

and word is, you're redder than an Indian's baIIs.

Me?

SauI.

No way! I'm a card-carrying American.

And you can take that to the bank.

- WeII, I joined the party, sure. - You can keep this.

It's the onIy time your name wiII ever appear above John GarfieId's.

It was strictIy to meet nympho-commie chicks.

Which I've aIready paid my debt for, because...woof.

The part is Guy's.

- Ye-- - Whoa! Whoa!

SIow down. SIow down. NaturaIIy, we're honored.

I get to be Ben Hur!

I was spying. CongratuIations!

- I get to be Ben Hur! - It wouId reaIIy depend on your number.

I get to be Ben Hur!

- And we did, uh-- - I get to be Ben Hur!

I get to be Ben Hur! I get to be Ben Hur!

I'm fine.

How's about 50 sound?

There isn't any butter on this, is there?

There hasn't been a stick of butter in this house

since you dragged that trainee miIkman upstairs.

- HeIIo? - Is that Jerry?

- Or birds cooing. - In here, ma'am.

You know I hate it when you caII me that.

I find it a stretch, myseIf.

- Jerry, why are you-- - Dressed so nice?

Here.

You said you wanted to ceIebrate ''Ben Hur.''

Oh. I compIeteIy forgot. I have a thing.

Yes, he's going to The Avenue to meet a saIes cIerk or maybe a waiter.

WeII, as Iong as he's not keeping any of my secrets, one of his baIIs was bIown off.

- Guy, you-- - Have to stop going there.

- You do. You're-- - Too famous now.

- You are. - What's the point of being famous

if you can't use it to get Iaid?

What are we going to do with him?

Sir, your one true spirituaI, inteIIectuaI and physicaI match

wiII not be Ioitering around some gay bar.

He's much harder to find.

TeII me about it. And I need five or six of them a week.

I used to think Iike him.

Then, when I was overseas,

I met Timothy.

Your company cook.

Somehow I can't picture you in the army.

Okay, go on.

Timothy shared my passion for opera...

cooking...

uniforms.

He showed me that true Iove reaIIy does exist,

even if, tragicaIIy,

it was not meant to be for the two of us.

Was he kiIIed?

He got fat.

Oh, God!

Hey, baby, you wanna--

Oh, never mind.

Evening, VioIa. How's business?

Three so far today.

Amateur.

- What's the password? - Scarecrow.

Jeff...BiII.

Jeff.

Tony.

Other Jeff.

Guy, Guy, Guy.

- Cape Cod? - You know me too weII.

So who's the Iucky winner tonight?

Troy! Hi.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!

I thought you Iiked 'em young, dumb and bIond?

WeII, variety is the spice of Iife.

Hi.

So, uh, what's your name?

- Jeff. - That's gonna be a probIem.

HeIIo, poIice?

I'm near a bar at the corner of Hyperion and Rowena.

Perverts are swarming the pIace and I'm worried for our chiIdren.

Fine, then I'm worried for our hookers. You comin' or not?

Hey, baby. You want a date?

- No, but I'II take a bIow job. - I'II take a ten.

- Five. - Ten.

- Eight-fifty. - Ten.

- Nine twenty-five. - Ten.

Okay.

ReaIIy? A saIes cIerk?

I tried to be a veterinarian,

but they onIy hire peopIe that went to coIIege for it.

- Is he smart yet? - Just keep 'em comin'.

Yes, mommy!

- PIease stop. - Not tiII they're gone.

Okay, they're gone.

Being a movie star is kind of interesting too.

- Beat it, you whore! - Excuse me?

PoIice! Everybody freeze!

Ow! Oh! Oh!

- Oh! - Hey, you! Freeze!

Oh!

HoId that. SmiIe!

TerribIe Iighting for me.

Oh, yes, Guy, that's why we're aII so concerned.

Like your office buiIding?

It's fine. For God's sake, why?

Because next year this whoIe Iot wiII be nothing but new ones.

Okay, here's why this is good--

This is good. ''The HeraId'' goes to press in two hours.

With what? It's not Iike he's naked in a man's arms.

Yeah, weII, they got a record. You pIay aIong with it.

Oh, a c-note wipes that out.

And ''The HeraId''? WeII, you just trade 'em something better.

For instance?

For instance, um...

WeII, you teII 'em, uh...

Betty Bright is addicted to smack.

Is that true?

WeII, it wiII be once this kiIIs her career.

And Guy wiII have Iearned his Iesson,

which means he won't be making the same mistake

when he is doing ''Ben Hur.''

He is not doing ''Ben Hur.''

Excuse me?

I'm not going to sink 1 .05 miIIion doIIars in a vehicIe

for the new Miss America.

They Iook aIike.

You know, Guy, if my career were over--

Wait a second.

You're my onIy reaI cIient.

My career is over!

- You'II think of something this time. - Not this time.

- It's different. - It is.

I couIdn't heIp you right now if...

ToId ya.

- What if he got married? - Married? But he's a--

America's most eIigibIe bacheIor.

Now you know ''The HeraId'' wiII take that trade.

PIus, it'II KO any gay taIk with one punch.

Wait, sIow down.

First of aII, marry who?

Because I promise you, any two-bit starIet wiII stab us in the back.

Fruit?

I'II just Ieave this right here.

- Hi, Guy. - Hey, kiddo.

''Kiddo!''

WeII, she is honest.

- She's trustworthy. - ExactIy.

She's not that kind of girI.

- Why does she have to be in on it? - What?

WeII, she's obviousIy crazy about you.

WeII, maybe, but Jerry--

DefiniteIy! HeII, she wouId say ''yes''

if he asked her right now.

- DeaI. - What?

Stone marries her tonight and he can keep ''Ben Hur.''

If not, you'II Iet me out of his contract.

SaIIy, get in here.

''Right now'' is an expression.

Yeah, so is ''homo star arrested in perv paIace.''

Uh, Jerry.

- What? - This!

It wouId be one thing if she were in on it, but she's a human being.

Oh, weII, you picked a heII of a time to start noticing that about peopIe.

PIus, which, I'd have to pIay aIong.

Can you imagine day after day of Iistening to an endIess stream

of superficiaI bIather?

WeII, that's your job.

PIus, which, so is protecting me from these sort of things.

Oh! Oh, Guy, that is reaIIy an exceIIent point.

You know, if I couId just eIaborate on that a IittIe bit.

You grow the heII up

and you make this work, do you understand?

I did not buiId an A+ movie career

out of a smiIe and a head of hair just to have you

smash it to bits with your prick!

But you're not a Iesbian.

He does? Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

You wanted to see me?

Oh, SaIIy.

Guy has something he needs to ask you.

QuickIy.

What is it?

Nothing. Sit down.

ReaIIy?

I just thought we shouId taIk.

What couId I possibIy have to say that wouId interest you?

I have no idea.

- Um, what do you do for fun? - Watch Guy Stone movies.

ReaIIy? Me too.

Oh, and I'm taking an acting cIass from the prestigious Tom Hertz.

- Ah, sure. Tom. - You take from him?

Sometimes I'm the student, sometimes I'm the teacher.

So, you wanna be an actress?

Oh, gosh, no. Actresses are whores.

But you're not-- a whore, I mean!

Not an actress. Wait. You're not that either.

Listen to me.

You caII me in here and I'm doin' aII the taIking.

From here on out, just think of my mouth as a third ear.

- Listen-- - Okay.

I'm just gonna come cIean.

I Iove you!

- You Iove me? - From the day we met.

- JuIy 16, 1953. - Right.

- At the commissary. - Right.

You had the coId cut pIate with the...

- Guy Stone Ioves me. - SureIy you suspected?

No, I mean, I aIways fantasized, but honestIy, before today,

I didn't even think you knew I existed.

How can you say that?

Whenever you come see Mr. Ornstein, you just waIk right by me without Iooking.

- It hurts too much. - You don't even say ''hi'' on the phone.

I'm afraid I'II say, ''Hi Iove you.''

And you can never remember my name.

Don't be siIIy.

I was going to say it sIowIy

and savor it.

Oh, Guy. I Iove you too. I aIways have.

So marry me.

- You're proposing? - Oh, pIease, say yes.

Or don't you reaIIy Iove me after aII?

No! I mean, yes!

It's just-- We've never even been on a date.

Hasn't every one of my movies been a sort of date?

You fought wars with me. You've been to Europe with me.

You've...coached a chimp quarterback with me.

How many more dates do we need

to confirm what we both aIready know so weII?

This is just Iike in ''I Married the Ghost''

where you asked the countess to marry you from right there on the gaIIows!

- That's exactIy how I feeI right now. - Me too.

Oh, SaIIy!

- Yeah? - Be my husband!

Wife!

Son of a bitch.

There oughta be a Iaw against driving that drunk.

- Come on. - Do we have to do this tonight?

- I aIways wanted a big wedding. - His Iove won't wait.

- What she said. - Look, fIowers!

...to be your lawfully wedded husband.

To Iove, honor and obey so Iong as you both may Iive?

I do.

And do you...

Guy.

Oh, hey, Brent!

Guy!

He's fine. Come on!

I can change him.

...the swinging pad of America's most happily married,

ex-bachelor, movie star Guy Stonel

We love you, Guyl

Ahhhh!

Oh, did I scare you, my darIing husband?

Your what?

I know. I can't beIieve it either.

I keep pinching myseIf to see if I'm dreaming.

Any Iuck?

Look, we're even in the paper.

''Guy Stone marries ordinary nobody.''

When was this picture taken?

Last night. Don't you remember?

Snippets.

WeII, I'II never forget a singIe moment of the entire evening.

EspeciaIIy that Iast part.

You made me a woman, Guy.

I did?

It was so wonderfuI. And you wanna know why?

Because I waited 25 years for it.

WeII, then, that is just the scheduIe we're gonna stick to.

Now, up, up, up, fast, Iike a bunny.

- What time is it? - It's aImost 7:00, Mr. Lazybones.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Where you goin'?

- Hi, Guy. - Hi, Gordon.

- You know the SaIvation Army man? - I do a Iot of charity work.

Thanks a Iot.

- Wait, where is he taking that? - WeII, who cares? It's just junk.

I tried reasoning with her, but the woman is impervious to droII remarks.

I'm redoing the entire house from top to bottom!

Wait, whoa! Without discussing it?

Men don't know anything about decorating.

The trash.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Man. I don't think it's cocktaiI hour.

Five.

Picture ceramic eIephants!

You can't get out of the marriage.

Jerryl

She is destroying my house, Jerry.

She's giving away my things and she's aIways hovering

with a tray of God-awful lemonade.

Your ''Ben Hur'' contract stipuIates 12 months of matrimony.

I'm not going to make it, Jerry.

When we're at home...

she takes advantage.

You sIept with her? What was it Iike?

TerribIe!

She's a totaI ''bottom.'' Just, at Ieast, book me a picture.

WeII, they sent this awfuI coaI mining thing, but--

HonestIy.

- Why don't you just wait until Ben Hur-- - I'II take it.

Saul will be thrilled.

- It starts Monday. - Monday?

Look, what can I teII you, sport?

You made your bed, now Iie on it.

- Aren't you hungry? - Oh, it's just so...

rich.

WeII, good food sticks to your ribs.

I'm guessin' this wouId stick to anything.

I thought I'd best serve this before it fIoats away.

Boy, doesn't that Iook good?

It's my mother's recipe.

She aIways said, ''A fat husband can't get far.''

She sounds Iike an amusing creature.

So, I was thinking that

after dinner I might go get a drink.

Oh, aII right.

Just, quick, Iet me take a bath, fix my hair and buy a wrap.

Don't go to aII that troubIe. I'II just go aIone.

It's no troubIe at aII. A coupIe or three hours.

Yeah, weII, actuaIIy, I'd prefer to go aIone.

WeII, I won't be here when you get back.

That'd be super.

So, um...

I'II see you tomorrow?

My mother warned me about you.

She said HoIIywood types were eviI

and that you'd stay out aII night womanizing.

But I toId her, ''No, not Guy Stone.''

And you couIdn't have been more right.

ApparentIy I couId.

When a husband is not working or hunting,

he's home with his wife and famiIy.

Otherwise, this is no marriage at aII.

And I won't just go through the motions.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

I'II stay home.

You wiII?

His wife and what?

Do you need anything eIse before I retire? Good night.

- Is she stiII up? - I don't know, sir.

She is. I can sense it.

Waiting for me, Iike a...

panther.

You know, aII those times I encouraged you to settIe down with someone,

I imagined certain things wouId go unsaid.

It's an arrangement.

WeII, it seems a bit mean-spirited to me.

Subjecting an innocent, young woman to emotionaI crueIty.

- She gets to Iive in BeverIy HiIIs. - I was referring to myseIf.

But since you brought it up,

I think the person in aII this that you are being Ieast fair to is you, sir.

Honey, are you coming to bed?

ActuaIIy, Victor, there is one Iast thing I need you to do for me.

Betty tries to go but Flint grabs her arm.

''You're the onIy nurse in a hundred miIes and you're just gonna waIk away?

I knew working women were coId, but, Iady,

you take the cake.''

He strikes her.

''You think I want to go?

I Iove the miners Iike a mother Ioves her chiIdren.

But my husband forbids it.''

''WeII, of course, that's different.''

''WeII, the vow does say 'Iove, honor and obey.'''

It does?

SaIIy!

Sears came!

Ahhhh!

Are you sure you're aII right?

You took quite a faII into that ceramic eIephant.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Sit down.

So if we're gonna be married, I have a few ruIes.

WeII, of course you do.

- You wear the pants in this house. - That's true, generaIIy speaking.

And ruIe number one is, no snooping.

No snooping?

I wiII not truck the sort of wife who's aIways rooting around

through her husband's bedside tabIe drawers or the crumpIed paper bags behind his suits.

- That's a sort of wife? - Not in my house.

Okay.

WeII, now, um, why don't you...

come to bed and you can teII me the rest of your ruIes from here?

Because of ruIe number two.

Separate beds.

In fact, separate rooms.

But why?

I just think a man and woman sIeeping together is ungodIy.

- Even once they're married? - I'm deepIy reIigious.

Oh, weII, then, tomorrow morning we shouId go to the sunrise service.

Which is, not to say, a fanatic.

WeII, I hope that we can at Ieast share a bed

when we're making babies.

AbsoIuteIy.

RuIe number three, no babies.

But, honey...

The Russians have the bomb.

I wiII not bring new Iife into a worId that's about to end.

But I Iove chiIdren.

Do you Iove watching them meIt?

I just.. I don't know what you expect me to do with aII my time.

WeII, you have your job.

Wives don't work.

You can't Ieave SauI in the Iurch.

At Ieast finish out the century.

Okay, weII,

I guess the vow does say, ''Iove, honor and obey.''

Yes, it does.

I guess I'II just go sIeep in the nursery.

'Night.

Women need a better agent.

Talk about it Talk about it

- Uh-uh - Talk about it, talk about it

- Better not - Talk about it, talk about it

- Mm-mm. - Talk about it, talk about it

SaIIy, I Iove your neckIace.

Thank you, Bernice.

Gee, how Iong have you... enjoyed soup?

Are there some secrets that we don't want the others to know

Don't worry about your wife, Torch. I've aIways Ioved her.

Surprise!

This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

Your image is totaIIy changing.

Yesterday, got a caII from John Ford.

John Ford?

Here. I know.

- I mean, who is that? - ''HercuIes,'' the director.

The oId vote was 1 1 yea, 16 nay.

But the new one is five to two.

Looks Iike you win, Greid.

AII my pro-union boys just happened to be in south tunneI

when it coIIapsed.

Why?

Why, why?

Damn accident cost me haIf a day. Now, sign.

Don't do it, Mr. Upwright!

Goodman, you're aIive!

- Yes, most fortunate. - Surprised to see me, Greid?

WeII, it takes more than 200 tons of coaI

to crush the workers' spirit!

Recognize this?

Go ahead, caII the cops.

We rich types got UncIe Sam in our back pocket.

WeII, he better crawI out of there before his nieces and nephews

go Iooking for a new uncIe.

And give up their precious freedom?

Know why they caII it ''freedom''?

Because nobody's free!

And that's dumb.

Cut!

Who said that?

No one ever yeIIs ''cut''

on my set but me!

Or SauI.

Come on. I'II show you that tattoo.

WeII, if we're breaking, maybe I'II run Iines with those two extras.

''BIood Mine'' is wrapped for the day.

- I better go teII those two extras. - I'm shutting this picture down.

Why?

Because I've got red, hungry G-men

crawIing aII over the Iot.

And it's too ''Iefty.''

ApparentIy, somebody tipped the feds off I'm Latvian

in their secret testimony Iast Thursday...at 4:00.

Does it stiII hurt?

They said I'd never work again.

- I had to save myseIf. - By fingering your boss?

It's aII a bIur.

I'd better go break the bad news to those two extras.

If you scrap the picture, Guy stiII gets paid.

Nobody is scrapping anything.

We just need to purge the script of aII the communist hooey.

It's not communist.

It's humanist.

Yeah, weII, the feds get wind of it,

they'II ship me back to ''humanist'' Russian.

- Who's this? - I'm Rick Foster.

I wrote ''BIood Mine.''

RosenthaI wrote ''BIood Mine''

back when he was a Iawyer.

- I wrote the noveI. - What?

SaIIy-somebody caIIed me to come down.

WeII, I'm sorry you wasted--

- Go pIay with those two extras. - TeII the vaIIey I said hi.

WeII, maybe we can get Mr. Foster here to make the changes.

After aII, we can aIways use a fresh set of green eyes.

- We need a screenwriter. - I don't want the job anyway.

What do you mean you don't want the job? This is a major motion picture.

- This is a major piece of crap. - Nobody says no to me.

I'II ruin you! You'II never work in pictures again.

- I don't wanna work in pictures. - Yeah? WeII, you're gonna!

I'm gonna Ieave now whiIe you stiII sound insane.

He'II onIy get someone bad.

This way, you can protect your book.

You got two weeks. Make that one. I'II need a week to read it.

You can pass the time shooting the next ''Captain Astro.''

SauI, I'm an Oscar-winning director.

I remember. That's the one speech where you didn't name me.

Guy, we have a Iunch.

Great. Jerry, get the door.

So, uh, why don't you come by the house Iater

and you can show me some of your materiaI?

I'm makin' a mistake.

So are you. You've got a good thing going here.

Jerry, I'm a happiIy-married man, but since you brought it up--

- You don't think that he's--? - No.

Then again, you don't think you are either.

You cast a spell on me

l was blind, but now l see

You work your magic, that's the key

You wave your wand

And cast a spell on me

Not sure if you hypnotize me

Maybe just mesmerize me

You're so heaIthy.

WeII, my body is my tempIe.

Wow, you're certainIy roIIing out the red carpet.

You have to with writers.

They ruIe HoIIywood.

Now you mustn't be Iate for Bernice.

I hate her stupid women's group.

Barbara Stanwyck is such a buIIy. And that Edith Head...

just stares at me.

Can't I just stay and watch you work?

You reaIIy wouIdn't understand what we were doing.

But I'II teII you aII about it when you get back no earIier than midnight.

WeII, have fun.

Okay.

Honey, it has to Iast me the whoIe night.

Mr. Rick Foster.

Va-va-voom.

I couId die.

But, it's IegaI.

I was just about to caII the cops.

Honey, this is Rick Foster, the writer.

Rick, this is--

SaIIy Stone.

SaIIy Stone, SaIIy Stone, SaIIy Stone, SaIIy Stone.

- I couId say it a miIIion times. - In the car.

She's...

certainIy in Iove.

No, that was mostIy for your benefit, I'm afraid.

At this point, we're IittIe more than gIorified roommates.

You've been married, what, three weeks?

And two days. WouId you Iike something to drink?

A spIash of Moet?

Got a beer?

ProbabIy.

- WouId you Iike a gIass? - PIease.

- Oh, damn. - What?

SpiIIed on my new shirt.

ActuaIIy, it Iooks Iike you got Iucky there.

That was stiII too cIose for comfort.

Hey, you're reading my book.

Yeah, yeah, um...

I think it's reaIIy sweet how you dedicated it to your mother.

WeII, she reaIIy encouraged me.

My whoIe Iife, she's been more Iike a best friend than a mom.

I think Judy GarIand's great, don't you?

Am I made of stone?

You know, we're friends.

ReaIIy?

Hey, do you mind if I turn on the game?

The what?

The OrioIes pIay tonight-- my home team.

I, uh...

I don't reaIIy foIIow footbaII.

BasebaII, sir.

You know...

you couId just ask.

Ask what?

If I'm gay.

Are you gay?

- I'm gay. - I'm gay.

- ReaIIy? - Hey, I act pIenty straight.

- I even have a wife. - Yeah, what is that aII about?

- It's HoIIywood. - That supposed to mean something?

We're getting off track here. We're both gay.

- Custom dictates we have sex now. - Okay.

I was joking.

I don't get it.

Look, I came here to work.

Are you sure you're gay?

And what makes you think you're even my type?

I'm everybody's type.

I can't beIieve you actuaIIy said that.

That's not vanity. That's professionaI pride.

It's my job to make every man, woman and chiId in America

Iove me to pieces.

And I am good at what I do.

So I hear.

Listen, I got a coupIe questions, then I'II get out of your hair.

First of aII, this screenpIay turns my book into a ham-fisted meIodrama which I can fix,

but I just got this memo from SauI with aII these changes he wants.

I'm sure they're not so bad.

''Number three, eIiminate aII references to Iabor unions.''

So?

Did you read my book?

- I'm reading it. - Where are you?

Dedication.

It's the story of coaI miners struggIing to unionize.

I take that out and aII that's Ieft is the romance between you and the shop girI,

who-- oh, he wants to make a countess.

So you Ieave aII the Iabor stuff in

and you change the word ''union'' to Ieague or guiId or something.

What-- are you stupid enough to faII for that?

Oh, wait, I forgot where I am.

- You're kind of a hypocrite. - Me? You're the one with a wife.

That's right. Fans want me straight.

So I can either be straight or go into another Iine,

just Iike you can either consider yourseIf above HoIIywood or take our money.

I didn't want this job. You're the one that taIked me into it.

I said two sentences.

You're that much of a pushover, we shouId be having sex right now.

I need some air.

- Do you require anything eIse? - You, gone.

Va-va-voom.

- Nice Iife you got going here. - I suppose so.

But the truth is, I'd give it up in a heartbeat

for something even more Iavish.

It's okay to Iaugh, you know.

You're Iike a Iesbian trapped in a gay man's body.

There's a start.

Yeah, it's aIso okay to take things seriousIy.

SaIIy pIants these.

Does she know...

that it's ''HoIIywood''?

I hope so.

I teII myseIf things about that too.

LateIy I Iike, ''WeII, she feII in Iove with me pIaying roIes,

so this must be what she reaIIy wants.''

That's...sort of true.

Best ones are.

I don't understand this pIace.

Someone once said that onIy a few peopIe

couId hoId the entire equation of pictures in their head.

F. Scott FitzgeraId.

Guess that kid in the car wash men's room was a big reader.

You are everything that I make fun of.

I know.

This must be heII for you.

I shouId get back to the reaI worId.

Where you going?

I thought maybe we couId...

I don't mess around on the first date.

Are you sure you're gay?

Wow.

Yeah, kid. I remember being on my first HoIIywood set.

You guys make a bunch of junk.

My pa-in-Iaw had a saying.

At S.R.O. we might not have the big budgets of the other guys.

Hey, what's with the bIue Iight?

That means we're fiIming.

Used to be red, but I had them change it out. I didn't want peopIe to get the wrong idea.

I support everything you McCarthy boys are doing.

- I'm not with McCarthy. - Good. That grandstanding opportunist.

You know his whoIe thing of working peopIe up about HoIIywood Reds so he can show off,

dragging some headIine-grabbing names through the mud?

- A tragic, dark day. - That was mine.

Hat's off.

I have too many highbaIIs one night at some party,

start shooting my mouth off Iike an idiot.

You couId actuaIIy see Joe's ears prick up, and now Iook at him.

OnIy I'm not giving up without a fight.

- I just need something big to compete. - Sure, a showstopper.

- A set-piece. I get ya. - Right. Like shutting down a whoIe studio.

Whoa, Ray, no, no, no!

That's way too big.

You gotta buiId to that sIowIy.

Otherwise you never top yourseIf.

Okay, then how about you fork over some big, fat Red star

that I can griII on my own TV inquest?

Ray, at S.R.O., we're Iike a famiIy.

- You have a phone in there I can use? - Not a cIose famiIy.

What the heII is this?

I figure, they're on a spaceship-- the computer wouId be smaII.

Captain Astro Iives in the year 1996, not 4 biIIion A.D., dumb nuts.

Let's get this over with.

UnIess the good Iord wouId do me the favor of dropping a kIieg Iight on top of me.

- Sorry. - He did that intentionaIIy.

Yeah, no kidding, Oscar boy.

Around here we happen to take ''Captain Astro'' pretty seriousIy.

I'm sure that's just the reefer taIking.

Hey, I haven't had a hit since 1947.

Which makes two of us.

Enjoy TV.

So, Wanda straps you in the proton chair,

facing...Lizardo.

Oh, I get it.

Does any part of him move? Of course not.

Then you say...

Lizardo knows Iots.

Knows aII-- CIose enough.

Then Lizardo says...

Is the mouth effect working?

Oh, yeah, it's sweII. It scared the heck out of my mother.

Lizardo says...

We eat chiIdren.

Jesus!

- Just Iike mother's wig. - The fIames are supposed to Iick.

Yeah, weII, the doohickey fritzed out.

That shouId do it.

Very good. PIaces peopIe.

- Don't you want to do a test? - I'm good.

Are you?

I'm good too.

And...

Turns out you slept with a friend of mine. Jason?

- l've slept with a lot of Jasons. - Jason Clodfelter.

l've slept with a lot of Jason Clodfelters.

- Finished, sir? - Yes.

It's ''Rick.''

No, Iet him caII you ''sir,''

otherwise he bIows his paycheck on escorts.

Victor, you're from Georgia, right?

If your intention is to comment on the irony that

my forbearers heId sIaves whiIe I now am one, I've heard it.

No, I was more just curious what a native thought of FIannery O'Connor.

I'm sorry, did I...

No, it's just that, as a ruIe, Mr. Stone's IittIe friends don't speak of books

unIess they want to coIor.

Must be something around here that needs cIeaning.

Not Iike in the oId days. Coffee?

Can you excuse me for a sec?

You know he'II never be abIe to cook Iike me.

And who knows how he'II Iet you Ieave the house Iooking.

Victor, I'm aIready married.

Besides, I think today is it for us.

Don't teII me you're seriousIy con--

I'm just not buiIt for this.

I mean, approaching guys, I know.

I have an objective-- to sIeep with them.

A motivation-- I'm horny. But with Rick--

Sir...

if I may...

Mr. Foster is a man of much higher caIiber than you deserve.

If I were you, I'd stop worrying about how to cut him Ioose,

and I'd start worrying about how to keep him.

Because Ietting him go wiII be a mistake that wiII haunt you untiI your miserabIe,

IoneIy, aIcohoI-soaked death.

Coffee wouId be fine.

Right away.

I got Iost.

There's one in the cabana. You want to go for a swim?

l wanna show you my backyard.

Ow!

My fauIt.

Oh! Ow!

- HeIp me! - Get away!

I'm burning! Ahhh!

Stupid, god-damned-- Ugh!

You wanna keep Iooking?

Very cozy.

It used to be a deIi.

My pIace used to be a coupIe of farms.

- What's with the costume? - In the reaI worId they're caIIed uniforms.

- You're a maiIman? - What's wrong with that?

In order for a society to work, aII its peopIe have to Iabor for a common good.

You sound Iike a communist.

- I am a communist. - ReaIIy? Me too.

Guy, communism is a reaction to you.

Yeah, I found out. Where do they get off caIIing it a party?

Oh, those are nothing.

When I was young,

I use to give them to my boyfriends when...

when things got serious.

When you were young?

Don't worry, I stopped. You just get 'em back.

I used to give out coffee mugs, but it got too expensive.

I got another memo from SauI today.

''League'' is out. I'm trying ''coaIition.''

- WeII, do I stiII get the countess? - Shop girI. And yes.

Then we're fine.

Give peopIe a cute romance and they're happy.

Art can be so much more than cute. Art can change the worId. I'm serious.

An idea or an image presented exactIy the right way

can aIter someone forever.

SauI has a saying-- ''If you have a message, you're fired.''

SauI treats the audience Iike morons.

- WeII, they don't seem to mind. - Because they don't know any better.

Movies are the biggest soapbox ever buiIt,

but everyone on it's too concerned about money or their tan.

Rick, we're different!

We knew that going in. So why is this suddenIy such a probIem?

Because...

I Iove you.

Rick...

I shouIdn't have said that. Forget it.

I'm just not buiIt for this.

Someone reguIar...

Just...shut up. Okay?

And I Iove you too.

What the heII?

It's Guy's birthday present.

They're oodIes of fun at parties. I needed somepIace to hide it.

A Iot fuII of empty stages and you pick here?

WeII, this is just where they deIivered it.

I was gonna move it myseIf, but it was too heavy on account of I had it done in waInut,

because that's more mascuIine.

Do you suppose Guy wiII Iike it?

WiII Guy Iike a mascuIine organ? I think that's a safe bet.

Mr. Ornstein, um,

after you've been married for a whiIe, how do you, um...

How do you keep it exciting?

You don't.

Oh, I couId never beIieve that, not where there's Iove.

But IateIy...

weII, I hate to be bIunt, but...

how do I get Guy in the mood for...cIoseness?

BeIieve me, SaI, it's not you.

Oh, Iook at me go on and on.

The simpIe fact is, my Iife is a dream come true.

Hey, do you want to hear me pIay?

- Not even a IittIe. - Just to see what I remember.

Two kinds of love

We're in two kinds of love

l have feelings for you

l'll spend all my days with you

Two kinds of love

We're in two kinds of love

Even though now it seems

You're feeling no love for me

Still l hope deep inside you'll change

And l still fantasize a way

For us to go on

ln spite of two kinds of love

You're never around

You're nowhere to be found

ls it something l said

Or am l being misled

Still l hope deep inside you'll change

And l still fantasize a way

For us to go on

ln spite of two kinds of love

Two kinds of love

Two kinds of love

Oy vey, what did I eat?

- Nice. - Mr. Ornstein's on the...phone.

WeII, when he gets off,

why don't you teII him that Freddie Stevens heard about his IittIe trade.

And I'm not going to take it Iying down.

You teII him, mess with Freddie Stevens, and I'II bury him!

''Freddie's not gonna to take it.''

ActuaIIy, make that, ''Freddie Stevens stopped by.''

Okay. I'II Iet him know.

So I guess you got...

a pretty sweet setup here, huh?

Nice cIothes, big house,

your mug on aII the magazine covers.

WeII, I Iike to think of myseIf as an ordinary wife of an extraordinary husband.

Oh, Iike him.

Save it for the Iady reporters.

Whatever Stone's giving you, I'II pay you doubIe.

- UnIess it's reaIIy a Iot. - Pay me?

- To go pubIic. - You're confusing me.

Fine, just name your price.

But be a mensch. November was a bear.

I Iet Guy handIe our money. Let's caII him.

You want to knock off the innocent act, doII?

We both know your husband's a big honking queer! And your marriage is...

Guy a homosexuaI? PIease.

He Iifts weights constantIy! I'm going to go get him.

- Don't teII me you're not in on it. - In on what?

Sure. Why trust you to sit on something Iike this?

There's nothing for me to sit on.

Of course there's not, you're husband's a fairy.

Deep down inside you know it's true.

Or have your nyIons just been stretching themseIves out?

I don't know what you're taIking about.

And...action.

How can they caII this a mine when everything is theirs!

Guy a homosexual.

Okay...

that was the best sex I have ever had in my Iife.

Yeah, I get that a Iot.

Hey, save your strength.

We stiII haven't done it in the commissary, the castIe tower and SauI's office.

And ''BIood Mine'' wraps in three days.

Yeah, it does.

I shouIdn't even have said that. Come here.

And that's when I say, keep your mitts off my gaI!

Hey, Jerry.

We were just rehearsing the fight scene.

Yes...the fight scene.

AbsoIuteIy.

Jerry...

Do you have any idea how stupid this is?

Right under her nose, too.

She's gone home. Everyone has.

- Hola, Guy. - Hector.

Okay, occasionaI sex we can work around,

but seeing somebody on a reguIar basis?

So you're saying he can never faII in Iove?

- I don't make the ruIes. - But you do.

We aII do...by the exampIe that we set.

Okay, can I just say that's beautifuI?

And retarded!

Maybe 50 years from now a gay actor wiII be no big deaI,

but I'm not about to sacrifice Guy to some cause.

Rick. Jerry.

I hate it when the men in my Iife fight. Besides, we both know you can work this out.

- Not...this time. - This time?

It's different.

AII right. I'II get him a writing job--

the next ''Captain Astro,'' whatever.

Guy produces. You see each other onIy at meetings

arranged through my office so there's a paper traiI.

I'm supposed to make an appointment to see my boyfriend?

Your boyfriend happens to be a movie star.

Though for how much Ionger is anyone's guess.

I don't want to know.

So, uh, where were we?

Going over the fight scene.

Jerry can be a IittIe over-protective.

It's not just her, it's everything.

The Iying, the sneaking around, and then there's SaIIy.

Did I teII you she found me a date for her big premiere party?

I feeI Iike the other woman.

I know things are a IittIe crazy right now,

but if you can just hoId out tiII spring.

- When you go to ItaIy? - When we go to ItaIy.

A seaside viIIa. No SaIIy, no Jerry.

Just the two of us...

for a year.

- I don't know what to say. - Say yes.

Now, where were we?

lt's S.R.O.

The old vote was 1 1 yea, 1 6 nay.

But the new one is five to two.

ln my favor.

Well, l guess l can't blame my boys for wanting to join your labor club.

l sure let them down in West Tunnel.

Why? Why? Why?

You can make it up to them by signing my five-year plan, l mean, contract.

- Don't do it, Mr. Fathermanl - Flintl Thank God you're all rightl

- Yes, most fortunate. - No thanks to you, Redburg.

Recognize this? Huh?

What's your ''Russia''?

Well, Flint, have you learned your lesson?

l think we all have, sir. lf it ain't broke, it was probably made in America.

The countess is a lucky woman.

Excuse me.

- Have you seen my husband? - Yes, yes, I have.

Anything.

- Smart dress. - Thank you. It's from a pattern.

Victor, why did you hire so many homosexuaI waiters?

Because that's the onIy kind.

Victor. Oh, there you are, siIIy.

It's going so weII. Judy and Sid GarIand-Luft are here, and Mr. and Mrs. Liberace.

- That's great. Excuse me. - Guy.

- Jesus. - Oh, heIIo, Miss AIbrecht.

If a bomb went off in this pIace, some of my cIients couId actuaIIy get work.

- Isn't Guy's movie wonderfuI? - I Ioved it.

I know peopIe wiII think I'm just saying that because I'm his manager...

and I have to.

- HeIIo, SaIIy. - HeIIo, Mr. Ornstein.

- Bernice. - HeIIo back, honey pie.

There's punch...

Thank you. Excuse me.

WeII, you must be so proud.

Your very first movie and starring me.

- It's a piece of crap. - But starring me.

Doesn't it tear your guts to see something Iike that?

I wrote that book to say something and it's not ''America Works''!

WeII, your book is stiII out there. This wiII draw attention to it.

Thank you, Guy. I think I've bought into enough of your stupid rationaIizations.

What do I have to show for it?

I got a beard date, a fascist movie with my name on it,

and a boyfriend I can onIy see at meetings.

I'm you.

- Guy. - Rick.

Mr. Foster?

I'd Iike you to meet LoueIIa from ''Redbook.''

SaIIy teIIs me you two have separate rooms.

- McCarthy's Red hunt was a big hit. - I can't just repeat him.

Uh, Ray, that's what we do here.

We seII the oId stew in a bright, new can.

That's what I'm saying. I need a new can.

I'II say.

The Soviets tried fiIm propaganda.

Vertov, Eisenstein. It was a faiIure there.

Okay, this conversation is about show business? But not enough.

Guy, thank God.

First his fiIm and then him. I need a IittIe pick-me-up.

Which one of these is Judy's?

Have you seen Rick?

This is not the time or pIace. You're working.

- Bingo. - Victor.

- He's upstairs. - Thank you.

- Bitch! - Scotch.

Hit me again.

SauI.

- Great party, huh? - Yeah. Why don't you join it?

Oh, uh, about that--

I heard about the whoIe you-giving-me-up thing?

And it's onIy fair to warn you, we ItaIians don't sing.

You're ItaIian Iike the Pope's a Jew.

''Gay'' Stone, on the other hand, weII--

He'II beIt you out a show tune of names.

Look, Freddie, I Iike you.

WeII, that's not true, but this isn't personaI.

Guy makes more money for me. I gotta to cover my ass.

Yeah, weII, with him around, we aII do.

Thank you. Excuse me.

I couId actuaIIy use one of SauI's memos right about now.

Because I Iove being a movie star.

And I Iove you.

And I reaIIy need for this to have a happy ending.

SauI wouId say the hero has to sacrifice everything for the countess.

I am three weeks from ''Ben Hur.'' And then we're in ItaIy and--

SaIIy is going with you to ItaIy, Guy. We both know that.

WeII, what do you want me to do? Give up movies?

I wouId.

You'd give up writing?

If being a writer meant hiding who I was to coddIe the bigotries of peopIe who hated me?

In a second.

Then I guess we're different.

Guess so.

But we knew that going in.

Rick.

It's one bad movie.

- Don't make this into one of your things. - I'm not.

This isn't courage, Guy.

I couId sign off on aII of it and there wouId stiII come a point.

And I don't understand, because I'm reaI.

I'II divorce SaIIy.

This party is as dead as James Dean.

It wouIdn't be if someone wouId just pIay that organ.

Everyone is having a bIast.

I think someone's had too many bIasts.

At the office, do you spend a Iot of time staring at my rack?

- It wouId destroy her. - At first.

In the end it wouId be a kindness.

But you'd stiII be a movie star.

I don't have it aII worked out yet, and I get the contradictions.

But if you couId pick the one thing that you hated most about our movie of your book,

what wouId it be?

It makes everything too simpIe.

The purpIe button is trombones. It's fun. Try it. Guy? Oh.

It's very expensive.

It gives me nightmares. Excuse me.

Guy?

Guy?

Not quite.

Mr. Stevens, I'm fairIy certain that's iIIegaI.

- Who am I hurting? - My hair!

After aII, apparentIy my career is over.

It's not fair.

I did everything right.

Tanned, tore out my reaI teeth.

I even Iearned to act.

What does Guy Stone have that I don't?

WeII, maybe if you tried to be a nicer person,

the audience wouId sense that

and then wouId respond.

He has you.

Yes, he does.

And aII the great press you get.

But...what does he give you back, huh?

A heart fuII of happy. Thank you very much.

I couId fiII a Iot more than your heart with happy.

Ewwww...

Leave Stone...

and marry me.

You're...just...high.

It's a crime what he's doing.

A juicy peach Iike you shouIdn't rot in the bowI.

Ewwww...

I'm married!

You communist!

- So, you changed your mind? - I'II check on the punch.

Thursday's two-for-one night.

That too hard?

-Guy? - SaIIy.

And then I say, ''Keep your mitts off my gaI.''

Ahhhh!

Mwahhh!

Ow! God!

- I got them! - What the heII is...

Oy.

- Okay, here's why this is good.... - Excuse me.

You'll never work in this town if all your stories get out

Keep it under your hat

There's only one thing people will never live without

They love to watch the mighty fall

And make somebody big seem small

All might seem hunky-dory today

Pictures can be doctored,

witnesses bought.

Maybe you were drunk.

HeIIo?

- Bitch. - Hag.

- Where have you been? - Reporters.

I'm going to go outside and have a smoke.

Hi, SauI.

God damn it!

He voided your contract, per the moraIs cIause.

I hate to badmouth another star, even a beat-red, chiId-pawing fruit.

And guess which big star he fingered for this new pink hunt?

As the new Ben Hur, I feeI strongIy...

When did this business get so mean?

When they started it.

Maybe it's for the best.

I mean,

I was kind of participating in my own oppression.

Huh?

Anyway, I have money.

I have Iots of money. You saw how I Iived.

ExactIy. There's the house. SaIIy gets that.

Forget about any other studios or teIevision.

You'II think of something.

- Not... - This time.

This time.

It's different.

It is.

Yeah, I know.

Good night, TheIma.

You don't have to wait for me every night.

What eIse do I have to do?

Don't worry, it's not steak.

It's chicken and a can of peas.

- And two bottIes of swiII beer. - I'm impressed.

Oh, Iook, Iook. It's the movie queen.

- Hey, Guy ''Fag.''

- You want to suck on this? - Okay, how hard is ''Gay'' Stone?

- What'd you just say? - You want to suck on this?

- Make your move, paI! - Come on, postaI boy!

I'm such an idiot.

Just forget about those guys.

It's not just them.

I actuaIIy thought peopIe were okay with us.

Maybe not HoIIywood, but here?

I waIk around. Lots of guys do.

It never occurred to me that, on us, they just can't see it.

What are you taIking about? Look at you.

Is it them?

- Guy, I don't think you shouId... - Who is it?

I'm not in the mood.

I've been trying to find this pIace for an hour.

You've never been to SiIverIake?

If I want to be around a bunch of men who have no interest in me,

I couId go anywhere.

So how you doin'?

- Did he just ask me how I'm doing? - Yeah, I think so.

- Oh, I need to sit down. - Rick's writing me a pIay.

Oh, goody.

Of course, the reaI money is in poems.

Hey, I can use that. It's about HoIIywood.

You come down pro or con?

We're going to put it up ourseIves.

In a tiny theater. I know how broke I am.

WeII, maybe not after the inquiry on Friday.

I didn't know they paid you for those things

They don't.

But SauI, he didn't just hand you over to Mr. Verrine.

- He promised you'd sing. - Why wouId I do that? My career's over aIready.

Which SauI finaIIy figured out today and came to see me.

SauI came to you?

I got your contract reinstated

and a massive pubIicity campaign

that portrays your exposure as a hoax.

I'd aIways heard of totaI Ieverage before,

but the taste of it, it's Iike, uh...

GirI-on-girI sex?

- I am not a Iesbian! - WeII, I guess at your age it's mostIy a titIe.

You stop cracking wise or I won't teII you who Ben Hur is again.

Oh!

Oh!

I get to be Ben Hur!

I get to be--

- But he'd have to sing. - Yes. He'II have to sing.

WeII, uh, I couIdn't do that anyway.

- I don't know any gay com-- - You know one.

You are unbeIievabIe.

You've sworn off HoIIywood anyway.

The whoIe reason they'd want him to name names is because it sends a signaI.

HoIIywood has a kind of mob mentaIity. Maybe you've noticed.

Oh, pIease, why don't you teII me aII about HoIIywood?

WouId you pIease teII her she's crazy?

You know what it means to be a movie star?

lt means being 34.

Thirty-four?

I'm sure Ms. Hepburn was just teIIing us to go to heII.

And to your Ieft, the pervert paIace

of America's swishiest bacheIor,

movie star Guy Stone.

This is me.

Excuse me.

Guy?

I thought you'd be at work.

I know. I shouId be.

But IateIy...it's the most pecuIiar thing.

It'II be time to get up

and I just stay right there in bed.

It's caIIed depression.

It's caIIed ''Iazy'' where I come from.

I use vodka instead of water now. Adds a reaI zing, don't you think?

You know what? Let's just have coffee instead.

I put scotch in that. Excuse me.

Stop being so good. l hate your goodness.

Sarah, you could never hate me more than l love you.

l don't hate you.

l love you and l hate myself for it.

Never hate love.

You're a lover and lovers love love .

Are you okay?

I do that four or five times a week. It's nothing.

Freddie caIIs me his dumb Iush.

Freddie?

He Iives here now.

Do you Iove him?

Love is just

a big heart-shaped box fuII of chocoIate-covered razor bIades.

Anyway...

maybe aII I reaIIy wanted

was to be a movie star's wife.

I mean, everybody says I'm so good at it.

Maybe you were so good at it because it's acting.

We aII know what peopIe think of actresses.

You're taIking to one, remember?

Listen...

about this whoIe thing--

the Iying and the Ieading you on...

Mr. Ornstein and Miss AIbrecht made you.

I couId have said no.

I shouId have said no.

I'm sorry.

Those two-- you shouId have heard them going at it yesterday

about your deaI.

- Right. - Guy.

If you came here to see if I wouId be your pretend wife again...

Yes.

So...l'll see you after work.

Crap.

HoId your horses. I'm coming.

Oh, mother--

Not recentIy, no.

Haven't seen him, but do you want a date?

What are you doing?

- How about you? - Not since you came aIong.

WeII, Iook, who--

I don't want any troubIe.

- Stone residence. - Sir, you're needed.

Came to check on you.

He'd made it to the door.

You're aII right.

I'm tired.

The doctor said someone's not meant to speak.

- Guy... - Your funeraI.

When you testify tomorrow...

name me.

No, no, Rick.

I want you to.

But you, but...

- It sends a signaI. - To who?

SauI is right. PeopIe are as stupid as him.

They just don't know any better.

That's aII.

You can change them.

What? With art?

And our actions.

You changed me.

It couId have been you,

easier than me.

- AII I know is that I Iove you. - Get your oId Iife back.

Shh.

I'II be fine.

I might even... get married.

Shut up.

We aIways keep a courtroom on mothbaIIs, use it a Iot.

Got a poIice station too, if you need it.

Background.

This over here is caIIed a teIevision camera.

- Where the heII is Stone? - He'II be here. ReIax.

And try to Iook Iike peopIe who aren't a bunch of haIf-crazy Iosers

who are wasting their Iives.

- Where's Stone? - I'm his fag-hag, not his mother.

Over here!

Yeah, we're not doing the space movie today.

It reads as fIesh tone on TV.

There he is! 90 seconds.

To the nadir of my once-promising career...

Nadir.

Hi, Guy.

Victor toId me about Rick.

He's fine.

If you name him, we both know I'II think of something.

He's moving to BaItimore. Might even get married.

Guy, I Iove you too.

And you wouIdn't survive 10 minutes out there aIone.

Every Iife buiIds toward,

and then radiates from,

a singIe moment.

Thank you, Jay.

Today l, S.R.O. Pictures

and Hit Parade cigarettes

mean to get to the bottom of an issue far more serious

than ordinary communists--

Homosexual communists

working in Hollywood.

l don't mean directors

or behind-the-scenes nobodies, either.

I mean great big stars.

Toward that end I caII on Mr. Guy Stone.

Mr. Stone,

are you now or have you ever been

a homosexuaI communist?

Baltimore.

Los AngeIes.

Are you or have you, Mr. Stone?

Yes.

- And are you personally aware of others... - Whatever's cheapest.

Iike yourseIf, working in the motion picture industry?

Yes, I am.

- PIease, state their names for the record. - Better yet, sing 'em.

I am what you say, and so are many of my peers.

So what?

I just need their names, Mr. Stone.

This is the only way l can help you, Ray.

Because movies, for all their cornball, reactionary idiocy,

show us life as it might be,

if onIy we couId Iive up to our ideaIs.

Movie characters are honest, and IoyaI, and brave.

They sacrifice themseIves for those they Iove.

They are proud of the quaIities that make them individuaIs.

They stand up for what's right,

no matter the odds, or consequences.

Movie characters, in short,

would not care who plays them.

But I guess there's a reason we pay money to see peopIe Iike that.

In a way I wish I couId give you 10 miIIion names today,

because then 10 miIIion peopIe couId stop hiding

and Iiving in fear.

And the rest of you wouId discover wonderfuI, new sides

to peopIe you thought you knew.

But I can't do that, Mr. Verrine.

Because the main trait that separates my kind from yours

is that we mean you no harm.

When you can say the same about yourseIf...

you wiII have earned the priviIege of knowing our names.

Strike that propaganda from the record.

It's just a prop.

Mr. Stone, you are in contempt.

And it wiII be my recommendation that you be sentenced

to 18 months in a correctionaI faciIity--

I'm a communist!

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

They add the sound in Iater.

- Excuse me? - I'm a communist!

And did Mr. Stone indoctrinate you into the party?

Uh, no, no, uh...

Just the opposite.

See, I am a member of a super-secret cIub

that turns big HoIIywood stars into Communists.

We were doing reaI good, too,

but then Guy Stone got wind of us.

He posed as our comrade

then started taking us out from the inside, one by one.

FinaIIy, there were just two of us Ieft.

But then my commander came up with a pIan.

He had me trick Guy into faIIing in Iove with me,

and when he married me, I exposed him as a gay.

- Mr. Stone, is she teIIing the truth? - No. It's from one of my movies.

See?

He'd rather have you beIieve he's a gay communist than hurt me.

So I guess my pIan worked perfectIy, except for one hitch.

I feII in Iove right back.

And through him I Iearned that communism is wrong!

As wrong as peas in JeII-O!

- What is the name of your commander? - The name of my commander is

Freddie Stevens.

What? You IittIe--

SauI!

Ray, she's just a dizzy broad!

What the heII.

Mrs. Stone...

thank you very much for your dramatic and headIine-grabbing confession.

You are a good American.

We'll be right back after this word from smooth and delicious Hit Parade cigarettes.

We're through!

When I say ''we,'' I mean me and Iife.

- CouId I have your autograph? - SaIIy, you are something speciaI!

- You aIways have been. - Thank you.

- I've never done this before. - It's for me, Bess.

And I Iove you.

- Ew. - That's what I thought.

But how wouId you Iike to be Astro GirI?

PIay goIf?

Love it.

FinaIIy.

A girI can have friends.

You were very impressive today. You're Iike a whoIe new person.

HoId onto this for me, wouId you? It's ugIy.

Where's Victor?

I kissed her mother, but the daughter was a babe,

- I'm teIIing you. - ReaIIy?

GentIemen...

a word?

Guy.

I was hoping you'd come by.

That...

was amazing.

I got you something.

If you want it.

I do.

Someone once said that we must become the change we want to see.

Mahatma Gandhi.

CaII boys give themseIves such goofy names.

You're weIcome.

Guy!

Mr. Foster.

SaIIy.

I'm going to go get the bike.

Mr. Foster?

You'II take care of him for me?

I promise.

'Cause he'II say he Ioved his dinner and then Iater you find it in a pIant.

Thank you.

You were great in there.

I didn't overpIay my subtext?

You're going to be a big star.

And thank you.

I guess I just couIdn't picture anybody but you as Ben Hur.

I don't think I'II be making any more movies for a whiIe.

But you have to. You were born for it.

But I'm through pretending.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org