All language subtitles for Shameless s04e08 Rens.eng

This way for the Chatsworth
Express. Come and watch pikeys making a mess of their lives.

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever
replace kids needing money,

or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon,
and me included

is why pubs or drugs
were kindly invented,

to calm us all down,
stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.

You shit on our head,
but you pay the taxes!

Imagine a Britain without
Chatsworth's buccaneers,

who'll come on your face
for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history!

Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

Scatter!

Party!

'Photographs can do the total
opposite of jogging your memory.

'The second you press click,

'you sacrifice the right
to recollections.

'You can stare at a picture till
doomsday, but you won't smell smells,

'won't hear voices, and all the
rumpy-pumpy surrounding the snapshot.

'They say the camera never lies.

'Photos, though, maim any memory
beyond their thin, white frames.

'I wish I'd known this sooner.'

We did not ensure the
horrors of childbirth seven times

to populate this lonely planet!

And I did not work my fingers to
the bone, both inside and outside,

putting food on our table,

nor zig-zag through the most
ham-fisted civil war in history,

to have to take it right
up the shitter

paying for these devil's dildos!

You were on the phone with Auntie
Mags for hours doing the crossword.

Zambia won't be cheap, will it?

Argh! Yeah, well, she's my sister,
and I miss her.

And nobody should have to pay
to speak to a fuckin' nun!

Not their fault
you've not been invited.

Zizzy's funeral.

Me? At Zizzy Ahmed's funeral?

Same Zizzy poached my slot-machines
racket while I'm in the slammer?

Same Zizzy Ahmed I lent ten grand to
to pay for his wedding?

The cellmate who saved
your life on the rotunda.

Now, dead... Zizzy.

Making him the second one. Bam!

Gone.

Ring Sunita, ask her if you can go.

Can't, don't know where my phone is.

Haven't got a suit black enough.

They're Indians.

You've that shirt we bought in
Benidorm they'd love you for.

Plus, new rule, elbows off the table

while the telly's on,
starting Monday.

Right, everybody got, before
I sit down for a bit of me time?

Fuck!

What's up?

All three unis offered
full bursaries, all three!

So, is that it?

Going to Durham? When?

Nottingham, we decided.

Council house students
on full bursary, statistically,

are more likely to die
under the age of 25.

Ian! That's horrible.

They're not used to the money,
always waving it about, magnets for muggings.

So, the coursework nosedives,

bus straight back
to council-house heaven.

Why is that going to kill anyone?

What, getting twatted from
all mates they left behind?

Different accents,
and using big words?

Well done, mate.

And you. Come here.

You told me these
were all rejections.

So, what?

They changed their minds? All three?

Or were you just bullshitting me,
cos if you were, we need

to talk about this,
cos I feel a bit left out.

I wasn't going to go
if I didn't get the money.

Which...

I told him to.

Me and all.

We all did.

We're not struggling,
just for my sake.

How clever is he then?

Tell your daddy how proud you are.

Clever Daddy.

Why are yous all crying?

It's what he wanted.

How does a guy not feel threatened
by mortality when he's lost two

ex-closest friends and worst debtors
within the space of a month?

How could you?!

What I meant earlier was,

it's possible

that you're in the
throes of a depression...

What you said was
dangerously offensive

to a man of my constitution.
Depressed? For fuck's sake?

I think what I meant was,
a depression by proxy.

A pretend depression, if you will.

What kind of stuff's required to
fix this little fucker, then, hey?

Anti-depressants.

But... placebo-esque ones,

for pretend depression, by proxy.

Right you are.

Thank you.

Truth being, Mrs Ahmed,

I heard about your son within a
fortnight of Felix Fawcett's demise.

Bloke Zizzy, Ronnie and I
shared a cell with.

Like Three Musketeers,
we were, the four of us.

Me, Felix, as black as you like,
Ronnie Cohen, the only Jew castigated

for making good money,
and your beautiful Zizzy.

Nights on end, talking about finding
the right girl he would marry.

Ah, all three so alike.

Uncannily alike,
when it came to unpaid debts

and treading on my business toes.

No ill of the dead intended.

First among equals, your Zizzy.

Ergo, drowning with dignity in
the privacy of his own bathroom.

Mmm?

You're joking, aren't you?
You can't seat my dad next to yours.

But we have to
if your mum's not coming.

I'm hoping he's not coming,
not if he brings that nutter.

She looks like Chris Moyles
in a jumpsuit.

It doesn't matter who comes, anyway.

No one's gonna be looking
at anyone but the bride.

Especially me.

Oi!

You're supposed to
be doing the barrels.

Oh! Where am I sitting, then?

"Am I bovvered"?

Just put my name on your
furniture when you split up.

Only give me long enough to save
a couple of hundred quid.

Sorry!

Not a chance without
the remote, Carl.

You can reach the controls from here.

I watch telly in bed.

Another 20,
and I'll find you a Sky dish,

and I'll get you to stick
to reach the buttons.

Why the hurry?

Please...

All right.

One condition - you make sure
your mam hears about this.

You must tell her
that I gave you double that.

I've stopped her pocket money
cos Worzel kept cadging it off her.

I know he's your dad, but she must
hate herself to let that bedridden fuck anywhere near her.

Do us a favour in the meantime -

you say it loud and clear -

Norma is doing up this van,
splashing out.

What, this shit hole?

She thinks I've stopped her spends
because I'm skint.

But she needs showing
that what's mine is hers.

But not until she puts
that mongrel to sleep.

Spend it on a flat of your own.

I'm not budging from here
until she leaves with me.

Which might not happen
until I tidy my act up,

give her a reason
to look at me twice.

Sorry, I...

Ta.

Who would you tell first
if you was in the shit?

Deep shit.

Running out of time so
you can't breathe properly?

Not long, you'll all be going, "What
the fuck happened to our Carl?"

"It's quiet without Lip,"

and then, "Anybody seen Carl?

"It's a lot...

"lot quieter."

You can't lend us 500
by Friday, can you?

What kind of shit did
they mix this stuff with?

Go on, shift, make us a brew.

And stop frowning!

♪ Ave dominus

♪ Dominus Tecum

♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus

♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris

♪ Ventris tuae, Jesus

♪ Ave Maria. ♪

Ah, if there's no place
in heaven for yous lot,

someone is getting a punch
in the knickers from me,

tell 'em I said so. Whoops!

If you hadn't seen the state of
them, they could have been angels.

That's the first
time my hair's stood on end.

Are you lot sisters?

We're all at Roswell.

Rehabilitation Offenders Showcase,
down Wellington Road.

In that case, you should
be extra proud.

Right, sizes, so the seamstress can
cut the patterns out. Who's first?

Why didn't you tell me
it had switched?

Me mam told...

Remember, outside Boots?

When I went,
"Singers, change of plan.

"Bad news for Angela here, she
has been summoned to crown court."

And you went, "Is Angela
the scraggy, ginger, deaf one?"

Karen, you didn't?

And I said, "Yeah..."

Dickhead. No!

"...but I think she'd prefer
'little red-headed stunner with a hearing impairment'."

We'd better shoot if you don't
want to miss the start again.

Keys, Mickey. And a lid for Karen.

Watch that throttle for sticking.

And it's running low on juice.

Hey, I'd think twice before
singing at his wedding.

This mug's a probation officer now.

Training to be.

My brother, a probation officer?
That's embarrassing.

Until one of us changes his mind.

Is it all right
paying you next week for this gear?

Mam's cool about it.

Will you stop talking to me
like a total stranger?

Just don't be caught retailing.

You've been doing that for years,
phoned more scags than Longford.

Teaching dozy pricks how not to get
caught is economic imperative.

I can't operate franchises
with the labour force in prison.

No comparison to the scale of
defection you're contemplating.

I need you to know that I love you...

...more than words
could ever describe.

I'm sorry about your mate, Dad.

How humiliating, eh?
Ignore me. Shut the door.

Behind you.

A very warm welcome back
to our third weekend

of your probation induction course
at Anderton Lodge, of all places.

Boom-boom.
We... Oh.

Welcome back.

Particularly, special thanks to you
wives, husbands, joining us now,

for dedicating time and effort,
supporting your partners,

helping them
back into the mainstream,

and more importantly, start
putting something back into society,

using their firsthand,
service user experience

to hopefully, touch wood,
turn one or two skags

from our beloved public housing
sector into responsible citizens

and tax payers.

Swallow that,
you'll swallow anything.

Only messing.

Reputation to uphold...

I'm telling you, Jamie,
your mam's got a big screw loose.

I am talking here, Mrs Maguire.

Er, so am I, pal.

Ian!

Somebody's after a pint of tweezers.

No, it's a pint and two Es.

Two quid each,
£2.50 after 10 o'clock.

It's me, now that I am
the captain of this little ship

while Jez is away on maternity,
with little baby Jason...

Ah!

...who she incubated for profit,

charging that
young couple a fortune.

So, can people please stop
passing cards to the bar staff

for them to send on,
without stamps?

♪ Sometimes, it's
hard to be a woman... ♪

Did I tell you,
she had 18 stitches?

Is that all?

♪ ...all your love
to just one man... ♪

Oh, God,
shutting the shop down, or what?

Banging it in, shooting off.

Oh! But you came to see
the hypnotist, he'll be on in a sec.

Yeah, he'll cure your headache.

Regressed to a past life,
Jacko with two dicks and one eye.

Ow!

I've just got you a drink in,
don't be a giver-upper.

If you're twisting my arm, like...

♪ ...Stand by your man

♪ And tell the world
you love him... ♪

They'll think you're paying, Norma.

Get the clown on!

♪ ...Stand by your man! ♪

She's off.

What if you wasn't just tarting
the van up to sit here waiting, but actually making it drivable,

as if any second now,
you'll be setting off somewhere else, somewhere brilliant.

Like America.

It's not mine to drive off.

Exactly.

But if you give us
a oner for the logbook,

you can say you're
driving through Texas.

Yours for a oner,

but I'll need the money by Friday.

Get fucked.

Beg pardon.

Didn't mean you.

Mum!

What's Norma doing the
van up for to go to Texas?

If you're saying stupid stuff cos
you're sleepwalking, I'll have to fetch someone. It freaks me out.

No, she is.

Texas, with that blonde bird
with the big tits.

See her sneaking
in and out sometimes.

Is she a mate of yours?

Probably.

Who've you been seeing
at four in the morning?

Finding a petrol station.

We filled up when we set off.

Not with rubbers...

...chocolates,

and most importantly...

...wrapping paper.

What is it?

The whole point of
travelling miles was to keep you guessing a bit longer.

Go on.

You don't do the rings yet,
you knob.

This one's allowed any time.

Eternity ring.

Wow!

I've never been known what
they're were meant to be for. I know what the word means...

You're mad sometimes, you.

This is doing my head in.

Hey...

This is yours.

From me.

For life.

For ever.

Oh, man.

Mum! Do you mind?

Do you mind?

Mum!

For fuck's sake, Carl, grow up.

And put some weight on.

Carl?

What?

Carl!

Carl?

What?

D'ya know what?
You can all get fucked,

eat shit, and die.

Cos I ain't
gonna be here much longer.

Not that I'm bitching about your
estimate, I'm a great believer in you get what you pay for.

It's just, I would expect it
to be perfect for that price.

Have you seen this? Spending money
like it's fuckin' water.

Is that all you ever
think about, money?

Well, you said she was
totally obsessed with you.

Of course she is,
it's as plain as day.

Right, well, just tell her
that you need more proof,

enough to get us by till Friday.

Go on!

Just get out there
and get some spends.

Where's your lipstick?

Fuckin' turned into super nanny now.

I'm a fan of first impressions.

I'm telling you, Norma. This little
home, I can turn it into a palace.

Knock-knock.

I heard voices, thought I'd check
you weren't being burgled.

We don't stare.

Something I learn to get used to.

After 9/11,
we are all potential terrorists.

Couldn't lend us 30, could you?
Get food for the kiddies?

How many kids?

Six, mostly underweight.

I'd hate to impose.
Say if you're skint.

Top hat and tails? On your way! I'd
look like an overdressed undertaker.

If she's having
a scarlet wedding dress,

you want summat
a bit more cocky than formal.

I had to get wed
in a turquoise twin set.

Top were turquoise,
pants were purple.

I burnt all the photos.

The scarlet thing...

That's just for the bridesmaids.

Bride and maid, you said.

I hope so. The fellow that
got me this is on remand now.

The bride?!

In scarlet?!

Rhyming with fuckin' harlot!

Tell me someone's taking the piss.

I wanna get married in white.

Just white.

It was your idea.

It wasn't me.

When?

I meant, it was his idea.

Me?

I said to you,

how our new Karen's gonna look
fabulous in yards of white organza.

You went quiet on account

of white organza reminding
of you of less happy occasions,

i.e. what your dear mother
insisted on being buried in.

Yeah?

I told you that.

Et cetera. Unless of course you
never meant a bleeding word of it,

cos it's truer than he thinks.

Patrick Maguire can't
hold his ale any more.

Is that it?

Can this one manage without
the doorbell on the big day?

Or is that gonna
bugger your descants?

Oh, bugger.

This isn't funny, Jamie.

It's pathetic.
A bunch of blokes, letting them run rings round you.

It's only a dress.

She won't let anybody
think for themselves.

Because the family falls
apart when they try to.

She's just a low rate,
loudmouth drug dealer, in a shitty little dump like this,

charging over the odds, more than
they can afford, ripping them off,

scaring people shitless,
till they hate her fuckin' guts.

What have you forked out for them?

You get what you pay for.

Right, you two, inside for your tea.

Chips again, I'm afraid,
but that's all I can afford.

Just have to hope my lucky number
has come up in the rollover draw.

Where's the chips, then?

Nearly ready, just need peeling.

Carl!

Oi!

Oi!

I know it needs plugging in.
To do what?

I don't know exactly,
but retails at 80, yours for 30,

which is...

Shit!

Hiya, Yvonne.

Best price for a bottle of bubbly
for a hard-working civil servant.

If you're not too snobby,
I've got the Bosnian stuff. Tenner apiece or three for 30.

Wanna get silly and go for three?

Three please, Yvonne.

Somebody's birthday?

Somebody's death.

Ron Cohen, as seen on TV.

Panorama, World In Action, the lot.

The most hard-faced
landlord to walk this town. Owns half of Chadwick Green.

Monoxide poisoning from
his own central heating!

Cheers, mate.

Where did you get this?

Shit.

A customer left it.

When I tried pre-ordering,
they said 12-week wait.

How much?

They retail at over 90,

but if you join the Christmas club
with 20 quid up front,

I could let you have it for 75.

Sold.
Bring you a cheque round later?

Brilliant.

See you.

20, we said, isn't it?

'...challenged by legal
action on no less than 25 occasions.

'One case was famously scheduled
for a High Court hearing.

'But it never made its day
because the plaintiff...'

Paddy, hey!

What's the matter?

Come on, Paddy.

I'll go get Mimi.

Mimi? No.

Ron Cohen.

Monoxide poisoning.

There's someone seriously
taking the piss out of me now.

You know what you need?
You need a drink.

Taxi, please, Yvonne.

I think I've got some EasyJet
miniatures in the back somewhere.

Ronnie Cohen, last time I saw him,
bowling alley,

hard core ding-dong,
as only close friends can.

Went too far, I know!

Injuries on that scale
weren't my intention.

We agreed a truce, mutual admirers,
keeping our distance.

Him more than me.
He worshipped me.

Third musketeer, down.

Gone!

Carbon monoxide poisoning!

Zizzy Ahmed, topped himself.

Felix Fawcett, suicide.

I'm really sorry.

How much longer have I got?

I'm the fourth musketeer!

And I don't see Satan
stopping at three.

Do you?

So what I was wondering was,
what somebody with a wonderful

imagination... would think about that?

I'd really want to know how much you

really need to do a parachute jump
before committing here.

This might be the only chance
I ever get when the time

is this right for me.

Can't you nip in
and talk about this?

No, not really. Family and everyone
want everything sorting for them.

Debs, I need a
button for this shirt.

You're the money wizard.
The best, you know you are,

so don't get coy with me, missy.

'I'd want to know exactly
how much...'

Oh, don't be like that.
Don't be such a misery guts.

Let me here your sunny side up voice.

Have you seen my tie, Debs?

Imagine me, though, from 1,000 feet.

Life and limb!

Hello, special delivery!

Could land anywhere, on
top of somebody. You, maybe.

That'd stop your whingeing.

I don't know how much longer
I can live without you, Monica.

The thing is, I think it might help
get rid of this gender model...

That's for 2A.
She's round the back.

Can't you just give it to her?

Could turn me round completely.

I'd rather drink urine.

Facing me?

We've got to use our imaginations,
haven't we?

Oh, I want your baps in
me mouth, smothering me.

There's a thought.
Quite a lot of thoughts, actually.

Clouds and steam and ozone.

And landing there, eh?
It's like I'm watching a film here.

You set my heart on fire
when you sit on my face!

Swirling and turning round -
all the way round. Loop the loop,

to where? Hm?

That's the surprise.

A mystery prize for a mystery person.

Say me...
Say my name, Mon! Now, now!

I'll get back to you when the kids
are at school safe and sound,

all right?

No, no, wait, wait!

Post for you.

Leave it on the step!

Needs signing for.

Oh, sign it yourself and fuck off!

Oh, oh!

Ah, uh!

You OK?

Ignore me. I should listen
to what your daddy says.

And learn to put up
with this kind of stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Oh, new Karen treating
me like a piece of shit.

You what?

Forget it.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Forget nothing.
What's she been saying?

Mum!

She said something like,

she's just a low-rent, loudmouth
drug dealer in a shitty little dump!

Meaning me.

What can I get you, Mandy?

Got a baseball bat?

Has Mandy come in here?

Get off me.

Oi, oi, oi, come on!

Mandy!

Get off her!

You're not fit to lick my mum's
boots.

Never mind showing her up in public,
you sponging piece of shit!

A Maguire, calling me a sponger!

And you! Letting this scrubber loose!

Hey, Mandy, Mum's big enough
to fight her own battles!

Exactly what I said.

You must have met enough hairy arse
nob-gobblers inside,

why wait 10 years for a woman?
Best you've come up with

is half-tramp, half-trannie!

Hey! Mandy!

Get up!

What's your show and tell for
the last 10 years, Mand?

You're looking a lot like a woman
you swore you'd never be.

We're getting off. Move it.

I'm happy with the changes I've made.

I want a child I'd die for!
A pleasure you'll never see.

Not if you get this mutant pregnant.

12 toes and more faces
than a town hall clock!

You did all that. Got a kid?

Me and Lip did, yeah.

Plus plenty of other stuff once
we get where we're going.

Yeah, right. Your best laid plan.

More than you've achieved,
you fucking...

That's not achievement,
you dumb bitch.

You got tanked, got your keks down,
let this joker slip you one.

Three minutes tops, nine months to
naming it and the next 20 years

convincing yourself that a basic
mistake was part of a plan.

No you don't, Jamie.
Brother or not...

Fucking...!

Ah!

Fuck's sake, Jamie!

How's Lip taking the blame?!

You're not the only Maguire with
qualifications. I got an A, six Bs,

1 C, just for starters.

You know nothing about me!

No!

Bell's gone.

Nip down, will you, and tell Ian
to sling a few pints down here.

Two for yourself!

Here, stick your head back.

Ah!

Don't rub them. Just blink.

Throw that on your lamps.

Oh, it's true though,

your Mandy...

Way sharper than average.

Yeah, well I'm guessing neither
of you got an A in maths.

There's no way you can
afford to live as a family.

Not in Nottingham, or anywhere else.

How much is your
family costing you now?

Every Thursday I shove Mandy
50 quid for hers and Katie's meals.

It's tough sometimes,
but we've stuck to it.

Proved that we can do it,
every penny.

Bam, anything spare, whacked in Post
Office for when Katie's old enough

to blow it on parties
or benders or whatever.

Imagine that, eh? When that happens?

It's gonna freak me out.

Mandy gets subbed
two a week from me dad.

Does she fuck.

Who's told you that? You see,
that's Paddy having you on,

cos I'm covering everything.

200?

Since when?

So what's...?

Where's my 50 going?

Lip's trying to guess
what nappies cost a week.

Average.

What's routine output?

Five, six craps a day,

plus six or seven for just
fluids, seven days a week.

Then food, clothes, rent, utilities.

50 can't cover that lot, surely?

Great start, Mand.

That's how you're meant to go on.

Back in the your cage.

Cunt.

Why is it always me?!

Why is it always me?!

Why is it always me?!

Because it is!

Cut the racket, you dickless fuck.

What's your problem?

Actually, is there such
a thing as a problem?

Hm? If you truly understand the
meaning of the word solution?

Three points for
speeding on Chadwick Green.

Oh! Ha!

And why isn't that funny
in a post-modern thingy, ah?

Coming from the slowest fucking
organism on God's green earth.

You - for speeding?!

I've never even been
to Chadwick Green!

Jamie had it that weekend.

Oi! What?!

Why would Jamie be riding your bike

in Chadwick Green,
when he's in Derbyshire with Karen?

Why did you do this, Mandy?

We needed the help!

But you had me thinking I was
supporting the both of us -

bare-faced fucking lies! Do you even
know what this makes me feel like?

Oh, rejection so far, Mandy.

Not a bit bare-faced?
Weeks of acting depressed.

Me up until 3am writing letters to
the universities, calling them all twats for letting you down!

We swore! Both swore!

If we were gonna do this, we'd
only do it off our own...

Where's the harm in a sub if it
helps dad feel needed?!

Good for Paddy! That is our backs.

Never mind what that proves!

Lip's not even close to enough!

Believe what you want, prick!
The only thing that proves without

doubt is, the most important thing
Lip needs is what fucking Lip needs!

So see yourself out, prick!

Oi!

If you get a number that isn't

the square root of an equational
logarithm, that's a forfeit, yeah?

Yes.

But, if I get a dart in the big
circle, Bunty,

you have to buy me a drink, yeah?

Yes.

Oh! Tough.

Industrial standard umbrellas...

Fixed penalty,
60 quid cos of this muppet!

Will you shut up about
that fucking ticket?!

I've told you it's a technical
error, I'll ring them.

I've tried, 16 times!

So I'll pay the fine.
Can we drop it?

Fine.

But that's me on nine points now!

Another three, bye-bye licence,
then I'm stuffed! No transport!

Yeah, thanks!

Big deal.

I can't manage without me bike.

You don't go anywhere.

What the fuck's wrong
with everyone today?!

What are you having a go at me for?!

Cos you're always whingeing
about not getting laid.

So?

So you're not gonna get any cock
hanging round here, are you?

So? Cos you're not getting mine.

So, who's asking?!

So stop wasting life -
that's pointless enough as it is.

And stop trying to buy me drinks!

Ah, ah!

Oh, come on, Bunty, you're giving
incest a bad name, you dozy bitch.

Grab that first aid box.

But for the grace of God goes
every one of us.

He threw that.

I need an ambulance!
I think I'm gonna faint.

Oh, don't be so gay.

Well, stick a pencil down his gob,

you know,
or a bunch of keys down his keks.

Well, tell him we need
some smelling salts.

Alternatively, tourniquet thingy.

How embarrassing's
that for a Maguire?

Jamie?

Jamie?

Ian!

Does that feel all right?

Lovely.

Paddy, what are you doing?

Karen, d'you know that man?

Paddy, get off!

Paddy, get off!

Out!

Grave error, Karen,
taking me for an imbecile.

What have I said now?

Not enough for my liking.

Weekends away with my son,
where is it you two actually go?

Anderton Lodge weekends.

If you say so.

And who's he talking to there?

Anderton Lodge, it's
Jamie's probation course,

so he deals with probation course
people, community liaison coppers.

You know this, Paddy.

Are you OK?

Paddy, look, you're scaring me.
Ring the lodge and ask the staff,

the police, the probation officers,
ask the police!

I did. Indirectly.

And? They corroborated.

See? So I'm asking her again,

our nearly new Karen,

what does she know about
Ronnie Cohen's death?

Him.

Why the fuck did Jamie
want them all dead?

One says suicide,
the other says accidental death.

I'm aware of that.

But if you know jack shit,

why provide alibis
for all three dates?

Alibis? We just went on a course.

So how the fuck's he near Cohen's
house the night he died?!

He wasn't though.

Except he was.

Jamie was clocked speeding, Chadwick
Green 2am, the night he's supposedly

tucked up in bed with you
in Derbyshire.

You do know.

Nothing.

But you do know that I'm not loopy
thinking what I'm thinking?

Thank you.

Actually, do you mind?
Helps me focus.

Cohen. I'm Ed Fawcett.

They'd agreed to close you down, Dad.

Come again?

Last October
when Cohen got paroled,

he persuaded them all
to put their heads together.

Regarding me?

To get you.

They were gonna move
in in your patch.

Everybody I've ever shared
a cell with?

Aggressive envy's
a pulse of economics.

Envy's about wanting
what someone else has got.

Jealousy's about
taking it away from them.

Don't Samuel Pepys me,
you US Open University prick.

These specimens were
total lightweights.

Worse than harmless.

Not if they joined forces.

There is no patch.

That's not my business model.

I'm in little patches,
invisible patches,

scattered patches all over the shop.

Precisely engineered to prevent the
Fawcetts, Ahmeds, Cohens getting

the faintest whiff of what makes
Patrick Maguire a man of his time.

These jokers,

they weren't capable
of joining three dots.

You fucking barbarian.

No, but our Fergal
was joining the dots for them.

Fergal was on Ahmed's pay roll.

So help me.

Denounce your brother again and I'll
kick you up there to make apologies.

I have been since last September.

A villa in our Fergal's name.

They bought him
that as a down payment.

I heard whispers from a new cellmate.

I couldn't get you involved.

You'd have waded in,
whacked the lot of them.

No thought for consequences.

Life for murder.

And a pleasure.

Not for Mum.

Not for your family.

And especially not for me who
was this close to a release date.

That's why you suddenly
reversed your plea.

After 10 years denying it.

I needed parole
because you needed help.

I've helped.

Was it them fuckers
that worked Fergal?

He was gonna bottle it.

And they couldn't risk him
grassing to you.

Source for that?

Horse's mouth.

Felix Fawcett,

just before he topped himself.

Good boy.

He didn't!

He's lying again
because he couldn't have.

Anderton Lodge, you never left
my side except for the last time.

I spiked your spliff with PVK.

'We both smoked it.'

'I didn't inhale.'

'That's why I had
massive downers on Mondays.'

'I only did it so you wouldn't know
enough to get into trouble, Karen.'

I'm so sorry.

You're not the only one, Paddy.

So what about your alibi?

Cops at Anderton Lodge.

And me.

What?

Plus me.

Your new Karen

who thought she'd agreed
to be somebody's wife

as opposed to bunging some legal
loophole that says she can't testify against her husband.

You were only marrying me
for an alibi.

No.

Well, fuck the lot of you.

It's all very well saying don't sell

tobacco to minors but that's
70% of our bleeding regulars.

You watch, they'll stop us
selling lollipops to fat kids next.

All right, that is it. Stop!

Get the police.

I think you'll find
that the bag is mine!

We need the police for a mugging.

Carl! Shit.

I'm sorry, Yvonne.

I didn't know it were you.

Never mind it's me.

Yvonne.

Hello, yeah, can I have
two balti curries,

please, a lamb pasanda
and some chapattis. What?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I have you both on speed dial,
I must have pressed wrong number.

Keys in there, get the car.

I needed the money.

If we all needed money that badly,
what kind of world would we live in?

Got a couple of quid for some smack.

Fuck off.

For what?

For what?

I've got a girl pregnant.

Oh! How many times have I...

Are you right in your bleeding head?
What have I always told you

about condoms?

They're not luxuries.
You shouldn't even leave the house

without checking there's one in your
wallet. Haven't I always said that?

I haven't got a wallet.

What's her name?

We need to talk about this one, Carl.

Don't you be twatting him.
I need him alive.

He's gonna be working this off
in shop for a long, long time.

Can you nip home
and tell the kids were I am?

The kids are in the car.

Why, what have you
brought them here for?

Cos, it's not your house anymore.

What?

Crawling with cops. They've sealed
it off. Assets recovery agency.

No-one's allowed in until
they've recovered

all the money
your husband pilfered.

My husband?!

Get off. I worked for years
for everything in that house.

It's nowhere near fair.

It's nowhere near fair.

Services have arranged emergency
housing for you and the kids.

It's down Parsons Wood.

Half my family still live there.

That's all right then, isn't it?

For what we are about to...

How come you lot never
eat round at yours?

Because he's put
a nail through gas pipe.

For what we are about to... When?

January.

For what we are about...

But you've turned the gas off?

He did.

For what we are about to receive

may the Lord make us truly
thankful... Paddy?

Amen.

Where've you been?

What's wrong with an April wedding
if we're claiming to be renegades?

We are in April.

So we are.

Are you out your fucking
mind, Paddy?

No...

...Madam, actually not.
I'm definitely not

out of my mind but, Madam,
thank you for the concern.

You'd best tell me
what the fuck's going on here.

I need this wedding signed and sorted

like Saturday or this world of ours

goes tits up forever.

You know we're right to be scared.

Know why? We're not children
any more.

This got left for you.

Watch the step, mind.

How's it going there, the refurb?

They're annoyingly undersurprising.

Come and have a gander.

Or a goose even.

Oh, my God, Cal, what have you done?

I need a tenner for the taxi.
Quick, before it's 11.

What have you done now,
you big daft gormless apoth?

New rule, no stamping up stairs
when I'm working stuff out.

Ta-ra.

Hello.
This is Norma Starky speaking.

I've got one of your people
sprucing up my Norma mobile,

could you just remind me what
that's costing me in total, please?

'£3,400 plus VAT.'

Thank you. And have you any idea
where I'm finding the money?

Carl, who have you got pregnant?

In his dreams, the gimp.

The day he starts multiplying

we all need to start running
and taking cover.

That so?!

Carl!

So what's the secret
of your success, eh?

Lip Gallagher, loving the sound
of his own smart-arsed voice.

Talking the talk about going
somewhere. And being somebody.

Being what? What?!

When you got Mandy pregnant the only
person you talked about were you.

I'd pay anything not to be like you.

Having to pay for an abortion
so I don't end up like you

because the first time you have
kids, I wanna be the furthest,

the absolute fucking furthest
I could from looking anything

like people like you.

Who is it, Carl?

Carl, who is it?

I can't help you
if I don't know the facts.

Facts are nobody else's business.

Oh, only me.

We're busy.

Debbie, Yvonne's downstairs,
says she wants to see you.

She knows.

For fuck's sake, she knows.

It's Meena!

Carl, swear it's not Meena.

Yvonne's Meena?!

'Hiya, it's Karen, leave a message.'

Maybe she's gone down
to her mother's.

Frank might have an address.

When your dad got paroled
from Wandsworth, I said if it's

taught you nothing else, you know
how to make a decent bed, Mister.

It will sort itself out.

We'll find her.

Hero.

Big favour, Debbs.
We need somewhere to live.

Course. We can make
some room for a few days.

I don't mean board or lodgings.

I've been on phone to your Fiona,
I've agreed a price for next door.

I just need our bedding
and shit till we get sorted.

Yvonne, you can't live here.

I can live where I want
if I'm paying in cash, Carl.

Tell her.

Meena's pregnant.

To me.

In her dreams she's pregnant.

Like last five lads
she tried this on with.

Hey?

How much did she ask you for?

500 by Friday.

What have I told you?
That is a blackmail.

So you're not?

This isn't fair,
you spoil everything.

What did that doctors say?

She needs admitting.

The shrink we paid for.

Oh, two sessions a week.

She'll be right as rain in a year!

I don't think so, pal,

cos you must have got somewhere
near to think she were.

Never again.

Give me your word.

Right.

Lip, it's Jamie.

Look, I'm sorry about
what happened but I need a favour.

Do you know what time it is,
you mad twat?

I know, mate, I'm sorry but I
need an address for Karen's mum.

Your dad must know
where she's living.

I'm not asking him.

Just tell him I wouldn't be waking
him up if it wasn't an emergency.

He's not asleep.

So what's the problem?

Dad.

Dad. What?

It's for you. Yeah.

The phone for you.

What now? Fucking hell.

'I just need an address
or a landline number.'

For Sheila.

I'll give you a number.

And in at number nine this week is
Pick As You Wish.

With, er, hits bohemian thingy.

Plus Pan's People showing their
snatch on prime-time television.

'It wrecks yer kecks.'

What's that? Whack!

What's all the noise?

Sorry, Callum. It's our Mickey's.

I've never used one of these before.
You need warning, though.

Some of this is gonna be details
you won't like listening to.

It's the only option if it's my last
chance clear my name with you.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Forever our child,
forever our keeper.

God owes you one.

Night-night.

And how long can I work there
without applying for a permit officially?

Well, for the first three months...

Sorry, what you doin'?

You can't go in there!

Do one!

If I could just get your credit
card, we'll get on with the booking.

The fact we haven't hit it off,

I bet you think I don't like women.

I'm more used to boys,
easier to please.

Less imagination.

A few days round yours,
I felt great.

Only child,
middle of a massive family.

Maybe.

Or twigging 'em further up the
barrel than I ever thought possible.

You don't need a wedding
to stop me grassing on him. I honestly couldn't be fucked.

Life's too short, Mimi.

And, eh, so are you.

Height's no advantage
if your brain's anorexic, Tinkerbell.

'Like the eternity ring, Karen, this
is yours to do with what you want.

'So long as you know it proves
beyond doubt that I didn't need you as an alibi.

'I asked you to marry me
because you're the only woman I couldn't be without.

'I murdered all three of them.

'I'm not proud of that, but they
deserved it and I'll do it again under the same circumstances...'

Jesus, Mimi! If this gets out
they'll bang him up for good.

Up the barrel to you.

Guard it with his life.

20 million women.

Name one with vows like yours.

That's why boys make good company,
Karen.

Mine anyway.

It's miles to my school from here.

Mine's nearer - longer in bed.

I can't afford school fees
and private shrinks.

I've got you both into Chatsworth
High School.

Mum! No! You can't!
I'm not going there!

You were fucked up enough
with one personality!

I told you!

50p for a cup of tea, Mister?

Get back in your car
or you're going home in a coffin.

I heard you got this place.
I brought you this.

Is that the thing?
Throw families out on the street and bring 'em a plant?!

Nobody enjoys repossessing houses.

Well don't fucking do it then!

What do you think, Norma?

For once in me life, I feel like
I got me money's worth!

Ho-ho-ho!

OK, make that twice in me life!

Oh! This is a happenin' thing then,
eh, Chick?

Eh?

Eugh! Full-on gays, kissing!

What's going on?

We're off!

You're not going for good?

It was your idea, buddy boy.

I said pretend
you're going somewhere.

How's it going?

I didn't mean
you should actually go to Texas.

Fuck's sake, Norma.

You can't leave!

Since when did my house become
a refugee camp?

Since you moved into the pub
and stopped paying us rent.

And I took over t'mortgage and
if Carol asks very nicely, in Urdu,

you might get a lift back
to t'pub with these.

Over-educated pikeys.

A working-class variant known to us
as two-faced, jumped-up cunts.

No abbreviation available, sorry.

Billions, taxpayers' money,

persuading scabby little know-alls
they can be anything they want,

that there's a place for 'em
at the top if they work twice as hard as a semi-detached.

Tinkers with nits and social workers
turning into captains of industry,

Members of Parliament,

teachers, lawyers, doctors and, you
know, fucking them lot, thingies...

You know how it's meant
to work - float to the top, sending privileges downstream to us.

Well, name one! Second they see past
Stafford, they're laughing at us!

Treat us like fucking infections! Us!

The hands that fed 'em,
us, the ones that taught them everything they know.

Crossing the eyes, dropping the Es.

So forth.

Eh, Exhibit A.

Poor old, fucking whatsit, Eugene!
Double shift every day for ten years

so their Christabelle could train
as a lawyer. What thanks did she give him? Er, hello?

Seven years' sentence for fiddling
with her yonks back - but yonks back!

Eh - suggestion box.

Leave the pikeys with us.

Spend some of the savings on welfare,
hold a few bob back for consequences,

redundancies,
riots, civil disorders, et cetera.

Job done, tick, over and out.

What was your question again?

Shift your seat, please, Frank,
cos these should be in the freezer.

You buyin' us a drink, Bo' Selecta?

Get lost!

Get fucked them. Shan't.

Bloody hell. What you got in here?

Just a few bikinis and that.

It's Texas, not Tenerife.

I know, but it's gonna be hot
and I wanna top up my tan.

You like it when I'm all tanned,
don't you? And oily.

What's this?

Hang on. Did you manage to...?

How many sides
can a love triangle have?

First you're cold, heartless and
smelly and then suddenly, soppy.

Gradually building up your strength
to win your girl back... again?

Lezzers or not, you're
just showing yourselves up.

Come on! Inside!

Get changed into penis-based clobber

and we can hie thee off with
shitloads of tweezers, fair lady.

He's right, Norm - if we set off
now, we'd only hit the traffic.

Why don't you come to the pub
with us?

It'll be a laugh!

♪ We've come so far

♪ And we've reached so high

♪ And we've looked each day
and night in the eye

♪ And we're still so young

♪ And we hope for more

♪ We've come a long way

♪ But we're not too sure
where we've been

♪ Doo-doo-doo

♪ We've had success
♪ Doo-doo-doo

♪ We've had good times
♪ Doo-doo-doo

♪ But remember this

♪ Been on this path of life
for so long

♪ Feel I've walked a thousand miles

♪ Sometimes strolled hand-in-hand
with love

♪ Everybody's been there

♪ With danger on my mind,
I would stand on the line of hope

♪ And I knew I could make it

♪ Once I knew the boundaries,
I looked into the clouds and saw

♪ My face in the moonlight

♪ Just then I realised
what a fool I could be

♪ Just cos I look so high,
I don't have to see me

♪ Finding the paradise wasn't easy
but still

♪ There's a road going down
the other side of this hill

♪ Never forget
where you've come here from

♪ Never pretend that it's all real

♪ Someday soon this will all be
someone else's dream

♪ This will be someone else's dream

♪ Never

♪ Everybody sing, ooh baby!

♪ Never

♪ No, never

♪ Never forget, no, no

♪ Come on! Come on!
Everybody, everybody!

♪ Everybody, everybody!

♪ Never forget
where you've come here from

♪ Never pretend that it's all real

♪ Someday soon, this will all be
someone else's dream

♪ This will be someone else's dream

♪ We've come so far

♪ And we've reached so high

♪ And we'd looked each day
and night in the eye

♪ And we're still so young
♪ I shagged the bride

♪ And we hope for more ♪
♪ I shagged the bride ♪

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