Original subtitles

Look, I'm probably not gonna live long enough

to teach you everything you need to know,

so let's just run through a couple things real fast.

Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always.

Even if you think you're right, be respectful.

Number two, don't mix white and dark liquor.

That's how you end up in the back of a police car.

Speaking of which, get you a white friend.

Black men with white friends are 38% less likely

to be shot by the police.

Are you listening?

You just gonna stare at me.

(baby cooing)

You just gonna stare. That's what you're gonna do?

This is serious stuff, man.

I'm gonna put this on video for you,

and when you're old enough,

you come back and watch it, deal?

All right, deal.

(audience cheering)

Thank you, Frederick Douglass.

(cheers and applause)

But if we get rid of the Confederate flag...

(laughter)

(man) Yeah!

...how am I gonna know

who the dangerous white people are?

I'm just saying, the flag had a couple upsides.

Let's just be real about it.

I ain't saying keep it around, but I grew up in the South.

I can't tell you how many times

the Confederate flag came in handy.

You stopping for gas at a strange place

at 2:00 in the morning, you see that flag

hanging from the window,

you know this is not the place to get gas.

And you keep it moving.

What's the rush to get rid of the flag?

Especially if you white.

If you white, you should want to keep the flag

for a little while longer so at least black folks

will know you cool.

'Cause if you white and you not an asshole,

that's the one thing that helps us identify you.

You get rid of that flag, we'll be-- Mm-mmm.

We got to figure out a way to know

who the cool white people--

Cool white people, we just got to start giving y'all

wristbands or handstamps.

Just something you can show in a dark alley...

let us know you down with the struggle.

That'd be cool.

"Give me your money, white dude!"

Like, "Whoa, ahh, ahh, ahh!"

"I'm so sorry, come on through.

"Come-- come on through.

"No, they got the wristbands, they good.

"Listen, put this wristband on.

"This one over here, like--

In case it go down, you wanna have that wristband on."

Folks talking about they wear the Confederate flag,

they ain't racist.

That's fine, just know that it's a dark alley.

I ain't got time to ask you no questions.

I see that flag. It just is what it is.

You wear a particular garment, you just got to accept the fact

that you are gonna be assumed to be part

of a particular organization.

That's just what it is.

I love the color blue. I love wearing blue.

But the Crips have informed me...

that maybe I shouldn't wear blue all the time.

'Cause the gangs don't mess around.

They still don't want you wearing they colors.

You can't wear the blue, which make me mad.

Damn, brother, I'm 38 years old.

At what point can I wear blue again, sir?

You know, I obeyed all the gang rules in my 20s.

I didn't wear your colors, but I'm grown.

At this point, if I want to put on a blue shirt,

I should be able to put on a blue shirt

if I want a blue shirt.

But they don't do that. The Crips get in your face.

Yeah, mother-- What hood you claiming, boy?

What hood you--

Sir, I'm claiming adulthood, okay?

That's my hood.

That--

And I had a blazer on. That's what made it so bad.

I had a blazer on on top of my blue shirt.

What make you think I'm--

What gang you know put a blazer on

before they start murdering?

Who you know?

Even if I am a Crip, obviously, I'm a supervisor.

You're out of line.

I will write your ass up.

Atlanta, what's going on?

How y'all doing, man? Y'all good?

(cheers and applause)

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you a lot, man.

Love the South, man. I'm from Birmingham, man.

It's good to... (cheers and applause)

Birmingham in here.

Yeah, yeah, Birmingham in here.

I love the South, man.

You know, South, we got some tension.

We got our issues, you know.

I talked to my uncle about it. You know, my uncle.

"First thing we need to do is get rid of the N-word."

My uncle don't like the N-word, my Uncle Derek.

Hate the N-word, be trying to--

My uncle trying to quit the N-word

the way people try to quit cigarettes,

a little bit at a time.

It's a word. Ain't no cravings.

Either you say it or you don't.

My uncle be calling me every week with updates.

"I only said it four times this week.

"Mm-hmm.

"Only said that four times.

"Now, Sunday's my cheat day, 'cause I watch football.

"I got to say it. I got to say it on Sunday.

"Grown man drop a first down, I got to call him the N-word.

That's just what it is."

And this is my thing with the N-word, like--

Like, at this point, black folks, like, if we trying

to get stuff done politically in this country--

We inching, we doing, we inching, we inching,

but at this point, I think it's time for us

to schedule a meeting with gay people,

'cause gay people get way more shit done than us.

(applause)

They don't mess around.

Gay people shut shit down.

They want something to go away, it's gone.

They don't fool around, man.

Every week, it's five, six new words

you can't call gay people.

Black folks, we've been working on the N-word since 1804.

We can't get one word out the American vocabulary.

Gay people up to 37 words.

We need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people,

and have a soup and salad and figure this out.

Yeah, that's how you figure out your issues,

over soup and salad.

You can't even say "gay" no more.

That's how good gay people are.

The only word left to address gay people by.

You better not fumble that word in a sentence.

That's your ass.

You use "gay" in the wrong context at work

and see if you don't have to go talk to Sylvia in HR.

HR be on your ass immediately

'cause you mumbled "gay" one time the wrong way.

You was by yourself when you said the shit

and you still got in trouble.

It's not like you was walking through the cubicles

telling gay jokes, you was...

You was in the break room, you was alone,

and your chips got stuck and you cussed.

That don't mean you a bad person, you was just hungry.

You say anything when you're hungry.

Every man in this room, we've all been through it.

Them chips get stuck at the top of the machine,

and you try to jostle the machine a little bit.

Them chips don't fall, ain't nobody got change for a dollar,

so you can buy two packs, so you gotta shake...

"Give me the chips, you gay-ass machine!"

"Sylvia, line two. Sylvia, line two.

Security to the break room, security to the break room."

And that's it and you gone

'cause you called some chips gay.

But that's the power of the gay agenda.

They figured out a way to influence the political process

of this country to make sure that their issues

are at least heard.

Even if people don't get the bills passed,

they at least listen to 'em,

and that's what I'm trying to tell my uncle.

You don't like the N-word, man,

you wanna get rid of the N-word,

this all you gotta do.

Start calling gay people --.

(laughter and applause)

It'll be gone tomorrow.

Listen, I don't like it either, all right,

but that's the best idea I got right now, okay?

At least that's what I'm gonna teach my son.

I'm a father figure. I got to show him the right way.

They try to divide us on television, you know.

But there's a lot of people that aren't black

that's standing on the right side of issues that affect us.

I appreciate those folks, you know.

(applause)

They don't get highlighted enough.

There's plenty of people out there

that care about black stuff.

I done seen 'em, man.

I went to-- I went to a black history museum,

I had a white tour guide.

Hey, it threw me off for a second.

I turned to the brother that was on the tour with me,

I was like, "Is this the dude? He's gonna do it?"

It was a white dude, it was a white dude

telling me about my shit.

And he was good!

Yeah, I was trying to hate on him.

By the end of the tour, I was like,

"Yo, bro, you did your thing, man.

"Straight up, fam, you do what you do.

"Hey, real quick, let me give you

"one of these wristbands real quick.

"Yeah, put that on.

In case it go down, you want to wear that wristband."

Mm-hmm.

You gotta respect a white person

work at a black history museum.

You gotta respect that. That was a choice.

He white. He could work anywhere.

He chose a black history museum.

You know that job interview was a son of a bitch.

How many extra questions did he have to answer?

'Cause you black and old,

it ain't shit to work at a civil rights museum.

You just walk in, "Uh, that's me on the picture."

What you filling out paperwork for?

You on the wall.

But if you white, you know they just grilling that dude,

asking him all kinds of questions that ain't had

nothing to with black history, all in that dude face.

"Your paperwork looks good, everything checks out.

"Real quick, uh,

at what temperature do you deep-fry catfish?"

"Mm-hmm.

"350?

That's what-- Okay, that's... 350."

(chuckles)

I know some folks got a problem with that.

You don't want a white person at a black history museum,

I understand that. Here's the thing.

I'm not saying they're better than a black tour guide.

I think a black tour guide at a civil rights museum,

I think they're better equipped to speak on the experience,

because they might've lived that life,

they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective

that nobody else can.

I just think if you go to a black history museum

and you got a black tour guide, you need to go in the morning

while he's still in a good mood.

'Cause that brother is stressed.

You can't walk around slavery all day for eight hours

and not cuss at somebody.

(cheers and applause)

Somebody getting cussed.

You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m.

He just finished that McGriddle.

"How y'all doing?

"My name is Charles, it's my pleasure

"to take you on this journey.

"Look at these exhibits right here.

"Black history is American history.

Come look at the exhibits."

You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30,

he been staring at slavery?

That dude liable to cuss out everybody.

"Look at this shit!

"Come look what you done to us!

"Come look what you done to us!

"Look what you--

Get your ass out my museum, --!"

You go to the gift shop, it's just people crying.

That's horrible.

That's scary.

My thing is this, man, it don't matter--

We may not agree on the problems,

we might not agree on the solutions,

but we gotta agree that something's wrong.

Something's wrong in America, you know?

(applause)

Something is definitely wrong.

There's black people standing on the freeway.

That is not normal black behavior.

That is a byproduct of a desperate situation

where you're trying to bring attention to an issue.

That-- these protests happen fast, man.

Injustice happens fast, so the demand for justice

has to be even quicker, and I get it.

That's the thing with being black now.

These protests happen anytime. They catch you off guard.

You gotta be ready.

I was at Red Lobster in New York.

You know, I'm just chilling,

I'm eating a Cheddar Bay Biscuit, good day.

I come out the door, it's a wave of black people

coming down the street.

And this the thing with being black, man.

Like, if you see a bunch of black people protesting,

you are now also protesting.

That's just it.

I don't know what you had planned today,

but you walking, you just got to merge in.

Soon as I came out of Red Lobster,

this dude was in my face.

"Is you with us, brother?!"

I was like, yeah, I went in

to get y'all some Cheddar Bays there.

Eat the biscuit!

Get you one of them biscuits, man.

We got a long way to walk.

You gotta have your simple starch.

Protests happen fast, boy.

Them protests happen fast.

You know when that stuff first started happening,

you know somebody got fired.

Somebody lost their job 'cause of that.

'Cause that's such a radical way

to express displeasure with a--

with a broken system, you know?

To literally just walk down

the -- on-ramp of a freeway.

That's not normal.

Like, that's so crazy, like, I guarantee you,

when all this freeway stuff started happening,

I guarantee you some people lost their job,

'cause their boss didn't believe 'em.

Ain't no way your boss believed you

when you said it was a wall of black folks on the freeway.

That's outrageous.

I guarantee you, somebody lost their job.

Somebody had to go in-- they had to go in and explain

to they boss a wall of Negroes.

"You're late again, Turner! What's your excuse this time?"

"Sir, you're not gonna believe this shit here.

It was a wall of Negroes up on the freeway."

"That's not how black people protest, Turner!

Get the hell out of my office!"

That's not the worst part.

The worst part is that-- that dude got fired,

then he had to go to the new job

and put down reason for leaving the old job.

There isn't enough room in that application.

There isn't enough room to write in

"and a wave of black people."

You can't write that in.

"So I'm looking at your paperwork here.

"It says that you, uh...

"You had an issue with being on time at your last job.

"You care to share with me why you were late

at your last job?"

(exhales)

"You ain't gonna believe this shit here.

There was a wave of Negroes on the freeway."

"Okay, and how did-- How did that--

How did that style of protest make you feel?"

"Well, I tell you how it made me feel.

"It was a little inconvenient, but at the end of the day,

"as a society, we should focus more

"on what people protest

instead of how people protest."

"Mmm, I couldn't agree with you more.

"Couldn't agree with you more.

"Tell you what. You're hired.

Welcome to the Black History Museum."

(applause)

"Welcome aboard.

You're on the team."

Something's wrong, man.

Just don't be one of these people that's surprised

that black folks got issues.

Them the people I can't deal with.

I'd rather talk to somebody that don't agree with me

than somebody that's had they eyes closed.

"Hey, did you know black people--

Why are black people angry?"

--, we been angry.

This ain't new.

You think this just happened last couple of years?

Black folks been trying to tell y'all forever

that they had some issues and we sat--

We invented the blues!

(laughter and applause)

What more of a sign did you need?

We literally invented an entire genre of music

based on sadness, that's how sad we were.

And we-- the blues was created here.

That is an American art form.

That is not native African--

Go listen to old African music.

The shit is happy 'cause we was free.

(cheers and applause)

Go back.

Every old African song.

♪ We have freedom in Africa ♪

♪ Freedom in Africa

♪ Freedom, got freedom in Africa ♪

Soon as we got off the slave ship.

(imitating blues guitar)

(imitating harmonica)

We've been sad.

How the hell are you surprised?

"Yeah, but, they're not patriotic.

"Black people don't like the national anthem anymore.

What is..."

That ain't no shock to you, man.

(woman) That's right.

You wanna know what black folks feeling?

Just listen to their music.

Our music tell you everything that's going on

in the black psyche.

It's a beautiful... telegram.

(applause)

And nowhere in the history of black music

is there a hit patriotic song.

That ain't what we do.

I mean, we'll cover a song, but, like,

we don't write no original patriotic songs.

Black artists ain't never--

'Cause we got a conflicted relationship with the country.

You can't write no honest patriotic song.

You gotta leave that to white artists.

They done had a good time.

You had a good time in America,

you damn right you should be writing a patriotic--

♪ And I'm proud to be an American ♪

♪ Where at least I know I'm free ♪

(cheers and laughter)

They be serious.

You couldn't possibly expect that level of patriotism

from a race of people that have had so many issues, you can't.

It's not realistic. Black people don't--

We don't sing about America.

We sing about specific cities

where you can have a good-ass time.

That's what we do.

We don't talk about the country.

We can tell you where the party at, though.

We can do that.

Look, I can't tell you nothing about America,

but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on

all night on the beach 'til the early morn.

Welcome to Miami, that's where you got to go.

You ever been to California?

Oh, my God, boy, you got to go down to California, boy.

Boy, California knows how to party.

The city of L.A., the city of good ol' Watts

and the city of Compton.

They keep it rockin'.

Write that shit down, I'm trying to tell you.

They keep it rockin'.

Black people don't do patriotism.

Maybe "Georgia on My Mind."

That's the closest we probably come.

Maybe that, maybe that.

That's a good song, it's warm, it's about the country.

Ray Charles, "Georgia on My Mind," good song.

But... the key word in that song

is "on my mind."

Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia.

He didn't tell you to go there.

Georgia's like every other part of the South.

It's got some pockets you should not be in after dark.

If you'd have asked Ray Charles to be more specific

on where in Georgia to go,

he'd have said to go to Atlanta where the players play

and they ride in them thangs like every day.

(cheers and applause)

(chuckles)

My Uncle Derek tried to shut me down on that one.

"What about James Brown 'Livin' in America'?

"That's patriotic, James Brown singing about America.

It's original and he black."

♪ Livin' in America

♪ Eye to eye

♪ Livin' in...

It's a good song, but keep it real, man.

James Brown wrote that song for "Rocky IV,"

and as soon as he finished singing it,

Apollo Creed died in the ring.

It's a sad song.

It's a sad song.

How can you hear "Livin' in America" and not think about

Apollo Creed just falling lifeless to the--

Michael B. Jordan lost his daddy that day.

If anything, "Livin' in America" is not patriotic.

It's the opposite.

It's a secret message to black people.

James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians

to ever walk this earth, dude.

It's a brilliant song.

(cheers and applause)

That song ain't got nothing to do with America.

That entire song, "Livin' in America"

is a secret message to black folks.

All you gotta do, listen to the end of the song.

Very end of "Livin' in America,"

all James Brown do is just start naming cities.

That's it, end of the song.

♪ Livin' in America

♪ New Orleans, Detroit City ♪

♪ Dallas, Pittsburgh

♪ Kansas City, Atlanta

He just naming safe places for black folks.

That's-- that's it.

That's all he did!

He wrote a song about America,

and then at the end told black people specifically

where to go rent an apartment.

He was just...

♪ Livin' in America

♪ But only here in Detroit, in Pittsburgh ♪

"New York City, Kansas City, that's all--

"Don't go nowhere else.

Don't you go nowhere other than that."

Love black music, man.

Hits you, you know.

That's why I have-- that's why I have a hard time

going to see civil rights movies.

I have to go see civil right movies

in the middle of the day

so nobody can see me crying.

'Cause them movies be hitting you, man.

Civil rights movies get me with that Negro humming.

Oh, my God, I break down.

'Cause you know, every civil rights movie just got

that scene where it's just some humming.

♪ Freedom

(humming)

You tell me that don't break you down,

in the middle of a civil rights movie, just that humming?

There don't even be nothing serious happening on screen,

I be crying.

It's just a dude putting butter on a waffle, and just...

(humming)

♪ Freedom

(humming continues)

You be in the theater bawling.

"He was just putting butter on the waffle!

They wouldn't let him, they wouldn't let him."

Civil rights movies get me all the time, man.

They get me with that humming, and then they always

make black people fall in slow motion.

Yo, every civil rights movie, a black person fall in slow--

Why you got to slow down my pain?

Just play it at regular speed.

Any time a black person falls in a civil rights movie,

they fall, then they do that double bounce in the dirt

and the dirt come up.

"Get out of here, darkie! Just get out!"

"Ohhh!"

Pfft! Pfft!

(cheers and applause)

Don't do that to me.

Most powerful civil rights movie scene

of all time is "Selma."

I can name the scene.

It's when Oprah Winfrey got slapped.

This dude slapped the fire-- It was the second time,

not the first time she got slapped, the second time.

This dude slapped Oprah Winfrey so hard,

she fell in slow motion and there was Negro humming.

I left the theater.

I couldn't even tell you how the movie ended.

It was too powerful. My emotions.

First of all, Oprah couldn't have known

she was getting slapped.

She didn't know.

She didn't know she was getting slapped.

That dude-- That was Ava DuVernay,

that was the director, she made that choice.

That's a good-ass director,

Ava DuVernay went up to that actor between scenes.

"Okay, we love what you're doing, okay?

"We're getting a lot of good stuff from you.

"We're just gonna change it up this scene.

"Okay, this time, this time,

"Oprah's gonna come over, okay?

"She's gonna do her lines, and Oprah,

"she finishes her lines, you slap the shit out, just--

slap Oprah."

"Does Oprah know?"

"No, do what I tell you! I'm Ava DuVernay!

Slap Oprah!"

Oprah came over to that dude, man.

You could see it in her face.

She didn't know that-- that slap was coming.

"We ain't leaving till we get our rights."

Skaboom!

♪ Oh, freedom

(humming)

Pfft! Pfft!

The thing about this country is this:

We're all Americans. People love to say that.

That's the first thing people want to say when--

when there's some tension.

"Oh, we're all Americans.

"You're American and I'm American.

"Well, just, hell, we all Americans.

Can't we just be all Americans?"

Yeah, we are.

We all Americans.

But we live in two different Americas.

That's what it is.

People forget that.

And I don't think everybody that...

doesn't understand what we go through

is necessarily racist or bigoted.

That's-- That's a far jump.

It's a lot of folks that just straight-up don't know

what it's like.

And you gotta educate 'em.

You gotta educate 'em on the kind of America you live in.

I had to go to Best Buy and give a dude some straightening.

Straighten his ass out, yeah.

I'm straightening.

Dude at Best Buy gonna decide I don't need a bag

with my purchase.

"You just have an iPhone case.

I figure you could just pop that open."

No, I ain't popping shit. You put it in a bag.

I need that in a bag.

"What do you need a bag for?

"I don't understand why you need a bag.

"It's wasteful. Recycle.

Don't you care about the Earth?"

I go, "Sir, this has nothing to do with the Earth.

"I'm a black man in America.

I gotta leave this store with a bag, bro."

(cheers and applause)

It's about safety.

I'm black, I don't get the luxury of just walking out

with shit in my hand.

That is a roll of the dice.

That is a horrifying day if I--

No, not only do I need that bag, bitch,

I need that receipt!

And staple it to the outside.

I don't want a receipt in my hand.

You staple my receipt to the outside

like Chinese carryout,

and I'll hold it up in the air, I'll "Lion King"--

I'll "Hakuna Matata" an iPhone case

out of Best Buy.

And it's not his fault. He just didn't understand.

He thought he was saving the Earth,

but he was saving a life, that's what he was doing.

This has nothing to do with recycling, man.

'Cause, see, you might be a cool person.

He might-- The cashier might be a cool-ass dude,

but we don't know what the security guard

been through up front.

I come prancing out of Best Buy

with this naked-ass iPhone case in my hand.

And here comes security.

"Excuse me, sir. Did you pay for that?"

Oh, yeah, I got the receipt.

"He's going for a gun!" Skaboom!

♪ Oh, freedom, ohh

Pfft! Pfft!

(cheers and applause)

We're all Americans.

It's just different Americas.

(woman) That's right.

Black folks, we also gotta--

We gotta try--

I ain't saying we gonna do it, but we gotta try sometimes

to give the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

Everything ain't racism.

About 2%, it's about 2%...

that ain't racism.

You gotta recognize that 2% when you see it.

I was in McDonald's, this dude was cussing everybody out.

Swore it was racism.

I walked in this fast food spot,

this dude cussing everybody out.

And this is the thing,

like, fast food spots already do shady stuff,

so I'm not saying they don't deserve to be cussed out.

They do, they deserve a good cussing every now and then,

'cause the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots,

they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets.

(audience murmurs)

You know, you want an extra sauce with your nuggets,

it's gonna be-- "Oh, you want another sauce, brother,

it's gonna be 25 cents."

How you charging for sauce, bro?

That's-- I want two sauces.

"Well, I need a quarter."

You ever meet the Guardian of the Sauce?

This dude is serious.

Done got a different color shirt from everybody else at work,

so now he arrogant.

"Well, you know, brother, I'm a supervisor now.

"I have a shirt on.

You know, if it was up to me, I would give you another sauce."

It is up to you!

It's on your side of the counter!

I just want two sauces without paying for 'em,

that's all I want.

But I walked in this spot, man,

this dude was cussing out the whole store.

Swore it was racism.

And I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes

for him getting bad service,

I'm just saying, he jumped to that conclusion a little fast.

He didn't go through the progressions.

He ordered a six-piece nugget,

and it was five nuggets in the box.

And I didn't even know what was going on.

I'm texting, as soon as I walk in the door,

I'm texting, I hear this dude,

I hear this dude over in the cut,

I hear this dude go, "I'll kill everybody in this bitch."

(laughter and applause)

You know, that-- that gave me pause,

'cause he said he'll kill everybody in this bitch.

And I already had a foot in the door.

Am I technically in this bitch, sir?

'Cause I can pull this foot out and go to Arby's.

It ain't that deep.

Swore it was racism, man.

"Y'all stole my nugget. I'm tired of white folks."

"White folks don't want us to have shit!

Stole my nugget!"

Then he gonna turn to me.

"You see this shit, brother? You see this McDonald's?

"It's our nuggets today.

It's our children's nuggets tomorrow."

And I'm trying to reason with the dude.

I'm like, you sure they stole the nugget?

They stole it, that's...

That's what you gonna roll with, out the gate?

Just off the top stole it?

'Cause you know, sometimes, they might've forgot, some--

You know, sometimes the nuggets be stuck together.

You got to go through the progressions.

You might have a double nugget.

Check and see if you got the double nugget.

Hey, that's good luck.

You get the double nugget, you bite that one first.

"Ain't no double nugget! White folks, they stole it!

If I was white, I'd have got seven nuggets."

That's when I backed off.

I'm like, I can't help this dude.

I'm like, look, bro, I know you mad

and there's a lot of racial tension in the world,

but this ain't racism.

This is a fast food spot

at 2:00 in the morning.

Some of them folks back there can't count to six.

You want six nuggets, you need to order

a four-piece and two-piece.

That's how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free.

(cheers and applause)

(chuckles)

I like fast food employees.

I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude.

I like it.

At least it's from the heart.

'Cause people too nice now.

You go out to these stores, everybody, "Hey, how you doing?

Are you good? Thank you for choosing us."

You think them people wanna be your friend,

or they'll get fired for not speaking?

Which one you think it is?

'Cause 10, 15 years ago,

nobody spoke to you when you went in the store.

Now, all of a sudden, everybody wanna kick it with your ass?

No!

That's a corporate mandate, and I'd rather you not do it.

I get in the grocery store.

It's just too many questions at the register.

Just ring up the shit that's on the belt.

We ain't gotta be friends.

I'm here, I'm spending money, you won.

What else do you want?

Why I gotta be your friend, too, man?

The price you pay for politeness is your time.

So you want somebody to be nice to you?

That's cool, enjoy it,

but I'd rather get them minutes back with somebody I know.

And stop asking me if I got the discount card,

I ain't go the discount card.

If I ain't pull it out, I ain't got it.

Don't ask me.

Standing at the register having a 15-minute negotiation

about why I should become a member of your club.

-- your club, bro. I don't wanna be in it.

Just for that, I ain't coming back.

I was gonna come back, but then you asked me

to be in the club, now I don't wanna, mm-mmm.

I don't need all this politeness, man, I'm cool.

'Cause people overdo it.

I went on a cruise.

This is the weirdest thing ever, man.

You go on a cruise, you meet every employee.

(scattered laughs)

Yeah, you been-- yeah. Every--

You go on a cruise-- I met the captain of the boat.

The captain of the cruise ship

does laps around the boat every day speaking to people.

That's too much.

I have no need to meet you, sir.

Listen, there's no-- At no point in my vacation

do I need to meet the highest-ranking officer

on the boat.

I don't need to-- to do that.

I'm at the pool, here come the captain.

He's got his stupid jacket on. He's sashaying around there.

"Welcome aboard, I am the captain, yes.

"We are having pleasure,

We are in ocean and we have pleasure."

He's got them stupid medals dangling off his jacket.

Took heavy fire in Cozumel.

I don't know how he got 'em, but he's got...

"We are having fun in the ocean.

Sir, are you having fun?"

Bitch, who driving?

It's too much.

You go on a cruise, it makes you appreciate airline pilots.

I respect airline pilots.

Airline pilots ain't got no chitchat for you,

no small talk before the flight.

You don't even meet 'em.

That's the flight attendant's job.

You get on the plane, who you see first?

It's the flight attendant.

"Welcome aboard, how are you?

Walk in this way..."

Captain ain't got time to talk to your goofy ass.

You get on the plane, look in the cockpit, what you see?

Two alcoholics checking buttons, that's all you see.

What's that, two grown-ass men, just...

"Did you check all the buttons?

"Okay, you can check the buttons up here

"and then you check the buttons down here.

"Okay, just-- don't-- just check-- start over.

"Ladies and gentlemen, there's gonna be a slight delay.

"Uh... gotta recheck all these buttons.

Thank you for choosing--" (imitates static)

That's it, that's the captain's job,

to come over the intercom, let you know what's happening.

That's it. No jokes, all business.

That's why they pause the movie, they stop serving drinks,

'cause the captain got important shit to say.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.

"We about to go up in the sky, so sit that ass down

"so we can get up there.

"If something go wrong, talk to them heifers in the back.

"I can't help your ass, 'cause I'm up here,

"I'm trying to fly this bitch.

"So don't you come up here.

"My door's locked. I got a shotgun.

-- with us. Thank you for choosing--"

(imitates static)

(cheers and applause)

The captain is all business, and I respect that.

He's all business until the plane lands.

That's when he know it's time

to get some respect from y'all.

The captain knows that he did some dope shit,

and he wants you to know he did some dope shit.

"I just flew you 500 miles an hour

"at 30,000 feet, I landed this flight

"in a 50-mile-an-hour crosswind on the first attempt.

I want you to know who your God is."

(laughter and applause)

Yeah, the captain want his respect.

That's why when you get off the plane,

the captain be standing in the door like a boss,

like, "What's up?"

Copilot be next to him, like...

You can't do nothing but show love to the captain.

I'm like, yo, bro, you did your thing, man.

You flew that plane.

Real quick, let me give you one of these wristbands.

Gonna put that on.

In case it jump off, wear your wristband.

I'm trying to lose weight.

It's hard, man.

Losing weight, they tell you everything you need to know

about losing weight except for how much it's gonna cost.

But it's hard when it's time to lose weight.

Drinking all these damn smoothies.

And they expensive-- five, six damn dollars

for fruit and ice in a cup, how?

How, Sway, how, how?

How is it five, six damn dollars

for fruit and ice in a cup?

And they trick you with smoothies, they try to trick us,

'cause they put all them little extra words and adjectives

in the name of the smoothie.

Don't fall for it. It's fruit and ice.

"Okay, you had a Mango Sunset Peach Tranquility and..."

Uh, no, mm-mmm.

I ain't have no Tranquility.

Take the Tranquility out, take that out.

Hold the Tranquility.

That-- that should knock it down to 3.50.

That should get it down.

Smoothies so expensive, I'm surprised rappers

don't talk about 'em in their songs.

Give a damn about a rapper

with a damn nice car and some jewelry.

You wanna impress me, pour some kale out in the club.

Do that.

That's how I know your ass got some mon...

♪ We drinking kale up in here ♪

♪ We got that kale up in here ♪

♪ People drinking kale up in here ♪

♪ We drinking kale--

There be some girl in a bikini

with soy milk just drizzling down.

(laughter)

I don't know about marriage, like...

A lot of my friends are married, and I'm at this weird age now,

I'm at this weird age, where, like,

I got friends getting married late

and I got friends that's getting divorced.

You know, and I don't know who to go celebrate with.

This my thing about divorce. What I love about divorce,

I love how people won't shut the hell up about they wedding,

but they divorce is none of your business.

That's not cool.

You running your mouth all this time about your engagement,

y'all break up, what happened?

I wanna know, tell me what happened.

Especially if I went to the wedding.

If I went to your wedding and you divorced,

I'm entitled to a one-page explanation,

much money as I spent.

Either you tell me why y'all getting divorced

or you give me back the toaster I bought your ass.

It's a good-ass toaster.

That's four-slice with the crumb tray, that's top-shelf.

With a bagel button.

You all know about that bagel button, that's for ballers.

My Uncle Derek told me to watch "Titanic."

"You want to learn how to woo a woman,

you got to watch 'Titanics.'"

Country for you, "Titanics."

"You don't know how to woo a woman, boy.

"I'm telling you, 'Titanics' show you.

"That boy Leo DiCaprio, boy, that boy got that girl, boy,

"and that girl was out of his league, he pulled her.

"And then he died, he died happy.

"He was smiling when he was drowning.

He float down smiling."

I went back and watched "Titanic."

"Titanic" is not that romantic of a movie.

It's a good film, but it ain't romantic.

"Titanic" is basically a movie about an old lady

who got some dick so good...

that she went back out into the ocean to say good-bye to it.

(laughter)

That's pretty much the movie.

Go back and watch "Titanic."

The whole thing is a flashback.

It's a 90-year-old lady and she's on the bow of a ship.

The whole movie's a flashback.

It's a 90-year-old lady, she's looking out into the water

and then it flashes back

to everything that happened on the ship,

he drowns, she lives, they come back present day

and she's looking out into the water

and then people are coming up and talking to her.

"Ma'am, are you-- are you thinking about

all your friends you lost out there?"

"Oh, no, baby, I'm thinking about that good dick

"that was down there.

"There's some good dick under that water,

"that's what I'm thinking about.

"Right here, 70 years ago.

"This is where I got my back beat out.

"Didn't you know that?

"Right here.

"Young gentleman, poverty-stricken,

"put that pipe on me, I couldn't handle it.

"Just steaming up and I was pressing my hand

"on that car window, that's why I walk like this.

Give me the jewelry."

She threw that jewelry into the water.

"Titanic" ain't no romantic movie.

If anything, it's a superhero movie.

It's a superhero movie.

Leo DiCaprio is a superhero, bro.

They had sex one time in that movie.

Once. They had sex one time in "Titanic."

And she remembered it for the next 70 years.

(laughter and applause)

You know how good your pipe game got to be?

To put it down once, one time, and for 70 years,

that's all she can think about.

She's 90.

Think about how much stuff you probably will forget.

I know by the time I'm 90, I'm not gonna where my--

I'm not gonna know where my car is parked,

I'm not gonna know my grandkids' names.

I'm gonna have my pills

in that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday trapdoor.

But this lady is 90 and she never forgot that one time--

His dick beat Alzheimer's.

That's a superpower.

You gotta respect that.

I like old people, man. I hope--

I hope I'm blessed enough to-- to live long,

change the diet up, add a couple years on the back end.

You know.

Old people, I just-- I want to get to that age

where I can just cuss people out for no reason.

You know what I'm saying? Just unprovoked cussed-outs.

Yeah, she already smiling.

You almost there? You got...

No, 'cause you look a little young.

You got a little more time, but you just--

You already trained, you already cuss people now.

Yeah, man, you old,

you get to just cuss people out for no reason.

I was in the grocery store,

this old dude rolled up on me, man.

"I was in the struggle, --."

"And you weren't there!"

I wasn't bothering this dude.

I'm in produce, I'm picking out my Fuji apples.

I'm not bothering nobody, Fuji apples.

But he rolled up his sleeve, he showed me the scars.

Dude's old, 80, 85 years old.

"Look at that scar.

Ask me-- ask me how I got the scar."

How'd you get the scar?

"I got it in the struggle, --."

"You don't know what it was like in '62."

I'm like, "What was it like?"

"It was a struggle, you son of a bitch."

And this is the thing, man, this is the thing

with old black people, man, old black people,

like, you can't disrespect 'em, because they have physical proof

that they were willing to die

to make the country a better place for me,

so I have to salute it. I paid for his groceries.

This dude called me -- for 20 minutes.

And I paid for his groceries.

Just off respect.

That got me thinking on the way home...

you know, what have I done?

And that's-- that's a very sobering feeling,

it's a sobering realization to have,

to realize that what you've done doesn't quite measure up

to what that man did, you know?

This dude called me -- and got free groceries.

That's how much he put in work.

Like, I know I'm not gonna get that same result.

Like, I wish I could, but I know I'm not, I'm--

Like, little kids gonna rob me, like, when I'm 80, I'm--

I'm getting robbed.

I already know that's what they gonna do.

They're gonna take the tennis balls off my walker

and I'm gonna be stuck.

Take the battery out my Hoveround

and just push me out into traffic.

'Cause the thing is that you start reflecting,

you start reflecting on

what you've done that compares to that

and I look at the things that I try to do now.

Like, I try my best to be socially active.

I try my best to do stuff on "The Daily Show"

that affects change, I try.

(cheers and applause)

But...

I'll be real, a lot of what I do now

is just making up for lost time,

'cause I wasn't always like that,

and that's something I'm ashamed about.

I didn't go see Obama get inaugurated

'cause it was too cold.

That was my excuse.

That was my excuse for missing history-- it's cold.

And my homeboys called me up, "We riding the bus,

we going up to D.C., let's ride the bus."

I got cable, man.

I didn't go the second time.

I had four years to buy a coat.

And still didn't go see him.

I skipped history twice. That's embarrassing.

'Cause sooner or later,

my son's gonna be doing a book report on that.

And he gonna flip to that Obama inauguration page,

and you're gonna see those thousands of black people

out on the National Mall just standing there,

and he's gonna come to me

and I gotta be accountable for my absence.

"Daddy, were you there?"

Yeah, yeah, I was...

(laughter and applause)

Yeah, I'm right--

They cropped me out, I was right there on the side.

I just hope that, you know,

what I try to do now is enough, you know.

That's all you can do is what you can do,

but I want free groceries.

And I'm not sure if what I did is enough,

so I might have to just spice up my story,

just add whatever happened.

'Cause when I'm 80, I'm gonna go in the grocery store,

start cussing out kids.

You wasn't in the struggle, --!

You don't know what it was like in 2017.

"What was it like?"

It was a struggle in 2017, --!

We tried to march for police reform,

I ordered six nuggets, them white folks only gave me five!

I had to pay for two sauces!

(cheers and applause)

Atlanta, I can't thank y'all enough for the time.

Thank y'all so much for coming out, man.

Appreciate y'all.

(cheers and applause)

Some shit go down in America,

them white artists go straight to the studio,

pen and pad, right? "I'm gonna write a new one!"

♪ I got a pet eagle his name is Chuck ♪

♪ I feed him bacon and freedom and I -- love Chuck, uh-uh ♪