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(WHOOSHING)
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)
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RIMMER: As we stand here this morning
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in an unknown galaxy
on the outer reaches of the solar system
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00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,964
and I claim this planetoid,
rich in Helium 7,
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00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,361
on behalf of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation,
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00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:59,047
it is only fitting we remember
the generations that came before us.
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00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:04,761
It is to their memory, their greatness,
their infinite glorious accomplishments,
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00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,003
that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".
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In the same spirit of benevolence,
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I've also graciously agreed to lend
my name to the star this moon orbits,
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which from this moment on,
will be known as "Sunny Rim".
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Gentlemen, to Rimmer,
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a moon rich in Helium 7,
the most valuable gas in the universe.
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LISTER: To Rimmer... so full of gas.
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KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be
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some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west?
19
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You should engage skedaddle mode.
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But the Helium 7. We need to mine it.
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- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- KRYTEN: There's no time, sir.
22
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But Helium 7's incredibly scarce.
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It's rarer than an ungroped bottom
at the BBC in the 1970s.
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It's worth a fortune.
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If we ever get back to Earth
in the 23rd century,
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I'll get a finder's fee.
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One hour, that's all I'm asking.
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Bud, can't you see,
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if you're hanging around here
when that storm's brewing
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you're gonna get wiped.
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I'm begging you, stay!
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I'll still be rich
beyond my wildest dreams just with this.
33
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Don't worry, I won't change.
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LISTER: And that's the tragedy of it.
35
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Check this. That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it?
36
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It looks like a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
37
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and it's heading straight for us.
38
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,811
I want a full Space Corp
verified diagnostic on that thing.
39
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,769
- Already printing, sir.
- Well? What is it?
40
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It says, "It's a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
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"and it's heading straight for us."
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Here it comes!
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(CRACKLING)
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What the hell just happened?
45
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,611
People have had acid trips
that have made more sense than that.
46
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,002
I've had directions
from drunken Scots men
47
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that have made more sense than that.
48
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,561
Any theories?
49
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,809
I believe the ship may have been hit
50
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,690
by a temporal wash
from a time wave, sir.
51
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,441
It's been what by a what from a what?
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00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:20,242
Much as a tsunami is caused by a large
displacement of water in the sea bed,
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00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:24,007
a time wave is created
by an imploding black hole,
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causing space
time to contort into a series of waves.
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00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,405
Much as a what causes a what
into a series of whats?
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00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,649
Now, when the wave moves forward,
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artefacts from the past
can be washed up into the present
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and when the wave withdraws,
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artefacts from the present
can be swept back into the past.
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00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,651
That sounds like a free ride
out of here. Show me where to stand.
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Sir, whoever is hit
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is likely to be swept in
to an uninhabitable part of deep space.
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Quick! Show him where to stand.
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We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.
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00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,367
- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.
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00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,125
- So what do we do if this wave shows up?
- We'll have to outrun it.
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00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,281
Maybe if we lost some weight.
jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.
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Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.
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00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,369
Wait, check this in vector four.
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00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,409
There's a ship
just shown up on the scans.
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00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,446
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th century Earth
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and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.
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Something's wrong.
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They're locked on to a crash course
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straight into the heart
of Planet Rimmer.
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00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,922
Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?
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The impact is likely
to cause an explosion
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00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,363
which could well ignite the Helium 7.
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00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,726
And kill Planet Rimmer?
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- And kill everything in this vicinity,
- Including Planet Rimmer?
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00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,007
Including everything!
82
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,208
We need to board that ship
and stop it crashing.
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And save Planet Rimmer.
84
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,327
- And save the crew.
- And Planet Rimmer.
85
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
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This mechanoid is reversing.
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00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,370
(BEEPING)
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00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,444
This mechanoid is reversing.
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00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,410
(BEEPING)
90
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,486
How long before we dock, Kryts?
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Just thirty minutes, sir.
92
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,963
So I thought now might be a good time
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to share the intel
I've uncovered on the Enconium.
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00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,331
It appears they have
some rather strange laws.
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00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,401
Strange how?
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00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,530
On their ship, criticism is illegal.
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00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,529
A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.
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00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,088
A world where
no one is blamed or rebuked
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00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,924
and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.
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00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,731
That's what they say, but they'll never
hold out after they meet you.
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00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,321
You screw up and no one tells you.
What's the good in that?
102
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,890
That's easy for you to say, Lister,
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00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,481
but how would you feel
if you were ridiculed every day,
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00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:47,800
wedgied every night,
105
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,087
and sometimes even have your head
shoved down the toilet
106
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and the chain pulled?
107
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,844
But we've stopped doing that now.
108
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,970
Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school
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00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,610
so I could get my confidence back.
110
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,965
Games weren't competitive
at St. Trembles.
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00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,485
So what did you do on Sport's Day?
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00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,327
Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run
in any direction you wanted.
113
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,206
Or paint a picture
or stay at home and watch TV.
114
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And everyone got
a "You're Really Special" trophy
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and a party bag.
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00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,531
Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.
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You get knocked down,
you get back up again. You slug it out.
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00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,527
If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism I ever got,
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where do you think I'd be now?
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00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,086
Not single, not podgy,
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00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,289
and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut.
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Sirs, please.
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When we board the Enconium,
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we must remember to respect their laws
and not criticise each other.
125
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,121
How long we gotta hold out?
126
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,282
- Just an hour, sir.
- A whole hour?
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00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,570
In that case you'd better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.
128
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,091
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?
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00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,449
Well, according to their data banks,
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00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:54,208
they believe when people criticise,
they feel esteem-inflating superiority
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00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,489
which causes the pleasure chemical,
dopamine, to be released in the brain.
132
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:58,721
And dopamine's bad?
133
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,610
Too much dopamine
is like taking cocaine, sir.
134
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,770
It overexcites the receptors
between brain cells,
135
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,884
causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.
136
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,169
So people who criticise
get high on criticism?
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00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,965
It seems they become addicted,
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00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,806
needing to criticise more and more
to produce the same original high.
139
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,609
This explains so much.
140
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,206
Junkie.
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00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,724
But criticism can be good, can't it?
142
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,406
I mean, it forces people
to become better.
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00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,801
Oh, not always, sir. Take you.
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What about me?
145
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Well, as a guitarist you've been
criticised, belittled, decried,
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00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,371
vilified, panned and slammed
your whole life.
147
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,401
- And your point is?
- You still utterly suck, sir.
148
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,085
No, I don't!
149
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:51,365
I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day
I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,
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00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,681
but I took that criticism on board,
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00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,603
I dedicated myself to getting better,
152
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,969
and now, so long, Plucker,
hello, Davy "Three Chords."
153
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,491
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
154
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"Journey to the Stars"
155
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:28,920
Aw, look at that one.
156
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,604
Have they got little kids
on-board as well?
157
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,684
By First Lieutenant Edward Moore,
aged 34 and a half.
158
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,761
So everything these guys do,
no matter how garbage,
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00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:41,841
gets to go on the wall?
160
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,490
Just like at St. Trembles.
161
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,161
And the Tate Modern.
162
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,367
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
163
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,970
Hey guys, check this.
164
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:57,729
...power of the moon you will learn
that we are all part of the tree of life
165
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,850
and on the tree you are a fruit.
166
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,362
? I am a fruit, a lovely fruit
Let me play the flute ?
167
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,684
(PLAYING FLUTE)
168
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:13,765
Let me remind you, gentlemen,
169
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,411
what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.
170
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,204
My friends.
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A duct tape on stand by, sirs.
172
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,685
Welcome to our ship.
173
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,525
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
174
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,410
Apologies for not returning
your handshake,
175
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,086
but our communication system
is being repaired
176
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,208
and the hairdressers
who are carrying out the work
177
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,567
haven't quite determined
what's wrong yet.
178
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,522
Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced
by the catering department,
179
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,001
so therefore to the stairs.
180
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,841
Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were
serviced by the lift service people?
181
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,163
Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy
working in the hospital,
182
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,722
trying to figure out
why no one's getting better.
183
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,850
This way, my friends.
184
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,730
I don't know if you're aware,
185
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,485
but you've been washed up
three million years into deep space
186
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:04,769
and you're on a crash course
straight into a Helium 7 moon.
187
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,210
I love your accent.
188
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,488
It's is cuter than a kitten
with a toilet roll.
189
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,520
Now, let me take you along to our diner
190
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,490
and then I'm gonna
hunt down our Captain. Okay?
191
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:20,766
This way.
192
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,570
What the hell's he doing?
193
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:29,290
Best guess, the Enconium crew
are encouraged to express themselves
194
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,567
without fear of scorn or ridicule.
195
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,201
Bring back scorn and ridicule,
that's what I say.
196
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:35,406
Sir, please.
197
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,371
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?
198
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,363
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
199
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,404
(BAND PLAYING OFF-KEY)
200
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,805
Hey, bud, you should stick around.
201
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,969
The Om song could go platinum here.
202
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,602
I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.
203
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,286
No one cares if you're right or wrong,
good or bad.
204
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,566
Maybe they're on to something.
205
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,051
I mean, take me, back in the day,
206
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,203
I misrepaired a drive plate
and killed over a thousand people.
207
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,689
Now, in our culture that sort of thing
is really frowned upon.
208
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,724
But here, you just move on.
209
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:28,009
Here's your coffee, sir.
Be careful it's very, very hot.
210
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,491
Argh!
211
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,120
Whoops-a-daisy.
212
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,969
She's just broiled my love spuds
and she doesn't even say sorry.
213
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:36,481
She's moved on.
214
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,801
Look at the state of me.
215
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,765
Okay, here we are.
216
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,885
I have one processed sausage
with sprouts in a radish jus,
217
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,486
and one warm goat salad.
218
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,411
We didn't order any food.
219
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,364
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
220
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,125
Though I wouldn't mind
ordering a fresh pair of testicles
221
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,565
'cause these two are ruined.
222
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:58,761
Are you criticising me?
223
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,450
No, no, he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
224
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,803
Critics! Help!
225
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,246
Let's get out of here.
226
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,891
Easter Island head's right.
Let's scoot while we still can.
227
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,803
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.
228
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,723
Nothing works here.
Especially the people.
229
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,729
(TANTRIC MUSIC PLAYING)
230
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,322
- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Officer.
231
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,690
Do you know
why I've pulled you over, sir?
232
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,564
No, I haven't got a clue. No.
233
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,726
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?
234
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,448
Criticising? No, not at all. No.
235
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,564
It's just we've had a report
of some illegal castigation
236
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,483
in the diner this evening, sir.
237
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,161
What about you lads?
238
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,610
Been doing any criticising this evening?
239
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,681
(TOGETHER) No.
240
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,850
- Little bit of chiding perhaps?
- Chiding? No.
241
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,645
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.
242
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,721
Harping?
243
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,484
- Little bit of panning?
- No.
244
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,244
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.
245
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,290
You won't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me then, will you, sir?
246
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,321
You what?
247
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,609
Go on. Blow as hard as you can.
248
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,571
(BEEPING)
249
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,484
You've got a reading of 95, sir.
250
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,483
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
251
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,650
It means that your friend is way over
the permitted criticism limit, sir.
252
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,684
I may have to take him down
to the station.
253
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,603
Now wait a minute.
254
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,444
- Are you telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.
255
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,410
Implying I'm going too fast,
and therefore criticising me?
256
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,650
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?
257
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,242
Insinuating that my attention
isn't focused in the correct direction,
258
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,367
- therefore implying that my focus...
- I'm not criticising you, okay?
259
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,603
Look, we're here to warn you that
you're ship is on a collision course
260
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,047
with a very important moon
called Planet Rimmer.
261
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,524
I'm going to let you off with a caution.
262
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,524
Caution? How dumb is this guy?
263
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,165
Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,
264
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,602
if you don't move
your dumb ass spaceship,
265
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,604
we're gonna we're gonna be flatter
than your wife's droopy ass titties.
266
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,681
Capisce?
267
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,844
(FIRES)
(GROANS)
268
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,561
(THUD)
269
00:15:10,057 --> 00:15:12,424
Wait a minute. Why have you
taken his straight jacket off?
270
00:15:12,897 --> 00:15:15,059
While he's in here,
he's not a danger to anyone, is he?
271
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:16,498
Well, he is to us.
272
00:15:17,057 --> 00:15:18,263
No one cares about you.
273
00:15:18,897 --> 00:15:20,865
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact.
274
00:15:20,937 --> 00:15:21,938
Pretend he's not here.
275
00:15:22,537 --> 00:15:24,221
All right, mate, how you doing?
276
00:15:24,977 --> 00:15:27,059
I been better. I'll tell you that.
277
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,306
- How long you in for?
- Life.
278
00:15:34,337 --> 00:15:35,862
- What for?
- Tutting.
279
00:15:38,377 --> 00:15:39,424
Tutting?
280
00:15:40,337 --> 00:15:41,702
They drove me to it.
281
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:47,259
I'm in the queue,
in the canteen, queueing.
282
00:15:48,057 --> 00:15:51,857
Finally, I get to the front,
my turn to get served
283
00:15:52,497 --> 00:15:56,297
and they say,
"Sorry, love, we've just closed."
284
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,058
So I go...
285
00:15:59,617 --> 00:16:00,618
(TUTS)
286
00:16:02,057 --> 00:16:03,058
You just went... (TUTS)
287
00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:04,263
...and you got life?
288
00:16:04,657 --> 00:16:07,467
I just called that cop Lieutenant
Asshole, so what am I gonna get?
289
00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:11,666
It don't bear thinking about.
They'll probably drain you.
290
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:12,738
What's that?
291
00:16:12,817 --> 00:16:14,945
I'm not implying
there's anything wrong with draining,
292
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,143
it's probably really lovely.
293
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,308
What the hell are we going to do?
294
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:19,947
We've got to get out of here.
295
00:16:20,017 --> 00:16:23,499
Get to the engine room
and get the ship off this crash course.
296
00:16:23,577 --> 00:16:25,978
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us.
297
00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:28,940
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
298
00:16:29,257 --> 00:16:31,908
Kryte, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.
299
00:16:31,977 --> 00:16:33,661
He wears Odour-Eaters now.
300
00:16:34,377 --> 00:16:37,267
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir.
From that moon this morning.
301
00:16:37,337 --> 00:16:38,577
The Helium 7?
302
00:16:39,177 --> 00:16:41,305
Which I can then fuse with the deuterium
303
00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:44,381
I have in
my isotope sample store in my arm
304
00:16:44,457 --> 00:16:47,028
and create a small contained explosion.
305
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,107
Why do you collect isotope samples
and keep them in your arm?
306
00:16:51,537 --> 00:16:55,178
Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic
soldiers and keep them in your locker?
307
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,139
- You're weird.
- I'm weird?
308
00:16:59,657 --> 00:17:02,581
At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.
309
00:17:02,937 --> 00:17:04,063
Next time we're in a jam
310
00:17:04,137 --> 00:17:07,027
and one of
your 6th regiment trumpeters saves us,
311
00:17:07,097 --> 00:17:08,940
I'll eat my crevice brush.
312
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:11,218
There.
313
00:17:11,937 --> 00:17:12,938
Excellent.
314
00:17:18,897 --> 00:17:19,898
- (BEEPS)
- (EXPLOSION)
315
00:17:24,337 --> 00:17:26,863
Here, boys, take me with you.
316
00:17:27,097 --> 00:17:29,464
I promise I'm no danger
to the outside world any more.
317
00:17:29,777 --> 00:17:30,778
I'll never tut again
318
00:17:32,857 --> 00:17:33,858
(TUTS)
319
00:17:39,457 --> 00:17:40,583
Where are you taking us?
320
00:17:40,857 --> 00:17:43,428
I'm taking you to where
all the worst criticizers go.
321
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,622
The back seat drivers?
They're all there.
322
00:17:47,377 --> 00:17:50,859
Surely you can see,
a society without criticism is...
323
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,541
You don't know what it was like before.
324
00:17:52,977 --> 00:17:55,742
The ship was a shambles,
everyone arguing,
325
00:17:55,817 --> 00:17:57,660
constantly choosing new captains.
326
00:17:58,297 --> 00:18:01,346
So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.
327
00:18:02,057 --> 00:18:06,142
But any smegger can see
that society can't function like that.
328
00:18:06,217 --> 00:18:08,106
Yeah, but once
they'd outlawed criticism,
329
00:18:08,177 --> 00:18:12,102
nobody could criticise the criticism law
because it was illegal to criticise.
330
00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:13,538
Idiots!
331
00:18:16,737 --> 00:18:18,182
(MOANS IN PLEASURE)
332
00:18:20,977 --> 00:18:22,627
I've just criticised something,
didn't I?
333
00:18:24,017 --> 00:18:27,385
Oh, God, I've not done that for ages.
That felt good.
334
00:18:31,257 --> 00:18:35,501
Criticising's great, isn't it?
Gives you a real lift.
335
00:18:37,097 --> 00:18:38,861
Don't like your shoes by the way.
336
00:18:38,937 --> 00:18:40,268
(MOANS)
337
00:18:41,497 --> 00:18:42,862
What's the story with his head?
338
00:18:43,817 --> 00:18:47,219
Looks like something from that TV show,
when circumcisions go wrong.
339
00:18:50,657 --> 00:18:51,658
You got to help us.
340
00:18:51,937 --> 00:18:55,339
If we don't get your ship
off this crash course, we're all dead.
341
00:18:55,417 --> 00:18:57,943
The bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.
342
00:18:58,377 --> 00:18:59,378
Won't you get in trouble?
343
00:18:59,817 --> 00:19:02,423
How? Nobody can criticise you here.
344
00:19:02,697 --> 00:19:04,461
Now get going before somebody comes.
345
00:19:05,137 --> 00:19:07,947
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old
to be wearing leather pants.
346
00:19:08,777 --> 00:19:10,859
Nobody move, please.
347
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:14,261
Did you help them,
did you betray us, did you?
348
00:19:15,017 --> 00:19:16,542
Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
349
00:19:17,537 --> 00:19:20,984
I betrayed this badge
and made this uniform, quite frankly,
350
00:19:22,177 --> 00:19:23,463
an object of ridicule.
351
00:19:29,057 --> 00:19:32,459
Well, there is no shame
in making mistakes, Officer. You may go.
352
00:19:33,617 --> 00:19:38,259
To our visitors, we need to drain them.
353
00:19:45,857 --> 00:19:49,907
Now, we are going to drain you
of all your critical faculties
354
00:19:49,977 --> 00:19:51,388
by removing your inner critic.
355
00:19:51,457 --> 00:19:55,348
That little voice in your head that
stops you achieving your full potential.
356
00:19:55,457 --> 00:19:58,142
Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities
357
00:19:58,217 --> 00:20:00,265
for fear of failure or humiliation.
358
00:20:00,337 --> 00:20:02,908
You will only feel love for all things.
359
00:20:03,217 --> 00:20:04,787
They're going to turn us into hippies.
360
00:20:05,817 --> 00:20:08,263
We're going to wind up
like that crazy guy on the flute.
361
00:20:09,257 --> 00:20:12,340
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.
362
00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,746
Oh, he's come so far.
363
00:20:15,097 --> 00:20:19,068
Look. That's his inner critic.
364
00:20:19,137 --> 00:20:22,619
Oh, my God,
what's he talking to without me?
365
00:20:22,697 --> 00:20:27,703
Whatever it is, he's useless.
He'll fail. He's talentless.
366
00:20:29,337 --> 00:20:30,623
Leave this to me.
367
00:20:31,257 --> 00:20:33,385
As stand-in, acting
Senior Commanding Officer
368
00:20:33,457 --> 00:20:35,937
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,
369
00:20:36,257 --> 00:20:41,218
and protected as I am
under Space Corp Directive 381286...
370
00:20:41,297 --> 00:20:42,458
Kryten, shut up.
371
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,143
I demand that you
release us all immediately.
372
00:20:49,217 --> 00:20:51,584
Or at least one of us
as a gesture of goodwill,
373
00:20:51,657 --> 00:20:52,988
for which I'd like to volunteer.
374
00:20:53,617 --> 00:20:56,427
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
375
00:20:56,497 --> 00:20:59,068
Happiness awaits
and you shall be the first.
376
00:20:59,137 --> 00:21:01,060
Let's bottle your inner critic.
377
00:21:04,257 --> 00:21:08,387
Now, let your critical observations
flow forth.
378
00:21:08,457 --> 00:21:11,620
You mean, I could end up loving
my parents and admiring my brothers?
379
00:21:11,697 --> 00:21:13,665
You'll have nothing to remain dead for.
380
00:21:13,737 --> 00:21:15,148
Resist, sir, resist.
381
00:21:15,217 --> 00:21:18,141
If they remove your inner critic,
you'll be changed forever.
382
00:21:18,217 --> 00:21:20,948
Changed forever? Listen to him!
383
00:21:22,017 --> 00:21:25,863
My pa rents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful and supportive.
384
00:21:26,777 --> 00:21:27,858
Argh!
385
00:21:29,417 --> 00:21:33,217
I achieved all my dreams
and I'm admired and respected.
386
00:21:33,297 --> 00:21:36,619
Don't fight it. Think of your childhood.
Were your happy?
387
00:21:37,017 --> 00:21:38,667
I was so happy-
388
00:21:40,337 --> 00:21:41,987
I can't hold out much longer.
389
00:21:43,137 --> 00:21:44,377
- (ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
- Argh!
390
00:21:45,457 --> 00:21:47,903
My brother, Howard,
what an utter bastard.
391
00:21:49,657 --> 00:21:52,058
As for my parents,
the schools they sent me to,
392
00:21:52,417 --> 00:21:55,023
the exams I failed
and the support I never got.
393
00:21:55,137 --> 00:21:58,744
And why Yvonne Macgruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me.
394
00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:01,658
And my sex life was an absolute shambles
395
00:22:02,217 --> 00:22:05,539
ever since that day at school
my brother gave me sex advice.
396
00:22:06,057 --> 00:22:08,424
He said the most important thing
was the clitoris,
397
00:22:08,857 --> 00:22:11,019
and I thought what he said
was the most important thing
398
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:12,383
was to spit on her wrist.
399
00:22:15,577 --> 00:22:17,420
Oh, the looks I used to get.
400
00:22:17,497 --> 00:22:18,498
Wait, slow down.
401
00:22:18,577 --> 00:22:21,467
You're criticising faster
than the extractor can cope.
402
00:22:21,537 --> 00:22:22,868
I've hardly started!
403
00:22:23,617 --> 00:22:28,066
Your inner critic's too powerful.
The extractor can't process it.
404
00:22:28,177 --> 00:22:29,827
Well, why can't it process it?
405
00:22:30,097 --> 00:22:33,419
Cheap, damn Minervan, negative energy,
inner critic bottling machines.
406
00:22:33,497 --> 00:22:35,261
Will you stop criticising?
407
00:22:35,337 --> 00:22:36,668
(EXPLOSIONS)
408
00:22:41,457 --> 00:22:42,458
What the hell's that?
409
00:22:46,097 --> 00:22:47,701
I'm Rimmer's inner critic.
410
00:22:48,297 --> 00:22:49,537
I'm the voice inside his head
411
00:22:49,617 --> 00:22:53,303
that reminds him he's an idle,
good-for-nothing, underachieving idiot
412
00:22:53,617 --> 00:22:56,666
who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.
413
00:22:57,137 --> 00:22:59,299
He hangs out with other guys besides us?
414
00:23:00,377 --> 00:23:02,698
Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.
415
00:23:03,497 --> 00:23:06,182
You need me. I protect you.
416
00:23:07,417 --> 00:23:09,385
Remember the school talent contest?
417
00:23:09,977 --> 00:23:11,308
Twelve years old,
418
00:23:11,657 --> 00:23:14,263
and you wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.
419
00:23:15,497 --> 00:23:17,022
And you made me chicken out.
420
00:23:17,697 --> 00:23:19,062
We'd have been humiliated.
421
00:23:19,777 --> 00:23:21,939
Same with all those women
I wanted to ask out on dates
422
00:23:22,017 --> 00:23:23,701
you claimed were out of my league.
423
00:23:23,777 --> 00:23:25,142
Of course I did.
424
00:23:25,537 --> 00:23:30,099
Anne Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes.
425
00:23:30,537 --> 00:23:33,461
I hate you.
You'd never let me take any risks ever.
426
00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:35,824
I stop you
from making a fool of yourself.
427
00:23:35,897 --> 00:23:37,706
But he's always
making a fool of himself.
428
00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,502
Yeah, he is always
making a fool of himself.
429
00:23:40,817 --> 00:23:43,104
So hang on. You're not doing
a very good job, are you?
430
00:23:44,777 --> 00:23:47,462
You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic.
431
00:23:47,537 --> 00:23:48,777
Where were you when Rimmer was
432
00:23:48,857 --> 00:23:51,303
fixing that drive plate
and wiped out the crew?
433
00:23:51,377 --> 00:23:52,822
No one criticises me.
434
00:23:52,897 --> 00:23:54,661
Why didn't you tell him
he wasn't up to it?
435
00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:56,501
I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?
436
00:23:56,577 --> 00:23:58,341
Well, yes, I suppose I...
437
00:23:58,457 --> 00:23:59,947
So you failed.
438
00:24:01,537 --> 00:24:03,744
Well, that's not fair.
439
00:24:04,657 --> 00:24:07,342
I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.
440
00:24:07,417 --> 00:24:09,897
You're right, it failed.
441
00:24:10,417 --> 00:24:13,148
That's a bit strong.
I didn't fully succeed.
442
00:24:13,457 --> 00:24:14,902
- It failed.
- Failed?
443
00:24:15,697 --> 00:24:18,018
- I can't believe you just said that.
- It failed.
444
00:24:18,377 --> 00:24:20,300
- That's really horrible.
- RIMMER: It failed.
445
00:24:23,497 --> 00:24:25,545
- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.
446
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:27,461
It'll be back one day. Trust me.
447
00:24:30,497 --> 00:24:35,185
You achieved a positive end
by using criticism to vanquish a foe.
448
00:24:35,257 --> 00:24:38,739
Because you can't tar all criticism
with the one brush.
449
00:24:38,817 --> 00:24:42,458
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
450
00:24:42,897 --> 00:24:44,820
Are you criticising your own philosophy?
451
00:24:45,337 --> 00:24:46,827
I suppose I am.
452
00:24:47,537 --> 00:24:48,538
Wait.
453
00:24:49,817 --> 00:24:52,627
Call together all the members
of the High Chamber
454
00:24:53,137 --> 00:24:56,983
and warn them that
I've repealed the law against criticism.
455
00:24:57,377 --> 00:25:02,941
From this moment on, everybody can
criticise without fear of penalty.
456
00:25:03,497 --> 00:25:04,498
Release them.
457
00:25:08,377 --> 00:25:09,708
What about Planet Rimmer?
458
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:11,707
The ship is on a crash descent course
459
00:25:11,777 --> 00:25:14,587
and your engineering department
don't know what the hell they're doing.
460
00:25:14,657 --> 00:25:16,307
RIMMER: We need to
get to the engine room.
461
00:25:16,377 --> 00:25:19,540
No need, I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs
462
00:25:19,617 --> 00:25:23,417
and then we'll be out of here
in a brief contraction of forward space.
463
00:25:31,777 --> 00:25:33,666
I've been racking my brains
464
00:25:33,737 --> 00:25:36,661
as to how I could thank you
for showing me a new way to live.
465
00:25:36,737 --> 00:25:39,900
Now, my first thought
was we could upgrade your mech,
466
00:25:40,457 --> 00:25:43,142
then I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
467
00:25:43,577 --> 00:25:48,185
Then I thought we could upgrade
Red Dwarf's engine, make it FTL,
468
00:25:48,337 --> 00:25:51,898
but again, I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
469
00:25:52,137 --> 00:25:54,219
I wanted to give you
something that would
470
00:25:54,297 --> 00:25:57,301
truly show you
the depth of my gratitude.
471
00:25:58,497 --> 00:26:01,467
For you. It's my finest work.
472
00:26:06,617 --> 00:26:10,303
Don't take this the wrong way, but, um,
it's not that good to be honest.
473
00:26:10,977 --> 00:26:12,263
I repeal the law.
474
00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:14,142
Critics! I need help here.
475
00:26:14,697 --> 00:26:17,018
Drain them! Drain them all!
476
00:26:18,417 --> 00:26:20,340
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
477
00:26:21,097 --> 00:26:24,499
? It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
478
00:26:24,577 --> 00:26:27,899
? I'm all alone, more or less
479
00:26:27,977 --> 00:26:31,265
? Let me fly far away from here
480
00:26:31,337 --> 00:26:34,068
? Fun, fun, fun
481
00:26:34,177 --> 00:26:37,738
? In the sun, sun, sun
482
00:26:37,817 --> 00:26:41,264
? I want to lie shipwrecked
And comatose
483
00:26:41,337 --> 00:26:44,500
? Drinking fresh mango juice
484
00:26:44,577 --> 00:26:47,899
? Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
485
00:26:47,977 --> 00:26:50,708
? Fun, fun, fun
486
00:26:50,777 --> 00:26:54,224
? In the sun, sun, sun
487
00:26:54,537 --> 00:26:57,222
? Fun, fun, fun
488
00:26:57,297 --> 00:27:01,427
? In the sun, sun, sun ?
489
00:27:01,477 --> 00:27:06,027
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