Original subtitles

RED DWARF S11-E06 CAN OF WORMS In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

Ah, what's this?

I salvaged it from the Medi-Station,sir.

It's a personality tuck machine.

Huhm. So it can perform

corrective surgery on your character?

Exactly. It scans the patient's brain,

and forms a personality map.

It's then able to enhance, remove,

even sculpt the very traits

that make that person who they are.

Hypothetically - I'm speaking hypothetically here,

Do you think I could do with a little work?

Take a seat,sir.

I'll cancel this week's schedule.

So, what could you do for me, exactly?

I'll begin by just marking out the areas

I think we might be able to improve.

Now, here, here, here,

here!

Here. Definitely, here.

Yes - all right, Kryten. Get on with it, man.

Oh, take your pomposity; large and unsightly.

Your self-importance, too - is massively engorged.

What's that huge area in the middle there?

Well, that is your cowardice,sir.

Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy?

What, reduce it? A sort of whimpoplasty?

Hey! What's happenin', buds?

I'm about to perform

some personality surgery on Mr. Rimmer.

He's getting a new personality?!

Great idea!

Not "new"!

Molded, tightened, lifted, shaped.

This is gonna transform me.

I'm gonna be the lady-melting,

enormous, bold stud muffin I've always dreamt of.

Kryten, one thing;

this isn't gonna hurt, is it?

There'll just be the slightest

infinitesimally tiny little scratch.

Scratch?

Well, when I insert the laser.

Laser?! Well, it has to burn...

Burn?!

Perhaps I should give you a holo-sedative,sir.

With a needle?! Sir, please.

I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure,

step-by-step.

Right now, I'm just...

wh-where's he gone?

Out the door and left.

Einstein was wrong,

It IS possible to break the speed of light!

Hey, Bud!

What the...!!

Guys, keep the noise down.

I'm trying to sleep, here.

Whoa!!

What's going on?! We're way off course here!

Who's the joker in charge of navigation?!

You are,sir!

Seriously?!

Oh, man!

I think I might have dozed off.

Lister, we're 5,000 klicks off course,

all you had to do was engage auto-pilot!

Your watch. Your fault.

You can't blame me for this.

What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot?

Roast beef with all the trimmings,

followed by seconds, followed by sticky toffee puddin',

followed by seconds, followed beer,

and coffee, and cheese, and brandy, port and cigars,

a little chocolate mint.

What chance did I stand

after a Sunday lunch like that?

How long have I been out?

It's Monday,sir.

Oh, man. No way!

It's gonna take us forever

to get back to Red Dwarf now.

Maybe we could take a shortcut

across that asteroid belt.

GELF country?

If the stories are to be believed,

the particular tribe of GELF

that inhabit Belt Juno 98

Are the Nakki-hirhyni rrhack-ackk urry-hckk hck-hck! Oh!

Sorry, I just sat down on a screwdriver.

Why does nobody tidy up around here except me?!

Kryten, you were saying,

Sorry,sir. Yes, that particular tribe

are the Nakki-Ninkers.

Vampire GELFs, to you and me.

Vampire GELFs?!

The story goes; They feast on the blood of virgins.

Feast on the blood of virgins.

Who believes that? Taking her in.

W-wait a minute! Hang on here!!

Slow the hell down!!

What's the problem?

I'm just curious,

how do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins?

Well, according to the ancient myths,

they can smell them.

Smell 'em?!

What the hell does a virgin smell of?

Desperation, normally.

Actually,sir, the actual science is

that the GELF's can smell the pheromone produced by fear.

Only the virgins are scared,

so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone.

Thus - No issue for us.

Taking her in.

Hang on! Hold up!

Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second?!

Hang on a minute, are you...

Nooo!

I suppose you...

Noooo!

Never really thought... Don't even say it!

Okay. Movin' on.

Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here.

I've had my share, let me tell ya.

More than my share!

Plus, I've had full-blown love affairs, too!

Well yes - Mirror in the bathroom.

Mirror in the hold. I've forgotten about those.

Don't you guys know

that cats always have two homes?!

I've got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf!

Hell, I've got two!

On Z Deck. On Z.

Exactly! That's where they are!

On Z Deck, but hiding from you guys,

'cause they're only interested in me!

We will go the long way 'round.

And be quick about it!

'Cause I gotta get back to my lady cats on Z Deck!

I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad!

I'm picking up a ship.

The energy signature's barely registering.

The signal's weaker than the San Moreno Reserve Team.

Posting. Logging into their mainframe.

Don't bother. In this region of space,

it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.

Maintain current course.

Gets my vote!

According to the hack, it's a transport ship.

Crew: Two.

One mercinoid, one prisoner.

A mercy what?

A mercinoid is a droid,sir.

Who has agreed to sacrifice his life

in exchange for software updates

in Silicone Heaven.

These mercinoid are nuttier

than a vegetarian breakfast!

That probably explains why the mercinoid and his prisoner

are on a death-dive into the heart

of a super-massive black hole.

So what now?

We're gonna board that crate

before it passes the event horizon.

Risking our necks for one prisoner?

Rimmer, that prisoner might be human.

We can't just abandon them.

Never say can't, Listy.

Put your mind to it,

there's no limit to who you can abandon.

All right, Cat.

Take her in.

Rimmer, lend me your dictaphone.

What? Why?

Because I've got an idea.

Right. Come on.

Let's do this.

Good luck.

Keep in touch.

More ship Intel coming through via the hack.

They were transporting scientific equipment

to a bio-station Orta 15.

Something doesn't smell right.

The ship's log's been deleted,

and the black box has also been wiped clean.

I'm not getting any pictures from your head cam.

There must be some kind of signal block in place.

How about now?

Yes. Getting pictures now.

What did you do?

I just...recalibrated the fluctuation drive bands.

Impressive.

Thanks.

You're not gonna like this, but I'm picking up

something in the movement tracker.

Life signs. Organic and part organic,

in corridor beta 12.

Where exactly in beta 12?

At the south entrance.

That's where we are!

Then you should be able to see them!

They're there! Right on top of you!!

Or maybe in the ceiling or under the floor!

Run! Go back!

Get out of there! Move!

No, forward! Not backwards! The other way!

No! The other way!

Lister, move!!

Wait, wait, wait!

Could these life signs,

could they

by any chance be us?

Ah. Yes.

Of course. Organic and part organic.

Yes, it's you.

They should warn you about that in the instruction manual.

Someone could come along

and make a right idiot of himself.

Ah. It does mention it.

It's this bit here, in big red capitals.

So easy to miss.

I'm picking up EM emissions.

This way,sirs.

I know you are here, humies.

If you want to live,

you must leave.

He's right. I think we should go.

Sir! You haven't seen him.

Okay.

Want to talk about your prisoner.

I wanna do a trade.

No trade.

Let's talk!

No talk.

Now, take my advice and go!

Leave!

Who is your prisoner, and what have they done?

That is my business.

Not yours!

You can trust us, you really can.

...you will achieve all your dreams.

Size doesn't matter.

You are very handsome

and women think you're extremely attractive.

Actually, that's not really true.

So drop your weapon, and turn around slowly.

Head count down. What's going on? Are you okay?

We're fine,sir. Mercinoid down.

I think I've located the prisoner.

Up two floors, bay 12.

Birds, am I pleased to see you!

Wait, are you?...

And you?

You gotta name?

Sure I do, stupid. Who doesn't have a name?

Incidentally, that's mine. That's mine. That's mine!

That too. All this is mine.

And what about that then?

That's mine, too!

This is mine. That's mine. This is mine.

Basically, all this is mine. Even that bit.

What about that bit?

Mine!

And that?

Mine! And that bit. All mine!

Look, we'll catch you guys later.

Hey!

why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner,

but instead, play the string game!?

I love the string game!

You bring you. I'll bring the string.

See you at eight!

If you'd like to follow me, ma'am,

I'll show you to your quarters.

Whoa, Kryten.

What's the big emergency?

Extremely disturbing news,sir.

According to the mercinoid's black box,

that cat we brought on Red Dwarf

is not a felis sapien.

It's not a cat? What is it, then?

It's a polymorph,sir.

Polymorph that shape shifted into a felis sapien?

Precisely.

That's why the mercinoid was flying into that black hole.

It was the only way he could ensure

the polymorph's death!

And we killed the mercinoid

saved the polymorph and brought it on board ship.

A nomination for JMC crew of the year

is starting to look unlikely.

Those damn space monkeys from the Omega 4

are going to get it again.

And another thing, according to the black box,

the polymorph is carrying eggs.

Eggs that hatch?

No, kinder eggs.

Of course eggs that hatch.

When will they hatch?

Soon after mom has found a

host body to deposit them in.

I don't know if I want to know this, but, em...

explain.

Well, I found a genetic, mutant

documentary on Red-net.

I was about to watch it.

Evening falls,

and the impregnated female polymorph

seduces a passing organism

by appearing to be his mate.

And secretly deposits her eggs,

in the unlucky host's body.

Where's the Cat?!

What's the time?

He's on his date with the polymorph!

Seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right...

what a lady, what a night!

Did you sleep with her? What happened?

Hey! I ain't kissin' and tellin'!

I've had enough kissing

for one night, let me tell ya!

You don't understand. We need to know.

All I'm saying is,

that she had some moves you've never even seen!

Like what?

Like when you're rolling around making out,

then the next thing you know

her big pipe thing shoots out of her back,

hovers above you like a crazy snake,

then whooshes straight down your throat! Whoof!

Man, I was like yah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

Cat, women don't have a big pipe thing.

Not for you, maybe!

But if you drive them crazy by blowing on their antennas,

What antennas?!

BOOM! Out it comes!

Then what happened?

The usual.

She just released her gushy

tadpole stuff down her pipe.

And after, she said she'd never been with anyone

who could hold so many eggs!

I don't know what the hell she meant.

But I think it meant I did good!

See you in the morning, buds!

Oh what a night,

why'd it take so long to see...

Just listen to me.

How do I break this to you?

YOU'RE A MORON!

Oh, Rimmer Go easy on him.

Let me handle this.

Cat, man,

YOU'RE A MORON!

Uh,sir. That wasn't a woman,

it wasn't a felis sapien, sir.

It was a shape shifter.

A what?!

It wasn't a cat.

Wasn't a woman.

You just had sex with a...

genetically engineered insectoid arachnid.

It still counts!

Come on!

It counts!

Why doesn't it count?

I'm counting it!

Lemme tell ya!

She looked a hell of a lot better last night!

It's life cycle complete,

it's died, as a female polymorph often does,

after the exhaustive process,

of depositing her morphlings

into a host body.

Depositing her what into what?

Sir, we need to get you to the science room

and give you a full medical.

Morphling? Wh-what's a morphling?

We'll tell you later,

when you're securely strapped to a medi-bed.

Just to explain the ultrasound, sir,

the probe sends a pulse

through your skin and into your body.

and the echo bounces back

which allows us to make sure that everything is...

Oh, my God!

Hey! What the hell's happening?!

We're just checking, sir.

How many are there?

One, two, three, four,

What about them two? Five, six.

Those down there - seven, eight.

We've gotta tell him.

So tell him.

Erm... Better coming from Kryten.

Why me?!

'Cause you have a better bedside manner when it comes to

telling patients they're riddled with polymorphs!

Hey, hey what is he's saying? You talking about me?!?

Sir, I have some bad news.

You are pregnant with eight polymorph eggs.

When they hatch,

they will literally burst out of you,

using the nearest orifice available.

You mean rather than forming an orderly queue?

What the hell are we gonna do?!

First, I think it's essential that you eat something, sir.

You've got to have all your strength to fight against them.

They're currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins.

I can't eat at a time like this.

Sir, you must try.

I just want these things out of me!

Have you thought about a caesarean?

Okay!

You sure?

Yeah, but no croutons!

It's not a salad, you gimboid.

It's an operation where they laser open your abdomen.

I think it's your only chance of survival, sir.

There's no way I'm... Argh!

Thank God I didn't have that cowardectomy!

We need to sedate him somehow.

Wise words, sir.

Well, at least that's bought us some time.

We just need to get cleaned up and do this.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Has someone been playing around with the settings on this thing?!

Right. Going in.

Hang on. Look at the scanner.

The morphlings are going crazy.

What are they turning into?

Tumors.

They know we're trying to extract them early,

and they're fighting fire with fire.

We kill them, they kill him.

What do we do?

We have to let them be born in the normal way.

Do you mean "normal" as in shooting out

of every orifice simultaneously?

It'll be a bit like me after a dodgy egg bhuna.

They're assuming the shapes of household objects!

They're trying to blend in!

Whoa! We've got a wriggler!

Oh. It's going to be so hard

flushing this lot into deep space - they're so cute.

Sir, it's their defense mechanism.

They're trying to avoid being flushed into space.

Look, there's a chinchilla, with a pink hat!

And a hamster on a skateboard.

Little dalmatian puppies. Look at them!

And like a hedgehog, in a top hat,

sitting inside a mini shopping trolley!

Sirs, they are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty!

You must remember what they're gonna turn into

when they reach maturity!

I mean, most things look adorable when they're first born.

Even velociraptors.

Even the Rolling Stones!

So cute!

Sir, they're evil, genetic mutants!

I should flush them.

I got us into this mess.

I should be the one to get us out of it.

You sure?

I just want to have a minute to say goodbye.

We'll be just around the corner, sir.

Aw, look at that one! That one is cute!

How long's he gonna be?

He's gone! Why didn't I anticipate this?!

He's been affected by the oxytocin

hormone released by the morphlings!

The what?

It's a hormone that the morphlings excrete

to ensure their hosts look after them

until they're strong enough to stand on their own six suckers!

And then devour his emotions.

Precisely! We've gotta find him!

Well, we have to narrow down the search somehow.

Got an idea.

Turn off Al the heat in the ship, apart from in the diesel decks,

so it will drive him down there.

And then what?

Track them down undetected!

They are polymorphs!

They feed off emotions. They will sense us!

Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed.

Hey?

Listy, if you have a personality tuck

to remove your emotions, we're sorted!

That stupid machine? Why me?

Kryten's the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him.

Can't be me, obviously. That leaves you!

Why can't it be you?

Don't interrupt.

And after the tuck, you'll be able to walk

amongst the morphlings undetected!

They feed on human emotions, and if you've got no emotions,

they won't know you're there!

And what will happen to my emotions?

We'll just download your brain.

Kryten, have a 5 Mb memory stick on standby.

Will do, sir.

I'm not sure about this.

Ah! You're done. Excellent.

Well, I haven't started yet, sir.

Mr. Lister?

Sorry mate. Was miles away.

Are you ready, sir?

Yeah, come on. Let's do it!

Let's send him in then get this done.

Ah.

What?

Well, according to the tracker,

we are now completely surrounded by life forms.

The morphlings appear to have reached

full maturation quicker than expected.

But what about the Cat?

Does that mean they've already scarfed all his emotions?

Well, according the tracker, there are nine life forms.

He's still alive, but barely,

living in an emotionless semi-status - mind almost totally blank.

No change there, then.

But with each polymorph we eliminate,sir,

Part of the Cat's personality will return!

Hey buds, I need a hand here!

I'm busted up really bad!

How did you know that wasn't the cat?

I didn't.

So why'd you shoot him?

Why not?

Help me!

What's wrong with him?!

He's got no emotions,sir.

We've turned him into a dehumanized assassin.

So what should we do?

May I suggest,sir,

Run mode.

Ha! Oh there you are,sir!

I fear Mr. Lister may be a polymorph.

That's how he was able to detect

the other polymorphs and kill them!

Well, why would he be killing them?

Oh, they're known for killing each other,sir.

That way, there's more food for the victor.

We can't trust anyone!

So, how can I trust you!?

Oh, well, how can I trust you?!

And how can I trust either of you?

H-how many are left?

Mmmm, make it six.

Six, yeah. That's right.

And he could be one of them!

I'm not a polymorph. Neither am I!

Nor me.

What do we do?

I'm asking you.

Cause I'm not a polymorph, but you might be.

So might you.

How about we go down to the science room

x-ray each other, that way we can be sure!

Good idea.

After you. After you.

After you. After you.

After you. After you.

Right after you, then. After you.

After you. You go first.

This is a nightmare!

For crying out loud! Isn't this hard enough already?

Let's get to the science room and x-ray one another.

Guys! They had me tied up, but I got away!

What's happening?

There are 6 polymorphs here, and we don't know who's who.

I'm sure you'll work it out. Catch you later!

Let's get to the lift.

How did you know who was who?

A mama always knows her kids.

It's me. Can I come in?

I'm trying to sleep, Bud.

Cat,

I just wanted to talk to ya about that thing that you're not.

I mean, I know you're not.

You know you're not - we both know you're not.

Because I'm not.

Exactly.

But if you were, which you're not,

it wouldn't mean that you're a loser,

it wouldn't mean that you weren't cool,

it'd just mean that you hadn't met the right girl yet.

But I'm not.

Exactly.

So no need to have this talk.

Exactly!

So go away!

I'm gone!

Man, is he annoying!

So damn patronizing!

Don't he know a cat always has two homes?

Guy try to tell him, but he won't listen!

Hey! It's late.

We keep talking,

and there ain't going to be much time for lovin'.

This is a dream, isn't it?

But look on the bright side; you haven't woke up yet.

Let's go.

Pipe me!

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