Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:23,717 --> 00:00:34,418
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
2
00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,408
Kryten, it's me.
Are you there?
3
00:00:47,409 --> 00:00:50,168
'Er, yes, sir, I'm
here, sir, reading you. Over.'
4
00:00:50,169 --> 00:00:55,008
There's something on Little
Monitor 2. Weird shape. Really massive. What is it?
5
00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:57,809
'It's your kebab, sir,
as requested. Over.'
6
00:00:59,289 --> 00:01:00,809
What, this is a kebab?!
7
00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:06,968
Wow! It's absolutely massive!
It's a monster!
8
00:01:06,969 --> 00:01:11,129
'A large chicken doner combo, salad,
chilli sauce, everything. Over.'
9
00:01:11,853 --> 00:01:14,172
All right, I'm going in!
10
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:16,133
'Good luck, sir!'
11
00:01:50,773 --> 00:01:52,853
What?!
12
00:01:55,173 --> 00:01:56,933
No way!
13
00:01:57,973 --> 00:02:00,652
What's that smell?
Has there been a fire in here?
14
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:03,412
Just a small one.
I put it out with my beer.
15
00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:05,612
For goodness' sake, Lister,
that's terrible!
16
00:02:05,613 --> 00:02:08,412
Don't panic! I've got another one.
17
00:02:08,413 --> 00:02:10,372
You can't eat in the drive room.
18
00:02:10,373 --> 00:02:12,812
No foods or liquids
around the work stations.
19
00:02:12,813 --> 00:02:14,892
Health and Safety Protocol 121.
20
00:02:14,893 --> 00:02:17,452
Who cares about health and safety,
Rimmer?
21
00:02:17,453 --> 00:02:21,652
We're getting life signs from
this moon, 200 clicks east. I'm going to check it out!
22
00:02:21,653 --> 00:02:25,452
Lister, we have health and
safety protocols for a reason - to safeguard the crew.
23
00:02:25,453 --> 00:02:26,492
What crew?
24
00:02:26,493 --> 00:02:30,052
The original crew? They all got
wiped out, remember?
25
00:02:30,053 --> 00:02:31,933
Exactly. By you!
26
00:02:33,213 --> 00:02:34,252
Exactly.
27
00:02:34,253 --> 00:02:36,372
When you didn't fix
that drive plate properly,
28
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,493
and that radiation leak
fried them to a crisp.
29
00:02:39,653 --> 00:02:40,933
Exactly.
30
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:45,972
Which is why the whole
health and safety protocol procedure has been updated.
31
00:02:45,973 --> 00:02:48,932
Because, ultimately, who was truly
to blame for that accident?
32
00:02:48,933 --> 00:02:50,612
The man... or the system?
33
00:02:50,613 --> 00:02:51,852
The man.
34
00:02:51,853 --> 00:02:53,612
Was it the man, though?
35
00:02:53,613 --> 00:02:55,052
It was, yes.
36
00:02:55,053 --> 00:02:56,452
Or was it the system?
37
00:02:56,453 --> 00:02:58,413
It was the man,
definitely the man.
38
00:02:58,414 --> 00:02:59,772
Or was it the system?
39
00:02:59,773 --> 00:03:01,292
The man.
40
00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:04,092
A system that allowed a technician
to repair a drive plate
41
00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:06,172
without adequate training
or know-how.
42
00:03:06,173 --> 00:03:09,012
A system that has since been
completely overhauled by yours truly,
43
00:03:09,013 --> 00:03:11,373
so that an accident of that
nature never happens again.
44
00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:12,892
So what you're saying is,
45
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:17,052
you learned valuable safety lessons
from wiping out the crew and, as a result,
46
00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,893
you've updated the safety
regulations,
47
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:22,172
making this ship
a much safer working environment
48
00:03:22,173 --> 00:03:24,173
for the crew you wiped out.
49
00:03:25,253 --> 00:03:28,412
Scoff away, Lister, but the point is
we have new regulations,
50
00:03:28,413 --> 00:03:30,532
which means that
you're going to have to fill in
51
00:03:30,533 --> 00:03:32,493
an accident report form for
that fire.
52
00:03:32,494 --> 00:03:37,052
A what?! And once it's completed,
you'll have to submit it to the Accident Report Assessment Unit,
53
00:03:37,053 --> 00:03:38,813
care of the Health and Safety
Executive.
54
00:03:38,814 --> 00:03:40,372
And who the smeg would that be?
55
00:03:40,373 --> 00:03:41,653
Me.
56
00:03:45,053 --> 00:03:46,452
There are the forms.
57
00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:49,932
I am not filling out any
smegging forms, Rimmer!
58
00:03:49,933 --> 00:03:51,452
I'm going to check this moon.
59
00:03:51,453 --> 00:03:54,252
Ignore that, and someone
could get seriously hurt.
60
00:03:54,253 --> 00:03:56,053
Yeah - you, if you keep talking!
61
00:03:57,093 --> 00:03:59,412
Hang on a minute! It's 20 pages!
62
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:01,573
I'll send you on the other
sections later.
63
00:04:19,973 --> 00:04:21,412
You're up late, sir.
64
00:04:21,413 --> 00:04:22,732
Been hunting.
65
00:04:22,733 --> 00:04:26,012
Trying to swat this damn
space weevil.
66
00:04:26,013 --> 00:04:28,413
Little sucker keeps outsmarting me!
67
00:04:29,493 --> 00:04:32,093
Well, they do have an IQ of 2, sir.
68
00:04:35,053 --> 00:04:38,692
One minute it's there, next minute
it's gone. It's driving me crazy!
69
00:04:38,693 --> 00:04:41,452
What's happening with you?
Well, I've been running some tests
70
00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:44,972
on the crystals I extracted
from the quantum rod, sir.
71
00:04:44,973 --> 00:04:48,052
A by-product of the rod's ability
to transport its host vessel
72
00:04:48,053 --> 00:04:50,972
seems to be a curious power
of synchronicity.
73
00:04:50,973 --> 00:04:53,372
That's strange.
Before, I was napping,
74
00:04:53,373 --> 00:04:56,172
and I had a dream you were doing
something crazy with crystals.
75
00:04:56,173 --> 00:04:58,372
What a weird coincidence.
76
00:04:58,373 --> 00:05:01,372
Hey! We both said
that at the same time!
77
00:05:01,373 --> 00:05:02,452
And that!
78
00:05:02,453 --> 00:05:04,092
What's going on?!
79
00:05:04,093 --> 00:05:06,333
Why are we saying
everything together?!
80
00:05:07,653 --> 00:05:09,693
Probably just coincidence.
81
00:05:20,293 --> 00:05:21,892
I think that's fixed it, sir.
82
00:05:21,893 --> 00:05:24,371
You think that tube thing made us
speak at the same time?
83
00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:25,453
I doubt it, sir.
84
00:05:25,454 --> 00:05:28,452
Probably just coincidence.
85
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,452
What the hell's going on?!
86
00:05:30,453 --> 00:05:33,132
Well, it seems the crystals,
temporarily at least,
87
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,972
have invigorated our psi, making us
more prone to coincidence.
88
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:39,492
There was a fascinating book
on the subject
89
00:05:39,493 --> 00:05:45,333
by a scientist
called Arthur Koestler which was called The Roots Of Coincidence.
90
00:05:49,053 --> 00:05:50,692
There it is!
91
00:05:50,693 --> 00:05:52,332
How weird is that?!
92
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:55,812
According to Koestler, coincidence is
more likely to happen
93
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,292
to people in states of
heightened emotion,
94
00:05:58,293 --> 00:06:02,932
as emotions lower consciousness
while increasing the powers of the unconscious.
95
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:05,052
So, every time we're together
and emotional,
96
00:06:05,053 --> 00:06:07,572
we're likely to experience
this coincidence stuff?
97
00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:09,212
Only temporarily, sir.
98
00:06:09,213 --> 00:06:11,053
Space weevil!
99
00:06:14,453 --> 00:06:18,092
Mr Lister, some rather intriguing
developments on the, er...
100
00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:19,132
Oh.
101
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:20,732
Mr Lister?
102
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,413
Well...
103
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,133
Kryten!
104
00:06:28,533 --> 00:06:29,892
Open the door!
105
00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,853
I've left my key!
106
00:06:33,453 --> 00:06:35,053
Open the door!
107
00:06:36,173 --> 00:06:37,613
Let me in!
108
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:50,212
Sir, what on earth
were you doing outside?!
109
00:06:50,213 --> 00:06:52,532
Trying to get in!
Wasn't it obvious?
110
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:56,012
We've had a life sign confirmation
from one of the scouters.
111
00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:58,212
I took Starbug to check it out.
112
00:06:58,213 --> 00:07:01,892
That's the second moon
with life signs we've passed in the last decade!
113
00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:05,053
I had no idea this region of space
was so lively.
114
00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:10,092
Yeah, it's mental
round here, Kryten, you never get a moment's peace!
115
00:07:10,093 --> 00:07:14,252
Anyway, they're called BEGGs,
Biologically Engineered Garbage Gobblers,
116
00:07:14,253 --> 00:07:17,732
created on Earth to eat refuse.
They've got this digestive system
117
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:20,572
that can cope with scoffing
sediment, sludge and slop,
118
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:24,332
permanently inebriated, with breath
that could sandblast buildings.
119
00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:26,252
I'm so pleased for you, sir.
120
00:07:26,253 --> 00:07:28,932
At last you've got the opportunity
to make new friends.
121
00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:31,972
I wanted to see if they'd help
in finding Kochanski.
122
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,652
Did they, sir?
123
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:35,372
Nah, they've not seen her.
124
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:38,412
Just spent the whole evening
drinking whisky and playing poker. Anyway...
125
00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:41,812
Incidentally, sir, why WERE you
outside with a jet-pack?
126
00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:42,852
Let me finish.
127
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,532
As I was saying...
Sir, where is Starbug?
128
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,732
Let me finish! As I was saying,
we were sat round the...
129
00:07:48,733 --> 00:07:51,572
Sir! You lost Starbug
in a card game?!
130
00:07:51,573 --> 00:07:53,532
You've spoilt the end now!
131
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:56,892
Don't look at me like that.
There is an upside.
132
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,173
Upside, how can there be
an upside? What's the upside?
133
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:01,053
I lost Rimmer too.
134
00:08:02,653 --> 00:08:04,252
Pick him up Friday.
135
00:08:04,253 --> 00:08:07,732
That's tomorrow! Oh, sir, what on
earth are we going to do?
136
00:08:07,733 --> 00:08:11,573
I know. 24 hours - it's going to be
worse than being a kid on Christmas Eve.
137
00:08:12,733 --> 00:08:16,692
Oh, all right, all right. I'll go
back tomorrow, get him back somehow.
138
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:17,772
Starbug too.
139
00:08:17,773 --> 00:08:18,973
Speaking of Mr Rimmer,
140
00:08:18,974 --> 00:08:22,612
he asked me to give you these
accident report forms for you to fill in.
141
00:08:22,613 --> 00:08:23,893
Oh, cheers, Krytes.
142
00:08:24,973 --> 00:08:26,853
Good night.
143
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:53,092
Just drying the cutlery, sir,
using my heat outlet.
144
00:08:53,093 --> 00:08:55,452
Kryten, where's Lister?
Have you seen him?
145
00:08:55,453 --> 00:08:57,772
I think he may be
in the drive room, sir.
146
00:08:57,773 --> 00:09:00,492
Has he had an opportunity
to talk to you yet, sir?
147
00:09:00,493 --> 00:09:02,812
Why? No reason, sir,
I was just wondering.
148
00:09:02,813 --> 00:09:06,812
Do you know
if he's completed that sheaf of health and safety forms yet?
149
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,812
I think he may need another set, sir.
150
00:09:08,813 --> 00:09:11,812
You see, there was a slight
accident with the airlock,
151
00:09:11,813 --> 00:09:15,292
and the papers were accidentally
sucked out into space, sir.
152
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,293
Another accident?
153
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:22,692
That means he's going to have
to fill out two sets of accident report forms.
154
00:09:22,693 --> 00:09:23,973
I'll get the papers.
155
00:09:23,974 --> 00:09:28,252
Well, it wasn't an accident per se,
sir. You mean, he just flushed them out into space?
156
00:09:28,253 --> 00:09:31,612
Well, I wouldn't put it exactly
like that, sir...
157
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,053
Were safety procedures followed?
158
00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:36,692
Was an airlock accident risk
assessment form completed before he opened the airlock?
159
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:39,372
That may have been overlooked, sir.
160
00:09:39,373 --> 00:09:42,252
Well, that's another set of forms
he's going to have to fill in.
161
00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:43,813
I don't know whether
I've got enough.
162
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:01,653
Flushing safety reports into
space...
163
00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:05,373
He's not going to get away
with this.
164
00:10:05,374 --> 00:10:08,213
There's got to be a solution
to this.
165
00:10:09,493 --> 00:10:12,692
I've just been speaking to Kryten,
and he told me what you did.
166
00:10:12,693 --> 00:10:15,572
Did he? I have to say,
I'm disappointed,
167
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,093
but not the least bit surprised.
168
00:10:18,413 --> 00:10:19,452
Right.
169
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,092
Well, you're taking it better
than I expected.
170
00:10:22,093 --> 00:10:25,412
Expect people to let you down -
you'll never be disappointed.
171
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:28,972
Let me say right off
that I'm truly sorry, I really am.
172
00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:30,972
You're not sorry.
Of course I'm sorry!
173
00:10:30,973 --> 00:10:33,453
I've been up all night thinking
about it. I can't sleep!
174
00:10:33,454 --> 00:10:34,892
Are you serious?
175
00:10:34,893 --> 00:10:38,212
Of course I'm serious! What I did
was out of order, out of line,
176
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:40,292
beyond the pale.
177
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:42,172
Wow.
178
00:10:42,173 --> 00:10:46,652
And just let me say, I'll put
everything to rights first thing in the morning.
179
00:10:46,653 --> 00:10:48,173
I promise.
180
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:53,732
Finally, after all these years of
battering my head against a wall,
181
00:10:53,733 --> 00:10:56,372
trying to make you into
a person of calibre and stature,
182
00:10:56,373 --> 00:10:58,932
who takes pride
in the mundane and petty,
183
00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,413
at last the penny's dropped.
184
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:01,972
Listey,
185
00:11:01,973 --> 00:11:08,053
I think you're finally
become the vending machine third technician of my dreams!
186
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:12,732
What's this?
187
00:11:12,733 --> 00:11:14,253
The accident report forms.
188
00:11:15,533 --> 00:11:19,252
I haven't got time to waste
twatting about with that!
189
00:11:19,253 --> 00:11:20,492
What?!
190
00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:23,932
I've got to dig myself out of
this hole I've got myself into.
191
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,252
Hole, what hole?
192
00:11:25,253 --> 00:11:27,932
The gambling with BEGGs hole.
193
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:30,052
Gambling with BEGGs?
194
00:11:30,053 --> 00:11:32,252
You've been gambling with BEGGs?!
195
00:11:32,253 --> 00:11:33,772
Those garbage-munchers!
196
00:11:33,773 --> 00:11:36,052
Lister, I've told you
a million times...
197
00:11:36,053 --> 00:11:39,052
you gamble with lowlifes,
there's only one loser.
198
00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:40,893
In this case, there's two!
199
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:43,213
Who's the other one?
200
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:46,253
A guy about your height,
your colouring, who goes by the name of you.
201
00:11:47,293 --> 00:11:50,292
Er, Mr Lister gambled you
in a poker game, sir,
202
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,453
and I'm afraid to report,
he lost you.
203
00:11:53,493 --> 00:11:55,292
We're all deeply sorry, bud...
204
00:11:55,293 --> 00:11:57,453
apart from me and him and him.
205
00:12:00,293 --> 00:12:02,013
Do you really think this is helping?
206
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,692
I'm not here to help!
207
00:12:03,693 --> 00:12:05,612
Read my CV.
208
00:12:05,613 --> 00:12:10,893
"Does not help. Does not clean.
Will have sex with anything."
209
00:12:13,373 --> 00:12:14,972
You lost me in a poker game?!
210
00:12:14,973 --> 00:12:17,212
Like I'm some kind of thing
211
00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:19,453
to be lost in a poker game?!
212
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:22,252
I was trying to win Starbug back.
213
00:12:22,253 --> 00:12:24,133
I didn't have anything else
they wanted.
214
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,772
Right. Turn the engines up
full power. We'll outrun them.
215
00:12:26,773 --> 00:12:30,132
Once they realise they can't
catch us, they'll give up.
216
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:32,173
Ah, we can't outrun them. Why not?
217
00:12:41,413 --> 00:12:44,813
Wow! Cool pants, bud!
218
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,132
Oh, that's a groin exploder, sir.
219
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:50,732
It sure is!
220
00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:53,252
That's going to drive
the chicks nuts!
221
00:12:53,253 --> 00:12:55,732
If I don't make good on my debt...
222
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,613
deliver Rimmer by midnight
tomorrow...
223
00:12:57,614 --> 00:13:00,972
then this thing is going to propel
my love spuds
224
00:13:00,973 --> 00:13:03,972
to the far reaches of deep space.
225
00:13:03,973 --> 00:13:06,972
So what? You never use them anyway!
226
00:13:06,973 --> 00:13:09,332
Have you tried removing it, sir?
227
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,332
It's rigged to blow
if I tamper with it.
228
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,332
There's a sign on the side -
"E-R-R-A".
229
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:17,532
ERRA? Must be something to do
with the manufacturer, but I can't trace them.
230
00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:20,932
I have to say I'm taking
no pleasure from this.
231
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,052
No pleasure whatsoever.
232
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,772
No, wait. In fact,
that's completely wrong.
233
00:13:25,773 --> 00:13:28,852
I'm taking immense pleasure
from this.
234
00:13:28,853 --> 00:13:33,732
It may not have occurred, sir,
but if the exploder detonates, killing Mr Lister,
235
00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:38,012
then the ship will automatically shut
down your hologram projection unit.
236
00:13:38,013 --> 00:13:40,812
If Mr Lister goes, you go with him.
237
00:13:40,813 --> 00:13:43,172
You're both sort of... connected.
238
00:13:43,173 --> 00:13:44,492
Like we are!
239
00:13:44,493 --> 00:13:47,212
What a coincidence!
240
00:13:47,213 --> 00:13:49,052
A thought occurs, sir.
241
00:13:49,053 --> 00:13:52,652
This technology is way beyond
anything the BEGGs could manufacture.
242
00:13:52,653 --> 00:13:57,812
They have a low cunning, but are
a primitive race of little sophistication.
243
00:13:57,813 --> 00:14:00,173
Maybe that's our answer.
244
00:14:14,139 --> 00:14:16,978
Weh-for-a-borg-ka-sming! Ha-ha-ha!
245
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:22,396
He says, "Ah, so, you return
with my winnings! Ha-ha-ha!"
246
00:14:22,484 --> 00:14:24,563
And in keeping with our agreement,
247
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,204
you deactivate the knacker attacker,
yeah?
248
00:14:28,484 --> 00:14:29,763
Bew-ka-fing?
249
00:14:29,764 --> 00:14:31,284
Is that the hologram?
250
00:14:32,364 --> 00:14:36,283
Yes, it is, but as you can see, he's
old and raddled and fit for nothing.
251
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:37,283
Scrom-jella!
252
00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:38,643
Fhoom, olla-goon.
253
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,563
Chall-ah-gah! Raddled.
Mon-blaga. Dro-go.
254
00:14:41,564 --> 00:14:44,043
Instead, I bring you this.
255
00:14:44,044 --> 00:14:46,283
O-galla kra-goom-oo, hoon!
256
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:48,003
The fabled...
257
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:50,204
spoon of destiny.
258
00:14:51,404 --> 00:14:55,203
He that hath the spoon
controls all things.
259
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:57,923
No object hath such power.
260
00:14:57,924 --> 00:15:00,763
Oom-balla-scoom-droo!
261
00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:04,923
Hmm-yalla controls
tra-la-loomo drob-oh!
262
00:15:04,924 --> 00:15:08,363
He-swar-gyent-oo-moo?
263
00:15:08,364 --> 00:15:11,825
He says, if the spoon controls all
things, why are you trading it?
264
00:15:12,057 --> 00:15:13,738
Um...
265
00:15:13,796 --> 00:15:18,035
Well, we just don't... really... use
it much any more.
266
00:15:18,036 --> 00:15:19,415
And, um...
267
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:20,898
It's a good question.
268
00:15:20,899 --> 00:15:26,898
We prefer the ship of green
and a sexy light man
269
00:15:26,899 --> 00:15:30,619
with the lady legs so long
and luscious.
270
00:15:33,259 --> 00:15:34,419
He speaks English!
271
00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:36,618
La-bogo-a-row-go-bay-len...
272
00:15:36,619 --> 00:15:40,978
English boarding school.
Bilan-garoo.
273
00:15:40,979 --> 00:15:42,939
What, he went to an English boarding
school?
274
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:45,498
Ah, no, sir, he ate someone
from an English boarding school.
275
00:15:45,499 --> 00:15:49,818
He forced them to teach him English
and then he munched them whole.
276
00:15:49,819 --> 00:15:53,818
If it pleases, maybe we will play
cards again.
277
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:59,098
Then perhaps you will win back your
hologram and your ship of green.
278
00:15:59,099 --> 00:16:04,178
Or maybe you will lose, and,
if you do, we will take your droid!
279
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:08,538
And your scented, shiny friend too.
280
00:16:10,739 --> 00:16:14,459
Look, we've got nothing to lose.
Let's play.
281
00:16:16,419 --> 00:16:18,378
I have a bad feeling about this.
282
00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:20,778
I've got this one, Krytes.
283
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:23,178
Sir, you're being set up again.
Don't you see?
284
00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:26,218
They're not simple people, they're
every bit as smart as you or I!
285
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,659
Yeah, I was close the last time,
I just got a bit cocky!
286
00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:30,698
You choked! You always choke!
287
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:34,338
You can't handle the pressure, bud.
If anyone's going to choke, they'll choke.
288
00:16:34,339 --> 00:16:36,818
They'll choke?!
Yeah, they're the chokers.
289
00:16:36,819 --> 00:16:40,618
They're not going to choke.
290
00:16:40,619 --> 00:16:45,019
They're choking! Don't choke!
How do you get out of this?
291
00:16:46,299 --> 00:16:48,418
Don't die! How do you
get out of the exploder?
292
00:16:48,419 --> 00:16:51,138
What's he saying, Kryten?
293
00:16:51,139 --> 00:16:55,978
He's speaking Choking To Death, sir.
It's very hard to translate if you're not being strangled.
294
00:16:55,979 --> 00:16:57,618
Don't die, don't die!
295
00:16:57,619 --> 00:17:00,458
Argh!
296
00:17:00,459 --> 00:17:04,418
Argh! The only guys that can help me
get out of this thing
297
00:17:04,419 --> 00:17:08,699
and now they're dead!
What am I going to do now?!
298
00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:13,578
Let me get this right.
299
00:17:13,579 --> 00:17:16,818
You guys have become...
quantum entangled somehow?
300
00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:18,018
Exactly.
301
00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:19,378
So you killed them?
302
00:17:19,379 --> 00:17:21,858
Oh, that event was always
going to occur.
303
00:17:21,859 --> 00:17:25,618
It's just, with our heightened
emotions, we were more aware of the synchronicity.
304
00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:27,698
Who cares?! What am I going
to do now?
305
00:17:27,699 --> 00:17:30,578
Perhaps we can harness
our new-found powers to help, sir.
306
00:17:30,579 --> 00:17:32,058
How?
307
00:17:32,059 --> 00:17:35,298
Well, Koestler said intense emotional
states tend to drive coincidence.
308
00:17:35,299 --> 00:17:38,778
So you're saying we need to make you
two emotional?
309
00:17:38,779 --> 00:17:41,098
Precisely. Getting me emotional?
310
00:17:41,099 --> 00:17:42,859
That's going to be harder
than you think.
311
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:46,458
Ever heard of the expression
"as cool as a Cat"?
312
00:17:46,459 --> 00:17:48,939
We're pretty hard to fluster,
buddy.
313
00:17:50,179 --> 00:17:51,778
Stage one achieved.
314
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,178
What do we do now?
315
00:17:53,179 --> 00:17:54,939
Who turned that on?
316
00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:57,898
'He's in danger, isn't he?
317
00:17:57,899 --> 00:18:00,458
'Oh, darling. Can't we help him?
318
00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:03,058
'He's got to get to the station.
It's his only chance.
319
00:18:03,059 --> 00:18:04,419
'But there's so little time!'
320
00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:07,178
Station? Maybe some space station.
321
00:18:07,179 --> 00:18:09,378
'It's up to him now.
322
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:11,218
'His fate is...
323
00:18:11,219 --> 00:18:14,458
'written in the stars.'
324
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:16,417
Maybe the stars
are something to do with this?
325
00:18:16,418 --> 00:18:17,619
It's that book again.
326
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:19,778
I'm not even going to say it.
327
00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:21,338
Look! Stars.
328
00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:22,498
And numbers.
329
00:18:22,499 --> 00:18:24,898
2-5-2-3-1-1.
330
00:18:24,899 --> 00:18:27,138
Those sound like
space coordinates.
331
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,778
That's getting really annoying.
332
00:18:28,779 --> 00:18:33,178
That's what E-R-R-A
is. It's a space station!
333
00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:37,058
Maybe the device was manufactured on
the space station
334
00:18:37,059 --> 00:18:38,858
and ended up on this moon somehow!
335
00:18:38,859 --> 00:18:43,299
Let's punch these numbers into the
navicom and see where it takes us.
336
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,402
So what is that place?
337
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:49,420
It's the Erroneous Reasoning
Research Academy, sir,
338
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:51,140
or ERRA, for short.
339
00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:53,700
Erroneous reasoning? What's that?
340
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:55,621
Most of the great scientific
breakthroughs
341
00:18:55,622 --> 00:18:58,180
come when two theories previously
dismissed as wrong
342
00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,900
are combined to make a right.
343
00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:04,220
The DNA double helix was discovered
in this exact way.
344
00:19:04,221 --> 00:19:05,341
What did they do here?
345
00:19:05,342 --> 00:19:07,620
Well, they specialised
in wrongness, sir.
346
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:09,500
Wrongness?!
347
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:12,540
The staff were hand-picked
for their ability to be mistaken,
348
00:19:12,541 --> 00:19:16,300
for their gifts in fallacious
analysis and defective reasoning.
349
00:19:16,301 --> 00:19:18,181
You could have excelled here!
350
00:19:19,461 --> 00:19:23,341
They were all outstandingly good
at being consistently incorrect.
351
00:19:24,741 --> 00:19:28,101
There were a lot of referees,
TV critics, weathermen...
352
00:19:29,421 --> 00:19:32,100
who were then re-educated
in the sciences
353
00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:35,380
to develop extraordinary new
erroneous theories
354
00:19:35,381 --> 00:19:38,980
that would be combined together
to produce works of great genius.
355
00:19:38,981 --> 00:19:40,020
Did it work?
356
00:19:40,021 --> 00:19:41,061
No.
357
00:19:42,141 --> 00:19:44,660
The whole idea turned out to be
wrong.
358
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:48,340
The man behind the idea was
so depressed, he attempted suicide.
359
00:19:48,341 --> 00:19:52,981
Naturally, he failed and he went on
to live into his 90s.
360
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,740
Look, we know the device
was manufactured here.
361
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:01,340
The key to getting out of this has
got to be here somewhere.
362
00:20:01,341 --> 00:20:03,260
Logging on to the mainframe.
363
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,780
Oh, interesting.
364
00:20:04,781 --> 00:20:08,340
There appears to be some
kind of life form in stasis.
365
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,060
Maybe we can ask their advice!
366
00:20:10,061 --> 00:20:11,700
Top floor.
367
00:20:11,701 --> 00:20:15,140
I pressed top floor.
How come we're going down?
368
00:20:15,141 --> 00:20:16,581
I'll press down.
369
00:20:19,461 --> 00:20:21,140
Now we're going up!
370
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:23,740
Everything is wrong here!
371
00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,821
I don't think you're right, Kryten.
372
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,780
I assure you I am, sir.
373
00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:30,820
No. I like this place.
374
00:20:30,821 --> 00:20:32,620
I'm very comfortable here.
375
00:20:32,621 --> 00:20:37,541
The smell, the atmosphere.
It feels like... home.
376
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:44,740
The stasis booths are in there.
377
00:20:44,741 --> 00:20:46,141
How the hell do we get in?
378
00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,380
Pity none of us can walk
through walls!
379
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,180
Oh, well, one of us can!
380
00:20:50,181 --> 00:20:53,260
Mr Rimmer, if he switches
to soft light projection mode.
381
00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:55,701
Once I'm in, change back
to hard light projection mode.
382
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:59,060
Highly likely there'll be
a switch to open the door from inside the vault.
383
00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:02,860
Whatever. Can you just make it
quick? Cos this is getting hotter.
384
00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:04,541
I'm getting baked potatoes!
385
00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:08,741
It sounds like it's getting
ready to blow. Come on.
386
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:20,540
Can you read me, sir?
387
00:21:20,541 --> 00:21:21,941
Switching you over now.
388
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:25,940
'Back to hard light, over.'
389
00:21:25,941 --> 00:21:27,380
See anything?
390
00:21:27,381 --> 00:21:30,620
'Eyes adjusting, walking along...
Wait.
391
00:21:30,621 --> 00:21:32,420
'Stasis booths, banks of them.'
392
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,460
Anything?
393
00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:35,620
'There's a light on in one of
the booths.
394
00:21:35,621 --> 00:21:37,380
'Whatever it is, it's alive.
395
00:21:37,381 --> 00:21:41,300
'According to the read-outs,
female, aged 31.'
396
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:42,780
Kochanski's female.
397
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:44,260
Kochanski's 31!
398
00:21:44,261 --> 00:21:45,620
Is it Kochanski?
399
00:21:45,621 --> 00:21:48,060
'Whoever it is, they're
brunette, 5'5".'
400
00:21:48,061 --> 00:21:50,780
Kochanski's brunette.
Kochanski's 5'5"!
401
00:21:50,781 --> 00:21:51,939
Is it Kochanski?
402
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,861
'Starting pod deactivation sequence.
403
00:21:53,862 --> 00:21:55,660
'Getting ID info.
404
00:21:55,661 --> 00:21:57,421
'Give me two minutes.
Going offline.'
405
00:21:57,422 --> 00:22:00,180
Oh, it won't be her. It'll be
someone else. It won't be her.
406
00:22:00,181 --> 00:22:03,900
I know it's not her. Don't even
think for one second that I think that it's her,
407
00:22:03,901 --> 00:22:05,459
because I know it isn't,
I know it.
408
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,339
Say it is...
Do you think it might be?
409
00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:09,741
Think it's something to
do with this coincidence thing?
410
00:22:09,742 --> 00:22:11,701
Could be!
411
00:22:12,741 --> 00:22:15,180
The door's opening! Here we go.
412
00:22:15,181 --> 00:22:17,460
It's not Kochanski.
It won't be Kochanski.
413
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:18,741
It won't be Kochanski.
414
00:22:20,061 --> 00:22:22,620
Gentlemen. Meet Professor Edgington,
415
00:22:22,621 --> 00:22:26,261
head of the ERRA Institute and
inventor of the groinal exploder.
416
00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:38,860
Well, it's definitely not Kochanski.
417
00:22:38,861 --> 00:22:40,301
She went for my groin.
418
00:22:46,821 --> 00:22:51,500
Most fascinating. She was working on
a research programme into evolution,
419
00:22:51,598 --> 00:22:56,117
attempting to evolve into the next
species of the evolutionary ladder.
420
00:22:56,118 --> 00:22:58,437
Naturally, the professor,
as a gifted ERRA-pert,
421
00:22:58,529 --> 00:23:00,248
got the experiment totally wrong.
422
00:23:00,249 --> 00:23:04,608
So basically, she took
an evolutionary wrong turn and wound up a monkey?
423
00:23:04,609 --> 00:23:06,609
She should've stopped
and asked directions!
424
00:23:08,289 --> 00:23:13,048
Much as I'm enjoying this
chitchat, it ain't helping me get this ball-buster off.
425
00:23:13,049 --> 00:23:14,209
I believe it is, sir.
426
00:23:14,210 --> 00:23:18,568
This is the very machine
Professor Edgington carried out her operation with.
427
00:23:18,569 --> 00:23:21,928
Now, if we can evolve her
back to her human form,
428
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:23,648
she may be able to help us.
429
00:23:23,649 --> 00:23:26,768
I've studied the manual,
it seems quite straightforward.
430
00:23:26,769 --> 00:23:29,248
I'm amazed she got it so wrong!
431
00:23:29,249 --> 00:23:31,809
Come on, let's go, switch it on.
Turning on now, sir.
432
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:34,448
Pressing "undo" now.
433
00:23:34,449 --> 00:23:37,088
Evolution mode... engaged.
434
00:23:37,089 --> 00:23:38,729
Oo-oo-oo!
435
00:23:41,769 --> 00:23:44,088
Oh, smeg! She's human.
436
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,328
Oh, smeg! She's naked.
437
00:23:46,329 --> 00:23:48,888
She's also naked.
438
00:23:48,889 --> 00:23:51,568
Did anyone mention that yet?
Is she naked?
439
00:23:51,569 --> 00:23:52,967
Oh, yes! I didn't notice.
440
00:23:52,968 --> 00:23:54,729
I'll go and get her a sheet
immediately.
441
00:23:54,730 --> 00:23:56,048
No rush, Kryten.
442
00:23:56,049 --> 00:23:58,368
Remember Protocol 175...
443
00:23:58,369 --> 00:24:00,328
no running in the corridors.
444
00:24:00,329 --> 00:24:01,688
Take your time.
445
00:24:01,689 --> 00:24:03,208
Walk carefully.
446
00:24:03,209 --> 00:24:07,688
Forget about the lift, Kryten,
take the stairs... one at a time.
447
00:24:07,689 --> 00:24:10,208
He's just going to be a few minutes.
448
00:24:10,209 --> 00:24:11,889
What are you doing, Lister?
449
00:24:13,929 --> 00:24:17,328
Allow me to introduce you
to the crew, Professor Edgington.
450
00:24:17,329 --> 00:24:20,528
Oh, please, call me Irene...
or Professor E.
451
00:24:20,529 --> 00:24:22,608
This is Mr Rimmer.
452
00:24:22,609 --> 00:24:24,168
Mr Rimmer!
453
00:24:24,169 --> 00:24:26,888
I sense a special bond between us.
454
00:24:26,889 --> 00:24:29,969
I've always been attracted
to the brave, silent types.
455
00:24:31,529 --> 00:24:33,248
That's me, all right!
456
00:24:33,249 --> 00:24:36,248
I probably won't speak again
for hours,
457
00:24:36,249 --> 00:24:39,889
as I'll be off silently doing
something very brave.
458
00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:45,608
What a gorgeous bunk room.
459
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:46,968
It's utterly enchanting.
460
00:24:46,969 --> 00:24:48,488
Enchanting?!
461
00:24:48,489 --> 00:24:49,928
Oh!
462
00:24:49,929 --> 00:24:52,088
Who plays the trumpet? Trumpet?
463
00:24:52,089 --> 00:24:53,728
It's a guitar case.
464
00:24:53,729 --> 00:24:55,888
Do any of you play? Yeah, I play.
465
00:24:55,889 --> 00:24:59,209
I bet you're absolutely brilliant.
466
00:25:00,449 --> 00:25:03,648
I thought she was supposed to be
wrong about everything, Kryten.
467
00:25:03,649 --> 00:25:06,808
Moving on to the matter in hand...
468
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:09,849
Yeah, yeah, can you... help
me get out of this?
469
00:25:12,449 --> 00:25:13,608
There it is.
470
00:25:13,609 --> 00:25:15,368
It's a diagram.
471
00:25:15,369 --> 00:25:18,528
Five symbols. We have to turn them
off in the correct order.
472
00:25:18,529 --> 00:25:20,289
What happens if we choose
the wrong ones?
473
00:25:20,290 --> 00:25:22,289
Absolutely nothing.
It's all perfectly safe.
474
00:25:22,290 --> 00:25:24,048
Oh, God...
475
00:25:24,049 --> 00:25:26,808
Right, if you're going to explode,
it's not going to be in here.
476
00:25:26,809 --> 00:25:30,648
Oh, Protocol 121 - no exploding
in the drive room, right?
477
00:25:30,649 --> 00:25:33,088
Sir, perhaps best
if you stand in the corridor.
478
00:25:33,089 --> 00:25:35,448
Don't mess this up.
I'm relying on you, Kryten.
479
00:25:35,449 --> 00:25:37,729
Don't listen to a word she says.
480
00:25:39,889 --> 00:25:43,528
Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, theta.
481
00:25:43,529 --> 00:25:45,528
OK, ma'am, what's the first
one we turn off?
482
00:25:45,529 --> 00:25:47,528
Beta.
483
00:25:47,529 --> 00:25:48,808
Beta it is.
484
00:25:48,809 --> 00:25:50,368
No...
485
00:25:50,369 --> 00:25:52,168
alpha. No, beta.
486
00:25:52,169 --> 00:25:53,608
Beta or alpha.
487
00:25:53,609 --> 00:25:54,808
Or delta.
488
00:25:54,809 --> 00:25:56,448
No, it's definitely delta.
489
00:25:56,449 --> 00:25:57,889
Delta or gamma.
490
00:25:59,089 --> 00:26:02,728
The only one Professor E
hasn't mentioned is theta.
491
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:04,729
First one - here it comes, sir -
theta.
492
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:10,849
Next one - gamma.
493
00:26:12,169 --> 00:26:15,728
Definitely gamma, trust me.
Any other possibilities? No...
494
00:26:15,729 --> 00:26:17,888
No, gamma. It's definitely gamma.
495
00:26:17,889 --> 00:26:19,928
Just gamma. I'm certain it's gamma.
496
00:26:19,929 --> 00:26:21,209
Or maybe beta or alpha.
497
00:26:22,449 --> 00:26:25,649
Next one, sir, here we go - delta.
498
00:26:27,089 --> 00:26:29,368
Next - alpha, beta or gamma?
499
00:26:29,369 --> 00:26:30,928
Beta.
500
00:26:30,929 --> 00:26:32,168
Or gamma.
501
00:26:32,169 --> 00:26:33,368
Or beta.
502
00:26:33,369 --> 00:26:34,729
Alpha!
503
00:26:37,249 --> 00:26:39,448
Two more, sir, then we're there.
504
00:26:39,449 --> 00:26:44,008
Two more? My boots are full
of my own leg dribble.
505
00:26:44,009 --> 00:26:47,168
Professor? Call me Irene...
everyone does.
506
00:26:47,169 --> 00:26:50,608
Next wire - gamma or beta, ma'am?
507
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:54,008
Beta, it's definitely beta. I'm not
going to change my mind this time.
508
00:26:54,009 --> 00:26:55,808
Beta. Beta.
509
00:26:55,809 --> 00:26:58,888
Beta. OK, gamma it is. Go for it.
510
00:26:58,889 --> 00:27:01,168
Wait a minute,
how about this for weird?
511
00:27:01,169 --> 00:27:04,368
Her name's Irene and her nickname is
Professor E.
512
00:27:04,369 --> 00:27:08,368
Put those names together
and you get Irene E.
513
00:27:08,369 --> 00:27:09,728
Irony.
514
00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:10,809
Wouldn't it be ironic
515
00:27:10,810 --> 00:27:15,088
if a professor known for being wrong
finally got something right?
516
00:27:15,089 --> 00:27:17,168
What do we do?
517
00:27:17,169 --> 00:27:20,929
Go for it. Go for beta.
Go for what she said.
518
00:27:45,209 --> 00:27:51,448
Oh, Arnold, you're everything I want
in a man - kind, clever, selfless.
519
00:27:51,449 --> 00:27:54,048
Don't forget amazing!
520
00:27:54,049 --> 00:27:56,408
Can I ask you a question?
521
00:27:56,409 --> 00:27:58,448
Do you think it would be wrong
for us
522
00:27:58,449 --> 00:28:01,369
to make love on our very first
evening together?
523
00:28:03,049 --> 00:28:04,889
Hmm, let me think.
524
00:28:06,209 --> 00:28:08,568
Well, Irene, on reflection,
525
00:28:08,569 --> 00:28:10,488
and I've given this much thought,
526
00:28:10,489 --> 00:28:12,248
I don't think it would.
527
00:28:12,249 --> 00:28:15,369
In fact, I think it would be
absolutely fine, tickety-boo and peachy.
528
00:28:17,209 --> 00:28:19,128
Hiya.
529
00:28:19,129 --> 00:28:20,169
Come on.
530
00:28:24,489 --> 00:28:26,929
Don't touch the buttons!
Don't touch the buttons!
531
00:28:26,930 --> 00:28:28,729
Don't...!
532
00:28:30,289 --> 00:28:32,169
Oh...
533
00:28:33,249 --> 00:28:34,729
Oh...
534
00:28:40,289 --> 00:28:41,849
Have you got a pen?
535
00:28:43,750 --> 00:29:30,667
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
536
00:29:30,717 --> 00:29:35,267
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41646
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
