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1
00:00:43,839 --> 00:00:46,198
Stop whatever you're doing, bud!
2
00:00:46,289 --> 00:00:48,647
We're having a crazy golf
championship in the medilab.
3
00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:49,729
It's going to be insane!
4
00:00:50,002 --> 00:00:51,760
I don't think so!
5
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:54,201
You won't say that when you
see the course. It's amazing!
6
00:00:54,202 --> 00:00:56,561
Best hole's the fourth,
on the autopsy table.
7
00:00:58,201 --> 00:01:00,320
The bath-lift takes
you up to the tee.
8
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,680
Out of bounds marked
by the commode cushions.
9
00:01:02,681 --> 00:01:04,681
You have to land your drive
over the bunion plasters
10
00:01:04,682 --> 00:01:06,920
in-between
the two kidney donor dishes.
11
00:01:06,921 --> 00:01:10,201
Then a straight shot into the medical
students' practice rectum.
12
00:01:12,241 --> 00:01:14,480
Not now, man.
Can't you see I'm cooking?
13
00:01:14,481 --> 00:01:16,560
Steak? What is it, pork?
14
00:01:16,561 --> 00:01:19,360
I found a deep-freeze down on
B Deck, next to Kryten's quarters.
15
00:01:19,361 --> 00:01:21,920
Enough for me?
Just one steak, one chop, one rib.
16
00:01:21,921 --> 00:01:23,840
Great! Just enough!
17
00:01:23,841 --> 00:01:26,121
Catch you later. Hey!
18
00:01:28,641 --> 00:01:31,481
I'm loving this pork!
19
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,640
Maybe needs a little more soy sauce.
20
00:01:35,641 --> 00:01:37,321
Oww!
21
00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:44,400
Lister, I've been meaning to say...
22
00:01:44,401 --> 00:01:48,120
Books? You've been reading
again, haven't you?
23
00:01:48,121 --> 00:01:50,400
Lister, I've told you
a million times,
24
00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,121
don't read, it messes you up.
25
00:01:53,401 --> 00:01:56,200
It's like giving a hamster,
who's only used to his little wheel,
26
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,200
the keys to an Aston Martin.
27
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,600
Crazy things are going to happen.
28
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,200
It's part of my robotics course -
I've got to read it.
29
00:02:03,201 --> 00:02:05,840
Makes you feel so inadequate.
30
00:02:05,841 --> 00:02:07,400
You know Mozart was only five
31
00:02:07,401 --> 00:02:09,920
when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?
32
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:13,040
I wasn't even toilet-trained
when I was five.
33
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,201
You've barely mastered it now.
34
00:02:16,401 --> 00:02:19,480
How did these people get to
be so great? I mean, Shakespeare.
35
00:02:19,481 --> 00:02:22,240
I don't understand anything he
wrote, but, man, what a dude!
36
00:02:22,241 --> 00:02:25,320
Plays, poems,
and a whole bunch of expressions.
37
00:02:25,321 --> 00:02:27,281
"A dish fit for a king" -
that was Shakespeare.
38
00:02:27,282 --> 00:02:28,720
What a great expression!
39
00:02:28,721 --> 00:02:30,960
Is it, though?
Is it a great expression?
40
00:02:30,961 --> 00:02:33,199
"A dish fit for a king?"
I say that all the time.
41
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,481
"This is a dish fit for a king!"
That's a great expression.
42
00:02:35,482 --> 00:02:38,840
I love that expression. Shakespeare,
you've got to hand it to him.
43
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:41,360
He could really write
a good expression.
44
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,560
Who couldn't have thought of that?
45
00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:46,720
"In a pickle" - that was another
Shakespeare expression.
46
00:02:46,721 --> 00:02:49,880
"In a pickle." How brilliant is
that? You know what it means?
47
00:02:49,881 --> 00:02:55,760
As confused as the mixed-up, stewed,
spicy vegetables in a pickle jar.
48
00:02:55,761 --> 00:02:57,280
And how are we supposed to know
49
00:02:57,281 --> 00:03:00,120
what the inside of a 16th-century
pickle jar looks like?
50
00:03:00,121 --> 00:03:01,760
And how is that relevant
51
00:03:01,761 --> 00:03:05,360
to our non-pickly lives
here in deep space today?
52
00:03:05,361 --> 00:03:07,120
When will people learn?
53
00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:09,521
Shakespeare, it's over!
54
00:03:11,001 --> 00:03:12,600
The money that guy must have made
55
00:03:12,601 --> 00:03:14,961
out of a few lousy expressions
and a bad haircut.
56
00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:17,280
Bad haircut?
57
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,920
Don't tell me you haven't
noticed his bad haircut?
58
00:03:19,921 --> 00:03:23,040
But because he's had a few hit
expressions, he gets away with it.
59
00:03:23,041 --> 00:03:26,560
What's wrong with his haircut?
He's got a skullet.
60
00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:28,760
A skull what?
61
00:03:28,761 --> 00:03:30,881
A bald mullet - a skullet.
62
00:03:32,481 --> 00:03:34,601
Bald at the front,
mullet at the back.
63
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,001
You wouldn't want to go out
in public with this guy.
64
00:03:38,002 --> 00:03:40,680
Sirs, the most incredible news!
65
00:03:40,681 --> 00:03:43,760
Someone's died, and you've
been left a new mop? Ohh!
66
00:03:43,761 --> 00:03:45,760
Please, sir, give me some credit.
67
00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:48,400
I'm not the one-dimensional
cleaning droid I once was.
68
00:03:48,401 --> 00:03:51,640
I've evolved into something
far more complex and multi-layered
69
00:03:51,641 --> 00:03:53,721
and, if I may say so, superior.
70
00:03:55,481 --> 00:03:58,480
Stain. Where?
Smudge. Oh, where?!
71
00:03:58,481 --> 00:04:01,560
Smear. Oh!
Speck. Oh, speck!
72
00:04:01,561 --> 00:04:03,321
Smeg. Smeg. Smeg!
73
00:04:05,401 --> 00:04:07,160
The crates were in transit, sir.
74
00:04:07,161 --> 00:04:09,800
I opened the first one and found
this. What is it?
75
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,160
It's a rejuvenation shower, sir.
76
00:04:12,161 --> 00:04:14,400
It rewinds each individual's genome
77
00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:17,160
and returns the body
to any point in its past.
78
00:04:17,161 --> 00:04:20,200
It can restore you
to your physical prime.
79
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,160
Oh, man, how great is that?
80
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,440
I can go back to last Thursday!
81
00:04:24,441 --> 00:04:27,321
Ahh. What?
82
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,400
It's Swedish. So?
83
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:36,280
It's a flat-pack, self-assembly.
We have to build it ourselves.
84
00:04:36,281 --> 00:04:38,561
"With just an Allen key
and a Phillips screwdriver,
85
00:04:38,562 --> 00:04:41,160
"assembly should take
less than three hours."
86
00:04:41,161 --> 00:04:43,561
That's Swedish for a week.
87
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,480
It's not a million miles away,
you know.
88
00:05:04,481 --> 00:05:07,001
What about all these spare parts
we didn't use?
89
00:05:08,201 --> 00:05:11,000
"Alignment bracket." What
the hell's an alignment bracket?
90
00:05:11,001 --> 00:05:12,921
Oh, look, we have taken
this thing apart
91
00:05:12,922 --> 00:05:14,921
and put it back together
a hundred times.
92
00:05:14,922 --> 00:05:16,240
It's aligned, all right?
93
00:05:16,241 --> 00:05:19,360
In what area is it not aligned?
In no area.
94
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,880
It's good to go, it's aligned,
let's do it.
95
00:05:21,881 --> 00:05:23,480
Who's going to test it?
96
00:05:23,481 --> 00:05:26,640
Hmm, we need something unimportant
and meaningless. Listey, you're up.
97
00:05:26,641 --> 00:05:28,880
There might be something here.
98
00:05:28,881 --> 00:05:30,720
Bits of black plastic,
99
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,360
bits of metal
that don't look important.
100
00:05:33,361 --> 00:05:35,080
Old battery.
101
00:05:35,081 --> 00:05:37,480
What we really need
is something organic,
102
00:05:37,481 --> 00:05:39,880
something alive,
something teeming with life.
103
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,361
Oh, sir, what about your socks?
104
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,201
Stand back, everyone.
They're coming through.
105
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:50,201
OK, I'm rejuvenating the socks.
106
00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:54,760
Oh! The beams.
107
00:05:54,761 --> 00:05:57,140
We're getting covered in beamer
light.
108
00:05:57,172 --> 00:05:58,372
They're misaligned!
109
00:05:58,373 --> 00:06:01,812
That's what those alignment
brackets were... for!
110
00:06:02,892 --> 00:06:05,011
What's happened? Where are we?
111
00:06:05,012 --> 00:06:09,452
Damn cheap, Swedish, flat-pack,
self-assembly rejuvenation showers!
112
00:06:10,532 --> 00:06:12,012
Where the hell has it sent us?
113
00:06:12,013 --> 00:06:14,771
I fear we may have
time-travelled, sirs.
114
00:06:14,772 --> 00:06:18,091
And I told you those white plastic
clippy things were important!
115
00:06:18,092 --> 00:06:20,731
Trees! This may be Earth!
116
00:06:20,732 --> 00:06:23,491
Earth! It's always Earth
with you guys.
117
00:06:23,492 --> 00:06:25,371
You see some trees, it's Earth.
118
00:06:25,372 --> 00:06:26,971
Who's to say it isn't a planet
119
00:06:26,972 --> 00:06:29,571
entirely populated by
naked warrior cat babes
120
00:06:29,572 --> 00:06:31,651
who need me to make love
to them all?
121
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,411
And what are the chances of that?
122
00:06:33,412 --> 00:06:36,571
If you've never had a dream,
you've never had a dream come true.
123
00:06:36,572 --> 00:06:38,331
Hmm.
124
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:41,971
We're in a land called Albion, sirs.
Better known as Britain.
125
00:06:41,972 --> 00:06:44,411
And the year is 23 AD.
126
00:06:44,412 --> 00:06:47,891
23 AD. Weren't Britons
all nutters back then?
127
00:06:47,892 --> 00:06:51,251
Running round sporting blue tattoos,
out their heads on booze,
128
00:06:51,252 --> 00:06:53,491
fighting, vomiting and passing out?
129
00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:56,571
A phase that doesn't end
any time soon, sir.
130
00:06:56,572 --> 00:06:58,251
Maybe we can stay.
131
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:01,211
We've got to get back to the Dwarf
and find Kochanski.
132
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,771
Ah, no fear, sir.
133
00:07:02,772 --> 00:07:04,812
I have the returner remote
right here.
134
00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:08,411
Oh. It doesn't appear to be
functioning.
135
00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:10,292
Does it need a battery,
by any chance?
136
00:07:10,293 --> 00:07:12,372
Eight volts, about yay big.
137
00:07:13,612 --> 00:07:15,131
I'll tell you what.
138
00:07:15,132 --> 00:07:16,611
We'll make a battery.
139
00:07:16,612 --> 00:07:18,331
Out of what, trees and moss?
140
00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:20,851
Out of potatoes.
We did it at school.
141
00:07:20,852 --> 00:07:23,691
A potato, a copper coin
and an iron nail.
142
00:07:23,692 --> 00:07:25,971
We can make a one-volt battery.
143
00:07:25,972 --> 00:07:29,051
Make eight, connect them up, we've
got eight volts and can return home.
144
00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:32,451
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any potatoes
145
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,172
and won't get them until
the 16th century.
146
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:39,691
Lemons! The exact same battery
but with lemons.
147
00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:43,411
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any lemons either.
148
00:07:43,412 --> 00:07:45,731
They won't get those
until the 14th century.
149
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,411
He's getting closer.
150
00:07:47,412 --> 00:07:49,811
So, where's our nearest lemon?
151
00:07:49,812 --> 00:07:51,451
Best guess, sir, India.
152
00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:53,211
India? How far is that?
153
00:07:53,212 --> 00:07:55,051
4,000 miles, sir.
154
00:07:55,052 --> 00:07:57,571
If we walk briskly,
we'll get there in six months.
155
00:07:57,572 --> 00:07:59,051
Six months?!
156
00:07:59,052 --> 00:08:00,531
I can't wait.
157
00:08:00,532 --> 00:08:02,932
Well, we've got no choice
if we want to get home.
158
00:08:02,933 --> 00:08:06,531
Let's face it, sir.
We're in a real pickle.
159
00:08:06,532 --> 00:08:09,892
Mr Lister, sir. India is this way.
160
00:08:30,972 --> 00:08:32,692
Hey, it's a market.
161
00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:57,131
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion
for ten full cycles of the moon,
162
00:08:57,132 --> 00:09:01,051
but I fled after my family were
dragged screaming from my home
163
00:09:01,052 --> 00:09:02,771
to a mighty wicker tower,
164
00:09:02,772 --> 00:09:05,971
where they were sacrificed
to the three gods,
165
00:09:05,972 --> 00:09:07,971
Toutatis, Esus and Taranis.
166
00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:11,131
First they were garrotted to death,
then they were burnt to death,
167
00:09:11,132 --> 00:09:12,532
then they were drowned to death.
168
00:09:12,533 --> 00:09:15,891
Three deaths to appease
the three gods.
169
00:09:15,892 --> 00:09:19,251
Then the druids drank their blood
and ate their meat
170
00:09:19,252 --> 00:09:22,012
and said the harvest
would be bountiful.
171
00:09:23,172 --> 00:09:25,292
Right. Have you got any lemons?
172
00:09:26,972 --> 00:09:29,332
They're a fruit -
they've not been launched in Europe,
173
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,771
but I've heard
they've been released here.
174
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,011
Ah, lemons!
175
00:09:33,012 --> 00:09:36,011
Oh! Found them! Citrus, citrus!
176
00:09:36,012 --> 00:09:38,011
We come from Albion, through Gaul,
177
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:41,331
across half the Roman Empire,
Persia, Parthia,
178
00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:43,411
all for this very fruit.
179
00:09:43,412 --> 00:09:45,971
This one here? Is it famous?
180
00:09:45,972 --> 00:09:48,131
No, not that one in particular.
181
00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:50,771
We're in search of
lemons in general.
182
00:09:50,772 --> 00:09:52,971
We've walked 4,000 miles.
183
00:09:52,972 --> 00:09:54,331
How many do you want?
184
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,971
Eight.
185
00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:57,731
Eight?
186
00:09:57,732 --> 00:10:00,691
You walked across half the known
world for eight lemons?
187
00:10:00,692 --> 00:10:04,372
You're right, that's absolutely
insane. Make it ten.
188
00:10:06,452 --> 00:10:09,211
Have you got a bag?
What's a bag?
189
00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:10,892
Bags haven't been invented yet, sir.
190
00:10:10,893 --> 00:10:15,051
In 23 AD, the rich
have satchels made of goat hide.
191
00:10:15,052 --> 00:10:16,532
So what did everyone else do?
192
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,651
They drop things, sir.
193
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:22,411
Right, what next?
Apart from new feet.
194
00:10:22,412 --> 00:10:25,251
We need copper for the
positive electrode.
195
00:10:25,252 --> 00:10:27,012
Copper? Where are we going
to get copper?
196
00:10:27,013 --> 00:10:29,492
Isn't Britain famous for its copper?
197
00:10:30,612 --> 00:10:33,251
Ahh! No way!
198
00:10:33,252 --> 00:10:36,651
I said we needed a shopping list!
Didn't I say we need a list?
199
00:10:36,652 --> 00:10:39,811
Hang on!
Aren't copper coins made of copper?
200
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:41,451
He's right!
201
00:10:41,452 --> 00:10:43,371
I think I read that somewhere.
202
00:10:43,372 --> 00:10:45,651
Then we've got copper.
203
00:10:45,652 --> 00:10:48,691
Hee-hee!
Next up, galvanised nails.
204
00:10:48,692 --> 00:10:50,451
And a shave!
205
00:10:50,452 --> 00:10:52,611
Da-da! Hey!
206
00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:56,171
Finally got the sphalerite ore
from a Chinese merchant.
207
00:10:56,172 --> 00:11:00,531
Three weeks for a few lousy nails?
Everything's so damn primitive here.
208
00:11:00,532 --> 00:11:03,531
You have to remember, sir, that many
things have yet to be discovered.
209
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:07,131
In 23 AD, they still believed
the Earth was flat,
210
00:11:07,132 --> 00:11:09,731
that Tourette's and epilepsy
were caused by demons,
211
00:11:09,732 --> 00:11:13,811
and an oxen had a higher standing
in society than a woman.
212
00:11:13,812 --> 00:11:15,892
Where did the oxen go wrong?!
213
00:11:17,172 --> 00:11:19,971
They had it all
and just threw it all away.
214
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:23,971
Also, did you know that the
colour purple is a luxury item?
215
00:11:23,972 --> 00:11:27,451
It's made from crushed seashells,
and only the very rich can afford it.
216
00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:29,091
Colour purple?
217
00:11:29,092 --> 00:11:31,611
What's wrong with just mixing
red stuff with blue stuff?
218
00:11:31,612 --> 00:11:35,011
They haven't discovered
that yet, sir. Really? Mm.
219
00:11:35,012 --> 00:11:36,331
Jesus!
220
00:11:36,332 --> 00:11:38,892
Yes? What?
221
00:11:43,332 --> 00:11:47,611
I'm sorry?
I'm just... talking to my mates here.
222
00:11:47,612 --> 00:11:50,452
Oh. My apologies. No worries.
223
00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,651
No way!
224
00:11:54,652 --> 00:11:58,371
It can't be, can it?
Don't look! Don't stare!
225
00:11:58,372 --> 00:12:01,651
23 AD - this is when
he was supposed to be alive.
226
00:12:01,652 --> 00:12:04,212
So how old would he be?
227
00:12:06,172 --> 00:12:08,731
Well, let's work it out, shall we?
228
00:12:08,732 --> 00:12:12,012
In 23 AD, he'd be...
229
00:12:26,452 --> 00:12:28,892
23.
230
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:34,171
That's how old that guy looks.
What's he doing in India?
231
00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:37,251
Shouldn't he be in Nazareth
or somewhere, making tables?
232
00:12:37,252 --> 00:12:39,012
Maybe he's on his gap year.
233
00:12:40,612 --> 00:12:43,010
According to the Bible, sirs,
there was no sight of him
234
00:12:43,011 --> 00:12:45,092
from when he was a young child
to when he was 30.
235
00:12:45,093 --> 00:12:48,372
Oh! So this is like Club 18-30,
the holy version?
236
00:12:49,692 --> 00:12:52,011
The missing years -
I've heard about this.
237
00:12:52,012 --> 00:12:54,731
He toured the world,
perfecting his teachings.
238
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,372
I'm going to get his autograph.
No way!
239
00:12:58,372 --> 00:13:00,611
EBay - it'll be worth a fortune.
240
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,291
You don't even believe in him!
241
00:13:02,292 --> 00:13:04,971
Look, this is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
242
00:13:04,972 --> 00:13:06,692
All I'll say is,
"Sorry to be a bore,
243
00:13:06,693 --> 00:13:08,211
"I bet you get this all the time,
244
00:13:08,212 --> 00:13:10,012
"but you're him off the Bible,
aren't you?"
245
00:13:11,292 --> 00:13:12,611
What's wrong with that?
246
00:13:12,612 --> 00:13:14,811
Ah, Rimmer, please, don't say that.
247
00:13:14,812 --> 00:13:16,651
Look, it'll be fine.
248
00:13:16,652 --> 00:13:19,212
We'll get talking, I'll tell him
my middle name's Judas.
249
00:13:20,812 --> 00:13:24,092
One thing could lead to another,
we could wind up big buds.
250
00:13:25,252 --> 00:13:27,052
Why is your middle name Judas?
251
00:13:28,212 --> 00:13:31,212
Judas embodied all the traits
my mum wanted me to have.
252
00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:34,571
Your mum wanted you to
be a two-faced,
253
00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:36,971
double-crossing, conniving snitch?
254
00:13:36,972 --> 00:13:39,291
She must have
been very proud of you.
255
00:13:39,292 --> 00:13:42,411
She was a member of
the Church of Judas.
256
00:13:42,412 --> 00:13:45,651
They believed that Jesus asked
Judas to swap places with him,
257
00:13:45,652 --> 00:13:48,011
so Judas was crucified,
and Jesus was able
258
00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:50,291
to show up the following
Monday and say,
259
00:13:50,292 --> 00:13:52,172
"I'm back, baby! I'm back!"
260
00:13:53,252 --> 00:13:55,291
And nobody noticed?
261
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,251
OK...
262
00:13:57,252 --> 00:14:01,091
Judas's full name was
James Judas Didymus.
263
00:14:01,092 --> 00:14:04,691
James means "twin",
Didymus means "twin".
264
00:14:04,692 --> 00:14:07,171
Judas was Jesus's twin bro.
265
00:14:07,172 --> 00:14:08,931
Jesus had a twin bro?!
266
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:10,932
According to the Church of Judas.
267
00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:14,211
So Judas sacrificed himself.
268
00:14:14,212 --> 00:14:15,691
And his reputation,
269
00:14:15,692 --> 00:14:19,051
and became someone who was sneered
at and reviled throughout history.
270
00:14:19,052 --> 00:14:20,652
Just like you!
271
00:14:23,452 --> 00:14:24,852
Your mum was really smart!
272
00:14:26,452 --> 00:14:28,451
So what happened to Jesus afterwards?
273
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:30,612
He went to the South of France
with Mary Magdalene,
274
00:14:30,613 --> 00:14:33,051
had a family and invented the
wheelbarrow.
275
00:14:33,052 --> 00:14:34,811
Here goes!
276
00:14:34,812 --> 00:14:36,451
Rimmer, sit down!
277
00:14:36,452 --> 00:14:37,891
Please, sit! Sit down!
278
00:14:37,892 --> 00:14:43,211
Brothers, brothers, I... fear
thou are impatient for thine food.
279
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:45,372
Please... join me.
280
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,479
We are all travellers.
281
00:14:50,545 --> 00:14:52,064
Share with me.
282
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:53,225
Wow!
283
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:56,265
What an honour!
284
00:14:57,425 --> 00:14:59,064
Incidentally, we know who you are.
285
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,704
Recognised the sandals.
286
00:15:01,705 --> 00:15:04,064
Um, I'm Rimmer.
287
00:15:04,065 --> 00:15:06,704
Um, you can call me Arn or Big Man.
288
00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:09,344
Um... talking of big...
289
00:15:09,345 --> 00:15:10,824
big, big fan of yours.
290
00:15:10,825 --> 00:15:12,505
Big, big fan.
291
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:17,944
Would the... gladiator
like to... join us too?
292
00:15:17,945 --> 00:15:20,624
I'd be most honoured, sir.
Although I am not a gladiator.
293
00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:22,224
I am a man of peace.
294
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,344
Oh!
295
00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,985
- Then thou shall sit next to me.
- Oh!
296
00:15:33,865 --> 00:15:35,185
Ah!
297
00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,504
Ah-ha-ha!
298
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:42,184
Look at all this food!
299
00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:43,905
A dish fit for a king!
300
00:15:46,505 --> 00:15:49,944
You are all from the land of Albion,
I think.
301
00:15:49,945 --> 00:15:53,385
I have visited Albion.
I walked across the River of Mersey.
302
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,224
All those old prams,
it's not hard, is it?
303
00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,784
There was a bridge.
304
00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,344
Oh, got you. I thought you meant...
305
00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:04,144
Ah! Mine uncle.
306
00:16:04,145 --> 00:16:07,704
When I was returning from the
men's room, I spied two soldiers.
307
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,624
Jesus...
they're on to us.
308
00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:12,704
Problem? Mine enemies are many.
309
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,064
I will slow their path.
310
00:16:15,065 --> 00:16:18,504
Take him from this place
and protect him, I beseech thee.
311
00:16:18,505 --> 00:16:22,744
You shall not pass while there's
a breath left in my body.
312
00:16:22,745 --> 00:16:25,584
For the love I have for my Lord
is like a sea without a shore,
313
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,464
like a sky without a...
314
00:16:27,465 --> 00:16:28,864
I wasn't ready!
315
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:30,865
I was still speeching!
316
00:16:32,385 --> 00:16:35,104
The only escape from our enemies
is to turn and love them.
317
00:16:35,105 --> 00:16:36,465
Or run. Running's good too.
318
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:38,145
Down there!
319
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:53,984
Look, this door isn't
going to hold for long.
320
00:16:53,985 --> 00:16:57,344
I must face them, forgive them
and teach them the gift of love.
321
00:16:57,345 --> 00:17:01,465
And in return, they'll saw off your
limbs and stack 'em in a small pile!
322
00:17:02,865 --> 00:17:04,264
What do we do?
323
00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:06,225
We need to build the lemon battery,
324
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,384
get back to Red Dwarf
and go from there.
325
00:17:08,385 --> 00:17:10,865
What, take JC with us?
Well, we can't leave him here, sir.
326
00:17:10,866 --> 00:17:15,704
No. Leave me. I must face my enemies
alone. I have no fear of death.
327
00:17:15,705 --> 00:17:18,024
Stick with me, kid -
you'll soon change.
328
00:17:18,025 --> 00:17:19,224
Ooh!
329
00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:23,064
Are you OK? I have
pain, but it will pass.
330
00:17:23,065 --> 00:17:27,184
No time to waste, Kryten.
Start wiring the lemons!
331
00:17:27,185 --> 00:17:28,705
We need wire. I'll use my finger.
332
00:17:30,385 --> 00:17:32,345
The gladiator removes his finger?!
333
00:17:33,505 --> 00:17:36,344
It's as if I've smoked some bark
from an acacia tree.
334
00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:38,265
Bad bark. Well bad bark.
335
00:17:39,705 --> 00:17:42,944
It's... Just relax.
We're just making a battery.
336
00:17:42,945 --> 00:17:45,264
It stores energy, sir.
337
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,544
Electromagnetic interactions
between subatomic particles.
338
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:51,904
Or, to simplify, the copper coin,
which is a ductile metal
339
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,984
with high thermal
and electrical conductivity,
340
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,504
serves as the positive electrode,
341
00:17:55,505 --> 00:17:57,024
and the galvanised nail
342
00:17:57,025 --> 00:18:00,144
is the electron-producing negative
electrode.
343
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:04,144
The zinc is oxidised and produces
an electrochemical reaction,
344
00:18:04,145 --> 00:18:07,545
which generates an electrical charge,
all from the lemon.
345
00:18:08,865 --> 00:18:11,384
Interesting. I-I have
but one question.
346
00:18:11,385 --> 00:18:13,304
Oh, fire away, sir.
347
00:18:13,305 --> 00:18:14,985
What's a lemon?
348
00:18:16,145 --> 00:18:17,584
Enjoy the moment.
349
00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:19,344
You're no longer the dumb one.
350
00:18:19,345 --> 00:18:20,944
Thanks, bud!
351
00:18:20,945 --> 00:18:22,824
The door's going.
352
00:18:22,825 --> 00:18:26,345
Quick, group together.
Tight circle! Let's go!
353
00:18:33,065 --> 00:18:35,465
Lemons truly are an amazing fruit!
354
00:18:36,585 --> 00:18:38,304
Man, am I glad to be back.
355
00:18:38,305 --> 00:18:40,225
At last I can get
a change of underwear.
356
00:18:40,226 --> 00:18:43,304
These suckers are riding so high,
they'd show up on X-rays.
357
00:18:43,305 --> 00:18:46,624
Suggest we clean up
and then return to 23 AD.
358
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:50,145
In the meantime, I'll have
a tinker with the rejuve shower.
359
00:18:55,065 --> 00:18:56,984
It is totally amazing.
360
00:18:56,985 --> 00:18:59,904
What are you showing him, the TV?
No. A bag.
361
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:06,264
You can store any object
into its strange cloth walls
362
00:19:06,265 --> 00:19:08,264
and then carry these objects any...
363
00:19:08,265 --> 00:19:09,984
I'm dizzied by its genius!
364
00:19:09,985 --> 00:19:12,904
Look! Look at the
things than I can...
365
00:19:12,905 --> 00:19:14,504
Ooh. Oooh!
366
00:19:14,505 --> 00:19:15,664
What?
367
00:19:15,665 --> 00:19:17,984
Ah. The demon returns.
368
00:19:17,985 --> 00:19:19,584
Demon? What demon?!
369
00:19:19,585 --> 00:19:22,344
The one that lurks within me
is re-awoken.
370
00:19:22,345 --> 00:19:24,625
Lister, have you given Jesus
a vindaloo?
371
00:19:25,785 --> 00:19:29,024
Course not. We had a jalfrezi.
372
00:19:29,025 --> 00:19:30,864
Where does it hurt, sir?
373
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,424
My back.
374
00:19:32,425 --> 00:19:33,944
And when did it start?
375
00:19:33,945 --> 00:19:38,025
14 nights ago.
It... it sleeps, it wakes.
376
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,265
Excuse me.
377
00:19:43,145 --> 00:19:46,624
Well, we'll need an X-ray to confirm,
but I think he's got a kidney stone.
378
00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:48,144
We may need to operate.
379
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,625
Is it life-threatening?
Depends who's operating.
380
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:55,464
14 days. Sounds like the
stone's too big to pass.
381
00:19:55,465 --> 00:19:59,104
His kidney could shrivel and die,
and complications could set in.
382
00:19:59,105 --> 00:20:03,504
We get him down the medilab, we fix
him up, we beam him back to AD 23.
383
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:06,224
What's the problem?
We can't trust the medicomputer, sir.
384
00:20:06,225 --> 00:20:09,424
Remember what happened when you went
for a mumps and rubella injection?
385
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,064
Yeah, I asked for a rube jab,
woke up with a boob job.
386
00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:16,064
Still not right up here.
So, we're going to have to do it.
387
00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:17,424
But we're not qualified.
388
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,144
I'm perfectly qualified, sir.
389
00:20:19,145 --> 00:20:21,664
After all, I've been operating
on Mr Lister for years.
390
00:20:21,665 --> 00:20:23,424
You what?!
391
00:20:23,425 --> 00:20:26,584
Well, not trusting the medicomputer,
sir, what choice do I have?
392
00:20:26,585 --> 00:20:29,624
What kind of operations?
It's all above board, sir.
393
00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:31,345
I asked Mr Rimmer for permission.
394
00:20:35,585 --> 00:20:38,264
Well, sir, you remember that stomach
pain you had a few months ago?
395
00:20:38,265 --> 00:20:41,944
Yeah. You remember the searing
agony you were in? Yeah.
396
00:20:41,945 --> 00:20:44,064
And remember how that
just sort of stopped?
397
00:20:44,065 --> 00:20:45,224
Yeah.
398
00:20:45,225 --> 00:20:49,424
Well, that's because I performed
a splenectomy on you, sir. A what?!
399
00:20:49,425 --> 00:20:50,905
I removed your spleen.
400
00:20:52,025 --> 00:20:54,144
My spleen? You removed my spleen?!
401
00:20:54,145 --> 00:20:56,224
Well, where is it?
I might need that.
402
00:20:56,225 --> 00:20:58,745
It's with the rest of your organs...
in the freezer.
403
00:21:00,585 --> 00:21:02,625
Next to my quarters. On B Deck.
404
00:21:13,425 --> 00:21:14,825
Excuse me.
405
00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:20,344
So, this operation -
what does it involve?
406
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:24,904
Well, we need to insert a laser
and a ureteroscope up his urethra,
407
00:21:24,905 --> 00:21:27,104
locate the stone and haul it out.
408
00:21:27,105 --> 00:21:29,984
Kryten, the only urethra
I know are Aretha Franklin.
409
00:21:29,985 --> 00:21:31,864
In English.
410
00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:33,264
Here's a hint.
411
00:21:33,265 --> 00:21:36,944
It's the last place any man
wants anyone inserting anything.
412
00:21:36,945 --> 00:21:38,344
You what?
413
00:21:38,345 --> 00:21:40,424
You're stuffing stuff
up his Schneiberhauser?
414
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:42,225
D'you know who
we're dealing with here?
415
00:21:42,226 --> 00:21:44,225
But, sir, it's a perfectly standard
operation.
416
00:21:44,226 --> 00:21:46,824
Yeah, that's cos you're not a member
of the Schneiberhauser club.
417
00:21:46,825 --> 00:21:49,024
But me, as self-appointed president
418
00:21:49,025 --> 00:21:51,824
of the Schneiberhauser
Owners' Society,
419
00:21:51,825 --> 00:21:54,984
let me tell you,
that is not a standard operation!
420
00:21:54,985 --> 00:21:58,704
Well, perhaps we should inform him
of what we intend to do.
421
00:21:58,705 --> 00:22:01,784
I think he might notice, don't you?
Well, what's the plan?
422
00:22:01,785 --> 00:22:04,864
I keep him talking over dinner
while you disappear under the table?
423
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:08,024
Best bet for a smooth operation -
he's out cold.
424
00:22:08,025 --> 00:22:10,384
I thought we'd run out of
anaesthetic.
425
00:22:10,385 --> 00:22:11,704
Who needs anaesthetic?
426
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:14,305
Just tell him what you're going
to do, he'll faint on the spot!
427
00:22:15,945 --> 00:22:18,105
Mr Lister, sir, could you hold this?
428
00:22:19,265 --> 00:22:22,225
I'm not holding it.
I barely know him.
429
00:22:24,145 --> 00:22:26,945
Well, someone's got to hold it
while I insert the camera.
430
00:22:28,225 --> 00:22:31,624
Don't look at me.
I'm done throwing up for today.
431
00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:33,704
Well, then, you'll have to do it,
sir.
432
00:22:33,705 --> 00:22:36,185
I don't want to be a holder.
Why can't I be a shover?
433
00:22:36,186 --> 00:22:38,904
You're not qualified to be a shover,
sir.
434
00:22:38,905 --> 00:22:41,184
I'll hold it.
435
00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:43,944
It'll be an absolute privilege
to hold it.
436
00:22:43,945 --> 00:22:47,744
You what? Pass the barbecue tongs.
437
00:22:47,745 --> 00:22:50,865
This is the high point
of my entire career.
438
00:22:57,185 --> 00:23:00,224
Well, we should let him rest, sirs.
He'll be raring to go in the morning.
439
00:23:00,225 --> 00:23:02,624
Your kindness is boundless.
440
00:23:02,625 --> 00:23:04,184
Need anything doing, just holler.
441
00:23:04,185 --> 00:23:07,224
Books on the table if you get
bored, computer games, feel free.
442
00:23:07,225 --> 00:23:09,265
Just the bag.
443
00:23:10,385 --> 00:23:11,785
Just the bag.
444
00:23:19,945 --> 00:23:21,905
Mr Jesus, sir, good morning!
445
00:23:24,345 --> 00:23:26,104
Mr Jesus?
446
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:30,305
Oh! He hath risen! Ha! Ooh!
447
00:23:32,265 --> 00:23:34,265
Oh.
448
00:23:35,905 --> 00:23:39,345
Oh, goodness!
449
00:23:52,545 --> 00:23:55,023
Well, who was the idiot
who let him read a history book?
450
00:23:55,024 --> 00:23:56,303
Look, I didn't think.
451
00:23:56,304 --> 00:23:58,185
Didn't it occur to you
that him reading about
452
00:23:58,186 --> 00:24:01,304
how many wars Christianity's caused
might mess him up a bit?
453
00:24:01,305 --> 00:24:02,624
So where is he now?
454
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:06,064
Well, according to the note,
he's gone back to 23 AD
455
00:24:06,065 --> 00:24:07,904
so he can trash his reputation
456
00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:13,144
so "this Christianity thingeth
never taketh offeth-eth-eth-eth".
457
00:24:13,145 --> 00:24:15,184
What, no Christianity?
458
00:24:15,185 --> 00:24:19,305
What about Christmas?
We've killed Wallace & Gromit!
459
00:24:21,185 --> 00:24:23,504
Trash his reputation?
How can he do that?
460
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:26,984
Breaking the Ten Commandments might
be a pretty good place to start.
461
00:24:26,985 --> 00:24:28,344
So wait a minute.
462
00:24:28,345 --> 00:24:31,024
He's gone back to 23 AD,
and we can't go and get him
463
00:24:31,025 --> 00:24:32,544
cos he's taken the remote?
464
00:24:32,545 --> 00:24:34,225
We do have a spare, sir.
465
00:24:37,745 --> 00:24:39,025
Erin, Erin, Erin!
466
00:24:39,026 --> 00:24:42,064
Jesus, my boy! Come, come...
I'm looking for my uncle.
467
00:24:42,065 --> 00:24:43,384
Hast thou seen him? No.
468
00:24:43,385 --> 00:24:48,304
If thou seest him, tell him...
that I will be in the tavern,
469
00:24:48,305 --> 00:24:50,504
drinking wine in great plenty
470
00:24:50,505 --> 00:24:53,424
until my legs do the dance
of a newly born camel.
471
00:24:53,425 --> 00:24:57,944
And then my mind will turn
to dark, vile thoughts,
472
00:24:57,945 --> 00:25:00,345
and I'll start coveting
my neighbour's oxen!
473
00:25:02,465 --> 00:25:04,704
That's breaking
the Tenth Commandment, that is.
474
00:25:04,705 --> 00:25:08,624
Oooh! And if there's time,
I might even covet his donkey.
475
00:25:08,625 --> 00:25:11,544
And when I've finished
coveting things,
476
00:25:11,545 --> 00:25:16,024
I might make a small statue out of
wood, and idolise it a bit.
477
00:25:16,025 --> 00:25:18,944
You'd better watch yourself.
God is a jealous god.
478
00:25:18,945 --> 00:25:21,624
You do that, and he won't
just get you, you know.
479
00:25:21,625 --> 00:25:26,064
According to the Second Commandment,
he'll wipe out all your descendants.
480
00:25:26,065 --> 00:25:28,544
Isn't that breaking
the Sixth Commandment?
481
00:25:28,545 --> 00:25:30,104
Thou shalt not kill?
482
00:25:30,105 --> 00:25:34,385
It's not killing. It's genocide.
I think that's OK.
483
00:25:38,345 --> 00:25:41,664
So... doesn't God break
the Tenth Commandment,
484
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:44,584
wishing people worshipped him
when they worship someone else?
485
00:25:44,585 --> 00:25:47,664
I mean, isn't that coveting the
followers of your neighbour's god?
486
00:25:47,665 --> 00:25:49,744
Don't you try and trip God up.
487
00:25:49,745 --> 00:25:52,144
Look, he wrote those
commandments in a rush.
488
00:25:52,145 --> 00:25:55,024
He didn't have time to get
them proofread.
489
00:25:55,025 --> 00:25:58,424
It's strange,
but these Ten Commandments
490
00:25:58,425 --> 00:26:00,544
seem to ignore the rights
491
00:26:00,545 --> 00:26:03,064
of women and children... Shhh!
..but are big on protecting
492
00:26:03,065 --> 00:26:05,144
the rights of oxen, slave,
and donkey-owners.
493
00:26:05,145 --> 00:26:06,904
Keep it down!
494
00:26:06,905 --> 00:26:11,064
I mean, it's almost as if
a man made up these commandments
495
00:26:11,065 --> 00:26:13,744
to keep a primitive people in check.
496
00:26:13,745 --> 00:26:15,385
There he is! Get him.
497
00:26:17,265 --> 00:26:18,464
Ooh!
498
00:26:18,465 --> 00:26:20,544
Jesus! Stop him!
499
00:26:20,545 --> 00:26:23,225
Stop that man! Jesus!
500
00:26:27,345 --> 00:26:30,664
You want to fight, then, doth thou?
No! Well, put 'em up, then.
501
00:26:30,665 --> 00:26:31,983
Let's see what you've got.
502
00:26:31,984 --> 00:26:34,585
Don't think just because I'm a man of
peace, I can't punch your teeth out.
503
00:26:34,586 --> 00:26:38,025
I'm not fighting you, Jesus.
It'd be like punching Gandhi.
504
00:26:45,865 --> 00:26:49,224
No, no. No, mind my hair!
You... you're messing with my hair!
505
00:26:49,225 --> 00:26:51,464
Look, don't do this.
506
00:26:51,465 --> 00:26:53,144
Why not?
507
00:26:53,145 --> 00:26:56,664
Look, so some stupid people
did some stupid things in your name.
508
00:26:56,665 --> 00:26:58,584
It's not your fault.
509
00:26:58,585 --> 00:27:00,224
You make a lot of people happy.
510
00:27:00,225 --> 00:27:01,664
I mean, look at me.
511
00:27:01,665 --> 00:27:05,824
I presumed that, throughout history,
all famous people were amazing.
512
00:27:05,825 --> 00:27:09,304
And then I met you...
and I realised they're not.
513
00:27:09,305 --> 00:27:11,305
In fact, you're a bit of a knob.
514
00:27:12,825 --> 00:27:14,384
Just like me.
515
00:27:14,385 --> 00:27:16,544
Which means that I'm OK.
516
00:27:16,545 --> 00:27:18,304
Yeah, I don't want to be me.
517
00:27:18,305 --> 00:27:20,423
I don't want to walk down the
street and have people say,
518
00:27:20,424 --> 00:27:22,305
"Oh, look, there's
the Jesus of Caesarea,
519
00:27:22,306 --> 00:27:23,825
"the guy who caused all the wars."
520
00:27:24,945 --> 00:27:26,664
Jesus of Caesarea?
521
00:27:26,665 --> 00:27:28,824
You mean Jesus of Nazareth.
522
00:27:28,825 --> 00:27:30,784
Jesus of Caesarea.
523
00:27:30,785 --> 00:27:33,945
Son of Rachel the fornicator,
Samuel the chicken-stealer.
524
00:27:35,025 --> 00:27:37,024
Samuel the chicken-stealer?
525
00:27:37,025 --> 00:27:39,224
He stole them, not me.
Take it up with him.
526
00:27:39,225 --> 00:27:41,944
I'm always having to leg it
because of him.
527
00:27:41,945 --> 00:27:44,424
Um, is Jesus quite
a popular name around here?
528
00:27:44,425 --> 00:27:45,665
Yeah, there's a few of us.
529
00:27:45,666 --> 00:27:47,784
There's Jesus,
son of John, with a funny nose.
530
00:27:47,785 --> 00:27:49,584
Jesus, son of Luke.
531
00:27:49,585 --> 00:27:51,745
He, er, wraps plant leaves
around the feet of horses.
532
00:27:51,746 --> 00:27:53,505
About 70 of us at the last census.
533
00:27:56,465 --> 00:27:58,305
Does this mean I'm not
the son of God?
534
00:27:59,865 --> 00:28:01,225
Oh, bugger!
535
00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:04,584
Count your blessings!
It's not been all bad.
536
00:28:04,585 --> 00:28:07,825
And how's that? You've had
a little trip to the future.
537
00:28:08,945 --> 00:28:11,585
Take what you've learned
and do something with it.
538
00:28:13,665 --> 00:28:16,744
Get your bags, genuine JC bags,
people!
539
00:28:16,745 --> 00:28:19,024
Come on. Get your bag.
540
00:28:19,025 --> 00:28:21,864
One bowl of goat curry,
then we're out of here.
541
00:28:21,865 --> 00:28:23,105
Hey, check this.
542
00:28:25,305 --> 00:28:27,584
I bid thee good day.
Hast thou booked?
543
00:28:27,585 --> 00:28:29,705
Jesus, table for two.
544
00:28:32,945 --> 00:28:35,024
My brother booked.
It may be in his name.
545
00:28:35,025 --> 00:28:36,704
And his name, sir?
546
00:28:36,705 --> 00:28:37,865
Judas.
547
00:28:40,865 --> 00:28:43,504
Here it is.
548
00:28:43,505 --> 00:28:44,864
Rimmer...
549
00:28:44,865 --> 00:28:46,185
Sit down!
550
00:28:49,305 --> 00:29:36,741
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551
00:29:36,791 --> 00:29:41,341
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