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1
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Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
2
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Giving all your love to just one man
3
00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:09,468
You'll have bad times
4
00:01:10,796 --> 00:01:14,630
And he'll have good times
5
00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:20,632
Doing things that you don't understand
6
00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:29,707
But if you love him, you'll forgive him...
7
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Post's arrived.
8
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Brilliant. A bit of excitement at last.
9
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See that? It's a beaut. Some of the structure's
collapsed on me bed. I think it was those beans.
10
00:01:47,876 --> 00:01:49,832
Oh, the mail.
11
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Haven't had a chance to look.
Anything from my mates?
12
00:01:58,116 --> 00:02:03,236
Don't think so. There's nothing in orange
crayon with half the letters backwards.
13
00:02:04,236 --> 00:02:06,192
- Anything for you?
- The usual.
14
00:02:06,356 --> 00:02:08,347
A couple of death threats.
15
00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:12,552
And I'm in the "Reader's Digest" lucky dip.
16
00:02:15,036 --> 00:02:19,234
Apparently, I'm one of the special few
selected for their lucky dip.
17
00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:22,755
That'll be you and 12 zillion people.
18
00:02:22,916 --> 00:02:26,909
I've won either a holiday in Mauritius,
a soft-top sportscar,
19
00:02:27,076 --> 00:02:29,636
or a fabulous matching set of egg cups.
20
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"Scrape with a coin to discover which."
21
00:02:35,996 --> 00:02:38,430
I've won the holiday!
22
00:02:38,596 --> 00:02:39,915
What?
23
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:43,989
Three million years into deep space
where I can't claim it,
24
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I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritius!
25
00:02:48,396 --> 00:02:51,229
- Oh, they're taking the smeg.
- What now?
26
00:02:51,396 --> 00:02:53,864
I've won the Lottery as well.
27
00:02:56,236 --> 00:02:57,908
"To collect your cheque,
28
00:02:58,076 --> 00:03:03,025
"bring your winning ticket to Lottery House,
24 Argyle Street." Four million!
29
00:03:03,196 --> 00:03:05,710
No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.
30
00:03:06,476 --> 00:03:09,388
It's a wind-up from the guards
to sap our morale.
31
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:11,387
- This is for you.
- Who from?
32
00:03:11,556 --> 00:03:12,875
Petersen.
33
00:03:14,316 --> 00:03:15,908
My God, that is tragic.
34
00:03:16,596 --> 00:03:18,314
Has he died?
35
00:03:18,476 --> 00:03:21,548
Died? Do you think he'd write and tell you?
36
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:25,830
You're right. I'm not thinking straight.
37
00:03:25,996 --> 00:03:28,988
He'd be too busy with his funeral, wouldn't he?
38
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:34,824
- What's happened to him?
- Something catastrophic. Hideous.
39
00:03:34,996 --> 00:03:39,945
He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage
and he's sending it here.
40
00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:42,107
Brilliant!
41
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:47,344
- Are you OK?
- Of course I'm not OK. I hate your guitar.
42
00:03:47,516 --> 00:03:50,588
If I wanted to live
with an irritating lump of wood,
43
00:03:50,756 --> 00:03:56,752
- I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.
- I didn't know you thought I was that bad.
44
00:03:56,916 --> 00:04:00,465
Didn't you get a clue
that time I tried to insert it in you?
45
00:04:02,716 --> 00:04:06,470
You'd have stood a better chance
if you'd used the neck end.
46
00:04:07,236 --> 00:04:11,707
Anyway, you were revising.
You always get uptight when you're revising.
47
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:15,505
Come on - what about the Om song?
That was a classic!
48
00:04:15,676 --> 00:04:17,553
Om!
49
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:20,230
Om!
50
00:04:20,396 --> 00:04:23,593
People who heard that formed self-help groups.
51
00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:27,271
Don't give me that.
They played me demo on hospital radio.
52
00:04:27,436 --> 00:04:31,270
Three patients came out of comas,
packed their bags and went home.
53
00:04:32,316 --> 00:04:35,194
Hey! The axe man is back!
54
00:04:35,356 --> 00:04:37,347
You beaut!
55
00:04:42,636 --> 00:04:45,787
Hang on. There's no strings.
56
00:04:45,956 --> 00:04:48,231
They've confiscated the strings!
57
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,312
I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane
with no parachute
58
00:04:56,476 --> 00:04:59,354
and lands in the hot tub at the Playboy mansi�n.
59
00:05:00,596 --> 00:05:02,791
Why take me strings? It makes no sense.
60
00:05:02,956 --> 00:05:07,711
- You could use them to hang yourself.
- I wouldn't wanna hang meself
61
00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:09,753
if I had me guitar strings.
62
00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:12,510
I think they were thinking of me.
63
00:05:13,916 --> 00:05:17,431
Maybe my luck's changing. At last a break.
64
00:05:18,396 --> 00:05:21,627
By the way, I forgot - for you.
65
00:05:24,956 --> 00:05:28,949
"Because of the nature of your crime,
blah-blah-blah-blah...
66
00:05:29,756 --> 00:05:31,951
"we are willing to review your case.
67
00:05:32,116 --> 00:05:36,792
"For this process to be successful,
you will need a record of good behaviour.
68
00:05:36,956 --> 00:05:42,189
"A successful appeal would mean similar
amnesty for colleagues in your situation."
69
00:05:42,356 --> 00:05:44,153
Yes!
70
00:05:49,756 --> 00:05:55,626
Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least
enjoyable suicide missi�n I've ever been on.
71
00:05:55,796 --> 00:06:01,268
Right in front of me was this weird mutant thing
with two heads and all these tentacles.
72
00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:04,428
It took one look at me and ran off.
73
00:06:05,516 --> 00:06:08,189
Why do you think it done that?
74
00:06:11,396 --> 00:06:15,947
You don't know what it's like being
classified as a woman. The humiliation!
75
00:06:16,116 --> 00:06:17,595
I know. I know.
76
00:06:17,756 --> 00:06:20,224
Why should I, a series 4000 mechanoid,
77
00:06:20,396 --> 00:06:26,107
have to endure the turgid monotony
of showering with the giris three times a week?
78
00:06:26,276 --> 00:06:30,394
- Tell me that!
- It's not fair, I know. It's just that...
79
00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:40,626
- You shower with the giris?
- It's so hideously dull, I can't describe it.
80
00:06:42,116 --> 00:06:44,630
They stand around soaping themselves.
81
00:06:46,396 --> 00:06:48,990
Their bodies all wet and foamy.
82
00:06:54,476 --> 00:06:56,592
Can you imagine it?
83
00:07:00,516 --> 00:07:03,667
Oh, my goodness.
We've been frozen in time again.
84
00:07:05,436 --> 00:07:07,028
Hello?
85
00:07:07,716 --> 00:07:12,392
Extraordinary. It must be a warp
in the time-space continuum.
86
00:07:12,556 --> 00:07:15,593
How curious it isn't affecting me.
87
00:07:15,756 --> 00:07:19,669
We're not frozen in time.
We were thinking about what you said.
88
00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:30,714
It's times like thisthat make me thankful I'm just a head.
89
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:35,589
Oi, toy boy. Next time you're in the showers,
90
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:40,068
why don't you smuggle in a camera
and film 'em? That'd be brilliant!
91
00:07:40,236 --> 00:07:42,625
I haven't seen a naked woman since...
92
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,787
Well, ever.
93
00:07:45,436 --> 00:07:46,755
I'd pay ya.
94
00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:50,113
- What do you say?
- No. I forbid it.
95
00:07:50,276 --> 00:07:52,028
Yeah, me... What?
96
00:07:54,036 --> 00:07:56,914
It's voyeuristic, exploitative and immature.
97
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,067
All right. Who are you?
98
00:07:59,236 --> 00:08:02,273
And what have you done with our Rimmer?
99
00:08:03,356 --> 00:08:05,267
Allow me to clarify my position.
100
00:08:05,436 --> 00:08:09,349
Morally speaking, using a hidden camera
in the women's showers,
101
00:08:09,516 --> 00:08:15,466
taking shots of them sudding themselves
with mounds of foam, without their permissi�n...
102
00:08:15,636 --> 00:08:19,231
Morally speaking -
I'm speaking morally here -
103
00:08:19,396 --> 00:08:22,274
I'm all in favour!
104
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:27,146
However, Listy has been invited to appeal
and a scam like this could ruin it.
105
00:08:27,316 --> 00:08:30,114
- Appeal?
- Yeah, I'm appealing.
106
00:08:31,396 --> 00:08:33,591
That's a minority view.
107
00:08:34,596 --> 00:08:39,033
Look, we can all be successful.
We've just got to be model prisoners.
108
00:08:39,196 --> 00:08:41,426
Screw his appeal. I wanna see skin!
109
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,985
Yeah! What do you say, bird-tray head?
110
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:47,307
Are you asking me
to betray the people I live with?
111
00:08:47,476 --> 00:08:52,231
To reduce them to mindless sex objects
for your moronic titillation?
112
00:08:52,396 --> 00:08:54,193
Yes, please!
113
00:08:55,436 --> 00:08:57,313
I forgot who I was for a moment.
114
00:08:57,476 --> 00:09:00,946
- What are you doing?
- I'm a woman and proud of it.
115
00:09:01,116 --> 00:09:04,711
I'll be with my fellow sisters,
doing it for ourselves.
116
00:09:14,876 --> 00:09:19,188
I'm going to make this quick and easy.
Last night, on D wing,
117
00:09:19,356 --> 00:09:21,790
I was beaten up and mugged.
118
00:09:26,636 --> 00:09:31,232
You have one chance. I'm turning
the lights off for precisely ten seconds.
119
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,034
I want whoever took it...
120
00:09:34,476 --> 00:09:36,910
...to return my glass eye.
121
00:09:42,476 --> 00:09:43,795
Kill the lights.
122
00:09:45,356 --> 00:09:47,665
Ten... nine... eight...
123
00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:50,589
...seven... six...
124
00:09:55,756 --> 00:09:59,590
I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.
125
00:10:06,036 --> 00:10:12,305
I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling
from Supplies on Saturday night.
126
00:10:12,476 --> 00:10:15,309
She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature.
127
00:10:15,476 --> 00:10:17,865
If I go like this, I'm only half lovely!
128
00:10:20,956 --> 00:10:26,394
If it's not returned within 30 seconds,
all Canary privileges suspended. One month.
129
00:10:27,636 --> 00:10:29,911
I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
130
00:10:30,076 --> 00:10:35,025
It was him, sir. I saw him playing marbles
with it this morning, sir.
131
00:10:37,996 --> 00:10:41,033
Thank you, Rimmer.
132
00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:51,669
Have you gone mad? You don't rat
on inmates. It's an unwritten law.
133
00:10:51,836 --> 00:10:55,909
Look, if it helps the appeal,
what else matters? Model prisoners.
134
00:11:08,596 --> 00:11:12,509
Would the sky really fall in
if people just tidied up a little?
135
00:11:38,476 --> 00:11:41,036
They're here! They've landed!
136
00:11:41,196 --> 00:11:43,710
- Who have?
- The invisible aliens.
137
00:11:43,876 --> 00:11:46,913
- Look! There's one.
- And there's another.
138
00:11:47,636 --> 00:11:49,592
Agh!
139
00:11:49,756 --> 00:11:54,068
From the people who brought you"Vampire Bikini Giris Suck Paris",
140
00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:56,750
comes another cinematic masterpiece.
141
00:12:01,636 --> 00:12:05,345
- Horrible special effects...
- Looks like another pearl!
142
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,155
Why do they show us these lousy B movies?
143
00:12:08,316 --> 00:12:12,355
To sap our morale.
Next week, it's the George Formby season.
144
00:12:12,516 --> 00:12:16,987
Get your hanging rope now
while there's still some left!
145
00:12:18,516 --> 00:12:19,915
Good evening.
146
00:12:20,076 --> 00:12:25,434
Tonight's scheduled feature has been replacedby a special live pay-per-view event
147
00:12:25,596 --> 00:12:28,588
brought to you courtesy of Krytie TV.
148
00:12:28,756 --> 00:12:33,227
Transmitted live by my optical receptors,we bring you live and live,
149
00:12:33,396 --> 00:12:35,466
women's shower night!
150
00:12:46,596 --> 00:12:51,033
Are they really gonna show this? No way!
This is a joke, right? This is a...
151
00:12:54,436 --> 00:12:59,635
- Oh, Mama!
- You know what this means, don't you?
152
00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:01,787
There is a god?
153
00:13:02,396 --> 00:13:05,035
They got to him. They reprogrammed Kryten.
154
00:13:08,636 --> 00:13:12,629
- If we get caught, your appeal's dead.
- Forget the appeal.
155
00:13:12,796 --> 00:13:17,551
- I already have!
- Kris won't believe I wasn't involved in this.
156
00:13:17,716 --> 00:13:19,035
We've got to stop it.
157
00:13:19,196 --> 00:13:22,233
- You're right. I want no part of this.
- Me neither.
158
00:13:22,396 --> 00:13:24,387
- We've gotta go.
- Right now.
159
00:13:24,556 --> 00:13:26,626
- Not a minute to lose.
- I'm dust.
160
00:13:26,796 --> 00:13:29,549
Me, too. After two.
161
00:13:29,716 --> 00:13:32,355
One... two... Go!
162
00:13:41,236 --> 00:13:45,354
And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.
163
00:13:46,676 --> 00:13:48,314
What's he doing that for?
164
00:13:48,476 --> 00:13:52,355
Remember - shower nightis a pay-per-view event.
165
00:13:53,516 --> 00:13:56,155
Start filling those buckets!
166
00:14:02,996 --> 00:14:08,309
I can't believe this. He's running it like
a business. There's a bloke selling ice creams.
167
00:14:08,476 --> 00:14:10,034
Never mind him. Now!
168
00:14:10,196 --> 00:14:12,949
- We've gotta go right now.
- I'm going.
169
00:14:13,116 --> 00:14:19,749
Now, let's get up close and personal withone of the showerees, Miss Kristine Kochanski.
170
00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:26,226
Fancy a choc ice?
171
00:14:36,716 --> 00:14:38,991
OK. Splendid.
172
00:14:39,156 --> 00:14:42,671
- Later.
- Mr Kryten. Visitor, sir.
173
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:52,716
Kryten, I know Kill Crazy's reprogrammed you -
turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur -
174
00:14:52,876 --> 00:14:55,231
but I may know how to change you back.
175
00:14:55,396 --> 00:14:57,705
Well, keep it to yourself, sir.
176
00:14:57,876 --> 00:15:00,436
I'll make it worth your while.
177
00:15:02,196 --> 00:15:03,948
Look what it's done to you!
178
00:15:04,116 --> 00:15:08,667
It's made me rich, feared and respected.
I'm loving every minute of it.
179
00:15:08,836 --> 00:15:13,466
I've bought the rights to the soccer tournament.
I hope to get the boxing.
180
00:15:13,636 --> 00:15:17,868
- Ah, Miss Kochanski! I've a little gift for you.
- Ooh, another one?
181
00:15:18,036 --> 00:15:24,032
Nothing's too good for you! You know you were
worried about picking up verrucas in the shower?
182
00:15:24,196 --> 00:15:26,107
I've got the perfect solution -
183
00:15:26,276 --> 00:15:28,392
a waterproof pogo stick.
184
00:15:31,716 --> 00:15:33,035
This has got to stop.
185
00:15:33,196 --> 00:15:37,109
But the pogo stick will put the ratings
through the roof, sir!
186
00:15:37,276 --> 00:15:40,109
Think of the money! Think of the show!
187
00:15:45,516 --> 00:15:48,667
I'm crazy about her.
I'm not gonna let you do this.
188
00:15:48,836 --> 00:15:50,394
Do what?
189
00:15:50,556 --> 00:15:53,150
How do you think Kryten got all this?
190
00:15:55,556 --> 00:16:00,471
"Shower Night Live." Oh, God,
is he paying some of the giris to do this?
191
00:16:01,316 --> 00:16:03,147
Who's that with the sponge?
192
00:16:05,276 --> 00:16:07,267
That's me!
193
00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:09,950
It replaced the Wednesday night movie.
194
00:16:10,116 --> 00:16:13,552
I saw the whole thing -
all three terrible hours of it.
195
00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:16,628
- It was awful.
- Is that the time?
196
00:16:16,796 --> 00:16:20,471
I've got a merchandising meeting
in two minutes. Excuse me.
197
00:16:20,636 --> 00:16:23,708
You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! And you...
198
00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:25,548
What have I done?
199
00:16:25,716 --> 00:16:27,866
You were there for three hours of it.
200
00:16:28,036 --> 00:16:30,470
Well, I didn't enjoy it. I was outraged.
201
00:16:30,636 --> 00:16:35,391
- Why do you think I only had one choc ice?
- How could you go along with this?
202
00:16:35,556 --> 00:16:38,753
I'm only human. You were completely naked.
203
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:41,111
Starkers. Nude.
204
00:16:41,276 --> 00:16:43,585
In the buff. Totally kitless.
205
00:16:43,756 --> 00:16:45,508
You had no clothes on.
206
00:16:45,676 --> 00:16:48,144
You've seen me naked - when we went out.
207
00:16:48,316 --> 00:16:51,433
Yeah, but I wanted to see
if anything had changed.
208
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:56,151
Why didn't you just ask
instead of filming me in secret?
209
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,865
- You'd have said no.
- Not necessarily.
210
00:17:00,036 --> 00:17:05,668
If I'd known that you needed to see me naked
so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said no.
211
00:17:07,956 --> 00:17:11,790
- You wouldn't?
- No. We're friends, aren't we?
212
00:17:13,236 --> 00:17:16,034
It never occurred to me that I could just ask.
213
00:17:16,196 --> 00:17:19,871
You're such a great friend.
I love being your friend.
214
00:17:22,116 --> 00:17:24,346
- Kris...
- No! Not now.
215
00:17:24,516 --> 00:17:26,825
Not ever.
216
00:17:26,996 --> 00:17:30,671
- But you just said...
- We're not friends any more.
217
00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:44,228
Appeal applications. Character testimonials!
218
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:47,786
- What's this?
- Kris found out about the shower thing.
219
00:17:47,956 --> 00:17:52,029
- She went ballistic. It's a present to say sorry.
- A bag of flour?
220
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,585
No, two bags.
221
00:17:56,876 --> 00:18:02,269
I'm in the Tank, in the middle of deep space.
I can't just get on the blower to Interflora.
222
00:18:02,436 --> 00:18:04,427
Flour. Flours.
223
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:13,790
- It's the closest I could get.
- You romantic fool.
224
00:18:13,956 --> 00:18:18,507
It was hard to get this. I nicked it
from the bakery. She'll appreciate that.
225
00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:21,748
I can just see her reading the card, "Dear Kris,
226
00:18:21,916 --> 00:18:27,468
"I'm really sorry for ogling you and the giris
in the shower for three hours of steamy fun.
227
00:18:29,796 --> 00:18:35,507
"To make up for it, and to indicate how truly
sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising.
228
00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:43,990
"Something I didn't need any help with
yesterday."
229
00:18:45,756 --> 00:18:50,876
It's easy for you. You're not in love.
It's debilitating being nuts about someone.
230
00:18:51,036 --> 00:18:53,948
You lose 20 IQ points
every time you talk to them.
231
00:18:54,116 --> 00:18:57,711
You must be nuts about a fair few people, then!
232
00:19:02,716 --> 00:19:08,109
The giris found out about "Shower Night".
They cleaned out my system and kicked me out.
233
00:19:08,276 --> 00:19:11,154
I've been reclassified as a man.
234
00:19:14,756 --> 00:19:18,066
I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.
235
00:19:18,236 --> 00:19:20,989
It's not your fault, Kryten. They got to you.
236
00:19:21,716 --> 00:19:25,072
- Do you know the news about Miss Kochanski?
- What news?
237
00:19:25,236 --> 00:19:27,306
- You haven't heard?
- Heard what?
238
00:19:27,476 --> 00:19:30,946
- The news. You haven't heard the news?
- What news?
239
00:19:31,116 --> 00:19:33,311
- No one's told you?
- Told me what?
240
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:36,036
- About Miss Kochanski.
- What about her?
241
00:19:36,196 --> 00:19:40,189
- About her and her ex-boyfriend Tim.
- What about her and Tim?
242
00:19:40,356 --> 00:19:43,234
- I can't believe you don't know.
- What?!
243
00:19:43,396 --> 00:19:45,114
- No one told you?
- What?!
244
00:19:45,276 --> 00:19:50,270
You mean you're blissfully unaware
of the news about Miss Kochanski and Tim?
245
00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:53,234
- What news about them?
- I don't believe it!
246
00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:55,466
Believe what?!
247
00:19:55,636 --> 00:20:00,585
I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts
to tell you the horrible, terrible,
248
00:20:00,756 --> 00:20:03,065
appallingly hideous, awful news.
249
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:06,114
I'm not sure I can even speak now. Heurgh!
250
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:09,905
There's a 200-foot drop down there.
Now tell me the news.
251
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:16,106
Tim's taking her to the officer's club tonight.
Probation permits it provided she's back by 10.
252
00:20:16,276 --> 00:20:19,427
Oh! This is all down
to that shower thing, isn't it?
253
00:20:19,596 --> 00:20:25,671
Well, you know what Tim's like - impossibly
handsome, oozes charm, a great lover,
254
00:20:25,836 --> 00:20:28,634
and you're just... you.
255
00:20:30,236 --> 00:20:32,113
It's so unfair!
256
00:20:33,956 --> 00:20:35,947
You must feel awful.
257
00:20:36,116 --> 00:20:38,914
I do now. God!
258
00:20:39,076 --> 00:20:43,945
- You're taking this very well. I'm impressed.
- No, I'm not. I'm falling apart.
259
00:20:44,116 --> 00:20:46,949
I know that. I was trying to cheer you up.
260
00:20:54,036 --> 00:20:58,075
- What can I do?
- You've gotta deal with your grief, man.
261
00:20:58,236 --> 00:21:01,114
A break-up is very much like a bereavement.
262
00:21:01,276 --> 00:21:05,428
It's usually followed by a cremationand some sandwiches.
263
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,706
You don't know what you're on about!
264
00:21:08,876 --> 00:21:12,152
Mark my words, time is a great healer,
265
00:21:12,316 --> 00:21:16,309
unless you've got a rash,in which case use ointment.
266
00:21:17,396 --> 00:21:22,470
Look, they're only going out for a meal.
What's the worst thing that could happen?
267
00:21:23,956 --> 00:21:25,947
How's this, Listy?
268
00:21:26,836 --> 00:21:31,148
A little wine and laughter,
then back to his place for coffee and chess.
269
00:21:31,316 --> 00:21:34,831
Before you know it, she's sandwiched
between two bishops,
270
00:21:34,996 --> 00:21:38,227
and the queen's exposed
to an attack from the rear.
271
00:21:41,516 --> 00:21:42,835
It's a tragedy!
272
00:21:42,996 --> 00:21:46,750
What are you so bothered about?
You hated the idea of me and her.
273
00:21:46,916 --> 00:21:50,670
That was the old me, sir.
I've grown and matured since then.
274
00:21:50,836 --> 00:21:55,546
The new me wants you to have children
so I can iron those itty-bitty socks.
275
00:21:55,716 --> 00:22:00,267
You're not getting any younger, sir,
and neither are your sperms.
276
00:22:00,436 --> 00:22:02,870
I'm getting worried about those guys.
277
00:22:03,036 --> 00:22:08,030
Any older, and they'll need a Stanner stairlift
to get up the fallopian tubes!
278
00:22:10,396 --> 00:22:13,433
- So what do you propose?
- We nail that horny stag.
279
00:22:13,596 --> 00:22:19,148
- We get you and the divine Miss K together.
- Do nothing that's gonna endanger the appeal.
280
00:22:19,316 --> 00:22:21,307
First, we sabotage the date.
281
00:22:21,476 --> 00:22:26,345
- We? You mean you wanna help me?
- Step onboard the Love Express, sir!
282
00:22:28,036 --> 00:22:32,109
We get to his quarters
through the air-vents. I paid off the guards.
283
00:22:32,276 --> 00:22:38,385
Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob
in the universe. You leave this in his quarters.
284
00:22:38,556 --> 00:22:42,674
A half-eaten onion sandwich.
That's always a passi�n-killer.
285
00:22:44,036 --> 00:22:46,504
Is it? I like those.
286
00:22:46,676 --> 00:22:50,032
Then there's this. "Morris Dancer Monthly".
287
00:22:52,036 --> 00:22:55,824
What a total dweeber-nerd maestro
he'll look with those!
288
00:22:55,996 --> 00:22:58,510
They're mine.
289
00:23:01,396 --> 00:23:05,753
Then there's these.
Tragically unfashionable underpants.
290
00:23:06,756 --> 00:23:08,826
They're mine.
291
00:23:09,436 --> 00:23:12,155
And finally, Christian rock music.
292
00:23:12,316 --> 00:23:15,353
If that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
293
00:23:15,516 --> 00:23:17,950
Have you been going through my things?
294
00:23:19,116 --> 00:23:20,674
And not forgetting...
295
00:23:22,596 --> 00:23:25,588
- A pair of scissors?
- The piece de resistance.
296
00:23:44,676 --> 00:23:47,793
Frank Assisi and the Apostles. "Hymns in Rock".
297
00:23:51,636 --> 00:23:54,594
Kum ba yah, my Lord!
298
00:24:00,436 --> 00:24:03,075
Digestive biscuit.
299
00:24:43,396 --> 00:24:46,308
Lo, the assassin! Boom, boom, boom!
300
00:24:58,916 --> 00:25:02,989
What Mr Lister doesn't knowis he's been set up by Krytie TV.
301
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:08,832
Ssh. Here he comes now.
302
00:25:10,556 --> 00:25:11,909
Mr Lister...
303
00:25:12,076 --> 00:25:14,795
- Kryten, is that you?
- You trashed that room.
304
00:25:14,956 --> 00:25:18,915
- You thought Miss Kochanski was dating Tim.
- You mean she isn't?
305
00:25:19,076 --> 00:25:21,636
Look whose quarters you really trashed!
306
00:25:28,236 --> 00:25:31,353
You said the giris had restored youback to normal.
307
00:25:31,516 --> 00:25:33,825
Whoops! You've been Krytied!
308
00:25:34,996 --> 00:25:39,467
- I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!
- The appeal!
309
00:25:40,756 --> 00:25:43,987
The surprises haven't finished yet on Krytie TV,
310
00:25:44,156 --> 00:25:48,115
because Mr Ackerman and his red-hot dateare due back any second.
311
00:25:48,276 --> 00:25:51,427
It's a race against time!Start cleaning that room!
312
00:25:56,236 --> 00:25:59,592
Sorry to keep droning on about this,
but what about...
313
00:25:59,756 --> 00:26:03,351
- ... the appeal?!
- Smeg!
314
00:26:11,276 --> 00:26:13,028
Smeg!
315
00:26:42,996 --> 00:26:44,315
Agh!
316
00:27:00,116 --> 00:27:03,074
Thanks for watching, folks. See ya next time!
317
00:27:03,236 --> 00:27:05,955
- There he is.
- Kryten, come here a minute.
318
00:27:06,116 --> 00:27:10,348
- I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir.
- Get him!
319
00:27:10,516 --> 00:27:14,350
It was nothing personal!
320
00:27:20,436 --> 00:27:22,427
The appeal.
321
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:27,225
Oooh...
322
00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:29,751
Yes!
323
00:27:30,876 --> 00:27:33,868
"Dear Mr Lister,
your appeal has been successful.
324
00:27:34,036 --> 00:27:37,472
"All inmates with no records
of violence or depressi�n
325
00:27:37,636 --> 00:27:41,345
"will be allowed to have... strings
on their guitars."
326
00:27:48,356 --> 00:27:50,995
This appeal was all about guitar strings?
327
00:27:51,156 --> 00:27:55,195
You didn't think it was
about getting out of here, did ya?
328
00:27:55,356 --> 00:28:00,476
You mean I've been busting my balls
so you can have strings on your stinking guitar?!
329
00:28:00,636 --> 00:28:02,627
You've been a brick, man.
330
00:28:02,796 --> 00:28:04,946
And as a personal thank you...
331
00:28:05,956 --> 00:28:08,516
...I thought I'd write you a song.
332
00:28:14,196 --> 00:28:17,905
It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
333
00:28:18,076 --> 00:28:21,227
I'm all alone, more or less
334
00:28:21,396 --> 00:28:24,433
Let me fly far away from here
335
00:28:24,596 --> 00:28:27,349
Fun, fun, fun
336
00:28:27,516 --> 00:28:30,906
In the sun, sun, sun
337
00:28:31,076 --> 00:28:34,785
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
338
00:28:34,956 --> 00:28:37,834
Drinking fresh mango juice
339
00:28:37,996 --> 00:28:41,306
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
340
00:28:41,476 --> 00:28:44,149
Fun, fun, fun
341
00:28:44,316 --> 00:28:47,911
In the sun, sun, sun
342
00:28:48,076 --> 00:28:50,874
Fun, fun, fun
343
00:28:51,036 --> 00:28:55,029
In the sun, sun, sun
344
00:28:55,079 --> 00:28:59,629
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