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1
00:00:04,851 --> 00:00:08,014
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:47,728 --> 00:00:50,856
Remember Argyle Somerfield,
the old movie star?
3
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83, according to this.
He's just had a baby with his nurse.
4
00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:59,736
"It was love at first sight," she cooed.
"I've always liked older men."
5
00:00:59,906 --> 00:01:03,398
If she ever met Tutankhamen,
he wouldn't stand a chance.
6
00:01:04,444 --> 00:01:08,881
She'd have his bandages off
before he could say "Silicone implants"!
7
00:01:09,049 --> 00:01:12,246
There's a picture of 'em with their newborn.
8
00:01:12,419 --> 00:01:15,752
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
9
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No, THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.
10
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I was thrown by the bib and the bonnet.
11
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,361
I thought it was the baby at first.
12
00:01:37,811 --> 00:01:40,939
An 83-year-old dad?!
13
00:01:41,948 --> 00:01:43,939
How's that gonna work?
14
00:01:44,718 --> 00:01:48,176
I bet he won't get up in the night
to give the baby its feed.
15
00:01:48,355 --> 00:01:50,585
He'll probably pretend to be dead.
16
00:01:53,794 --> 00:01:56,262
"Darling, can you feed the baby tonight?"
17
00:02:01,902 --> 00:02:03,893
It's not gonna work, is it?
18
00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:06,504
The only advantage, as far as I can see,
19
00:02:06,673 --> 00:02:11,076
is the wife can change both their nappies
at the same time!
20
00:02:17,717 --> 00:02:22,552
Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, you know.
21
00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:28,626
I've a good mind to fill your shoes
with runny porridge again.
22
00:02:28,795 --> 00:02:31,457
That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.
23
00:02:35,101 --> 00:02:39,731
All right. I bet I can make you say something
in the next minute.
24
00:02:41,675 --> 00:02:43,040
20 big ones.
25
00:02:43,810 --> 00:02:45,141
Shake on it.
26
00:02:48,315 --> 00:02:51,148
All right. If I'm on, say nothing.
27
00:02:52,886 --> 00:02:54,251
I'm on!
28
00:02:54,421 --> 00:02:55,820
OK.
29
00:02:55,989 --> 00:03:01,950
I'm going to say something and you're going
to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?
30
00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:10,259
All right. Several years ago, when money was
not abundant, and I medically needed a pint...
31
00:03:12,072 --> 00:03:14,131
I took some money from your purse.
32
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(GROANING)
33
00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:18,607
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
34
00:03:18,778 --> 00:03:21,110
God, it was horrible going in there.
35
00:03:21,281 --> 00:03:23,977
The wallet that time forgot!
36
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Not that there was any point.
They wouldn't serve me.
37
00:03:27,721 --> 00:03:30,713
Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.
38
00:03:30,891 --> 00:03:34,327
You should have handed them in
after the Spanish Armada!
39
00:03:38,265 --> 00:03:42,224
I thought I'd get you going.
You hate digs about your stinginess.
40
00:03:42,402 --> 00:03:48,272
It usually makes you so agitated that you make
a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!
41
00:03:53,046 --> 00:03:56,675
Well, still... Plenty of time to go.
42
00:03:57,717 --> 00:03:59,685
(LAUGHS)
43
00:04:02,188 --> 00:04:04,622
Remember Yvonne McGruder?
44
00:04:05,859 --> 00:04:08,555
You really liked her, didn't you?
45
00:04:08,728 --> 00:04:13,722
I used to go out with her - before you did.
You didn't know that, did you?
46
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:18,269
Broke up in the end. Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.
47
00:04:19,239 --> 00:04:22,504
They never heal, carpet burns, do they?
48
00:04:25,145 --> 00:04:28,410
Both cheeks, man!
49
00:04:28,582 --> 00:04:31,551
She nearly wore them down to the bone!
50
00:04:32,886 --> 00:04:36,117
(SCREECHES)
51
00:04:36,289 --> 00:04:37,722
Will you shut up?!
52
00:04:37,891 --> 00:04:39,859
What did I tell ya?
53
00:04:40,026 --> 00:04:41,823
20 big ones.
54
00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:45,897
I've listened to you wittling on
for what seems like two ice ages.
55
00:04:46,066 --> 00:04:47,897
My mind is so numb and drained,
56
00:04:48,068 --> 00:04:52,698
I feel like I've attended a three-day seminar
on the future of plumbing.
57
00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:55,735
Do you know how irritating you are?
58
00:04:55,909 --> 00:05:00,608
You're a master. There are things
you could teach to tropical skin diseases.
59
00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:03,146
- Talk to me, then.
- No!
60
00:05:03,316 --> 00:05:06,308
I'm sorry! How many times
do you want me to say it?
61
00:05:06,486 --> 00:05:08,750
- I am sorry!
- No, you're not.
62
00:05:08,922 --> 00:05:12,414
- It was an accident.
- You poured a whole tube of it over me,
63
00:05:12,592 --> 00:05:17,029
you disgusting, rotting, fetid
piece of congealed monkey vomit!
64
00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:21,423
At last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.
65
00:05:24,104 --> 00:05:25,799
83!
66
00:05:41,287 --> 00:05:43,915
(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.
67
00:05:45,725 --> 00:05:49,661
Er... guys, we got a problem!
68
00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:55,634
- Guys, look at me body.
- There's an invitation
69
00:05:55,835 --> 00:05:57,735
that will not cause a stampede!
70
00:05:57,904 --> 00:06:00,702
- It's back to normal.
- No time for that now.
71
00:06:00,874 --> 00:06:07,370
We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf,
and Starbug appears to be expanding!
72
00:06:07,547 --> 00:06:10,209
It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking.
73
00:06:10,383 --> 00:06:14,080
It's to do with the nanobot molecular process,
like my body.
74
00:06:16,122 --> 00:06:19,148
We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.
75
00:06:23,063 --> 00:06:27,591
- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in.
- We must be bold, positive, decisive.
76
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:31,498
- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert.
- Forget red.
77
00:06:31,671 --> 00:06:34,731
Let's go all the way up to brown alert!
78
00:06:36,509 --> 00:06:38,773
There's no such thing as brown alert.
79
00:06:38,945 --> 00:06:41,277
You won't be saying that in a minute!
80
00:06:42,382 --> 00:06:44,680
And don't say I didn't alert you.
81
00:06:45,418 --> 00:06:49,821
All right, dudes. Anyone fancya game of charades using just your nose,
82
00:06:49,989 --> 00:06:53,891
- or is this a bad time?
- We're about to get crushed to death!
83
00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:56,051
So that's a no, then?
84
00:06:56,229 --> 00:06:58,129
Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,
85
00:06:58,298 --> 00:07:03,133
- I thought things would get back to normal.
- We haven't a clue what's happening.
86
00:07:03,303 --> 00:07:05,134
Things ARE back to normal.
87
00:07:05,305 --> 00:07:07,500
You don't even fancy a quick one?
88
00:07:09,242 --> 00:07:14,373
Science-fiction film,name of the ship, one word.
89
00:07:14,547 --> 00:07:18,313
(HUMS THROUGH HIS NOSE)
90
00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:23,312
The Nostrilomo.
91
00:07:24,791 --> 00:07:27,157
Spent a week thinking that one up.
92
00:07:27,327 --> 00:07:28,624
Good, innit?
93
00:07:28,795 --> 00:07:33,061
- Computing time to impact. Calculations here.
- How long have we got?
94
00:07:33,233 --> 00:07:36,669
- About the time it takes to read a Stop sign.
- That's OK.
95
00:07:36,836 --> 00:07:39,737
I don't always get through those in one sitting.
96
00:07:40,507 --> 00:07:43,135
- What are our chances?
- About the same odds
97
00:07:43,309 --> 00:07:48,212
as discovering Mr. Lister saddle-stitching
the hem of linen maternity slacks.
98
00:07:48,381 --> 00:07:52,715
It's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster?
99
00:07:52,886 --> 00:07:58,256
- We'll get crushed by a gigantic trouser press!
- Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free.
100
00:07:59,359 --> 00:08:03,796
- I always prayed I'd go out like that.
- There may be a way through this.
101
00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:06,591
Go past Epsilon 14, right at the hydro unit.
102
00:08:06,766 --> 00:08:08,666
- Saves two minutes.
- Well, sir?
103
00:08:08,835 --> 00:08:14,364
I don't understand a woman who's hurtling
towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.
104
00:08:14,541 --> 00:08:18,500
- But as a navigator, there's none finer!
- What's your view, Hol?
105
00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:22,136
Straight up your nosewhen you lean in like that.
106
00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:23,942
Epsilon 14.
107
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:29,653
There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.
108
00:08:29,823 --> 00:08:34,760
- It's beating at an incredible rate.
- There's a heart out there with no body?
109
00:08:34,928 --> 00:08:36,862
No wonder it's beating so fast!
110
00:08:49,676 --> 00:08:52,645
(THROBBING HEARTBEAT)
111
00:09:03,556 --> 00:09:05,956
Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.
112
00:09:06,125 --> 00:09:08,992
They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.
113
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:29,171
We've lost all engines.
114
00:09:30,683 --> 00:09:35,211
Didn't I read somewhere
that can seriously affect your ability to fly?
115
00:09:39,592 --> 00:09:42,561
Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.
116
00:09:42,729 --> 00:09:46,790
I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have
to have sandwiches for lunch.
117
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:49,098
(ALL) Oh...
118
00:10:08,922 --> 00:10:10,890
(COUGHING)
119
00:10:36,115 --> 00:10:38,709
- Dave?
- Selby...
120
00:10:38,885 --> 00:10:41,217
Chen... Is it really you?
121
00:10:42,088 --> 00:10:44,352
Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.
122
00:10:45,558 --> 00:10:48,857
- Think it's us.
- Guys, this is brilliant.
123
00:10:49,028 --> 00:10:52,623
- I can't believe it!
- You know these people, sir?
124
00:10:52,799 --> 00:10:56,030
Know them? When they've been drunk
and unconscious,
125
00:10:56,202 --> 00:10:59,433
I've undressed them
and painted parts of them green.
126
00:10:59,605 --> 00:11:01,766
This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!
127
00:11:01,941 --> 00:11:05,206
- How?
- The nanos resurrected them with the ship.
128
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:09,280
This is Chen. He works in the kitchen.
He's always drunk.
129
00:11:09,449 --> 00:11:13,408
And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too.
Where's Petersen?
130
00:11:13,586 --> 00:11:14,917
He couldn't make it.
131
00:11:15,088 --> 00:11:17,147
He's drunk!
132
00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:22,090
The crew are all alive. Great news.
Wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.
133
00:11:22,261 --> 00:11:25,094
All that extra ironing - bliss!
134
00:11:28,434 --> 00:11:31,460
Mr. Thornton, read them their rights.
135
00:11:32,505 --> 00:11:37,272
David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug,
136
00:11:37,443 --> 00:11:43,211
having no pilot's licence, and smuggling
two stowaways onboard with Officer Kochanski.
137
00:11:43,383 --> 00:11:48,320
Anything you say or do not say now may be
used by the board of inquiry against you.
138
00:11:48,488 --> 00:11:50,718
Do you require any form of aid?
139
00:11:50,890 --> 00:11:54,348
Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.
140
00:11:54,527 --> 00:11:56,620
Left, right, left, right...
141
00:11:56,796 --> 00:12:00,926
- Relax. You'll burst a blood vessel.
- Shut up! Do you understand?!
142
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,000
- Do you understand?!
- Yes.
143
00:12:03,169 --> 00:12:04,466
Yes, what?
144
00:12:04,637 --> 00:12:08,835
- Yes, Mr. Shouty.
- Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...
145
00:12:09,842 --> 00:12:11,901
...left, right. Halt!
146
00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:14,069
Left arm.
147
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:18,274
At ease.
148
00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:25,757
(HOLLY) All right, dude?
149
00:12:25,925 --> 00:12:31,420
They don't know about you yet. It might be
an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.
150
00:12:31,597 --> 00:12:34,464
If the board finds us guilty, what happens then?
151
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:39,367
They'll probably have a pot of tea,a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.
152
00:12:39,539 --> 00:12:42,099
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!
153
00:12:42,275 --> 00:12:45,335
If you lose, you'll get two years in the brig.
154
00:12:45,511 --> 00:12:47,502
- What brig?
- The brig on floor 13.
155
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,706
- There isn't a floor 13.
- It was classified.
156
00:12:50,883 --> 00:12:52,646
A need-to-know-only basis.
157
00:12:52,819 --> 00:12:54,844
- So who knew?
- All the officers,
158
00:12:55,021 --> 00:12:58,616
and anyone who's ever seen"The Twilight Zone".
159
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:00,782
What's it like, this brig?
160
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,693
If I was an estate agent, I'd describe itas an old-style penal establishment,
161
00:13:05,865 --> 00:13:08,265
abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms
162
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:10,959
all with en suite buckets.
163
00:13:11,804 --> 00:13:13,465
Smegging 'ell!
164
00:13:13,639 --> 00:13:15,630
They call it the Tank.
165
00:13:15,808 --> 00:13:20,404
There was an inmate population of 400all being transported to Adelphi 12.
166
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:26,314
- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too.
- What are they like? No, don't tell me.
167
00:13:26,486 --> 00:13:32,721
They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes, breath like
old nappies, arms like toilet walls, aren't they?
168
00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:36,653
Well, the nice ones are, yeah.
169
00:13:36,829 --> 00:13:41,163
Hang on. I've got one of them on filesomewhere. Here we go.
170
00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:44,533
I'm Nigel.
171
00:13:44,704 --> 00:13:46,228
I'm nice.
172
00:13:48,307 --> 00:13:51,765
See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.
173
00:13:52,345 --> 00:13:55,872
Nige is lovely.Though he does tend to get a bit narky
174
00:13:56,048 --> 00:13:59,108
if you go too close to him with a magnet.
175
00:14:00,753 --> 00:14:03,551
Thanks, Hol. You're really cheering me up (!)
176
00:14:05,358 --> 00:14:07,417
The brig!
177
00:14:07,593 --> 00:14:09,424
Two years!
178
00:14:09,595 --> 00:14:11,825
Two years without curry and lager!
179
00:14:11,998 --> 00:14:14,626
Two years without sex!
180
00:14:15,468 --> 00:14:17,868
You hope.
181
00:14:18,037 --> 00:14:21,529
- Rimmer!
- They're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,
182
00:14:21,707 --> 00:14:24,767
then the bookcase and library, brick by brick.
183
00:14:24,944 --> 00:14:27,139
God, it's you like you used to be.
184
00:14:27,313 --> 00:14:29,042
(GROANS)
185
00:14:29,649 --> 00:14:34,677
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug.
You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.
186
00:14:35,688 --> 00:14:37,246
This is gonna sound nuts,
187
00:14:37,423 --> 00:14:43,293
but the whole crew died, including you, and you
were resurrected by these microscopic robots.
188
00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:48,490
I died? All the crew died? And you're gonna
spend the next two years in the brig
189
00:14:48,668 --> 00:14:51,933
with a load of Neanderthals
with badly spelt tattoos?
190
00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:55,102
So where are we? Is this my heaven?
191
00:14:56,309 --> 00:15:01,303
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived 'cause I was in stasis.
192
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:06,417
Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship
and resurrected the crew.
193
00:15:06,586 --> 00:15:09,521
- So where are they?
- Dunno. Gone. Scarpered.
194
00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:14,217
- Maybe I should take the Fifth.
- I'd take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.
195
00:15:14,393 --> 00:15:20,093
I've got to find these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?
196
00:15:20,266 --> 00:15:24,532
Meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.
197
00:15:24,704 --> 00:15:29,471
- Me?
- Who else will help? I'm confined to quarters.
198
00:15:29,642 --> 00:15:34,875
The minute I go through that door, I get enough
watches up me jacksie to light up Bootle.
199
00:15:35,047 --> 00:15:38,608
Considering what the future
has in store for your jacksie,
200
00:15:38,784 --> 00:15:41,753
a couple of zillion volts will be easy street.
201
00:15:43,122 --> 00:15:46,182
Why have the nanobots put us in this situation?
202
00:15:46,359 --> 00:15:50,659
In the past, they've only ever done things
which have benefited us.
203
00:15:50,830 --> 00:15:53,856
- Like what?
- Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.
204
00:15:54,033 --> 00:15:56,024
We went halfway round the galaxy.
205
00:15:56,202 --> 00:15:59,968
They led us to Legion,
where Mr. Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.
206
00:16:00,139 --> 00:16:03,700
- Benefit.
- Then, back at Red Dwarf, they rebooted Holly.
207
00:16:03,876 --> 00:16:09,109
Benefit. And after that, they led you
to the temporal rip where you met me.
208
00:16:16,522 --> 00:16:18,752
(TOILET FLUSHES)
209
00:16:22,128 --> 00:16:24,392
(HISSING SPRAY)
210
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:33,604
Is it true we're three million light years into
deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?
211
00:16:34,674 --> 00:16:39,611
That is classified information, Karen!
Who the hell told you that?
212
00:16:39,779 --> 00:16:41,770
The coffee machine on G Deck.
213
00:16:41,947 --> 00:16:46,407
Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust
his ass down to tampon dispenser.
214
00:16:47,687 --> 00:16:48,984
Is it true?
215
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:52,753
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.
216
00:16:52,925 --> 00:16:57,487
Starbug took out a CPU bank in the crash.
We're having trouble rebooting.
217
00:16:57,663 --> 00:17:03,533
The coffee machine said the ship's identical to
its original design plans - before the cutbacks.
218
00:17:03,703 --> 00:17:07,298
We now have a quark level
matter-anti-matter generator,
219
00:17:07,473 --> 00:17:11,910
ship wired by organic computer networking,
and a karaoke bar on C deck.
220
00:17:12,078 --> 00:17:15,479
But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?
221
00:17:15,648 --> 00:17:18,116
Nobody knows.
222
00:17:28,794 --> 00:17:32,423
We don't believe this one's human.
Take a look at this.
223
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:34,896
(WHISTLES) Has he got the measles?
224
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,625
Those are his nipples.
225
00:17:38,904 --> 00:17:42,169
Six nipples?
What's the female of the species like?
226
00:17:42,341 --> 00:17:44,434
Pretty easy to please in bed.
227
00:17:45,845 --> 00:17:48,245
Especially if you play the piano.
228
00:17:49,048 --> 00:17:51,915
- His internal organs are different, too.
- How?
229
00:17:52,084 --> 00:17:55,611
His kidney, liver, appendix,
are colour-coordinated.
230
00:17:57,690 --> 00:18:01,490
And even weirder, his stomach wall
appears to be decorated.
231
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:05,061
This guy's intestines look better
than my quarters.
232
00:18:05,231 --> 00:18:11,397
His heartbeat's weird, too. Instead
of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler.
233
00:18:12,271 --> 00:18:16,901
Do you think I'm gonna have the dorky human
heartbeat? Doo-duh. Doo-duh.
234
00:18:17,076 --> 00:18:20,671
Doo-duh. Doo-duh. Where's the tune in that?
235
00:18:20,846 --> 00:18:23,110
Let me hear it.
236
00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:27,748
(HIP-HOP BEAT)
237
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:32,957
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
238
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:37,352
(SAMBA RHYTHM)
239
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,895
That's good. Will you slam that
down on tape for me?
240
00:18:50,609 --> 00:18:54,670
Rimmer, help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.
241
00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:58,305
I'm not risking my career for you.
I'm going places.
242
00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,543
Up the ziggurat lickety-split (!)
243
00:19:00,719 --> 00:19:04,246
Precisely. I'm going to pass the engineering exam.
244
00:19:04,423 --> 00:19:07,586
- And become an officer.
- Yes. An officer.
245
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,160
A guy of honour, decency and breeding.
246
00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:14,099
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?
247
00:19:14,266 --> 00:19:19,329
People with breeding, when they're bored
and want my bridge club chums to go home,
248
00:19:19,505 --> 00:19:24,909
they do not play "Popeye the Sailor Man"
with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.
249
00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:28,169
I remember that.
250
00:19:28,347 --> 00:19:31,578
(LAUGHS) I used to do that sort of thing,
didn't I?
251
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:37,120
And when someone's had a tad too much claret
and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk,
252
00:19:37,289 --> 00:19:41,817
people of honour generally don't take
a Polaroid of your snoozing todger,
253
00:19:41,994 --> 00:19:44,588
draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it...
254
00:19:45,464 --> 00:19:49,560
...then pin it up on the bulletin board
under "Missing Persons".
255
00:19:56,909 --> 00:20:02,745
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen
this man, believed to be a French movie star?"
256
00:20:04,316 --> 00:20:08,719
As if your todger with eyes drawn on it
would look like a French movie star.
257
00:20:09,555 --> 00:20:11,716
Way too good-looking.
258
00:20:12,358 --> 00:20:15,555
- Don't expect help from me.
- But that was years ago.
259
00:20:15,728 --> 00:20:18,094
- It was last week!
- Last week for you.
260
00:20:18,264 --> 00:20:21,700
You've just been resurrected - years ago for me.
261
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:25,826
Anyway, I was wurlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocaat.
262
00:20:26,005 --> 00:20:30,499
I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff
at the back of the drinks cabinet.
263
00:20:30,676 --> 00:20:33,042
That was my Windolene.
264
00:20:34,446 --> 00:20:36,607
I'd used it to clean the glass.
265
00:20:36,782 --> 00:20:41,242
It tasted all right
with that chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.
266
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:43,911
You drank my Swarfega, too?
267
00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:50,361
- You're unbelievable.
- I'm different now. More mature and debonair.
268
00:20:50,529 --> 00:20:55,023
I don't even stir me tea with a spanner
any more. You'd hardly recognise me.
269
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,828
- Have you stopped playing the guitar?
- No.
270
00:20:58,003 --> 00:21:01,530
But I've stopped accompanying myself
on me armpit.
271
00:21:01,707 --> 00:21:05,268
I don't have to take
my frustrations out on you any more.
272
00:21:05,444 --> 00:21:06,809
How's that?
273
00:21:06,979 --> 00:21:12,315
I've been away. What is it? Five or six years
not counting stasis? I've done stuff.
274
00:21:12,484 --> 00:21:16,420
Stuff that would make your hair straight.
I've come through it.
275
00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:20,255
- I can help you.
- Do what?
276
00:21:20,426 --> 00:21:22,417
Get promoted.
277
00:21:23,429 --> 00:21:24,726
Preposterous!
278
00:21:24,897 --> 00:21:26,228
How?
279
00:21:27,199 --> 00:21:32,933
Information. I saw the crew's confidential
reports. I know their strengths and weaknesses.
280
00:21:33,872 --> 00:21:36,136
- How?
- Before you were resurrected,
281
00:21:36,308 --> 00:21:38,674
I had the run of the whole of the ship.
282
00:21:38,844 --> 00:21:43,406
I've seen the crew's files, medical records,
therapy sessions - the works.
283
00:21:43,582 --> 00:21:46,210
Knowledge is power. Who said that?
284
00:21:46,385 --> 00:21:48,376
- I don't know.
- Nor do I.
285
00:21:50,289 --> 00:21:53,884
The point I'm making is
I can make you look like a genius.
286
00:21:54,059 --> 00:21:59,463
You can get promoted. You won't have
to take exams - do that astroengineering smeg.
287
00:21:59,632 --> 00:22:01,691
Just help me escape.
288
00:22:01,867 --> 00:22:07,737
I have my principles. You think you can buy me
with promises of power and glory? You think...
289
00:22:07,906 --> 00:22:09,897
OK, I'll do it.
290
00:22:11,310 --> 00:22:14,370
- You'll have to prove it to me first.
- You're on.
291
00:22:14,546 --> 00:22:16,571
- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.
292
00:22:16,749 --> 00:22:18,444
OK. Deal.
293
00:22:18,617 --> 00:22:21,848
The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.
294
00:22:22,021 --> 00:22:24,990
The senile version of Holly
is loaded into this watch.
295
00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:32,321
Hello. I'm Dr Lucas McClaren.
I'm the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor.
296
00:22:32,498 --> 00:22:36,594
I thought it was time we got together
and had a really good natter.
297
00:22:36,769 --> 00:22:38,532
My name is Kryten, sir.
298
00:22:38,704 --> 00:22:42,333
Lovely. We are doing well, aren't we!
299
00:22:43,275 --> 00:22:46,369
Now, you're a robot, aren't you?
300
00:22:46,979 --> 00:22:49,777
I was the last time I looked, sir, yes.
301
00:22:49,948 --> 00:22:53,941
Can you tell me when you were created?
Can you remember?
302
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:55,609
2640, sir.
303
00:22:55,788 --> 00:22:58,348
Very good. 2640.
304
00:22:58,524 --> 00:23:01,550
Now, that's in the future, isn't it?
305
00:23:01,727 --> 00:23:03,991
Yes, sir. I was created after you died.
306
00:23:04,163 --> 00:23:06,154
Lovely!
307
00:23:07,099 --> 00:23:13,163
So, I died and you were created - how long
would you say I've been dead altogether?
308
00:23:13,338 --> 00:23:16,307
- You're not dead any more, sir.
- Aren't I?
309
00:23:17,309 --> 00:23:21,268
- No. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
- Right...
310
00:23:21,447 --> 00:23:25,747
I was alive, died, and then started living again.
311
00:23:25,918 --> 00:23:29,319
- You've been most fortunate, sir.
- I have, haven't I?!
312
00:23:29,488 --> 00:23:33,549
Golly. Your chair IS screwed down,
isn't it, Kryten?
313
00:23:36,628 --> 00:23:39,791
- Yes, sir.
- Just checking. Excellent. Lovely.
314
00:23:39,965 --> 00:23:41,660
So...
315
00:23:41,834 --> 00:23:44,598
How did I suddenly spring back to life again?
316
00:23:44,770 --> 00:23:48,570
You were rebuilt
by these teeny-weeny tinty little robots.
317
00:23:48,741 --> 00:23:51,938
- Tinty little robots?
- They make this little noise.
318
00:23:52,111 --> 00:23:53,908
(SQUEAKS) Mini-mini-mini.
319
00:23:54,079 --> 00:23:57,606
Yes. Just double-check that chair for me,
would you?
320
00:23:57,783 --> 00:24:00,513
- It IS screwed down, isn't it?
- Yes, sir.
321
00:24:00,686 --> 00:24:04,452
With long, long screws
that go deep, deep into the ground?
322
00:24:04,623 --> 00:24:06,488
Yes, sir.
323
00:24:06,658 --> 00:24:12,221
Tell me. What kind of robot do you think
you are? What were you programmed to do?
324
00:24:12,397 --> 00:24:17,528
I'm a sanitation droid. I do sanitation-type
things - washing, cleaning, ironing.
325
00:24:17,703 --> 00:24:21,935
You also drive spaceships, don't you?
Pretend to be the science officer
326
00:24:22,107 --> 00:24:26,601
and sit in that swivelly chair
with those pretty buttons and press them all.
327
00:24:26,779 --> 00:24:28,303
Yes, I do that too, sir.
328
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,540
- That's sort of thanks to Mr. Lister.
- Mr. Lister?
329
00:24:31,717 --> 00:24:36,950
He helped me break my programming.
I've developed some serious character faults
330
00:24:37,122 --> 00:24:39,147
of which I'm extremely proud.
331
00:24:39,324 --> 00:24:41,952
I'm even able to lie to a modest standard.
332
00:24:42,127 --> 00:24:44,857
For example, you have a very fine haircut.
333
00:24:45,030 --> 00:24:47,089
(LAUGHS)
334
00:24:49,034 --> 00:24:53,130
See how good I've got?
Also, I've completely mastered pomposity,
335
00:24:53,305 --> 00:24:55,739
even though I say so myself.
336
00:24:55,908 --> 00:25:00,208
I've also developed several
rudimentary emotions, including fear...
337
00:25:00,379 --> 00:25:03,143
(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. It's going to kill us!
338
00:25:03,315 --> 00:25:06,546
Sadness... (QUIETLY) Oh, my God. It's killed us.
339
00:25:07,352 --> 00:25:08,649
Happiness...
340
00:25:08,821 --> 00:25:10,413
Oh, no, it hasn't!
341
00:25:10,589 --> 00:25:13,956
Surprise...
(SQUEALS) Ooh! I've turned into a frog!
342
00:25:15,260 --> 00:25:21,688
And just lately, I've got the hang of anger
with rudimentary mindless violence. Arrgh!
343
00:25:24,036 --> 00:25:25,560
That's a newie.
344
00:25:25,737 --> 00:25:29,104
I was gonna launch it
at this year's emotion show.
345
00:25:29,274 --> 00:25:32,004
At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence,
346
00:25:32,177 --> 00:25:36,341
which means feeling two opposite emotions
about the same thing.
347
00:25:36,515 --> 00:25:38,915
(GROANS)
348
00:25:40,953 --> 00:25:43,285
I haven't got the hang of that one yet.
349
00:25:44,423 --> 00:25:47,449
I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.
350
00:25:51,129 --> 00:25:56,294
- What is your relationship with Lister?
- I love Mr. Lister. He taught me everything.
351
00:25:56,468 --> 00:25:59,130
Without him, I'd probably be normal.
352
00:26:00,839 --> 00:26:04,673
I'm gonna make a recommendation
which I think will help you,
353
00:26:04,843 --> 00:26:09,075
but just before I do,
double-check that chair for me, would you?
354
00:26:20,125 --> 00:26:21,649
(TAPPING KEYS)
355
00:26:23,195 --> 00:26:24,719
Yes!
356
00:26:29,234 --> 00:26:32,499
Luck virus? Sexual magnetism?
357
00:26:33,038 --> 00:26:34,938
- (BEEP)
- Holly, what's this?
358
00:26:35,107 --> 00:26:39,009
They got them years agofrom this scientist called Lanstrom.
359
00:26:39,177 --> 00:26:44,376
They're positive viruses. One gives yousexual magnetism, the other gives you luck,
360
00:26:44,549 --> 00:26:47,416
till your natural defences combat the virus.
361
00:26:47,586 --> 00:26:50,419
Sexual magnetism!
362
00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:54,491
- Are you gonna use it?
- Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am!
363
00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:57,288
A tiny swigette to see if it works.
364
00:26:57,462 --> 00:26:59,453
Well, bottoms up.
365
00:27:01,366 --> 00:27:04,767
Then bottoms down,
and hopefully, bottoms up again!
366
00:27:13,912 --> 00:27:15,903
(ALL) Hi there!
367
00:27:17,849 --> 00:27:19,339
Ladies?
368
00:27:19,518 --> 00:27:21,509
Hi, Arnold.
369
00:27:21,687 --> 00:27:24,281
The world loves a bastard!
370
00:27:31,229 --> 00:27:34,460
(SONG) It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
371
00:27:34,633 --> 00:27:37,932
I'm all alone, more or less
372
00:27:38,103 --> 00:27:41,300
Let me fly far away from here
373
00:27:41,473 --> 00:27:44,101
Fun, fun, fun
374
00:27:44,276 --> 00:27:47,939
In the sun, sun, sun
375
00:27:48,113 --> 00:27:51,378
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
376
00:27:51,550 --> 00:27:54,576
Drinking fresh mango juice
377
00:27:54,753 --> 00:27:58,086
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
378
00:27:58,256 --> 00:28:00,952
Fun, fun, fun
379
00:28:01,126 --> 00:28:04,584
In the sun, sun, sun
380
00:28:04,763 --> 00:28:07,596
Fun, fun, fun
381
00:28:07,766 --> 00:28:12,260
In the sun, sun, sun
382
00:28:12,310 --> 00:28:16,860
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