Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Mmm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?

Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir.

Landed a wrench on it. The rest is history!

Scuttling thing a la monkey wrench?

Nothing I'm prepared to eat ever scuttles.

This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.

- It does smell good, though. - The only clue I'll give

is we're having it with green wine.

- It's space weevil, isn't it? - No, sir.

Look, the rule is simple. I will not eat any animal that's been a cartoon.

Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, roadrunners...

All out. I'm not a cartoonivore!

- Ta-da! - Lobster?!

Poached in a cream sauce, sir. Little so-and-so escaped in the hold.

- Where did you get a live lobster? - The SS Centauri had four in stasis.

You've gone to a lot of trouble over this.

- You don't know what day it is, do you, sir? - Someone's birthday? Christmas? Easter?

- National Eat Something That Scuttles Day? - No.

- What, then? - The day you rescued me from the Nova 5.

I thought we'd have a surprise celebration!

Why didn't you say? Ah, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?

It would have been about as unsurprising as an episode of "Tales of the Unexpected".

- Eh? - The old Channel 72 show. It was...

Everyone...

- Never mind. - OK, everybody? Ready? Let's go!

- Go? - To the Artificial Reality suite!

We loaded in that new software from the SS Centauri.

Can you believe we found a copy of "Jane Austen World"?

It's my luckiest find since that tube of leg wax.

You found my leg wax?

We're going to visit "Pride and Prejudice" land. This is gonna be so great!

It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters, all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust!

- But what about the supper? - The thing is, we didn't know.

- We'll have it in a couple of hours. - But I mean... It's just...

Look, I'm trying to get the Bozo Brothers interested in something more sophisticated

than "Name That Smell" or "How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril?"

- We'll have it later. - And you're going with them, sir?

- This is... It's unbelievable! - I know!

Dave and Jane Austen are not an obvious pairing, but think about it -

she's identified with Bath in the 19th century, and that was the last time Dave had one!

Come on!

I just thought I'd check it out. I never had much education going to art college.

- Thought I might learn something here. - Of course.

You've always been a fan of 19th-century observations of middle-class manners.

Just because you own a T-shirt advertising the band Colostomy Explosion

doesn't mean you're not erudite!

Just stick it in the oven and we'll have it later.

- Two days I've spent preparing this! - Kryten, I've gotta go.

They're waiting for me. Sorry.

I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that!

And on our anniversary too!

"Pride and Prejudice" world! In cyberschool, I used to spend all my time here.

These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer BB. I can barely cruise!

Just try and appreciate the nuance and culture.

I'm trying, but it's hard when a seam's splicing your nadgers in two!

- You're gonna spoil this for us. - No, he won't.

All clothes were nadger-restricting then. That's why there were so many wars.

OK? Let's interact with the characters,

then perhaps you can begin to understand why the book is such a masterpiece.

Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennet. Is it not a most fine day?

'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.

Ooh! I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome young friends.

(GIGGLING)

This is Mr Lister and his friend Mr Cat.

(ALL GIGGLE)

Would you like to join our walk around the forest

and later have tea in Mr Bingley's gazebo?

- Oh, please, Mama, can they come? - Oh, that would be so delightful!

Oh, yes! Oh, please! Do! Do come to tea!

Oh, please, please!

They're so hot they're steaming!

Cook it, don't cook it, do this, do that...

Well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!

(GIGGLING AND CHATTER)

Aaah!

(GAGS)

(THUD)

I'll just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game,

and then I think we'll have everyone's attention.

Where have Lizzie and Jane disappeared to?

Such rudeness. I'm most vexed!

(GIGGLING)

Never mind, Mrs Bennet. I'm sure they'll be...

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said supper is ready!

Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.

I didn't know robots got PMT.

- It's nice, Kryts. Really nice. - (KOCHANSKI) It's really great.

- In fact, it's fantastic. - Isn't it great?

- It's really great. - Really really great.

Are we eating the same stuff?

I don't know why I make the effort. No one appreciates it.

My fingers are worn down to the endoskeleton.

- Is there any ketchup? - Any what?

Ketchup. A bit of ketchup. Just a dollop?

- Ketchup? - Oh, my God.

- You want ketchup? - Um... brown!

Not tomato! It's not like I've got no class.

With lobster? You want brown ketchup?

It's really nice, Kryts, but you know me, I need it pepped up.

I can't believe it. I simply cannot b...

Well done, bud! Now we'll have to wash up.

He's literally blown his top! Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

How come I do everything around here?

I never get a second to myself! "Do this, do that." What am I? A dog?

There. That's it. Boot him up.

- You're sure you know what you're doing? - Hey.

Ketchup? With lobster?! You want...

- You said you knew what you were doing! - No, I just said "Hey".

If you'd let me finish, I'd have said, "Hey! No, I don't."

- Any luck? - We've been through his core program

and can't find anything wrong.

- Maybe worth testing it with a spare head? - What spare head?

We've blown them all out.

Look at it. I've seen fewer blackheads in a fried chicken franchise staffroom.

We saved his RAM chips, so we've got his personality on disk, but that's about it.

Life without a head. That'll put a real crimp on his lifestyle.

- What can you do without a head? - Apart from being you? Nothing.

- We have to get him another one. - How could I let this happen?

When was the Centauri built? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?

- Think. Any clues when it was built? - Which century?

It had big crystalline turbine drives. I'd say 21st or 22nd century...

maybe even 23rd or 24th.

At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't hold me to it.

Why are we asking him? Let's ask someone who can give us a more intelligent opinion.

Hello, wall! What do you think?

Hang on. Hang on.

- What you doing? - Connecting to their mainframe.

If there's a Divadroid signature on their supplies inventory,

then it's possible there's some mech-heads around there somewhere.

Maybe 29th.

Look!

Hey... Simulant, probably rogue. Let's get the smeg outta here!

Wait!

(LISTER) Hmm, you smell good. (CAT) Thanks!

- They're all missing their primers. - This Johnny won't help us.

Simulants hate everything human or humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with "hu".

Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then!

- Why's that? - Because it's called Hue, dummy.

Actually, it's pronounced "hwah", but it wouldn't have been as funny.

Any navigation conference would be in the aisles with a quip like that.

Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again.

Well, the point I was trying to make is that Sims hate humans but not Gelfs.

- But we're not Gelfs. - We could be.

- This is nuts! - We look great! What are you talking about?

- This is never gonna work. - Achachachachach ach-ach?

Hachachachach! Achachach!

- You can't speak Gelf. - Neither can the Sim!

We'll just do an impression of you first thing in the morning. Come on, boy.

(LISTER) This is demeaning. I feel like a piece of meat!

There's someone up there! Hachachachach! Achachach!

Achachachachach ach-ach-ach?

It's worse than the Chronic Catarrh Sufferers' annual outing!

- Achachachachach? - After spare mech-heads, eh?

Human! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! How about a trade?

We ain't selling, OK? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.

- Achachachachach! - I was just telling him. No deal.

- Achachachachach! - Like she says, no deal.

- Achachachach! - You tell him, bud-babe!

No deal! You got that?

So... you speak Earth, eh?

Ach.

Now... Tails, you can have the mech-heads for free.

- Heads, I take the human. - Hey, wait a minute!

It's tails. The heads are yours.

And here are the primers.

Now, how about a toast, eh?

To Simulants, the greatest droids in the universe!

But never trust 'em, eh? Cheers!

Ah! (LAUGHS)

- Oh, we've been set up! - But how?

He must have had a sidekick. He kept us talking while his mate ransacked the ship!

Kryten!

They've taken his RAM chip too.

Little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive throwback.

- Oh, wow! Another mech. - Fix him ready for market

or I'll apply the electro-leads to your nipple nuts.

Fix him or get fried nipple nuts?

Erm... Er... I think I'm gonna choose the fix him option! Deal!

And hurry it up, you stupid zoney!

Can I ask about a pay rise?

I'm almost out of otrazone. I need more.

Fix the mech first. Here's his RAM chip.

(GRUNTS)

Totally tubular!

(BLEEPS)

Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.

Thank you, Mr, er...? What is your name?

Er, just give me a second, OK? (GRUNTS)

I've just sent that query down to long-term memory retrieval. It'll be back in no time.

Hang on. Here it comes. (GRUNTS)

Told you it would be quick. (STRAINS)

Able. My name's Able. A-B-L-E, Able.

My name is Kryten. You're a 4000 series, too.

Er, hang on. Won't take a tick. (GRUNTS)

Please, don't bother. Believe me, you are a 4000.

Well, I could check. It'd only take about 20 seconds.

Your serial number's 2X4C. I'm a 2X4C too! We must have the same motherboard.

Oh, then you're my bro! Hey, wow, you wanna try some otrazone?

Otrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!

I just use it now and then. It helps me through the day.

- How come you ended up here? - Er, hang on.

- (GRUNTS) - Irritating characteristic.

Uh! OK. The ship I was on, er... kind of crashed a bit.

- "Crashed a bit"? - The crew just lay there

and didn't talk to me any more.

After a couple of years, I figured out they must be dead.

A long time later, the Simulant guy picked me up.

He's a psychopathic killing machine, but he has his good side.

And he has a huge stash of otrazone! You sure you won't try some, Kryten, bro?

I do not touch otrazone! It corrupts your circuit boards!

Well, that's what people say, but where's the evidence?

Have I just said that?

Approaching the Centauri, 80 klicks and closing. Nice and easy, man.

Hang on. Their retros have started up. They've spotted us!

Look at that acceleration! They're already halfway across the sector!

It can travel at speeds we can only dream of.

Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of.

We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.

OK, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.

This is the opposite direction, full speed!

- Precisely. - Why do we wanna do that?

- It's totally insane. - (LISTER) So why do it?

Perhaps if we'd planted something aboard the Centauri that was gonna blow any second.

- But we haven't. - No, so why are we in such a rush?

- It doesn't make sense. - Exactly.

- (LISTER) Unless we really planted a bomb. - Which we haven't.

So even though we didn't plant a bomb,

the only thing that explains what we're doing is if we did... which we didn't!

But we must have, otherwise what we're doing is totally nuts!

- Exactly. - They've turned around to track us!

What a fluke!

Getting an incoming. Someone's beaming on board, cargo bay!

We know about the bomb.

So we did plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.

Where did you hide it? Speak!

Or you'll be picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.

- Can I change into dungarees? - Hand over Kryten and we'll tell you.

Clearly I need to prove myself.

Kryten, that file in your CPU,

the one you've never been able to access.

The password is 4X2C.

Hang on, man. (GRUNTS)

It's about your creator, Kryten, Dr Mammett.

- Kryten, no! - Accessing now.

No! It can't be true.

- It can't. - The truth is in there.

That's what turned me into a zoney.

Who's next?

The cat or the woman? Choose. Heads or tails?

Heads!

Right, let's send them back and get outta here before they get their smeg together!

Kryten, man, what's wrong?

You look sadder than the salad you get with a takeaway kebab.

- Tell me what you found out. - I can't. It's too terrible.

Kryten, we're amigos. You've gotta tell me.

- You keep secrets from me, sir. - Like what?

- Your nickname at school? - What nickname?

- I know what it was. - No one knows that.

I'm afraid that's just not true, Fatboy. You talk in your sleep.

It was for a few years when I lived with me gran.

She was massive. Her stockings rubbed together when she walked.

It sounded like a steam train pulling out of a station.

I got fat, too. It really hit home when she died.

She got hit by this truck, and the chalk outline guy had to get more chalk!

I thought, "I don't want to be a double-chalker."

If you ever tell anyone, you're in pieces. Now tell me about your creator.

- Oh, it's so humiliating! - Tell me about Professor Mammett.

Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer.

He jilted her the day before their wedding, so she created a droid in his image -

a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen-clucking, irascible buffoon.

- What happened to this droid? - That droid, sir, is me!

Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen-clucking?

Oh, yeah. I see now.

We're all John Warburton, the entire 4000 series.

It was Mammett's revenge.

Judging from that groinal attachment, you can see why she was sad to lose him.

As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger -

are stored on a special file, my negadrive.

Now, when this file gets full it blows! Just like he used to.

All your resentment's in this? It's so small.

Oh, don't be fooled, sir. This box contains the greatest concentration

of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards ceremony!

So Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem and turned to otrazone.

He told me. He's promised to quit.

How could Mammett have done this?

Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've changed.

Look how different you are to Able. Mammett wouldn't even recognise you.

- I've evolved? - You bet.

I've become something that's beyond a joke?

Too right, man.

There's something coming in from the starboard bow!

- The Sim's back. He's got a lock on! - Reverse thrust. Go! Five-niner-seven.

- (BOOM) - Missed, but still locked on!

- Take us into that asteroid belt. - Not an asteroid belt!

- Is that a problem? - It sure is! My hair gets all messed up!

- So what do we do? Get splattered? - Rather that than look like Tina Turner!

- I'm taking us in. - Once in,

maintain silence till he's convinced we're not there.

I know you're in that belt somewhere.

One little mistake... and you're mine.

(ENGINES ROAR)

The mistake is made.

What happened, man?

- I don't know! I don't know nothin'! - Get him out of here!

Leave him to me!

I think I may have pressed the wrong button.

You have jeopardised the crew's lives,

breaking the most basic command codes!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean nothin'.

- He's mad. We don't stand a chance! - I can't throw him off.

- I'm using every trick I know! - Let's moon out of the starboard portholes!

That always works for me!

Wait! Someone's left the ship, an escape pod!

- It's Able! - It's heading towards the Sim's ship.

Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum!

He's no brother of mine!

- He's fired something at them. - Some sort of energy field. Looks heavy.

The negadrive! He's rerouted my negadrive energy through the escape pod's thrusters.

The Simulant ship is engulfed in negativity.

It's all hopeless! Nobody loves me!

I'm so ugly! I never get invited to parties!

I hate this ship!

I hate everything!

Able's pod just crash-landed.

He gave his life, and we hardly knew him.

With your permission, I should like to recover the body and perform last rites.

- Do you need a hand, Kryts? - He ain't heavy, sir. He's my brother.

Great anniversary party, Kryters.

Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!

How utterly splendid!

Mine's the vindaloo, whatever that is.

Mrs Bennet, Jane, Kitty, I beg you, have the omelette with the big chips.

- Curries are an acquired taste. - Oh, nonsense!

Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy French apples,

but she did, didn't you, Jane?

Now tuck in, girls!

I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!

Oh, Mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!

A most meritorious venture.

(ALL SCREAM)

Curious. There must be a bug in the program.

- I'm on fire! - Water!

- Somebody help me! - I'll work on it.

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

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