Original subtitles

92 degrees. God!

I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up.

I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor.

This is one of the universal dilemmas,

something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

No, I'll just lie here really thirsty with a full bladder

and try and get to sleep.

Smeggin' hell!

One more time and you get this. Do you hear?

Don't think I don't mean it. One more time. Just one more.

(PIPE GURGLES)

What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you?

How many times have I told you? Right. What was the last one?

"Nureek." So the next one will be a "rotut",

and the one after that will be a "hernunger".

Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds...

(ROTUTI)

Now "hernunger".

(NUREEKI)

No, that's wrong. You've gone out of sequence.

"Nureek", "rotut", "hernunger". What's wrong with you?

If you're gonna keep me up all night, just do it right, OK?

(SQUELOOKLEI)

"Squelookle"? Where does "squelookle" come from? He's new!

(WATER HISSES)

Oh, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.

Oh!

OK...

Right, right.

I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like.

I can't hear a damn thing.

(NUREEKI)

Oh, my goodness. It's Princess Leia.

Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.

- What? - It's 1 a.m., ma'am. What are you doing up?

Looking for someone to kill. Volunteering?

Oh, can't sleep?

Have you ever listened to those old pipes?

Nureeking and rotuting and just when you expect them to nureek again, they squelookle!

It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!

It's amazing how many people those pipes have driven to the brink of psychosis.

Mr Lister spent the night in there and tried to suffocate himself with a sandwich.

Look at this. This is a boys' fridge.

Women would never have fridges like this.

Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!

What would you say to some drinking chocolate?

I'd say, "Drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"

I can't live like this. I need a bath.

I've always hated showers. Ask anyone what I hate and you know what they'd say?

- You hate showers? - See? Even you know and you hardly know me!

I need a bath. I need sleep. I need clothes. I need cottage cheese with pineapple in.

I'm sure the next Space Corps ship we find will have supplies.

I knew when I joined the Corps it would be tough in deep space.

I accepted shopping was unlikely.

But then I lost my crew, my ship

and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of clothes

and pipes that squelookle when they should nureek!

I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in!

I even tried learning what offside was.

- Oh... - (SOBS)

Ma'am, please. I've never had to comfort a crying woman before.

I'm not familiar with the technique.

Er, hang on. Just processing.

(BLEEPS)

Oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am. I know the drill now.

- Huh! - What are you doing?! Get off me!

The Heimlich manoeuvre, ma'am. It helps women stop crying.

The Heimlich manoeuvre stops people choking!

No, I think you're wrong, ma'am. Huh!

You've just got a corrupted file in your database!

- Well, why have you stopped crying? - It's really hard to cry

when someone's doing the Heimlich manoeuvre on you.

- It really puts you off. - But you're not crying, though.

Well, no.

- So it worked. - No! It didn't work! It just...

Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

(EXASPERATED) Oh!

Where did it all go wrong?

My life started off so promisingly.

Rich parents, good school, pony named Trumper.

How did I end up like this?

On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is watching my knickers spin dry.

Oh, ma'am! No one has ever done that!

Because they don't know when you wash them.

One trailer before "The World's Stupidest Stuntmen" video

and that laundry room will be packed!

I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am.

Wow! This is the best load yet.

Just for the record, I'm only here because I can't sleep.

- I'm doing some laundry to help Kryten. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not here because I'm a sad person who's entertained by women's underwear spin-drying.

- My God! A G-string! - Where?

You missed it.

I swear! It was black and really really small.

I'm too mature for this. I'm gonna read my comic.

Oh, this is a great show tonight.

I may write a fan letter to the manufacturers.

Sometimes I'm ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of order.

- Since when did you get so mature? - Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

You're just pretending to be mature to get Officer Bud-Babe to fall for you!

- Everybody knows that! - Go stick an egg up your nose.

- It's true. - Isn't true.

- It is. Is! Is! - It isn't. Isn't! Isn't!

Sirs! What are you arguing about?

- About me being really mature. - Sir, why aren't you in bed?

The heating system's gone bonkers. Why? What's up?

Life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.

She's in the midships now, shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yoghurt.

- What's the problem? - Her quarters are by the sewage processor.

- You know how noisy those pipes are, sir. - We'll relag them tomorrow.

It's not just that. It's everything.

Not being able to have a bath, no cottage cheese, no c...

The thermostat!

I swear I set the correct programme! Oh!

Who on earth is going to tell her? I mean, who...?

- Hi. - (GRUNTS)

How are you settling in?

Great. Having a ball.

- We'll get you some more clothes. - Don't worry.

I can wear a sheet for the next 50 years. I'll be fine.

- We'll fix those pipes. - If you could just make them go "nureek"

without any "squelookles", I'd be so grateful.

- We'll stop them completely. - I'm not used to this, not having stuff.

When I was 15, my brother used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom.

If I didn't look good I wouldn't go out.

If I don't look good, I don't feel good.

How do you feel now?

- (WHIMPERS) - Don't answer that.

I know I've been spoilt,

brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow.

- Yeah, the Gorbals. You said. - Eleven years in cyberschool,

perfect computer-generated setting,

with perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends.

Now I can't even have a bath.

Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.

You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.

I filled an old retro housing with water.

- I don't know what to say... - And I, um... found this on that derelict.

I was saving it for your birthday.

There's some make-up in there, too.

I can't find her, sir. I've been searching high and low.

Oh! Ma'am. I didn't spot you there.

- Kris is sleeping here tonight. - In your quarters, sir?

- Yeah, she's gonna have a nice hot bath. - In here? Without clothes on?

Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.

Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better if you leave.

- Sir? - We're planning on settling down together.

It started that night she had a bath in my quarters, remember?

We got you this leaving present.

- A keyring. - With a "C" on it.

- For Kryten. - But you spell Kryten with a "K".

Oh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed all your heads. They're in the bag.

You know what it's like, man. You settle down with a woman,

and they systematically set about getting rid of your mates.

- Cat's next. - I've been packing his bag for weeks.

We want to be a proper couple and have dinner parties,

and I think I really should be wearing clogs.

We're a bit embarrassed of your funny-shaped head.

- You're not human, are you. You're a robot. - Yeah!

- Oh, hi! You're early. Come in! - Great to see you!

Mwah! Mwah!

I've just seen the future! Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.

- You only have one now. - Never mind.

- Aren't you mad? - I'm too tired.

I just want a bath and some sleep.

Right. I'll be going, then. After all these years, I'll be going.

- Are you all right, Kryts? - Never been better, sir.

A keyring with a "C" on it! Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital "R"!

- What's eating him? - I dunno. I'll find out later.

Thanks for this. I really appreciate it.

- Hey, no bother. - See you in the morning.

Right.

- Well, I'll be going, then... - Yeah. Night.

Right, I'll... I'll go.

- Yeah. - See you tomorrow.

Right. If you need anyone to scrub your back or anything, don't hesitate to call.

- I won't. - Night, then.

- Night. - Night. Night-night.

(BOOM)

What was that?

Hang on a minute. I've got a torch.

- What the hell's happening? - The generator's down, sir.

I was adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded.

In a few seconds, the emergency back-up will kick in.

- (HUMMING) - Ah, thank goodness.

I'll look into it immediately, sir!

(BUZZING)

There goes the back-up! Now everything's dead.

- How come the doors closed? - When the back-up goes, the doors lock.

Prevent fire, reinforce hull integrity.

So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?

Everything's down. I wish I'd been more careful!

You mean this ship's careening through space with zero expertise at the helm?

No change there, then.

We've got to refire the back-up generator.

- That's through the service ducts. - The what?

Two miles of ventways that wind through the ship. There's a hatchway in your shower.

- How long will that take? - Six hours.

- Six hours?! - Are you OK, sir?

Fine, yeah! Ahem... Yeah. Yeah.

The reading last night said a meteor storm was coming in, but it won't hit us for 12 hours.

We should gather up some supplies, food and water,

and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

OK, let's go.

It's so damn hot, it's like being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face.

I don't feel so good. The walls are closing in!

- Are you OK, sir? - I need air!

He's claustrophobic. Didn't you guys know?

I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle...

- I can't breathe! - Have a drink, sir.

OK, take a look around. See if we can unscrew a ceiling hatch, drop back into the ship.

- Let's go. - My throat's closing.

- I'm choking. - Drink this.

You just need to take your mind off it.

I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic.

Oh, thanks, Kris. That's really helping.

It's not a good time to hear how great your boyfriend is.

He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.

- What? - No, we were just good friends.

- No, but you said... - I didn't want to look like a sad loser,

so I asked him to play along.

- You weren't going out with him? - He wasn't my type.

But he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive...

You're so damn picky! Why wasn't he your type?

- He was gay. - You see? Picky.

They have to be absolutely perfect before you're int...

- What did you say?! - He was gay.

- Gay? - Yes.

I'm gay in an alternative dimension?

- Yes. - Me?

That's why we didn't date long. It was his final attempt at working things out.

Wait a minute. You don't think...

Now, hang on. I'm completely straight, OK?

I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache for starters.

- It just grows in little clumps. - Dave, shut up.

- I'm just saying. - I really miss him. He was great.

Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me.

- Made me feel everything was OK. - Really?

Well, actually...

What am I thinking of? I am not gay!

- Don't make a big deal about it! - But I'm not!

Before the accident, I had loads of gay friends.

- So did I. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Friends that you were close to?

- Yeah! - Name one.

OK, what about... Bent Bob?

Bent Bob?!

Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.

That's what you called him, is it? "Hey, Bent Bob! How's it going?"

It was his nickname. It was affectionate.

Obviously, we only used it behind his back. Played poker. Nice bloke.

- He was a really good friend? - All right, I haven't had many gay friends.

Yes, you have. You just haven't known they were.

- Like who? - Well, I can only speak for my reality,

but on our ship, Todd Hunter.

- Todd Hunter? - Yeah.

- He was married. He had kids. - So?

- He slept with women. - That doesn't mean anything.

Yes, it does!

Hang on a minute. This is garbage, isn't it?

You made it up to take my mind off this!

You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?

God, I found that really attractive, as well.

Made me feel all superior and macho. Not that I don't usually feel macho.

Here, have another drink... heteroboy.

So, your Dave... isn't, is he?

Ah, smeg!

We've found a grille about 20 metres down which drops down into a supply room.

We can't get through to unscrew the bolts, but with smaller hands you might have better luck.

- Will you be OK? - Leave him to me.

I'll be OK.

Drink?

Boy, is it cramped! Whoo-ee!

If I was dead, you could not swing me around in here!

- Cat... - Talk about cooped up!

Cat!

Oh, sorry. Not supposed to talk about that, right?

Right.

How come you're claustrophobic? Were you born that way or are you kind of sissy?

- Sissy. - Yeah?

Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?

How comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel...?

I don't always get it! Just when I know that I can't get out.

Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.

But how come you get it at all, though?

I was 17, working in the MegaMart part-time as a trolley-parker.

After a couple of months, I fell in love with cashier number four.

She was 22, with come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes.

Something about the way she held her pricing gun made me crash me trolleys.

We started seeing each other in the stockroom at break time.

She gave you claustrophobia? I didn't think you could get it like that.

No. She was married to this bald bloke who served the fish, ten years older than her.

He was more interested in his amateur dramatics group than her.

One evening, we snuck into the stockroom

and started making love on a box of tinned asparagus.

After a few minutes - about halfway through, I was 17 -

she said, "There's someone at the door!"

I jumped into this wooden crate. It was him!

He asked what the hell she was doing lying on a box of reduced tinned veg with no kit on.

She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the light bulb.

He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal.

I was screaming at him, pleading, "Let me out!"

I promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, just let me out!

In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened.

I stepped out... bollock naked...

right in the middle of an amateur production of "The Importance of Being Earnest".

Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!

I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic.

It's probably not something he's comfortable talking about.

- He's told me about everything else. - Not everything, Kryten.

- Absolutely, ma'am! - Everything?

Before you arrived, nights were long and dull.

Cheese slice snap can only entertain so long.

So what did he tell you about me?

Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. Every single detail.

You mean he told you... about the rusty gate?

That was one of the first things he told us.

- We all had a good laugh! - He told you that?

That I make a sound like a rusty gate when I'm making love?

No, he told us his grandma once had a rusty gate, and he helped fix it.

And that gave you a good laugh?

Well, like I say, nights were long and dull.

We were glad of the anecdote.

So he didn't...? OK. I never said that.

Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under "B" for blackmail,

and sub-category "S" for "so funny you'll laugh till you're sick".

Look, wig-stand-head, me and Dave, it's all in the past.

So why does he look at you like a starving man looks at a pack of peanuts?

- Well, it's because... - Because he wants to get the wrapper off

and taste the salty goodness!

- That's his problem. - And the way you look at him?

- What way? - I've seen it!

- What way? - Like he's cottage cheese with pineapple!

How can you say that?!

I have never looked at him like he's cottage cheese with pineapple!

Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese, but never ever with pineapple.

Never. Never!

Have I?

- What's that? - What's what?

Can't you hear it yet?

Like a... roaring noise.

A roaring noise?

Like a... watery kind of roaring noise.

I can't hear a thing.

It's like water roaring down, say... a passageway...

in a kind of roaring, watery kind of way.

I wonder what the hell it is.

- Hey, where are you going? - Kris! Kryten! Recyc water!

Every four hours, the ducts get backwashed!

I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.

- Come on! - I ain't going with you!

- Why not? - That's where the water's coming from.

You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?

(WATER ROARING)

I hate this! I really hate this!

- What's that? - What?

- That noise. - Oh, not again! What noise?

Is it a roaring, watery noise?

No, not that noise. This is a different kind of noise.

Is it a "Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist" kind of noise?

It's a sort of... swirly... windy...

water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise!

A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise?

The dryer! The vents get dried after the backwash!

- (WHOOSHING) - Here it comes.

Whooooaaa!

I am not having a good day!

This should take away the rising panic.

- What is it? - We found a first-aid box.

Lemoplathinominecatholyrite.

Well done, ma'am.

Well, everything considered, we've made good time.

What if we have to eat each other like those dudes from that plane crash?

Those were exceptional circumstances. Their only other choice was airline food.

- It won't happen to us. - Good. I could never eat a person.

No way I could cook one, not without my slow cooker.

- What about drinking your own urine? - That's out of the question.

You never serve urine with white meat.

I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school.

The dorm was always pitch black.

The tight sods didn't allow so much as a night-light, to save electricity.

One night, the lights went out and, as usual, Squeaky Gibson's bed started up.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

We all threw our shoes at him. "Shut up, Gibson! We're trying to sleep!"

Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while his bed started up again.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! More shoes, boots, trainers, everything.

He just got faster and faster.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! So I got up, snapped on the light,

and there under a mountain of shoes was poor old Squeaky having an epileptic fit.

I managed to wedge one of my trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life.

Cyberschool was so different. We'd arrive on the first day of term,

put on our total immersion suits and connect to the mainframe.

Suddenly, there we'd be in a perfect replica of a girls' boarding school.

We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths.

For history, they brought in Disraeli and Genghis Khan.

For literature, they let us talk to Shakespeare and Dickens.

I can't wait to hear about sex education class.

At 18, when I got out, I went off the rails.

- How off the rails? - There are the rails. There's me.

That's way off the rails.

- So? What did you do? - You name it.

- No, you name it. What did you do? - Well...

- Yeah? - You want me to write you a list?

Yeah.

OK, I, er... Well, I smoked cigarettes sometimes.

I wore skirts that were quite short.

- I went to the library and was really noisy. - Really (?)

No, not really. I was in real life for the first time.

No protectors. I went insane.

- Really? - Yeah. I was a retro-punk.

(ALL) Wow!

They say the hardest part of leaving cyberspace

is realising the universe does not revolve around you.

Sure doesn't. It revolves around me.

- Absolutely. - No, I'm serious. Look at the evidence.

What evidence?

Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.

Even knowing what I'm gonna say never bores me.

- You and you alone. - And here's the clincher.

All the interesting things that happened to me happened when I was there.

Coincidence? Get outta here!

By my reckoning, we should be halfway across B-deck now.

Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!

Hang on. How come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?

- It should be getting colder. - Ma'am,

that meteor storm, what direction was it in?

- Dead ahead. - Anything else in the vicinity?

- There's a sun, but that's it. - We've been knocked off course,

probably due to the generators going down.

We're heading straight into that sun! And it's all my fault!

- Kryten, it's not your fault. - It is!

It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.

I did it on purpose. I typed in the override code on the access panel.

What?!

I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!

- Kryten, what made you do it? - I really can't remember...

- What do you mean, can't remember? - I'd rather not say.

- It might sound a bit silly. - Say it.

I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.

Well, it would be one of those "no-clothes" baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back,

and before we know it, he's wearing clogs and you're having Gelfs round to dinner.

And what would happen to me? I'd be on my own again!

- Oh, Kryten! - (WHINES) I was just so scared!

- Let's get out of here. - We're not going to make it!

- We are! - How?

We're gonna catch some surf!

- OK, here it comes. - So how do you hang ten?

Just get into position! Here it...

(EVERYONE SCREAMS)

(CRASH)

(SCREAMING)

Oh! Thank God we made it!

Oh, God!

(THUD)

How? How?

I, er... I, ah, er...

Oh.

That's it. We're fried, unless someone's got some terrific sunblock cream.

Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override

- in case... (SQUEAKS) anything happened. - (DOOR HUMS)

You mean we spent the night crawling through this ship for absolutely no reason?

It was all pointless? You put me through that nightmare when we could just walk out?

Well, we've got some serious reversing to do.

We'll talk about this over a cup of coffee and a hot branding iron.

- Well, night. - Aren't you mad, too, ma'am?

You're not, are you? I think I understand.

For you, the trek was far from pointless.

It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates.

This was your rites of passage.

You feel wiser and bonded by this in a way that you never thought possible.

- Say "nureek". - Nureek.

- Say "rotut". - Rotut.

- Say "hernunger". - Hernunger.

- "Nureek." - Nureek.

- "Rotut." - Rotut.

- "Hernunger." - Hernunger.

- "Squelookle." - Squelookle.

- "Rotut." - Ooh! Rotut.

- "Nureek." - Ooh! Nureek.

- "Hernunger." - Hernunger.

"Squelookle. Nureek. Rotut..."

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

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