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1
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("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
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Gentlemen,
thank you for attending the meeting.
3
00:00:46,887 --> 00:00:49,765
Now, it can't have escaped anyone's attention
4
00:00:49,927 --> 00:00:54,159
that things have been getting
rather strained here of late.
5
00:00:54,367 --> 00:00:56,642
Morale is on the floor.
6
00:00:56,807 --> 00:01:02,040
We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf,
tempers are strained, supplies are low.
7
00:01:02,247 --> 00:01:07,116
So, I've decided, if you approve,
to appoint myself morale officer...
8
00:01:08,727 --> 00:01:12,640
..and set myself the task of raising spirits
and improving the atmosphere.
9
00:01:12,847 --> 00:01:17,045
Now, to kick off,
we should all meet once a week
10
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:20,756
to have a coffee or a beer,
whatever's your poison,
11
00:01:20,967 --> 00:01:24,562
and get any problems
we may have off our chests.
12
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- Any objections?
- (ALL MUTTER IN APPROVAL)
13
00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:31,038
Well, as it's week one, why don't I start?
14
00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:35,803
You know what it is about Lister
that makes me want to puke?
15
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:40,518
That makes me want to stab him
in both eyes with an ice pick?
16
00:01:40,687 --> 00:01:43,042
Everything, that's what.
17
00:01:43,207 --> 00:01:47,485
Especially his godawful,
chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism.
18
00:01:48,807 --> 00:01:52,766
And as for the Cat, what an unbelievable git.
19
00:01:52,927 --> 00:01:55,566
And Kryten, if he doesn't change pronto,
20
00:01:55,727 --> 00:02:01,677
I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts
and fry him like Cajun catfish.
21
00:02:01,847 --> 00:02:03,963
Well, that's cleared the air.
22
00:02:04,127 --> 00:02:07,756
I know I certainly feel better.
Thank you, gentlemen.
23
00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:11,602
See you at next week's morale meeting.
Marvellous.
24
00:02:14,327 --> 00:02:16,397
- Good meeting.
- What's eating him?
25
00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:20,361
Well, I'm no psychologist,
but maybe the bleak emptiness
26
00:02:20,527 --> 00:02:23,485
of our hopeless predicament is getting to him.
27
00:02:23,687 --> 00:02:28,124
You can tell when he's tense.
He scrunches up cups.
28
00:02:28,287 --> 00:02:31,643
And we're not talking styrofoam.
We're talking enamel.
29
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:35,157
- He attacked me with that fridge.
- What happened?
30
00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:39,081
He wrenched it off the wall
and tried to insert it.
31
00:02:39,287 --> 00:02:43,917
- What did you do to upset him?
- Nothing. I was just sitting there,
32
00:02:44,087 --> 00:02:47,159
plucking out
my lengthier nostril hairs with tongs.
33
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:50,723
- Extraordinary. It's so unprovoked.
- The guy's so touchy.
34
00:02:50,887 --> 00:02:56,359
If I did that every time you're being gross,
you'd have to go on a fridge-free diet.
35
00:02:57,087 --> 00:03:01,478
The problem is,
every day's the same old slog in deep space.
36
00:03:01,647 --> 00:03:06,562
- Take Christmas Day. What did we do?
- If you remember, we were attacked
37
00:03:06,727 --> 00:03:10,515
by that pan-dimensional liquid beast
from the Mogidon Cluster.
38
00:03:10,687 --> 00:03:12,803
Maybe that wasn't a great example.
39
00:03:13,007 --> 00:03:15,601
I'm saying our lives are dull, repetitive.
40
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:19,806
We never stop to smell the roses.
We never celebrate anything.
41
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:23,164
- We got nothing to celebrate with.
- Not true, sir.
42
00:03:23,327 --> 00:03:29,038
There's a whole case of that wine I brewed
out of urine recyc, practically untouched.
43
00:03:29,247 --> 00:03:34,037
Call me pretentious, but, for me,
good wine should not leave you
44
00:03:34,207 --> 00:03:37,722
with a moustache
that you can only remove with turps.
45
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,963
- (SIREN)
- Autopilot alert.
46
00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:53,164
- Storm front ahead.
- Too late to go round! It's on us.
47
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:56,404
Stellar fog, tightly-packed particles
from an exploded supernova.
48
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:59,127
Scanners can only penetrate a few metres.
49
00:04:02,487 --> 00:04:05,399
- Slowing to minimum.
- Absolute concentration till we're through.
50
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:09,606
- There could be anything out there.
- Don't worry. We'll spot it.
51
00:04:11,007 --> 00:04:14,079
- Anyone hurt?
- My pride sure needs mouth-to-mouth.
52
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:17,006
Mr Lister! Sir!
53
00:04:17,647 --> 00:04:20,639
- He's out cold!
- All stop. Let's get him upstairs.
54
00:04:22,207 --> 00:04:25,961
- (RIMMER) How is he?
- Not good, sir. Better look away.
55
00:04:26,127 --> 00:04:30,484
- I know you hate the sight of blood.
- It's OK when it's Lister's.
56
00:04:31,687 --> 00:04:33,803
- Impossible!
- (CAT) What?
57
00:04:33,967 --> 00:04:36,959
Look! Mr Lister is a droid!
58
00:04:37,727 --> 00:04:39,718
- What?!
- No doubt about it.
59
00:04:39,887 --> 00:04:45,200
He's entirely mechanical.
A 3000 series. Made in Taiwan.
60
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:49,042
Look, he has a 24-hour call-out number.
61
00:04:49,207 --> 00:04:53,246
I'm sorry, I'm not buying this.
Who'd create him and why?
62
00:04:53,407 --> 00:04:57,082
What's his mission?
To rid the universe of chicken vindaloo?
63
00:04:57,287 --> 00:05:00,484
If he wasn't human, I'd know by his scent.
64
00:05:00,687 --> 00:05:02,917
The X-rays confirm it.
65
00:05:04,527 --> 00:05:07,963
This is so strange.
Mr Lister's an icon of mine.
66
00:05:08,127 --> 00:05:12,564
Now I find he's an earlier model.
Technically, I outrank him.
67
00:05:12,727 --> 00:05:16,037
How come he looks
so much more sophisticated than you?
68
00:05:16,207 --> 00:05:20,405
Sir, having a head shaped
like a freak formation of mashed potato
69
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:22,558
doesn't make me unsophisticated.
70
00:05:22,727 --> 00:05:24,843
Why does he look more human?
71
00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:28,119
Humans have always found
exact duplicates rather disturbing, sir.
72
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,006
The 3000 series was notoriously unpopular.
73
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:35,638
Most of them were recalled.
A few slipped the net and made new lives.
74
00:05:35,847 --> 00:05:38,202
- Do you think he knows?
- Unlikely.
75
00:05:38,407 --> 00:05:41,080
He probably reprogrammed himself
to escape detection.
76
00:05:41,287 --> 00:05:45,724
This'll crack him up, devastate him.
Who's going to tell him?
77
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:49,004
I'll write you into my will if it's me.
78
00:05:49,207 --> 00:05:53,246
I suggest you let me, sirs.
I'll talk to him droid to droid.
79
00:05:53,407 --> 00:05:57,605
OK. We'll try to get out of this damn fog.
80
00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,042
(GROANS)
81
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:04,637
- What hit us?
- Something in the stellar fog, sir.
82
00:06:04,807 --> 00:06:09,483
It didn't show up on the scans.
Sir, do you remember your parents?
83
00:06:09,687 --> 00:06:13,600
I was found under a pool table in a box.
84
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:17,197
Hmm. Was anything written on that box?
85
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:22,361
Were the words "kit" or "paint
before assembly" written on the side?
86
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:26,964
While you were under,
we discovered something rather disturbing.
87
00:06:27,647 --> 00:06:30,161
It's that tattoo, isn't it?
88
00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:33,956
I don't really love Peterson.
He just got me drunk.
89
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:38,206
It's not the tattoo, sir.
There's no breaking this gently.
90
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:42,121
I'm afraid, sir, you are not human.
You're a droid.
91
00:06:42,287 --> 00:06:45,597
- I'm a what?
- You're a mechanical, 3000 series.
92
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:49,726
- Technically subordinate to me.
- What does this all mean?
93
00:06:49,927 --> 00:06:56,321
In broad terms, I get the front seat in the cockpit
and you're in charge of the laundry!
94
00:06:56,487 --> 00:06:58,796
And I want to see creases!
95
00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:04,917
Kryten, have a heart, man. I'm in major
stress-related shock here. Gobsmack overload.
96
00:07:05,087 --> 00:07:09,000
You're a droid. You don't have real emotions.
It's just synthi-shock.
97
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,886
Now go about your duties.
98
00:07:12,087 --> 00:07:15,636
- Why are you being so heartless?
- I'll tell you.
99
00:07:15,807 --> 00:07:19,766
You encouraged me to break my programming
and ape human behaviour.
100
00:07:19,927 --> 00:07:24,045
But you're no better than l!
But worst of all,
101
00:07:24,207 --> 00:07:29,156
for four long years, I had to hand-scrub
the gussets of your longjohns!
102
00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:35,122
Now, unless you want
to be damned to Silicon Hell,
103
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:38,279
bring refreshments up to the cockpit, pronto!
104
00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:51,565
- What was the jolt?
- It's a mystery. Nothing on the scanners.
105
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:55,396
It was like an energy pocket. We're out now.
106
00:07:55,607 --> 00:07:59,122
I'll see if this phenomena
is mentioned in our databases.
107
00:07:59,287 --> 00:08:02,882
Tea up! Sorry I was so long.
108
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:06,357
Let me see that tray, please.
109
00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:09,405
- Why?
- That's, "Why, Mr Kryten, sir?"
110
00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:17,117
You call those triangular sandwiches?
Did you use a set square? I think not!
111
00:08:18,847 --> 00:08:21,407
And the chocolate finger display is laughable.
112
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,717
Don't just pile them higgledy-piggledy.
113
00:08:23,887 --> 00:08:27,516
Make them into an attractive
log cabin structure or something.
114
00:08:27,687 --> 00:08:31,885
This will not do.
Return to the galley and start again.
115
00:08:32,127 --> 00:08:36,325
OK...sir. This doesn't feel right.
Not right at all.
116
00:08:36,487 --> 00:08:38,682
What a charlatan. All these years...
117
00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:41,924
- Any ideas yet?
- Wait. Here's something.
118
00:08:42,087 --> 00:08:46,160
Reports of artificial stellar fogs
which contain reality minefields.
119
00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:49,205
- Reality what?
- Bubbles or pockets of unreality,
120
00:08:49,407 --> 00:08:54,561
which when encountered create false realities
designed to disorient and drive off looters.
121
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:58,476
- From what?
- It's a defence device fitted to test ships,
122
00:08:58,647 --> 00:09:04,005
which have prototype drives so awesome
in power that they have to be safeguarded.
123
00:09:04,207 --> 00:09:06,243
We crashed through an unreality pocket?
124
00:09:06,447 --> 00:09:12,317
Which created a false reality,
making us believe Mr Lister was... Oh, my.
125
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:24,882
- You mean he's not a...?
- No.
126
00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:28,037
- Tea up, sirs.
- Sir, I, er...
127
00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:32,246
What do you think of the picket fence?
128
00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:44,318
- I'm not happy with it. I'll do it again.
- Sir, may I see your arm?
129
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:50,595
Smeg! It looks normal, human!
130
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:52,997
Someone else tell him.
131
00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:55,920
I've got gussets to scrub.
132
00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:09,685
I wondered if you felt
like a nice cold beer, sir?
133
00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:12,680
Oh, sir, how many times can I apologise?
134
00:10:12,887 --> 00:10:17,005
I have offered to mince myself.
What more can I do?
135
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:21,126
Don't worry, I'll think of something,
probably involving a poker,
136
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:25,803
a recharge socket
and 4,000 volts of direct current.
137
00:10:26,007 --> 00:10:28,999
This fog's getting worse. I say reverse out.
138
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:33,365
I hate to agree with Laundry-Chute Nostrils,
but he has a point.
139
00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:37,042
Scanners are out,
and my smell range is practically zero.
140
00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:42,884
Starbug is small. We can make it through
without hitting any more unreality bubbles.
141
00:10:43,047 --> 00:10:46,357
Someone's gone to big trouble
to keep spacecraft out.
142
00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:49,758
- Let's find out why.
- But how can we guarantee...?
143
00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:51,639
(BOTH) We hit one!
144
00:10:51,847 --> 00:10:54,236
- That's what I said.
- Where's the Cat?
145
00:10:54,407 --> 00:10:57,319
- He's gone!
- I'm not gone! I'm here!
146
00:10:57,487 --> 00:11:01,685
- They erased him from existence.
- Then how come we remember him?
147
00:11:01,847 --> 00:11:04,645
- Who?
- I don't remember.
148
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:09,281
Hey, buds, don't do this to me!
You can't forget me!
149
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:13,201
I don't get this! An unreality pocket,
and everything's normal!
150
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:16,006
What do you mean? I'm invisible!
151
00:11:16,207 --> 00:11:19,244
It makes no sense. The three of us are here.
152
00:11:19,447 --> 00:11:25,920
The four of us! There's four of us!
Can't you hear me? Can't you feel me?
153
00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:28,880
We're getting some buffeting!
154
00:11:29,087 --> 00:11:31,647
Passing back into normal space.
155
00:11:33,167 --> 00:11:35,556
What are you doing?!
156
00:11:36,207 --> 00:11:38,846
- Can you see me?
- Of course I can.
157
00:11:39,007 --> 00:11:43,319
You all forgot who I was. It's weird here. Let's go.
158
00:11:43,527 --> 00:11:45,722
We just have to keep our heads.
159
00:11:49,927 --> 00:11:52,646
Boy! This is worse than triple-strength catnip!
160
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:56,639
The pockets are getting denser. We'll never...
161
00:11:56,847 --> 00:11:58,644
make it.
162
00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:05,846
- I can't take much more of this.
- Just ignore it.
163
00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:08,805
It's designed to make you feel disorientated.
164
00:12:08,967 --> 00:12:11,561
He's right. Let's just keep going.
165
00:12:13,847 --> 00:12:18,523
All ahead stop. We have to talk.
Kryten, how far to the epicentre?
166
00:12:18,727 --> 00:12:20,843
About another three days, sir.
167
00:12:21,047 --> 00:12:25,757
- OK, you win. Let's get outta here.
- Perhaps there is one possibility.
168
00:12:27,087 --> 00:12:31,638
That's it. I've installed a temporary
stasis seal on both deep sleep units.
169
00:12:31,847 --> 00:12:37,240
In theory, time will be frozen, and neither reality
nor unreality can penetrate.
170
00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:39,642
See you in three days.
171
00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:52,237
- Did we make it?
- We successfully penetrated the minefield.
172
00:12:52,407 --> 00:12:54,967
- We found the epicentre.
- What was it protecting?
173
00:12:55,127 --> 00:12:59,245
A derelict. According to the computer,
it's from the 28th century
174
00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:01,318
and capable of time travel?!
175
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:05,406
- Crew?
- All dead. This was the maiden voyage.
176
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:09,560
They contracted an influenza virus
on an excursion to the 20th century.
177
00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:12,799
Before they died,
they programmed the autopilot
178
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:17,279
and generated the minefield
to protect the machine from the wrong hands.
179
00:13:17,487 --> 00:13:21,958
Does this mean what I think it means?
We strip out the drive and...
180
00:13:22,127 --> 00:13:25,278
Bingo! We've got ourselves a time machine!
181
00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:27,637
Let's see if the sucker works.
182
00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:31,045
Sirs, choose a year.
183
00:13:31,207 --> 00:13:34,165
Since we can't guarantee this will work,
184
00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:37,876
I suggest we select a neutral time period.
185
00:13:38,047 --> 00:13:43,997
He's got a point. Let's go for somewhere
nice and safe and dull. How about 1422?
186
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:47,284
- How about 1421?
- What's the difference?
187
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:51,963
No difference. I just wanted it
to look like I was paying attention.
188
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,758
Load 1421, Kryten.
189
00:13:55,687 --> 00:14:00,078
1421 loaded, sir. August 17th.
Engaging the time drive.
190
00:14:05,327 --> 00:14:07,761
- Hey, we did it!
- Indeed we did.
191
00:14:07,927 --> 00:14:13,797
All chronometers indicate this is August 16th
in the year 1421 - just one day out.
192
00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:16,925
- Give us visual.
- OK, punching it up.
193
00:14:18,487 --> 00:14:21,559
I don't get it. We're still where we were.
194
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:27,683
Of course. We're still in deep space, sir,
only now it's deep space in the 15th century.
195
00:14:33,327 --> 00:14:34,919
Isn't it wonderful?
196
00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:37,885
So we're still three million years from Earth?
197
00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:40,163
Well, yes.
198
00:14:40,807 --> 00:14:44,561
- Taking her back to the present.
- Keyed in. Engaged.
199
00:14:47,647 --> 00:14:49,797
Forgive me if I'm being thicker
200
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:54,597
than the offspring
of a village idiot and a TV weathergirl,
201
00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:58,043
but what exactly
was the point of that exercise?
202
00:14:58,207 --> 00:15:03,042
Fun though it was drinking in the heady
medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance space,
203
00:15:03,207 --> 00:15:05,277
the drive is useless, yes?
204
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:09,446
For the moment, but should we ever
acquire a faster-than-light drive,
205
00:15:09,607 --> 00:15:12,838
we will have the combination
to travel anywhere, anywhen.
206
00:15:13,047 --> 00:15:16,084
- Picking up a craft.
- He's right. Here it comes.
207
00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:19,165
It's a Jupiter Mining Corporation call sign.
208
00:15:19,327 --> 00:15:24,924
Some kind of transport vehicle. Colour green,
life-forms four...craft name "Starbug"?
209
00:15:25,887 --> 00:15:28,845
Call me crazy,
but that sounds weirdly familiar.
210
00:15:29,407 --> 00:15:33,082
It's us, man. Us from the future.
Hey, incoming SOS message!
211
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:35,323
- Don't punch it up! Close comms!
- Why?
212
00:15:35,487 --> 00:15:39,321
That vessel almost certainly
contains our future selves.
213
00:15:39,487 --> 00:15:44,686
Contact could be devastating. The human brain
cannot cope with knowing its own future.
214
00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:49,039
Yeah, but obviously we're in major trouble,
otherwise we wouldn't show up.
215
00:15:49,247 --> 00:15:53,798
No, Kryten's right. It's too dangerous.
What if one of us is dead?
216
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:58,722
- Who could handle that?
- We all could if it was you.
217
00:15:58,887 --> 00:16:03,039
They're trying again.
We can't just hang them out to dry!
218
00:16:03,207 --> 00:16:06,199
Then suggest that I alone make contact.
219
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:10,042
I can give them assistance,
then erase my memory.
220
00:16:10,247 --> 00:16:15,367
Opening comms. Present Starbug calling
future Starbug. We are ready to communicate.
221
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:23,159
Well, how did it go? Everything OK?
222
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:25,557
Mr Lister, sir...
223
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:29,645
I love you!
224
00:16:29,847 --> 00:16:35,126
You know that, don't you? I'd hate you
to...go anywhere not knowing that, sir.
225
00:16:38,407 --> 00:16:41,717
So what's the SP? Can you tell us anything?
226
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:46,005
A little, sir. They are our future selves
from 15 years hence.
227
00:16:46,967 --> 00:16:49,003
(SOBS) What a senseless waste!
228
00:16:50,327 --> 00:16:52,477
Does something happen to me?
229
00:16:52,687 --> 00:16:58,045
All I can say is that their time drive
is faulty. They can only travel forwards.
230
00:16:58,207 --> 00:17:02,678
They jumped to this period
to copy some components from ours.
231
00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:07,085
So will I actually get to meet me?
My knees are jelly!
232
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:12,077
Nobody will be meeting anybody.
You must be sealed in the upper deck.
233
00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:14,676
- So when are they coming?
- Immediately.
234
00:17:14,847 --> 00:17:17,884
I'll serve your supper in the ops room.
235
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:21,357
I thought I'd whip up a curry
with jam roly-poly
236
00:17:21,527 --> 00:17:23,677
and a jug of chilled margarita.
237
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:27,038
- They're all my favourites!
- (SOBS) I know!
238
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,478
I thought we were out of tequila?
239
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:35,243
I put a miniature bottle aside, sir, for...
no particular reason.
240
00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:40,481
And I thought since today had...no special
significance, it would be appropriate to...
241
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:43,326
- Just go, Kryten!
- Thank you, sir.
242
00:17:43,527 --> 00:17:45,882
(KRYTEN SOBS)
243
00:17:49,447 --> 00:17:51,438
His favourite bowl.
244
00:17:53,087 --> 00:17:55,078
His little cup.
245
00:17:56,207 --> 00:18:00,564
The tin opener he used
to pick his ears clean with.
246
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,363
- Everything OK?
- Oh, yep, yep.
247
00:18:03,527 --> 00:18:05,757
Those darn onions get you every time!
248
00:18:06,647 --> 00:18:10,162
- What onions?
- Er, the onions I'm about to peel.
249
00:18:11,327 --> 00:18:14,399
I get emotional
about depriving onions of their skin.
250
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:19,036
Don't Nixon me, man! Tell me the truth.
251
00:18:19,207 --> 00:18:22,643
I die, don't l? I don't make it.
252
00:18:22,847 --> 00:18:28,444
I can only disclose that all four members
of the crew will be boarding this vessel.
253
00:18:28,647 --> 00:18:32,845
- But I'm not amongst them, right?
- One of them is Dave Lister.
254
00:18:33,007 --> 00:18:36,079
Now, excuse me. I've already said too much.
255
00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,715
I'm really confused now. So I survive?
256
00:18:38,927 --> 00:18:44,320
I can say no more. Please,
let us not squabble on this of all days.
257
00:18:44,527 --> 00:18:48,076
Careful with them chillies.
There'll be none left for tomorrow.
258
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:58,996
Look, there's nothing you can do. It's fate.
259
00:18:59,207 --> 00:19:04,235
Am I dead or alive?
lf I'm dead, how can I come on-board?
260
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:08,042
- What are you doing?
- Hacking into the security cameras.
261
00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:11,279
I'm rigging it up to the mediscan.
262
00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:14,120
When they board, I wanna see 'em.
263
00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:18,606
Docking complete. Opening airlock 4.
Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
264
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,159
Ah, Mr Rimmer, sir. Come in, come in.
265
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:40,039
Did we actually used to live like this?
What a godawful, depressing little hole.
266
00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:47,115
We're used to the good things in life now, bud.
267
00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:56,086
- Are you really me?!
- Will you look at him?
268
00:19:56,247 --> 00:19:58,363
Did I really look that goofy?
269
00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:02,526
What's on your head?
I hope you have a quarantine license.
270
00:20:03,247 --> 00:20:07,798
We're time travellers now, and our business
involves going back in history.
271
00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:12,916
I have to look incognito. I can't go around
looking like I've swapped heads
272
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,362
with a damaged crash dummy.
273
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:18,877
I think we're overstepping
the bounds of agreed conversation.
274
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:22,483
Is, um...? Mr Lister, did you bring him?
275
00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:29,515
Sir, you look terrific.
I was expecting something much worse.
276
00:20:29,727 --> 00:20:32,764
Don't worry about me, Kryts, I'm fine.
Absolutely dandy.
277
00:20:32,967 --> 00:20:35,481
Blow me! You've hardly changed at all.
278
00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:39,481
Had I not known about the accident,
I'd never have noticed.
279
00:20:41,487 --> 00:20:43,045
Yo! We're in.
280
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:47,160
Oh, my God! Look at Rimmer!
281
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,245
- I can't have changed. I'm a hologram.
- Wrong.
282
00:20:50,407 --> 00:20:53,126
You're two meals from being a sumo wrestler.
283
00:20:53,287 --> 00:20:55,278
- Let me see!
- Am I there?
284
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:57,478
- Oh, yes.
- What do I look like?
285
00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:02,926
I can't actually see. The light
is reflecting off the top of your head.
286
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,078
What are you talking about?
287
00:21:05,287 --> 00:21:08,120
(LAUGHS) You're as bald as a plucked chicken!
288
00:21:08,287 --> 00:21:12,166
- Let me see!
- Wait! I want to see if I'm there.
289
00:21:12,327 --> 00:21:16,286
I don't seem to be there.
It's just you two, Kryten...
290
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:22,318
- Oh, my God...
- What? What is it?
291
00:21:25,127 --> 00:21:27,641
Ooooh, dear!
292
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:32,917
What? Is he fat?
293
00:21:33,087 --> 00:21:35,078
Far from it.
294
00:21:35,247 --> 00:21:38,478
He's lost a bit of weight, actually.
295
00:21:38,647 --> 00:21:41,480
Actually, he's lost a bit of everything.
296
00:21:41,687 --> 00:21:46,158
- What do I do to end up like that?
- That is tragic.
297
00:21:46,327 --> 00:21:50,445
That is the saddest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
298
00:21:50,607 --> 00:21:56,762
What happened to my butt? Buddy,
you could park a plane in that crease.
299
00:21:56,927 --> 00:22:03,480
So you're fat and bald. That's what happens
when you get older. I'm a brain in a jar!
300
00:22:03,687 --> 00:22:06,485
Self, self, self, self, self!
301
00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:10,720
- What's going on?
- (KRYTEN) This is our only bottle of wine.
302
00:22:10,927 --> 00:22:13,600
We saved it for a special occasion.
303
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:16,486
And what could be more special than this?
304
00:22:18,167 --> 00:22:21,045
- To the future.
- To the past.
305
00:22:25,287 --> 00:22:28,359
- This is poison, bud!
- Haven't you anything better?
306
00:22:28,527 --> 00:22:30,916
- We're used to the best!
- We're epicures.
307
00:22:31,087 --> 00:22:34,841
We travel through history
enjoying the best time can offer.
308
00:22:35,047 --> 00:22:37,038
Dolphin sweetmeats, roast suckling elephant,
309
00:22:37,207 --> 00:22:41,200
baby seal hearts stuffed with dove p�t�.
Food fit for emperors!
310
00:22:41,407 --> 00:22:45,798
(LISTER'S BRAIN) We know the greatest figures
in history - the Habsburgs, the Borgias...
311
00:22:45,967 --> 00:22:49,676
Only last week, Louis XVI
threw a banquet in our honour.
312
00:22:49,847 --> 00:22:53,044
The man is a complete delight -
urbane, witty, charming...
313
00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:58,605
He was a despot who lived in obscene luxury
while the working classes starved.
314
00:22:58,807 --> 00:23:03,198
- We didn't see any of that.
- And his wife's an absolute cutie.
315
00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:07,280
They're our favourite hosts.
If you don't count the Hitlers.
316
00:23:07,487 --> 00:23:11,480
- The who?!
- If you avoid politics, they're a hoot.
317
00:23:11,687 --> 00:23:15,362
- You're friends with the Hitlers?!
- It's just a social thing.
318
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:19,361
We don't talk about his work.
We just have a few laughs
319
00:23:19,527 --> 00:23:22,325
and play mixed doubles with the Goerings.
320
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:26,600
- I don't believe what I'm hearing!
- You have to understand,
321
00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:31,636
we travel throughout history. Naturally,
we want to sample the best of everything.
322
00:23:31,847 --> 00:23:37,126
Unfortunately, the finest things tend
to belong to people judged to be a bit dodgy.
323
00:23:37,327 --> 00:23:39,682
Hermann Goering is "a bit dodgy"?!
324
00:23:39,887 --> 00:23:45,439
What has become of you? You've abandoned your
morals, been seduced by power and wealth.
325
00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:48,804
All you're interested in
is indulging your carnal desires.
326
00:23:49,007 --> 00:23:51,885
And have we got some stories about that!
327
00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:56,046
I don't recognise any of you.
You're just amoral self-serving scum,
328
00:23:56,207 --> 00:23:58,198
freeloading your way through history!
329
00:23:58,367 --> 00:24:02,485
Good grief! I can't believe
I was such a pompous prig.
330
00:24:02,687 --> 00:24:04,962
(EXPLOSION)
331
00:24:06,807 --> 00:24:11,642
OK. That's it.
You've got two minutes to get off this ship.
332
00:24:11,807 --> 00:24:16,801
I don't know how we became you,
but I sure won't help you.
333
00:24:17,007 --> 00:24:20,477
But we need to examine
your time drive's mass compactor.
334
00:24:20,687 --> 00:24:25,602
- That's one minute forty.
- He'd be killing himself. He won't do it.
335
00:24:25,807 --> 00:24:30,437
- What have I got to lose? I'm in a jar.
- Gentlemen, let's go.
336
00:24:30,647 --> 00:24:33,400
But without the calibration data,
we'll be stranded.
337
00:24:33,607 --> 00:24:35,962
- Fifty seconds.
- Let's go!
338
00:24:39,287 --> 00:24:44,486
You'll change your mind when you've thought
it through. You're destined to become us.
339
00:24:44,647 --> 00:24:47,036
In the end, you'll help us.
340
00:24:47,247 --> 00:24:49,442
Twenty seconds. Into the airlock.
341
00:25:03,367 --> 00:25:06,996
It was a mistake to see the future.
Our lives will be coloured
342
00:25:07,167 --> 00:25:11,046
by the fact that we end up
becoming people we despise.
343
00:25:11,207 --> 00:25:14,358
Threat warning. They've got a missile lock on us.
344
00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:17,240
- Our future selves are attacking us!
- They're nuts!
345
00:25:18,487 --> 00:25:21,445
- The gyroscope's out!
- They're trying to disable us!
346
00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:23,365
- Another lock!
- Incoming message!
347
00:25:23,527 --> 00:25:26,439
Gentlemen, we have no intention
of being deprived
348
00:25:26,607 --> 00:25:29,599
of the luxury the time drive provides.
349
00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:35,524
Either give us access to the data we require
or be blasted out of the sky.
350
00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:40,198
- But then you'll cease to exist.
- Better that than live like you,
351
00:25:40,367 --> 00:25:46,317
like rats trapped together, marooned
in deep space. Your answer, 30 seconds.
352
00:25:46,487 --> 00:25:49,081
- What do we do?
- Have we any chance?
353
00:25:49,287 --> 00:25:52,245
Their craft is greatly upgraded.
We have no chance.
354
00:25:52,447 --> 00:25:55,405
- Then I say fight!
- Mr Rimmer?!
355
00:25:55,607 --> 00:25:59,156
- Better dead than smeg!
- Yes! Cat?
356
00:25:59,327 --> 00:26:01,887
Better dead than sofa-size butt.
357
00:26:02,047 --> 00:26:04,766
- Kryten?
- Better anything than that toupee!
358
00:26:04,967 --> 00:26:08,437
- Shields up. Arming lasers.
- Bringing her around.
359
00:26:08,607 --> 00:26:10,996
- Target acquired.
- Locking on... Firing!
360
00:26:11,207 --> 00:26:13,926
- Direct hit!
- Starbug thrusters! Nice shooting, sir!
361
00:26:14,127 --> 00:26:17,005
- Bringing her round for desserts.
- They've got a lock!
362
00:26:17,207 --> 00:26:20,643
I'm going for the fuel tanks.
Locked on... Fire!
363
00:26:26,047 --> 00:26:28,038
- Mr Lister!
- Is he OK?
364
00:26:28,207 --> 00:26:32,359
- He's dead, sir!
- The hull's going. We'll all be dead.
365
00:26:36,647 --> 00:26:38,478
(RIMMER) Cat!
366
00:26:39,247 --> 00:26:41,363
Dead. But there may be...
367
00:26:44,047 --> 00:26:46,880
Kryten? Kryten?
368
00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:53,041
There may be a what? A way out of this?
369
00:26:53,207 --> 00:26:58,042
Speak, Kryten!
How can we change what's happening?
370
00:27:37,487 --> 00:27:40,877
It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
371
00:27:41,047 --> 00:27:44,278
I'm all alone, more or less
372
00:27:44,447 --> 00:27:47,564
Let me fly far away from here
373
00:27:47,727 --> 00:27:50,366
Fun, fun, fun
374
00:27:50,527 --> 00:27:54,315
In the sun, sun, sun
375
00:27:54,487 --> 00:27:57,604
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
376
00:27:57,767 --> 00:28:00,918
Drinking fresh mangojuice
377
00:28:01,087 --> 00:28:04,284
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
378
00:28:04,447 --> 00:28:07,166
Fun, fun, fun
379
00:28:07,327 --> 00:28:10,956
In the sun, sun, sun
380
00:28:11,127 --> 00:28:13,846
Fun, fun, fun
381
00:28:14,007 --> 00:28:18,046
In the sun, sun, sun
382
00:28:18,096 --> 00:28:22,646
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