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1
00:00:02,087 --> 00:00:04,999
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:39,517
(MUSIC: SULTRY JAZZ)
3
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Maybe it's the moonlight,
but you look pretty good for a corpse.
4
00:00:50,487 --> 00:00:54,162
- I can explain everything.
- Let me save you the trouble.
5
00:00:54,327 --> 00:00:57,876
You planned Pallister's murder,
but your sister squibbed him off.
6
00:00:58,047 --> 00:01:05,237
You took the rap, knowing you had an alibi
in me. You played me for the dumb sap I am.
7
00:01:05,407 --> 00:01:08,319
- It wasn't like that, not with you.
- Yeah?
8
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:10,995
So you going to turn me in?
9
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:14,796
Watch me do the sit-down dance
in the electric chair?
10
00:01:15,007 --> 00:01:18,204
No, sweet-lips. I'm gonna let you kiss me.
11
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:34,160
Sir, you should come and take a look at this.
12
00:01:36,287 --> 00:01:39,245
Sir, it really is quiet urgent.
13
00:01:39,407 --> 00:01:42,365
I want you, Loretta, your body next to mine,
14
00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:45,678
like you were that Tuesday night. Kiss me!
15
00:01:46,887 --> 00:01:49,117
Honestly!
16
00:01:49,287 --> 00:01:54,077
Honestly, you haven't been off
this machine in a month. Oh!
17
00:01:56,007 --> 00:01:58,396
Philip, I don't understand.
18
00:01:58,607 --> 00:02:03,442
It's simple, Loretta. This isn't real.
It's an AR computer simulation game.
19
00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:07,481
I hand you to the cops
and get the goody-goody heroine.
20
00:02:07,647 --> 00:02:11,526
I've played it before.
It's just that you drive me wild.
21
00:02:11,687 --> 00:02:15,441
- You're the sexiest computer sprite ever.
- Oh, Philip.
22
00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:18,679
- I don't care that you've killed three men.
- Five.
23
00:02:18,887 --> 00:02:21,959
Whatever.
It's not your fault. You're programmed.
24
00:02:22,127 --> 00:02:27,838
So you take me for what I am? A psychopathic,
schizophrenic, serial-killing femme fatale?
25
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:31,164
Forgive and forget, I say. Pucker up.
26
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:44,318
"Choose your character."
Oh, honestly! I just want to talk to him.
27
00:02:44,487 --> 00:02:49,163
Oh, anything...Sammy the Squib.
Crack shot with tommy-gun. Engage.
28
00:02:49,327 --> 00:02:51,761
Oh, it's so frivolous!
29
00:02:55,287 --> 00:02:57,323
Mr Lister, sir?
30
00:02:57,607 --> 00:03:00,246
Hmm, curious.
31
00:03:10,647 --> 00:03:13,480
Hi, Kryten. What are you doing here?
32
00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:19,444
I finished the chemical scan and discovered
traces of millennium oxide in the vicinity.
33
00:03:20,087 --> 00:03:22,123
Couldn't be happier. See you.
34
00:03:22,287 --> 00:03:26,644
Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally
into a rogue simulant hunting zone.
35
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:31,278
That would explain the devastation
on the derelicts where we found this game.
36
00:03:31,487 --> 00:03:34,160
Who is it? It's Sammy the Squib!
37
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:38,804
- Good evening, miss.
- Don't kill me, Sammy. Kill him.
38
00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:44,246
I'll come away with you.
I never stopped loving you. Kiss me.
39
00:03:45,047 --> 00:03:48,801
- You're trash, aren't you?
- I'm programmed to be trash.
40
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:52,403
I can't resist her, Kryten.
Get back in the car.
41
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:57,118
I only ever fall for heartbreakers
or moral garbage on legs.
42
00:03:57,327 --> 00:03:59,443
Sir, turn off the AR console.
43
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:03,122
We have to continue on silent running
to avoid detection.
44
00:04:03,287 --> 00:04:05,164
- Ten minutes.
- Sir.
45
00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:07,443
- I'll keep my hat on!
- Now!
46
00:04:09,247 --> 00:04:11,283
Philip?
47
00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:14,120
I'll be back, sweet-lips.
48
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,005
Stay bad.
49
00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:19,122
Kryten, you are a total gooseberry!
50
00:04:19,287 --> 00:04:24,919
Next time I play,
I'll give you money to go to the pictures.
51
00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:31,120
At last, we have silent running.
OK, long-range scanners are down.
52
00:04:31,287 --> 00:04:34,165
The only early warning we've got is you.
53
00:04:34,327 --> 00:04:37,603
OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.
54
00:04:43,607 --> 00:04:46,041
You took your time. Where've you been?
55
00:04:46,247 --> 00:04:48,397
- In the AR machine.
- Again?
56
00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:54,045
- What do you mean, "again"?
- You only use the AR machine to have sex.
57
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:57,927
- That is not true!
- Yes, true.
58
00:04:58,087 --> 00:05:02,205
It's pathetic
watching you grind away...day after day.
59
00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:05,757
You're like a dog
that's missing its master's leg.
60
00:05:05,927 --> 00:05:09,124
That groinal attachment's
supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee.
61
00:05:09,327 --> 00:05:15,004
- You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
- That is an outrageous piece of libel.
62
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:22,323
I don't just play the role-play games.
What about zero-G kickboxing and Wimbledon?
63
00:05:22,527 --> 00:05:26,236
You're having it off with that jailbait ballgirl.
64
00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:30,722
Another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.
65
00:05:31,687 --> 00:05:35,805
Lister, she's a computer sprite.
She's just a load of pixels.
66
00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:38,435
Yeah, but what pixels.
67
00:05:39,527 --> 00:05:43,076
- What's all the hullabaloo?
- We've wandered into rogue simulant country.
68
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:46,404
Biomechanical killers
created for a war that never took place.
69
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:48,603
Some escaped the dismantling programme
70
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:52,362
and prowl space searching
for quarry worthy of their mettle.
71
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:55,604
I say abandon pursuit of Red Dwarf and flee.
72
00:05:55,807 --> 00:05:58,196
Give up the chase? You're kidding?
73
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:01,598
- Wait. My nose is getting something.
- Powering up.
74
00:06:01,807 --> 00:06:06,005
- Scanners report a battle-class cruiser.
- It's rogue simulants, all right.
75
00:06:08,407 --> 00:06:10,762
Recommend immediate total surrender.
76
00:06:11,687 --> 00:06:16,556
Sir, surrender is the worst thing to do.
They despise all humanoid life.
77
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:19,565
They think you're the vermin of the universe.
78
00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:22,287
I didn't even know they'd met him.
79
00:06:24,887 --> 00:06:27,799
Getting a message. Punching it up.
80
00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:30,117
State your species and purpose.
81
00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:35,037
One of us will have to speak to them.
Who's the least human-looking?
82
00:06:35,207 --> 00:06:37,482
Listy, the mic's all yours.
83
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:41,484
Wait. I've got an idea. Stall them with static.
84
00:06:41,647 --> 00:06:43,797
Kryten, mid-section. Cat, you too.
85
00:06:46,527 --> 00:06:51,043
Why do you delay? State your species
and purpose. You have one minute.
86
00:06:51,207 --> 00:06:56,440
- What the hell are you doing?
- (LISTER) Nearly ready to transmit.
87
00:06:57,887 --> 00:07:01,197
- Incoming.
- (LISTER) I am Tarka Dall,
88
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:04,962
an ambassador
of the great Vindaloovian Empire.
89
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:08,477
Scanners reported human life
on your vessel. Is this so?
90
00:07:08,687 --> 00:07:13,078
Humans?! (SPITS)
The Vindaloovian people despise all humans.
91
00:07:13,247 --> 00:07:17,479
They are the vermin of the Universe.
Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?
92
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:19,638
(CAT) You bet. We hate them.
93
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:23,641
Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum! (SPITS)
94
00:07:23,807 --> 00:07:27,595
The Vindaloovian Empire
has pledged to exterminate them all.
95
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:35,038
- We won't rest until our task is completed.
- Er, Lister.
96
00:07:39,847 --> 00:07:42,919
- Hi.
- How's it going, bud?
97
00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:53,919
A human and a humanoid,
98
00:07:54,087 --> 00:07:59,002
a hologrammatical human
and a mechanoid who is a slave to humans.
99
00:07:59,207 --> 00:08:01,277
I hoped for so much more.
100
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:05,526
Whoever you are,
boarding us is an act of war.
101
00:08:05,687 --> 00:08:07,882
Ergo, we surrender.
102
00:08:10,127 --> 00:08:16,805
And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All
Nations Agreement, article 39436175880932/B.
103
00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:21,916
39436175880932/B?
104
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:26,996
"All nations attending the conference
are only allocated one parking space"?
105
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:31,957
Is that entirely relevant, sir?
I mean, here we are in mortal danger,
106
00:08:32,127 --> 00:08:35,961
and you're worried about the Chinese
delegates bringing two cars?
107
00:08:36,127 --> 00:08:41,281
Can't you let just one go? I meant the right
of POWs to non-violent constraint.
108
00:08:41,447 --> 00:08:44,200
That's 75880932/C, sir.
109
00:08:44,407 --> 00:08:47,160
It's embarrassing as much as anything else.
110
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:52,447
You're totally humiliating me in front
of this genocidal maniac. No offence.
111
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:58,399
Primitive. You will be no sport at all.
I have no alternative.
112
00:09:09,047 --> 00:09:12,164
- How long were we out?
- Navicomp says three weeks.
113
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:16,645
Strange. The drive interface
has been upgraded. So have the engines.
114
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,640
If this readout's correct,
we're armed. Laser cannons.
115
00:09:19,847 --> 00:09:21,883
They've upgraded the whole ship.
116
00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:25,921
They've even got rid
of the squeak on the seat control.
117
00:09:26,447 --> 00:09:32,238
We have made some improvements to your craft.
Now you may be of some small amusement.
118
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,836
You have two minutes before we attack.
119
00:09:35,527 --> 00:09:39,725
- Let's get out of here.
- I know this game, cat and mouse.
120
00:09:39,887 --> 00:09:43,197
There's only one way to win -
don't be the mouse.
121
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:46,040
- What you saying?
- The mouse never wins.
122
00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:49,358
Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.
123
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:53,835
Don't run. Strike.
It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
124
00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:59,485
No, the last thing they'll be expecting
is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses.
125
00:10:01,487 --> 00:10:03,717
Your plan makes as much sense.
126
00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:06,003
- I say go with it.
- Agreed.
127
00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:09,724
You're going with one of my plans?
128
00:10:09,887 --> 00:10:15,325
Are you nuts? What if we get killed?
I'll never hear the last of it!
129
00:10:20,927 --> 00:10:23,725
What are they doing? Power up the weapons.
130
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,485
- Nailed him!
- Hit.
131
00:10:25,687 --> 00:10:27,837
- Take them with us.
- Can't return fire.
132
00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:31,323
Hack into their navigation computer.
Transmit the Armageddon Virus.
133
00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:35,806
- What is it?
- The navicomp. Something's wrong!
134
00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:39,880
See you in Silicon Hell.
135
00:10:42,447 --> 00:10:45,757
Shutdown network.
The navicomp's been infected with a virus.
136
00:10:45,967 --> 00:10:48,765
The navicomp's frozen.
We're locked on this course!
137
00:10:48,927 --> 00:10:51,521
How long before we hit trouble?
138
00:10:51,727 --> 00:10:55,276
If trouble's a large moon in our path,
about 38 minutes.
139
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:59,400
Sir, I must contract the virus myself,
analyse its structure
140
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:03,446
and create an antidote
before it wipes out my program.
141
00:11:03,607 --> 00:11:05,643
Do I have your permission?
142
00:11:05,847 --> 00:11:08,407
Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted.
143
00:11:09,647 --> 00:11:13,117
- I have to create a dove program.
- Dove program?
144
00:11:13,327 --> 00:11:18,082
A dove program spreads peace
through the system, obliterating viral cells.
145
00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:20,446
I have it.
146
00:11:20,607 --> 00:11:22,677
The virus is extremely complex.
147
00:11:22,847 --> 00:11:26,078
I will have to dedicate all my run time.
148
00:11:26,247 --> 00:11:29,922
Shutting down all non-essential systems.
149
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:32,237
Is there anything we can do?
150
00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:34,637
Watch my dreams.
151
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:46,002
- Twenty-three minutes to impact. Any change?
- Getting worse. Weaker and weaker.
152
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:50,206
Look, we can't all get out of this in one piece.
153
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:53,757
- If we do, it'll be one big flat piece.
- And?
154
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:57,078
We should decide
who takes the one-man escape pod.
155
00:11:57,247 --> 00:11:59,442
- How?
- If you bear with me,
156
00:11:59,607 --> 00:12:04,078
I think I've devised a fair system
of choosing who survives.
157
00:12:04,247 --> 00:12:08,684
It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness...
158
00:12:08,847 --> 00:12:11,600
To cut a long story short, it's me.
159
00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:15,083
I was as stunned as you are
and demanded a recount.
160
00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:18,045
But it came out as me again!
161
00:12:18,407 --> 00:12:21,205
- Keys?
- The escape pod isn't an option.
162
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:24,404
- Why not?
- It escaped last Thursday.
163
00:12:25,607 --> 00:12:31,239
I was having a few beers and used
the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
164
00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:34,365
- Whoosh!
- That's it, then. We're finished!
165
00:12:34,527 --> 00:12:37,121
Wait. We're getting something.
166
00:12:40,247 --> 00:12:43,125
(HONKY-TONK PIANO)
167
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,997
(CA T) What is this?
168
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:55,480
(LISTER) I think we've tapped directly into
whatever passes for Kryten's subconscious.
169
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:59,845
(CA T) Why is he a sheriff
in some old western?
170
00:13:00,807 --> 00:13:04,277
(LISTER) Must be how
his core program is coping.
171
00:13:04,487 --> 00:13:09,766
For whatever reason, it's converted
the struggle into some kind of dream.
172
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,205
Well, well, well, Sheriff.
173
00:13:13,407 --> 00:13:19,926
Fancy seeing a man of your sober disposition
in a low-down drinking establishment.
174
00:13:21,127 --> 00:13:25,564
Now, boys. I don't want any trouble.
Just doing my rounds.
175
00:13:26,087 --> 00:13:28,681
(LAUGHTER)
176
00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:33,196
You shouldn't oughta have done that.
177
00:13:36,687 --> 00:13:38,678
Try it, Sheriff.
178
00:13:38,847 --> 00:13:44,558
They say you used to be faster
than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.
179
00:13:44,727 --> 00:13:49,278
Sorry, I tripped over your boot there.
Didn't mean any harm by it.
180
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:55,756
Give me two fingers of your best sipping
liquor, and make it the smooth stuff.
181
00:13:55,927 --> 00:14:00,159
The stuff where you get your eyesight back
after two days.
182
00:14:00,327 --> 00:14:03,558
The Apocalypse Boys is here.
183
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:06,042
They's asking for you, Sheriff.
184
00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:09,357
I'll be right out.
185
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:23,882
Ah, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure, sirs.
186
00:14:27,487 --> 00:14:31,560
Name's Death. These here are my brothers.
187
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,803
Brother War...
188
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,998
Brother Famine...
189
00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:39,921
and Brother Pestilence.
190
00:14:40,127 --> 00:14:44,166
You seem like nice boys.
How can I be of service?
191
00:14:51,487 --> 00:14:55,844
We want your sorry ass out of here.
You got one hour.
192
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:12,286
He's losing the battle.
His life signs are barely registering.
193
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:18,437
Isn't there some way we can turn ourselves
into tiny electronic people and get in there?
194
00:15:18,607 --> 00:15:22,077
Isn't there some gizmo someplace
that can do that?
195
00:15:22,247 --> 00:15:24,442
And if not...why not?!
196
00:15:24,647 --> 00:15:28,401
Look, we've all got something
to bring to this discussion.
197
00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:33,118
- The thing you should bring is silence.
- No, no, no.
198
00:15:35,527 --> 00:15:39,520
- I think he's got something.
- Twice in one lifetime?
199
00:15:39,687 --> 00:15:41,837
When you're hot, you're hot!
200
00:15:42,447 --> 00:15:46,599
If we link up the artificial reality console
to Kryten's mind,
201
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:50,919
we should be able to project directly
into his dream state.
202
00:15:51,127 --> 00:15:54,563
- Without even leaving the room.
- What about me?
203
00:15:54,727 --> 00:15:59,801
We'll power up your hard light drive.
Come on. Let's get these wagons rolling.
204
00:16:03,247 --> 00:16:08,401
There. I've loaded in some characters
from an AR western game. Choose a player.
205
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:10,717
- Two.
- You're the Riviera Kid.
206
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,003
Special skills, ace gunslinger.
207
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:15,759
- Rimsy?
- Uno.
208
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:22,520
One. Dangerous Dan McGrew.
Special skills, barefist fighting.
209
00:16:24,847 --> 00:16:29,523
Which leaves me
with Brett Riverboat, knife man.
210
00:16:29,767 --> 00:16:35,319
- And we definitely can't get hurt?
- No, you can get out at any time.
211
00:16:35,487 --> 00:16:41,005
There's a button inside the glove.
When you want to get out, just clap.
212
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,284
OK, Riviera? OK, Dangerous?
213
00:16:44,447 --> 00:16:47,280
Let's mosey on into town.
214
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:54,361
(WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)
215
00:17:15,047 --> 00:17:20,440
I've seen westerns. I know how
to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.
216
00:17:26,127 --> 00:17:30,086
Dry white wine and Perrier, please.
And you chaps?
217
00:17:30,247 --> 00:17:34,365
What westerns have you seen?
"Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid"?
218
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:38,315
Leave this to me. This sounds like one for...
219
00:17:38,527 --> 00:17:40,597
(MEXICAN ACCENT) ..the Riviera Kid.
220
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,962
(FLAMENCO GUITAR)
221
00:17:43,127 --> 00:17:45,687
Senorita, three tequila, por favor.
222
00:17:45,887 --> 00:17:50,085
- What?
- Three shots of gulping whisky, ma'am.
223
00:18:01,607 --> 00:18:07,125
- (CROAKS) Mighty smooth.
- I was expecting a little more kick to it.
224
00:18:07,327 --> 00:18:10,160
I don't suppose you've got any ginger ale?
225
00:18:10,327 --> 00:18:13,046
I'll take that as a no, then.
226
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,156
(RETCHES)
227
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:37,040
A man beans up in the hat
of Bear Strangler McGee,
228
00:18:37,207 --> 00:18:42,406
he's either mighty brave
or mighty stupid. Which are you, boy?
229
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:45,121
Sorry, what were the choices again?
230
00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:50,242
You'll have to forgive our friend,
he's a gunman short of a posse.
231
00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:54,523
That pays for the hat. What about the insult?
232
00:18:54,727 --> 00:18:57,764
OK. You're a fat, bearded git.
233
00:18:57,967 --> 00:19:01,323
Take the lot.
Rimmer, what is wrong with you?
234
00:19:01,487 --> 00:19:06,561
Relax. You said yourself, no one can hurt us.
Besides, you're forgetting...
235
00:19:06,727 --> 00:19:11,403
(AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm Dangerous Dan
McGrew, barefist fighter extraordinaire.
236
00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:20,919
Lola, all my valuables are in this box.
You can have it for a bottle of mind-rotter.
237
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:27,600
- You're trading in your shooting irons?
- No use to me. I got the shakes bad.
238
00:19:27,807 --> 00:19:31,356
- Carrots?
- I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.
239
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:34,479
Mr Sad Git or what?
240
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,958
Kryten, it's us, man.
241
00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:41,482
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
242
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,764
Don't you know who we are, why you're here?
243
00:19:44,927 --> 00:19:49,205
You're fighting an electronic virus.
You're trying to create a dove program,
244
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,881
a software antidote to wipe it out.
245
00:19:52,047 --> 00:19:54,686
- I'll drink to that.
- Listen, hooch-head.
246
00:19:54,847 --> 00:19:58,806
The virus is winning.
You've gotta start fighting it.
247
00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:04,156
Want a drink, Sheriff? Come and take one.
248
00:20:04,327 --> 00:20:07,399
Now, there's no need to make me look foolish.
249
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:11,805
Come on, Sheriff. Jump!
You can get higher than that!
250
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:14,197
Leave him alone!
251
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:17,518
Just having a little fun, Mr Swankypants.
252
00:20:17,847 --> 00:20:24,195
The name's Brett Riverboat, knife man.
Let's see how good you are.
253
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:31,686
Son of a....
254
00:20:38,967 --> 00:20:42,960
Frank, Luke, line his lungs with lead.
255
00:20:46,327 --> 00:20:49,399
- Who the heck are you?
- Call me the Kid.
256
00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:52,206
- The Riviera Kid.
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)
257
00:20:52,407 --> 00:20:56,923
Well, let's see if your shooting
is as fancy as your dancing.
258
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,645
He shot the bullets out of the air!
259
00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:16,756
Well, it's been dandy meeting you,
but if I'm not gone by sun up,
260
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:20,198
buzzards will be fighting lizards
for my gizzards.
261
00:21:20,407 --> 00:21:22,762
If he leaves, we're dead. Stop him!
262
00:21:36,527 --> 00:21:38,518
Vamonos, muchachos.
263
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,200
- Marvellous!
- Hey, buddy!
264
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,358
Hold it! You gotta stay!
265
00:21:45,527 --> 00:21:49,042
- This is a job for the Riviera Kid!
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)
266
00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:55,995
(CLUNK)
267
00:21:58,727 --> 00:22:02,686
Boys, I've got to leave. It's ten to Death.
268
00:22:02,887 --> 00:22:07,165
We've got ten minutes to sober him up
and get him in shape. Come on.
269
00:22:11,647 --> 00:22:16,084
- Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.
- Two more bowls.
270
00:22:16,247 --> 00:22:18,841
But I am sober. Honest!
271
00:22:19,007 --> 00:22:24,365
- OK, who are you and why are you here?
- I'm a robot fighting this virus.
272
00:22:24,527 --> 00:22:29,317
None of this exists,
except for you guys, who do exist,
273
00:22:29,487 --> 00:22:32,957
only you're not really here,
you're on some spaceship.
274
00:22:33,127 --> 00:22:36,915
If that's gotta make sense,
I don't want to be sober!
275
00:22:37,087 --> 00:22:42,525
I got his guns back. Look, they've got doves
carved on them. And check this...
276
00:22:43,447 --> 00:22:48,760
- There's no place for the bullets.
- This is it. The answer's in these guns.
277
00:22:48,927 --> 00:22:52,681
- Doves. Dove program.
- I don't know.
278
00:22:52,847 --> 00:22:55,839
- I really don't know.
- (CLOCK CHIMES)
279
00:22:56,007 --> 00:23:02,765
Wait, something's coming back now. You, sir,
when I look at you I get an image of curry
280
00:23:02,927 --> 00:23:06,840
and early morning breath
that could cut through bank vaults.
281
00:23:07,007 --> 00:23:11,444
You, sir...there's something familiar
about you too. I get a name.
282
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,043
(STAMMERS) Smee... Smeeee...heeeeee.
283
00:23:15,967 --> 00:23:17,320
- Smeghead?
- That's it!
284
00:23:17,487 --> 00:23:19,762
He remembers me.
285
00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:22,361
Do the guns mean anything to you?
286
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:25,041
Something. They mean something.
287
00:23:25,207 --> 00:23:29,166
- If only I had more time.
- Psst! Company.
288
00:23:53,367 --> 00:23:55,483
Got yourself a little help, Sheriff?
289
00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:58,155
Now I remember. You're a computer virus,
290
00:23:58,327 --> 00:24:01,842
travelling from machine to machine,
overwriting the core program.
291
00:24:02,647 --> 00:24:08,324
Have infection, will travel.
Let's tip the balance a little here.
292
00:24:15,247 --> 00:24:17,238
What is he doing?
293
00:24:18,407 --> 00:24:22,525
He's stalling.
He's spotted us for what we are -
294
00:24:22,687 --> 00:24:29,126
a bunch of mean, macho, bad-ass desperados
who are gonna kick his butt across the Pecos.
295
00:24:29,327 --> 00:24:31,921
(SPITS) Enjoy the show.
296
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:42,761
Who's got the guts to go
with me one on one, mano a mano?
297
00:24:45,807 --> 00:24:48,367
- Cover him.
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)
298
00:24:50,327 --> 00:24:52,795
Damn, I lost my special skills.
299
00:25:07,727 --> 00:25:10,002
(CLATTER)
300
00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:16,003
Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit.
We've lost our special skills.
301
00:25:16,887 --> 00:25:21,438
Ah, Mr War, due to circumstances
completely beyond my control,
302
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:24,883
there's been a cock-up
in the bravado department.
303
00:25:27,007 --> 00:25:30,682
I may have appeared braver
than I actually am.
304
00:25:30,847 --> 00:25:33,122
Exit! Exit!
305
00:25:45,727 --> 00:25:48,764
- We're sealed in!
- Get the helmets off!
306
00:25:51,527 --> 00:25:53,324
It won't move!
307
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,043
The clasp at the back.
308
00:26:00,567 --> 00:26:03,400
I got one of my gloves off!
309
00:26:05,527 --> 00:26:07,916
- And a boot too.
- Oh, brilliant!
310
00:26:08,087 --> 00:26:10,965
Now you're paralysed
down your left-hand side.
311
00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:14,403
- Me nose!
- I got it.
312
00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:17,206
- You're pulling me nose off!
- Here it comes!
313
00:26:26,927 --> 00:26:30,681
We'll cut you up so small
the worms won't have to chew.
314
00:26:30,887 --> 00:26:34,846
You can't frighten me.
I'm always scared. Lister!
315
00:26:37,327 --> 00:26:39,795
- What now?
- It's down to Kryten.
316
00:26:40,727 --> 00:26:44,436
Well, Sheriff. Now it's just little old you.
317
00:26:44,607 --> 00:26:50,284
I'm not afraid. My friends have bought me
enough time to complete the antidote.
318
00:26:50,447 --> 00:26:53,598
Now, if you'll forgive the rather
confrontational imperative,
319
00:26:53,767 --> 00:26:56,600
go for your guns, you scum-sucking molluscs.
320
00:27:09,807 --> 00:27:12,367
I did it! I created an antidote.
321
00:27:12,527 --> 00:27:15,121
Two minutes to impact. Come on!
322
00:27:26,367 --> 00:27:28,835
- How long will it take?
- A few seconds.
323
00:27:29,007 --> 00:27:32,044
- How long to impact?
- Just a few seconds.
324
00:27:32,207 --> 00:27:35,358
- Loading. It's in the navicomp.
- Eight seconds... Seven...
325
00:27:35,527 --> 00:27:37,802
- Nearly there.
- Five... Four...
326
00:27:37,967 --> 00:27:40,606
- Three... Two...
- We're not going to make it!
327
00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:43,759
- (CAT) Impact!
- (CRASH)
328
00:27:53,967 --> 00:27:57,516
(ALL) Yeeeeeeeee-aaaaah!
329
00:28:01,407 --> 00:28:05,195
(WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)
330
00:28:05,245 --> 00:28:09,795
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