All language subtitles for Red Dwarf s06e02 1Legion.eng

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Ten o'clock changeover. Anything to report?

We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir,
almost 24 hours behind.

Otherwise, it's been a moderately quiet shift,

except for one small shock when we noticed
an alien fleet off the starboard bow.

Thankfully, it turned out to be one
of Mr Lister's sneezes on the radar screen.

- How are we fuel-wise?
- Unchanged for today, sir.

However, the supply situation
grows increasingly bleak.

We've recycled the water so often,
it tastes like Dutch lager.

- We're OK for food, aren't we?
- Confidentially, sir, no.

We've no meat, no pulse and little grain.

Worse still, the only Liquorice Allsorts left
are the twisty ones that everybody hates.

What's more,
space weevils ate the last of the corn.

So what's under the grill?

Space weevil.

You can't serve space weevil, Kryten.

Not even Lister with his single remaining
taste bud will eat insectoid vermin.

Let's face it, it's practically cannibalism.

But it's incredibly nutritious, sir.
After all, it is corn-fed.

- He'll never eat it.
- Trust me. The first bite is with the eye.

It's all down to presentation.

Et voila!

- Changeover. Anything new?
- Nothing much.

Electrical storm, alien war fleet -
false alarm - the usual stuff.

Look at the state of this place!
Why can't you clean up before we swap over?

What the hell is this
down the back of my chair? Peanuts?

No, I've been trimming my verrucas.

You have personal habits
that would make a monkey blush!

You really think I'm psychotically
disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?

Real peanuts? Where'd you get them?

That derelict a couple of months back.
I found them in the dead captain's jacket.

Don't look like that. You enjoyed that mint.

- Where d'you get that?
- He was sucking that when he got shot.

I had to prise his jaws open.

You think I'll buy
anything you say, don't you?

Well, wrong, buddy! Now get outta here.

I gotta keep my eyes skinned for the asteroid
shaped like a moose you told me about.

- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Supper, sir, and tonight's movie.

I'm sorry, sir, it is another Doug McClure.

- What's this?
- Sir?

Raw carrot?

Kryten, you know
how I feel about fresh vegetables.

They're for health psychos, vitamin freaks,
people...who exercise.

I'm sorry, sir.

- Is everything OK, sir?
- No, it's not.

Some smegger's filled in
this "Have you got a good memory?" quiz.

That was you, sir, last week.

- Was it?
- Mmm. Look.

Nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F".

I can't help it. I went to art college.

- How's supper, Listy?
- Delicious. We had king prawn left?

I hate to go all technical, but swirly thing alert!

- Where?
- It's not on the radar, but I smell it.

- Nothing here.
- Nothing on long range.

Is it possible
you could have made a mis-smelling?

Listen, butter pat head,

my nostril hairs are vibrating faster than
the springs on a Spaniard's honeymoon bed!

- I'm telling you, something's out there!
- No one's questioning your nasal integrity.

- Go to Blue Alert.
- There's no one to alert. We're all here.

I would feel more comfortable if we're all
on our toes in a Blue Alert situation.

- We all ARE on our toes.
- What about Space Core Directive 34124?

34124 - "No officer with false teeth
should attempt oral sex in zero gravity."

Damn you both! I want to go to Blue Alert!

OK, OK.

Thank you. A bit of professionalism.

Wait! I've got something.

Too small for a vessel. A missile?

Whatever it is, they clearly have
technology way in advance of our own.

So do the Albanian State
Washing Machine Company.

- Step up to Red Alert!
- Are you sure?

It does mean changing the bulb.

There's always some excuse, isn't there?

Range 15,000 gigooks and closing.

- Collision course. Suggest evasive action.
- Engaging re-heat.

It's still with us!
It's some kind of heat-seeker!

That's it. We're deader than tank tops.

Suggestions?

Sir, I recommend I load myself
into the reverse-thrust tubes

and you use me as decoy fodder.

This will leave me splattered across space
and unable to complete today's laundry,

for which I apologise in advance.

Stop blathering and get in the tube.

Kryten, sit down.

I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.

Maybe we can reason with it.
Open communication channels, Lister.

Broadcast on all known frequencies,
and in all known languages, including Welsh.

This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer

of the Jupiter Mining Corporation
transport vehicle Starbug.

Now hear this, 'cause it's only coming once.

We surrender, totally and without condition.
Thank you for listening.

Oh, additional. Sorry to take up
your valuable time. Thank you. Bye.

Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Bye.

Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak
than a stampede of diuretic camels.

Know this about me - like General
George S Patton, I believe in reincarnation.

It is my conviction that
in all my previous lives I've been a soldier,

a bold warrior soul, who in this incarnation
has been given the body of an abject coward.

So excuse me while I have a humiliating
panic attack under the scanner table.

- Here it comes!
- Five gigooks to impact.

Hang on to your wage packets!

The controls are down!

- What on lo was that?
- A suction beam. We're being dragged down.

- Fire up the retros.
- Dead.

- Auxiliary power?
- Dead.

- Joystick?
- Dead.

The entire panel's deader
than flares with pockets in the knees!

I've located the beam's source.

- What have we got?
- We were snared

by a malfunctioning guidance beam
designed to help docking supply ships.

- We've shut it down and can leave.
- Anyone around?

- No life signs.
- The ident computer is stubborn.

All I could get was something
about classified military research.

Wouldn't give details,
but the physicists involved -

Heideger, Davro, Holder, Quayle -
the most brilliant minds of the 23rd century.

Whatever they were cooking up
must have been pretty special.

- Anything to salvage?
- There must be something.

Well, gentlemen, our strategy is clear.
Let's tool up and go shopping.

- What? Anything?
- I'm not sure. Something.

It's almost off my nasal spectrum.

(WHOOSH)

- (RAPID BLEEPING)
- Strange. A life reading.

Why didn't it register before?

(URBANE VOICE) Welcome, friends. It has been
many centuries since I last had visitors.

You, of course, are Kryten.

And you are Rimmer, the hologram. May l?

Now then... Yes, of course.

Primitive.

So basic.

You'd better have a mighty
damn fine explanation, m'laddio.

Forgive me. I converted your projection unit
from soft light to hard light.

Hard light?

I've got a body? I can touch? Feel?

Puncture repair kit on standby, sir.

- But how?
- I created the hard light drive years ago.

My mind is not all that it once was.

- You are Lister.
- How come you know who we are?

- You are in pain. Here.
- Just a bit of Bangalore belly.

No. It is something more serious. May l?

OK.

Your appendix.

As I thought,
you were on the verge of peritonitis.

Cheers, man.

- And you are the Cat.
- You come near me,

you'll be wearing them bowels
as a bobble hat.

You're all tired and in need
of nourishment. Come, let us dine.

- What is your name?
- Call me...Legion.

- (CHAMBER MUSIC)
- Please, make yourselves comfortable.

Legion, these statues,
you sculpted them yourself?

Years ago. I was a different person.

According to my connoisseur chip, they fulfil
all ten requirements for being masterpieces.

- You have a connoisseur chip?
- Looking like Herman Munster's stunt man

doesn't mean I can't appreciate art.

- I shall return with the feast.
- Can I eat? I mean, in this body?

Mr Rimmer,
you can do anything a human can do,

plus you are practically indestructible.

- I can't be hurt?!
- Your pain responses remain the same,

but you cannot come to harm.

Excuse me.

His cellular structure is unique -
part living tissue, part mechanical.

He's got to come with us.
He'd get us to Earth in weeks!

What a team we'd make. Legion, with his
scientific genius, intellect and culture,

and us with...with...

With our Red Alert bulb.

Let's head for Real Street here.
This Johnny won't come with us.

He'd never fit in. Can you see him playing
"pin the pointy stick on the weather girl"?

True, but once he's signed up
and we're off, it'll be too late.

We have to pretend
we're not the uncouth morons you are.

Here is the feast. It is a traditional
24th-century Mamosian banquet.

How absolutely divine, Legion.
Although I must say,

our souls are already gorged
with the feast of art on your walls.

Are you interested in art, Mr Rimmer?

Many's the night we while away the wee hours
contemplating a Caravaggio's themes and form.

The pointy-stick game doesn't get a look-in.

Marvellous! Now, this three-dimensional
sculpture in particular is quite exquisite.

Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines.

- What do you call it?
- The light switch.

- The light switch.
- Yes.

- I couldn't buy it, then?
- Not really.

I need it to turn the lights on and off.

It's a pity, because in many ways
it could be considered a masterpiece.

Kryten, please join us. Mamosian cuisine
is quite acceptable for mechanoids.

Indeed. It has long been a dream of mine
to sample its unique flavours.

Let the meal begin.

I'm sorry. Of course. Not all of you
can use Mamosian anti-matter chopsticks.

I'm fully versed, Legion.

I'm programmed to be proficient
in all off-world eating techniques,

including Jovian boogle hoops, and the
often-lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon.

- But the others...
- Anti-matter chopsticks?

- We use 'em all the time.
- Can't remember what a fork looks like.

Don't let custard stains down Lister's long johns

delude you
into thinking we're not sophisticated.

The trick is, of course,
to never, ever, under any circumstances,

to allow live sticks to touch.

But, of course, we all know that.

- Well, bon appetite. Tuck in, Listy.
- No, no. After you, man.

Wouldn't hear of it.

Sir, keep the electron flow
in the same direction.

How do you land the damn stuff?

Simply invert the ionic phase
in the downpulse.

I was with you up to "simply".

Like so.

Sir, the glass is fixed.
It's Mamosian telekinetic wine.

- How do you drink it?
- Simply will it into your mouth,

then you telepathically
decide on its flavour. Thusly...

Ah! Delicious.

Kryten, help me!

- Cat, that's mine!
- I can't help it, bud!

- We've crossed wavelengths!
- You're pulling my teeth out!

- Try swallowing it!
- I have! Three times!

My friends, you are trying
to impress me. There's no need.

Legion, may I be frank?

It's not often we meet an individual who
could improve our already top-notch team.

But in you, we feel we have. In our travels,
we've met precisely 31 individuals,

and we've never felt moved
to invite one to join our crew.

True, most of them wanted
to suck out our brains

or erase us from history altogether.

Nevertheless, they still weren't
what we would consider the right stuff.

You are different. We feel that you, like us,

have the courage and the dignity
to make it as a Dwarfer.

Sir! Don't cross the chopsticks!

Mr Rimmer, I am moved
by the eloquence of your invitation,

but it is quite impossible for me
to leave the institute.

- It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off.
- Nothing can change your mind?

- Absolutely.
- Then we must bid you farewell.

- We have a long journey ahead.
- Nonsense.

You have no journey, my friends.

I insist you stay with me
as my honoured guests,

from now until the day you die.

Thirty-two.

- This will be your cell, Dave.
- My cell.

You really are a nutter, aren't you?

Sugar Puff sandwiches, me favourite?

Nothing here isn't to your liking.

The entire room is stocked
for your own unique personal requirements.

Two dozen eight-packs
and a spare pair of sneakers in the icebox.

- Faultless. Not an inch wasted.
- All your favourite music and movies.

Absolutely no Doug McClure.

- You will want for nothing.
- Nothing? What about company? People?

There is a cyberpark here.
You may go to any time period

and indulge any fantasy you wish
with any persons you desire.

And that's in some way
supposed to make me happy?

S-Sorry, run that by me one more time?

You will meet your companions in the morning.

(SLOWLY) Now, you must excuse me.
They are falling asleep. I must go.

(FLAT CHORD)

Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

- Good morning, sir.
- What does he want?

Why is he obsessed with fulfilling our desires?

We're all baffled, sir.
Was your room also perfect in every detail?

Impeccable. Right down to the overstarched
pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves.

- What about you?
- Filthy walls, muddy floors, mop...

I was in hog's heaven, sir!

When I write my "Good Psycho Guide",
this place'll get raves.

Accommodation, excellent. Food, first-class.

Resident nutter, courteous and considerate.

Psycho rating's gotta be
four and a half chainsaws.

Sirs, we must not be seduced.

However munificent our captor,
we are still prisoners.

Every second,
we lose more ground on Red Dwarf.

You're right, Kryt. Cat, caviar niblet.

Buck's Fizz.
How do we get out of this hellhole?

Why is he so keen on keeping us happy?

- Could our well-being be linked to his own?
- Like he's feeding off our emotions?

When we arrived,
the scans recorded no life signs.

Could our very presence here
have inadvertently awoken him?

Wait. I think I've got a way
of getting out of here.

Who's seen "Revenge of the Surfboarding
Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?

That one slipped us by, sir.

Well, in one scene, the female journalist
who wore glasses and a tight sweater

was trapped in the surfboarding
killer bikini vampire girls' lair

and came up with this truly
award-winning escape plan.

Ah, Legion. We have considered our position

and decided to make a new life here with you.

You believed I'd be deceived
by that schlock plan

from "Revenge of the Surfboarding
Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?!

(GUTTURAL ROAR)

I just want you to be happy.

(ROARS)
Now look what you made me do.

- What the hell are you, buddy?
- Kryten knows.

- I do?
- You suspect the truth.

You are a gestalt entity, a combination
of individuals melded together to form one?

My name is Legion, for we are many.

What? You're us? All four of us?

Our combined minds
and personalities, blended together?

Oh, much more than that,
exponentially more.

The whole becomes far greater
than the sum of its parts.

So we can't leave because you're us?
lf we leave, you cease to be.

Without you, my friends,
I am quite literally nothing.

So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?

- Wrong.
- But this is insane. Our pain is your pain.

Kryten, you forget. Not only
do I possess your combined intellects,

I also share the sum of your malice
and rage and anger, magnified many times.

I'm capable of quite insanely
irrational behaviour. Watch.

(ALL WAIL IN PAIN)

The next hint of insurrection,
and the scalpel ends up...here.

That kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.

(OTHERS) Yes, it does!

But what about
the sculptures and the technology?

- Where does that come from?
- My first incarnation.

I was host to Earth's five most brilliant minds.

They were studying collective intelligence.
I was the product of that research.

Heideger, Quayle and the others?
Your mind must have been extraordinary!

But all too soon, old age began to kill them,
and as each one died, I became less,

until I was nothing, just a mindless essence,

swirling around the remnants
of my achievements, waiting to exist again.

- One thing still baffles me.
- What's that?

- Everything.
- Sir, permission to test a supposition..

- Granted.
- Trust me, sir.

- What's going down here?
- The gestalt requires our consciousness.

As each of us becomes unconscious, his power
diminishes. Permission to lay you out?

- Just don't mess up my hair.
- Thank you.

Kryten, there has to be
a more effective plan.

- Sir, come back.
- I'm allergic to being hit.

You won't feel a thing. I'll render you
unconscious using the lonian nerve grip.

That's smashing me over the head with a vase!

There's no such thing
as an lonian nerve grip. Now stand still!

Your hard light drive's tougher
than vindalooed mutton!

- This'll do the trick.
- You can't be serious?!

Harder! Harder! Harder!

Stop! Stop! For God's sake! lf you want a job
doing properly, do it yourself!

Stop!

Stop, Kryten! Clearly, I'm a hard light
hologram and as such un-knockoutable.

- I think you're right, sir.
- Kryten!

- I thought that if I took you unawares...
- Kryten!

I'm trying to think,
you rubber-headed eunuch!

- Right, got it. Turn off my light bee.
- I can't penetrate hard light.

You'll have to extract it yourself.

- Now we are even.
- I am merely you. Stalemate.

Not so. Since your psyche is all mine,
you are now incapable of malice.

And because a human life takes precedence,

you are compelled
to assist our safe passage to Starbug.

While the others remain unconscious,
your logic is impeccable.

(GROANS)

(CLUNK)

- You take Cat, I'll take Mr Lister.
- In many ways, I'm relieved.

To have shared their psyches,
neuroses and strange drives,

returning to a state of non-existence
seems like promotion.

One last thing, in your original incarnation,
composed of those great minds,

did you develop anything
which might help us pursue Red Dwarf?

Here we go. Initiating ignition sequence.

- Is this gonna work?
- I don't see why not.

It is indeed a fully functional stardrive.

If we've linked it correctly to the engines,
we'll catch up with Red Dwarf in nanoseconds!

- But it's bound to go wrong.
- Sir?

- It always does, every time.
- He's right!

There isn't a dog
in hell's chance this will work.

Sirs, haven't we learned
that if we all pull together,

we are greater than the sum of our parts,

that there are no boundaries
to what we can achieve?

This stardrive is going work. Do we believe?

- (THEY MUMBLE) We believe.
- (FIRMLY) Do we believe?

We believe!

(HISSING)

- Well, we know one thing, sir!
- What's that?

It does work!

It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mangojuice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

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