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1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,754
(''RED DWARF'' THEME)
2
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(WIND WHISTLES)
3
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(KRYTEN) Gravity 1.5.Wind 40 knots and variable.
4
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,392
Coordinates locked and set. Launch scouter.
5
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,475
Wait a minute. I'm in charge of security
and surveillance aboard this vessel.
6
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,673
I, Mr Kryten, am the one
who says ''Launch scouter''.
7
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,912
Sorry, sir,
I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
8
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,630
Launch scouter.
9
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,788
Launch scouter.
10
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,590
I'll be in the stern, correlating the...
11
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,352
in the stern.
12
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,709
Would you be so good
as to launch the scouter, sir?
13
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,871
Aye-aye, sir!
14
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,831
Scouter launched, sir!
15
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,156
Sir, it appears we've encountered
a scientific research centre.
16
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,273
- And someone's in there, man. A survivor.
- A Dr Hildegarde Lanstrom.
17
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,358
Clearly, I am superfluous to this entire operation,
18
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:07,913
ably commanded as it is by a droid
who was created purely to clean lavatories,
19
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,277
so why are you telling me this, Captain Bog-Bot?
20
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,159
She's a hologram.
21
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,990
We have to commandeer your projection unit
in order to rescue her, sir.
22
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:25,594
Oh, I see. First, I'm deemed unsuitable
to issue the command ''launch scouter'',
23
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:31,153
and now I'm being relieved of my duties
by Commander U-Bend.
24
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:36,309
Rimmer, it's not personal.
It's the only way to get her to the ship.
25
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,956
- Why do we need another hologram?
- She's a doctor, sir.
26
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:44,079
- She would be a valuable asset.
- As usual, it's left to me
27
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,470
to point out the flaw in your logic.
28
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,150
- Flaw?
- This vessel, gentlemen and khazi droids...
29
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the crimson short one up there, can only
sustain one hologram, or had you forgotten?
30
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,791
- You hadn't forgotten?
- Look, we'll work something out.
31
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,474
Some kind of ''timeshare'' thing.
32
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,309
What am I, a holiday villa in the Algarve?
33
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,832
Sir, might I remind you, as Space Corps
Directive 169 clearly states...
34
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,397
Holly, prepare an escape pod.
Anything but another ''Space Corps directive''.
35
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,955
Sir, the directives are there to protect us.
36
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,476
They're not vindictive pronouncements
directed against any one person.
37
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:30,312
Has anyone ever seen this legendary
Space Corps directive manual?
38
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,875
- Well, no.
- He's making it up.
39
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,510
- The bloody book doesn't exist.
- Sir, I assure you...
40
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,996
Why does he only use them
against me, never Lister?
41
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,549
We never hear Space Corps directives
42
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:50,396
that state, ''No crew member should floss
his teeth with the E-string of his guitar
43
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:55,839
''after spraying the contents of his Sugar Puff
sandwich all over his superior's bunk.''
44
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,675
- We never hear that one.
- Holly, furnish Mr Rimmer
45
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,435
with a hologrammatic copy
of the Space Corps directive manual.
46
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,636
Come on. Where is it?
47
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,472
- That's it?!
- You can study it at your leisure
48
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,631
on your trip back to Red Dwarf, sir.
49
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,315
- You've changed, you know that?
- Changed?
50
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,756
They may not see it,
but I know what's going on.
51
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,673
You've become a really nasty piece of work.
52
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,628
- Sir, I was merely...
- You're merely a mechanoid, that's all.
53
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,836
Don't ever forget it.
54
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,870
What a smee...
55
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,832
What a smee...
56
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:40,630
What a smee...heeeeeeee...
57
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,391
(CALLS OUT) Dr Lanstrom?
58
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,870
(KRYTEN) Are you there, Doctor?
59
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,915
Oh, brutal.
60
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,991
No need for alarm, sir. If there were
dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere,
61
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,470
the psi-scan
would have picked them up by now.
62
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,310
It's never done that before.
63
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:42,551
(MUTTERS) Blasted, stupid...
Cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
64
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,280
(BUZZES)
65
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,431
So what's the news?
66
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,273
Well, just a few seconds more, sir.
67
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,353
The old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
68
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,956
Still, it out-performs the 346
eight times out of nine.
69
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:03,911
Small wonder that it secured ''Psi-Scan of the
Year, Best Budget Model'' three years running.
70
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,230
Now here are the results...
71
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,117
And we're going to...
72
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,677
live.
73
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,912
We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
74
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,512
Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
75
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,595
Oh. Extraordinary.
76
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,197
Incredible.
77
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,511
(LISTER) Hey, look at this.
78
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,150
A nest of stasis pods.
79
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,634
I must have triggered something.
80
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,511
Doctor? Doctor Lanstrom?
81
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,875
(GERMAN ACCENT) And who might you be?
82
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,238
Hi. We were passing. We picked up the beacon.
83
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,553
Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say?
84
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,029
Life without pain has no meaning.
85
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,953
Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning.
86
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,950
(EERIE WAILING)
87
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:24,915
- Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?
- Or anyone who can shoot straight?
88
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,553
I'm telling you, Kryten is taking over.
89
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:35,550
Remember how he was in the early days?
A gibbering wreck, no self-confidence,
90
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,473
plagued by guilt, convinced he was fourth-rate?
91
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:43,156
- I really liked him then.
- Escape pod checked and standing by.
92
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,272
- Well, check it again.
- I've done three checks.
93
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,432
- It's ready to launch.
- Right, I'm going.
94
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,239
What really gets me
is how he thinks he can order me about.
95
00:07:55,400 --> 00:08:00,190
Well, he who lives by the rule book,
dies by the rule book.
96
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,353
(LISTER ON RADIO ) Can you hear us?Listen, Lanstrom's got some holo-virus.
97
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,511
She's totally barkingI
98
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:10,914
- Listy?
- We need back-up, man. We need it now.
99
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,071
Everything OK?
100
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,352
- What? Can't you hear me?
- I'm sorry, Lister, you're very faint.
101
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,473
(KRYTEN) Dr Lanstrom has contractedsome mutated holo-plague
102
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,632
and is in a fearful psychopathic fury.
103
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,756
Marvellous!
104
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,555
I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset
to the team.
105
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,032
Sir, I'm going to change frequency.
Can you hear me now?
106
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:48,359
Hello. My name is Dr Hildegarde Lanstromand I am quite, quite mad.
107
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,876
Are you really? How absolutely splendid.
108
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,310
I have a riddle for you.
109
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:59,998
What's dead and dead and dead all over?
110
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,000
Give in, Dr Fruit-Loop. Do tell me.
111
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,072
You-ooI
112
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:18,038
Well, we know what to get you for Christmas:
a lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper.
113
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:22,074
Holly, I really must make tracks.
Keep me updated, will you?
114
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,835
Where is she?
115
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,389
I fear she's toying with us, sir.
116
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:45,509
- What kind of disease gives her hex vision?
- Clearly some kind of psi-virus, sir.
117
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,831
It appears to stimulate dormant areas of the brain,
118
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,197
which, until now,
humankind has been unable to harness.
119
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,114
Unfortunately, it requires so much energy,
it drains the victim's life-force.
120
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,834
- That's why she was in stasis?
- Precisely.
121
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,992
Lanstrom was preserving
what little lifespan remains her.
122
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:06,233
Well, if she's running out of time,
let's give her the run-around.
123
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,834
Theoretically, a sound notion, sir.
Unfortunately...
124
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,629
Unfortunately, she has already found you.
125
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,992
Twinkle, twinkle, little eye,
126
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:21,233
now it's time for you to die.
127
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,709
(WAILS IN AGONY)
128
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,749
Poor woman. Destroyed by her own genius.
129
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,230
- Genius?
- Yes. From what I've seen of her research,
130
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,278
before the holo-virus,
she had a remarkable mind.
131
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,433
If I'm right,
the fruits of her work should live on.
132
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,714
- Anything?
- Quite extraordinary.
133
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:55,158
Lanstrom postulated that there were
two kinds of virus - positive and negative.
134
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,517
- The negative we know about.
- Flu, rabies, that stuff.
135
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:03,316
But she also believed in positive viral
strains which make humans feel better.
136
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,917
- Such as?
- Well, she predicted a kind of reverse flu,
137
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,789
a virus which promotes
an unaccountable feeling of happiness.
138
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,833
That's happened to me. My life's been crud,
139
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,117
and I've woken up feeling good for no reason.
140
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:23,440
The chances are, sir, that you had
unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus.
141
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,230
According to her notes, 20th-century DJs
suffered from it all the time.
142
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:34,238
- So what's in the tubes?
- Several isolated strains of positive virus.
143
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,119
Inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism...
144
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:41,916
Sexual magnetism is a virus?
Get me to hospital, I'm a terminal case!
145
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,718
This is the most intriguing.
According to her notes,
146
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:52,436
this is the viral strain Felicitus populi,
commonly known as ''luck.''
147
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,995
- Luck is a virus?
- A positive virus,
148
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,119
which most humans contract
at some point for very short periods.
149
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,671
And here it is,
Lady Luck in liquid form. Want to try some?
150
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,795
- Is it safe?
- Absolutely harmless.
151
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,158
Even so, this minute dose
will only last for about three minutes.
152
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:17,235
Now pick out all the aces
from this pack of cards.
153
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,960
- Shuffle 'em?
- Mm-hmm.
154
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,511
13 to 1.
155
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,031
221 to 1.
156
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,153
5,525 to 1.
157
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,472
270,725 to 1.
158
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:41,632
Sir, throw this dart over here
into that bull's-eye behind you
159
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,075
using your left hand, without looking.
160
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,710
Using my left hand?
Into the bulls-eye? Without looking?
161
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,871
- No chance.
- Trust me, sir.
162
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,071
- You ready?
- (DULL THUD )
163
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:57,758
Ah. I think that indicates
the luck virus has worn off.
164
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:02,148
When you're quite finished,
we've got a problem with the doors.
165
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,916
- What problem?
- They won't open.
166
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,595
- Rimmer's put in an override.
- Welcome home, gentlemen.
167
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,514
If you'd proceed to the aft to bay 47.
168
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,597
That's quarantine!
169
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,509
- Spot on.
- But, sir, I've screened us. We're clean.
170
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:26,034
Well, much as I trust a viral screening
conducted by an automated toilet attendant,
171
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:32,070
I really must draw your attention
to Space Corps Directive 595.
172
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,829
- For cryin' out loud!
- I have no intention of contracting
173
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,356
the hologrammatic equivalent
of foaming dog fever.
174
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,035
So, gentlemen,
you may proceed to quarantine room 152,
175
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,476
where you will be spending
the next three months.
176
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,116
(DOOR HUMS)
177
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,034
12 weeks. I have a dark sense
of foreboding about this.
178
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,629
Oh, come on. We'll get through it.
179
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,395
This is single quarters.
One chair, one bed, one shower.
180
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,949
- We'll manage.
- Sir, it's a scientific fact
181
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,038
that the human male needs time by himself.
182
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,559
- It is?
- Hmm.
183
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:23,269
The most popular pastimes
have always been enjoyed alone -
184
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,955
angling, golf
and, of course, the all-time number one.
185
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:32,229
It's not just humans.
When male tigers are locked up together,
186
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,675
one winds up on the other's toothpick.
187
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,839
Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats...
even vultures when they're in captivity.
188
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,715
What are you saying to me?
Vultures need personal space?
189
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:48,000
They need time alone to put their feet up
and read ''What Carcass?'' magazine?
190
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,749
Sir, I think you're downplaying
the gravity of the situation.
191
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:56,351
Look, we hang out together
most of the time together anyway.
192
00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,712
Yeah, but we could go at any time.
Not now, though.
193
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:05,596
Welcome to quarantine, lads.
I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly
194
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,149
and pleasantly as the 100 Years' War.
195
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,670
Sir, I must protest. You've only supplied
single-berth accommodation.
196
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:17,637
Space Corps Directive 597 clearly states
''one berth per registered crew member''.
197
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,952
As Listy is the only registered
crew member, that's all you get.
198
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,954
- Don't rise to him.
- What about entertainment?
199
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,118
You are obliged to provide us
with leisure facilities.
200
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,551
Games, literature,
hobby activities, motion pictures.
201
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:36,515
And in accordance with Space Corps
Directive 312, you'll find in the cupboard
202
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,797
a chess set with 31 missing pieces,
203
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:44,238
a knitting magazine
with a pull-out special on crocheted hats,
204
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,472
a puzzle magazine
with all the crosswords completed
205
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:54,512
and a video of the excellent ''Wallpapering,
Painting and Stippling - a DIY Guide''.
206
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:59,271
- Don't rise to him.
- And fulfilling all dietary requirements,
207
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,433
dinner tonight, gentlemen,
will consist of sprout soup,
208
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,194
followed by sprout salad,
209
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:11,155
and for desert - I think you'll like it,
rather unusual - sprout crumble.
210
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,875
Rimmer, you know damn well
sprouts make me chuck.
211
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:19,870
Well, this is awful. I've got you down
for sprouts almost every meal.
212
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,350
I tell a lie. It IS every meal.
213
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,552
- How long are you going to keep this up?
- What?
214
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,156
I'm merely executing Space Corps Directive 595.
215
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:36,348
Anyway, must dasherooni. I've got to organise
your daily musical entertainment.
216
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:42,038
I think you'll like it. It's a looped tape
of ''Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats''.
217
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,800
OK. Time to rise to him. Let me at him!
218
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:51,032
Listen, he wants us to annoy each other,
go through 12 weeks of hell.
219
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,714
Well, we won't give him the satisfaction.
220
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:59,034
The entire time, we're not gonna have
one single argument, not a cross word,
221
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,670
not one angry exchange. OK? OK?
222
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,910
Boys from the Dwarf.
223
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:25,630
I think that's straight now. Two hours it's
taken to panel-beat my head back into shape.
224
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,910
Two damn hours.
225
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,873
Guys, just take it easy.
226
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:41,552
If he says that once more, I'll turn his ears
into maracas and do a fandango on his throat.
227
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,595
I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go.
228
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:53,035
And if you want to be alive when there's
78 days to go, do not blow your nose.
229
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,993
Do you mind if I ask why?
230
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,998
Let's forego the noise
and revolting burbling sound
231
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,948
and go straight to the really gross part,
when you always -
232
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,998
and I mean always - having blown your nose,
233
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:11,234
have to open up the handkerchief
and take a look at the contents.
234
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,155
I mean, why?
What do you expect to see in there?
235
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,590
A Turner seascape, perhaps?
236
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,674
The face of the Madonna?
An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?
237
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,190
Rimmer was right about you. You have changed.
238
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,512
- You're getting tetchy.
- Oh, don't call me tetchy.
239
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,750
You know what happens.
240
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,037
Well, that's exactly what I'm calling you.
241
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,192
Tetchy. Tetchy. Tetchy.
242
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:46,678
It's just as well I can't hear you
calling me tetchy.
243
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,150
You know what happens
when you call me tetchy.
244
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:56,355
Oh, no! Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I warn you what would happen?
245
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,471
- No.
- Yes. I'm putting it on.
246
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,029
- Don't put it on.
- Here I go.
247
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,351
- There he goes.
- Kryten, I'm not helping you again.
248
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,080
- Not this time.
- You think I need help?
249
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,552
I can extract my own head
from the waste disposal unit.
250
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,480
It won't be the waste disposal, Frankenstein.
251
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,029
I'm gonna microwave your head.
252
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,471
Frankenstein was the creator,
not the monster.
253
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,110
It's a common misconception,
held by all truly stupid people.
254
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,834
Don't correct me. I hate being corrected.
255
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,118
- It really gets my feckles up.
- It's ''hackles'', you moron.
256
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,590
- There's no such word as ''feckles''.
- Feckles, hackles, schmeckles.
257
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,149
Whatever they are, they're up now, buddy.
258
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,470
- Yeah?
- Guys! Guys!
259
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,519
Look at us! Five days on a sprout diet
260
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,470
with a wallpapering video and a crochet
magazine and we've all turned into crazies.
261
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,588
Just don't call me tetchy.
262
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,910
- And don't correct me.
- OK.
263
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,157
- OK.
- OK. We're going to get through this.
264
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,312
(BOTH) Don't say we're going to get through this!
265
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,478
That stupid chirpy optimism.
That inane winsome grin.
266
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:09,629
This is insane! We've been here five days.
267
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:14,271
- There's no sign of any virus. We're clean.
- That's it! We've got him.
268
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,910
Space Corps Directive 699.
We can demand a rescreening.
269
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:22,716
- He'll refuse.
- He's playing by the book. We've nailed him.
270
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,555
(RIMMER, IMPASSIVELY) Gentlemen...your
conversation makes interesting listening.
271
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,109
- Rimmer, is that you?
- Oh, yes.
272
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,797
- How long have you been listening?
- Two, maybe three hours.
273
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,228
- No one's got any disease.
- We're clean.
274
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,597
You have to re-screen us as per Directive 699.
275
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,639
No one's got any virus
and no one's smeggin' nuts.
276
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,956
Well, that's good.
277
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:53,831
- Is something amiss?
- Amiss? No. What could possibly be amiss?
278
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,156
You don't think there's anything amiss?
279
00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,154
I'm sitting here wearing a red and white
checked gingham dress...
280
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,949
and army boots...
and you think that's un-amiss?
281
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:08,233
No, we just thought you'd gone nuts.
We were humouring you.
282
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:14,589
I was just doing a little test.
A little test to see if you had gone crazy.
283
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,433
(HOWLS INSANELY)
284
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:21,918
If there is one thing
I can't stand...it's crazy people.
285
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,790
Well, we've passed the test.
You can let us out.
286
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,116
- I can't let you out.
- Why not?
287
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,199
The King of the Potato People won't let me.
288
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:39,231
I begged him.
I got down on my knees and wept.
289
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,910
He wants to keep you here....
290
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,150
..keep you here for ten years.
291
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,311
Could we see him?
292
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,151
- See who?
- The King.
293
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:56,715
- Do you have a magic carpet?
- Yeah, a little three-seater.
294
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,789
So, let me get this straight.
295
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,999
You'll fly on a magic carpet
to the King of the Potato People...
296
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,915
..and plead with him for your freedom,
and you're telling me you are completely sane?
297
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:17,309
I think that warrants two hours...of WOO.
298
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,876
- What's WOO?
- You had to ask.
299
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,239
With...out...oxygen.
300
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,554
No oxygen for two hours.
301
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,518
That'll teach you to be bread baskets.
302
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:38,154
- What do we do?
- I think our only hope's the Potato King.
303
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,871
- How did he get the holo-virus?
- It can be transmitted over radio waves.
304
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,952
He must have spoken
to Lanstrom at some point.
305
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,517
We have seven minutes
before the air in here becomes unbreathable.
306
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,473
- We gotta get out of here.
- It's impossible.
307
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,555
That's the whole point of quarantine.
Nothing gets out. Nothing gets in.
308
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,518
Not even a microbe.
309
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,912
Kryten, any chance of cracking the code?
310
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:09,750
The chances of punching in the correct
combination are literally billions to one.
311
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,632
- Unless...
- Of course!
312
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,910
The luck virus!
313
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:19,469
- You think that stuff'll work?
- If I give Mr Lister a large dose,
314
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,428
he will temporarily become the luckiest human
being who ever lived.
315
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,917
- OK. What do I do?
- Just press in whatever you think is best.
316
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,633
OK.
317
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,195
Last digit, sir.
318
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,076
- So what now?
- We head for the hologram projection suite,
319
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,038
- before Mr Rimmer...
- Before Mr Rimmer what?
320
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,598
They've been naughty boys,
haven't they, Mr Flibble?
321
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,632
(CROAKS) Yes.
322
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,236
What happens to boys
who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?
323
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:06,359
Uncle Arnie fries them alive
with his hex vision.
324
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,114
That's right, Mr Flibble.
325
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,671
This way!
326
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,074
The holo-virus is in its secondary stage.
327
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:26,472
- Mr Rimmer can't have long to live.
- What is he capable of?
328
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,399
Well, we've seen hex vision. Like Lanstrom,
329
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,916
he'll be capable of telepathy, even telekinesis.
330
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,116
Telekiny-what-inesis?
331
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:41,837
The ability to move objects
purely by the power of the mind.
332
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:51,272
- Kryten, are you OK?
- I have a medium-sized axe in my spine.
333
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,749
That can put a crimp on your day.
334
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,709
(WHIRRS AND GRINDS)
335
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,270
(SPLUTTERS)
336
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,795
Two and one-half badgers, please!
337
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:10,115
- (CRACK)
- No, I'll eat them here. (SQUAWKS)
338
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,711
Ah, that's better. Now I can...
339
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,713
win self-determination
for the Moldavian people!
340
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,394
(BURBLES INCOHERENTLY)
341
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,840
Ah, I think I'm OK now.
342
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,155
Mr Flibble's very cross.
343
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,551
You shouldn't have ran away from him.
344
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,554
What are we going to do
with them, Mr Flibble?
345
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,000
We can't possibly do that.
346
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,949
Who'd clear up the mess?
347
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,633
- We need to use your luck, sir.
- How?
348
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,078
What we need is a remote link
to the hologram disk projection system.
349
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,357
- Like this one?
- What a stroke of luck.
350
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,273
Now we need a detachable
power transfer adapter
351
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,352
capable of holding spikes of five million volts.
352
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,511
What's this?
353
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,349
Extraordinary.
Now all we need is a B47 /7RF resistor.
354
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,271
Look out!
355
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,311
Mr Flibble says...
356
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,710
Game over, boys.
357
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,232
(SHRILL VIBRATING HUM)
358
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:06,553
- I think he's going to be OK, sir.
- OK? The luck virus must have worn off.
359
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,116
(LISTER) Rimmer? You OK?
360
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,232
- What happened? Where am I?
- (CAT) Quarantine.
361
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,549
- But don't worry...
- We're here to entertain you!
362
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,711
(SQUAWKS)
363
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,350
It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
364
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,796
I'm all alone, more or less
365
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,077
Let me fly far away from here
366
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,913
Fun, fun, fun
367
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,595
In the sun, sun, sun
368
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,116
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
369
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,397
Drinking fresh mango juice
370
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,757
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
371
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,559
Fun, fun, fun
372
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,554
In the sun, sun, sun
373
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,359
Fun, fun, fun
374
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,752
In the sun, sun, sun
375
00:28:10,802 --> 00:28:15,352
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