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(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
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This is an SOS distress callfrom the mining ship Red Dwarf.
3
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,957
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
4
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The only survivors were Dave Lister,who was in suspended animation,
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and his pregnant cat,who was safely sealed in the hold.
6
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Revived three million years later,
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Lister's only companions area life form who evolved from his cat
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and Arnold Rimmer, a hologramsimulation of one of the crew.
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We've travelled through the galaxyfor three million years,
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and discoveredthat the highest form of life is Man
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and the lowest is a manwho works for the post office.
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(R0MANTIC MUSIC)
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(WOMAN ON TV) Oh, Jim, didn't you saywe have to seize our moments?
14
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(SN0RTS)
15
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(MAN) This is our moment, right hereand now. Let's seize it together.
16
00:02:02,207 --> 00:02:05,404
(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dyingl
17
00:02:05,487 --> 00:02:09,241
(MAN) I know, Carol.Dr Graham told me everything.
18
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- Busy, are you, Dave?
- Hol! I'm watching the film.
19
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:19,364
- Just wondered if you were bored.
- No, no.
20
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- You're not bored, then?
- No, go away!
21
00:02:23,087 --> 00:02:27,080
(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dyingl
22
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:31,001
(MAN) I know, Carol.Dr Graham told me everything.
23
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I've just finished reading everything.
24
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I've now read everything writtenby anyone ever.
25
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:43,557
- Go away!
- You know what the worst book ever is?
26
00:02:43,647 --> 00:02:48,163
- I don't care!
- "It's A Funny Old Game" by Kevin Keegan.
27
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Let me watch the film.
28
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(R0MANTIC MUSIC)
29
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I'm at a loose end. I don't know what to do.
30
00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:00,922
Why don't you read everything again?
31
00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:05,683
I thought I might pass the timecreating a perfect replica of a woman,
32
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capable of independent decision-makingand abstract thought,
33
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,999
and absolutely undetectablefrom the real thing.
34
00:03:12,087 --> 00:03:14,760
- Why don't you?
- I don't know how.
35
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I couldn't even make the nose.
36
00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:22,923
- Is there something you want?
- If you're not busy.
37
00:03:23,007 --> 00:03:26,477
- Would you erase some of my memory?
- What for?
38
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If you erase the Agatha Christie novels,I can read 'em again tonight.
39
00:03:31,487 --> 00:03:35,196
- How do I do it?
- Just type "holmem".
40
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"Password override."
41
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Then "novels, Christie, Agatha".Then press erase.
42
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- I've done it.
- Done what?
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- Erased Agatha Christie.
- Who's she, then?
44
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You just asked me to erase all Agatha
Christie novels from your memory.
45
00:03:55,487 --> 00:03:57,523
Why? I've never heard of her.
46
00:03:57,607 --> 00:04:02,123
That's because I've just erased her
from your smegging memory.
47
00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:05,119
- Why'd you do that?
- You asked me to!
48
00:04:05,207 --> 00:04:06,686
- When?
- Just now!
49
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:09,486
- I don't remember.
- I'm going to bed.
50
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This'll go on all night.
51
00:04:11,847 --> 00:04:13,405
(WOMAN) I'm dyingl
52
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(MAN) I know, Carol.Dr Graham told me everything.
53
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(R0MANTIC MUSIC)
54
00:04:22,087 --> 00:04:23,600
0ff!
55
00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:25,678
Had a good day, Lister?
56
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:29,237
Scrummed enough choccies?
Watched enough drivel, have you?
57
00:04:29,327 --> 00:04:32,717
You're turning into a sad middle-aged woman.
58
00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:36,800
Next, you'll be varnishing your nails
and buying girdles.
59
00:04:36,887 --> 00:04:39,640
And what've you done that's so great?
60
00:04:39,727 --> 00:04:43,197
I've achieved 17 things off my daily goal list,
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whereas you've never achieved anything ever.
62
00:04:46,087 --> 00:04:48,999
- I went to the officers' block.
- When?
63
00:04:49,087 --> 00:04:52,238
- This morning.
- But it hasn't been decontaminated!
64
00:04:52,327 --> 00:04:57,276
- You said it had last week!
- No, it was on last Thursday's list!
65
00:04:57,367 --> 00:05:00,006
- And you haven't done it yet?!
- Tomorrow.
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It's on tomorrow's daily goal list.
Item 34, right after "learn Portuguese".
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00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:08,281
Thanks a lot. Don't tell me.
68
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:11,245
Why were you mooching around
up there, anyway?
69
00:05:11,327 --> 00:05:14,239
I was looking
through Kochanski's dream recorder.
70
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:16,966
She dreamed about me three times.
71
00:05:17,047 --> 00:05:19,322
So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly.
72
00:05:19,407 --> 00:05:23,082
You don't dream about someone
that you don't feel for.
73
00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:28,442
I once dreamed about a baboon.
It doesn't mean I want to sleep with it.
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00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:31,883
- Must've meant something.
- Shave, please, Holly.
75
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:35,960
Lister, you should take
a good long look at yourself,
76
00:05:36,047 --> 00:05:40,165
then you'd see just how ridiculous
you appear to other people.
77
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:45,718
If you'd let me have Kochanski's
personality disk, I could find out.
78
00:05:45,807 --> 00:05:49,436
If you were a Love Celibate,
you wouldn't have these problems.
79
00:05:49,527 --> 00:05:53,884
You only knocked around with those prats
from the Love Celibacy Society
80
00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:56,527
because you could never get a date.
81
00:05:56,607 --> 00:06:00,759
No, I agree with their philosophy
that love is a sickness
82
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that holds back your career
and takes all your money.
83
00:06:04,727 --> 00:06:07,958
You let your mum buy your "casual" clothes.
84
00:06:08,047 --> 00:06:10,925
There's nothing wrong with my casual clothes.
85
00:06:11,007 --> 00:06:15,444
Your trousers were so short,
you could see your knees.
86
00:06:15,527 --> 00:06:18,599
What about Yvonne McGruder?
That was a date.
87
00:06:18,687 --> 00:06:23,761
She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
She had concussion.
88
00:06:23,847 --> 00:06:25,838
She was crazy about me.
89
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,522
- She called you Norman.
- She went to bed with me.
90
00:06:29,607 --> 00:06:32,917
Yeah, because she thought
you were somebody else.
91
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:36,079
Serves her right
for being concussed, doesn't it?
92
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:38,886
Rimmer! You don't know what love is.
93
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:43,199
Yes, I do. Love is a device
invented by bank managers
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to make us overdrawn.
95
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Lights.
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Rimmer, love is...
97
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Love is what makes us different from animals.
98
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What makes us different from animals
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is we don't use our tongues
to clean our own genitals.
100
00:07:15,207 --> 00:07:18,961
Lights!
Rimmer, are you awake?
101
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:21,322
Rimmer! Are you awake?
102
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:24,877
What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel.
103
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- Where am I? What time is it?
- I don't feel very well.
104
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- Half past three?!
- I feel really ill.
105
00:07:35,327 --> 00:07:37,363
Well, you are really ill.
106
00:07:37,447 --> 00:07:39,722
No, I mean REALLY ill.
107
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I'm going down to the medical unit.
I don't feel very well.
108
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Lights.
109
00:07:50,247 --> 00:07:52,681
Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we?
110
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(PANTS)
111
00:08:03,007 --> 00:08:04,998
I feel really hot.
112
00:08:07,527 --> 00:08:10,121
Hey, this is mine. That's mine.
113
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All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine.
114
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Except that bit. I don't want that bit.
115
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But all the rest of this is mine.
116
00:08:23,447 --> 00:08:25,802
This has been a good day.
117
00:08:25,887 --> 00:08:30,802
I've eaten five times, slept six times
and made lots of things mine.
118
00:08:30,887 --> 00:08:36,519
Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have
sex with something. Aow! Yeah!
119
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S-E-X, you know I want it! Aow!
120
00:08:40,647 --> 00:08:43,878
S-E-X, I'm gonna get it!
121
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:48,358
S-E-X, I think I found it...
122
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0h, it's you!
123
00:08:50,527 --> 00:08:52,802
Hey, monkey, you're sick.
124
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Sick, helpless and unconscious.
125
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:58,603
If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes.
126
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Time for a snack.
127
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:03,597
This way. Aow!
128
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,158
Emergency.
129
00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:08,363
There's an emergency going on.
130
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,438
It's still going on.
131
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,758
It's still an emergency.
132
00:09:13,847 --> 00:09:17,237
Will Arnold Rimmer please hurryto White Corridor 159?
133
00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:19,318
This is an emergency announcement.
134
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,564
Food!
135
00:09:21,647 --> 00:09:24,445
(MACHINE) Today's specialityis chicken Marengo.
136
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I'm gonna eat you, little chickie,
I'm gonna eat you, little chickie.
137
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I'm gonna eat you, little chickie
138
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Ah-ah, too slow, chicken Marengo.
139
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Too slow for this cat.
140
00:09:40,727 --> 00:09:44,003
Hey! This chicken's faster than I thought!
141
00:09:47,327 --> 00:09:49,887
Quick! Lister's fainted! He needs help!
142
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Didn't you hear me? Lister's in trouble.
143
00:09:57,967 --> 00:10:02,802
The monkey - ooh-ooh-ooh! -
has fainted. Quick! Come now.
144
00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:10,359
Is there something wrong with you?
Lister's collapsed!
145
00:10:10,447 --> 00:10:13,007
- Yeah?
- He needs help!
146
00:10:13,087 --> 00:10:15,362
- And?
- And he might die.
147
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:19,281
Aw, no! That's too bad.
I really liked him, too.
148
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:22,643
- So, come and help him.
- And interrupt my lunch?!
149
00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:25,764
What's more important,
his life or smegging lunch?
150
00:10:25,847 --> 00:10:28,600
That doesn't even deserve an answer.
151
00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:34,925
Right. 0K. You come with me.
You get a stretcher.
152
00:10:39,447 --> 00:10:41,677
(RIMMER) Down. Down. Stop.
153
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:44,201
Let the medicomp take my temperature.
154
00:10:44,287 --> 00:10:46,357
Lister, they've got to learn.
155
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:49,280
Down, down... Slowly...
156
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:53,360
Ah, now very, very, very slowly forward.
157
00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:57,725
- Ah! My eye!
- Lister, they've got to learn.
158
00:10:57,807 --> 00:11:01,402
- I nearly lost an eye!
- How about an anal reading?
159
00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:04,718
- I feel fine now.
- Well, you're not fine.
160
00:11:04,807 --> 00:11:09,244
It's your own smegging fault
for going up to the officers' deck.
161
00:11:09,327 --> 00:11:13,161
- I just wanted a look around.
- In Kochanski's quarters,
162
00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,397
and look what's it got you.
163
00:11:15,487 --> 00:11:18,047
I've got a touch of pneumonia.
164
00:11:18,127 --> 00:11:21,244
Three million years ago, it was pneumonia.
165
00:11:21,487 --> 00:11:25,116
- Since then, it's mutated.
- Why didn't I ask her out?
166
00:11:25,207 --> 00:11:27,402
What's the worst she could've said?
167
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:31,241
She could've said, "No, you're a filthy,
greasy, disgusting object
168
00:11:31,327 --> 00:11:33,602
"I wouldn't be seen dead with."
169
00:11:33,687 --> 00:11:36,326
She could've said yes.
Stranger things have happened.
170
00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:38,557
0nly two spring to mind -
171
00:11:38,647 --> 00:11:42,356
the spontaneous combustion
of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546
172
00:11:42,447 --> 00:11:46,963
and that incident in 12th-century
Burgundy when it rained herring.
173
00:11:48,247 --> 00:11:52,126
There's this theory I had.
Everyone's got two people inside,
174
00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:54,198
your confidence and your paranoia.
175
00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:58,121
Your confidence goes, "You're great.
You're sexy! Everybody loves you!"
176
00:11:58,207 --> 00:12:02,246
Your paranoia says, "You're stupid,
useless and everybody hates you."
177
00:12:02,327 --> 00:12:06,639
That's odd, Lister. According
to this reading, you're clinically dead.
178
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:11,243
My confidence would be just about
to persuade me to ask Kochanski out,
179
00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:15,684
and as I walked up to her,
he'd go off to Hawaii.
180
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:19,760
I'd be left with paranoia,
saying, "She'll laugh in our face."
181
00:12:19,847 --> 00:12:23,920
Sometimes, Lister, you can be quite
perceptive and thought-provoking.
182
00:12:24,007 --> 00:12:28,319
0ther times, like this,
you rant like a complete loony.
183
00:12:28,927 --> 00:12:32,522
- Just take me to me bed.
- All right, Lister.
184
00:12:32,607 --> 00:12:38,239
0K, you now how it works.
Release the mechanism very, very gently.
185
00:12:40,687 --> 00:12:42,882
Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.
186
00:12:45,527 --> 00:12:48,087
Quick! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella!
187
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:52,686
Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella!
188
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:57,964
Get an umbrella!
189
00:12:59,207 --> 00:13:01,004
Get an umbrella!
190
00:13:05,087 --> 00:13:09,285
Necrobics. Hologramatic exercises for the dead.
191
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:12,245
It's raining! It's raining! Get an umbrella!
192
00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:17,482
It's raining. It's raining...
193
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:48,117
Holly, what's going on?
194
00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:49,799
- What?
- What's happening?
195
00:13:49,887 --> 00:13:53,243
Um, Hercule Poirot'sjust stepped off the train.
196
00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:56,205
If you ask me, they all did it.
197
00:13:56,287 --> 00:14:02,123
Why do we have you? We'd be better off
with a bucket of slop.
198
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:07,565
If you've got a complaint, just come outwith it. Don't hide behind hyperbole.
199
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:12,846
- Why is it raining fish?
- I'd be lying if I said I knew.
200
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:17,239
The only comparable incidentis in 12th-century Burgundy.
201
00:14:17,327 --> 00:14:19,204
(BELL RINGS)
202
00:14:24,047 --> 00:14:27,835
It's really going to be one of those days.
203
00:14:41,207 --> 00:14:43,437
Hey, you're awake!
204
00:14:43,527 --> 00:14:46,599
- I just woke up.
- I've brought some presents!
205
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:50,362
- You shouldn't have bothered.
- Well, I'm that kind of guy!
206
00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:53,837
Let's see what we've got
in the magic bag.
207
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,395
I got you some grapes,
208
00:14:56,487 --> 00:15:02,357
- and I got you got you an orange.
- Thanks. I feel better already.
209
00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:08,920
Well, all this enormous generosity
has made me tired. I'm going to bed.
210
00:15:11,807 --> 00:15:13,798
Ah, yes, indeedy.
211
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,603
- You're awake.
- But I'll be asleep in a minute.
212
00:15:17,687 --> 00:15:22,363
- How do you feel?
- Fine, but I'm trying to sleep!
213
00:15:22,447 --> 00:15:25,917
Shut up, you stupid moggy!
0ut of that bed!
214
00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:30,285
Well, I'm gonna take my presents back!
215
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,642
- How do you feel?
- Hurt!
216
00:15:34,487 --> 00:15:38,366
- I feel great.
- Listen, Lister, you had a fever.
217
00:15:38,447 --> 00:15:41,439
- Yeah.
- And you started to hallucinate.
218
00:15:41,527 --> 00:15:45,884
- Yeah?
- 0nly your hallucinations... were solid.
219
00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:49,357
- What do you mean?
- They were real, alive, solid.
220
00:15:49,447 --> 00:15:51,005
- Solid?
- Solid.
221
00:15:51,087 --> 00:15:55,285
- What do you mean?!
- 0K, I'll put it another way.
222
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:58,006
- You had hallucinations, all right?
- Yeah.
223
00:15:58,087 --> 00:16:00,806
And they were solid.
224
00:16:00,887 --> 00:16:04,880
I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia.
It was mutated.
225
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:08,516
- I knew something would happen.
- What did I hallucinate?
226
00:16:08,607 --> 00:16:14,318
- Well, first of all, it was fish rain.
- Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that!
227
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,443
- It happened.
- Where's the fish?
228
00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:18,518
Somebody ate them!
229
00:16:20,207 --> 00:16:23,882
Then the Mayor of Warsaw
spontaneously combusted.
230
00:16:24,887 --> 00:16:28,846
And then you hallucinated two men
in the Drive Room.
231
00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:31,805
- What two men?
- Apparently, one's your confidence
232
00:16:31,887 --> 00:16:33,559
and the other's your paranoia.
233
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,243
See what I mean, Lister?
234
00:16:42,327 --> 00:16:44,636
Hey! It's the king!
235
00:16:44,727 --> 00:16:46,718
Mr Beautiful!
236
00:16:46,807 --> 00:16:50,800
What's the "H" for? Horace?
A chair for the king, Horace.
237
00:16:50,887 --> 00:16:53,447
And breakfast. Mr Wonderful wishes to dine.
238
00:16:53,527 --> 00:16:57,918
Have you lost weight?
You look great. Is he perfect or what?
239
00:16:58,007 --> 00:17:01,795
- You're my confidence?
- That accent makes me go all wibbly!
240
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:07,564
You look like the manager of the London jets,
but sound like a quiz show host.
241
00:17:07,647 --> 00:17:11,720
I'm all the things you associate
with confidence, King.
242
00:17:11,807 --> 00:17:15,846
- And you're my paranoia?
- Is that a urine stain?
243
00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:19,966
- What? No, it isn't. It's tea.
- So, how are you, anyway?
244
00:17:20,047 --> 00:17:23,835
Isn't that a spot appearing
on your so-called face?
245
00:17:23,927 --> 00:17:27,602
My God, you've got fat. Must be all that lager.
246
00:17:27,687 --> 00:17:30,076
Bet you've got a terminal disease.
247
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:33,716
Always happens to people who least expect it.
248
00:17:33,807 --> 00:17:37,595
Say hello, won't you?
I'm only trying to be friendly.
249
00:17:37,687 --> 00:17:40,520
Baby, baby, what can I say?
250
00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:44,441
Is he the greatest guy ever or am I insane?
251
00:17:44,527 --> 00:17:48,076
You're insane. Lister, what are you going to do?
252
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,840
- What can I do?
- Let's arrest them.
253
00:17:50,927 --> 00:17:53,964
- What for?
- For being hallucinations.
254
00:17:54,047 --> 00:17:56,083
Come on, smeghead. It's company.
255
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,158
Lister, you're still sick.
256
00:17:58,247 --> 00:18:00,966
These two are symptoms of your disease.
257
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:04,403
They're the spots in measles,
the swellings in mumps,
258
00:18:04,487 --> 00:18:07,206
the funny walk in cystitis.
259
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,120
Until they're gone, you won't be better.
260
00:18:10,207 --> 00:18:16,601
Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for.
"Hidiot"! Am I right?
261
00:18:16,687 --> 00:18:20,077
You are treading a very thin line, me laddo.
262
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:24,240
The "H" stands for "Hologram".
I happen to be dead.
263
00:18:24,327 --> 00:18:27,205
Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.
264
00:18:27,287 --> 00:18:30,643
Come on, King.
Forget those losers. Let's go party.
265
00:18:30,727 --> 00:18:32,604
- No, I forbid it!
- Why?
266
00:18:32,687 --> 00:18:37,283
Why do you never listen to Mr Rimmer?
He's much more experienced,
267
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,404
more level-headed,
so much... better than you.
268
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:46,084
Listen, no one tells the Prince
of Charisma what to do. Right, Prince?
269
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,681
- Yeah, right!
- That's my Davey-boy!
270
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:53,801
He's socialising with a figment
of his imagination.
271
00:18:53,887 --> 00:18:55,286
Yes.
272
00:18:56,407 --> 00:19:01,845
Dust storm approaching.The ship exterior is now out of bounds.
273
00:19:01,927 --> 00:19:04,839
All airlocks are being automatically sealed.
274
00:19:04,927 --> 00:19:07,680
Estimated duration. 18 hours.
275
00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:11,796
(0FF-KEY) ... our love I tried to kindle
276
00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:16,483
like firelight, it... dwindled
277
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:24,565
Now I wonder when this... wind'll
ever stop
278
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:31,401
- You wrote that?
- Yeah, but it was ages ago.
279
00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:35,321
- That is the greatest love song ever.
- Come on!
280
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,126
Ever! It's so deep. The images!
281
00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:42,644
The dwindling, the kindling,
all the indling! I love that stuff!
282
00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:47,357
When I think there's fast-buck merchants
like Beethoven and Mozart out there,
283
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:51,440
grabbing the publicity, and here's you,
writing pieces of that calibre,
284
00:19:51,527 --> 00:19:53,518
it makes me wanna weep.
285
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:58,397
- What are you doing with that butt?
- 0h, you've embarrassed me now.
286
00:19:58,487 --> 00:20:03,880
It's just that your lips have touched it.
The king's kissing lips!
287
00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:09,166
I just wanted some proof that I'd
actually met the Duke of Deliciousness!
288
00:20:09,247 --> 00:20:11,477
You're serious, aren't you?
289
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:14,286
- Serious about what?
- I'm a nobody!
290
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:19,725
0ut of 169 people aboard this ship,
I ranked 169. Bottom of the pile.
291
00:20:19,807 --> 00:20:22,879
That's because you didn't want that career stuff.
292
00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:26,801
You wanted your farm on Fiji
with you-know-who.
293
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:28,878
- If she'd come.
- Lf?!
294
00:20:28,967 --> 00:20:33,404
And turn down the opportunity
of becoming the envy of all womankind?
295
00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:36,559
- 0h, we'll never know now.
- Why not?
296
00:20:36,647 --> 00:20:39,207
- She's dead.
- So is Rimmer.
297
00:20:39,287 --> 00:20:43,599
Holly can only sustain one hologram,
and Rimmer's hidden the personality disks.
298
00:20:43,687 --> 00:20:46,326
- So? Find them.
- I can't.
299
00:20:46,407 --> 00:20:50,480
King, you can do anything.
300
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:52,364
Anything!
301
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:57,197
...anything. He can't do anything.
- 0h, I know. I'll bet five.
302
00:20:57,287 --> 00:21:00,199
He used to practise kissing on his own.
303
00:21:00,287 --> 00:21:03,324
- How?
- He made lips out of one hand,
304
00:21:03,407 --> 00:21:07,195
then waggled his thumb
through the gap like a tongue.
305
00:21:08,207 --> 00:21:10,437
That is priceless.
306
00:21:10,527 --> 00:21:14,361
Seventeen years old
and he snogged his own hand.
307
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:19,805
0nce, in front of the whole school,
he called his gym teacher "Daddy".
308
00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:22,037
I could've died with embarrassment.
309
00:21:22,127 --> 00:21:24,516
What a silly thing to do.
310
00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:29,442
- I hate him.
- Then why talk about him so much?
311
00:21:29,527 --> 00:21:33,406
Because he makes my life
one big, humiliating, cringe-making,
312
00:21:33,487 --> 00:21:35,478
guilt-ridden hell!
313
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:38,286
Now! Stab him! Stab him! Stab him!
314
00:21:39,447 --> 00:21:45,079
Ah, you haven't met Stabhim.
He's one of our skutters.
315
00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:49,638
Stabhim, meet Lister's paranoia.
Lister's paranoia, this is Stabhim.
316
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:51,718
Yo, Rimmer, we've been thinking.
317
00:21:51,807 --> 00:21:55,197
We might get Kochanski back
without turning you off.
318
00:21:55,287 --> 00:21:58,518
0h, he's drunk. I can smell it from here.
319
00:21:58,607 --> 00:22:02,839
If we turn off all unnecessary systems,
Holly says it'll work.
320
00:22:02,927 --> 00:22:07,125
Another great idea from the people
who brought you beer milkshakes!
321
00:22:07,207 --> 00:22:10,085
You're obsessed with a girl you hardly know.
322
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:13,796
Hardly knows her?
You haven't heard the "indling" song!
323
00:22:13,887 --> 00:22:17,277
- 0ur love I tried to kindle...
- Not now!
324
00:22:18,007 --> 00:22:20,999
- You're not having her disk.
- Because she'll outrank you?
325
00:22:21,087 --> 00:22:25,558
But she's a bright, good-looking,
witty, upwardly mobile officer.
326
00:22:25,647 --> 00:22:27,956
Why should she fancy you?
327
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:31,676
- Yes, why should she fancy you?
- Yeah, why should she?
328
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:35,123
Hmm? Sorry, I was just thinking
about that song.
329
00:22:35,207 --> 00:22:39,723
I can't get it out of my head.
Why? Because you're great!
330
00:22:39,807 --> 00:22:42,844
You're an incredibly seductive,
charming, charismatic young stud!
331
00:22:42,927 --> 00:22:45,725
Yeah, I forgot. That's why.
332
00:22:45,807 --> 00:22:48,560
You're not having her disk or any disk.
333
00:22:48,647 --> 00:22:51,684
Come on, King. Where would he hide 'em?
334
00:22:51,767 --> 00:22:54,156
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
335
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:58,035
- No, he doesn't.
- Come on, think "winner".
336
00:22:59,727 --> 00:23:02,036
0utside. 0utside the ship.
337
00:23:03,047 --> 00:23:06,642
- Er, wrong, actually!
- Where outside?
338
00:23:06,727 --> 00:23:09,958
Well, he'd have to send the skutters...
339
00:23:10,047 --> 00:23:13,323
Wrong, wrong! Absolutely brimming
over with wrongability.
340
00:23:13,407 --> 00:23:17,719
They'd have to be under my nose,
so he could laugh.
341
00:23:17,807 --> 00:23:20,367
Wrong and getting wronger all the time.
342
00:23:20,447 --> 00:23:22,836
0utside our sleeping quarters.
343
00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:25,680
The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters!
344
00:23:25,767 --> 00:23:28,361
You followed me, you goit!
345
00:23:28,487 --> 00:23:31,285
Is that where they are?! That's incredible! I did it!
346
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,044
Lister?
347
00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:48,559
- How long now, Hol?
- Can't be long, Dave.
348
00:23:48,647 --> 00:23:51,115
Hercule has the suspects in one room,
349
00:23:51,207 --> 00:23:54,324
and I'm two pages from "by the same author".
350
00:23:54,407 --> 00:23:56,602
No, Holly. The dust storm.
351
00:23:56,687 --> 00:23:59,997
Oh, that.Any time now, it's almost subsided.
352
00:24:00,087 --> 00:24:05,002
Yeah, how's my baby boy?
You've got a body like a coat hanger!
353
00:24:05,087 --> 00:24:07,999
You make a spacesuit look like eveningwear.
354
00:24:08,087 --> 00:24:12,399
- Let me ask you one question?
- It's no use arguing. I'm going.
355
00:24:12,487 --> 00:24:16,241
- Who smashed up the medicomp?
- He's stalling, King. Let's go.
356
00:24:16,327 --> 00:24:18,761
Holly, give him a punch up.
357
00:24:18,847 --> 00:24:21,520
Why would they smash it up?
358
00:24:21,607 --> 00:24:24,724
Lister, come here. Come here.
359
00:24:26,767 --> 00:24:28,758
You are still sick.
360
00:24:28,847 --> 00:24:31,122
- I feel great.
- You will not...
361
00:24:32,127 --> 00:24:34,118
You will not...
362
00:24:34,207 --> 00:24:37,836
You will not be better until they've gone.
363
00:24:37,927 --> 00:24:41,681
They know that, and they've stopped you
getting any treatment.
364
00:24:43,207 --> 00:24:45,198
Where's Paranoia?
365
00:24:45,287 --> 00:24:48,518
I don't know. Is it someplace near Uruguay?
366
00:24:48,607 --> 00:24:50,598
Who is this joker?
367
00:24:50,687 --> 00:24:54,475
- They're germs and they're dangerous.
- The storm has passed, Dave.
368
00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:59,004
- Airlocks are now released.
- What are we waiting for, King?
369
00:24:59,087 --> 00:25:00,884
Nothing.
370
00:25:02,007 --> 00:25:06,285
- Holly, put a trace on Paranoia.
- What's a trace?
371
00:25:06,367 --> 00:25:11,043
- It's space jargon. It means find him.
- You made that up to be cool.
372
00:25:11,687 --> 00:25:16,124
- Where is he?
- Paranoia is no longer on this ship.
373
00:25:18,407 --> 00:25:20,682
(C0NFIDENCE) Look at that view, Kingo!
374
00:25:20,767 --> 00:25:24,282
0n top of the world! Makes you wanna dance!
375
00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:26,358
(B0TH) Cha, cha-cha
376
00:25:26,447 --> 00:25:27,960
Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha
377
00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:30,003
Cha, cha-cha
378
00:25:30,087 --> 00:25:32,157
Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha
379
00:25:32,247 --> 00:25:34,363
(LISTER) Hey, here it is!
380
00:25:34,447 --> 00:25:36,438
(C0NFIDENCE) Cha-cha,
cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha...
381
00:25:44,647 --> 00:25:46,638
- Did you hear something?
- Nope.
382
00:25:46,727 --> 00:25:51,403
- In space, no one can hear you cha-cha!
- Could Paranoia be here?
383
00:25:51,487 --> 00:25:54,445
- Forget him.
- He smashed up the medical unit.
384
00:25:54,527 --> 00:25:57,883
- No, he didn't. I did.
- You did?
385
00:25:57,967 --> 00:26:02,006
So we can be together. I did it for you!
386
00:26:02,087 --> 00:26:04,647
- Where did he go, then?
- I killed him.
387
00:26:04,727 --> 00:26:07,287
What do you mean, you killed him?!
388
00:26:07,367 --> 00:26:11,804
Hey, he didn't suffer.
I fed him into the waste grinder
389
00:26:11,887 --> 00:26:14,355
and flushed his bits into space.
390
00:26:14,447 --> 00:26:17,359
Look, I'm gonna go inside now.
391
00:26:17,447 --> 00:26:20,644
Gets a little claustrophobic in these suits.
392
00:26:20,727 --> 00:26:22,877
- Take your helmet off.
- What?!
393
00:26:22,967 --> 00:26:26,198
- Take your helmet off.
- I'll die. There's no oxygen!
394
00:26:26,287 --> 00:26:30,599
- Hey, oxygen's for losers. Come on!
- I need oxygen!
395
00:26:30,687 --> 00:26:34,316
You don't need anything. You're the king!
396
00:26:34,407 --> 00:26:37,558
- You're crazy!
- Who told you you needed oxygen?
397
00:26:37,647 --> 00:26:40,878
Some loser trying to make you feel small.
398
00:26:40,967 --> 00:26:44,642
I'll prove it to you. I'll take mine off first.
399
00:26:44,727 --> 00:26:47,764
- We'll see who's crazy around here!
- No!
400
00:26:56,647 --> 00:26:58,444
(WHISTLES)
401
00:27:00,807 --> 00:27:03,321
- Must you do this now?
- I'm doing my laundry!
402
00:27:03,407 --> 00:27:06,717
- It's totally disgusting.
- What's disgusting?
403
00:27:11,727 --> 00:27:13,718
- Lister.
- Yeah?
404
00:27:13,807 --> 00:27:16,924
I just want to say I was right all along.
405
00:27:17,007 --> 00:27:21,080
- I said they were germs and they were.
- 0K. So what?
406
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:24,682
And I'm saying that disk will bring you misery.
407
00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:26,997
Just remember I said that.
408
00:27:27,087 --> 00:27:31,524
If she comes back and she's not interested,
I can handle it.
409
00:27:31,607 --> 00:27:36,078
Whatever, Lister. That disk
is a one-way ticket to Miseryville.
410
00:27:36,167 --> 00:27:39,125
I spent enough time listening to me paranoia.
411
00:27:39,207 --> 00:27:41,402
Now I'm listening to me confidence.
412
00:27:44,847 --> 00:27:46,644
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE)
413
00:27:51,527 --> 00:27:53,119
(JAZZ)
414
00:27:56,127 --> 00:27:58,687
Hi, Krissie... It's not gonna work.
415
00:27:58,767 --> 00:28:02,362
Hello, Krissie... That's not gonna work either.
416
00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:05,007
Hey! Yo! Krissie!
417
00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,240
(PATHETICALLY) Hi...
418
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:15,804
Lister, good luck. I mean it.
419
00:28:15,887 --> 00:28:18,799
- Smeg off.
- No, honestly. Good luck.
420
00:28:18,887 --> 00:28:21,606
0K, Hol. Switch it on.
421
00:28:24,207 --> 00:28:27,119
- Well, he did warn you.
- I certainly did.
422
00:28:27,207 --> 00:28:31,678
Do you honestly think I'd put
Kochanski's disk in Kochanski's box
423
00:28:31,767 --> 00:28:34,076
where any munchkin could find it?
424
00:28:34,167 --> 00:28:37,398
You think you had it bad before, Lister?
425
00:28:37,487 --> 00:28:40,923
Well, now you've got it in stereo, baby.
426
00:28:42,127 --> 00:28:46,723
- Welcome aboard, Rimmsie.
- Nice to be here, you son of a gun.
427
00:28:50,807 --> 00:28:52,604
It's cold outside
428
00:28:52,687 --> 00:28:54,484
There's no kind of atmosphere
429
00:28:54,567 --> 00:28:57,923
I'm all alone, more or less
430
00:28:58,007 --> 00:29:01,124
Let me fly far away from here
431
00:29:01,207 --> 00:29:03,960
Fun, fun, fun
432
00:29:04,047 --> 00:29:07,562
In the sun, sun, sun
433
00:29:07,647 --> 00:29:11,003
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
434
00:29:11,087 --> 00:29:14,363
Drinking fresh mango juice
435
00:29:14,447 --> 00:29:17,723
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
436
00:29:17,807 --> 00:29:20,480
Fun, fun, fun
437
00:29:20,567 --> 00:29:24,242
In the sun, sun, sun
438
00:29:24,327 --> 00:29:27,000
Fun, fun, fun
439
00:29:27,087 --> 00:29:31,160
In the sun, sun, sun
440
00:29:31,210 --> 00:29:35,760
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