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Red Dwarf 9x02 Back to Earth Part Two
25 fps - WS.PDTV.XviD-FoV
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www.tvsubtitles.net
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mail any suggestions/corrections to:
agnesa.keltosova@centrum.sk
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No way this will work
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I will probably end up in your head. Or someone else's legs.
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Something always goes wrong. I'm not building my hopes up.
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And we begin.
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Have you found any dirt on her yet?
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-Her character is flawless, sir.
-Damn!
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And if her character is flawless, that means...
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-I know. I'll have to frame her.
-No, sir! I mean...
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Is working. Now if calculation's correct,
portal should open now.
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It's working!
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Something is not right.
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It's saying we don't exist. How can this be possible?
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Taking us to nearest valid reality.
Makes no sense.
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-What size is this?
-This baby is 50 inches of full crotch throbbing pixel power.
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-I like it.
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-Too big, Is anything for the bedroom?
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-I don't know how much long I...
-... It's crazy.
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-What about this one?
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-I don't know how much longer..
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Yes, something is real. Send Rimmer to first see it's safe.
24
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-What?
-Wait!
25
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I said waaaaaaait!
26
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-What was that?
27
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-Did you hear something smash?
-On TV.
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I don't know how much longer (???)
29
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-Was it HTV? (???)
-Yes, a submersion of HTV. (???)
30
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-Where are we, Kryten?
-Well, according to the Psi-scan, sir, we're in a department store in London
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-...in the early part of the 21st century.
-Early part of the 21st...
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Isn't that when all the banks went belly up and money became useless?
33
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I've read about that in history.
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What a sound system, eh? Sounds like you're
in the room, with them.
35
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-Red Dwarf. There's a new series?
36
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I don't really follow it myself.
37
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,399
Science-fiction. It's a little bit bollocks really, isn't it?
38
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That Psi-scan thing.
Knows everything, doesn't it?
39
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Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi-scan.
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How can it know everything?
Talk about rubbish.
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-Who's he, crack?
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Well, according to the Psi-scan, sir, he's a pompous
know-all know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington.
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-Coincidentally has a very small penis.
-How does a Psi-scan know that?
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-Well it scanned his e-mail, sir.
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He's already onto his 4th tub of
penis enlargement cream.
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Hey buds, the photo's closed.
We can't get back!
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What do you mean get back? We are back!
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This is it. This is home!
49
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And we got rid of Kremlin Kate,
let's crack open the vodka.
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-Is it me or is everyone staring?
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Also, they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir.
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They're just laughing at your face, Kryten.
Nothing to worry about.
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Back in the 21st century, they laughed
at freaks all the time.
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They used to have TV shows on saturday night,
where they gathered all the freaks,
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make them sing and dance,
then point and laugh at them.
56
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Simple people, simple tastes.
57
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Hey, Hey! What are these things?
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They're digital versatile discs, sir.
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DVDs for short. They were very popular
at the beginning of 21st century,
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before they died out and were replaced
by what we use now.
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-Well, you mean videos.
-Precisely.
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Back then no one knew, that the human race
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were utterly incapable of putting the DVDs
back in their cases.
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You can see the point.
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Over two trillion went missing
in just over 20 years.
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Videos are just too big to lose.
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Sirs, look!
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Red Dwarf! This is us!
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It's a TV series about us.
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It recounts all our adventures.
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Every single one of them.
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How's this possible?
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Wait, we're characters from a TV series
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who somehow escaped the TV well
into the real world.
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That explains why the dimension cutter said
our reality wasn't valid.
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I'm not real! I'm a character in a TV series.
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I'm not real?
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That explains so much
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I'm not real either?
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Does that mean I'm not really this good looking?
81
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Just typical of my luck, isn't it.
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Just when things start to right
it turns out that I'm...
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I'm not real.
Fantastic!
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But now, sirs. We need clear heads and equinimity.
85
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Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover
that we are just characters in a TV series.
86
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And naturally there's going to be a period
of climatisation. But it's essential
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But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective.
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We're not real! What are we gonna do?
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There! I think that's pretty much put in perspective,
don't you think?
90
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This is too weird for words.
91
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Hey guys, look at this!
92
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Back to Earth. That's the story we're in now.
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He's right, look!
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There's no disc in it.
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Coming soon, it's not out yet.
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Back to Earth. Takes place after series X.
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Kochanski's dead and the crew are held through a portal
98
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to discover they're just characters in a TV series.
99
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Knowing they will die in the final episode
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-Die?
the dwarfs in a best Blade Runner tradition
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track down their creators to plead for more life.
102
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How are we gonna do that?
103
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Easy! Hey buds, give us more life, I'm pleading with you! See?
104
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First the crew attempt to track down the actors
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that play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins.
106
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All my life I wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey!
For years! I never thought I'd get the chance!
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-So what happens next?
-It says it's a three-parter.
108
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No, not a three-parter! I hate three-parters!
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What if I'm not in that night?
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Saying I'm busy. What if?
111
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Oh, tell you what.
Toilets here are medieval.
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-Bet you felt right at home.
113
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There's no toilet paper. They don't use it in these days.
114
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-Like I said, they were simple people.
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-They eat spam.
-I mean there I am - in the cubicle, no paper...
116
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...wondering what to do.
117
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I open the door and see this machine on the wall
which blows out hot air.
118
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Then a twig!
119
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,599
-Tell you what, they got a different system here.
-Different system?
120
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Yeah, well, you gotta wash yourself in the sinks.
121
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And use the air machine to dry your bum.
122
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-And that's what you did?
-No choice. And those air machines are really hot.
123
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It's like you're holding your cheeks apart,
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jumping up and down trying to catch a breeze.
125
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I'll tell you something, they're not friendly around here.
126
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Trying to start a conversation - not once, no.
127
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Where's Cat and Kryten?
128
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They went to get some money.
Haven't got to be between us.
129
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Money? How they're gonna get money?
Some second hand shop.
130
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Kryten's gonna try and pone(?) his head.
131
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-And what about seeing?
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He can use his spare set of eyes.
Hanging out of his neckhole.
133
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Well that's a good look, isn't it?
That's not gonna stand out at all!
134
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-Hey!
-Any luck?
135
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They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir!
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and wouldn't take us seriously.
137
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We even offered to throw in one of his legs.
Still no deal.
138
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How are we gonna trace our creators?
We ain't got no wheels, ain't got no do.
139
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Money. I know how we can get money.
140
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How much we got?
141
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We've got 15 combs, 2 mobile phones,
3 packets of gum,
142
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2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses
and 19 pieces of popcorn.
143
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I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller or Shurgar(?) anytime.
144
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-What about the money?
145
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So far we got 19 pounds and 43 pence.
146
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-Now what?
147
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Well, according to this, we get on the tube
and we go to a science fiction club called
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They walk among us.
149
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This is too weird for words.
150
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Hey buds, check this!
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Look, that's me!
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Look at that! And that!
153
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,599
-Listening to music?
-No. Why?
154
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I was just wondering if you could help us.
155
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We're trying to find the guys involved in the making
of the TV series called Red Dwarf.
156
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We're trying to find out if our show, well,
this is weird - we're not the actors.
157
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We're the real characters.
158
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There was this kinda dimension thing..
159
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Dimension skid, was it?
160
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,599
Happens a lot this time of year.
161
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One minute you're fine, the next...
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...you're in a new dimension.
163
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Gotta be so careful.
164
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Thank god for that. He's insane.
165
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,599
So you have to have the cast info?
166
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We need some advice.
167
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,599
I can't give you any numbers, but I know a man who can.
168
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,599
El presidente of the Red Dwarf Fanclub.
169
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,599
There's nothing that guy doesn't know about the small rouge one.
170
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We've got a fan club?
171
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,599
You've just got taken over. Bit of a fanatic.
Changes his name to Red Dwarf.
172
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People have to call him Mr. Warf.
173
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His sitting room looks just like your sleeping quarters.
174
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Got an H tattooed on his head.
175
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It's not like us, he's a bit weird.
176
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Redge, dude. It's N... here.
177
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Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.
178
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,599
Guess who I've got standing in my shop.
179
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Go on, guess! No!
180
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:15,599
No! No! No! Oh? No! No!
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Should I tell you? No. No. Should I tell you?
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I'm gonna tell you anyway.
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I've got standing in my shop
the real actual crew from Red Dwarf.
184
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Had a bit of a dimension skid.
185
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,599
Yeah, that's what I said.
186
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,599
Well, they're trying to find out
how many shows they've got left.
187
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,599
Exactly. Need some numbers,
know you've got 'em.
188
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,599
What? Why?
189
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,599
Can't give out cast info. Space code directive 596.
190
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,599
596?
191
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,100
Love it, when he does this and gets it all wrong.
192
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:05,199
596? Spacecode superchimps before made active
decency in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges
193
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:09,199
No, Sir. The crew's files are for the captain only.
194
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,199
So we're smegged.
195
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,199
-What's that?
-That's Dave Lister's bath from season IX.
196
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:22,199
Best season ever if you ask me. Awesome season.
Best by miles.
197
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:29,199
You were in that, remember, when Kryten ran in
and told you that Kochanski had been sucked out of an air lock.
198
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,199
Fish scale?
199
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,199
Not fish!
200
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,199
Could be a bit of poppadom.
201
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,199
Who doesn't need a curry in the bath?
202
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,199
Maybe it's artificial snake scale
from the one Polymorph turned into.
203
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,199
Kryten?
204
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,199
It's got a licence number and a props maker's name - Swallow.
205
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,199
I've seen that name here.
206
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,199
Hey, here it is.
207
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,199
Swallow & Cast, waiting for taxis
fan convention 2009
208
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,199
Kryten, scan the photo and beam it onto that TV.
209
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:12,199
Uncrop.
Wait, what's that?
210
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,199
-Frame left. That card. Zoom in.
-Swallow. Pick up. 3 o'clock.
211
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,199
Must be his taxi. Bet the address is on the other side.
212
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:24,199
Pull out. Stop. Wait. I've got an idea.
Track in. Stop. Enhance reflection.
213
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:29,199
Need another reflective surface to get back across the street.
214
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:34,199
Zoom in. Pan right. See if there are any waterdrops
on that lamp post.
215
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:38,199
Got one. Thanks, fighto. Zoom 80.
216
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,199
Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 170
217
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,199
-Zoom 220.
-What's that?
218
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,199
Flop. That's the taxi driver.
There's the business card.
219
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,199
Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees.
220
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,199
Track in!
Swallow's business address.
221
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,199
Oh sir, wouldn't it have been quicker
to look him up in the phonebook?
222
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:05,199
Print me a 4 by 6 and any more remarks like that
I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal.
223
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,199
Makes latex masks for the film and TV industry.
Specializing in noses.
224
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,199
Maybe if we track him down
he'll point us in the right direction.
225
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,199
But sir, how are we gonna get there?
That's over 30 miles away.
226
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:22,199
-I know. Hollyhop drive.
-Back on Red Dwarf.
227
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,199
-Metapuddle.
-Back on Red Dwarf.
228
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:31,199
Time slides, when you walk into a photograph and...
-Back on Red Dwarf.
229
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,199
-Got it! Beam there!
-That's Star Trek, not us! We don't do that, sir.
230
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:40,199
All right, if you've got no teleportation systems
or any material reassemblers,
231
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,199
no option's left - you have to catch the bus.
232
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,199
Neurotic? I'm not neurotic!
233
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,199
I've never been neurotic! Neurotic? Neurotic?
234
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,199
Are they insane? Who writes this stuff?
235
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,199
I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.
236
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,199
Didn't have time, I was too busy washing my hands
237
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,199
Hilarious. In what way am I hilarious?
238
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,199
Name one way in which I'm hilarious. Just one, one way.
239
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,199
Well you're pompous without reason, sir,
and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals.
240
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,199
Well, I'm lord of the star fleet, Kryten
and you'll pay for that remark.
241
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,199
Four for Blabla Street, bla bla please.
242
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,199
Hilariously unrealistic life goals. That's true.
That's so true. That's funny.
243
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,199
Where's first class?
244
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,199
It's all first class, mate!
245
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,199
Excellent!
246
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,199
Looking forward to the complimenatary champagne
and little towels.
247
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:39,199
Look, let's split up, so we don't look conspicuous, yeah?
248
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,199
The actress who plays her.
249
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,199
Of course.
250
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,199
She's alive in this dimension, isn't she?
251
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:08,199
-You are Dave Lister, aren't you?
-Yeah. How do you know?
252
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,199
We watch you with dad on Dave.
253
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,199
Dave?
254
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,199
A TV channel. What's it like, having a whole
TV channel named after you?
255
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,199
-You're pretty cool.
256
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,199
Cool?
257
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:26,199
-You don't take any smeg, that's cool.
-And even though you're disgusting,
258
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,199
sometimes you're quite brave.
259
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,199
Are you sad about Kochanski?
260
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,199
We were sad too. So is dad.
261
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,199
Then we worked it out.
262
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,199
What? What out?
263
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,199
She is not really dead.
264
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:51,199
Kryten was the only one to see her die, right?
See her get sucked out the air lock.
265
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,199
-But she didn't.
-She didn't?
266
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:58,199
-Kryten made it up.
-Why would he do that?
267
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,199
-You were a mess, falling apart.
-Drinking, being deaf(?).
268
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:06,199
-She couldn't bear to stand and watch you die.
And you wouldn't listen.
269
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,199
So she took the blue midget and acted it.
270
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,199
Why would Kryten lie to me?
271
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,199
She was only trying to save your feelings.
272
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:17,199
So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser.
You've been dumped.
273
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,199
I was dumped once. It was really horrible.
274
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,199
Dumped?
275
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,199
But that would mean, that would mean she was still alive.
276
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,199
She is still alive, I bet you!
277
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,199
She's really good at guessing stuff. That DVD - Titanic
278
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,199
she knew that ship would sink right from the start.
279
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,199
She could tell. Even in that bible film.
280
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:50,199
She said: Jesus - he's not dead. I bet ya.
281
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,199
In next series, try and find her!
282
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:56,199
-Get her back.
-Kiss her! I know I would.
283
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,199
There isn't gonna be a next series.
284
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,199
I'm a fictional character.
285
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,199
I don't exist.
286
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,199
-I think you exist.
-And I do too.
287
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,199
Hey, our stop!
288
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,199
Just smeg it!
289
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:24,199
You think you outsmart me, yes?
But you don't. I here.
290
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,199
Cut a second hole.
291
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,199
Science officer. Excellent.
So pleased you've caught up with us.
292
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:35,199
You gave me slip, I know. You not want be erased,
but you won't defeat me. I too smart.
293
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,199
Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
294
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,199
No. Hologram already dead.
295
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,199
Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine.
296
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,199
Fair enough.
297
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,199
Come on. We haven't got all day.
298
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,199
She didn't see that coming, did she? I did.
299
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,199
Man, this is too weird for words.
300
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,199
Nose world. Here it is.
Maker of latex masks for TV industry
301
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:12,199
specializing in noses.
I didn't know I could read chinese.
302
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,199
You really think this guy will be able to help?
303
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,199
He worked on a TV show, we're all
fictional characters and
304
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,199
he's got to know the address of our creator
305
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,199
What if he doesn't?
306
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,199
Well, at least we're here to pick up a spare nose.
307
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,199
Hey! That's my coat!
308
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,199
Give me that! Where'd you get my coat?
309
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,199
I get from Red Dwarf costume department.
310
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,199
End of series night.
311
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,199
I stole many things, sell on eBay.
312
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:57,199
I even stole a car, from Red Dwarf fan club president.
313
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,199
Why are you here?
314
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,199
Illogical. You should be inside TV.
315
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,199
Questions need answers.
316
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,199
How many episodes have we got left?
317
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,199
Is it true we're going to die?
318
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,199
I don't know that stuff.
319
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,199
I just do noses.
320
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,199
-Latex.
-Who does know?
321
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,199
Big boss. He know everything.
322
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:28,199
He pick your nose, he pick your brain.
He pick your brain too.
323
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,199
It was a Friday.
324
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,199
How do we get to see him?
325
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,199
I know man who know where.
326
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:41,199
He know where boss. He know address.
327
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,199
So cold!
328
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,199
You said before you stole a car.
329
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,199
Red Dwarf fan club president car.
330
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,199
You want to borrow?
331
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,199
All legal.
332
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,199
You can't be serious.
333
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,199
We're not driving this!
334
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,199
Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock.
335
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,199
Well, beggers can't be choosers.
336
00:23:26,249 --> 00:23:30,799
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