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- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Here it goes. Same routine every day.
3
00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:14,113
Yeah, I've been noticing that.
Starts with his lucky cup.
4
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:17,016
But he has to check it for dust.
5
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Now he pours the coffee.
6
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,720
And always over pours.
7
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,456
But then he pours some back.
8
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:28,427
Now watch. He taps the sugar five times.
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Both: One, two, three, four, five.
10
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All right, now watch his face.
11
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,005
This is where he realizes
it isn't sweet enough.
12
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:44,610
So he adds another.
13
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,314
Both: One, two, three, four, five.
14
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,719
And this is the part where he realizes
15
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,989
he works with Jack and Ass.
16
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(Theme music plays)
Mama said she didn't raise no fool
17
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:05,398
One mind apart is
never stronger than two
18
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,967
I'm about the life,
about to come on strong
19
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,735
Come on come on, come on, come on
20
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Whoa, yeah
21
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One mind apart is
never stronger than two
22
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Whoa, yeah
23
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,479
Mama said she didn't raise no fool.
24
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:25,017
Marcus, I have glorious news.
25
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,687
At last, the long, arduous wait is over.
26
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:31,324
They approved fracking
on your family property?
27
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Even better.
28
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:34,493
I have cashew,
29
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,062
I have almond,
30
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and brace yourself, macadamia.
31
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,433
What the hell is that?
32
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,335
These are rare nut butters.
33
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You mean peanut butter?
34
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Oh, how pedestrian.
35
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,541
These are imported from Costa Rica.
36
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,277
They are handpicked by
well-trained and endangered
37
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,647
orange-bottom capuchin monkeys
at the peak of the season.
38
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That sounds so amazing.
39
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Oh, my God, man!
40
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,021
That's $300 an ounce!
41
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,556
You can only get it once every five years.
42
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,525
I don't want no open jars
43
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:08,294
of monkey butter in this office.
44
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Fine. Well, like it or
not, this is my office, too.
45
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,565
I don't like it.
46
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,600
And from now on, don't
bring anything in here
47
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,369
without asking me. You got that?
48
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,938
This just arrived.
49
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:21,374
- What the hell is that?
- It's mine.
50
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,643
Thought I'd class this place up a bit.
51
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,077
Try to make it a little more me.
52
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,580
And by that, I mean a little less you.
53
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:31,183
No, no, no, no, no, no... oh!
54
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:35,655
Oh, no, no, no, no. This thing
is gonna give me nightmares.
55
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:39,191
- Don't look at it.
- Get it the hell out of here.
56
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:40,660
Please, you big baby.
57
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You get one when you make
partner at my father's law firm.
58
00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:44,631
Does it come with darts?
59
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,234
Who said you could hang that anyway?
60
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:51,537
I asked this firm's newest
partner, and I said yes.
61
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,606
Well, let me check with the senior partner.
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I say hell, no.
63
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,219
Hi. I'm looking for Allen Braddock.
64
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,355
Tell him it's Jake Garrett.
65
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,891
Of course.
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00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:17,430
Allen, there is a man here to see you
67
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:20,066
who is guilty of extreme attractiveness
68
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,234
and could be charged with smelling like
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00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:25,038
a freshly-baked airport cinnabon.
70
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:29,408
Jake Garrett is here?
71
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,243
I used to play poker with him.
72
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:34,246
Jake could lead us to the kind of
lucrative clients we're looking for.
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00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:36,415
Let him in.
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00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:38,050
This guy has big money.
75
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,952
I once saw him lose an
entire building in one hand.
76
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,154
How do you lose a building playing poker?
77
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,957
Three Martinis and a pair of 10s.
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00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,128
Michael: Allen, Marcus, this is Jake.
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00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,664
- Allen Braddock. nice to see you, Allen.
- Jake.
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00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,899
How's the splendor sailing?
You got her out of dry dock yet?
81
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,568
Oh, not until I fix that keel rod.
82
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,203
Yachting.
83
00:03:57,204 --> 00:04:00,172
Kills me how it always comes
down to that one race...
84
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,575
Caucasian.
85
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,611
I'd like you to meet my
partner Marcus Jackson.
86
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:08,981
So what brings you here,
Jake, besides your Bentley?
87
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,950
Well, this is a sensitive matter
88
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,885
and so I wanted to avoid the big firms.
89
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,121
Since you no longer
travel in those circles,
90
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,555
you were the first person I thought of.
91
00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:20,026
You hear that? First person.
92
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,894
I trust that you'll be discreet
93
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,330
and not mention to anyone that
we're in business together.
94
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:25,999
That makes two of us.
95
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,403
I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.
96
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:33,406
- I believe she has cheated on me.
- The strumpet!
97
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,008
I'll draw up the papers right away.
98
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,444
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll.
99
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,446
What makes you think your
wife is cheating on you?
100
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,603
Well, my wife recently�gave birth to a son.
101
00:04:43,604 --> 00:04:44,550
Congratulations.
102
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,486
Yeah, but he's, um... let's
see, how do I put this?
103
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,089
This is my wife Heather.
104
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:53,426
Gorgeous. Empires have fallen for less.
105
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Exactly.
106
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,296
So doesn't it seem impossible
107
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that two people that look
like us could produce this?
108
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:10,277
Such strong features for a newborn.
109
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,146
Give me that.
110
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,883
Babies are beautiful gifts from God, okay?
111
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,386
Now this baby... oh, damn!
112
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Oh!
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It's a newborn and it got teeth.
114
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Oh!
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You must be so proud.
116
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,966
The only explanation is
that she cheated on me
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with something that looks like that.
118
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,538
It offends me personally
119
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:41,607
that this has happened to you.
120
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:44,643
I knew you'd understand.
What's your retainer?
121
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,313
- We generally...
- Don't go under 10,000.
122
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,381
And that's because you're a friend.
123
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:52,318
Well, the funds will be in
your account within the hour.
124
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What the...
125
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,356
- I'll walk you out.
- Allow me.
126
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:03,429
And that is how you get some cash
flowing around this place, huh?
127
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:06,365
$10,000?
128
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,168
That's how I roll.
129
00:06:21,182 --> 00:06:24,985
Disowning a child because
it's ugly is just wrong.
130
00:06:24,986 --> 00:06:27,888
Now, where would we be if Mama Lincoln
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had abandoned little, ugly Abe, hmm?
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I know where I'd be.
133
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I'm not so sure about you.
134
00:06:37,298 --> 00:06:40,767
Look, I understand Jake being attractive
135
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,436
leads to an easier, more successful life.
136
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I'm living proof.
137
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,942
Look, we don't need this case, man.
138
00:06:48,943 --> 00:06:50,110
We're doing just fine.
139
00:06:50,111 --> 00:06:52,913
Would you stop striving for fine?
140
00:06:52,914 --> 00:06:54,815
It's sad.
141
00:06:54,816 --> 00:06:56,984
And it's cancelling out my Xanax.
142
00:07:00,154 --> 00:07:03,056
Hey, Michael, I need to get
that file on Jake Garrett.
143
00:07:03,057 --> 00:07:05,425
Allen wants me to go get
DNA for a paternity test.
144
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,161
I already pulled it for you.
145
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:13,363
- Enjoy.
- Oh, no.
146
00:07:13,935 --> 00:07:16,970
Oh, this baby's photo
is all the birth control
147
00:07:16,971 --> 00:07:20,073
- I will ever need.
- That's not a baby.
148
00:07:20,074 --> 00:07:22,175
That's a cross between
Steve Buscemi and a hot dog
149
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:25,812
that's been boiling since 2012.
150
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,948
Allen needs to sign my report card.
151
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:30,317
My mom's in Saudi Arabia
getting her eyebrows threaded.
152
00:07:30,318 --> 00:07:31,985
They're the best.
153
00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:33,854
They've spent centuries taming those things
154
00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:36,189
'cause it's the only thing
that shows under a burka.
155
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:38,326
This baby needs a burka.
156
00:07:41,496 --> 00:07:43,897
Ew! That's a baby?
157
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,133
It needs Botox.
158
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,501
What?
159
00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:50,470
They don't have Botox for babies.
160
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,339
Oh, they totally do.
161
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,274
It's called Bo-tots.
162
00:07:54,275 --> 00:07:56,009
My friend's baby sister had it.
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00:07:56,010 --> 00:07:57,511
She's, like, eight months old now
164
00:07:57,512 --> 00:07:59,980
and she only looks three months.
165
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:02,916
- That's terrifying.
- No, it's awesome.
166
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:04,518
When she cries, her face doesn't move.
167
00:08:04,519 --> 00:08:06,087
(Mimicking crying)
168
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,892
She's already on her fifth modeling job.
169
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:15,061
Michael!
170
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,130
Michael!
171
00:08:17,131 --> 00:08:19,199
What is so important? What is it?
172
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,502
This picture, man... it's freaking me out.
173
00:08:23,204 --> 00:08:24,838
Well, um, have you tried
174
00:08:24,839 --> 00:08:27,941
complaining about it for hours?
175
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,943
It's creepy, man.
176
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:33,815
It's like being stalked by the
head of security at Walmart.
177
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,185
Leave it to pompous rich
people to spend that much money
178
00:08:38,186 --> 00:08:41,488
on a blowup of a really bad selfie.
179
00:08:41,489 --> 00:08:44,558
He did that to get into my head.
180
00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,828
Okay. All right, calm down.
181
00:08:47,829 --> 00:08:50,831
Sit here and listen to me.
182
00:08:50,832 --> 00:08:53,533
You hired me because of my intuition
183
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,936
and common sense, right?
184
00:08:55,937 --> 00:08:58,104
Well, I hired you because
your dad asked me to
185
00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,041
and I owed him money at the time.
186
00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,410
Look, you're the one who needed his money
187
00:09:03,411 --> 00:09:07,180
and sold him half your practice
the day after you met him.
188
00:09:07,181 --> 00:09:10,484
I know lesbians who don't
get involved that quickly.
189
00:09:12,353 --> 00:09:14,321
And now you have to deal
with the consequences.
190
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,991
And that is one of them.
191
00:09:18,259 --> 00:09:20,193
He's not so bad.
192
00:09:20,194 --> 00:09:22,495
Just do what I do... on
the outside be really nice,
193
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,531
but on the inside think about
194
00:09:24,532 --> 00:09:26,800
how desperately he needs us
195
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:30,337
and how his entire family disowned him.
196
00:09:30,338 --> 00:09:33,006
It makes me smile.
197
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,242
Michael, can you put on a pot of coffee?
198
00:09:35,243 --> 00:09:37,778
You got it, boss.
199
00:09:42,183 --> 00:09:45,552
You know, I've been thinking about
Jake's sweet, little ugly baby.
200
00:09:45,553 --> 00:09:49,823
- Alleged baby.
- No, it's an actual baby.
201
00:09:49,824 --> 00:09:52,144
And I decided I'm
willing to take this on.
202
00:09:52,145 --> 00:09:53,260
Good.
203
00:09:53,261 --> 00:09:55,996
The more money we make, the
more charity cases you can take.
204
00:09:55,997 --> 00:09:57,898
What do you know about charity?
205
00:09:57,899 --> 00:10:00,066
I will have you know that when I die,
206
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:03,837
the Art Institute gets that painting.
207
00:10:03,838 --> 00:10:05,539
Why don't you give it to them now?
208
00:10:10,979 --> 00:10:14,979
Jake, are you ready for the
results of your paternity test?
209
00:10:15,717 --> 00:10:18,252
Well, I'm ready to confirm
what I already know.
210
00:10:21,589 --> 00:10:23,825
I'm afraid I have devastating news.
211
00:10:26,227 --> 00:10:27,729
You are the father of the baby.
212
00:10:30,231 --> 00:10:33,667
All those tests and clinics
213
00:10:33,668 --> 00:10:35,469
and all that trouble just to produce this?
214
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:38,572
Tests? Clinics?
215
00:10:38,573 --> 00:10:41,508
- Trouble?
- No.
216
00:10:41,509 --> 00:10:44,144
No.
217
00:10:44,145 --> 00:10:46,680
No.
218
00:10:46,681 --> 00:10:49,549
For the longest time,
we couldn't get pregnant,
219
00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:52,552
and so we ended up trying in vitro.
220
00:10:52,553 --> 00:10:54,755
We were so happy when it worked.
221
00:10:54,756 --> 00:10:57,057
- Or did it?
- It did.
222
00:10:57,058 --> 00:10:59,059
So, Jake, go home,
223
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:01,496
put on some rubber
gloves, and love that baby.
224
00:11:03,197 --> 00:11:05,732
No, wait! Wait!
225
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,200
What if the clinic made a mistake?
226
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:08,835
If a hospital can switch babies,
227
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:11,972
why can't a fertility
clinic scramble a few eggs?
228
00:11:11,973 --> 00:11:14,075
Because it's a clinic, not Denny's.
229
00:11:15,576 --> 00:11:17,944
Jake, this is your life.
230
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,081
Let us help you bring
closure to this issue,
231
00:11:21,082 --> 00:11:23,984
even if it means suing a wealthy,
highly-insured medical clinic.
232
00:11:23,985 --> 00:11:27,621
You are right.
233
00:11:27,622 --> 00:11:30,090
We've come this far, we shouldn't stop now.
234
00:11:30,091 --> 00:11:32,559
That is some good thinking, guys.
235
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,095
I just sent you another check.
236
00:11:35,096 --> 00:11:36,631
(Chuckling)
237
00:11:38,733 --> 00:11:41,602
- (Phone chimes)
- And it just cleared.
238
00:11:53,014 --> 00:11:55,515
So how are we going to get them
to show us her medical records?
239
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:57,117
I've got a plan. Follow my lead.
240
00:11:57,118 --> 00:11:59,686
Hi.
241
00:11:59,687 --> 00:12:02,689
- He's here to test�his sperm.
- What...
242
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:04,058
Sidebar.
243
00:12:06,527 --> 00:12:07,317
What?
244
00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:10,097
Don't be telling
people�my boys can't swim.
245
00:12:10,098 --> 00:12:13,767
I could impregnate half
of Chicago if I wanted to.
246
00:12:13,768 --> 00:12:16,037
Look at her. Boom. Third trimester.
247
00:12:18,773 --> 00:12:21,208
All right, you've got magazines in there,
248
00:12:21,209 --> 00:12:23,610
videos in there,
249
00:12:23,611 --> 00:12:25,545
and cups there.
250
00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:27,814
Figure it out.
251
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,851
I'll be back in...
252
00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:33,887
Seven minutes.
253
00:12:33,888 --> 00:12:35,856
Can you make that 12?
254
00:12:35,857 --> 00:12:37,959
A little foreplay.
255
00:12:40,862 --> 00:12:42,562
All right, come on.
256
00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:44,631
Let's go try to find the records room.
257
00:12:44,632 --> 00:12:47,000
I'm not going to get caught
sneaking around back here.
258
00:12:47,001 --> 00:12:49,035
Now I got us this far, you on your own.
259
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,706
I got some business to handle.
260
00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:03,217
- (Man screams)
- Sorry!
261
00:13:06,788 --> 00:13:08,022
I hope you're having that removed.
262
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:31,578
3D porn?
263
00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:34,515
Ohh. Oh.
264
00:13:38,553 --> 00:13:39,461
(Music on TV)
265
00:13:39,461 --> 00:13:42,489
Woman on TV: I'm your
downstairs neighbor Paprika.
266
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:44,747
Your plumbing is dripping on me.
267
00:13:44,747 --> 00:13:46,893
Look how wet my shirt is.
268
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,896
Woman 2: Maybe we could
plug the leak together.
269
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:03,777
(Door opens)
270
00:14:03,778 --> 00:14:06,112
Hello. I'm Dr. Radis.
271
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:10,278
What can we do for you, Mr. Yamamoto?
272
00:14:11,552 --> 00:14:14,254
Yes, well, I'm actually
starting to have second thoughts.
273
00:14:14,255 --> 00:14:16,823
Everyone does the first time
they see a cosmetic surgeon.
274
00:14:16,824 --> 00:14:19,893
Quite honestly, you make
an excellent candidate.
275
00:14:19,894 --> 00:14:22,781
You've developed plenty
of character in your face.
276
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,765
I can get rid of it all.
277
00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:30,003
How much character are we talking about?
278
00:14:30,004 --> 00:14:32,639
- (Woman 2 on TV giggles)
- I'm wet everywhere.
279
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,609
Oh, my Lord.
280
00:14:36,811 --> 00:14:39,813
Man, 3D? More like double D.
281
00:14:39,814 --> 00:14:41,748
Whoo.
282
00:14:41,749 --> 00:14:43,850
Woman: We'll get a better angle.
283
00:14:43,851 --> 00:14:47,520
Woman 2: Good thinking.
Look out, it's gonna burst.
284
00:14:47,521 --> 00:14:49,823
- (Water spraying)
- Oh!
285
00:14:49,824 --> 00:14:52,159
A nip here, a tuck there, and voil?.
286
00:14:56,797 --> 00:14:59,065
My God.
287
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:02,235
I'm breathtaking.
288
00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:05,505
(TV conversation continues indistinctly)
289
00:15:05,506 --> 00:15:07,741
Woman: Okay, that sounds nice.
290
00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:11,878
(Woman 2 giggles) Oh, it went everywhere!
291
00:15:11,879 --> 00:15:14,548
(Conversation continues indistinctly)
292
00:15:20,655 --> 00:15:23,557
Woman 2: Oh, no.
That must be my husband...
293
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:30,697
Man: Is there room in this bed for
a sweaty coal miner with back hair?
294
00:15:30,698 --> 00:15:33,233
Damn it.
295
00:15:33,234 --> 00:15:35,536
Take a look at these before
and afters of my work.
296
00:15:37,705 --> 00:15:40,508
Oh, my. Yes, that is a noble nose.
297
00:15:42,710 --> 00:15:46,012
You know, I have always
wanted a divot right there.
298
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:49,650
- We call that the Travolta.
- Ah.
299
00:15:50,885 --> 00:15:51,953
Hold on a minute.
300
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:57,490
Who is this woman?
301
00:15:57,491 --> 00:15:59,526
Oh, yeah, she's one of
my proudest achievements.
302
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,728
It's amazing what I can do for 200 grand.
303
00:16:01,729 --> 00:16:03,064
We took her down to the studs.
304
00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:09,469
(Woman laughing on TV)
305
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:11,938
Marcus, I got it. I got the proof.
306
00:16:11,939 --> 00:16:14,074
Allen, Allen, this is incredible.
307
00:16:14,075 --> 00:16:16,876
It's like being there.
This could replace sex.
308
00:16:16,877 --> 00:16:19,612
- Look at this.
- Oh, what the...
309
00:16:19,613 --> 00:16:21,081
What the hell happened to you?
310
00:16:21,082 --> 00:16:23,783
You look like a butcher's drawing of a cow.
311
00:16:23,784 --> 00:16:27,087
Jake's wife was lying to him,
but not about what he thought.
312
00:16:27,088 --> 00:16:30,558
- This is what she used to look like.
- Damn!
313
00:16:32,126 --> 00:16:34,928
- The ugly baby had an ugly mama?
- Mm-hmm.
314
00:16:34,929 --> 00:16:37,831
I... I can't believe that's Jake's wife.
315
00:16:37,832 --> 00:16:40,667
The woman's been carved up more than a
honeybaked ham. Let's get out of here.
316
00:16:40,668 --> 00:16:43,970
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. I
want to see how this ends.
317
00:16:43,971 --> 00:16:46,741
Spoiler alert... the plumbing
never gets fixed. Let's go.
318
00:16:49,944 --> 00:16:51,644
Come on.
319
00:16:51,645 --> 00:16:53,514
Woman on TV:
Did somebody call a cheerleader?
320
00:17:04,492 --> 00:17:08,194
Wait till Jake finds out his
wife was the original ugly baby.
321
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:11,031
Look, we got hired to see if
she was cheating; She's not.
322
00:17:11,032 --> 00:17:14,100
The baby is his. Our job is done.
323
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,636
The job is never going
to be over for anyone
324
00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:19,639
having to help this sweet
baby, bless his heart.
325
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,074
His poor mother's going to have to borrow
326
00:17:21,075 --> 00:17:22,710
a better-looking baby to take to church.
327
00:17:24,512 --> 00:17:26,012
Mama, were you listening again?
328
00:17:26,013 --> 00:17:29,582
Honey, we live upstairs over your office.
329
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,684
The only thing blocking
the sound around here
330
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:34,521
is an open staircase...
Of course I was listening.
331
00:17:34,522 --> 00:17:37,557
Mama, this ain't your business.
332
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:39,025
Ruth, will you please talk with your son?
333
00:17:39,026 --> 00:17:41,127
Stop trying to get her on your side.
334
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:44,230
Look, I am on the side of whatever
generates money for this place.
335
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,800
And that would be my side.
Think of the endless revenue.
336
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:49,969
This information leads to
their eventual divorce...
337
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:52,290
Which leads to a prenup
for the new marriage.
338
00:17:52,291 --> 00:17:53,139
Which leads to a new divorce.
339
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,542
Which leads to Marcus
getting me a condo in Mexico
340
00:17:55,543 --> 00:17:57,912
with a fine houseboy named Juan.
341
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,714
You know, I just don't
want to be responsible
342
00:18:01,715 --> 00:18:03,817
for ruining someone else's marriage.
343
00:18:03,818 --> 00:18:05,785
I'll do it.
344
00:18:05,786 --> 00:18:09,756
Why don't you do this for me? Let this go.
345
00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:11,959
Do that. Do that.
346
00:18:13,794 --> 00:18:16,029
Fine.
347
00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:18,998
I'm still not sure why we're here.
348
00:18:18,999 --> 00:18:21,901
Heather, I just wanted you to hear
whatever it is that they found out.
349
00:18:21,902 --> 00:18:24,003
We are certain
350
00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:26,506
that you two are the
biological parents of the baby.
351
00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:28,975
That's why you brought me here?
352
00:18:28,976 --> 00:18:31,711
I just wanted to make sure
that no stone was left unturned.
353
00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:34,214
We have discussed this over and over.
354
00:18:34,215 --> 00:18:35,915
You promised you would let it go.
355
00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:38,952
And I will now that we know the truth.
356
00:18:38,953 --> 00:18:40,987
And the truth will set you free.
357
00:18:40,988 --> 00:18:42,623
Bye-bye now.
358
00:18:44,258 --> 00:18:46,259
The truth is, Jake,
359
00:18:46,260 --> 00:18:48,562
you are a shallow, vapid ass.
360
00:18:51,065 --> 00:18:53,266
Oh, and here's some more truth for you.
361
00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:55,568
I have had so much work done,
362
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,203
you wouldn't even recognize the real me.
363
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,940
Oh, thank God! It's true! We have pictures.
364
00:19:01,909 --> 00:19:04,110
- I'm leaving you, Jake.
- But, I mean...
365
00:19:04,111 --> 00:19:06,846
Heather, I'm sorry!
366
00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:09,782
I mean, at least now we know the
baby isn't ugly because of me.
367
00:19:09,783 --> 00:19:12,019
Oh, damn. Shots fired.
368
00:19:14,088 --> 00:19:16,523
My ugly they could fix.
369
00:19:16,524 --> 00:19:19,159
All the money in the world won't fix yours.
370
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,227
Jake, we're here for you.
371
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,496
You're fired.
372
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,000
And I'm going to go after
everything you've got.
373
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,970
Heather, we're here for you.
374
00:19:35,911 --> 00:19:38,546
I feel sorry for Heather. She trusted Jake.
375
00:19:38,547 --> 00:19:41,649
Now she's left with nothing but
a perfectly reconstructed body
376
00:19:41,650 --> 00:19:43,484
and a 16-figure settlement
to keep her going.
377
00:19:43,485 --> 00:19:45,619
Now she's all alone.
378
00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:48,589
Something tells me this isn't
just about Jake and Heather.
379
00:19:48,590 --> 00:19:52,059
What if Renee was my one and
only true love, and now that's it?
380
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:55,162
- I'm alone.
- Marcus, Renee cheated on you.
381
00:19:55,163 --> 00:19:56,564
Count your blessings.
382
00:19:56,565 --> 00:19:57,865
You got "till death do us part"
383
00:19:57,866 --> 00:20:00,935
reduced to a 22-year
sentence with time served.
384
00:20:00,936 --> 00:20:03,504
Then why do I feel like
I'm starting over, too?
385
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:06,006
This is a great time for you.
386
00:20:06,007 --> 00:20:07,975
You can do anything. You're
going to meet a lot of women.
387
00:20:07,976 --> 00:20:11,812
Carpe scrotum, man.
Seize life by the balls.
388
00:20:11,813 --> 00:20:13,847
What if it's too late?
389
00:20:13,848 --> 00:20:16,917
I'm going to tell you a little
story I think might help.
390
00:20:16,918 --> 00:20:19,119
Please, don't.
391
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,656
Once upon a time...
392
00:20:23,625 --> 00:20:26,093
There was a kind,
393
00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:27,896
somewhat annoying prince...
394
00:20:30,532 --> 00:20:33,701
And he was deceived and then abandoned
395
00:20:33,702 --> 00:20:37,004
by the princess he had loved for many years
396
00:20:37,005 --> 00:20:39,525
and he lived happily ever after.
397
00:20:40,475 --> 00:20:42,476
He got to smoke cigars in his own home
398
00:20:42,477 --> 00:20:45,079
and watch football games
without interruption.
399
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,814
Never made his bed
400
00:20:46,815 --> 00:20:48,950
and even peed a little
on the floor sometimes.
401
00:20:52,721 --> 00:20:56,490
And all his married friends
envied his disposable income
402
00:20:56,491 --> 00:20:59,827
and unlimited free weekend nights.
403
00:20:59,828 --> 00:21:01,029
The end.
404
00:21:03,098 --> 00:21:05,900
That's a damn good story!
405
00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:09,870
Well, it's your story.
406
00:21:09,871 --> 00:21:11,573
Tell it again.
407
00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:15,676
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408
00:21:15,726 --> 00:21:20,276
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