Original subtitles

- Hey, good morning. - Please, please. Shh.

No chatter today.

I have a massive headache.

Man, you look like hell.

How bad is it?

Like a neurological tsunami.

- How long have you had it? - Since I woke up this morning.

Please, I really don't feel like talking.

You know, maybe you got a cold.

You know they start with a headache.

Sometimes you get that pounding

and that pounding and that pounding.

Will you please?

Sorry about that.

(Yelling) Hey, Michael!

Keep it quiet out there! He got a headache!

Allen, you've got a headache?

Somebody get me a pistol.

Did you do a lot of reading?

Sometimes you can get a headache from eyestrain.

I am not suffering from eyestrain.

When's the last time you went to the bathroom?

Yeah, you could be backed up.

You are a little anal retentive.

I'm going home.

Thought I could feel better if I just came in and worked quietly,

but apparently, I was wrong.

Try an aspirin!

(Theme music plays)

Mama said she didn't raise no fool

One mind apart is never stronger than two

I'm about the life, about to come on strong

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Whoa, yeah

One mind apart is never stronger than two

Whoa, yeah

Mama said she didn't raise no fool.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Denise, you cheated on Daniel

with his brother

while you were asleep.

I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

I love my husband.

I would never do anything to hurt him.

That's what my ex-wife said right before she started pumping her priest.

What? I'm supposed to be quiet 'cause you're looking at me?

Stop looking at me.

As you were saying?

Look, if my wife says that the pills made her do it,

then that's what happened.

This stuff is evil in a jar.

Well, as much as we'd like to help you sue

Rainbow Valley Homeopathics,

I'm afraid they don't have very deep pockets.

Besides, it's unregulated and we don't have any evidence.

I can't be the only one this has happened to.

I'm afraid it's not looking very good.

I'll tell you what, we'll have our associate look into things.

If we come up with anything at all, we'll get in touch with you.

- Thank you, Mr. Braddock. - You bet.

- Thank you for believing me. - Absolutely.

- Take care now. - Thank you.

That's a bunch of crap.

It's ridiculous.

Hell, I'd believe in Rudolph if I thought he had

a bullying case against the other reindeer.

That lady is a liar, okay?

Now women been doing that since the days of Eve.

"Eve, did you eat the apple?"

(High pitched) "No, I didn't eat the apple."

"Bitch, you ate that apple.

Now we ain't in paradise no more."

Okay. What's going on with you?

He didn't sleep last night because he got a text from the ex.

You got a text from Renee?

You haven't spoken to her for six months.

What did it say?

"I still love you.

Semicolon. End parenthesis."

It's a winky face.

I don't see it.

Oh, oh. That's very clever.

What do you think it means?

It means she realized cheating on him was a mistake

and now she wants him back.

She don't want me back.

I don't want her back.

You think she wants me back?

Who cares what she wants?

Listen, this is a chance for you to get some payback.

You know, when I cheated on my first wife,

she unleashed a wrath of biblical proportion.

She went after my pocketbook, my reputation, my manhood.

Completely eviscerating all three.

Or was that before I cheated on her?

- Once again,�it's all about you. - Oh, for Pete's sake.

Will you just go upstairs and get some sleep?

I'm going to be up half the night doing all the stuff

you didn't get done today. We're partners now.

When something like this effects you, it effects me

because it effects my ability to make money.

Dear God, everything is about me.

Why don't you just take one of these sleeping pills?

I ain't going to take someone else's pills. That could kill you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Drugs don't kill people.

People who don't have drugs kill people.

Fine. You want another night like you had last night? Go right ahead.

Don't tell me what to do, Eve.

- Give me one of those. - All right.

What harm could it do?

- What harm could it do? - Yeah.

Night, boys.

Sleep tight.

I'm going to send my wife one of those winky faces.

(Chuckles)

Oh. Oh, she sent back a smiley guy with a beard.

Oh, oh. Also very clever.

Who's there?

I got a stapler!

(Screams) Marcus. Marcus.

You scared the crap out of me.

Oh, that's very mature.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I opened the gate

to the "asparagus pin."

The what?

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

I'm texting Renee.

See if I can get back with her.

Okay.

Give me that back.

I got some really important emails in here.

Oh, my word.

All of this because of an "I still love you" and a smiley?

It was a winky.

Michael, those pills you gave me,

were God sent, man.

I haven't slept this well in my entire...

What the hell you do?

Play it for him.

Oh, it would be my pleasure.

Oh.

(Laughing)

(Crying)

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

It must have been those pills I warned you not to take.

Michael, you told me to take the pills.

Oh, you are high right now.

I'm a drug user.

I can forget about ever holding any public office.

Please, this is Chicago.�You just qualified.

(Chuckles)

I'm jonesing. Ooh.

I'm jonesing. I'm a junkie.

Look, you know what? Any drug that causes sleepwalking

ought to be taken off the market.

You know, I recently heard a story about a woman

who slept with her husband's brother because of this stuff.

Ruth, that was yesterday.

And you were listening through the vent again, weren't you?

Wait, you know, maybe Denise did sleep

with her brother-in-law because of those pills.

Well, that's her excuse,

but what was the brother-in-law on?

Denise.

So I was searching online for potential evidence

and to take a quiz to see if I eat too much cheese...

I don't.

When I found out Rainbow Valley Homeopathic

is a shell corporation

for Wooton Pharmaceuticals.

- Boom. - Wait a minute.

Wooton is a major drug company.

Big companies like that will write a six-figure check just to stay out of court.

And we actually have a case. This stuff causes horrible side effects.

Of course that is why some people take drugs.

Looks like Braddock & Jackson are about to take on

big pharma for big bucks.

This isn't about the money.

- That drug is dangerous. - You know what's dangerous?

You thinking that everything isn't about the money.

Clearly you're still delusional because of that text.

Man, I haven't even thought about that text.

I don't even know where my phone is.

Why is there a ham sandwich in my pocket?

Because your phone is in the panini press.

- Good morning. - Hey, Mama.

- Good morning, Daddy. - Hey, baby girl.

Sweetheart, I made you breakfast.

Well, thank you, Mama. I'm on my way to court with Denise.

So now you think that drug did make Denise cheat.

You seen the effect it had on me.

Well, you know what I think?

Everybody in the world knows what you think.

Oh, son, I love that you're so trusting.

Even after your own wife lied to you

the way Denise is lying to her husband.

Sometimes, Mama, people are honest.

And it's sad when people don't trust people.

I mean, I'm just saying, it's sad.

I'm just saying.

It's sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

People should take people at their word.

You have no case. Denise ran off with her brother-in-law.

I knew it.

She just tweeted a picture of them on the beach together.

I'm assuming by this barbed wire tattoo on her back,

this isn't the worst mistake she's made in her life.

Let me see that.

So we have no witnesses.

I filed a motion with the court to strike our pleadings.

Well, you know, we should get down there and let Allen know he has no case

before he makes a total ass of himself.

Yeah.

Probably should, huh?

- I should. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm gonna just going to rush on down there.

- Yeah. - Good for you.

- All right, all right. - All right.

Yeah.

This is me rushing.

Court is in session.

Docket number 1278.

Let's go on record, please.

I understand you would like to place an injunction

on Wooton Pharmaceuticals patented Sleep Aid.

Your Honor, it seems our argument for an injunction has fallen apart.

But we can produce another piece of highly incriminating evidence

if I may beg the court's indulgence

and request a brief recess.

Fine. We'll reconvene in an hour.

But only because I haven't eaten and it's cabbage soup day.

Court's adjourned.

What are you up to?

Will you just trust me?

No.

I got a plan for something really dramatic.

I want to try to demonstrate

the drug's side effects live in court.

How are you supposed to pull that off?

First, I'd like to propose a toast...

to our first million-dollar case.

I'm not just doing this for the money.

All right, then. To ethics.

Hear ye. All right.

And to our partnership.

- All right. Okay. All right. - There you go.

- And here's to you and Renee. - What about us?

Don't care. Salud.

Salud.

So what's your plan?

You just drank it.

Son of a...

Your Honor, I am pleased to present

to the court...

Exhibit A.

This is Allen Braddock.

It is now 3:57 in the afternoon on a Thursday

as witnessed by today's special cabbage soup.

I will now administer the drug

to my partner's iced coffee.

So let me get this straight...

you drugged your own partner.

I am submitting a piece of evidence

- that happens to be my partner. - I object.

- On what grounds? - I don't know.

This is weird, right?

I agree, but worth seeing. Proceed.

Your Honor, in a moment,

the court will witness firsthand

Wooton Sleep Aid's devastating side effects.

Come on. There you go.

I seen this movie. Let's sneak into another one.

As you can see, my partner is now in a state of noctambulism.

Noc-tabla-ism?

He is completely unaware...

would you stop doing that?

I'm sending you a morse code.

Mr. Braddock, you need to control your partner.

I wish I could, Your Honor, but my partner is now under the control

of the nonbenzodiazepine hypnotic produced by Wooton.

Besides, he's evidence,

and I am forbidden by the law to tamper with evidence.

Thin ice, Counselor.

Bailiff, I suppose you should tag Mr. Jackson

as evidence for the plaintiff.

Tag me? Ain't nobody going to be tagging nobody.

- Marcus, it's all right. - No, no. Ain't nobody tagging nobody!

I said ain't nobody tagging... get out the way!

- Tag him! - Move it!

- (Marcus barking) - (Screaming)

Never mind, Bailiff. Let the record show Mr. Jackson is Exhibit A.

You're confusing me with all your texting Renee. Give me that.

Your Honor, you can't seriously be allowing this.

What's up? Boom box.

(Vocalizing)

Marcus, come on, come on. Give me the boom box.

- Give me the boom box. - (Gavel pounding)

- Order! Order! - Give me a double cheeseburger,

some fries, and lose your attitude.

- Lose it, lose it. - Come on.

- Lose it! - Come on with me.�Come on.

- Come on over here with me. - You got to lose the attitude.

Got to lose your attitude.

(Groans)

- Allen, she slept�with my priest. - I know.

I could sleep with a priest. A lady priest, you know?

Like that sister Mary Anne.

What's up under that robe?

That's it. I've heard enough. I'm ready to rule.

Mr. Fronstin, clearly,

this drug can have serious side effects.

Since it's unregulated,

would your company be willing to put a warning label on it?

Of course, Your Honor.

- Great. Case closed. - What?

- Court adjourned. - A warning label?

Your Honor, Wooton needs to feel the sting of severe punitive damages.

Did you not hear me? The case is over.

Yeah, what about you, Mama?

You look like you know your way around the penal system.

Yeah, yeah. You look good.

I like these little hips on you.

- Sexy. - You two kids enjoy yourselves.

Keep the blindfold on.

Just hold on there, big fella. Hold on.

Are you serious, man? All right, new rule...

no partner is allowed to roofie the other partner.

Okay?

- Can we at least agree on that? - Agreed.

- All right. - I just did what I had to do to win.

- Sorry it didn't work out. - What do you mean? We did win.

That warning label could save thousands of lives.

Yippee. Thousands of lives.

- (Cell phone chiming) - Uh-oh.

Seems like another text from...

from the ex.

Now she's just stalking me.

Aren't you going to read it?

No. Don't need to. I done moved on. I'm over her.

- Do you mind if I do? - Be my guest.

You did the right thing.

What's it say?

"OMG.

That last text was not for you. So sorry. Renee."

She did put a winky.

Okay, what is this?

Okay, it's a rocket being fired into an eclipse

as a metaphor for your new found freedom.

Oh, that's very clever. Well done.

(Laughs)

Please tell me we do not have too many meetings today.

Last night my wife dragged me to an Avril Lavigne concert.

By the time we got home, I was too tired for sex

which defeated the entire purpose of the evening.

You know, Marcus, I envy you.

Sometimes I wish I had your quiet, simple life.

I've got to get my hands on a cup of coffee.

Let me get that for you.

You are a gentleman and a scholar, Sir.

Yes, I am.

(Laughs)

Singing radiohead at the top of my lungs

Got the boom box playing while we fall in love

Got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk...

(laughing)

Oh, this will be good for at least 100,000 views.

Throw it up

Here's to never growing up.

How's that, Daddy?

Oh, that was good, Son.

Now let me see you twerk.

(Vocalizes)

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