Original subtitles

Okay, Michael.

Potential juror number four.

I don't like him. Bad hair. Big pores.

- And you know what they say. - What do they say?

Oh, I was asking if you knew. Proceed.

Opposing counsel believes that just because he's an investment banker,

he will vote in favor of the corporation

even though their paint is toxic.

They are mistaken in this notion.

Notice the slight puffiness under the eyes,

the tender redness around the nose

indicating he has...

Allergies which makes him...

- Sympathetic to our case. - Sympathetic to... case.

- Yes. We're like this. - Yes.

Yes, except, uh...

That's me.

Ah. What's this?

People in Chicago who don't hate you yet?

(Chuckles) No.

These are the people who are going to help me

to eviscerate my arch Nemesis...

Marion Phillips.

Is she the one that gave you that haircut?

Marion is a man. I lost my first big case to him.

He's also a giant in the world of jury selection.

He not only won the case, he also won my alligator briefcase in a side bet.

Well, it's time for payback.

I'm going to beat him at his own game.

So you think handpicking a jury guarantees you a win?

Absolutely. Of course, there are always anomalies.

For example,

I could never do enough to convince this man.

He's Polish.

I don't know why, but for some reason,

Polish men find me irritating.

Believe me, it's not just Polish men.

(Theme music plays)

Mama said she didn't raise no fool

One mind apart is never stronger than two

I'm about the life, about to come on strong

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Whoa, yeah

One mind apart is never stronger than two

Whoa, yeah

Mama said she didn't raise no fool.

- (Sighs) - Laura, what's wrong?

I've never seen your mouth in the down position.

You know that job I took at the makeup counter at the mall?

Well, someone wrote a really nasty review about me online.

Why? To know you is to love you.

I know, right? I only took this job

because I wanted to make women feel better about themselves.

And to get the in-store discount.

Ooh, nasty review.

You got bitch slapped.

"That new girl Laura

must have learned her makeup technique

- at a funeral home." - Ouch.

"I left there looking like a drag queen in clown college."

- Ouch. - "But worst of all,

her endless chatter is like verbal Ambien.

Warning... stay away."

Signed Cirque du So-Ugly."

I don't even know who this woman is.

A lot of ugly people came in.

She's just some troll spewing "haterade."

But what if I am self-absorbed?

What if I do talk too much?

What if I do bore people?

- I'm sorry. Laura,�did you say something? - (Sighs)

Laura, you can't let this woman make you feel bad about yourself.

That's what your family's for.

Well, what should I do?

I don't know. Get mad.

- Hit back. - No.

I'm going to take this as a learning experience.

The universe is sending me a message

and I just have to figure out what it is.

Hmm.

A load of crap is what it is.

It's been a while since I've taken on a bully.

I'm guessing... never.

Laura is just too sweet to stand up for herself.

Luckily, she has a friend

with a razor-sharp wit to do it for her.

"Dear Sourpuss."

Whoa. Going right for the jugular, huh?

- Too mean? - Viscous.

Good.

Excuse me.

But is this your sojourner truth tote bag?

Are you really trying to use black history to pick up a woman?

Well, it works all the time on white women.

- I can't. - No, I'm kidding.

I was just looking for an excuse to talk to you.

Guess I struck out.

Not totally.

I'm Prudence.

Hey, Prudence. I'm Marcus.

So Marcus is honest,

culturally aware, and, um, handsome.

Anything I'm missing?

Well, he's free, single,

and ready to mingle.

- Okay, now I really can't. - Oh, come on.

(Scoffs) Okay, okay. I'm just kidding.

I mean, but another line like that and I'm gone.

All right, how about this... do you have time for coffee?

Marcus, forget the coffee.

Make it drinks and make it tonight.

Drinks tonight. I'll see you tonight.

- Yeah. - Okay.

My man Allen. What's up, partner?

- How you doing? - What are you smiling about?

Hey, I just got a date with a beautiful woman.

Allen, the old me is back.

Well, I like this new old you.

Ain't nothing like a pretty woman to make a man feel good.

And I feel good.

Say, how about using some of that swagger

and take second chair on this case for me?

Marion is burying me in paperwork.

It's not enough for him just to win,

he wants to use his colossal presence just to crush my spirit.

Hello, Braddock. You back for more?

- Marion. - (Chuckling)

Hang on. This is your arch Nemesis?

You remember this?

You beat me once and that was 20 years ago.

Really? It feels like only yesterday.

No, wait... it feels like next week.

So long, Braddock.

I hate that guy.

I can't wait to cut him down to size.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I hate him, too.

Count me in on this case.

You think he's mean,

wait till you meet his little brother.

Veronica, I'm in trouble.

Cirque du So-Ugly's gone on a bloodlust.

- You're still at it? - I simply posted

that Laura did a great job on my girlfriend's makeup.

Look what she wrote back.

"Dear Magic Mike."

Magic Mike?

My nom de plume.

You know, 'cause everybody's always saying

how I look like Channing Tatum.

Michael, more people have told me I look like Channing Tatum.

You do.

"Dear Magic Mike,

if you're satisfied with the work Laura did on your girlfriend,

then I'm guessing your girlfriend is inflatable and deaf."

That's when I suggested she do something...

Suppositorally with an eyelash curler.

And it just got uglier, didn't it?

Yeah, she hit me with this.

"How can you even see your girlfriend's face

with your head so far up your own ass?"

Yeah, buddy, you're getting smoked.

I need a really good comeback to shut her up.

Okay. What we need is someone who traffics in cruelty.

Someone who is totally viscous

and has no sense of conscious whatsoever.

Do I know anyone that evil?

I don't understand why Tiffany has to cancel the party.

Her mom is the one with the tumor, not her.

So rude.

What?

Lizzie, I need your help.

Some troll slandered Laura online and now she's going after me.

- Thank you could... - Please.

I had my guidance counselor back in rehab after two tweets.

Kids pay me to bully bullies.

Hmm. Okay.

Someone who is this upset about makeup is insecure about their looks.

So that's our in.

Whoa, Lizzie.

Even on the Internet, I don't think you can say that.

I'm not. Magic Mike is.

You just got to out-crazy crazy.

There.

That ought to put Cirque du So-Ugly on mute.

The dark force is strong in that one.

(Gasps) The keyboard is actually hot.

(Chuckles) Is it good?

Go ahead. What you think, huh?

Is it the shirt?

- You hate the shirt. - No, no, no. It's fine.

Fine? I don't want to just be fine.

I want to be fine.

Okay, okay. Just relax. Let me tell you why.

- Tonight doesn't matter. - What are you talking about?

I've been where you are. The first date after divorce does not matter.

- What kind of pep talk is that? - It's one you need to hear.

You know how when you eat pistachios, you suddenly get a bad one,

you got to eat a whole bunch more just to get rid of that bitter taste in your mouth?

Yeah.

Well, your first wife is like that bad pistachio

and this date is really like the first nut of many

that's going to help to cleanse your pallet.

A dry run for your future.

I just want to go out and have a good time

with a lovely lady, man.

- And that's all your expecting? - That's all I want.

Then that is a great shirt.

Hey. Right on time. Come on in.

Wow. You look great.

What, this old thing?

This old thing.

But you look amazing.

- How you doing? - I'm just fine.

Yes, you are fine.

But I asked how you doing?

You should sit down.

I mean, you must be tired after dragging that line

all the way from the last century.

I'm a big believer in recycling.

(Laughs)

I thought we were going out.

Oh, why don't you let me do the thinking?

- I like that thought. - Good.

Because I was just thinking

I wanted to get one thing out of the way.

What's that?

Mm. Mmmm.

That's a good pistachio.

(Laughs) What are you talking about?

Nothing. I just wasn't expecting all of this.

- Did you want me to stop? - No. Not at all.

(Creaking)

- (Sighs) - Well, well, well.

The walk of shame.

Ain't no walk of shame here, buddy.

- So you had a good time last night. - I sure did.

We connected. And then we connected again.

And we disconnected

and reconnected someplace else.

You got that one out of the way.

All right, it's time to get ready for court.

Out of the way? Oh, no, no, no.

She's the one.

Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

Prue and I, man, we're perfect together.

Prue? You're already abbreviating her name?

This is special.

We talked about this.

No, you've talked about this.

By definition, this is just a rebound.

No, this is a slam dunk.

Now I know what I'm feeling and I know what she's feeling.

We don't give a damn what you're feeling.

And I'm all... and I'm all...

Yeah.

Hold it right there, Magic Mike.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I have 386 new comments online.

People hate me. What did you do?

Veronica helped.

Laura, in our defense,

I don't know what Michael was thinking.

I signed on to defend you,

but that horrible circus freak wouldn't let it go.

So we turned Lizzie on her and all that did

was provoke the whack jobs on her side.

And then it went back and forth and at some point,

Donald Trump chimed in promoting his new Hotel and Casino in Macau.

Well, it's suddenly clear to me

what the universe was so harshly trying to teach me...

not to confide in you two...

Bad pennies.

Sorry, but you guys deserved that.

Both: Ouch.

- Marion. - Braddock.

Brave of you to come.

Excuse me while I make myself comfortable.

You're going down, Marion.

Bailiff, please bring in the jury.

(Door opens)

Allen, you ever been so in love with a woman

that you see her face everywhere you go?

- Not really, no. - Me neither.

We got to talk.

I can't have my new girlfriend on the jury.

- Your girlfriend? - Yeah, Prudence.

Juror number three.

We got to come clean.

I got a better idea.

No.

- It's a conflict of interest. - I don't care.

All I care about is beating Marion.

I have waited years for my revenge.

I'm ahab and he's my great White Whale.

You're being irrational.

Oh, I'm being irrational?

You just met this woman and she's already your girlfriend.

This jury is going to rule in our favor.

- We can win without her. - No, we can't.

The first alternate juror is the Polish guy.

I lose Prudence, it's over.

Same here.

What are you talking about?

Look, this woman thinks I'm an honest guy, okay?

We can't start the relationship off with a lie.

Okay, all right.

Maybe we can both win.

She didn't see you.

You met her before she was selected for jury duty.

So it's just not illegal.

Just give me two weeks and the two of you can go off

and have all the life-affirming sex that you want.

It's not about legal or illegal.

It's unethical.

But, you, you go on in and do what you want to do.

Thank you. I will.

Well, Mr. Braddock, is everything all right

or shall we stare at the door for another five minutes?

My apologies, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

we intend to prove that our client was wronged by the...

Counselor?

Terribly sorry, Your Honor,

but I'm afraid we have a conflict of interest.

I have to request that we excuse juror number three.

Oh...

Well, looks like somebody's got a "Prudie-call."

And dinner.

Hey, look, Allen. I appreciate you doing the right thing.

Well, I hope tonight's worth it.

It will be.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.

- Maybe tomorrow night. - Yeah.

Allen, I heard what you did for my son.

You're welcome.

For what? You're a fool.

(Chuckles) You need some work on your compliments.

Look, we know Marcus leads with his heart,

but you're supposed to be the closer. The killer in this firm.

- Yeah. - So why would you jeopardize a big case

just because he's got his nose wide-open over some girl he just met?

No, Marcus was right.

It was unethical.

Please, never tell him I said that.

You got it, Killer.

Nose wide-open?

What the hell does that mean?

Thank you so much for doing what you did.

It was the right thing to do.

No, I mean getting me out of jury duty.

My pleasure.

Look, you know, I figure after dinner,

we can go by and meet my family.

- Meet... meet the family? - Yeah.

Since we a thing now,

I want to introduce my girl to the other women in my life.

- Marcus, um... - Now, look.

Mama, she can be a little tough, you know,

but she'll come around.

You cold? You just shuddered.

Marcus, we need to talk.

What happened with Prudence?

Turns out I was her bad pistachio.

Well, look at it this way,

at least you got your rebound out of the way.

Thank you.

You still working?

Of course.

As God is my witness...

As God is my witness,

I will have my revenge on Marion.

Be it this trial or the next,

he will feel the piercing sting

of my legal harpoon.

Have you been drinking?

Yes, I have.

Would you care to join me?

I could use one.

And I...

Could still use someone in that second chair.

You got it.

(Hisses)

Laura, we're sorry about butting in.

You're an adult now. We should have let you handle your own problem.

And I think you will see how undeserved those comments were.

Ready?

Sweet Jesus!

She looks great.

I know, right?

Sweet Jesus!

I... I look great.

You know what? I don't think that they appreciate my talents.

I'm going to quit that job.

- Good. - You go, girl. Right now.

Right now!

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