Original subtitles

I got in a little motorcycle...

- What happened? - Spill.

You're not riding a motorcycle.

Crosby!

Surgery went well.

But you have to try to get better,

'cause a lot of people are counting on you.

I'm pregnant.

You barely had time to be in love.

You have no idea

how hard something like this is to do by yourself.

- I really like you. - I think I like him.

Joel, um, I'm seeing someone.

- Uh-- - This is Dylan.

He's our newest student.

- This is Max. - What's up?

Yo, Asperger's!

What do you do when you like a girl?

Okay.

[School bell rings]

[Vampire Weekend's Worship You]

Only in the way you want it only on the day you want it

only with the understanding every single day you want it

only in the way you want it only on the day you want it

only with the understanding every single day you want it

you you [School bell rings]

City with the weight upon it city in the way you want it

city with the safety of a never-ending blessing on it

city with the weight upon it city in the way you want it

city with the safety of a never-ending blessing on it

you you

we worshiped you

your red right hand

won't we see you

once again?

in foreign soil

in foreign land

Hey, bud. What you doing?

Studying.

The trash?

That's ridiculous. Why would I study the trash?

I'm studying Dylan.

You're studying Dylan?

- Yes. - Through the trash?

This picture of a horse tells me that Dylan likes pictures

and also that she likes horses.

Dad said that the foundation

of any romantic relationship is based on common interests.

- Dad said that. - Yes.

Which means that, in this case,

I should probably either choose drawing or horses.

Okay. Honey, I know that you--

- And considering I hate drawing,

I should probably choose horses.

I know that you like her,

and I know that you think she's cool with this whole,

like, anti-authority thing,

but are you sure that this is the right girl for you?

I have to go to class now,

but we can continue this conversation later,

Mrs. Braverman.

Okay.

[Horn honks]

Oh, jeez. God.

What, Mr. backseat driver?

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, please.

You don't see me hanging on here for dear life?

I mean, you know why? What?

'Cause I'm worried about getting rear-ended.

You can get a ticket for going too slow, you know.

It's called impeding traffic.

I don't see why I can't drive anywhere.

Because two weeks ago, you had your breastbone sawed open.

The doctor was very clear.

I know what the doctor said. I was there, all right?

Can we go a little faster?

Why don't you step on it a little bit?

Just give yourself a ride, see what happens.

Thank you guys so much. See you tomorrow!

Both: Oh! - Oh!

- Oh, no. - Okay.

- I am so sorry. - Yeah.

Here, do you want--is this--will these help or hurt?

Uh, yeah. Please. That--that should work.

Oh, no, you're-- I'm so sorry.

No. It's--it's okay.

It's, uh--

it's actually kind of impressive how soaked I am

versus how unscathed you are. Yeah.

It's kind of a talent of mine. It's a good one to have.

I'm so sorry. Your shirt's ruined for work--

- Oh, no, no. I've got plenty of shirts.

I work at a tech start-up. [Chuckles]

We have, like, two offices. You know?

There's, like, one

with about a million blow-up toys in 'em

and another one with a bunch of t-shirts

with our name on 'em, so--

- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.

- God-- - Anyway, no.

I should, uh--I should probably get your number.

- Uh, what? - Oh, God, no.

I'm not--it's not a-- it's not a date thing.

- Oh. - That's--

that'd be pretty forward. - Okay.

No, it's just so my lawyer knows how to track you down

in case I decide to press charges.

[Chuckles] Oh, I see. Okay.

Um...

- Yeah. - This is serious stuff.

[Laughs]

I can't wait to try this place!

I've been waiting.

Oh, the coq au vin is supposed to be unbelievable.

It is unbelievable.

- Good. - And you know what?

Maybe we can even get the firm to pick it up,

you know, since we do work together.

Yes, we do work together.

We should look at the wine list before we decide that.

Can you-- come here. Turn around.

- What? - This way.

- What? - Turn around.

Please, go this way. This way.

Turn. Turn! What are we doing?

Go back--go back there!

Jules, what are we doing?

We're hiding from a mom from Sycamore Charter

because she just does not need any more grist

for the rumor mills. It's--

[sighs]

- Hey, Jules? - What?

What are we doing?

I mean, I think we're a little too old to be

hiding behind ficus plants, aren't we?

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

How about we go somewhere else?

You want to go somewhere else?

I'd like to go somewhere else.

Let's go somewhere else. Come on.

Okay.

What the hell is this?

Hon! Honey! Jasmine!

Yes, my love?

Who... what--who did this?

I did.

- You did this? - Yeah.

It's for your own good.

Oh, I think I know what's good for me...

- Really? - And what's good for me is

to be able to ride my motorcycle whenever I choose to.

I'm a grown man.

I think I can make that decision.

Baby, you're not acting like yourself right now, okay?

So if you want to just--

- Okay, well, I definitely feel like myself.

Myself wants to take a ride on the motorcycle.

Very consistent with who I am. Okay.

Well, until you slow down and tell me

what's going on with you, you're not riding the motorcycle.

Great, I'll tell you right now.

- What? - Nothing going on with me.

Really?

Other than wanting to take a ride

on a motorcycle that I own.

Well, I'm sorry. You can't do that right now.

Give me one good reason why I can't ride my motorcycle.

I'll give you two. Jabbar and Aida.

Oh, you're gonna pull the kid card.

Just did.

And you're gonna be able to go to sleep tonight on that?

- Love you. - This is--

- May God bless and keep you always

and may your wishes all come true

may you always do for others

and let others do for you

may you build a ladder to the stars

and climb on every rung

and may you stay

forever young

may you grow up to be righteous

may you grow up to be true

may you always know the truth

and see the lights surrounding you

may you always be courageous

stand upright and be strong

and may you stay

forever young

may you stay

forever young

Sync and corrections by parlobrito www.addic7ed.com

- Let's go. - Yay!

What if I just told you that you can't dance anymore?

You could get hurt dancing. That's not the same, Crosby.

Look, let's just talk about it later.

All right. [Sniffs]

Ugh! What are you grilling up, a tire?

Nah, man.

I got my Adam Braverman flame-broiled burgers happening.

Come on.

How did Sarah get out of this thing?

Get out of it? What are you talking about?

- She's not here. - She's at a photo shoot

in Santa Cruz, I think. Hmm.

Why are you in such a sour mood?

My wife unilaterally took away my motorcycle privileges,

put an actual lock around it... It's about time.

Like she works for the city of Berkeley or something--

- dad, when's lunch gonna be ready?

Five minutes.

Why can't we just go to burger and pie?

It's faster, and it tastes better.

Burger and pie? You don't want burger and pie.

No, it tastes better than this.

I got my proprietary spice blend in these burgers.

It's faster and it tastes better.

- Grandpa and grandma's here! - Hey!

- Inferior burgers. - No, they're not.

These are frozen burgers that you took out of the bag

and rubbed salt, pepper, and Worcestershire on.

That's it. That's all you did. Hey, sweetheart.

- No, Max. - That's proprietary.

And you said you used a secret sauce,

but it was just Worcestershire.

- Zeek, you're looking good. - Oh. Thanks, honey.

- Thanks for coming. - Yeah.

It's really good to be here. How are you feeling?

You're walking better. Am I?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I feel pretty good.

Got a spring in your step.

I'm gonna get you a cold one. Thanks.

You're not burning those, are you?

No, dad, I'm searing them.

Okay? Okay, Max. Easy. Hi, grandpa.

I got 'em. I got 'em. Let go.

- How are you? - I'm good.

I like a girl. Really?

- Yeah. - You do like a girl?

- How about that? - Yeah.

Well, that's wonderful.

So what base are you on with her?

We haven't really done the baseball--

- What does that mean? - That's a great question.

She doesn't like sports. I don't understand.

Right. No, no.

What I meant was, have you held her hand,

maybe kissed her, or something like--

- No, dad says I should start with common interests

and work from there.

- Yeah. - That's terrible advice.

- I don't know. - That's a one-way street.

In my experience,

the Braverman libido, the virility,

the sexual attraction is a very hard thing to contain.

It's just gonna pop out of there.

Just get that libido and virility out,

whip it around, and just--

- Maybe let's go back to the baseball analogy.

What are my libido and virility,

and how do I pop them out? Okay.

You've got four bases, right?

Home, first, second, third. Okay.

First base, kissy-kissy.

- Maybe hold hands. - Second base, touchy-touchy.

Maybe arm around the shoulder.

Third base, feely-feely.

A little more kissy-kissy down South.

- Maybe a kiss on the cheek. - And then home is...

Just watching TV together...

Here comes little Max and a baby carriage.

On the sofa.

Right?

You can do that on a sofa, yeah.

Just stick with the common interests for now.

Hello there.

Hi. You could have sent a runner.

Could've sent a runner, but then I wouldn't have

been able to get a chance to kiss you.

- I will kill you. - No, you won't.

- Yes, I will kill you... - No, you won't kill me.

- If you do that. - That's a little much.

- I will kill you. - No.

Turn around, so I can sign this.

- Surface. - Okay.

[Cell phone dings]

- Hey, honey? - What?

You guys have got to stop encouraging him.

Please.

- Is this about the Dylan thing? - Mm-hmm.

Honey, my dad is just excited that his grandson

could have a crush on a girl, and honestly, so am I.

I understand that,

but you should have seen what he was doing at school.

He was following her around with a notebook, taking notes,

jotting things down, looking in the trash...

- Wait a minute, Kristina. - This isn't healthy.

I didn't encourage our son to stalk this girl.

That's how he took it,

and I'm asking you to help me with this.

Honey, she's not gonna like him back.

- How do you know? - I know. I know these things.

Just help me temper his enthusiasm.

That's all I'm asking. Okay.

- Please. - I will.

I will talk to him tomorrow. Okay.

[Indistinct chatter outside]

- Hey, Kristina. - What?

- Come here. Come here. - Huh?

Julia brought this guy to the barbecue.

Who?

This guy Chris that she used the date.

- What are they doing? - I guess it's serious.

Signing some documents or something.

In the summer

- Okay. - Are we good?

Thank you very much for bringing this.

- You're very welcome. - I'll see you tonight.

- Sure. One kiss. That's my fee. - Not happening.

Hey, what are you doing to my sister? What's going on?

- That's why. - A couple of lawyers

on my front lawn. Thank you.

- Yup. - This can't be good.

I'm just kidding around, Julia. Relax.

- Okay. - Remember me?

- I do. Chris. - Chris, right?

Yeah, yeah. Good to see you, Adam.

Nice you could put a good word in for our sister at the firm.

That's nice. My pleasure.

- Yes, and-- - She's doing a fantastic job.

So you guys are working together now?

- We are indeed. - He needs to get back

to said firm because these are very...

Is this the guy you were dating right before Joel?

- I do. - Time-sensitive documents here.

Documents? What do you got? Signatures or something?

- Thank you. Yup. - Yeah. Exactly.

Tell you what, I'm making burgers.

Come on in and have a burger, okay?

We can handle this electronically, all right?

We have the technology. That's very true.

No, he has to get to the firm right now!

We have the technology to deal with this, Julia!

- Adam! Adam! - Come on!

You're having a burger. Come on. Looks like I'm staying!

[Cell phone chimes]

[Indistinct chatter]

The sun is shining good

[Laughs]

Guys, coffee shop guy texted.

[Gasps] Oh, my God. What did he say?

He said, "I'm willing to forego legal action

"for yesterday's mishap

if you let me take you out for a drink."

- This is good news! - I've still got it.

- Who is this? - This is so exciting!

Okay, well, first things first.

You have to parlay the whole drinking thing

into, like, coffee or tea or something daytime.

Maybe a daytime activity. How do you do that naturally?

I know because the whole, like, situation.

Yeah.

He doesn't know you're pregnant?

Uh, no. It didn't exactly come up the first time I met him.

Don't really lead in with that.

Isn't that something that you tell people

that you're gonna date?

No, I'm not, like, gonna have a serious relationship with him.

I just want to have some fun.

She's not under lock and key. She's pregnant.

- Yeah. - She's not contagious.

Yeah. It's good. It's normal.

But, guys, can you help me please?

What do I say back? Yeah. Okay, um-

- Something legal.

Um, "my lawyer is willing to settle

if we do coffee or tea instead."

Mm, settling. Good.

- Like that? - Okay. Hang on.

In the summer

- Hey. - Hey.

Finish your burger?

- Oh, it was delicious. - Good.

- Yeah. I'm out of here. - Okay, good.

- I'm gonna go. - I'm sorry.

No, I get it. I get it.

I just didn't want it to become any more awkward

by refusing your brother's burger.

- Who are you? - Hi.

Syd, um, there are nicer ways to introduce yourself.

That's okay. Hey, I'm Chris.

I work with your mom. Who are you?

I'm Sydney.

Oh. Hi, Sydney. It's a pleasure.

You got your mom's smile.

- Julia? - Yes?

Basketball game. We need some players.

- Okay. - Okay? Let's go.

All right. I'm gonna go. I'll see you later.

- Is that the guy? - That's the guy. That's Chris.

- No, we got to go. - No, you're playing ball.

Come on. Come on, guys, let's go.

Uh, guys, you don't want me-- you don't want me playing ball.

Hey, tell you what. You can be team Captain.

Bring the ball. Let's go. Wow.

All right, come on.

We're gonna go play basketball.

I'm gonna make this fast.

Okay.

[Overlapping chatter]

No ulterior motives

all my focus on you

well, I can't hide

Why the long face?

This is my castrated face.

My, uh--my wife put my motorcycle in jail.

It's locked up.

- Oh, man. - Yeah.

Well, I can see that bet and raise you,

because I got no wheels at all, two or four.

Plus, I got your mom as a chauffeur.

Oof. Oof.

Then she's gonna take me to physical therapy on Monday.

So, I mean, uh, it's gonna take about a week.

[Chuckles] Mm. Monday?

- Yeah. - I'll drive you.

Yeah, yeah, let me drive you.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

We'll make a day of it.

So we'll get the women out of the picture.

We'll go together. It'll be great.

I'm looking forward to it. Okay.

Girl, who's kidding

Put it up! Put it up!

- Oh! - Oh!

I'll be back. I'm gonna go lay her down.

Okay. Nap time.

You keep surprising me

with all your thoughts and views

na na na na na na na na

Oh!

- Oh, you got to take it out! - Oh!

Put it up!

Oh, nice! [Clapping]

Oh!

Put it up!

- Yeah! - Oh!

- All right. Be ready, Syd. - Get it, Syd! Oh!

[Tires screech]

This is on rails, right?

There you go. This is a little more like it.

Yeah, these miniature vans have full-sized power nowadays.

In fact, I'm gonna up the experience.

- Ah. - Yeah.

A little wind in the hair, huh?

- There you go! - Easy rider style.

- There you go. - Get these buffoons

out of the way, huh? Hey, I think we're up here

on the right-hand side. This is us? Right here.

Oh. I got it. I'm on it. Hold on. Hold on!

Coming in hot. Coming in hot.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Oh, man! Oh, yeah! - Yeah.

[Tires screech]

Oh, and we're early. Yeah?

I'm gonna park. I'll come in with you.

- We're early? - Yeah.

I had my eyes closed.

I feel like I've gone through time.

- You're a day early. - Oh, man.

I'll hang in the waiting room with you, if that's--

- No, no, no. Come on. That's silly.

It's your day of freedom, son.

You go and have some fun, you know what I'm saying?

You don't want to spend a lot of time...

- Well... - In the stupid waiting room.

This is my day to hang out with you, though.

- I don't think so. - You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure. - Okay.

I did see a vintage guitar shop around the corner, so--

- Okay. All right.

I'll be able to waste an hour or two there.

Yeah, you just have a good time,

and if I'm not out in an hour, you come in and get me.

- Okay. That's good. - Okay.

[Car door closes]

- Hey, Max. - Hey, bud.

We just wanted to have a quick conversation with you

about this girl that you like. Dylan.

- Yes, Dylan. - Yeah, Dylan.

We just wanted to talk to you

about how these relationships between young boys

and girls work. Mmhmm.

I know how they work.

- You know how they work. - Oh, well, okay.

That's probably true, but here's the thing.

Your dad and I have been in a relationship

for so long that we are practically experts at it,

and we've learned a lot along the way,

so we wanted to share our knowledge with you.

Normally to become an expert in something,

you have to not just have done it for a long time

but have an advanced degree as well.

Well, they don't hand out advanced degrees

in relationships, Max, but if they did...

- They should. - We'd have it.

I can guarantee that your mother and I would have one.

- We'd have it for sure. - Yeah.

- What's your wisdom? - Okay.

Where do you want to start? Great.

Um, well, what we've learned along the way

is that sometimes in relationships,

people can like each other at different levels.

Right? Right.

- So-- - So, for example,

on a scale of one to five, five being highest,

you might like somebody at a five, and they might

like you back only at a two... Right.

And that's okay. They just want to be your friend.

That's normal. It's a very normal thing.

What are your numbers?

For each other?

Well, we're both at a five. Five.

- Right? - Yup.

And that is usually how romantic relationships work.

People like each other the same amount.

- Mm-hmm. - Robust five.

- It has a balance. - Yeah.

It doesn't always start out that way, though.

I mean, things could change.

Your mother, when we first met, thought that I was a two,

and now I'm a five.

- Well, yeah. - What?

- So the numbers can change? - It's true.

- Mm-mm. - Yeah.

What?

Okay. So the scale of affection is fluid?

Yeah. It is fluid.

It gets a little sticky, but it's fluid.

- It's sticky fluid. - It fluctuates.

- Really? - Even within--

- so it's fluid enough for the numbers to change.

- Yes. - Actually, you know what?

You're right, buddy.

- It's the truth. - It is the truth.

For example, your dad's number

is undergoing a change as we speak, right?

All right, so, mom, you're agreeing now

that numbers can change.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

What am I at right now? 4.95?

- 3.5. - 3.5. Okay.

But I'll get that back up to a five.

So you're still friends.

Yes. We'll always be friends.

[Laughs] Good friends.

Huh.

So what are we doing here?

Oh, it's one of my favorite spots.

Okay, I can't help but point out

there's a vital piece of this puzzle missing.

Oh, you noticed that? Yeah.

- Yeah. - Well, yeah.

I know I don't have a dog... Yes.

A little weird,

but I grew up with a brown lab and a border collie,

and I just miss having them around, so--

you know, but I live in a tiny apartment now,

and I decided that I would crowdsource my needs.

[Chuckles]

Wow, and so the owners don't care that you're,

like, being pervy and playing with their dogs?

Not pervy. No, they don't even notice.

Half the time, they're on a cell phone, so--

- Oh, wow.

So what do you want? We got a pomeranian.

- Yeah. - No problem.

We got a yellow lab. Oh.

We've got those in spades. We've got, um, golden retriever.

- Hmm. - Whatever you want.

- What about this little munch? - Ah, good eye.

You're cute, but you have my heart.

You have my heart, bestie. Hey there.

- Hey, little bud. Hello. - Did you get left alone?

Did you get left alone? Hello.

You're sweet. Oh, you're a lover.

- Hi, Bubba. Aww. - Oh, yeah.

What if there was, like, an app for this?

- Like--yeah. - Yeah.

You could just, like, rent dog time.

That'd be cool, right?

I think that's-- no, that's a great idea.

I can do all the, uh, backend programming,

and you run the company. Huh? All right.

Split the profits down the middle.

Well, 70/30.

It was my idea. Yeah, great idea.

Yeah? Deal?

- Yeah. - We got him.

- Shake on it. - Sucker.

Do you want to shake on it? No? Hmm.

It's a good girl.

- So, uh, dad? - Yeah, buddy?

I was thinking that this year I might want to play basketball.

Um, okay. We can discuss it with your mom.

Isn't that gonna conflict with baseball, though?

No, no. I know.

It's just that basketball has, like, a lot more action,

and Chris says I'm a natural.

- Chris? - Yeah. That's mom's friend.

He's so cool, dad.

He let me sit on his shoulders, so I could make a basket.

Well, that's because you're too short otherwise.

He also says I have really good height and coordination...

- You do. - And it's gonna take over

baseball as our new national sport.

He what? He said what?

It's gonna take over as our new national sport.

Okay, well, let me tell you something.

Basketball may be a bigger money-making operation,

but it will never replace the subtle beauty that is baseball.

Okay? Ever.

Your mother's friend

clearly doesn't know what he's talking about.

That's insane.

I don't know, dad.

Chris is a lawyer, and he works with mom,

so he's probably pretty smart.

And he's really good at basketball.

Well, basketball also leads to ankle injuries

and finger sprains,

and with the exception of your mother,

most lawyers have questionable morals, okay?

Can we just eat our pizza here?

Let's just enjoy our pizza.

- Oh. Hey, Asperger's. - Hi, Dylan.

We need to have a talk.

Okay. About what?

About the number at which you like me.

I'm not following. You're gonna need to back up.

A lot.

Understood.

It has come to my attention that there's a basic scale

of affection on which all human relationships operate,

and when a boy and a girl fraternize,

it's important to understand where on that scale

their feelings for each other lie.

Somehow I missed this part of the talk, but I can dig.

What are my options? The scale is from one to five,

with five being the peak of affection

and one being firmly in the friend zone.

In our case, I like you at a five.

Now, I need to know the best quantitative representation

of your feelings for me.

Um, how about a two?

I can work with a two.

- You can? - Yes.

Two is approximately my mother's number for my father

when they met, though that changed over time.

- I see. - Yes.

In any case, the scale is fluid, and I imagine I have a decade--

maybe more, to change your mind.

[School bell rings]

I have to go to class now.

I will talk to you later, Dylan.

Hey, Asperger's.

Maybe a 2 1/2.

- Hi there. - Hey.

- Excuse me. - Hey, can I help you?

Hey, I'm here to pick up my father.

He's a real tall, ornery guy. Zeek Braverman?

Of course.

He's actually just wrapping up with one of our therapists.

Oh, okay. Great.

You can go back there if you want.

- Right here? - Yeah.

Just... Oh.

Through this door on your right.

- Okay. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Think you can handle a little more elevation?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring it on. Here we go.

Okay.

[Treadmill beeping]

Ohh.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Might have pushed you just a bit too much.

Yeah. Yeah.

- You want some water? - No. I just...

Everything okay?

Yeah. Great facility.

It's, uh, really good-- good.

[Alternative music]

[Knocks]

Hey, brother-o. Hey.

- How's it going? - Good. What's up?

- Just, uh, came to hang out. - Really?

- Look at this. - Wow.

Your new room. This...

- Yeah. Thank you. - Trippy art.

Your tastes are changing.

What's actually going on?

You know me so well.

Well, it's hard for me to admit this,

but you were right about the Griffin situation.

What happened?

We just, like, went on our first date,

and it was so fun,

and now I like him.

Yeah, like, you want to see him again?

Yeah, like, I want to-- I want to keep hanging out,

and I just-- I don't know what to do.

You gotta just tell him.

Right. Yeah.

I know, like, eventually,

but, I mean, it just seems silly to,

like, cut something off at the pass just, you know,

without even knowing what it is first. I mean, like--

- You don't really know if you're cutting it off,

and the thing is, if it keeps going on

and then you tell him,

it's gonna seem like you were lying the whole time.

Yeah.

And you have no idea how he's gonna react to it.

He could be totally fine with it,

and you guys could keep seeing each other

and see if it's, like, you know,

gonna actually go somewhere. Yeah.

But if you actually like him, then he should know.

Yeah. You're right.

[Door opens]

Hey!

- Hey. - How'd it go?

Oh, it was a piece of cake.

Yeah. Good.

How long you been here?

Two seconds. I just walked in.

Perfect timing. Do you pay or--

- Nope. It's all taken care of.

I'm all taken care of.

Thank you, Cheryl. Mmhmm. See you next week.

Okay.

Do you want to go grab a drink or something?

Cros, I'm off the sauce. You know?

I'm kind of on the sauce,

so maybe I could drink for both of us.

You want to watch me have a couple cocktails?

Yeah, okay. That could be fun, I think.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Little midday party. - [Chuckles]

[Knocking on door] Yeah?

[Door opens]

Joel's here to see you.

Joel Graham. Yeah.

- Your-- - Yeah.

Uh, okay. Good. Send him in.

- You can see her. - [Clears throat]

What are you doing here?

Great question. Um, why don't you guess?

Close the door, please.

What are you doing?

You're back with your, uh, college sweetheart.

- I am seeing Chris, yes. - Mm-hmm.

That is the person who I've been seeing,

and I have a right to not feel bad about that.

You have every right.

What you do not have a right to do

is to go around introducing our kids

to whoever it is you feel like sleeping with that week.

Joel, you are upset, and I understand that.

Recognize that this was an accident.

- It was an accident? - It was an accident!

You just accidentally

invited him over to your brother's house,

and he was accidentally playing ball with our kids?

Chris came over for a work thing.

Adam wouldn't let him leave. A work thing at...

- It was an accident... - The Braverman house.

Perfect. And I had always intended

to talk to you about this beforehand.

So you were planning to talk to me?

- Yes! - Great.

If something like this was gonna happen,

I was gonna talk to you!

What do you mean if something like this--

- with the kids! - So--

So you're saying this guy's gonna be in our kids' lives?

- No. - That's what--

- I-I don't know.

Because that's not a small thing.

No, it's not a small thing, but I don't know.

I don't know. I don't have to know.

I'm just sorry that it went down this way.

[Knocking on door]

Come in. [Door opens]

Your 2:30 just arrived.

Great. We're just wrapping up.

[Door closes]

[Whistle blows on TV]

Oh. Oh, that's nice.

Hey, you remember when you took Adam and I

camping in Yosemite?

And we were obsessed about getting attacked by a bear?

You remember that? Yeah.

And we were talking about how to defend ourselves

against a predator like that?

He was gonna use karate.

I was gonna use a club, and finally you go,

"would you guys stop obsessing about this bear?"

"There are no bears here." Right. Right.

And then on cue,

the biggest bear in Yosemite comes charging out of the woods.

- No, no, no, no, no. - You remember that?

I mean, it only seemed that big

'cause you were about 2 feet tall.

That thing was humongous! Adam froze stiff.

I dropped to the ground

'cause I thought you were supposed to pretend you're dead,

and then you immediately--

two steps forward,

hands over head, "get out of here, bear!

Scram!" Yeah.

- "Beat it!" - Well, I--

- and that bear took off like a cat.

Yeah. That's what you do with a black bear.

Oh, sure. That's what a man does.

You don't do that with a grizzly.

Okay.

What happens if you do that with a grizzly?

You run. [Cell phone rings]

- At you-- - As fast as you can.

Here we go. Jasmine's gonna ask me if I wore my seatbelt.

Not even her. Hello? Hey, mom.

Yeah. Of course I'm with him. Ah. Let me talk to her.

She said you don't ever answer your phone.

- Yeah. - Okay, you want to talk?

Yeah, he's ready for you.

Hello?

Zeek, I was so worried about you!

You were supposed to be home an hour ago.

Oh, well, yeah, I mean, Camille, everything's fine.

Nothing happened. I'm just sitting here talking to Crosby.

Yeah, except that you have four pills

that you're supposed to take that you don't have with you.

Are you in a bar? Yeah.

I'm in a bar,

but I'm not drinking, so you don't need to worry.

And by the way, Camille, I'm not your patient.

Yeah, well, someone has to look after you

because you obviously can't look after yourself.

[Sighs] Look.

I'm sitting here having a good time with my son,

and when we're done, I'll be home, but not before then.

Is that all right? Of course.

It's only your health. That's all.

Good. All right. See you.

[Exhales]

You'll learn how to do that.

You just toed the line.

That is how you-- I got to take notes.

- Hey, you want another one? - I certainly do.

Should we get another round? Yeah.

Can we get a soda, hold the whiskey,

and a whiskey, hold the soda?

Say "Otis, sit."

- Sit, Otis. - Sit, Otis.

- Sit. - Sit, Otis.

Sit.

We'll get there. Sit, Otis.

- Sit, Otis. - Sit.

- Hey, Max. - Sit, Otis.

- How was school, bud? - Go get your ball for me, okay?

Dylan currently likes me at a 2 1/2.

Though you both claim to be experts on the subject,

I'm not sure that your advice is enough

to bring that up to a five,

so I've consulted outside sources.

What do you have here?

- Double your dating. - Oh, boy.

What every man should know about how to be

successful with women by James Turner.

The mystery method: How to get any woman

into bed with you by mystery

with Chris Odom. Okay.

And the game: Penetrating the secret society

of pickup artists by Jeff Lee,

who is the best-selling author

of if the boat's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.

Wait a minute.

Max, these are not really books about dating.

They're pickup books. They're written by con artists.

Of course they're books about dating.

This one has "dating" in the title.

I know it does, but let me just talk to you about it, okay?

You don't need to read these books.

- Honey, these are... - No.

These are books by experts in a subject

that I'm interested in.

How many books have you written on the subject of dating?

- None, but I can talk-- - None. Exactly.

I'm gonna read these in my room until dinner.

- All right. - That's good.

Hey. This is not my fault.

That is good.

I didn't encourage him to go get those books.

It is your fault. You are encouraging him.

Honey, you're undermining... No, I'm not.

- Our whole plan. - How?

- Yes, you are, by saying... - No, I'm not.

"I was once a two. I was once a two."

I was trying to be encouraging, that was a--

a story about us. You said... - I was flirting with you.

- I was a two. I know. - That was different.

I was trying to get him to understand the game.

I get that, okay?

But this girl is not gonna like him that way.

- Why not? - Plain and simple.

- Why? Why not? - I--because.

- Because why? - [Sighs]

Adam, really? What?

Because Max is different?

Because he's difficult?

I know he is, but so are all the other kids at Chambers Academy.

They're all--they're a potpourri of freaks, like Dylan said.

Right?

So why not Max?

I need to believe this is possible.

- Okay. - Okay.

But those books are not-- he cannot read those books.

- They're gone. Right now. - Okay?

- Okay. - Promise.

I'll take 'em away right now. I promise you.

- All right. - Okay?

I love you. Come here.

- I love you too. - All right.

This guy.

All right, this way. So...

- Down at the end of the hall. - You live here?

Yeah. I live here.

Why?

Uh, no. Just-- is it less scary during the day?

No, it's pretty much exactly the same. What?

You don't think it has a sort of rustic charm?

It's got-- it's got something.

[Laughs]

God, you know, you're such a preppy, like, tech guy.

- I am not. - You totally are.

[Laughs] Well, maybe a little bit.

I've got my sweater on.

Yeah.

I--

- What?

I... um, I just have a question.

Shoot. What do you got?

How do you feel about, uh,

going out with somebody that has some baggage?

I think that most smart, uh, complicated,

gorgeous people have it.

I-I think that's what makes them interesting.

Um...

Is this about you not drinking at dinner?

I have a lot of friends who have been through AA.

- No. I--no, no. - I'm totally not prejudiced.

I think it's like high blood pressure.

I wish it was that. It's--

I'm--I'm pregnant.

With a baby?

That's--that's the kind of pregnant I am, yes.

Wow. Um, you don't look it.

- Oh. - Congratulations.

- Thank you, thank you. - I'm sorry.

But, you know, I'm not-- I'm not seeing anybody.

I'm--I'm totally single.

The father is not in the picture,

so I'm just gonna do it alone.

I- I respect that. That's--

- Thanks. Yeah, but--

so, I mean, do you still want to come in,

and we can hang-- we can hang out?

Uh, you know, I-- uh, crap.

I do, um--I got a-a busy day at work tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm. - I totally, uh, forgot.

It's, uh-- Okay.

We're beta-launching our new app.

It's just--it's gonna be crazy.

I should probably get some sleep.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll--I'll call you. Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Good night.

Bye.

It's just been one crappy thing after another.

You know, these artists,

they're not artists. They're babies.

They're--all of 'em are self-destructive babies

with zero conscience.

They just--they can't wait to stab you in the back.

Oliver Rome-- he's gone.

We have no money now coming into the Luncheonette.

So, you know, Adam and I are scrambling,

and then when I get home,

Jasmine is like, "where have you been?

How long are you gonna be out next time?" You know?

"What-- are you riding a motorcycle?"

And it just doesn't end, and then Jabbar is so sweet.

I love him so much, but,

you know, every time I walk in the door,

it's, "we gotta go to the trampoline thing.

We got to go to see a movie, go play catch."

I barely play with him,

you know, 'cause I fractured these two ribs,

and speaking of which, you know,

I-I go to the doctor, and the guy says, "you know,

it's gonna take a while at your age, to heal,"

and I was like, "at my age?" Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. How did you fracture your ribs?

I got in a, uh, small motorcycle thing.

You know, like, just a-- it's not a big deal.

Don't--you don't look at me like that.

Don't be on her side,

'cause that's all I got left is that motorcycle.

No. I know what it's like, though.

You got a house full of kids.

You got no money coming in,

and you feel like you're in the middle of things,

and you're being pushed

and pulled in different directions.

Exactly.

Well...

You got to--

you got to try to enjoy it, son,

you know?

Have a little fun,

and scare the bear.

It just goes by fast.

Forever I will move

like the world that turns beneath me

and when I lose my direction

I'll look up to the sky

Knock, knock.

Hi. Hey.

Treat delivery. Ha ha! Okay.

Let's see what... Thank you.

Cool bad-boy stuff we got in here.

Vodka. Huh? It's the nice stuff.

- Uh-huh. - Won't give you a headache.

Enjoy that. What else?

Oh, look. Skull bong. I'm ready to let go.

Why are you giving me skull bong?

You've been eyeing it forever, and now it's yours.

Congratulations. Okay. Thank you.

Let's see. What else do we have here?

Oh. What skull bong would be complete

without a little medical-grade...

- Wow. - Sweet, sweet green.

- Thank you. - Enjoy.

- This is-- - Have some good ideas on that.

- You can't have it... - What else do we have?

Ooh, look. 'Cause of pregnancy?

- Condoms! - I don't want your...

Because nobody's ever gonna want to touch me again.

- Amber-- - Here you go, all for you.

I don't want your condoms.

Well, I can't have it.

I can't have any of it. Can't have anything.

Can't even have a successful relationship now.

You talked to him?

I told him about it, and...

I think you can imagine how it went.

- Yeah. - He was just like, "okay.

Yeah. I'll call you."

It was, like, too classic. Yeah.

I'm sorry, Amber.

You know, Amber, it's just a hard thing, you know?

It's gonna be hard for a minute. [Sighs] Yeah. I know.

Doesn't really have anything to do with you.

It's just like-- It's just a bummer, you know?

Like... Yeah.

I knew that,

like, everything was gonna be different, you know?

Obviously, and I-I didn't know I--derailed.

I mean, my life is, like, completely over as I know it.

Okay. Your life is not over, seriously.

You're giving me all your stuff

that you can have back in a few months.

You know?

It's not over.

You know, right now is a weird time.

And you kind of did it out of order,

but that does not mean that your life's over

or that you're not gonna meet anybody

or never have a boyfriend again.

Seriously.

Oh, the minivan.

- Yup. Watch your head. - Yay!

- Watch your head. - Where's the babies?

- At home with my mother. - Okay.

- Careful. - No, no, no. Don't do that.

You know, Crosby, I don't want to hear it, just--

- don't leave him with your mom.

Jasmine, gee, you know,

thank you for doing this. No problem.

Camille doesn't drive well at night, and, uh,

he was in quite a state, so-- Yeah.

I am fine, thank you!

You're drunk.

Well, it was just gonna be me and Cros,

you know, having a good talk,

and things got out of hand, so...

Hmm.

I'm, uh--I'm sorry.

I apologize. It's not your fault.

It's not.

[Sighs]

I'm worried about him.

Yeah, me too.

All right. That's a great start.

We've got art, and we've got animals.

Those are two great topics to start a conversation with.

So you're good.

I still don't understand

how she could like horses more than lizards.

How come?

Horses are inferior.

Okay, good point, but, Max,

women are mysterious creatures.

They're not always gonna like exactly what you like.

The books say that I should highlight my best qualities.

I think that's good advice. What do you think they are?

- I don't know. - No?

- What do you think, mom? - Hey.

Hi. Um, what do I think?

Gosh, that's tough because there are so many.

- Yeah. - There are so many.

How to list them all? You're smart.

Very smart.

One of the smartest people I know.

Brilliant, actually. Great photographer.

Mmhmm. A wonderful photographer.

You have a great eye. You're quickwitted.

Mmhmm. That's for sure.

Um, you are funny.

- Great lover of animals. - Mm-hmm.

You're, um, honest.

You're very, very honest.

You are brave.

You have a huge heart.

How far

can I go?

who are you?

do you even have a clue?

[Door opens]

- Hey. - Hi.

You look fantastic.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

So I hope you're ready

for some absolutely amazing French cuisine

because I found the perfect place to take you.

- Oh? Where? - Mm-hmm.

Is there someone else

You grocery shopped?

There's two more just like it.

Mmhmm. Does this mean you're cooking?

I'm cooking.

- You don't cook. - I don't grocery shop either.

Okay. [Laughs]

Look, I'm sorry if I've been putting pressure on you

to define things.

I'm really sorry that I crashed your barbecue.

I'm really sorry about that.

I, uh--I like this.

I like this, and I just want to keep going

at whatever speed you're comfortable with.

I can't believe you're cooking.

No one is more surprised than I am.

I may have oversold the cuisine just a touch.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

But I can promise you

there's not gonna be any gossipy moms in my kitchen.

Do you know your family?

You know what? Let's go out.

Yeah. Out, like in public?

- Out. - Really?

- Let's go out. - You sure about this?

Let's go to the French place.

You want to go to the French place?

Yeah.

There could be moms at the French place.

There could be moms at the French place.

- Can you handle that? - I'll live.

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