All language subtitles for Parenthood s01e06 The Big .eng

I have a kid.
His name is Jabbar.

Hey, did you
take the test?

The test?
The paternity test?

I want to get
a paternity test.

I'm Mark Cyr,
eleventh grade English.

My daughter's teacher.

You know what,
I'm trying to impress you.

It worked.

You must be Julia!

This is Racquel.
Hi.

You are so amazing.

Oh. Alrighty.

Honey.

Wow.

Honey, I have to wash Max's bandana.

Huh?
It's filthy.

If he's going
to be a pirate,

at least he's going
to be a clean pirate.

It's like, ring around the neck.

Oh, my God,
and his behavioral aide

is going to
be here at 10:00.

And we both need to be on the
same page with all this stuff.

I have a thousand questions
that I want to ask her.

And you know what else?

I forgot to tell you that Haddie
has a biology test, you know.

And she has not even
studied for it. Not once.

It's really getting me
mad. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's doesn't even
care about it. Hey, hey.

We just had
morning sex,

like free, bonus, unadulterated,
like pre-kid morning sex.

Uh-huh. It was nice.
It was, uh...

Nice?

It was amazingly nice.

Amazingly nice?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Chop, chop. Let's go.
Just meet me downstairs.

Nice?

Why does school start
so early? 8:30, so dumb.

And Monday,
why not start Tuesday?

Shouldn't we be the
ones complaining? No?

Well, I'm just saying. Why start
on Monday, why not start on Tuesday?

Can you pull over up here? Why?

What do you mean? School's up
here. Just stop right here, please.

School's over there.

Are you kidding me?

I'm so embarrassing that I can't
drop you off in front of school?

Kind of.

Morning.

Hey!

Hi!
Don't Mondays suck?

I was just
saying that.

I literally just said
that. That's so weird.

I'll see you in class.
- Okay.

Bye.
Bye. Bye, Mr. Cyr.

Hi.

Hey.

We just lost our key witness
in our Downey Smith trial.

What are you
doing here?

I got the results
of the paternity test.

I didn't really want
to open it by myself.

Oh.

So, maybe you
could help out.

That's really sweet.

It's also kind of
pathetic. Here.

You... There's no pictures of
me at all in this whole office.

You embarrassed
to have me in the family?

Oh, by the way,
I got you and Jabbar

into Joel's
Wednesday play group.

Wait, you got us in?

There's a three-month
wait list.

For a play group? How
long is this going to take?

Come on, open it.
Well, okay.

I mean,
can't we work up to it?

Can you open it?

What are you
in such a hurry for?

Are you afraid of being a
father or not being a father?

Yes, both.
You're a wimp.

You're a tyrant.
Mmm-hmm.

You're welcome.
Open it.

Um...

He's mine.

I'm a father.

So, so... Phew!

What do I do now?

I mean,
what's supposed to...

I got to buy a microwave
and move to the suburbs?

Oh, my God. We got to tell Mom and Dad.

Yes, you do.
No, wait.

We'll go together,
you and I.

Grow up.

Growing up means asking
for help, which I'm doing.

Oh, that's very
mature of you,

but also grow up
and do it yourself.

I don't think you've read
one of those books.

I think that's
all for show.

You want to frame this
for your office?

'Cause this might be the
document that made me grow up.

It would look great here.

I mean, I know you don't want any
pictures of me, so, maybe just this.

You'll be fine.

Hi. I'm Gaby.

Hi.

I'm Max's
behavioral aide.

Oh. Oh.
Oh.

Come on in.
Thanks.

So, how do you usually
start with a kid like Max?

Well,
you guys tell me.

What would be most helpful
to get started with?

There you go. It's hot. Thank you.

Uh, honey?
- Have a seat.

What...
What do you think?

Oh, God...

I don't
even know where to begin.

There are so many things, I mean...

Well, if there were
a behavior of Max's

you could wave a wand and
change, what would it be?

Well, how much would
a wand like that cost?

Oh, gosh, in the mornings, it takes
him a really long time to get ready.

Like a really
long time.

His diet, he's got
a very limited diet.

He'll only eat certain
things, cooked in certain ways.

Right, like he'll
only eat eggs

if they're cooked
in the orange frying pan.

Is that sort of behavior normal
for a kid with Asperger's?

The orange frying
pan is new.

Oh, it's weird even for
a kid with Asperger's.

Great.

And he has tantrums, temper
tantrums, sometimes severe.

I don't know if
I'd call them severe.

Biting? The fish tank?

All right. Yeah.

There was an incident.
Okay.

Okay, tell me,
how is he doing socially?

Does he have
a lot of friends?

Does he have
play dates?

No.

No.

Max doesn't really
have any friends.

Okay. Why don't
we start there?

That's good.

The horned lizard can
squirt blood from its eyes.

The armadillo Lizard can curl
itself up into a tight ball

to protect itself from
attack.

The sungazer lizard has spikes
that cover its whole body.

And lots of lizards
can change colors.

That's very cool, Max.

So, we've been doing what
you want for 20 minutes.

It's time to try
one of my games.

No way.

Hey, Max, be polite.

Max, you get to choose
whichever one you want.

Oh, you know what, he doesn't
like board games at all.

We've tried.
Okay.

When you make a deal, he has to
hold up his end of the bargain.

Okay.

All right, Max,
check this out.

Cool. This is the deal, okay?

Every minute you play one of
these games, you get a sticker.

I have a whole bunch of them
in my bag here, all right?

So, you get
up to 20 stickers,

cash them in,
you get the book.

What do you say?

How about I get the book
first, then we play the game?

I know how you feel,
'cause you know what,

I used to always want my
dessert before my dinner.

And it always turned out, I had
to have my veggies first, so...

Yep.

Forget it then.

Max, honey, you know what? Max.

Why don't we
go get a cookie?

That might work.
Yeah, sure.

No, no. No cookies. You
got to stick with the plan.

You got
to be firm. Okay? Okay.

Okay? Sorry.
Yeah. Okay.

Max, no cookie today.
The reward is the book.

I want the book.

So, we're going
to have to play a game.

No, I want the book.

Okay, you know,
when he has that tone...

When he has that tone all
bets are off. That's okay.

He's gonna lose it.
That's okay.

He's gonna lose it.
That's okay.

Watch. Listen, Max, nothing
here is going to change

unless you put Guacamole
back in the cage.

You make the choice.

Sorry, Guacamole.

Okay. Let's pick a game.

Hey.

Hey, Amber. What's up?

I was just
wondering, um...

I know I didn't seem very
excited about it in class,

but I was just wondering if you
were still trying to get people

to join that weird literary
magazine thingy, The Spectrum?

Yeah. Yeah,
are you interested?

I mean, sure, I guess.

'Cause I have to have, like,
extra-curricular activities anyway.

So, I might as well,
like, right?

Oh, well, with a passionate plea like
that, How can I say no?

Yeah, that's great.
That's fantastic.

So, I guess the next
step is, we are formatting

tomorrow after school in
the computer lab. So just...

Cool.
...go there.

Formatting
in computer labs,

and here I thought it
would be nerdy and lame.

Not at all.

And then we're going to be
footnoting and end-noting.

And it's going
to be so cool.

Great.

A bunch
of cool people.

You have chalk on your...

Oh.
Yeah.

It's a little
occupational hazard.

I put it there on purpose.

Okay, bye.

All right, see you
around. Thanks, Amber.

Okay.

Oh, this is new.

Has it been
washed before?

Um, I don't
think so.

Well, I should
wash it separately.

No, you can wash it
with all the other T's.

Well,
it's red, you know.

It'll bleed if it hasn't
been washed before.

All right, well, if you don't
mind, then I guess that's better.

I don't mind.
Okay.

Jeez, didn't you do like
eight loads here last week?

Jeez, did you get in a
fight with a leaf blower?

He just wants to visit us
and this is a good excuse.

Hey, I'm glad
you're both here.

There's something I've
been meaning to tell you.

Somebody's come
into my life recently.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

What happened to Katie?
She was a nice girl, Katie.

Yeah, nothing
happened to Katie.

You know,
this is kind of serious.

Well, isn't it
always serious?

For the first week
and a half.

I'm so glad I can
entertain you.

Oh, come on,
we're only joking.

Tell us
all about her.

You know what, I got
to run to the studio.

I'll tell you when
I'm through with that.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Ooh, sorry. Sorry.
Can you grab the...

Hi, what'll you have?

I'm okay. Um...

Can we talk for just one
second, maybe over here?

Yeah.
Sorry.

No, no.
One second.

Is, uh...
Very short.

Is everything okay
with Amber?

No, yeah, she's fine.

No, I'm actually, I'm
here on my own behalf.

I just wanted to

say...

And this is really lame and
probably embarrassing for me,

but, um, I'm going
to say it.

I...

I really like you, and...

Hey, Sarah, can I get another
drink down here, please?

Just one second.
I'm sorry. Go on.

That's fine. You know, I've been
thinking about you since we met.

And, you just...
You make me laugh.

And you make me
feel good.

And I just feel that...

Sarah!
...there's something...

So sorry. Don't.
Please don't.

I'll tell you in a
second. After you... Okay.

Take care of
your customer.

Yes, yes,
another one?

Yeah.
Okay.

That's on
the house. Okay.

- Oh, sweet. Ooh.
- Try that, yeah.

So.
Hi.

Okay, so I, um...

I just sense that there's this
connection even though, you know,

I, whatever, I...

Fall asleep when you
try to count to my age?

No, no, despite that, I...

I teach
your daughter.

I have a daughter?

Um, so I wanted
to give you this.

Um, and I know that
texting is the thing

that most of the kids
are doing nowadays,

but I think there's something
more romantic about, um,

pen and paper.

But, don't open it
right now.

I'm gonna go.
Okay.

And, uh, yeah.

It was nice to see you. And
just follow the directions.

All right, teach.

All right.
I am gonna go.

I like
your seahorse.

Thanks. Nice to
seahorse you.

Hey, Sarah?

Okay.
You forgot the ice.

Oh, yeah?

Ice, ice.

You're asking
for my advice?

It's true.

Aw, this is so great.
I know.

You never come to me.

Well, you know.

Huh.

There's a first
for everything.

What's next? You asking me for advice?

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, sorry. Go.
What is it?

I met someone.

Uh-huh.

And, um, he's...
He's great.

He's Amber's teacher.
And he's kind of young.

Is he legal?

Age?
Yeah.

Yeah. He's 26. Gross.

Oh, okay.
Oh, he's married.

What? No!

Then what are you
asking me about?

You're all systems go.
Is that it?

Do you not understand the
subtlety of the situation?

Yeah.
What about Amber?

The guy's younger
than Julia.

He's younger
than me by a lot.

Look.

You want to say, "Yes."
I do.

That's why
you're asking me.

If you wanted
to say, "No,"

you would ask Dudley
Do-Right or Judge Julia.

You don't think
it's weird?

No way.

No rules.
No.

Ha! I didn't read a rule book.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.
I feel much better.

Hey, this went
pretty good, huh?

I know. Yeah.
Right?

For a trial run?
Pretty good.

Maybe I'll start asking
you for all kinds of advice.

So, you know,
any time you want advice.

Oh, really? All right.
Okay. Yeah.

And, just, you know,
maybe to make it even,

I'm just throwing this out there,
but what if you came with me

to tell Mom and Dad
about Jabbar?

What? No.

Well, then you owe me one,
something else. Think about it.

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks for your advice. Tell
them yourself, you freak.

Right. Yeah.

A standard issue gun
in the military is the M4A1.

Now, that's one of the most famous
assault rifles there is. Also...

This is great.

I canceled a meeting to find out

that we're paying $30
an hour for a babysitter.

This is costing us a
lot of money... I know.

...Kristina, that's all.
I understand.

I just want to see some
results. That's all. I know.

Well, do you
have a gun?

I do not
have a gun, Max.

Well, if you are
going to get a gun,

the AK-47 is the best
assault rifle...

This is great,
she's playing ball with him

and looking
up the hill.

Hey, Max.

Looks like that girl over there
wants to play some four square.

Over there by the tree. MAX: Why?

Why don't you go ask
her if she wants to play?

I'll just play
with you.

Actually, no.

I'll just play with you.

I'll just play with you!
She's going to try to get him

to play with the kid.
Right.

That girl by the tree. Yeah. Good luck.

Yeah, a blizzard's coming
our way today, too.

Mmm-hmm.

And you get a lizard
on the way home.

What kind
of lizard?

Any lizard you want.

Okay.

You know how many times I've tried this?

And now remember,
look her in the eye, okay?

And don't forget
to give her a smile.

Hi, I'm Max.

I'm Jessica.

Huh.

Oh, uh, do you want
to play four-square?

Sure.

I did it.
You did it.

You get your lizard.

How about that?

Hey, you know,
she just got lucky.

No, she didn't.

Sweetie.

The dragon is hungry!

Isn't he amazing?

All kids should have a
male role-model like Joel.

Yeah, he's really great
with them, huh?

It's a gift.

He's like
a rock star.

Big time.

Uh-oh!
Uh-oh! Uh-oh.

It looks like the princess has
some ants on a log for all of you!

Okay! Look what Joel
made everybody.

Who wants
some of those?

Me!

Yeah!

Okay, okay.
You want to do that?

Oh, absolutely.

Do you need anything?
I'm good.

I'm good.

Oh, look at this.

She's the president
of his fan club here.

Okay, you good?

He's having a ball.

Mmm-hmm.

I just... I don't know how you did it.

I mean, I've been trying
to do this for so long.

And I'm...
I'm just amazed.

Do you want a snack, an apple
or something? I have tons.

How are you?

How am I? Yeah, how are you doing?

I'm good.

But I mean like...

I'm good.
I promise.

It's just so nice to see Max
play with other kids, you know.

And you helped
him do it.

Mmm-hmm.

You did.

None of this is
easy, you know.

I'm sorry, I just feel like a loser.

I feel like
a total loser.

I've been trying to do
this for so long and I've...

You make it seem so easy. Mmm.

I mean, just watching...

It's not. It's hard.

And I only work with
him a few hours a day.

This is your life,
you know.

I don't know
how you do it.

I know. I... Well...

That's what nobody
gets. I try to explain...

Just the worry, the
worry never goes away.

Like I... I find myself up late
at night just worrying about Max.

And is there something
we should have tried?

Something we should try?

When I'm not worried
about him,

I'm worried about the fact that
I'm not worried about Haddie.

When I'm not worried
about Haddie,

it's just like it never stops, you know.

Adam and I,
maybe we get a chance

to spend some time alone, just together.

Yeah.
Some miracle chance.

It's like, I cannot stop worrying
long enough to enjoy anything.

Anything like a movie or
a nice dinner or sex, if...

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I
should... No, no, no, no.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Don't tell him I said that. I won't.

'Cause he does
satisfy me.

I'm sure he does.
A lot.

He's got a good one.

Okay. Never mind.

Listen, you need to relax.

Oh, my God.

Honestly, you're
too hard on yourself.

You need to just cut
yourself some slack and relax.

Okay, okay.

Then, I'm going to go to
Hawaii and you can raise my son.

I'll babysit,
how about that?

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks. Okay.

Yeah, I don't think that they're
going to spring anything on you.

The deposition is now set
for Thursday morning.

And we're going to
go over all of it

at the briefing beforehand. Thank you.

You know what, can I
call you back about this?

Just give me a couple of minutes,

something has come up in the family.

I... I will call
you right back.

Thank you.
For what?

The play group was inspirational. Yeah.

I mean, wow. Your
husband is a rock star.

He is, isn't he?

Yeah. Oh, I mean, no
disrespect to Dad, but it's like

I finally have
a role-model now.

You know, someone I
want to be like as a dad.

Oh, my God.
Adam's a good dad.

Well, yeah, he's a great dad.
But he's not a rock star.

Joel, on the other hand,
wow!

Wait. Okay, what do
you mean by rock star?

Well, he's worshipped.

Oh, yeah.

Like a deity.

Yeah, the kids
love him.

Well, not just
the kids, believe me.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

No, no, you said
"worshipped." Who worships him?

You know, the, um...

The kids,
and the two gay dads,

Timmy and Tony
or whatever, and me.

Yeah.
And the other moms.

Which other moms?
All the other moms.

All the other moms?

Well, no,
not all of them.

Racquel?
Is it Racquel?

I really couldn't say.

Oh, you're
such a bad liar.

I know.
Uh, so...

I... Listen.
So, come on!

So, so, what is she
like when I'm not around?

Look, I don't know.

Does she flirt?

Well, you know, how does one
define "flirting" these days?

Gazing, smiling, touching,
smiling again. Mmm-hmm.

Providing multiple beverages.

Check.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And ants on a log.

But it's totally harmless.
I mean, Joel would never...

Oh, I know.
It's fine.

It's...
It's completely fine.

Okay, good.
So give me details.

Look, I... I don't really want
to go down this road with you.

I'm new to the play
group. And it's just like,

the first rule of play group
is there is no play group.

You're going to have
to find another source.

That's cool.
I got what I need, Crosby.

Good luck.

I've never
played that.

Yeah, it's not that hard
to play, though.

It's not? Yeah. And he's
actually pretty good at it.

Will you teach
me? HADDIE: I think...

Hey, sorry I'm late. HADDIE:
You don't really care, come on.

There is no way.
- Well, you should.

I swear to God.
Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Hi, honey.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

How are you?

Hey, Dad?
Yeah?

Is it okay if I go over
to Jenna's? Yeah, sure.

Okay. Thank you.
I told her she could.

Hey, buddy.

I played with a girl
at the park today

and so I got a lizard. And
tomorrow I'm going to get bugs.

He did so good.
That's great.

Wow.

Hi.
Hi.

Good day?
Very good day.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. And, uh,
everything's working out?

Yeah,
everything's good.

You got a plan for tomorrow?
Everything's working out.

Should I get some more
of those index cards?

Sure.
- Okay, perfect.

Everything is
progressing all right?

Yes, everything's
going great.

You guys just
need to relax.

Thank you so much.
- Okay.

You're welcome.
- You're a gem.

You relax tonight.
You got to relax. Huh?

Mmm. All right.

All right?
- Okay.

Thank you.

Mum's the word.

Bye.

She's working
out great.

It looks like everything
is getting a lot better.

Oh, yes.

That's great.

They went so much better.
You don't even understand.

Oh, my gosh.
Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, wow, that early morning
shoulder massage is paying off.

Honey, Max played with
this little girl for hours.

Yeah?

And hours.
Uh-huh.

Is that what's making you
all frisky? Max's play date?

Not that there's anything wrong
with that. No, no, I just...

I was so wrong about her. I mean,
she is like the best thing ever.

Uh-huh. I can't
even... Oh, she's great.

Yeah? She's great. Mmm-hmm.

What was that little wink,
wink, nudge, nudge all about?

Where?

You know, the little,
"relax tonight,"

and that little wink
she gave you there. Oh.

I just had a little... I had a
little meltdown earlier. Nothing big.

Honey, you doing okay?

I just, you know, sort of
ended up unloading on Gaby

about how stressed
I am, we are,

and how worried I am
all the time.

And how sometimes,
you know,

it's hard for us
to connect certain ways.

And she was
really helpful.

What do you mean?

How when we have certain times
together, and I can't relax.

Kristina, we're keeping our
private life private, right?

You're not talking about
sex? Honey, of course.

Kristina, are you talking about
our sex life? A little bit.

It's a natural thing.

It came up once
and it was just it.

She brought it up.

Well, what exactly
are you telling her?

I mean, you're not saying
that you're not enjoying it?

No, no.
Why would I tell her that?

Wait, wait... But I
mean... That's so dumb.

You are, aren't you? You've
been enjoying it? Honey.

I mean, you've been
satisfied? Will you relax?

I'm relaxed. Yes. Yeah, I'm enjoying it.

Uh-huh? You're satisfied? A lot.

Yes.

You sure?
Yes.

Wait a minute.
Feeling sexy.

What did
you tell her?

What did I
tell her when?

What? Why are you
looking at me like that?

I'm starting to
get sweaty. What?

Have you,
have you been...

Faking it?

Well, that doesn't
look good.

I did not say that.
No, clearly.

I did not say that.
Clearly you have been.

Why have... Why would you do that?

Honey, once in a while I do.

You know, I don't...
I don't want you

to think that I... I
don't want you to fake it.

I want you to have, you
know... I don't want you

to think that I don't appreciate
the effort. A healthy...

The effort? What, like
it's a science project?

'Cause you do a good job.

I don't need you to
comfort me by faking it.

Honey, I feel good. Why don't
you sit down and eat or drink?

Drink, why don't
you drink something?

Why would you tell
her about that?

I... She listened to me
and she opened up.

So, just now. I mean,
you were faking it just before?

Honey, understand something,

I feel better today
than I've felt in so long.

How about that time after the Jon Stewart
Daily Show, that was pretty intense.

That was
the real deal, right?

Yeah.

I mean, you weren't
faking it then, were you?

No. I swear.

You sure?
Yeah.

Yeah.

I just, you know, I
want to be able to know

that you're
really satisfied.

Whoa,
you're home early.

I am.

Crosby said he had a good
time at the play date.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was fun.

He called you
a rock star.

Really? Crosby said
something nice about me, huh?

That's a first.

In fact, he used
the word "worshipped."

Why does that not sound
like a good thing?

Did Racquel hit on you?

Is that what Crosby said?

He didn't have to.
I inferred.

No, she did not
hit on me.

She didn't.
I swear, Julia.

So, you're saying I have
nothing to worry about?

There's nothing to worry about. Yeah.

She didn't hit on you?
No.

She's never hit on you?

Joel?

Okay. All right.

Nothing happened.

A couple of months ago,
she got a little, um...

And I shut it down, totally.

And that was it.

How could she? How
could... You're a father.

You know, our daughters
are best friends.

How could she...
What did you do?

Her husband was out of town
on work. You were working late.

The girls fell asleep.

And, uh, I guess she started talking
to me about troubles in her marriage.

And, I listened.
And she...

She misinterpreted.

And...

And what?

She kissed you.

Joel, did she kiss you?

She tried.

I stopped it.

End of story.

Wow.

Wow.

How come
you didn't tell me?

I didn't want things
to get weird.

I thought I was insane
for being jealous of her.

You let me think
that I was insane.

Harmony is Sydney's
best friend, Julia.

And you're using our daughter as
your excuse for not telling me?

Yeah, yeah,
because it's the truth.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't want
that woman in our lives.

Oh, come on, Julia.

Is that too much to ask?

You take away Racquel,
you take away Harmony.

And our daughter is left
without her best friend.

Our daughter is
five years old

and she will make
new friends, right?

Come on. What if I was at work every day

with a guy
who hit on me?

Okay?

So, um...

Do you want to
tell Sydney or should I?

I'll tell her.

You put this on you
and then you carry it.

I'll tell her tomorrow.

Sorry.

Thank you. Okay.

Hi.
Hey.

Hi.
What are you doing?

Nothing.
What are you doing?

I'm just dropping
this stuff off for Dad.

Oh, yeah?
Where is everybody?

Oh, God, I don't know. Crosby
went somewhere with Mom and Dad.

And Drew's avoiding
me like always.

And Amber is really, really
late coming home from school.

And she's probably
smoking or drinking or

stealing something.
I don't know, so.

Have you ever
faked an orgasm?

What? Just address the question, please.

I don't know that it's a
question I want to answer.

You're my sister, just answer
the question, would you?

No, I haven't had to.

Cool.

Wait, wait.
Why are you asking?

No reason.

Oh, no, no.
All right.

Unless...
I'm out of here.

No, no. Wait,
I'm just kidding.

Of course I have.

And if someone in your
life has, that's okay, too.

Well, you have?
Yes, of course.

Everybody has.
Well, when?

I don't know. A couple
of different times. Why?

A couple of different reasons.
Well, can you name them?

I mean, I don't...
I just don't get it.

It's like, we don't
want you to feel bad.

God, this is
just horrible.

What, are you all in on
this? It's not horrible.

It's not horrible.
We're not all in on it.

She shouldn't have
told you, first of all.

That breaks
the code right there.

Well, how am I
supposed to tell?

You can't tell, honey.
It's fake.

Sorry.
Well, I don't get it.

I really don't get it.
I mean, why fake it at all?

'Cause it's too long
to explain in the moment.

It's like, you just kind of, you know,

put on a happy face and just,
you know, better luck next time.

But it's a lie.
Yeah.

It's an act.
But it's not a lie.

It is an act. But it's an
act of something positive.

It's an act of generosity. It's a gift.

A gift?
Yes!

How is faking it a gift?

Because it says to you,
"Thank you so much for trying.

"Please come again soon. Come
again as soon as you possibly..."

Hi.
Hi.

Hey.
Uh, okay, thanks.

So, just tell Dad, shoes...
So, come back again...

Light bulbs.
...next time.

And I'll just give him
those. Okay. Yes, goodbye.

Where have you been?

School.

Where were you?
Just tell me.

I was seriously
at school this time.

Doing what?

Extra credit stuff.

I was formatting in the
computer lab, if you must know.

I don't even understand
that. What does that mean?

It's extra credit
for school, okay?

Mr. Cyr, my English teacher. Oh.

Okay?
For Mr. Cyr?

Yeah.
Oh, that's great.

Yeah.
Extra credit.

Yeah. No big deal.
That's good.

Oh, I know.
I'm just...

I'm proud
of you, you know.

Extra credit, that's extra.

Okay.
You don't have to do that.

Don't be weird.
I'm not weird.

Little scoop
of ice cream.

Right. CAMILLE:
You know, like this big.

You want it 50l50?

Oh. At least 50l50.

Yeah, yeah, maybe
even more ice cream.

Hey, this is on me.
Huh?

I got this.
I got this one.

That's unprecedented.

It's my way of saying,
thank you,

for all the nice things
you guys do for me.

That's very sweet
of you.

Oh, man,
this is embarrassing.

Can you float me 40?

Dad, I... Dad, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Really?
Yeah, I have it.

Listen, you know the care
packages, and the laundry,

and the boat repairs, I know
you think I take it for granted.

But I don't. I... I
appreciate it. I really do.

You feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel great.

I also want to say

that I'm not going to be such
a burden anymore to you guys.

Well, I wouldn't say
you've been a burden.

Define burden.

I've been working
more hours.

And I've been... I've been
putting away some cash.

I'm preparing for the
next stage in my life.

Crosby, you're starting to
scare the hell out of me.

Us, actually.

It's not bad. It's, uh...
It's a good thing.

It's a really good thing.

You know, people would
say it's a great thing.

Uh...

I have a son.

You what?

I'm a father.

So, you and Crazy Katie
hit the jackpot then, right?

No, no. It's not...

It's not
Crazy Katie and I.

You shouldn't call her that.
That's a little rough.

You call her that.

This is...
It's another woman

from a few years ago,
who's a dancer.

Uh-huh.

And she was touring
the Bay Area.

And we had some fun.

And, you know how
I feel about dancers.

She swings on...

She doesn't dance
with a pole.

She's like a...
You know, ballet.

Anyways, look, I didn't
know she got pregnant.

And then she showed up a
few months ago with a boy.

He's five years old.

And you...

You're serious?

Yeah. Yes.

You're sure he's yours?

I mean, you've had
the test and everything.

Yeah.
I'm sure he's mine.

He's... He's amazing.

I mean,
you're gonna love him.

He's really great.

Wow, Crosby.

You're a dad.

Yeah, I know
it's crazy.

But I'm really taking
this thing seriously.

And that's what I meant
about a new stage in my life.

Like, I... This is me
now. Crosby the dad.

And I'm going to be more
responsible and independent.

Mom, please say something.

You look like you're gonna...

Does he look like you? 'Cause
you were just the cutest kid ever.

He looks...
Yeah, he looks like me.

I'm just so happy
for you, for all of us.

When do we get
to meet him?

I'll ask his mom when
he has some free time.

What's his name?
Jabbar.

Jabbar?

Yeah, Jabbar.
Jabbar.

Jabbar.

What kind of name
is Jabbar?

What the hell kind
of name is Zeek?

It doesn't matter what...
The name doesn't matter.

Okay, what's his last name?
Is it Braverman?

It better be Braverman.
Jabbar Braverman?

I'm working on that.

Oh.

Where are you going?

You're a daddy.
Oh, I can't believe it.

I know.
Me neither.

Hey.

Hi.

Um...
Hey.

Hi. I just... I've been
thinking about the note.

I know. I'm sorry.

No need to apologize.

I think you're right. Maybe it
was a little too complicated.

I mean, three options is
a lot of options. It's...

It's overwhelming.
I understand.

Yeah.

I'm just not good with
multiple choice.

No, no, this is...
This is my fault.

I mean, these choices
are ridiculous.

"Maybe"?
What the hell is that?

That's not
a real choice.

It's just confusing.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I was just trying
to write something.

So, I was thinking I should
just be more direct next time.

Hmm.

Will you go out
with me?

That is the correct answer.

I... I won't
interrupt anymore.

You ready, buddy?

Let's go. Let's go.
Beautiful.

Hey, guys.
Oh, they're here.

Hey.

We're here.

Oh, wow.

This is Jabbar.

Jabbar.

Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Braverman.

Oh.

He has your smile.

This is
Grandma Camille.

Hi.
Hello, Jabbar.

And that tall sucker
is Grandpa Zeek.

Jabbar, how are you? Hey,
you got a good handshake.

All right.

You can call me Grandma.

Okay.

Come here. You hungry?

We're barbecuing on
the grill. Some chicken.

What do you think?
Whoa.

It's really hard to put
into words. Yeah. Yeah.

Right.
I've been there.

Would you mind
if I borrowed your toothbrush?

Why?
Why do you need my toothbrush?

Oh, I ran out of eggs this
morning, so I ate my gym socks.

Your gym socks?

That's amazing.

He looks so grown up.

Yeah, who'd have thought?

I got it from
my grandpa.

Oh, who's that?

Orville Red-and-sockers.

Oopsies. Now, if you don't
eat popcorn, what do you eat?

I like the softer foods,
pears, plums, toothpaste.

Toothpaste?
Who eats toothpaste?

All the people with great
breath eat toothpaste.

This is amazing.

What's your favorite
brand of toothpaste?

Oh. Would you
look at that?

Does that just melt your
heart, or what?

You know, I was thinking of signing
Harmony up for a pottery class.

You know,
working with clay

just grounds you
to the earth.

Oh, I don't have
one of those customer cards

that gives you
a discount.

Mmm, they're not
hard to get.

There's no
credit check?

No, well at least they
didn't run me through one.

Maybe the girls can
do it together.

Oh, Harmony
would love that.

Yeah, I'm sure
Sydney would, too.

Yeah.

My name is Pete.

Okay,
close your eyes.

Oh, okay.
Close your eyes.

Well, that was my mouth,
but okay.

All right,
open them now.

Ta-da!

Huh?

Aw, you still have that? Whoa!

Oh, man.

That was your dad's
when he was your age.

It's for me?

You betcha.
Hop on.

Maybe your dad will teach
you some tricks on it.

Yeah, but I don't want
you doing any wheelies,

'cause your dad broke three teeth
and a lot of brain cells, you know.

Don't remind me.

I gained glory, though.

Can you do this?
Yeah.

You already know how?
Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to help you
out to the street, all right?

Easy does it.

Hey, you look
good on that.

Grandpa, Grandma,
are you watching?

We're watching.
Okay.

All right, you're ready?
Yeah.

All right, let's do it.

Peddling.
Come on, Jabbar!

Holy crap.

Oh, my God, Adam.
Oh.

That definitely beat the
time after The Daily Show.

Oh, yeah.

And the time after Leno.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So, I'm just going to say
that felt like the real deal.

Am I right?
Yeah, you're right.

Yep. You are right.

But even if it wasn't, you'd
probably say that it was?

Okay, but it was
the real deal, honey.

It was.
Definitely?

Yes. Uh-huh.

"Definitely" definitely?

Uh-huh. Adam?

I haven't felt this
relaxed in two months.

Please don't ruin it.

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