Original subtitles

Mr Brockman. His arm's not broken,

he'll just have a bruise.

Can I see him now? The nurse...

The doctor wants a few more minutes with Ben.

Oh, OK.

I notice that he's been to casualty four times in the last 14 months.

I know. He got a bit upset today that someone was sitting in his seat.

And the accident today...?

Yeah, I've already explained...

I'm just finding it hard to picture the moment before he fell.

Him hanging upside down, by his feet, from the banisters.

He was playing his vampire bat game.

His "vampire bat game".

Yeah.

Karen, it is after seven o'clock, and this project has to be in tomorrow.

Rhinos are boring.

Well, you chose them.

Yes, but I wanted to do it on rabbits.

But rabbits aren't endangered. Well, neither are rhinoceroses.

They just say that so that they get attention.

Well, look, whatever your personal feelings about rhinoceroses is,

you have to do this project.

You could do it.

Oh, no. We got five gold stars on my Brazil project.

Yes, and I got four and three quarters of those stars.

We could do it together!

OK, we'll do it together.

All right, I'll just be watching telly whilst we do it together.

No!

So, the one in April, you had hold of his ankles and you were swinging him round and round...

And the table was closer than I thought.

And he'd probably grown a bit since the last time I did it.

And the occasion in May? The stitches?

when he climbed the crockery cupboard and it fell on him.

Ask Ben! No, don't... don't ask Ben, because...

Ben is prone to exaggeration.

Well, more than that.

So you've never killed a man...

just to watch him die?

Oh, not that again.

Sometimes we see children with repeated injuries...

I know. I know. You have to check it out.

But just for your information, so far,

Ben has accidentally broken my nose,

cracked two of my ribs, catapulted a sharpened chopstick deep into my buttock,

and pushed a peanut into my ear while I was asleep,

just to see what happens.

But I have never, ever hurt him.

Except when I swung him round and... banged his head on the table.

CAR ALARM

Get out of here! Ben! Yeah? Pyjamas and teeth. OK.

And please can you just use toothpaste this time?

You know, I could strangle him.

Though according to their records, I've probably tried that.

There is a bear in the microwave.

It's a hot-water bottle. It's full of grain.

Karen's feeling poorly. Probably a case of my-brother's-getting- more-attention-than-me-itis.

Mum, Granddad called. Did he? How's he doing?

Yeah, he's fine.

He says he really likes the home, but next time you go, could you bring a Panasonic remote?

A remote? MICROWAVE BEEPS

Yeah, he says it'll give him dominance in the TV room.

I'm feeling sick, you know.

You better go to bed then.

Why has she got Hot Bear? I'm the ill one. I've been in hospital.

They said you were fine.

I was not fine. I had bruises and a pattern of unexplained injuries.

They are not unexplained injuries!

All you've got is a few little bruises on your arm.

I'm ill, so I should get Hot Bear.

But I'm iller. I'm iller!

Hey, stop it! Oh, no.

If you're both so poorly, then you both have to go to bed quickly.

So, come on, off you go.

But it's worse when I lie flat.

Then sleep in a cupboard. Come on, ups... Up you go.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hello, Tyson.

Ooh, hello, Tyson. Oh, thanks. That's...that's brilliant.

That's brilliant. Ooh, you're brilliant, Tyson. Oh, that's great.

Thank you. Ooh, that's great.

OK, well... we'll see you Monday then.

Right, thanks, Tyson.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

That was Tyson.

Oh, was it? Mmm.

He's given us a couple of days off. He's taking his daughter to Paris.

Paris, eh? All right for some.

She's got cystic fibrosis.

Oh, right, sorry. NEIGHBOURS SHOUTING

Next door's at it again.

God, those poor kids.

They've gone to stay with her mother.

I thought Barbara had kicked him out.

I think.... she's taken him back again.

Big mistake.

Not necessarily. There are two sides to a story.

He was screwing his PA, and his boss, at the same time!

What, literally, at the same time? Jake, just...

I knew he was dodgy. You just had to look at him.

You knew, by looking at him, he would have an affair? Yeah, creepy.

You need antennae. And you have those, do you?

Yeah. I mean, let's be honest - women have miles better antennae than men.

Barbara's weren't too hot. Where did she get those, Argos? Well, obviously not...

Replaced with a coat hanger.

CONTINUED SHOUTING

PHONE RINGS

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

Hi, Jo...

So, Karen's finally started her project, has she? Yeah.

How much of it has she done?

Oh, you know, quite a bit.

She, er...wrote the word, "Africa".

Oh, here we go. Everybody does it.

I mean, Helena's mum obviously did her clouded leopard project for her.

I mean, Helena can barely hold a pencil, let alone construct a scale model of the Karakoram mountains.

So, was that Jo?

Mmm. Mmm.

You're friends, then? That's good.

Why wouldn't we be?

No reason. No...

So what did she want? She just wanted me to say that she was round here if her Dad rings.

Well, where is she?

Did you not ask?

And sound like I want to know? Duh.

But you know you shouldn't lie. If I know it, then there's no need for you to tell me.

Well, how do we play that one?

Do we phone her Dad or...

Oh, God knows.

Oh, this is a complicated age, isn't it?

I know I'm programmed to...to... kiss sore knees and push swings.

I feel like I need retraining.

Are you sure you're OK?

At the hospital, they wrote down everything Ben had told them.

Including the fact that I wanted to shoot your boss because he fancies you.

Well, I haven't spoken to him about Tyson.

Where's he getting it from? He's picked up on your jealousy.

Or maybe he's picked up on the fact that you... I like Tyson, yes, I've said that.

But he thinks that you want to shoot him.

So, who's he getting the weird signal from? I...

There's no weird... Why are you talking about Tyson again? Again?

Don't you know what "again" means? It means, "like the time before".

You're always talking about him.

See? Especially you.

How can you not like somebody you've never met? Good point, Karen.

Yes, you should only hate people you know. Ye... Oh.

Like Miss Braebrook.

But you love Miss Braebrook.

She's the reason you're Christian.

Not any more. That's all rubbish. I think "rubbish" is a bit harsh.

I don't believe in God any more. I'm a Satanist.

I think...I think you mean... That's an atheist. Satanists...

do things to goats. I don't care. It's not good to be a Christian.

You have to pray, then you have to get up,

have some milk, sleep for three hours... There isn't anything about drinking milk, is there?

There is something about drinking milk!

I've been a Christian.

Yeah, but you can't... The thing is, you can't just describe things as rubbish.

You have to treat everybody's views, whatever they believe, with respect.

What, even idiots?

Well... Even people who want to stab you in the eye with a pencil?

Even people who want to blow up... Come on now, look, you should be in bed. Off you go. Off you go!

Something's obviously happened with Miss Braebrook. Perhaps...

NEIGHBOURS SHOUTING

Oh, God, they're off again.

MAN: OK, I did sleep with them, but it didn't mean anything.

"OK, I did sleep with them, but it didn't mean anything"?

Oh, dear, if that's the best he can do, we're in for a long night.

NEIGHBOURS SHOUTING

THUNDER RUMBLES

I can't sleep!

They're making too much noise again next door.

Well, put a pillow on your head.

Actually, no! Don't...don't do that.

I'll put a pillow over his head.

Thank you, Jake. Now everybody, go to sleep.

I did turn the telly off, didn't I?

I think I did. I thought I did.

Oh, yeah, well, one of us must have.

No... I'll check, it's no good.

Karen, it's half past 11.

What are you doing?

Writing a letter. Who to? Gordon Brown.

Can I have a look?

All right.

Well, that's not very nice, what you say about Miss Braebrook.

Well, she shouted at me, for talking when it wasn't even me that was talking,

it was Maisie that was talking.

So I wrote her a note.

Was that note at all like this note?

With the observations about her...weight?

Erm...yes.

But...she ignored it, which is very rude,

so I'm writing a letter to Gordon Brown to tell him to fire her and put her in jail.

CONTINUED SHOUTING

Ben, eavesdropping is wrong,

come on, we've spoken about it, come on. But you eavesdrop on I'm A Celebrity!

That's because it's on telly. You're allowed to eavesdrop people when they're being filmed by a camera.

He was being filmed.

What? She filmed him with a camera, secretly. I heard him shout it just now.

none of our business. Come on.

The thing is, Karen, I think Miss Braebrook made an honest mistake,

and anyone can make an honest mistake, can't they?

Yes. But then they need to be punished.

Punished? Yes.

You can't go round punishing people, that's revenge, isn't it?

Yes, but I made an honest mistake pushing Ben down the stairs and you punished me.

I'm not sure that was an honest mistake, Karen.

Was it? Yes, it was.

An honest mistake.

That's just revenge, Karen. Revenge isn't a good thing.

It is a quite good thing cos they know never to do it again.

What's a slapper?

A...erm...

Oh, we're going to have to visit that one in the morning.

But what is one?

We'll talk about it, if you remind me in the morning. Is it like a happy slapper?

Er...

yeah, that's it. Night-night.

SHOUTING STOPS

See? All the shouting's stopped.

Lightweights.

Loud, no stamina.

Yeah, but we certainly shouldn't keep lists of people who've upset us...

Have you been looking at my lists?

No, I heard about them.

SHE SIGHS

Who's on that, then?

People like Ben, and Mummy...

and Jake.

What have they done?

And Granddad. That's going to upset him, isn't it?

Yes.

No, that is wrong, Karen. You shouldn't keep a list of people to punish,

and you shouldn't take revenge on people, because that is a bad thing.

What are you doing?

Writing.

"Daddy"? Yes.

Well, why have you put my name down there?

No reason.

Just to practice spelling it.

PHONE RINGS

THUNDER RUMBLES

Hello?

Oh, hi, yeah...erm...

No, hang on, she's...she's here. I'll just hand you over.

Is it about Dad?

No, it's Rosie, from work? Mmm.

Hello. Come on, you.

Come on, up you go. All right then.

And what are you doing down here?

This is getting like Piccadilly Circus. You are meant to be asleep.

Asleep? Just go upstairs.

You've got to be joking. What's wrong with this family?

You probably need a psychiatrist on that one. Will you...?

TELEVISION STARTS No, no, no. Come on, up you go.

What's the point? I'll get no sleep. And I've got double Maths tomorrow.

I have an important meeting with the headmaster, so...

And the phone never stops ringing.

Yes, well, at least Jo's dad didn't phone up, you know, checking up on her alibi, did he?

Jake?

Well, her Dad phoned me on my mobile...

a while back.

Yeah, but you didn't tell him that she was... Look, don't worry.

She's home safe and sound now.

So, no problem, is there?

If you were friends, she wouldn't use you like that. Dad, she's not bloody using me!

Look, Jake, when I was young, there was a girl that I really, really liked and she...

When you explain something to me, you tell a story of your childhood,

which is incomprehensible crap.

Just...Jake!

THUNDER CRASHES

You won't bloody believe what Jake's gone and done!

Are you all right?

Well...

No, not really.

You know Rosie from work?

She went back to the office.

The landlord was there, changing the locks.

Apparently, Tyson's done a runner.

He's left tons of unpaid bills.

He, he goes round, he sets up fake businesses,

and then he rips people off for as much as he possibly can and then he buggers off.

HE SIGHS

I'm sorry. I feel so stupid.

Look...

you had no way of knowing.

No, I suppose not.

But you did.

Sorry?

Well, you kept looking him up on the internet.

Well, yeah, as I...as I...

What else did you find out?

Well, nothing, you know...

What else?

He was once investigated by a consumer watchdog programme,

but he was never prosecuted.

Why didn't you warn me?

If I had, you'd have accused me of being jealous.

Don't be ridiculous!

Ridiculous? You would have!

I just decided I would stand back, and let you...

Let me fall flat on my face, so you could have a bloody good gloat.

I'm not gloating. Yes, you are!

There's a little voice inside your head going, "Woo-hoo! I was right!"

Pete, you should have warned me!

If you recall, I think I did say that he was probably too good to be true,

but no, you decided to ignore that,

because you want to listen to the little magic antennae that only women have.

You pompous, supercilious twat! I'm not pompous!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi, sweetheart.

It's thundering. I know.

Can I go out in it?

No. Not at this time of night, no.

I'll put my wellies on... and my mac if you like.

Please! It's my favourite thing.

Ben, you can't go outside into a thunderstorm

in the middle of the night. Why?

Because thousands of years of experience have taught mankind

it's not a good idea to run around outside in thunderstorms.

But lightning never strikes twice.

It hasn't struck once!

We've been through this, Ben - that wasn't lightning, that was the mains.

You pushed the toasting fork into the socket. Now, come on.

Up you go, bedtime. Up you go.

Where were we?

Magic antennae. Oh, yeah.

You sanctimonious...

THUNDER CRASHES, CAR ALARM

Those stupid tossers with their bloody stupid car alarms that only go off...

That's ours, isn't it?

HE GROANS IRRITABLY

Brilliant, how come he gets to go out and play in it?

Ben, go to sleep.

CAR ALARM STOPS

CREAKING

NEIGHBOURS SHOUT

Mmm.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, I don't believe it.

Twenty past three.

I haven't slept a wink. Well, neither have I.

OK, it's not a competition. I didn't say it was.

But I've an important meeting with the head in the morning.

I have important things to do too. You haven't got any work to go to.

Oh, that is...

MAN: Bloody bitch, shut up!

CRASHING

Bloody hell, what was that?

I don't know.

We can't just do nothing.

What if they're asleep?

Asleep! After all that?

It would be better if it was you.

Yeah, but what if he comes to the door?

Then it'd be better if it's you, because then you can talk to him, man to man.

Oh, right, "Hi, Martin, how's the wife beating going?"

Shhh!

Do you know, statistically, men are more likely to be confrontational with other men, so it would be...

Please!

HE RINGS DOORBELL

That's why they use women bouncers in a lot of clubs now because...

Hi, Barbara.

I'm so sorry, Pete.

We've kept you up with our caterwauling, haven't we?

No, we were just wondering, is everything OK?

Absolutely.

Oh, look, these came over the fence.

I think they're Karen's.

Yes, Ben's rigged up a big...

Barbara, you...

you seem to have a bit of a scratch on your hand.

Oh, Pete, you're not seriously going to make me explain that, are you?

Barbara, shall we call the police?

God, no, Sue!

We're working things out! Just a little noisily, that's all.

Sorry, I've got to go.

I've got some brownies in the oven.

There's definitely something going on next door.

I'd ring the police, but I just don't trust myself any more.

If I can't see through a lying bastard like Tyson...

Come on, don't be so hard on yourself.

He was obviously a very good con man.

Yeah, he was charming, he was funny, he was...

exciting to be with.

HE SIGHS

You don't get excitement at home any more.

Eh? Where's this coming from?

Come on, be honest. Do you get excited when I walk through the door?

Well, I'm usually...

draining sprouts or...

Pete, come on, it's got to be different after 17 years.

Not this different. You know, before kids, we used to bunk off.

We used to... have sex in the middle of the day.

Yeah...sometimes with each other.

No, seriously, where has the excitement gone?

There's still excitement. How much?

What?

What percentage is there, of the original excitement that was there when we first met?

You don't want me to put a figure on that, do you?

Yeah. Really. Please.

35%.

It's less than that, isn't it? Well...

No, you upped it to make me feel better and you still only got 35%!

It is a well known fact that you lose 10% of excitement per decade, plus 15% with every child, so...

that's the way it is.

That's a tapir.

Oh?

You're sticking a tapir into Karen's rhino project.

Oh, sod it. I'll draw a horn on it.

SHE SIGHS

I am so tired.

Oh, come on, let's see if we can get a bit of sleep. Yeah.

BEEPING

What's that noise?

Our alarm clock.

Ooof, you can see why they call it the Dangerous Book For Boys! Eh?

Karen's just whacked Ben with it.

So, how do I look?

You look like someone who is about to become the new head of History.

Yeah. Let's hope all that arse-licking and falsifying of statistics pays off, eh?

Now, you're clear on the sort of things you should say to the head?

Uh..."syllabus synchronicity",

"child-centred excellence".

"360 degree education".

Yeah, I'm not sure 360 degrees is enough.

I was thinking of going for 420 degrees.

That's exactly the sort of thing... I know, I know.

No attempt at humour.

Episode One, The Phantom Menace.

Beginning.

HE IMITATES FIGHTING

Obi-Wan Kenobi has to...fight...a...gigantic,

nine-tailed, scythe-tailed grasshopper.

Haaa!

And so, Teddy, now we're going to give you the tummy you've always wanted.

Start the operation.

You may feel a little bit of pain,

but only a bit, because we're going to take all your fat out,

and put it in a bowl, in case anybody else wants to get fat,

then we can put the fat in them. Now...

So, Mum has no job,

so, financially, Dad, we need you not to muck this one up, don't we?

So no pressure, then.

Any calls from Jo this morning?

Yeah. She asked me to cover for her tonight.

Oh, brilliant.

And you said...? No.

You said no? I told her to get Billy to do it.

Right, but basically, you put your foot down.

Hey, well done, Jakester, mate.

Thanks, Fart Face.

Don't call me Fart Face. Well, don't call me "Jakester, mate", then.

Fart Face.

HE IMITATES FIGHTING

He chops off my hand. Ow!

HE IMITATES FIGHTING

And now...

HE PANTS

Episode Two.

Right. Come on, Karen, you have to put your name on this project.

Can't you do that?

No. You have to. It's your work. You... Karen, your, you have...

OK.

Whaaa!

He's not the kind of boy we want in this school.

He's got Oppositional Defiance Disorder. And a pit bull.

Sorry, Peter.

Now, you know Amelia,

our head of governors - she very much wanted to meet you. Hello.

The car alarm goes off every time it rains, and I live in England, so...

No, don't put me on hold...

DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs Brockman?

This is about Tyson, isn't it?

So, if our aspiration is 360 degree education,

it's important to understand the past as well as the present.

And we must never forget the future. Absolutely.

Mark tells me you're responsible for this draft prospectus. Yes, I am, yeah.

"Our 93% exam pass rate across the whole school".

How did you come up with this figure?

Well...

93% of our students, er... have achieved

an exam pass of some sort,

or its equivalent...

at some point.

But I notice Year Nine's results aren't included.

No, erm... Well, we thought that, er...

Year Nine was a bit of an anomaly.

An anomaly? Well, that's one word for it.

This whole prospectus is full of exaggeration, falsification and downright lying.

You said, "Be flexible with the figures so as to achieve a positive outcome."

Within the parameters of complete transparency.

No, you didn't say that... Anyway, this will be redrafted, Amelia.

But obviously, the buck stops with me, and needless to say, as senior education provider here,

I accept full and complete responsibility... for Peter's incompetence.

Hi. I'm back.

In the middle of the afternoon, like the mad exciting bastard I really am.

Mr Brockman?

I'm Police Constable Smith.

I'm investigating a case of domestic assault.

Domestic assa..?

Oh, for God's sake. Look, this is ridiculous!

He likes to be swung around by his ankles, only on this occasion,

I inadvertently happened to smash his head against...

No, no, no, no, no, Pete, no.

It's the assault next door.

Oh, yes...erm, er, of course.

Well, we did wonder, didn't we, whether we should...call the police?

Is she badly hurt? She's fine.

But he's in hospital. Cracked skull.

She decked him with a frying pan. A frying pan?

Sounds a bit Tom and Jerry, but it's common, I'm afraid.

Never used to be that serious, but now everyone round here seems to have Le Creuset, so...

Here are our numbers, anyway. Oh, thanks.

You might be contacted, I'm not sure.

Erm, who was this who got his head smashed against, er...?

Oh, that was my son. He was fine.

It happens all the time.

Right.

"It happens all the time"?

I'm sorry. I haven't slept.

So, are you the new head of History?

Or still stuck in the same job?

Possibly neither, but look, I really don't want to talk about it.

I've bunked off.

I am rolling back the years to the time when we used to go to bed in the middle of the afternoon.

So let's go to bed.

You...you do just mean sleeping, don't you?

Oh, God, yeah.

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