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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,441
I don't care, Karen,
you shouldn't have done it.
2
00:00:04,252 --> 00:00:05,812
Well, Ben did it first!
3
00:00:06,536 --> 00:00:09,745
Well, if Ben stuck his head
in the oven, would you do that?
4
00:00:09,696 --> 00:00:12,880
No, because if Ben's head
would be in the oven
5
00:00:12,915 --> 00:00:14,572
there wouldn't be
room for mine.
6
00:00:14,572 --> 00:00:16,652
Karen.
7
00:00:16,652 --> 00:00:20,251
I couldn't possibly get my head in
the oven without cutting my head off.
8
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:23,372
And then I'd be dead,
so I couldn't close the door.
9
00:00:23,372 --> 00:00:25,531
Do you think you could
stop being so cheeky?
10
00:00:25,531 --> 00:00:28,972
Do you think you could stop asking
stupid questions?
11
00:00:28,972 --> 00:00:33,812
Do you...
Pete, can you... talk to her.
12
00:00:33,812 --> 00:00:36,452
Why me? Because she listens to you.
13
00:00:36,452 --> 00:00:39,451
No she doesn't. She does.
14
00:00:39,451 --> 00:00:42,172
All right. Karen...
15
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,972
don't talk back to your mother.
16
00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:48,371
There, see...
17
00:00:48,371 --> 00:00:50,812
Well, you didn't try very...
CRASH FROM UPSTAIRS
18
00:00:50,812 --> 00:00:53,492
Ben?! What have you broken?
19
00:00:53,492 --> 00:00:56,852
Karen did it.
Karen's down here!
20
00:00:56,852 --> 00:00:58,972
Well, she did it earlier...
21
00:00:58,972 --> 00:01:01,732
and, it's only just dropped off.
22
00:01:01,732 --> 00:01:06,572
Oh, for God... If I get up
there and find a huge mess
23
00:01:06,572 --> 00:01:09,371
when we're all trying to get out
of the house... This is crap.
24
00:01:10,972 --> 00:01:12,571
So's that.
25
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,492
And that really is crap!
26
00:01:16,492 --> 00:01:18,371
Good God Almighty!
27
00:01:18,371 --> 00:01:19,971
What's that woman doing?
28
00:01:19,971 --> 00:01:23,852
Why... why is she starring at the
contents of that bloke's toilet?
29
00:01:23,852 --> 00:01:26,172
That's Dr. Gillian McKeith, Grandad.
Eh?
30
00:01:26,172 --> 00:01:28,931
That's what she does.
She looks down people's toilets.
31
00:01:28,931 --> 00:01:32,492
Oh, yeah, we had a bloke
like that in the Army.
32
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:37,372
Well, the good news is
he's developing a real passion for medieval history.
33
00:01:37,372 --> 00:01:42,251
And the bad news is he's made a
trebuchet, with which he is launching tennis balls at the lamp.
34
00:01:42,251 --> 00:01:44,611
Impressive. You're look smart.
35
00:01:44,611 --> 00:01:46,811
I've got a bad feeling
about this interview.
36
00:01:46,811 --> 00:01:49,091
I just don't think
I'm his kind of person.
37
00:01:49,091 --> 00:01:52,771
Well, Tyson says that you can be any
kind of person that you want to be.
38
00:01:52,771 --> 00:01:54,451
Tyson's an idiot.
39
00:01:54,451 --> 00:01:59,811
Well, he's the best boss I ever had,
and I think what he's trying to say is that it's all about self-belief...
40
00:01:59,811 --> 00:02:02,172
I mean mentally, I just
don't think I'm ready...
41
00:02:02,172 --> 00:02:05,692
Well, OK, come on, let's have a
quick rehearsal. I'll be the erm...
42
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,491
the Headmaster, and you be you.
43
00:02:07,491 --> 00:02:09,212
Come on.
44
00:02:10,211 --> 00:02:12,371
Ah Pete, come in, sit down.
45
00:02:13,531 --> 00:02:16,172
Not there. There. What are you doing?
46
00:02:16,172 --> 00:02:18,572
Just getting into it. Oh, for f...
47
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:26,252
Now Peter, give me 3 good reasons why
I should appoint you as our new Head of History? OK...
48
00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:32,051
One, I want the chance to create
the next generation of winners.
49
00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:35,812
Good, very good...
total bollocks, but it's very good.
50
00:02:35,812 --> 00:02:41,411
Number two,
I have passion for my subject, and three, I am very ambitious.
51
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,372
That's good. Just one tip though.
52
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:46,012
Don't lean back
away from him when you say it,
53
00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:50,212
because it looks a bit negative,
I read it in that body language book.
54
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,771
Don't believe everything you read
in the toilet.
55
00:02:52,771 --> 00:02:56,771
I wish people would scrape their
plates before they put them in the dishwasher.
56
00:02:56,771 --> 00:03:01,172
Cos it's this stuff that means that
I have to call out Mick the plumber,
57
00:03:01,172 --> 00:03:05,612
and listen to him banging on
about his villa in Umbria,
58
00:03:05,612 --> 00:03:08,131
and it's bloody olive grove.
59
00:03:08,451 --> 00:03:11,092
Sue, you've got a dollop of, er...
60
00:03:11,092 --> 00:03:12,532
CAR ALARM WAILS
61
00:03:12,532 --> 00:03:17,651
Not again, that bloody alarm... a
leaf's probably landed on the bonnet.
62
00:03:20,332 --> 00:03:22,851
Bollocks! Bollocks!
63
00:03:22,851 --> 00:03:25,172
Bollocking Bollocks!
64
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,211
ALARM STOPS
65
00:03:26,211 --> 00:03:28,732
Hi, Sue. Hello, Sue. Hello, Sue.
66
00:03:28,732 --> 00:03:30,251
Hi, Barbara.
67
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,771
Hi, kids.
68
00:03:37,012 --> 00:03:39,731
How's things?
Good! All biked up I see.
69
00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:44,771
Yeah, Martin and I just decided it
was time to stop copping out and taking them to school in the car.
70
00:03:44,771 --> 00:03:47,932
So it's "on yer bikes". Yeah,
we're going to start doing that.
71
00:03:47,932 --> 00:03:49,652
Really? Great!
72
00:03:49,652 --> 00:03:54,371
Yeah we're... We just have to get
Ben's bike out of the pond.
73
00:03:54,371 --> 00:03:59,291
Here's a good fact for you.
Did you know ants can survive in a microwave?
74
00:03:59,291 --> 00:04:05,291
Right? Because the waves are big and
ants are small,
75
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:07,412
so the waves go over the ants,
76
00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:10,972
and that means
ants can survive in a microwave.
77
00:04:10,972 --> 00:04:12,771
Really?
78
00:04:12,771 --> 00:04:16,732
Yeah, but woodlice can't.
79
00:04:16,732 --> 00:04:19,691
Nice...
80
00:04:19,691 --> 00:04:21,772
Oh, my God!
81
00:04:21,772 --> 00:04:24,652
Ben! It's science!
82
00:04:24,652 --> 00:04:28,012
It is not science, it is...
83
00:04:28,012 --> 00:04:31,372
roasting insects! Ben, come here.
84
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,651
ARGUING ON TV
85
00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:37,331
I am having my daughter's
boyfriend's baby.
86
00:04:37,331 --> 00:04:38,411
Ben!...
87
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:43,052
No more experiments with
the microwave. Fine.
88
00:04:43,052 --> 00:04:47,252
Are you going to watch me play
football this afternoon at school?
89
00:04:47,252 --> 00:04:50,332
As long as you don't embarrass
me with all that diving again.
90
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:53,012
It has been a while since
you picked me up from school.
91
00:04:53,012 --> 00:04:56,692
Yeah, well, for a while it
hasn't really been advisable.
92
00:04:56,692 --> 00:05:00,571
Why? Because all the kids at your
school are scared of me,
93
00:05:00,571 --> 00:05:04,652
and we both know why that is,
don't we. Do we?
94
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:06,011
Ben,
95
00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:09,011
you told them
that I'd killed a man.
96
00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:10,691
Oh, yeah, sorry...
97
00:05:10,691 --> 00:05:13,211
But that wasn't my fault.
Well, that's not...
98
00:05:13,211 --> 00:05:18,491
That's cos Ross was boasting
about his Dad, cos he says his Dad is a champion at archery,
99
00:05:18,491 --> 00:05:23,131
and his Dad eats really, really,
really, really hot curries so I said
100
00:05:23,131 --> 00:05:27,731
that you'd strangled a man with your
bare hands and that shut him up.
101
00:05:27,731 --> 00:05:30,811
Why would you?
But it's all right now because
102
00:05:30,811 --> 00:05:35,252
Mrs Pearson got up in Assembly
and explained that you weren't a murderer.
103
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,331
You must have been very proud.
104
00:05:37,331 --> 00:05:39,812
Have you really never killed anyone?
105
00:05:39,812 --> 00:05:41,452
Not yet...
106
00:05:41,452 --> 00:05:46,171
And it'll be good practice for the
sponsored cycle for Bangladesh, that we're all doing.
107
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:47,932
What a great idea.
108
00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:51,532
Have a lovely day!
Yeah, will do. Bye! Bye!
109
00:05:51,532 --> 00:05:53,132
CHILDREN: Bye Sue!
110
00:05:54,691 --> 00:05:58,052
Right... Was that Barbara?
Yes, sweetheart.
111
00:05:58,052 --> 00:06:01,411
I like Barbara. Do you, that's nice.
112
00:06:01,411 --> 00:06:03,092
Everybody likes Barbara.
113
00:06:03,092 --> 00:06:07,532
She's lovely, always lovely
and calm. Yeah, lovely and calm.
114
00:06:07,532 --> 00:06:13,931
And I think she's a bit like
a princess because she's so pretty and her hair's always perfect.
115
00:06:13,931 --> 00:06:18,892
Permanently perfect! Why are
there never any pens in this house?
116
00:06:18,892 --> 00:06:20,531
You've got some jam on your head.
117
00:06:20,531 --> 00:06:23,491
What? Jam... On your head.
118
00:06:23,491 --> 00:06:25,372
Oh, no!
119
00:06:25,372 --> 00:06:28,852
Karen, go and get your shoes on.
120
00:06:32,051 --> 00:06:33,731
All right, Jakester? Yeah.
121
00:06:33,731 --> 00:06:38,491
Are you all right? Yeah, I was
just, er checking some e-mails,
122
00:06:38,491 --> 00:06:40,172
see whether any needed action.
123
00:06:40,172 --> 00:06:43,132
So you weren't checking up
on Mum's new boss again, then?
124
00:06:43,132 --> 00:06:47,411
Yeah, well it was just
a misunderstanding, I, er, I was...
125
00:06:47,411 --> 00:06:53,492
you know, researching some unrelated
topics on the computer and I just...
126
00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:57,371
happened to stumble across some
stuff about Tyson, that's all.
127
00:06:57,371 --> 00:06:59,891
Yeah, do you want
another go at that?
128
00:06:59,891 --> 00:07:03,731
Look... You might have
told me I had jam on my head.
129
00:07:03,731 --> 00:07:09,211
Well, I did... I've just spent
the last couple of minutes talking to Barbara, looking like a...
130
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,092
Victoria sponge.
131
00:07:11,092 --> 00:07:12,611
Did Barbara point it out then?
132
00:07:12,611 --> 00:07:14,692
No, she'd be too nice to do that.
133
00:07:14,692 --> 00:07:16,732
Yes, Barbara's far too nice...
134
00:07:16,732 --> 00:07:21,371
Why do none of the pens in this
house ever write?
135
00:07:21,371 --> 00:07:24,131
OK, I'm outta here.
136
00:07:24,131 --> 00:07:27,532
We're all going to be out for a
bit, so I need to write Dad a note.
137
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:32,372
I need to remind him not to
get involved with any strangers coming to the door selling things.
138
00:07:32,372 --> 00:07:35,252
God knows what I'm going to do
with 13 pairs of oven gloves.
139
00:07:35,252 --> 00:07:38,731
Look, Sue, about your dad...
140
00:07:38,731 --> 00:07:42,172
I know, I know, we're going
to have to make a decision.
141
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:43,852
It's just...
142
00:07:43,852 --> 00:07:47,452
checking out those nursing homes...
143
00:07:47,452 --> 00:07:53,212
I mean, he's still pretty lively,
isn't he, he could stay with us for a while yet, couldn't he?
144
00:07:53,212 --> 00:07:57,491
Well... I mean, our Grandad lived
with us when we were little...
145
00:07:57,491 --> 00:08:01,372
he had the same thing, they just
didn't have a name for it then...
146
00:08:01,372 --> 00:08:03,692
but we managed...
147
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:07,052
I dunno,
this is really starting to get to me.
148
00:08:09,011 --> 00:08:11,051
I just feel so guilty.
149
00:08:11,051 --> 00:08:12,172
About what?
150
00:08:12,172 --> 00:08:15,011
Oh... nothing, darling.
151
00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:17,932
It's about the jam on your forehead,
isn't it?
152
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:21,131
No. Come on, get your shoes on
and let's get ready to go to school.
153
00:08:23,291 --> 00:08:25,451
I never hear her coming.
154
00:08:25,451 --> 00:08:29,051
No, neither do I.
155
00:08:29,651 --> 00:08:33,691
'22 people are
receiving hospital treatment...' DOOR SLAMS
156
00:08:33,691 --> 00:08:35,171
It's me! Good day? Fine.
157
00:08:35,171 --> 00:08:38,092
'It's not thought that any of
the injuries are serious.'
158
00:08:38,092 --> 00:08:40,372
You all right? This is terrible.
159
00:08:40,372 --> 00:08:42,491
What is?
160
00:08:42,491 --> 00:08:44,372
There's been three train crashes.
161
00:08:44,372 --> 00:08:45,971
All of them in Kent.
162
00:08:47,572 --> 00:08:49,372
No, Grandad, that's rolling news.
163
00:08:49,372 --> 00:08:54,092
Eh? News 24. It's when they show the
same stories over and over again.
164
00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:59,171
So there's really only been one
train crash in Kent, but you've seen it three times.
165
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,891
Oh...oh.
166
00:09:02,891 --> 00:09:06,172
I thought it was
a bit of a coincidence.
167
00:09:06,172 --> 00:09:10,412
When's Daddy going to be home?
Cos I want to show him my picture.
168
00:09:10,412 --> 00:09:12,292
Oh, that's nice. What is it?
169
00:09:12,292 --> 00:09:17,891
This is Satan, and this is Jesus,
and this is a zebra.
170
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:22,931
And this is Satan trying to persuade
Jesus to jump off the end...
171
00:09:25,051 --> 00:09:27,332
Well, that's lovely.
172
00:09:28,931 --> 00:09:31,892
Who told you that story?
Miss Braebrook.
173
00:09:31,892 --> 00:09:38,252
And she says that
Satan's everywhere. Not just in hell hurting people.
174
00:09:38,252 --> 00:09:42,051
And Miss Braebrook
teaches you RE, does she?
175
00:09:42,051 --> 00:09:44,212
No, numeracy.
176
00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:53,251
Well, er...
McDonalds might be a viable sponsor
177
00:09:53,251 --> 00:09:56,932
for our metal detector and um...
178
00:09:56,932 --> 00:09:59,331
yeah, and in design terms, they...
179
00:09:59,331 --> 00:10:01,972
they could maybe echo
the golden arches.
180
00:10:01,972 --> 00:10:03,772
Yeah.
181
00:10:03,772 --> 00:10:07,252
Yes, absolutely. OK, yeah bye.
182
00:10:07,252 --> 00:10:09,611
Bye. Peter.
183
00:10:09,611 --> 00:10:13,492
Let me say first that I was very
pleasantly surprised that you're
184
00:10:13,492 --> 00:10:16,052
putting yourself forward for
this post,
185
00:10:16,052 --> 00:10:21,131
...because, to be perfectly up-front
with you, I wasn't sure if you had enough self-belief to do this.
186
00:10:23,572 --> 00:10:28,252
I actually have
quite high levels of self-belief.
187
00:10:29,812 --> 00:10:32,852
Good, that's good.
188
00:10:32,852 --> 00:10:37,372
Now, the last couple of years
have been a bit of a learning curve for you, haven't they?
189
00:10:37,372 --> 00:10:41,012
We've talked about the dangers
of using irony with parents,
190
00:10:41,012 --> 00:10:44,492
especially
when they are making a complaint.
191
00:10:44,492 --> 00:10:47,492
And work for the Daily Mail...
192
00:10:49,091 --> 00:10:53,452
but that's all in the past,
and the past is the past.
193
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:59,932
So now, Peter, I want you to
give me nine good reasons why you should get this job.
194
00:11:01,451 --> 00:11:02,932
Nine?
195
00:11:02,932 --> 00:11:04,571
Yup, off you go, champ.
196
00:11:06,452 --> 00:11:09,332
That's just Miss Braebrook's opinion.
197
00:11:09,332 --> 00:11:11,972
It doesn't necessarily
mean she's right.
198
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:15,731
Are you calling Miss Brabrook
a liar?
199
00:11:15,731 --> 00:11:21,652
I'm just thinking, even most
Christians probably don't believe in a hell where people get hurt.
200
00:11:21,652 --> 00:11:25,492
They're the sort of people that will
be going to hell, that's what
201
00:11:25,492 --> 00:11:28,611
Miss Braebrook says.
I think you'll find Satan's not real.
202
00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:30,652
But, then if he wasn't alive
203
00:11:30,652 --> 00:11:33,932
then how would people know how
to draw him?
204
00:11:33,932 --> 00:11:37,492
No-one's ever seen Satan. I've
never seen Satan. He doesn't exist.
205
00:11:37,492 --> 00:11:41,411
Miss Braebrook has. She said that
when she was just getting ready
206
00:11:41,411 --> 00:11:45,611
for bed, and she took her tablets
and everything,
207
00:11:45,611 --> 00:11:49,132
Satan appeared, and he was...
208
00:11:49,132 --> 00:11:51,931
he was sitting on her...
on her wardrobe,
209
00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:54,052
looking down at her, and...
210
00:11:54,052 --> 00:11:58,612
Do you think that you could
point Miss Braebrook out to me in the playground tomorrow?
211
00:12:00,212 --> 00:12:01,891
And, nine...
212
00:12:03,491 --> 00:12:07,051
I have worked at this school
for quite a while now...
213
00:12:08,731 --> 00:12:12,131
so I know where everything is.
214
00:12:14,732 --> 00:12:17,812
OK...
215
00:12:17,812 --> 00:12:19,732
OK, thank you for that.
216
00:12:19,732 --> 00:12:24,692
Now, Peter, let me tell you what
I'm looking for - commitment.
217
00:12:24,692 --> 00:12:29,171
Your commitment to our raft of
rolling initiatives going forward...
218
00:12:29,171 --> 00:12:32,652
Good, good.
219
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:38,452
Well, in that case, you see, I've
been busy evolving the new school prospectus,
220
00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:44,291
and I had asked Mr Bentley to
process the statistics for me,
221
00:12:44,291 --> 00:12:49,372
but I'm not sure he's presented the
figures in the most positive, er... formulation,
222
00:12:49,372 --> 00:12:55,412
so I was wondering whether you would
like to have a crack at it for me,
223
00:12:55,412 --> 00:12:59,811
as a way of demonstrating your
commitment.
224
00:13:01,772 --> 00:13:06,812
Eh, what exactly wasn't positive
enough about Mr Bentley's formulation?
225
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:11,852
Well, eh...
oh, it's just a little thing but,
226
00:13:11,852 --> 00:13:14,291
for instance, in the exam results
section,
227
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:19,612
I'm not sure there's any
point factoring in Year 9.
228
00:13:19,612 --> 00:13:23,651
I think we're all aware that that
particular year is something of a...
229
00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:26,612
an anomaly.
230
00:13:26,612 --> 00:13:31,291
An anomaly? Yeah, and actually when
you come to go through it all in
231
00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:36,812
detail you may well find there are a
few anomalies that could do with...
232
00:13:36,812 --> 00:13:38,771
ironing out.
233
00:13:40,771 --> 00:13:42,251
Right.
234
00:13:45,772 --> 00:13:48,412
Karen! What are you doing?
235
00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:50,572
I'm having a wee.
236
00:13:50,572 --> 00:13:55,892
Can you try not to pee like
a boy again, please! Mum. Yes.
237
00:13:55,892 --> 00:13:59,212
Grandad's memory's just going
to keep getting worse, isn't it?
238
00:13:59,212 --> 00:14:01,972
I'm afraid so, yeah.
239
00:14:03,611 --> 00:14:07,571
Do you think he'll get to a stage
when he won't be able to remember who we are?
240
00:14:10,571 --> 00:14:15,251
Nah... He'll always remember us...
241
00:14:15,251 --> 00:14:17,531
Who could forget us?
242
00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:23,372
OK, put your dirty things
in the laundry.
243
00:14:23,372 --> 00:14:26,012
I'm not listening to a word you say!
244
00:14:27,407 --> 00:14:31,406
Hello...
Can I write my Christmas list?
245
00:14:31,406 --> 00:14:36,206
Well... Yeah, I suppose so but,
y'know, I've been thinking
246
00:14:36,206 --> 00:14:41,966
it might be a good idea not
to ask Father Christmas for quite so many presents as last year.
247
00:14:41,966 --> 00:14:44,006
Cos it's heavy for the reindeer.
248
00:14:44,006 --> 00:14:45,767
Well, then how many can I have?
249
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:48,086
Oh, I dunno... Four?
250
00:14:48,086 --> 00:14:52,807
Four?! Well, you know,
baby Jesus only got four, didn't he?
251
00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:56,447
The gold, the frankincense,
the myrrh and the little lamb...
252
00:14:56,447 --> 00:14:59,207
Then can I have a little lamb?
253
00:14:59,207 --> 00:15:03,727
Do you know, Santa
doesn't deliver livestock.
254
00:15:03,727 --> 00:15:07,726
They tend to panic in the chimneys.
We've still got money trouble then?
255
00:15:07,726 --> 00:15:11,966
with Santa bringing me my presents?
256
00:15:11,966 --> 00:15:17,606
Yes, Jake, how could that have
anything to do with Father Christmas
257
00:15:17,606 --> 00:15:21,007
and the presents HE brings.
258
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,246
Get a grip, mate.
259
00:15:23,246 --> 00:15:25,967
Hiya! Good day?
260
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:29,206
No... I'm shattered.
How was your interview?
261
00:15:29,206 --> 00:15:33,487
Well, I'm definitely in with a
chance, according to the Head. Because I am a team player!
262
00:15:33,487 --> 00:15:34,806
That's great, isn't it?
263
00:15:34,806 --> 00:15:36,367
How was work?
264
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:40,127
Oh, it was fun, yeah. Tyson took
us all out for a fancy lunch.
265
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:42,127
Spontaneously?
266
00:15:42,127 --> 00:15:44,327
Yeah.
267
00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:47,606
That's nice. What's that?
268
00:15:47,606 --> 00:15:50,646
That is a draft school prospectus.
269
00:15:50,646 --> 00:15:54,647
The Head's asked me to "reformulate"
bits of it. Well, why you?
270
00:15:54,647 --> 00:16:01,166
Because Alistair Campbell isn't
available and Goebbels is dead.
271
00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:03,406
Well, hang on...
272
00:16:03,406 --> 00:16:05,447
Oh, hi. How was your game?
273
00:16:07,727 --> 00:16:12,367
Are you OK? Ask him!
274
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:20,767
The referee didn't show, they asked
if a parent would volunteer and I stepped up to the plate.
275
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:25,727
And, well, the match wasn't
without it's controversial moments and to cut a long story short...
276
00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:29,087
He sent me off! Yes, I did.
277
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:32,246
That's right.
He sent off his own son!
278
00:16:32,246 --> 00:16:38,207
Well, I couldn't show him any
favouritism, that would have weakened my authority. Oh, Pete.
279
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:41,606
I'm sorry, Sue, but three times
I warned him about diving.
280
00:16:41,606 --> 00:16:46,567
The third time would have
made even Ronaldo blush. He left me no wriggle-room.
281
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:48,367
My mates all think you're an idiot.
282
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:52,166
Yes, I know that, they expressed
that opinion quite forcibly.
283
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:56,486
Mind you, they won't be doing that
again in a hurry. Why not?
284
00:16:56,486 --> 00:16:58,966
Because he sent them off too!
All of them!
285
00:16:58,966 --> 00:17:02,527
You sent off the whole team?
286
00:17:02,527 --> 00:17:06,527
You can't give in to mass dissent,
Sue. That is the start of the slippery slope.
287
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:09,326
It's nothing to do
with slippery slopes.
288
00:17:09,326 --> 00:17:13,646
You were in a bad mood since
the moment you arrived, you stupid pillock!
289
00:17:13,646 --> 00:17:16,967
You're stupid! Stupid pillock...
290
00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:20,726
Y'see? That is the kind of
thing I had to put up with.
291
00:17:22,326 --> 00:17:28,007
You sent off an entire team
of eight-year-olds.
292
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:31,687
They have to understand that
actions have consequences.
293
00:17:34,927 --> 00:17:36,806
I sent the goalie off twice.
294
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:39,367
What, little Ashley?
295
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:43,166
For foul language,
and then threatening behaviour.
296
00:17:43,166 --> 00:17:47,927
You see, they just copy what
they see their favourite star doing on television.
297
00:17:47,927 --> 00:17:51,326
I reckon Ashley is probably a
Joey Barton fan. Anyway, I...
298
00:17:51,326 --> 00:17:55,926
If anyone's going out, could they
get me a bottle of Mackeson's, only I think I need the iron.
299
00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:57,926
Yeah... OK, Frank.
300
00:17:57,926 --> 00:18:01,847
PHONE RINGS
301
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:05,366
Hello... Oh, hi, Ashley,
302
00:18:05,366 --> 00:18:07,847
Ben's upstairs shall I...
303
00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:09,326
Oh, OK...
304
00:18:11,126 --> 00:18:12,967
He wants to talk to you.
305
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:17,287
Hello, Ashley, have you
phoned to apologise?...
306
00:18:20,207 --> 00:18:25,286
No, that is where you are wrong
actually, Ashley. You can get two red cards in the same game.
307
00:18:25,286 --> 00:18:30,006
Pete! Well, then your dad knows the
rules about as well as you do. Pete!
308
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:33,487
Well, you may think I am
a rubbish referee. Ashley,
309
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,326
but I don't think you're much cop
as a goalkeeper. Pete!
310
00:18:36,326 --> 00:18:38,527
Am I?
311
00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:43,927
Well, for the record, Ashley,
I think you're a bit of a tosser as well. PETE! For..
312
00:18:43,927 --> 00:18:49,087
You cannot back down in the face
of that stuff, Sue, that's where Neville Chamberlain went wrong.
313
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,566
He's not Neville Chamberlain,
he's eight.
314
00:18:51,566 --> 00:18:54,847
He's not Chamberlain in that
analogy, he's Fascism. He's eight.
315
00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:58,327
You cannot let them get away with
it. He's eight. Ashley is Fascism.
316
00:18:58,327 --> 00:19:00,487
He's eight.
317
00:19:05,486 --> 00:19:07,207
Oh, hello.
318
00:19:07,207 --> 00:19:09,607
Is that Strictly Come Dancing?
319
00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:14,887
We, we would like to vote
for Anton and Kerry please...
320
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:19,646
again, yes, thank you very much,
thank you, Brucie.
321
00:19:19,646 --> 00:19:23,926
That was Brucie? Yeah,
he sends you his very best wishes.
322
00:19:23,926 --> 00:19:27,126
When you dialled it you didn't
press green I don't think.
323
00:19:27,126 --> 00:19:29,606
I did. No, you didn't.
I wouldn't have got Brucie.
324
00:19:29,606 --> 00:19:34,207
Don't put the saucepan in
the dishwasher, it won't fit. I bet I can make it fit.
325
00:19:34,927 --> 00:19:37,487
Can you just take it out
and wash it up nicely.
326
00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:39,847
I don't know why you're
making such a fuss.
327
00:19:39,847 --> 00:19:42,847
Barbara's children next door
have a washing-up rota.
328
00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:47,047
Yeah? Is that right?
And they do their own sewing.
329
00:19:47,047 --> 00:19:49,607
Yeah, OK, I don't think
comparisons are useful.
330
00:19:49,607 --> 00:19:51,886
How was this lunch of yours, then?
331
00:19:51,886 --> 00:19:55,807
Did Tyson take you in his sports
car? He's got a sports car, has he?
332
00:19:55,807 --> 00:19:57,887
It's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
333
00:19:57,887 --> 00:20:00,886
It's wicked, I've had a ride in it.
334
00:20:00,886 --> 00:20:07,526
Well, Tyson took him for a spin
around the block when he dropped that stuff off the other day. I see.
335
00:20:07,526 --> 00:20:13,886
Doesn't sound very safe does it,
our son being whizzed around in a sports car,
336
00:20:13,886 --> 00:20:15,487
by a stranger.
337
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:20,006
Well, it's got seat belts
and Tyson's not a stranger.
338
00:20:20,006 --> 00:20:23,286
No, you've known him
for all of two weeks.
339
00:20:23,286 --> 00:20:27,287
That car's cool. Tyson's cool.
Why can't you be cool, Dad?
340
00:20:27,287 --> 00:20:29,647
Daddy is cool. No he isn't.
341
00:20:29,647 --> 00:20:31,807
Yes, he is, he fixed my scooter.
342
00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:34,687
That's not cool. Cool is
343
00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:37,966
when you can go to the arcade
while people think you're at school
344
00:20:37,966 --> 00:20:40,526
because you put a dummy in there,
and also...
345
00:20:40,526 --> 00:20:45,407
No, cool means those cars
that have seats in the boot so that you can look out, and...
346
00:20:45,407 --> 00:20:49,406
You're talking rubbish.
Well, you're not cool. You've got hair like a girl.
347
00:20:50,287 --> 00:20:51,406
SHE SCREAMS
348
00:20:51,406 --> 00:20:52,487
All right!
349
00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:54,766
He splashed me deliberately!
My hand slipped.
350
00:20:54,766 --> 00:20:59,167
All right, all right...
Congratulations, Ben,
351
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:03,686
cos you've now done such a bad job,
I'm almost certainly not going to ask you to do it again
352
00:21:03,686 --> 00:21:07,726
which is probably part of your
evil master plan. Can I watch telly?
353
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:13,046
Yes, but you'll have to negotiate
with Grandad. Can we watch something?
354
00:21:13,046 --> 00:21:15,487
In a minute, when I've
finished watching this.
355
00:21:17,046 --> 00:21:18,326
What is it?
356
00:21:18,326 --> 00:21:19,926
Er, it's about the sixties.
357
00:21:19,926 --> 00:21:21,487
The Beatles!
358
00:21:21,487 --> 00:21:25,327
Oh, yeah, the Beatles. Who's your
favourite Beatle, do you think?
359
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:29,407
Ringo Starr.
Why? He's called Ringo Starr.
360
00:21:29,407 --> 00:21:33,326
Who are they? They're the hippies.
Hippies.
361
00:21:33,326 --> 00:21:35,887
Oh, that's horrible!
Hippies being shot.
362
00:21:35,887 --> 00:21:37,686
Yeah... That is horrible.
363
00:21:37,686 --> 00:21:41,846
A hippy's been shot. Cos he tried
to stop the war and he got shot.
364
00:21:41,846 --> 00:21:45,127
What a stupid hippy, running up
to an army man saying,
365
00:21:48,446 --> 00:21:51,806
I am... one thousand years old.
366
00:21:51,806 --> 00:21:56,246
No you're not. I knew all the great
people in history.
367
00:21:56,246 --> 00:22:01,327
OK... Fine. What were all the names
of King Henry VIII's wives?
368
00:22:01,327 --> 00:22:05,687
Yeah, there was a couple of
Catherine's, Bertha Big Bottom...
369
00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:07,207
THEY LAUGH
370
00:22:07,207 --> 00:22:09,607
Queen Fatty Knickers...
371
00:22:11,447 --> 00:22:15,647
Queen Bonkers and Queen Derek.
Oh, that was funny.
372
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:18,086
Big Henry... Yeah, I knew him.
373
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:20,287
And the way you said it was funny.
374
00:22:20,287 --> 00:22:25,406
Ben only has odd socks,
I swear he must eat one of every
375
00:22:25,406 --> 00:22:28,366
pair just to wind me up.
Here you go. Thank you.
376
00:22:31,286 --> 00:22:32,846
Listen,
377
00:22:32,846 --> 00:22:35,846
about your dad,
378
00:22:35,846 --> 00:22:37,486
I've been thinking...
379
00:22:37,486 --> 00:22:41,287
if you want him to stay here
with us, then that is fine,
380
00:22:43,207 --> 00:22:45,887
Nooo, don't say that! Why?
381
00:22:45,887 --> 00:22:49,006
myself that you were right.
382
00:22:50,726 --> 00:22:55,087
Yeah, but you got me thinking with
that stuff about your Grandad living with you and...
383
00:22:55,087 --> 00:22:56,167
people did that.
384
00:22:56,167 --> 00:23:02,366
I know, but he's going to need
constant supervision and he's going to need a proper routine...
385
00:23:02,366 --> 00:23:06,286
Oh, we can't both be right...
386
00:23:06,286 --> 00:23:09,846
that would destroy the universe.
387
00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:14,767
Oh, get a room.
Actually this is a room, that had a door, that was closed.
388
00:23:14,767 --> 00:23:17,887
I didn't realise it was your
love-nest. It's not our love...
389
00:23:17,887 --> 00:23:20,287
Where's Djibouti? Well, why are you
asking us?
390
00:23:20,287 --> 00:23:22,447
Is the internet down again?
Yeah, where is it?
391
00:23:22,447 --> 00:23:24,767
It's in South America.
The south of France.
392
00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:26,767
It's a country, it's not a city.
393
00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:30,127
It's a region, of France.
No it isn't in France, it's...
394
00:23:30,127 --> 00:23:32,327
It's not in South America is it?
I mean...
395
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:35,446
Brilliant, how come I get
lumbered with the thick parents?
396
00:23:35,446 --> 00:23:37,406
DOOR SLAMS
397
00:23:37,406 --> 00:23:40,087
Look we don't need to
panic about your dad.
398
00:23:40,087 --> 00:23:41,806
We don't need to make
a decision now.
399
00:23:41,806 --> 00:23:43,646
Well, I think we have, haven't we?
400
00:23:44,447 --> 00:23:47,846
Come on... Are you sure?
401
00:23:47,846 --> 00:23:52,327
No, but let's do it
before I chicken out.
402
00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:58,767
Dad? You know Ashley's Dad,
403
00:23:58,767 --> 00:24:01,567
who you were so rude about,
to Ashley on the phone?
404
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:03,806
I wasn't rude about
him, I was honest.
405
00:24:03,806 --> 00:24:05,887
Well, he's a paratrooper.
406
00:24:05,887 --> 00:24:07,406
Right, yeah...
407
00:24:07,406 --> 00:24:10,126
No, he is.
408
00:24:10,126 --> 00:24:13,727
Yeah. He's just come back
from fighting the Taliban.
409
00:24:13,727 --> 00:24:17,887
Yeah, well I'll be all right,
because thanks to you, he probably thinks I'm a killer.
410
00:24:17,887 --> 00:24:24,086
No, I told Ashley you worked
in a cake shop. A cake shop?
411
00:24:24,086 --> 00:24:25,727
Yeah.
412
00:24:25,727 --> 00:24:29,246
Why on earth... Don't get involved.
413
00:24:29,246 --> 00:24:35,286
Karen, do you think it's time you
ought to be starting bath and bedtime?
414
00:24:35,286 --> 00:24:37,807
But, I'm watching Strictly
Come Dancing, which
415
00:24:37,807 --> 00:24:42,607
I missed last Saturday when
you said "Let's go to the Museum".
416
00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:44,246
Karen. But Grandad was...
417
00:24:44,246 --> 00:24:48,407
Mummy and I need to have a quick
word with Grandad, about grown-up stuff, up you go.
418
00:24:48,407 --> 00:24:51,326
Is it about how to make a baby?
419
00:24:51,326 --> 00:24:53,647
No, up you go.
Cos I can tell you that.
420
00:24:53,647 --> 00:24:56,966
Yes, we know that.
You told us yesterday.
421
00:24:56,966 --> 00:25:00,326
In fact you told
most of Sainsbury's.
422
00:25:00,326 --> 00:25:05,207
She reminds me of you
when you were that age.
423
00:25:11,807 --> 00:25:16,406
Listen, Frank we need to talk
to you about your, um...
424
00:25:16,406 --> 00:25:18,127
accommodation.
425
00:25:18,127 --> 00:25:20,807
Accommodation?
426
00:25:20,807 --> 00:25:22,447
You see Dad, the thing is...
427
00:25:22,447 --> 00:25:24,767
is you have certain needs...
428
00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:27,606
and requirements, and
you will continue to have
429
00:25:27,606 --> 00:25:32,807
certain needs and requirements,
and increasingly as time goes by...
430
00:25:34,927 --> 00:25:39,926
The thing is Frank, we're
not sure that this house...
431
00:25:39,926 --> 00:25:46,326
really best meets those
requirements, and we were wondering whether, possibly...
432
00:25:47,527 --> 00:25:49,807
a Residential home...
433
00:25:49,807 --> 00:25:53,327
of some sort, might
be better suited to them.
434
00:25:55,327 --> 00:26:00,647
You're saying
I should go into a home.
435
00:26:04,487 --> 00:26:08,327
On balance, Frank, yeah.
436
00:26:13,486 --> 00:26:16,807
Oh, thank God!
437
00:26:16,807 --> 00:26:21,206
I have been worrying so much
about how I was going to break it to you, I can't live here!
438
00:26:21,206 --> 00:26:24,326
There's to much noise and confusion.
439
00:26:24,326 --> 00:26:27,167
I don't know how you two stand it,
to be honest.
440
00:26:27,167 --> 00:26:31,606
Mind you, mind you don't get me
wrong, your kids are lovely, lovely and sweet, good in
441
00:26:40,074 --> 00:26:44,593
Well, Sue's already found one that's
quite nice. Perhaps we could take you to have a look?
442
00:26:44,593 --> 00:26:47,914
Is it full of
rich, sex-starved old women?
443
00:26:47,914 --> 00:26:50,754
Oh, honestly Dad, you're...
Exclusively. ..a terror.
444
00:26:50,754 --> 00:26:52,393
DOORBELL RINGS
445
00:27:04,033 --> 00:27:07,153
Are you sure you're all
right with this, Frank?
446
00:27:07,153 --> 00:27:10,153
You're not saying this just
to let us off the hook, are you?
447
00:27:10,153 --> 00:27:12,553
Nah, don't be silly.
448
00:27:12,553 --> 00:27:14,833
It's for the best.
449
00:27:14,833 --> 00:27:16,354
Right.
450
00:27:20,073 --> 00:27:24,073
Oh, Barbara, are you all right?
451
00:27:24,073 --> 00:27:27,114
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just having one of those days.
452
00:27:27,114 --> 00:27:29,634
Well, do you want to come in and...
No, I'm fine.
453
00:27:29,634 --> 00:27:32,514
You know the spare key
you've got to our place...
454
00:27:32,514 --> 00:27:35,674
Yes... Well,
could you replace it with this one?
455
00:27:35,674 --> 00:27:37,474
I've had to have the locks changed.
456
00:27:37,474 --> 00:27:39,594
Oh, right, OK. Oh, and um...
457
00:27:39,594 --> 00:27:41,754
if I'm not in,
458
00:27:41,754 --> 00:27:45,834
and Martin calls
asking to borrow the spare, um...
459
00:27:45,834 --> 00:27:48,234
could you not give it to him?
460
00:27:48,234 --> 00:27:52,193
Just tell him I didn't give you one.
All right.
461
00:27:52,193 --> 00:27:53,593
Thanks.
462
00:28:03,673 --> 00:28:04,674
Yesss!
463
00:28:10,674 --> 00:28:12,362
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464
00:28:12,412 --> 00:28:16,962
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