Original subtitles

Step away from your sister.

Karen, go up and get changed.

Ben, will you stop playing with that!

Listen, for the last time - you should never, ever, hit a person.

What if they're attacking you with a shovel? What?

If someone's attacking you with a shovel,

you must be able to hit them.

Well, obviously, yeah. I mean, that would be defence,

so obviously, in that sort of. Come on!

shovel-related circumstance, you can hit someone but.

Ah, but you said "never, ever"!

Ben, you know perfectly well.

Come on people! Let's not be late for another wedding! Ah.

And today's mystery object is.

a trowel behind the telly. Karen, are you ready?

Look, Ben. You must never hit someone first.

What if you're a boxer?

If you're a boxer, you should be able to hit someone. Listen!

..because a boxer's job is to punch people.

But we're not talking about... Karen!

What if somebody's walking towards you and you know they're a murderer.

Ben... And they have a shovel.

Ben, this isn't about murderers with shovels...

Jake, can you stop texting? Why have I got to to wear this stuff?

It's horrible and itchy and... Come on, everyone!

We're going to a wedding, and everyone has to be as uncomfortable as possible.

Now go, come on, get your shoes on. Karen, do you need some help?.

No, no... We agreed you were going to change into your dress

when we got to Julie's house, like the other bridesmaid.

But I want to travel in my dress. But darling, it'll get...

You're not supposed to upset me on my big day.

Well, strictly-speaking, Karen, it's cousin Julie's big day, isn't it?

I wish everybody would stop saying that. Go and change into what you were wearing before.

Who comes down the aisle first, me or the other bridesmaid?

That's up to Cousin Julie, so we'll wait and see what she wants.

Who comes down the aisle first, Cousin Julie or me?

That would be Cousin Julie

on account of the fact that she's the bride.

Now go and get changed, Karen.

PHONE RINGS

I'll get that!

We've got to shift, come on! Hi, Dad. How are you?

Dad, is Auntie Angela coming to the wedding?

Well...

She hasn't replied to the invitation, and America's a long way away,

so you never really know with Auntie Angela, so...

God, I hope Mum and her don't have another fight.

Well, it wasn't really a fight exactly, was it?

No shovels involved.

No, but there was shouting, screaming and swearing. A lot of swearing.

Look, all sisters have these little disagreements,

and I'm sure that if she does come, they'll be very civilized about it.

Anyway she probably won't come.

Bollocks, the present!

God! You OK?

No, that was Dad. He's forgotten all about the wedding,

and he's still in his pyjamas.

I've got a thumping headache

and Karen's faffing about with her dress!

Karen, where are you off to?

I need a wee. OK. Do you need any help with your dress and stuff?

I'm six. OK, but don't slide the bolt across, cos it's stiff.

What?

I said, can you make sure you don't slide the...

BOLT SLIDES ACROSS

..bolt across.

OK, erm..Karen, darling. Listen, can you, erm...

Can you do me a favour?

Can you just put the bolt back across again?

You know, just so I know you can.

I can't. It's too stiff.

You should have warned me not to put the bolt across!

I think it was mentioned actually, sweetheart. But just erm...

There's nothing to worry about, you'll be fine.

Well, you slid it one way, you should...

You should be able to slide it the other.

Come on everyone, let's go!

Ben, don't do that. We need to allow ourselves plenty of time because Dad doesn't trust the sat nav any more.

Not since that visit to the army firing range.

Cheers.

Just give it a big push. KAREN SHOUTS

She won't get out, she'll be stuck forever.

Ben, that is not helpful.

Karen... You should have told her not to put the bolt across.

Funnily enough, that was exactly...

You'll have to break the door down. Do you mind? I'm dealing with this.

On The Bill, they have this really big special door-basher,

that's like a big metal pole.

Unfortunately we don't have a big special door-basher

with a long metal pole so...

What if she gets thirsty and drinks the toilet water?

Well, that'll be fine. Karen!

What is going on? I'm stuck in the toilet.

You shouldn't have let her put the bolt across.

Right, the next person who says that...

OK, let's try not to panic.

No-one is panicking.

Karen's panicking. Thank you, Jake. Yes, I am aware of that.

If she slid the bolt one way, she should be able to slide it back.

I know, and that is why I have been...

OK, let's try to stay calm. I am calm. This is going to make us late.

We can't be late! It's my big day!

It's all right Karen. Stay calm.

We could put beavers through the window and they'd eat the door.

Can we please stop with the stupid suggestions about beavers?

There's no point in panicking. Help! I am not panicking.

We're not going to be late.

I will deal with it. And I will deal with it in a calm and measured way.

How much will it cost to replace that door?

Look, I got us here on time, didn't I?

Sometimes drastic situations require drastic measures.

So, how's your shoulder? Fine.

And your foot? Yes.

And your... Look, can we just... OK? You all right, Granddad?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Just admiring the bride.

Judy looks smashing doesn't she, eh?

It's Julie, Granddad.

What... Oh. Oh, yeah.

So, girls, how do I look?

You look beautiful. Ah, thank you, Karen.

Do I look beautiful?

You look OK.

You look gorgeous, Mary.

Why are wedding dresses white?

Because Mummy says it's a bad colour because it shows the dirt.

That's true, I mean it's not very practical, is it?

And also, why are wedding dresses funny?

Funny? Yes, because when I asked my Mummy and Daddy in the car

would the bride be wearing white, they said, "yes",

and started giggling.

Did they?

And they tried to hide it but I could see Mummy's shoulders

moving up and down like this.

Right. Great...

Right, Ben, a little reminder. Gravel. Confetti.

You seemed to get confused at your Auntie Sandra's wedding, didn't you?

When the priest says, "Does anyone know any reason why these people

"can't get married", no shouting out funny answers, all right?

You mean like "She's a man"? Yes!

Exactly like that.

You're lucky your Auntie Sandra's got such a good sense of humour.

Who's that? That's Sam. We used to go out together.

How many of your boyfriends are here?

Not many. A few, a few.

What about... What about the bald one?

Oh, Colin. My mum liked him. Did she? No Colin, Colin's not here.

What about that one that was friends with the Queen?

Sorry?

Friends with the Queen He's friends with...

of the Queen, you know, he's friends with the Queen.

He's a guest of her majesty.

Right. Right. No, he's... He's not here.

Is he at Buckingham Palace?

No, he's not at Buckingham Palace.

So, your mummy and daddy were discussing my taste in boyfriends, were they?

Yes. Right.

Who's Ulrika?

I don't know what I would do if I was attacked by a polar bear, Ben.

Now, come on, sit there. Space by your Mother.

No, there isn't. Yes, there is. No there isn't, look. There's a space.

There's quite obviously a space next to you. Come on, Ben. Why next to me?

This is brings back so many memories of my wedding day.

A crowded church, everyone in their finery.

And Jane. Oh, Jane. So beautiful.

Breathtaking she was.

Dad...

Mum's name was Joan.

I know, but she had this gorgeous friend called Jane. Real stunner.

I can't believe that you... that you just...

Just because you're getting admiring beautiful women.

But that's just... At the altar?

Oh, come on. It's just what men are like...

KAREN: So, you promise to love him forever and ever,

but how do you know that's true?

I just know. I love Derek. That's all there is.

So you didn't love any of those other boyfriends, like the bald one,

and the one that was friends with the Queen?

Well. I suppose at the time, you think you love them...

Then it turns out that you were wrong all those times. Yes.

But you're right this time.

Yes.

And that's happy and good.

That is happy and good.

Why has Jesus got that sad expression on his face?

Well, he's being...

crucified and it's making him feel sad.

He's got nails in his hands. He should be going, "Aargh".

Ben, sssh! Well, he should.

Soppy old Jesus. Ben! Please! It's not realistic. Would you just...

Hey look, it's Angela! She's made it, isn't that brilliant?

Oh, yeah. That's... That's brilliant.

Hi! Hi, Pete! Hiya, Dad, Sue.

Hi, Jake. Hi, Ben.

I'm so sad. Ben!

He hasn't changed, I see. It's fantastic you could make it.

It's just a whistle-stop tour, I'm afraid.

My boss can't spare me for long.

Course not, no.

Come here.

How long have you known Derek? Ten months.

That's not a very long time. Oh, look! What a lovely staircase.

My mummy and daddy don't live together any more.

Mummy said that on their wedding day,

she thought he was the most wonderful man on the planet.

Now she just cries all the time.

Here we go, sweetheart. All set?

BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS ON CHURCH ORGAN

Julie's got tears in her eyes.

Well. It's an emotional day.

Who's that?

No idea. This is our table.

They've put Ben and Karen on a children's table.

Result! Is it?

Ben is on a children's table.

With other children.

You can't be a helicopter parent.

You just hover around him all the time. You don't give him any space. He'll be fine!

More of a sort of jump-jet parent, if anything.

I like to just get in there quickly and sort stuff out.

My God, it's you, Howard!

Oh, hello Vicar!

Here it comes, the attention-seeking missile.

Look, Sue. This... This is Julie's big day, I know.

All I was going to say is...

That I must stay in control. Yes, I know that.

And you needn't worry,

because I have made a promise to myself,

and no matter how provoking Angela gets,

I am simply going to choose to rise above it. OK?

OK. OK. OK, sorted.

Well, she, eh...seems to be on top of it, doesn't she?

Yeah.

They're walking towards each other. I'm on it.

Hi, Auntie Angela, hello. Hi, Jakey.

Nice table display.

Yes, yes, it's a... it's a very nice table display.

I like a good old table display, don't you?

If you're going to sit on the children's table,

no fighting, no drinking grown-up drinks and no swearing. Understand?

Cos we're gonna trust you.

Trust me? Yeah.

You're going to trust me?

Yes. Only, you mustn't arm-wrestle this little girl

cos she only looks about three. Four.

She's four.

You all right, Pete? Erm...

Yeah, Frank, yeah. The bride's certainly putting it away.

Probably a case of big match nerves, Frank.

Can I ask you another question about the Bible?

Erm. Well, of course you can, Ben.

King Herod sent out an order to kill the baby Jesus, right?

Right, yes, he did. Yep.

Well, why didn't Baby Jesus zap him?

Well, yes, I... I suppose in theory he could have...

zapped him, he...

Because Herod, was a tiny little speck of nothing to Jesus,

cos Jesus could have squashed him with a hippopotamus or...

But Jesus was meek and mild.

Well, yes, that's true, Karen.

And besides, he knew that when King Herod got to Hell,

that God would roast him until his eyeballs exploded.

And why has God only given us fifteen thousand billion years left to live,

before the sun dies? Erm...

Sue, hi! Oh, hi!

So, how's things?

Ooh, things are good. How're things with you?

Good, yeah.

Are you still in Keely Road? Yeah, yeah, we are.

Are you... Are you still in..?

The same place, yeah.

Have you got your kids with you? Yeah.

What, all three? Yes. Karen must be, what six?

Six, yes. Yes, how about you? Have you got your...offspring?

Oh, yeah, he's around somewhere. Have you got Pete with you?

We'd love to meet him. Oh, um... This is Pete. Hi.

Pete this is...

Lovely, isn't it, this?

What they've done with this...

And this is my dad and this is...

where you're sitting Dad, here.

Where are you sitting?

Erm, on this table, with you.

Great! That's great, because you're always worried

about who's gonna be on the table with you at things like this.

We're gonna be OK because we've got...

PAULA AND STEVE!

Welcome, Paula and Steve! Steve and Paula...

So where do you know Sue from? Do you want to tell him or shall I?

You tell him, Paula.

Is Angela not on our table then? Can't we do something about that?

It wouldn't be fair to disrupt the seating plan, Frank.

A lot of work's gone into that.

When Jesus was a bit older,

and he was still being searched by the Romans,

why couldn't he shape shift... Shape shift?

..into a Roman, and then when all the other Romans were asleep,

he could kill them so they would stop searching for him.

Yes, well I doubt he would do that.

He wasn't a Power Ranger or anything like that.

Can I ask you another one?

Is this the last question?

No. Oh, OK. When Jesus...

So, who'd like some wine? Wine?

Oh, this is daft, there must have been a mix-up.

I'll just swap this one.

I don't think it's fair to disrupt the seating plan, it's...

Oh, I'm sure they won't mind, anyway,

it'll be nicer if we're all together, won't it? Yes. Be lovely.

Would Jesus forgive somebody if they flew up to heaven

in a big rocket

and as soon as he goes to heaven

he punches Jesus in the face, and he beats Jesus up.

Would Jesus say, "Oh, I forgive you", or would he...

or would he fight back, "Pittsh", and knock that man out of heaven?

I just can't see a situation where somebody would get into heaven,

and... and...punch Jesus.

And also, when I was...

The message in the Bible is that we should forgive

and it was important that Jesus died for us.

He died to save us all.

That's a bit selfish of humankind, isn't it?

Well, couldn't he find another way, like writing to tell them

to be a bit better otherwise something bad's going to happen, or like...

Oh, goodness! Erm, I really must be going...

When Jesus was being crucified...

Actually, I've just realised there's a few people

I must go and speak to.

..ask God to send a meteorite and destroy the troops of the Romans...

Well, it was the way that God chose. He wanted to sacrifice his only son.

He wanted to show how important it was.

He chose the most precious thing in the world to him,

and the most precious thing in the world to him was Jesus.

And then why did he kill him?

So, have you got kids?

No. No, my lifestyle's never really left any room for it, y'know?

I love my globetrotting too much.

Right. No, I couldn't do what Sue does.

Jesus says that you should forgive everybody.

Yes, that's right. Sorry you are?

This is Mary, my assistant bridesmaid.

OK. I'll be off.

What would Jesus do if someone stole his mobile, would he forgive them?

Yes, he'd forgive them, you're right, well done, Ben.

Now I really must be going.

Wait! One last question. Ok. What would Jesus do.

if he was attacked by a polar bear? He would zap him.

He wouldn't zap him! That can't be true.

Because polar bears are extinct. I didn't mean to upset you...

You should know that! They're not, they're endangered.

No because there's not much of polar bears, but there's lots of us

of us, there's about five trillion people in the whole world

and there's about five polar bears in the whole world,

and so we have to look after them. All right so I...

If you went up to a group of polar bears, the last ones,

and you said, "Polar bears, I am on your team.

"Lets hunt down the humans", they would pounce on you and kill you.

Probably but I'm never gonna do that, am I?!

You're being so stupid. There's no need for that, Ben.

No, I am not, Benny!

Dummy! No shouting, no shouting. Calm down please, children!

No, I couldn't do what Sue does.

I mean I really take my hat off to her,

looking after Pete and the kids, day in, day out, I mean,

always having to play second banana as it were. I couldn't do that.

No, I've got huge admiration for my little sister.

She's like this lovely supermum and what am I, eh?

Well...

Each to their own, eh?

Absolutely... Dad.

..Life'd be pretty dull if everybody led absolutely identical...

Dad. I'm in the middle of saying something, Jake.

Yes, but, Ben and Karen are trying to bite each other.

Oh, shit.

It's OK, Vicar, I'll deal with it.

Come back here!

I'm allergic to them! You are not allergic to peas.

No-one's allergic to peas, no-one in the world is allergic to peas.

How do you know, because you... you haven't asked the people,

even if you did I know you'd be lying

because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese...

you can't speak Australian or any of that.

There was a survey by the Pea Marketing Board.

Look, just eat the peas, please. No, no, no... but, but, but, but...

CHILDREN LAUGH

Ben! Ben, you can't dip sardines in the chocolate fountain.

Yes, you can! Look!

See! He can!

Dad! It's through the double doors.

Dad's memory seems quite a lot worse.

Well, it is a degenerative illness, so...

Sooner or later he's going to have to move out of that house. I'm well aware of that.

Have you started looking into sheltered accommodation and stuff? We will, when the time comes.

There's no point going into denial about it.

Perhaps you'd like to come back from America and look after him.

Like you once said you would.

Oh, yes, here we go. I was wondering how long it would...

Look, I just don't want to have an argument with you.

Let's not spoil the day. It would be a shame.

Yes. We've made a pretty decent fist of keeping things civilised,

haven't we? Apart from the seating arrangement hiccup.

That was nothing to do with me. Oh, come on, do you really think...

Believe what you like, I am just not going to fight with you.

Right, who wants a drink? It's a cash bar now.

The other bridesmaid's got three pets. Can we get one?

No. No.

You made a lovely bridesmaid, Karen? Have you ever been a bridesmaid?

Yeah. A couple of times.

But never a bride. No.

Why? Well, I... I wasn't as lucky as your mummy.

I didn't want to say "yes" to the first man who asked me.

We'd best be making tracks.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

You got to allow for the A3 this time of night.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Lovely to see you, Paula and Steve. See you! Yeah, drive safely.

Could you get Karen to the car, and, erm...

could you round up Ben on the way?

Cos I'm going to say goodbye to Cousin Julie. Bye. Bye.

I'm just popping out for my nicotine fix. Oh, OK.

Sorry... We're going to head off now,

so I just thought I'd come and say thank you for a really lovely do,

and thanks for making Karen a bridesmaid, she's...

She certainly threw herself into it. Yes, she's that kind of kid.

She gave me the old third degree about my boyfriends.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, she seemed to know quite a lot about most of them.

Well, you know what girls that age are like.

Oh, yes, I do. Full of questions, like, "Who's Ulrika?"

Well, we better be making tracks. Nice that Angela could make it.

Yes, really... Yes, she and I had a good old chinwag. Did you?

About your kids, mostly. Really?

You know what she's like. Yeah.

Don't you want to know what she said? No.

She said Jake is probably gay,

because he's obsessed with floral displays,

she thinks Karen is spoilt and manipulative,

and she thinks that Ben is a trainee psychotic.

Right. And Pete is "weaker than a nun's piss".

Isn't that a funny expression? "Weaker than a nun's piss".

OK, well, thanks again for everything.

No, thank you.

Very nice to meet you...

All set? Yeah, I... Won't be a second.

I'm so sorry you had to separate our children.

Oh, no problem, no problem.

a lively pair, aren't they?

Lively, they are. Yes.

Yeah. Yes, I'm still pondering the question,

"Is Jesus vulnerable to kryptonite?"

Anyway, thank you very much for a lovely service. Thanks again.

Ready? Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Mum, do you know jail? Yes, I know jail.

Well, is it just like a big naughty step?

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Yeah.

But only with walls and dogs. Yeah.

Back up to bed. No, Ben, no!

Let me past. No Ben! Why can't I watch the football?

Because it is late. C'mon. up you go.

But I've been on my best behaviour all day long.

You were specifically told "no fighting, no swearing and no drinking alcohol",

and I caught you bashing that kid's head on the floor and shouting,

"Don't touch my bloody beer". Come on.

But he was disrespecting me. Come on.

If you went to jail would they let you come home at night?

I'm not going to go to jail! what made you think of that?

If you went up to somebody in the street and punched them,

would you go to jail? Well...erm, probably.

If you went up and kicked somebody would you go to jail?

Kicked somebody?

Right up the bottom.

Right, OK.

A.) I'm not going to go to jail for kicking Auntie Angela because...

she asked for it.

Who'd ask for somebody to kick them right up the bottom?

B.) We're not going to tell anybody, are we?

Because it would just upset Daddy and Granddad,

so they don't need to know, do they, hmm?

Now, let's talk about something else.

All right. Let's talk about getting a pet.

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