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1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:03,800
Ben? Ben, have you seen my keys?
2
00:00:04,799 --> 00:00:07,560
Keys, keys, keys, ke...
3
00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:10,640
Oh, for God's sake!
4
00:00:10,679 --> 00:00:12,520
Ben and Karen!
5
00:00:14,919 --> 00:00:16,680
No bin bag!
6
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:18,600
Brilliant!
7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:19,680
(Children arguing)
8
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:25,520
Ben and Karen, are you getting ready?
We've missed the walking bus...again.
9
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,120
Gonna have to take the car.
10
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,840
Shoes, teeth and hair!
11
00:00:30,879 --> 00:00:32,200
Why can't people just leave...
12
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,840
What are you doing with Daddy's computer?
13
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,720
I'm taking it to show and tell.
14
00:00:36,759 --> 00:00:39,840
No, you're not, show and telI's on Friday
and today's Tuesday.
15
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,160
But they changed it.
16
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,600
No, they haven't... Have they?
17
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,120
- Yes.
- When did they change it?
18
00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,520
- Last Wednesday.
- Who changed it?
19
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,880
Problems on the District line.
20
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,440
- Let go, we're gonna put it back.
- I really wanna take it.
21
00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:52,800
- You can't take it.
- People take pets!
22
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,600
Come outside and put...
Ben, look, you'll break it.
23
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,080
- Can I take this for history week?
- No, you can't take it.
24
00:01:01,119 --> 00:01:03,960
- (Radio crackling)
- Turn it off. Turn it off!
25
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,760
Ben, you're just doing my head in now.
Go and get your shoes on.
26
00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:08,600
Nothing between here and Tower Hill.
27
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,080
What is it this time - wrong sort of trains?
28
00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:14,640
Staff shortages?
29
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,280
How can that be?
30
00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:19,320
Every kid wants to be a train driver.
31
00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:21,000
Oh, hi, Viv, it's Sue.
32
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,600
Yeah, I was just wondering whether you knew
if they've changed show and tell to Tuesday.
33
00:01:28,519 --> 00:01:34,680
No, it's OK. Don't panic, it's probably just Ben
making things up again.
34
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,880
Could you check with Josh?
35
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,040
Great, thank you.
36
00:01:39,079 --> 00:01:43,520
Mum, it's ten past eight and I don't want
to be late for my first day of big school.
37
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,920
Don't worry, matey, you'll be fine.
38
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,000
Ben and Karen, are you getting ready?
39
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:53,960
Yeah? They haven't changed show and tell.
Thanks, OK, I'll see you later.
40
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,320
- Bye.
- Why does he lie like that?
41
00:01:56,359 --> 00:02:00,240
l dunno. Some kids fib
as an attention-seeking strategy.
42
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,280
But that is hardly the point, is it?
43
00:02:08,599 --> 00:02:10,200
What are you doing?
44
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,520
Please don't do that,
don't check your email.
45
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,120
- This is from Veronica.
- Especially not one from Veronica.
46
00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:17,560
lf you hadn't checked,
you wouldn't know it was there.
47
00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,440
- I need to read this.
- There's no time.
48
00:02:19,479 --> 00:02:22,040
Three days a week
you're meant to be working for that woman.
49
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,600
Oh, no, no, Veronica, I am not having that!
50
00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:28,880
Oh, don't reply, because that is fatal!
51
00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:33,960
lf you reply, she'll reply to your reply
and you'll be tempted to reply to her reply
52
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:39,200
and you'll find yourself trapped in that...
Pandora's circle.
53
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,160
Daddy.
54
00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:44,040
- Oh, hello.
- Where's my other shoe?
55
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,440
l don't know. Where did you put it -
can you remember?
56
00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:47,680
No.
57
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,160
What's a hypocrite?
58
00:02:51,199 --> 00:02:52,840
Well, er...
59
00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:56,360
if, for example, I'd said
you mustn't eat all the cake,
60
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,240
and then I ate all the cake myself,
then I'd be a hypocrite.
61
00:03:01,159 --> 00:03:03,520
What's a twat?
62
00:03:05,039 --> 00:03:06,680
Twat.
63
00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,680
It's not a very nice word for children to use.
64
00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:11,480
Where did you hear that -
have you been watching Trisha?
65
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,160
No, last night
when you were arguing with Mum.
66
00:03:15,199 --> 00:03:18,120
Well, Mummies and Daddies
do argue sometimes, don't they?
67
00:03:18,159 --> 00:03:20,000
You shout sometimes, don't you?
68
00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:23,520
Did you... Did you hear any other words?
69
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:28,280
There were some other words that I heard
but I just can't remember them.
70
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,440
- Good.
- Something about midlife.
71
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:36,520
Something about...pillock,
72
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:41,080
and...there's pillock and...
73
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,120
another word.
74
00:03:44,199 --> 00:03:46,080
l think it's ponk.
75
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,480
And there was one and it was tight-bum.
76
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:56,040
Right, well, probably best
not to use those too often.
77
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,200
Why don't you go off and find your shoe?
78
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,400
What was all that about?
79
00:04:02,439 --> 00:04:04,120
Look, I'm really...
80
00:04:04,159 --> 00:04:06,920
I'm really sorry about last night. It's just...
81
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,520
No, it was me.
82
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:10,560
- No.
- It was me.
83
00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,800
No, because I hadn't
thought it through properly.
84
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,840
- That's true, but it was me.
- No, it was me. It was me. It's usually me.
85
00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:20,560
- It was mostly me.
- Well, yeah...
86
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,480
- Tight-bum.
- Ponk.
87
00:04:23,519 --> 00:04:25,480
(Whirring)
88
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:27,520
Ben, put that down!
89
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,080
It's for show and tell.
90
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,680
r
It's not for... It is not for show and tell
91
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,880
because A,
you could hurt someone with that,
92
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,160
B, it's Daddy's,
and C, show and tell is still on Fridays.
93
00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:39,040
A, B, C, D...
94
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,880
l, G, H, M...
95
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,880
- I've warned you about lying, haven't l, Ben?
- Ignore.
96
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,520
- No one likes little boys who lie.
- Ignore.
97
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:54,120
- You know what happened to Pinocchio?
- He's a cartoon, he's not real!
98
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,840
- Q, R, T...
- You've got to stop lying.
99
00:04:57,879 --> 00:05:03,280
You have to stop lying, Ben, because
nobody likes little boys who lie, do they?
100
00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,040
Some people do.
101
00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:08,600
Ross likes me, Nathan likes me,
Deion likes me.
102
00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:13,160
Well, we all like you, Ben,
but the point of the story of Pinocchio was...
103
00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:16,480
The person who looks after me
isn't called Gepetto,
104
00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:21,120
and I don't live in a little hut in the forest.
105
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:26,440
No, but... You could if you carry on like...
Look, we're going off at a tangent here.
106
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,960
Why don't you just go and get
your school book, go on.
107
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,200
Can I take your staple gun?
108
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,040
You are to go nowhere near my staple gun!
109
00:05:33,079 --> 00:05:35,400
- (Phone)
- Mum, come on!
110
00:05:36,399 --> 00:05:37,440
- Hello?
- Sue?
111
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,480
- Oh, hi, Dad, everything OK?
- I forgot to put the bins out.
112
00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:44,000
No, you don't have to put the bins out today.
Bin day's Friday.
113
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,400
No, today's Tuesday, Dad.
114
00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:54,240
No, no. No, no, no, listen, don't worry,
because I get the days of the week mixed up.
115
00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:58,600
Look, don't get anxious, it's fine.
116
00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:00,320
Dad, I found a letter for you.
117
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,040
Oh, thanks.
118
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,440
Right.
119
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:06,800
Aren't you gonna look at it?
120
00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:10,480
No, it's boring stuff. I'll look at it later.
121
00:06:10,519 --> 00:06:12,000
A postcard from Auntie Angela.
122
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,880
- Mm-hm.
- We're gonna be late, aren't we?
123
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,280
No, we'll be fine.
124
00:06:15,319 --> 00:06:19,640
Yeah, right! Can I get a note saying
Jake was late cos his family's useless?
125
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,560
- Ben?
- (laughs)
126
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,000
Come on, Ben, what are you doing?
We've gotta get going.
127
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,000
l made these pictures for you at school.
128
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,720
Oh, lovely.
That's a lovely picture of...
129
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,720
What is it of?
130
00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,160
A cow.
131
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,240
A cow...
132
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:48,480
Killing some people cos it doesn't want
to be made into food.
133
00:06:48,519 --> 00:06:54,640
He's ripping their heads off and their arms
and shooting them and...
134
00:06:54,680 --> 00:07:01,280
That one is of people getting hurt because...
135
00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:06,600
and the cow's killing them cos the cow
doesn't want to be made into food,
136
00:07:06,639 --> 00:07:09,200
because I don't like burgers.
137
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,560
They're made out of cows and pigs
and stuff like that,
138
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,000
so that's why I drawed the pictures.
139
00:07:17,639 --> 00:07:21,240
That makes sense. I'm gonna keep hold
of that one - a special one.
140
00:07:21,279 --> 00:07:23,520
There's these.
141
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,920
Aren't they lovely.
D'you know what I'm gonna do...
142
00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:29,480
Ben, I told you to stay away
from my staple gun, didn't l?
143
00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:31,840
Come on, darling, go and get your shoes.
144
00:07:31,879 --> 00:07:37,000
I'm gonna really look at them all and have
a good think about them, especially this one,
145
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,400
and you're gonna go and find your shoe.
Off you go.
146
00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:41,040
We need to get to school. Off you go.
147
00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:43,000
That's lovely.
148
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,640
That's weird!
149
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,200
That kid is taking it right to the edge.
150
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,520
Ty not to have a go at him, he'll have
a screamy fit and we don't have the time.
151
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,880
l wasn't planning...
152
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,760
My ruler's not transparent
and I need a transparent ruler.
153
00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,080
Ben, I can't hear any movement.
154
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,480
Mum, the list says
l need to have a transparent ruler.
155
00:08:03,519 --> 00:08:07,080
Don't worry, I know exactly where to find one.
156
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,080
(Jake) For God's sakes!
157
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:16,360
Pete, Pete...just...just easy, easy.
158
00:08:16,399 --> 00:08:18,920
- Easy what?
- It's his first day at seconday school,
159
00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:22,720
we don't want to make him any more nervous,
so, just easy does it.
160
00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:27,320
Don't do the over-cheerful thing,
or the bouny walk or call him Jakester
161
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,800
or squire or materoony, just easy does it.
162
00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:35,880
Just try and be a bit more natural,
a bit less self-conscious.
163
00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:37,800
Have you seen my keys?
164
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,680
- No.
- I left them here this morning.
165
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,280
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
166
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,880
I'm concentrating
on not being self-conscious.
167
00:08:44,919 --> 00:08:50,040
Ben, have you been hiding my keys again?
Karen, have you seen my keys?
168
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,720
No.
169
00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:55,000
Jake?
170
00:08:55,039 --> 00:09:00,560
One, transparent...ruler.
171
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,320
There you go, squi...
172
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
- You got everything?
- I think so.
173
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,240
Mum, we need to get going.
174
00:09:07,279 --> 00:09:11,040
Well, it would be a lot easier to get going
if somebody hadn't moved the car keys,
175
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,360
but, as somebody's
very helpfully moved them.
176
00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:15,600
- (Keys rattle)
- OK, found them, let's go.
177
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:17,440
- Where were they?
- Doesn't matter.
178
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,680
Ben!
179
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,200
Sorry about all the chaos, Jake.
180
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,240
- Are you excited?
- Excited?
181
00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:26,040
Well, first day at big school.
You're with the big boys now.
182
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,760
I'm not. They'll all be bigger than me.
183
00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:30,960
- Of course they won't.
- There's not gonna be many smaller than me.
184
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,160
Tim Green's staking, he's smaller than you.
185
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,400
But he's got dwarfism.
186
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,480
l know.
187
00:09:37,519 --> 00:09:39,640
He's still smaller than you.
188
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,800
Why doesn't Jake go
to the school that you teach?
189
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,160
Why doesn't Jake go
to the school that I teach in?
190
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,240
- It's so I don't get hurt.
- Well, there is that, I suppose.
191
00:09:52,279 --> 00:10:00,880
Some of the kids at Daddy's school
tend to be a bit...silly, silly with weapons,
192
00:10:00,919 --> 00:10:04,480
especially if you're related to a teacher.
But, anyway, that is big school.
193
00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:07,400
No one's gonna be silly with weapons
at your school.
194
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,040
ls a fork a weapon?
195
00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:12,240
A fork.
196
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,400
How would you use a fork as a weapon?
197
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,600
Mm, you could stab like that.
198
00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:21,880
Come on, come on, get your wings off,
time to get ready.
199
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,960
Oh, no, you're not doing it again?!
200
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,960
Veronica's pushing her luck this time, because
she knows Martin deal with compliance.
201
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,640
She knows that. It will take ten seconds.
202
00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:33,800
lt will not take ten seconds!
203
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,480
(Jake) OK, I'm gonna wait outside
by the car now.
204
00:10:38,399 --> 00:10:39,960
Pyow! Pyow!
205
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,240
That's just a piece of the vacuum cleaner.
206
00:10:43,279 --> 00:10:49,000
No, it isn't, it's my gun.
My gun can kill anything, especially fairies.
207
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:51,720
- Put it back!
- It can destroy a planet.
208
00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:54,520
Yes, but look, all it is is a tube.
209
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,000
Just a tube going round and round.
210
00:10:58,039 --> 00:11:03,240
That's where you put the bullet in.
This gun is more powemul than anything.
211
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:05,320
That could definitely kill a fairy.
212
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,240
No, it can't, cos fairies are magical
and they'd kill you before you kill them.
213
00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:10,920
How?
214
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,520
Do they have a gun?
215
00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:14,360
Do they have anything that can kill me?
216
00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:17,960
Yes, they fly down your throat
and turn your heart into a pumpkin,
217
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,920
and then your blood stops running
and then you die.
218
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,080
That's not possible.
219
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:27,120
Yes, and also they go inside
with their mini big axes
220
00:11:27,159 --> 00:11:31,120
then they chop your bones in half
until you can't move and just collapse.
221
00:11:31,159 --> 00:11:33,520
You're just being silly now.
222
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,080
I'm not!
223
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,840
Look, we really don't have time for this,
I'm sorry.
224
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:43,000
Come on, guys!
We're definitely gonna be late.
225
00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:46,480
And you see, it isn't fair on your son.
226
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,120
It's done.
227
00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:50,960
Out the door time, everybody.
228
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,840
Come on, wagons roll.
229
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,080
Wrong shoes.
Wrong shoes on wrong feet.
230
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,240
(Jake) Come on, guys, we're going to be late!
231
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:03,760
Oh, no, you're not itching your head again.
It's not nits again, is it? Let's have a look.
232
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:05,920
(Quietly) Oh, God!
233
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,400
No, you're fine, off you go.
234
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,360
Come on, guys!
235
00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:12,160
(Karen) Are you sure I haven't got nits?
236
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,720
Rah!
237
00:12:13,759 --> 00:12:15,200
Oh, give me the drill.
238
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,720
- No.
- Give me... Give me the drill.
239
00:12:17,759 --> 00:12:20,720
Give me my drill!
240
00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:21,920
Drop it. Give me the drill.
241
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,120
Don't scream. Don't scream.
242
00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:29,040
Can you just sit down properly.
Put your bottom in the seat and sit down.
243
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,840
(Jake) It's now 8:13.
244
00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:34,320
All right, look,
you can take the drill in the car,
245
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,800
as long as you promise to leave it there
when we get to school, OK?
246
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,840
Um... No.
247
00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:42,880
- Gimme the drill.
- No.
248
00:12:42,919 --> 00:12:45,560
Come on, give me the... I need the drill.
Give me the drill!
249
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:51,160
Right, drop it and come now,
or we'll just leave you here on your own.
250
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:59,960
Right, you can stay here on your own...
all day, with nothing to do.
251
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,360
let's see how you like that.
252
00:13:02,399 --> 00:13:04,360
I'll have lots to do.
253
00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:07,120
Bye, Ben.
254
00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:08,480
Bye.
255
00:13:08,519 --> 00:13:10,240
(Sighs)
256
00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:13,560
(Sighs)
257
00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:17,240
Where's...
258
00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:22,440
Oh, no, you haven't tried the we're leaving
you behind ploy - we're on a deadline!
259
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,040
Don't worry, he'll be here in a sec, trust me.
260
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,600
OK.
261
00:13:53,639 --> 00:13:55,720
(Ringtone)
262
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,160
Hello.
263
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,440
Oh, hi, lou.
264
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,640
Bring your granny to school day?
265
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:05,720
No, I don't think so.
266
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,720
Oh, Ben told Brittney, did he?
267
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,080
Look, Ben,
this is Jake's first day at big school.
268
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,280
So, it's a big day for him,
269
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:22,920
so we don't want any shouting or screaming,
so give me the drill.
270
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,880
Give me the drill.
Give me the drill.
271
00:14:25,919 --> 00:14:27,600
Give me the drill.
272
00:14:27,639 --> 00:14:29,960
I'll give you a fiver if you give me the drill.
273
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,960
Yes, yes, yes!
274
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,200
No, that's the school caretaker, sweetheart.
275
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,840
George Bush is the president
of the United States.
276
00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:39,400
ln you go.
277
00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:45,440
How did you do that?
278
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,240
You know.
279
00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,760
Help him with the seat belt, will you, Jake.
280
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,880
You're gonna like this school, Jake.
281
00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:55,600
D'you know, it is a really good school.
282
00:14:55,639 --> 00:14:59,600
For every seven kids that try to get in,
only one is accepted.
283
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,800
Not that that means
you're under any pressure.
284
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,680
No, you've just got to relax and be yourself.
285
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,120
The most important this is that you enjoy.
286
00:15:07,159 --> 00:15:10,480
And if anybody asks you where you live,
you give them Grandad's address.
287
00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,080
(Sirens)
288
00:15:18,879 --> 00:15:22,400
I'm really sorry, Veronica, it's my fault.
289
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,680
l should never have shown Ben
how to reply to an email.
290
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,680
He keeps...
291
00:15:28,799 --> 00:15:32,040
Yeah, yeah, he does know words like that.
292
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,280
And that.
293
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:41,480
No, I don't think he has ever met you,
so I don't know why he mentioned your...
294
00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:43,840
- Yo, dude.
- Don't do that.
295
00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,960
- (Sue) ..been a lucky guess.
- How was your first day at school?
296
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,560
- All right.
- (Sue) Bye.
297
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,360
Who's your form teacher?
298
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:53,920
All right.
299
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Good, glad we sorted all that out.
300
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,080
Hiya, everything OK?
301
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:04,320
Yep, Jake has been talking my ears off
about his first day at school.
302
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,320
- Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
- Right.
303
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,320
l popped in on your dad on the way home.
304
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,880
Oh, did you? Thanks.
Had he remembered to eat?
305
00:16:11,919 --> 00:16:16,880
Yeah, and I've put a sign, a big sign
on his fridge saying ''Don't forget to eat''.
306
00:16:16,919 --> 00:16:17,920
That's a good idea.
307
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,200
Although maybe
l should've stuck it on the TV.
308
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,160
He only goes to the fridge
when he's remembered to eat anyway.
309
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,240
Or in the toilet. He has to go to the toilet.
310
00:16:25,279 --> 00:16:27,880
No, he's OK. He's doing fine.
311
00:16:27,919 --> 00:16:29,960
Good. Trousers on the right way round?
312
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,800
Trousers on the right way round.
313
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,160
(Karen) Mum?
314
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:37,920
So, Ben sent an email pretending to be you?
315
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,800
Well, it...
316
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,400
(Karen) Mum!
317
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,760
She's got nits.
318
00:16:42,799 --> 00:16:45,560
- I'm halfway through.
- Oh, bloody hell!
319
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,920
It's these parents,
they know their kids have got them
320
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,160
and they just merrily pack them off to school.
321
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,640
l know, I know.
322
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,680
This the remains of the spag bol, Jake?
323
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,080
Oh, never mind.
324
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,240
Ah, the old what I did in the holidays
composition, eh?
325
00:17:01,279 --> 00:17:04,120
l don't think our English department do that.
326
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,440
l don't think Year 7
can spell car-jacking.
327
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,880
Actually, d'you think your teachers
really wanna know about our wing mirror...
328
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,880
..well, eventual lack of wing mirror incident?
329
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,000
Why not? I mean, that's what we did
in the holidays, isn't it?
330
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:22,400
Yeah, but it's not exactly...''road rage,'' is it?
331
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,080
Well, there was a road and there was rage,
wasn't there?
332
00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:29,360
Yeah, but I don't think I want people
to know about that, Jake.
333
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,400
You wouldn't want me to put
stories about you up on YouTube, would you?
334
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,840
You wouldn't know how to do that.
335
00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:44,040
Do you think I could keep a nit for a pet,
because it's not very big?
336
00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:47,000
No, you can't have a nit for a pet.
337
00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:48,960
Just one.
338
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,960
lt wouldn't be much good for a pet,
would they?
339
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,280
You can't really play with a nit, can you?
340
00:17:55,319 --> 00:18:00,400
You could play... like l-spy.
341
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,200
- l-spy?
- Yeah.
342
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,480
But they can't talk, can they?
343
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:10,320
They can, in nit language.
344
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,160
ln nit language,
and what do they say?
345
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,200
They say small things.
346
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,480
Small things?
347
00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:22,680
Ooh, disgusting creatures!
348
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,200
You can't have one as a pet.
349
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,440
Right, well, first off, road rage is two words,
it's not one.
350
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,880
You don't spell psychopathic like that,
351
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:34,400
and I can't remember your mother
saying that.
352
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,720
That, yep.
353
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,120
And that, but not that.
354
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,800
- And actually, while we're about it...
- (Phone)
355
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,400
Why isn't the phone in the cradle?
356
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,160
Why doesn't anybody
put the phone in the cradle?
357
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,880
It's easy enough, isn't it?
It's where it lives.
358
00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:05,120
Aargh!
359
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,400
Ah!
360
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,240
Hello.
361
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,840
Yep, that's me.
362
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,880
Er, no, london Electricity provide my gas.
363
00:19:24,519 --> 00:19:27,640
Or is it london Gas
who provide my electricity?
364
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,520
D'you know, I'm sorry,
I can't really remember.
365
00:19:30,559 --> 00:19:35,040
Oh, and he's picked up the phone
to a cold caller. Classic schoolboy error.
366
00:19:35,079 --> 00:19:37,240
- Shh!
- Classic mistake, Dad.
367
00:19:37,279 --> 00:19:40,040
I would like to pay less for my energy.
368
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:44,440
Don't get involved, Dad, it's just stupid.
They call at six o'clock at night...
369
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,320
- Get on, I know what I'm doing.
- No, you don't.
370
00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:48,800
Shh, get on with that.
371
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:53,120
Sorry, could you say that again,
I missed a bit about units.
372
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,000
What can I get as a pet then?
373
00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:59,680
Oh, we can't really have pets
at the moment, darling.
374
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,280
Why can't we get like a giraffe?
375
00:20:02,319 --> 00:20:04,600
A giraffe?
376
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,440
We could keep it outside.
377
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,440
Well, no, because giraffes are a bit big,
aren't they, darling?
378
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,800
What about then a...lion?
379
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,360
A lion?
380
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,520
Yeah.
381
00:20:17,559 --> 00:20:21,120
Well...they might be
a bit on the dangerous side, my lovely.
382
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,680
What about a, erm...puffin?
383
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,840
A puffin?
384
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,480
Well, you're well lucky,
you don't have to wear a uniform.
385
00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:33,800
It's weird.
386
00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:35,240
(Whistles)
387
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,600
I'm sorry, I gotta go,
my dad's making stupid faces at me.
388
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,680
- Get on with your homework.
- I am.
389
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:54,160
No, your not, you're listening to your Ipod,
you're MSNing, and you're watching television.
390
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,480
Well, I can do stuff
cos I'm a kid, I can muIt'itask.
391
00:20:57,519 --> 00:21:00,960
No, you can't, actually, because
I read an article in the New Scientist,
392
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,240
that said even though they do it all the time,
393
00:21:03,279 --> 00:21:06,960
teenagers' brains
are not suited to multitasking.
394
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,960
Whereas, men in their mid forties, like me,
actually are surprisingly...
395
00:21:14,759 --> 00:21:16,160
Surprisingly, what?
396
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,640
Sorry, there was something...on the TV.
397
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,680
I tell you what, you do your homework,
I'll do mine, how's that?
398
00:21:26,599 --> 00:21:30,520
Why can't I keep like a nit in my hair?
399
00:21:30,559 --> 00:21:35,400
Then it will lay babies
and then it'll be like a little town in my hair.
400
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,640
You can't...have a...
401
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,200
Town in your hair.
402
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,680
No, you can't have a nit town in your hair.
403
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,640
Oh, that is unbelievable.
404
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,800
Un...believable!
405
00:21:49,079 --> 00:21:53,800
Melanie Watts has confused
Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Elizabeth II.
406
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,120
She must've typed the wrong queen number
into Google.
407
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,800
Your first day at school OK then?
408
00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:07,200
Yeah.
409
00:22:10,519 --> 00:22:13,200
The Virgin Queen has got four children now.
410
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,960
Ooh, one of them's a helicopter pilot.
411
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,760
- Dad, Dad...
- Mm?
412
00:22:18,799 --> 00:22:21,080
Would bullets kill a fairy?
413
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:22,960
Yeah, you could kill a fairy with bullets.
414
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,280
Would a machine gun kill a fairy?
415
00:22:26,319 --> 00:22:28,680
Yeah, you kill pretty well everything
with a machine gun.
416
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,920
Would...a bazooka kill a fairy?
417
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,400
Yeah, big bazooka, that'll get 'em.
418
00:22:34,599 --> 00:22:35,880
(Clatter)
419
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,120
- What are you...
- Sorry!
420
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:43,360
Ben, just pick it up and put it on the shelf.
You're lucky your mum didn't see that.
421
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,840
(Ben) What about an atom bomb?
422
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,920
(Pete) An atom bomb would kill everything
pretty well - fairies, elves...
423
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,680
- Can I watch little Britain?
- No.
424
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,760
- Prison Break?
- No.
425
00:22:52,799 --> 00:22:53,800
The Sopranos?
426
00:22:58,519 --> 00:23:01,000
Where's the dinosaur book?
427
00:23:04,039 --> 00:23:06,680
It's here but you can't have it.
428
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,160
- Why?
- Because it's one of my days.
429
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,000
l wrote it all down at the back.
430
00:23:13,039 --> 00:23:14,120
When are my days?
431
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,520
They're your days,
432
00:23:15,559 --> 00:23:17,760
and today's not any of your days.
433
00:23:17,799 --> 00:23:19,920
The wรญldebeest seem lรญttle concerned.
434
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,280
- What's this?
- Attenborough.
435
00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:25,240
The wildebeest is such an idiot.
436
00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:28,280
He's just seen his mate
being torn to pieces by a crocodile,
437
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,520
and he's drinking from exactly the same place.
438
00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:33,280
It's amazing what some animals will do
to get on the telly.
439
00:23:33,319 --> 00:23:35,880
- So, today went well then?
- Yeah, fine.
440
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,720
How did Tim Green get on?
Anybody mention the dwarfism thing?
441
00:23:40,759 --> 00:23:45,160
Not really, but some boy started singing
''hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go''.
442
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,280
That's not very nice.
443
00:23:46,319 --> 00:23:49,120
l know, but it's a school, Dad,
that's what happens.
444
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,120
- What else is on?
- Nothing.
445
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,240
Come on, we've got 47 channels,
there must be something half decent.
446
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,120
(Man3 Day 65,,,
447
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:00,520
(Crowd cheerรญng)
448
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,080
(Woman) More celebrรญty gossรญp...
449
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:06,880
This is one of my days,
so you can't have it.
450
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,320
I've got it.
451
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,400
Give it back. Give it back!
452
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200
(Woman) ..wรญn a dream home...
453
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,800
(Man) I'm your host...
454
00:24:14,839 --> 00:24:17,520
(Woman) ..the death of Princess Diana.
455
00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:20,840
No, you're right.
Let's stick with Attenborough.
456
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,000
..seven metres รญn a sรญngle bound.
457
00:24:23,039 --> 00:24:25,360
My money is on the cheetah.
458
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,600
Oh, no, Dad,
you know the impala's going to escape.
459
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,440
The cheetah's the fastest land mammal.
460
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,000
- It's not getting away.
- It can move quicker.
461
00:24:32,039 --> 00:24:34,600
The impala would have to be on a motorbike.
Come on.
462
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,840
- No, the impala's more agile.
- (Phone)
463
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,280
Come on, my spotty friend.
464
00:24:38,319 --> 00:24:40,440
He's gonna escape.
Come on, you impala.
465
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,080
All the way, all the way, round the tree.
466
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,480
- Hello?
- Dad, he escaped!
467
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,440
Yes, hello.
468
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,840
Yes, I did get it.
469
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,680
Yeah, I know it needs sorting out,
470
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,120
but I'm seeing you tomorrow, so...
471
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:01,360
No, look, this really isn't
a very good time to call, so...
472
00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:06,480
Yes, yes, I will see you tomorrow.
473
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:15,200
- Who was that?
- Cold caller.
474
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,920
An email from Angela.
475
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,200
The impala won, Dad.
476
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,000
- (Thud overhead)
- Give it now!
477
00:25:20,039 --> 00:25:22,400
Oh, bloody hellfire!
478
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,200
(Ben) Go back to my room.
(Karen) Give it back!
479
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,080
- I told you the impala would win.
- You said the cheetah.
480
00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:29,960
- No, I said the impala.
- What is going on?
481
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,760
What's happening?
Karen, what's happening?
482
00:25:32,799 --> 00:25:34,400
He's got my dinosaur book!
483
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,080
- But that's your sharing dinosaur book.
- Look, Karen!
484
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,920
Upstairs, upstairs.
485
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,000
- He said...
- Ignore him, he's just being silly.
486
00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:45,400
- I wanted my dinosaur...
- Ignore him, Karen.
487
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,440
- That's my one.
- Let's go.
488
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,400
OK, Benny, don't get too comfortable,
it's bed time.
489
00:25:51,839 --> 00:25:55,600
How do you know we're not a character
from somebody's dream
490
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,800
or from a story book?
491
00:25:57,839 --> 00:26:00,480
How do we know we're not a character
from somebody's dream?
492
00:26:00,519 --> 00:26:03,760
I can't imagine anyone having a dream
this dull, can you?
493
00:26:03,799 --> 00:26:08,920
I remember the time when I had a dream
that Karen was walking to the kitchen
494
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,400
and then I woke up.
495
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,040
That's almost more dull than this,
isn't it, in fact?
496
00:26:15,079 --> 00:26:16,120
- Yes.
- Yeah.
497
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,960
What was going on with you and Karen?
What was all that about?
498
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,880
She started it -
she hit me with a baseball bat.
499
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:27,360
Ben, d'you know, we... We have got to have
a chat about you making things up.
500
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,280
You're always making things up.
501
00:26:29,319 --> 00:26:30,400
like what?
502
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,040
like you telling your friend Sammy
that I was a trained assassin.
503
00:26:34,179 --> 00:26:38,340
And now, you've been sending emails
pretending to be Mummy.
504
00:26:38,379 --> 00:26:39,660
No, I haven't.
505
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:42,220
You've been sending emails
to Mummy's friend Veronica.
506
00:26:42,259 --> 00:26:43,780
- I haven't!
- Yes, you have.
507
00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:47,020
Don't lie. Listen, this is the last time
I'm going to say this -
508
00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:49,740
you have got to stop making things up.
509
00:26:49,779 --> 00:26:51,540
- Pete?
- I have not.
510
00:26:51,579 --> 00:26:52,980
Don't make me cross.
511
00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:56,220
You've been sending emails
to Mummy's friend, Veronica.
512
00:26:56,259 --> 00:26:57,700
- I haven't.
- Yes, you have.
513
00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:59,060
Pete!
514
00:26:59,099 --> 00:27:02,100
..and Veronica is particularly cross
because she didn't want...
515
00:27:02,139 --> 00:27:03,620
Peter!
516
00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:09,580
Ben, I just need to borrow Daddy
for a minute.
517
00:27:11,580 --> 00:27:13,460
(Ben) Stupid.
518
00:27:25,499 --> 00:27:26,620
lt wasn't him.
519
00:27:26,660 --> 00:27:28,420
Then it was Jake?
520
00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:33,380
No, it was me who sent the email,
521
00:27:33,419 --> 00:27:36,420
because Veronica sent me an email
522
00:27:36,459 --> 00:27:39,500
that was just full
of the most unreasonable demands,
523
00:27:39,539 --> 00:27:43,300
so I fired something pretty explosive back,
524
00:27:43,339 --> 00:27:45,180
and then she rang me up in a total funk,
525
00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:47,780
and I was worried that she might sack me.
526
00:27:47,819 --> 00:27:53,860
How can we stop him behaving
like some sort of junior Jeffrey Archer,
527
00:27:53,899 --> 00:27:57,220
if you cannot even set an example?
528
00:27:57,259 --> 00:28:00,500
Well, he doesn't need to know.
529
00:28:00,539 --> 00:28:02,780
I'm sorry, I just lost it.
530
00:28:02,819 --> 00:28:05,860
- Like you did in the road rage.
- Oh, here we go. You are so pompous!
531
00:28:05,899 --> 00:28:09,900
lf you...could just make
a bit more of an effort,
532
00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:13,660
if you could exercise
just a modicum of self-control,
533
00:28:13,699 --> 00:28:18,420
then you wouldn't end up
having to lie your way out of trouble.
534
00:28:18,459 --> 00:28:22,700
When am I going to have that
five-pound note you promised me
535
00:28:22,740 --> 00:28:25,140
for getting out of the house this morning?
536
00:28:27,020 --> 00:28:29,820
Now, what have I just told you
about not lying?
537
00:28:32,099 --> 00:28:33,740
He's getting worse.
538
00:28:33,790 --> 00:28:38,340
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