All language subtitles for Outnumbered s01e01 The School Run.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:03,800 Ben? Ben, have you seen my keys? 2 00:00:04,799 --> 00:00:07,560 Keys, keys, keys, ke... 3 00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:10,640 Oh, for God's sake! 4 00:00:10,679 --> 00:00:12,520 Ben and Karen! 5 00:00:14,919 --> 00:00:16,680 No bin bag! 6 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:18,600 Brilliant! 7 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:19,680 (Children arguing) 8 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:25,520 Ben and Karen, are you getting ready? We've missed the walking bus...again. 9 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,120 Gonna have to take the car. 10 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,840 Shoes, teeth and hair! 11 00:00:30,879 --> 00:00:32,200 Why can't people just leave... 12 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,840 What are you doing with Daddy's computer? 13 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,720 I'm taking it to show and tell. 14 00:00:36,759 --> 00:00:39,840 No, you're not, show and telI's on Friday and today's Tuesday. 15 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,160 But they changed it. 16 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,600 No, they haven't... Have they? 17 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,120 - Yes. - When did they change it? 18 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,520 - Last Wednesday. - Who changed it? 19 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,880 Problems on the District line. 20 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,440 - Let go, we're gonna put it back. - I really wanna take it. 21 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:52,800 - You can't take it. - People take pets! 22 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,600 Come outside and put... Ben, look, you'll break it. 23 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,080 - Can I take this for history week? - No, you can't take it. 24 00:01:01,119 --> 00:01:03,960 - (Radio crackling) - Turn it off. Turn it off! 25 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,760 Ben, you're just doing my head in now. Go and get your shoes on. 26 00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:08,600 Nothing between here and Tower Hill. 27 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,080 What is it this time - wrong sort of trains? 28 00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:14,640 Staff shortages? 29 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,280 How can that be? 30 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:19,320 Every kid wants to be a train driver. 31 00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:21,000 Oh, hi, Viv, it's Sue. 32 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,600 Yeah, I was just wondering whether you knew if they've changed show and tell to Tuesday. 33 00:01:28,519 --> 00:01:34,680 No, it's OK. Don't panic, it's probably just Ben making things up again. 34 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,880 Could you check with Josh? 35 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,040 Great, thank you. 36 00:01:39,079 --> 00:01:43,520 Mum, it's ten past eight and I don't want to be late for my first day of big school. 37 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,920 Don't worry, matey, you'll be fine. 38 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,000 Ben and Karen, are you getting ready? 39 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:53,960 Yeah? They haven't changed show and tell. Thanks, OK, I'll see you later. 40 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,320 - Bye. - Why does he lie like that? 41 00:01:56,359 --> 00:02:00,240 l dunno. Some kids fib as an attention-seeking strategy. 42 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,280 But that is hardly the point, is it? 43 00:02:08,599 --> 00:02:10,200 What are you doing? 44 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,520 Please don't do that, don't check your email. 45 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,120 - This is from Veronica. - Especially not one from Veronica. 46 00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:17,560 lf you hadn't checked, you wouldn't know it was there. 47 00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,440 - I need to read this. - There's no time. 48 00:02:19,479 --> 00:02:22,040 Three days a week you're meant to be working for that woman. 49 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,600 Oh, no, no, Veronica, I am not having that! 50 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:28,880 Oh, don't reply, because that is fatal! 51 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:33,960 lf you reply, she'll reply to your reply and you'll be tempted to reply to her reply 52 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:39,200 and you'll find yourself trapped in that... Pandora's circle. 53 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,160 Daddy. 54 00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:44,040 - Oh, hello. - Where's my other shoe? 55 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,440 l don't know. Where did you put it - can you remember? 56 00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:47,680 No. 57 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,160 What's a hypocrite? 58 00:02:51,199 --> 00:02:52,840 Well, er... 59 00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:56,360 if, for example, I'd said you mustn't eat all the cake, 60 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,240 and then I ate all the cake myself, then I'd be a hypocrite. 61 00:03:01,159 --> 00:03:03,520 What's a twat? 62 00:03:05,039 --> 00:03:06,680 Twat. 63 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,680 It's not a very nice word for children to use. 64 00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:11,480 Where did you hear that - have you been watching Trisha? 65 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,160 No, last night when you were arguing with Mum. 66 00:03:15,199 --> 00:03:18,120 Well, Mummies and Daddies do argue sometimes, don't they? 67 00:03:18,159 --> 00:03:20,000 You shout sometimes, don't you? 68 00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:23,520 Did you... Did you hear any other words? 69 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:28,280 There were some other words that I heard but I just can't remember them. 70 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,440 - Good. - Something about midlife. 71 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:36,520 Something about...pillock, 72 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:41,080 and...there's pillock and... 73 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,120 another word. 74 00:03:44,199 --> 00:03:46,080 l think it's ponk. 75 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,480 And there was one and it was tight-bum. 76 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:56,040 Right, well, probably best not to use those too often. 77 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,200 Why don't you go off and find your shoe? 78 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,400 What was all that about? 79 00:04:02,439 --> 00:04:04,120 Look, I'm really... 80 00:04:04,159 --> 00:04:06,920 I'm really sorry about last night. It's just... 81 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,520 No, it was me. 82 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:10,560 - No. - It was me. 83 00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,800 No, because I hadn't thought it through properly. 84 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,840 - That's true, but it was me. - No, it was me. It was me. It's usually me. 85 00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:20,560 - It was mostly me. - Well, yeah... 86 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,480 - Tight-bum. - Ponk. 87 00:04:23,519 --> 00:04:25,480 (Whirring) 88 00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:27,520 Ben, put that down! 89 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,080 It's for show and tell. 90 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,680 r It's not for... It is not for show and tell 91 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,880 because A, you could hurt someone with that, 92 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,160 B, it's Daddy's, and C, show and tell is still on Fridays. 93 00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:39,040 A, B, C, D... 94 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,880 l, G, H, M... 95 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,880 - I've warned you about lying, haven't l, Ben? - Ignore. 96 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,520 - No one likes little boys who lie. - Ignore. 97 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:54,120 - You know what happened to Pinocchio? - He's a cartoon, he's not real! 98 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,840 - Q, R, T... - You've got to stop lying. 99 00:04:57,879 --> 00:05:03,280 You have to stop lying, Ben, because nobody likes little boys who lie, do they? 100 00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,040 Some people do. 101 00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:08,600 Ross likes me, Nathan likes me, Deion likes me. 102 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:13,160 Well, we all like you, Ben, but the point of the story of Pinocchio was... 103 00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:16,480 The person who looks after me isn't called Gepetto, 104 00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:21,120 and I don't live in a little hut in the forest. 105 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:26,440 No, but... You could if you carry on like... Look, we're going off at a tangent here. 106 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,960 Why don't you just go and get your school book, go on. 107 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,200 Can I take your staple gun? 108 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,040 You are to go nowhere near my staple gun! 109 00:05:33,079 --> 00:05:35,400 - (Phone) - Mum, come on! 110 00:05:36,399 --> 00:05:37,440 - Hello? - Sue? 111 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,480 - Oh, hi, Dad, everything OK? - I forgot to put the bins out. 112 00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:44,000 No, you don't have to put the bins out today. Bin day's Friday. 113 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,400 No, today's Tuesday, Dad. 114 00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:54,240 No, no. No, no, no, listen, don't worry, because I get the days of the week mixed up. 115 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:58,600 Look, don't get anxious, it's fine. 116 00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:00,320 Dad, I found a letter for you. 117 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,040 Oh, thanks. 118 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,440 Right. 119 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:06,800 Aren't you gonna look at it? 120 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:10,480 No, it's boring stuff. I'll look at it later. 121 00:06:10,519 --> 00:06:12,000 A postcard from Auntie Angela. 122 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,880 - Mm-hm. - We're gonna be late, aren't we? 123 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,280 No, we'll be fine. 124 00:06:15,319 --> 00:06:19,640 Yeah, right! Can I get a note saying Jake was late cos his family's useless? 125 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,560 - Ben? - (laughs) 126 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,000 Come on, Ben, what are you doing? We've gotta get going. 127 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,000 l made these pictures for you at school. 128 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,720 Oh, lovely. That's a lovely picture of... 129 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,720 What is it of? 130 00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,160 A cow. 131 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,240 A cow... 132 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:48,480 Killing some people cos it doesn't want to be made into food. 133 00:06:48,519 --> 00:06:54,640 He's ripping their heads off and their arms and shooting them and... 134 00:06:54,680 --> 00:07:01,280 That one is of people getting hurt because... 135 00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:06,600 and the cow's killing them cos the cow doesn't want to be made into food, 136 00:07:06,639 --> 00:07:09,200 because I don't like burgers. 137 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,560 They're made out of cows and pigs and stuff like that, 138 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,000 so that's why I drawed the pictures. 139 00:07:17,639 --> 00:07:21,240 That makes sense. I'm gonna keep hold of that one - a special one. 140 00:07:21,279 --> 00:07:23,520 There's these. 141 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,920 Aren't they lovely. D'you know what I'm gonna do... 142 00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:29,480 Ben, I told you to stay away from my staple gun, didn't l? 143 00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:31,840 Come on, darling, go and get your shoes. 144 00:07:31,879 --> 00:07:37,000 I'm gonna really look at them all and have a good think about them, especially this one, 145 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,400 and you're gonna go and find your shoe. Off you go. 146 00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:41,040 We need to get to school. Off you go. 147 00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:43,000 That's lovely. 148 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,640 That's weird! 149 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,200 That kid is taking it right to the edge. 150 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,520 Ty not to have a go at him, he'll have a screamy fit and we don't have the time. 151 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,880 l wasn't planning... 152 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,760 My ruler's not transparent and I need a transparent ruler. 153 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,080 Ben, I can't hear any movement. 154 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,480 Mum, the list says l need to have a transparent ruler. 155 00:08:03,519 --> 00:08:07,080 Don't worry, I know exactly where to find one. 156 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,080 (Jake) For God's sakes! 157 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:16,360 Pete, Pete...just...just easy, easy. 158 00:08:16,399 --> 00:08:18,920 - Easy what? - It's his first day at seconday school, 159 00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:22,720 we don't want to make him any more nervous, so, just easy does it. 160 00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:27,320 Don't do the over-cheerful thing, or the bouny walk or call him Jakester 161 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,800 or squire or materoony, just easy does it. 162 00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:35,880 Just try and be a bit more natural, a bit less self-conscious. 163 00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:37,800 Have you seen my keys? 164 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,680 - No. - I left them here this morning. 165 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,280 I'm sorry, I can't help you. 166 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,880 I'm concentrating on not being self-conscious. 167 00:08:44,919 --> 00:08:50,040 Ben, have you been hiding my keys again? Karen, have you seen my keys? 168 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,720 No. 169 00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:55,000 Jake? 170 00:08:55,039 --> 00:09:00,560 One, transparent...ruler. 171 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,320 There you go, squi... 172 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960 - You got everything? - I think so. 173 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,240 Mum, we need to get going. 174 00:09:07,279 --> 00:09:11,040 Well, it would be a lot easier to get going if somebody hadn't moved the car keys, 175 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,360 but, as somebody's very helpfully moved them. 176 00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:15,600 - (Keys rattle) - OK, found them, let's go. 177 00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:17,440 - Where were they? - Doesn't matter. 178 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,680 Ben! 179 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,200 Sorry about all the chaos, Jake. 180 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,240 - Are you excited? - Excited? 181 00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:26,040 Well, first day at big school. You're with the big boys now. 182 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,760 I'm not. They'll all be bigger than me. 183 00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:30,960 - Of course they won't. - There's not gonna be many smaller than me. 184 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,160 Tim Green's staking, he's smaller than you. 185 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,400 But he's got dwarfism. 186 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,480 l know. 187 00:09:37,519 --> 00:09:39,640 He's still smaller than you. 188 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,800 Why doesn't Jake go to the school that you teach? 189 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,160 Why doesn't Jake go to the school that I teach in? 190 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,240 - It's so I don't get hurt. - Well, there is that, I suppose. 191 00:09:52,279 --> 00:10:00,880 Some of the kids at Daddy's school tend to be a bit...silly, silly with weapons, 192 00:10:00,919 --> 00:10:04,480 especially if you're related to a teacher. But, anyway, that is big school. 193 00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:07,400 No one's gonna be silly with weapons at your school. 194 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,040 ls a fork a weapon? 195 00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:12,240 A fork. 196 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,400 How would you use a fork as a weapon? 197 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,600 Mm, you could stab like that. 198 00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:21,880 Come on, come on, get your wings off, time to get ready. 199 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,960 Oh, no, you're not doing it again?! 200 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,960 Veronica's pushing her luck this time, because she knows Martin deal with compliance. 201 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,640 She knows that. It will take ten seconds. 202 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:33,800 lt will not take ten seconds! 203 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,480 (Jake) OK, I'm gonna wait outside by the car now. 204 00:10:38,399 --> 00:10:39,960 Pyow! Pyow! 205 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,240 That's just a piece of the vacuum cleaner. 206 00:10:43,279 --> 00:10:49,000 No, it isn't, it's my gun. My gun can kill anything, especially fairies. 207 00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:51,720 - Put it back! - It can destroy a planet. 208 00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:54,520 Yes, but look, all it is is a tube. 209 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,000 Just a tube going round and round. 210 00:10:58,039 --> 00:11:03,240 That's where you put the bullet in. This gun is more powemul than anything. 211 00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:05,320 That could definitely kill a fairy. 212 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,240 No, it can't, cos fairies are magical and they'd kill you before you kill them. 213 00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:10,920 How? 214 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,520 Do they have a gun? 215 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:14,360 Do they have anything that can kill me? 216 00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:17,960 Yes, they fly down your throat and turn your heart into a pumpkin, 217 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,920 and then your blood stops running and then you die. 218 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,080 That's not possible. 219 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:27,120 Yes, and also they go inside with their mini big axes 220 00:11:27,159 --> 00:11:31,120 then they chop your bones in half until you can't move and just collapse. 221 00:11:31,159 --> 00:11:33,520 You're just being silly now. 222 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,080 I'm not! 223 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,840 Look, we really don't have time for this, I'm sorry. 224 00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:43,000 Come on, guys! We're definitely gonna be late. 225 00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:46,480 And you see, it isn't fair on your son. 226 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,120 It's done. 227 00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:50,960 Out the door time, everybody. 228 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,840 Come on, wagons roll. 229 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,080 Wrong shoes. Wrong shoes on wrong feet. 230 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,240 (Jake) Come on, guys, we're going to be late! 231 00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:03,760 Oh, no, you're not itching your head again. It's not nits again, is it? Let's have a look. 232 00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:05,920 (Quietly) Oh, God! 233 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,400 No, you're fine, off you go. 234 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,360 Come on, guys! 235 00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:12,160 (Karen) Are you sure I haven't got nits? 236 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,720 Rah! 237 00:12:13,759 --> 00:12:15,200 Oh, give me the drill. 238 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,720 - No. - Give me... Give me the drill. 239 00:12:17,759 --> 00:12:20,720 Give me my drill! 240 00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:21,920 Drop it. Give me the drill. 241 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,120 Don't scream. Don't scream. 242 00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:29,040 Can you just sit down properly. Put your bottom in the seat and sit down. 243 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,840 (Jake) It's now 8:13. 244 00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:34,320 All right, look, you can take the drill in the car, 245 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,800 as long as you promise to leave it there when we get to school, OK? 246 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,840 Um... No. 247 00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:42,880 - Gimme the drill. - No. 248 00:12:42,919 --> 00:12:45,560 Come on, give me the... I need the drill. Give me the drill! 249 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:51,160 Right, drop it and come now, or we'll just leave you here on your own. 250 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:59,960 Right, you can stay here on your own... all day, with nothing to do. 251 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,360 let's see how you like that. 252 00:13:02,399 --> 00:13:04,360 I'll have lots to do. 253 00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:07,120 Bye, Ben. 254 00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:08,480 Bye. 255 00:13:08,519 --> 00:13:10,240 (Sighs) 256 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:13,560 (Sighs) 257 00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:17,240 Where's... 258 00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:22,440 Oh, no, you haven't tried the we're leaving you behind ploy - we're on a deadline! 259 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,040 Don't worry, he'll be here in a sec, trust me. 260 00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,600 OK. 261 00:13:53,639 --> 00:13:55,720 (Ringtone) 262 00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,160 Hello. 263 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,440 Oh, hi, lou. 264 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,640 Bring your granny to school day? 265 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:05,720 No, I don't think so. 266 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,720 Oh, Ben told Brittney, did he? 267 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,080 Look, Ben, this is Jake's first day at big school. 268 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,280 So, it's a big day for him, 269 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:22,920 so we don't want any shouting or screaming, so give me the drill. 270 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,880 Give me the drill. Give me the drill. 271 00:14:25,919 --> 00:14:27,600 Give me the drill. 272 00:14:27,639 --> 00:14:29,960 I'll give you a fiver if you give me the drill. 273 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,960 Yes, yes, yes! 274 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,200 No, that's the school caretaker, sweetheart. 275 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,840 George Bush is the president of the United States. 276 00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:39,400 ln you go. 277 00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:45,440 How did you do that? 278 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,240 You know. 279 00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,760 Help him with the seat belt, will you, Jake. 280 00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,880 You're gonna like this school, Jake. 281 00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:55,600 D'you know, it is a really good school. 282 00:14:55,639 --> 00:14:59,600 For every seven kids that try to get in, only one is accepted. 283 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,800 Not that that means you're under any pressure. 284 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,680 No, you've just got to relax and be yourself. 285 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,120 The most important this is that you enjoy. 286 00:15:07,159 --> 00:15:10,480 And if anybody asks you where you live, you give them Grandad's address. 287 00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,080 (Sirens) 288 00:15:18,879 --> 00:15:22,400 I'm really sorry, Veronica, it's my fault. 289 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,680 l should never have shown Ben how to reply to an email. 290 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,680 He keeps... 291 00:15:28,799 --> 00:15:32,040 Yeah, yeah, he does know words like that. 292 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,280 And that. 293 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:41,480 No, I don't think he has ever met you, so I don't know why he mentioned your... 294 00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:43,840 - Yo, dude. - Don't do that. 295 00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,960 - (Sue) ..been a lucky guess. - How was your first day at school? 296 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,560 - All right. - (Sue) Bye. 297 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,360 Who's your form teacher? 298 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:53,920 All right. 299 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,960 Good, glad we sorted all that out. 300 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,080 Hiya, everything OK? 301 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:04,320 Yep, Jake has been talking my ears off about his first day at school. 302 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,320 - Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak. - Right. 303 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,320 l popped in on your dad on the way home. 304 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,880 Oh, did you? Thanks. Had he remembered to eat? 305 00:16:11,919 --> 00:16:16,880 Yeah, and I've put a sign, a big sign on his fridge saying ''Don't forget to eat''. 306 00:16:16,919 --> 00:16:17,920 That's a good idea. 307 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,200 Although maybe l should've stuck it on the TV. 308 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,160 He only goes to the fridge when he's remembered to eat anyway. 309 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,240 Or in the toilet. He has to go to the toilet. 310 00:16:25,279 --> 00:16:27,880 No, he's OK. He's doing fine. 311 00:16:27,919 --> 00:16:29,960 Good. Trousers on the right way round? 312 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,800 Trousers on the right way round. 313 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,160 (Karen) Mum? 314 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:37,920 So, Ben sent an email pretending to be you? 315 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,800 Well, it... 316 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,400 (Karen) Mum! 317 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,760 She's got nits. 318 00:16:42,799 --> 00:16:45,560 - I'm halfway through. - Oh, bloody hell! 319 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,920 It's these parents, they know their kids have got them 320 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,160 and they just merrily pack them off to school. 321 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,640 l know, I know. 322 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,680 This the remains of the spag bol, Jake? 323 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,080 Oh, never mind. 324 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,240 Ah, the old what I did in the holidays composition, eh? 325 00:17:01,279 --> 00:17:04,120 l don't think our English department do that. 326 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,440 l don't think Year 7 can spell car-jacking. 327 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,880 Actually, d'you think your teachers really wanna know about our wing mirror... 328 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,880 ..well, eventual lack of wing mirror incident? 329 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,000 Why not? I mean, that's what we did in the holidays, isn't it? 330 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:22,400 Yeah, but it's not exactly...''road rage,'' is it? 331 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,080 Well, there was a road and there was rage, wasn't there? 332 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:29,360 Yeah, but I don't think I want people to know about that, Jake. 333 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,400 You wouldn't want me to put stories about you up on YouTube, would you? 334 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,840 You wouldn't know how to do that. 335 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:44,040 Do you think I could keep a nit for a pet, because it's not very big? 336 00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:47,000 No, you can't have a nit for a pet. 337 00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:48,960 Just one. 338 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,960 lt wouldn't be much good for a pet, would they? 339 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,280 You can't really play with a nit, can you? 340 00:17:55,319 --> 00:18:00,400 You could play... like l-spy. 341 00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,200 - l-spy? - Yeah. 342 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,480 But they can't talk, can they? 343 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:10,320 They can, in nit language. 344 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,160 ln nit language, and what do they say? 345 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,200 They say small things. 346 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,480 Small things? 347 00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:22,680 Ooh, disgusting creatures! 348 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,200 You can't have one as a pet. 349 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,440 Right, well, first off, road rage is two words, it's not one. 350 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,880 You don't spell psychopathic like that, 351 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:34,400 and I can't remember your mother saying that. 352 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,720 That, yep. 353 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,120 And that, but not that. 354 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,800 - And actually, while we're about it... - (Phone) 355 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,400 Why isn't the phone in the cradle? 356 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,160 Why doesn't anybody put the phone in the cradle? 357 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,880 It's easy enough, isn't it? It's where it lives. 358 00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:05,120 Aargh! 359 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,400 Ah! 360 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,240 Hello. 361 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,840 Yep, that's me. 362 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,880 Er, no, london Electricity provide my gas. 363 00:19:24,519 --> 00:19:27,640 Or is it london Gas who provide my electricity? 364 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,520 D'you know, I'm sorry, I can't really remember. 365 00:19:30,559 --> 00:19:35,040 Oh, and he's picked up the phone to a cold caller. Classic schoolboy error. 366 00:19:35,079 --> 00:19:37,240 - Shh! - Classic mistake, Dad. 367 00:19:37,279 --> 00:19:40,040 I would like to pay less for my energy. 368 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:44,440 Don't get involved, Dad, it's just stupid. They call at six o'clock at night... 369 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,320 - Get on, I know what I'm doing. - No, you don't. 370 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:48,800 Shh, get on with that. 371 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:53,120 Sorry, could you say that again, I missed a bit about units. 372 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,000 What can I get as a pet then? 373 00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:59,680 Oh, we can't really have pets at the moment, darling. 374 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,280 Why can't we get like a giraffe? 375 00:20:02,319 --> 00:20:04,600 A giraffe? 376 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,440 We could keep it outside. 377 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,440 Well, no, because giraffes are a bit big, aren't they, darling? 378 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,800 What about then a...lion? 379 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,360 A lion? 380 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,520 Yeah. 381 00:20:17,559 --> 00:20:21,120 Well...they might be a bit on the dangerous side, my lovely. 382 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,680 What about a, erm...puffin? 383 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,840 A puffin? 384 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,480 Well, you're well lucky, you don't have to wear a uniform. 385 00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:33,800 It's weird. 386 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:35,240 (Whistles) 387 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,600 I'm sorry, I gotta go, my dad's making stupid faces at me. 388 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,680 - Get on with your homework. - I am. 389 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:54,160 No, your not, you're listening to your Ipod, you're MSNing, and you're watching television. 390 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,480 Well, I can do stuff cos I'm a kid, I can muIt'itask. 391 00:20:57,519 --> 00:21:00,960 No, you can't, actually, because I read an article in the New Scientist, 392 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,240 that said even though they do it all the time, 393 00:21:03,279 --> 00:21:06,960 teenagers' brains are not suited to multitasking. 394 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,960 Whereas, men in their mid forties, like me, actually are surprisingly... 395 00:21:14,759 --> 00:21:16,160 Surprisingly, what? 396 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,640 Sorry, there was something...on the TV. 397 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,680 I tell you what, you do your homework, I'll do mine, how's that? 398 00:21:26,599 --> 00:21:30,520 Why can't I keep like a nit in my hair? 399 00:21:30,559 --> 00:21:35,400 Then it will lay babies and then it'll be like a little town in my hair. 400 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,640 You can't...have a... 401 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,200 Town in your hair. 402 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,680 No, you can't have a nit town in your hair. 403 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,640 Oh, that is unbelievable. 404 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,800 Un...believable! 405 00:21:49,079 --> 00:21:53,800 Melanie Watts has confused Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Elizabeth II. 406 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,120 She must've typed the wrong queen number into Google. 407 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,800 Your first day at school OK then? 408 00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:07,200 Yeah. 409 00:22:10,519 --> 00:22:13,200 The Virgin Queen has got four children now. 410 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,960 Ooh, one of them's a helicopter pilot. 411 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,760 - Dad, Dad... - Mm? 412 00:22:18,799 --> 00:22:21,080 Would bullets kill a fairy? 413 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:22,960 Yeah, you could kill a fairy with bullets. 414 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,280 Would a machine gun kill a fairy? 415 00:22:26,319 --> 00:22:28,680 Yeah, you kill pretty well everything with a machine gun. 416 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,920 Would...a bazooka kill a fairy? 417 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,400 Yeah, big bazooka, that'll get 'em. 418 00:22:34,599 --> 00:22:35,880 (Clatter) 419 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,120 - What are you... - Sorry! 420 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:43,360 Ben, just pick it up and put it on the shelf. You're lucky your mum didn't see that. 421 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,840 (Ben) What about an atom bomb? 422 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,920 (Pete) An atom bomb would kill everything pretty well - fairies, elves... 423 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,680 - Can I watch little Britain? - No. 424 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,760 - Prison Break? - No. 425 00:22:52,799 --> 00:22:53,800 The Sopranos? 426 00:22:58,519 --> 00:23:01,000 Where's the dinosaur book? 427 00:23:04,039 --> 00:23:06,680 It's here but you can't have it. 428 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,160 - Why? - Because it's one of my days. 429 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,000 l wrote it all down at the back. 430 00:23:13,039 --> 00:23:14,120 When are my days? 431 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,520 They're your days, 432 00:23:15,559 --> 00:23:17,760 and today's not any of your days. 433 00:23:17,799 --> 00:23:19,920 The wíldebeest seem líttle concerned. 434 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,280 - What's this? - Attenborough. 435 00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:25,240 The wildebeest is such an idiot. 436 00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:28,280 He's just seen his mate being torn to pieces by a crocodile, 437 00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,520 and he's drinking from exactly the same place. 438 00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:33,280 It's amazing what some animals will do to get on the telly. 439 00:23:33,319 --> 00:23:35,880 - So, today went well then? - Yeah, fine. 440 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,720 How did Tim Green get on? Anybody mention the dwarfism thing? 441 00:23:40,759 --> 00:23:45,160 Not really, but some boy started singing ''hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go''. 442 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,280 That's not very nice. 443 00:23:46,319 --> 00:23:49,120 l know, but it's a school, Dad, that's what happens. 444 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,120 - What else is on? - Nothing. 445 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,240 Come on, we've got 47 channels, there must be something half decent. 446 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,120 (Man3 Day 65,,, 447 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:00,520 (Crowd cheeríng) 448 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,080 (Woman) More celebríty gossíp... 449 00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:06,880 This is one of my days, so you can't have it. 450 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,320 I've got it. 451 00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,400 Give it back. Give it back! 452 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200 (Woman) ..wín a dream home... 453 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,800 (Man) I'm your host... 454 00:24:14,839 --> 00:24:17,520 (Woman) ..the death of Princess Diana. 455 00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:20,840 No, you're right. Let's stick with Attenborough. 456 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,000 ..seven metres ín a síngle bound. 457 00:24:23,039 --> 00:24:25,360 My money is on the cheetah. 458 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,600 Oh, no, Dad, you know the impala's going to escape. 459 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,440 The cheetah's the fastest land mammal. 460 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,000 - It's not getting away. - It can move quicker. 461 00:24:32,039 --> 00:24:34,600 The impala would have to be on a motorbike. Come on. 462 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,840 - No, the impala's more agile. - (Phone) 463 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,280 Come on, my spotty friend. 464 00:24:38,319 --> 00:24:40,440 He's gonna escape. Come on, you impala. 465 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,080 All the way, all the way, round the tree. 466 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,480 - Hello? - Dad, he escaped! 467 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,440 Yes, hello. 468 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,840 Yes, I did get it. 469 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,680 Yeah, I know it needs sorting out, 470 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,120 but I'm seeing you tomorrow, so... 471 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:01,360 No, look, this really isn't a very good time to call, so... 472 00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:06,480 Yes, yes, I will see you tomorrow. 473 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:15,200 - Who was that? - Cold caller. 474 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,920 An email from Angela. 475 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,200 The impala won, Dad. 476 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,000 - (Thud overhead) - Give it now! 477 00:25:20,039 --> 00:25:22,400 Oh, bloody hellfire! 478 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,200 (Ben) Go back to my room. (Karen) Give it back! 479 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,080 - I told you the impala would win. - You said the cheetah. 480 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:29,960 - No, I said the impala. - What is going on? 481 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,760 What's happening? Karen, what's happening? 482 00:25:32,799 --> 00:25:34,400 He's got my dinosaur book! 483 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,080 - But that's your sharing dinosaur book. - Look, Karen! 484 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,920 Upstairs, upstairs. 485 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,000 - He said... - Ignore him, he's just being silly. 486 00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:45,400 - I wanted my dinosaur... - Ignore him, Karen. 487 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,440 - That's my one. - Let's go. 488 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,400 OK, Benny, don't get too comfortable, it's bed time. 489 00:25:51,839 --> 00:25:55,600 How do you know we're not a character from somebody's dream 490 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,800 or from a story book? 491 00:25:57,839 --> 00:26:00,480 How do we know we're not a character from somebody's dream? 492 00:26:00,519 --> 00:26:03,760 I can't imagine anyone having a dream this dull, can you? 493 00:26:03,799 --> 00:26:08,920 I remember the time when I had a dream that Karen was walking to the kitchen 494 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,400 and then I woke up. 495 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,040 That's almost more dull than this, isn't it, in fact? 496 00:26:15,079 --> 00:26:16,120 - Yes. - Yeah. 497 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,960 What was going on with you and Karen? What was all that about? 498 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,880 She started it - she hit me with a baseball bat. 499 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:27,360 Ben, d'you know, we... We have got to have a chat about you making things up. 500 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,280 You're always making things up. 501 00:26:29,319 --> 00:26:30,400 like what? 502 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,040 like you telling your friend Sammy that I was a trained assassin. 503 00:26:34,179 --> 00:26:38,340 And now, you've been sending emails pretending to be Mummy. 504 00:26:38,379 --> 00:26:39,660 No, I haven't. 505 00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:42,220 You've been sending emails to Mummy's friend Veronica. 506 00:26:42,259 --> 00:26:43,780 - I haven't! - Yes, you have. 507 00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:47,020 Don't lie. Listen, this is the last time I'm going to say this - 508 00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:49,740 you have got to stop making things up. 509 00:26:49,779 --> 00:26:51,540 - Pete? - I have not. 510 00:26:51,579 --> 00:26:52,980 Don't make me cross. 511 00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:56,220 You've been sending emails to Mummy's friend, Veronica. 512 00:26:56,259 --> 00:26:57,700 - I haven't. - Yes, you have. 513 00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:59,060 Pete! 514 00:26:59,099 --> 00:27:02,100 ..and Veronica is particularly cross because she didn't want... 515 00:27:02,139 --> 00:27:03,620 Peter! 516 00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:09,580 Ben, I just need to borrow Daddy for a minute. 517 00:27:11,580 --> 00:27:13,460 (Ben) Stupid. 518 00:27:25,499 --> 00:27:26,620 lt wasn't him. 519 00:27:26,660 --> 00:27:28,420 Then it was Jake? 520 00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:33,380 No, it was me who sent the email, 521 00:27:33,419 --> 00:27:36,420 because Veronica sent me an email 522 00:27:36,459 --> 00:27:39,500 that was just full of the most unreasonable demands, 523 00:27:39,539 --> 00:27:43,300 so I fired something pretty explosive back, 524 00:27:43,339 --> 00:27:45,180 and then she rang me up in a total funk, 525 00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:47,780 and I was worried that she might sack me. 526 00:27:47,819 --> 00:27:53,860 How can we stop him behaving like some sort of junior Jeffrey Archer, 527 00:27:53,899 --> 00:27:57,220 if you cannot even set an example? 528 00:27:57,259 --> 00:28:00,500 Well, he doesn't need to know. 529 00:28:00,539 --> 00:28:02,780 I'm sorry, I just lost it. 530 00:28:02,819 --> 00:28:05,860 - Like you did in the road rage. - Oh, here we go. You are so pompous! 531 00:28:05,899 --> 00:28:09,900 lf you...could just make a bit more of an effort, 532 00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:13,660 if you could exercise just a modicum of self-control, 533 00:28:13,699 --> 00:28:18,420 then you wouldn't end up having to lie your way out of trouble. 534 00:28:18,459 --> 00:28:22,700 When am I going to have that five-pound note you promised me 535 00:28:22,740 --> 00:28:25,140 for getting out of the house this morning? 536 00:28:27,020 --> 00:28:29,820 Now, what have I just told you about not lying? 537 00:28:32,099 --> 00:28:33,740 He's getting worse. 538 00:28:33,790 --> 00:28:38,340 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42313

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