All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e16 Civil War.eng

sync & correction by f1nc0
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[news intro music]

I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I was raised by a butler.

This week, former Trump adviser
Omarosa Manigault Newman

released a tell-all book
about President Trump,

something all sentient beings
saw coming the day he hired her.

She joins us now.

Thank you for having me, Anderson.
I'm not asking for much.

Just the attention of every
human being on this planet

and all of the money.

You're insane, and somehow
the most credible person

to work in this White House.

Omarosa recorded secret tapes
of Trump and his advisers.

We have not verified
their authenticity,

but, in our defense,
we really want to hear them.

_

Do you think President Trump
is fit for office?

- Keep in mind, he hired you.
- I don't, Anderson.

And that is why I'm running
for president in 2020.

After serving, my library will
proudly display my frozen head.

The next tape is a phone call
to Omarosa from the President

after she had been fired.

_

I'm being told the President
has just released this tape

which he says, get this, puts
Omarosa's credibility in doubt.

I haven't listened yet, but
there's no way it's not stupid.

- I'm Anderson Cooper.
- No, you're not.

Get out of there.

_

Anderson, I have a confession.
That's me on that tape.

No, it's not, Omarosa.

Coming up,
would Americans prefer

Mike Pence or Donald Trump
as president?

It's a decision
no developed country

should ask its citizens to make.

[music]

[mariachi music]

Oh, no! MS-13!

1x16 - Civil War

As President Trump makes a play

to be the Dalai Lama of
racism, a new poll shows that

given the choice between
Donald Trump and Mike Pence,

a majority of Americans prefer
Pence to serve as president.

The poll was conducted
just after Mike Pence

delivered these soaring remarks.

I believe America is still
a shining city upon a hill.

That was in sharp contrast

to the President's speech
that same day.

America's shiny, but the
light is attracting bugs.

I'm talking about
Mexicans here, folks.

I say we shove our power lines
into the ground

so America's nice and zappy.

Again, the bugs are Mexicans.

The contrast
has Americans wondering

if doctors should put Trump in a
two-year medically induced coma,

triggering the 25th Amendment,

and making Pence our President,

which could be better,
or maybe worse.

I don't know. I'm so tired.

Forget about that nuke
that tips over when it's windy.

We've got bigger problems.

[music]

Oh, what did I do?

You told me to never
sneeze again,

and since the surgery,
I haven't.

Congratulations, Michael,

the American people
prefer you to be president.

So...you gonna take my job?

- No, I...
- Not gonna talk, huh?

That's fine. I have
someone who can get answers.

Hi, there!
[all scream]

[President Trump] So did Pence
confess that he's gonna push me out?

Nah. I waterboarded him
about 130 times.

Around the century mark,
he shoved a letter opener

in my face and begged me
to kill him, and I thought,

"Here comes the confession."
And it just flat out never came.

Oh, well.
Try again tomorrow.

I've already put a drain
in the floor of my office.

In the meantime, I'll show
the American people

that I'm way more
presidential than Mike Pence.

Rapist Mexican immigrants

are plotting
to steal the election, folks.

It's true.
I saw video of myself saying it.

That's why I'm proud to introduce

the Minority
Disenfranchisement Act.

Thank you, Mr. President.
And thank you for coming.

Your notebooks
and tape recorders

will be confiscated
on the way out.

[President Trump] If can't frame
it as disenfranchising minorities,

then how should
I frame it, genius?

Frame it as "preserving
the integrity of our elections."

You want me to lie?

You know presidential historians
nicknamed me "Honest Don."

At the risk of drowning
followed by panicked

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,
we're not asking you to lie.

We're asking you to leave out
the part of the truth

that people won't like.

Oh, hello, Mike.
How was the swim?

With the Lord as my witness,
I'm not trying to take your job.

There he is,
the real Michael Pence.

You know,
I walked those streets.

I know the game.
Lure me in.

Tell me we've got
a big future together.

Before I know it,
you're sitting at that desk

and I'm waking up
in a motel room

with a bloody crowbar in my hand
and a dead runaway

I've never seen before
sprawled across the duvet!

Sir, I am completely happy
as Vice President.

No one's happy to be Vice President.

- It's the Eric of cabinet positions.
- Hey, that's my name, too!

[music]

Karen, during my third drowning-induced
cardiac arrest, I thought,

"I have no eyes for the Oval Office,"

but what about you?
Do you want to be the First Lady?

Oh, no. I don't like
attention unless it's during

the church's Messiah
Macarena Dance Competition.

Exactly. You wouldn't
want to wear

fashion couture dresses,
be on the cover of Redbook,

and introduce your Trinkets for
the Troops cause to the world.

- Right, Karen?
- Aaaahhh!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Sorry, I-I got a little excited.

[inhales deeply, clears throat]

[music]

[Miller] Once again, sir,
I call upon you

to indulge a sausage-based metaphor.

Your beliefs are the scrumptious
viscera inside the sausage,

but Kelly and Pence want you to
wrap them in a sterile casing.

I like the casing. It's shiny
so I can watch myself eat.

But shiny isn't
what got you elected.

You got elected because
you scooped out

America's guts
and did entrail angels

on the presidential debate floor.

You're right. I'm sick of my
words always having to wear a suit.

Tomorrow, they're showing up
to Fox & Friends

wearing a T-shirt and no pants.

Why does this taste like quarters?

Because one of the sausage
workers fell into the vat

- on his way to the arcade.
- Huh.

[munches]

? Three white people
on a couch ?

? It's Fox & Friends ?

First, the P.C. police
protested our all-white tribute

to Motown, and now
they're protesting

his Minority Disenfranchisement Act.

We have the President
on the line to respond.

[President Trump] Thanks, Elizabeth,
but I've decided that the name

"Minority Disenfranchisement
Act" is too tame.

Instead, we're gonna call it
the "Make It Harder

- for Non-Whites to Vote Act."
- My heart is saying "yes,"

but the producer in my
ear is screaming, "God no!"

As long as we're telling the truth,

a storefront psychic
swindled me out of $800,000

and the police can't do anything.

Uh, gotta go.
I can hear Kelly

stomping down the hall.
Love you. Bye.

- Sir...
- I didn't do anything!

[receiver clicks, dial tone]

Are you happy? You just went
on national television,

torpedoed your bill,
and wrote the Democrats'

next campaign ad.

Sure, I'm in a pit,
but if I dig a little deeper,

I'll find a sewage main and
escape through a suburban toilet,

and that toilet is
an appearance on Hannity.

- No!
- No! Mr. President,

I want to show you something.

[music]

- What do you see here?
- A painting of me and the boys

at Roy Cohn's Louis the XVI party?

Why would that be in the White House?

It's our forefathers withholding
voting rights from slaves and women,

but they didn't shout
that part from the rooftops.

They told everyone they were
laying the groundwork

for the greatest nation in history,

and people have been guzzling
that slop ever since.

Do you see it, Donald?

Fine day, Mr. President.

President Franklin?

None of us is above error.

In fact, I dipped
my pen in inkwells

from the Boston seaports
to the River Seine

and all the syphilitic
shanty towns in between.

- Cool.
- But when in

respectable company, I spoke
nary a word about it.

And so the citizenry knows me not

as the Fondler of Prostitutes,

but the Founder of a Nation.

When someone gazes
upon your portrait,

what do you want them
to see other than a neck

that looks like a buffalo
bladder wearing a belt?

So what do you say?

Can I help you code
your abject racism?

I don't trust you.
I don't respect you.

I think your hair is weird.
I think you're weird. Still...

I'm gonna speak
your dumb politician language.

But one move toward my job,

and I'll replace you with a big

animatronic gopher playing tambourine.

[music]

All right, buddy, the key to getting
voters to stomach rancid policy

is smothering it
in a nice linguistic aioli.

For example, what did
we call legislation

that allowed the CIA
to racially profile Muslims?

The "2002 All Muslims
Are Terrorists Compromise"?

- Paul?
- The Patriot Act.

- That's what I said!
- What did we call the mission

- to take out Saddam Hussein?
- I don't know.

"Operation I Likey Da Oil,
I Takey Da Oil"?

Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Just keep using the words
freedom, patriot, and liberty.

I've already forgotten them.
What were they again?

Tatas, beef bucket,
and goofy German?

[President Trump]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

What coin did you eat
too close to bed this time?

- Quarters.
- Then go see a doctor,

if only so I can know your estimated
time of departure from Earth.

Fine.
Get me Dr. Bornstein.

You're not going to a doctor who
calls your organs "doohickies."

[Dr. Conley] Mr. President, any
complaints or concerns about your health?

I'm worried I might live forever.

- And what's your diet?
- Three square meals.

Five rectangular meals.
A handful of flat, oozing snacks.

- Any exercise?
- Constant wild gesticulation.

Sexual history?

Unprotected adult film stars
that I meet at charity events,

and some other stuff Ronan
Farrow's still ferreting out.

Anything else I need to know?

Hmm, well, my teeth
turned to sponges

and my tongue turned to bone.

Every time I blink, it sounds like
someone dropped a book.

Oh, and I ate a bunch of quarters.

You may have
an abdominal obstruction,

but I need to conduct
an ultrasound to know for sure.

No surgeries.

Surgery means Mike Pence
becomes president

and I wake up in Yankee Stadium,

swinging my tie clip
at five angry tigers.

[announcer] In a few moments,
the President will host

a roundtable with the
Congressional Black Caucus.

- Remember, stay on script.
- Relax, Mike.

I know the African-Americans
way better than you.

The State of New York
made me rent to them.

Hey, I got some things
to say about LeBron James!

What?

[announcer] Next on
Knitting with Natalie,

Natalie shows you how
to knit envelopes.

Oooh!

[sighs]

[snoring]

[thunder crashes]
[announcer] We now return to

William Shakespeare's Macbeth

as performed by The Children's
Theatre of Sherman Oaks.

[child Lady Macbeth]
Come, you spirits that tend

on mortal thoughts, unsex me here...

This isn't Natalie.

And fill me from
the crown to the toe

top-full of direst cruelty.

Make thick my blood.

I don't see the clicker.
God must want me to watch this!

Oooooooh!

Well, Mikey, it's for me
time to step aside.

Work hours are 11:00 a.m.
to 3:00 p.m.

If you want something
to eat, scream it.

Oh, and go easy on Putin.

I know it looks like
he's not doing much,

but he's keeping
the lights on around here.

Hold on, Donald.
I haven't been up front with you.

Yes, I want to be president,
but not right now.

Right now, I'm here
to support you

just like you were there
to support me

when it came out
that I supported you

after the Access Hollywood tape.

- You mean it, Mikey?
- I do. Now do you trust me?

Dad?
Ivanka refuses to help me!

My eccentric brother
wants me to reopen

my factory and produce
a Kevlar shirt

that protects him
during sea gull attacks.

- It'd take them one second!
- Eric, we talked about this.

You get one idea per year

and you already mentioned
coffee for kids.

[screams]

Of course, the answer was
right in front of me all along!

Eric doesn't have an
appealing personality, right?

- Yes.
- But Ivanka does.

- Yes.
- When you talk to the press

about policy, describe
it like you would

describe Ivanka and never
mention the Eric parts.

[applause]

We must protect the freedom and
liberty of our patriotic nation

by passing the Fair Elections Act.

It's the same as the
Minority Disenfranchisement Act,

but with a palatable name.

And I couldn't have given it
that sheen of civility

without a little scum-guzzling
fish, Mike Pence.

[applause]

Now I urge Congress
to immediately pass

the Fair Elections Act.
[cheers and applause]

What you said up there,
it was very Ivanka.

We make a good team.

Mr. President,
there's been an incident.

I need you to come with me.

- Can't. Unless you say there's cake.
- There isn't cake.

It doesn't matter
to that part of my brain.

It'll go if you say there's cake.

- There's cake.
- Here we go!

The alt-right is striking
while the racism's hot,

only this time in
Stone Mountain, Georgia,

in support of the
Confederate Memorial Carving.

Tensions are high.

Someone needs to go down there
and gloss things over.

- Not it.
- I'll do it.

- I'm gonna be down there anyway.
- No, you will not.

Sanders, keep him away
from any cameras.

Oh, where the hell did he go?!

Don't worry, I'll get him.
Jeff! Jeff!!

I'd be happy to attend in
your place, Mr. President,

if only so you can
take the high road.

Ooh, the high road!

Sounds like a great perch to
insult people on the low road.

[grumbles]

You're not voicing support?!

You're letting Mike Pence
storm your right flank

and capture your suckling
Confederate pups.

If this happened last week,
I would've been down

there calling them
good men with valid points,

but I no longer say out loud
what I 100% believe.

To think, I was gonna
name you godfather

to my jumping spiders
Nietzsche and Red Pill!

[stomach rumbles]
[groans]

[Dr. Conley] You're developing
a blockage, it's getting worse,

and you need immediate
emergency surgery.

It's a three-hour procedure.

- What's this?
- A letter that triggers

the 25th Amendment
and hands over power

to the VP while you're in surgery.

Just enough time for
Pence to push me out.

Sorry, Doc, I'd rather be
buried with these quarters

like some broke-ass King Tut.

[whistling]

Screw your courage to the
sticking place and we'll not fail!

Karen, why in the name of Faith
Hill are you sitting in darkness?

It's time to start
your 2020 campaign, Michael.

We could launch
Trinkets for Troops

and finally find out who killed JFK,

Janny Franny Karlarny,
my elderly neighbor growing up.

No! Donald's my buddy.
I won't do it.

People don't waterboard
their buddies.

I told you,
it's old-fashioned office ribbing.

This conversation's not
worth the electricity.

[light switch clicks]

Ooh, it's like I'm inside
the tea kettle.

[music]

[crowd] Hannity!

It's day two of the Stone
Mountain Patriots defending their

heritage while open-carrying
surface-to-air missile launchers.

Unlike after Charlottesville
when Trump rightfully blamed

both the murderers
and the murdered,

this time, he's M.I.A.

Joining us now is
his adviser Stephen Miller.

Sean, I love more than
anything to be in the scent

radius of the President,
but I must report that

he has forsaken his duty
to defend our tribe!

Whoa!
Hold on, Stevie.

He's probably just waiting for
the perfect time to swoop in

and stick little American flags
in the marchers' neckbeards.

Wrong!
Suddenly, he's too dignified

to step into the slaughterhouse

as opposed to Mike
Pence, who's not afraid

to dive face first
into ground up cow anus.

All hail Mike Pence!

[Pence] I'd be happy to attend
in your place, Mr. President.

[echoing] ...in your place,
Mr. President.

Oh! Mr. President,
what brings you here today?

I was the perfect president,

but then you convinced me
to take the high road

knowing full well it was bumpy

and I was lying in the back
trying like hell to eat soup!

Sir, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Is this from a movie?
I've only seen two movies,

and it was Mystic Pizza twice.

Everyone thought I was
better than Lincoln,

then you got me to talk like you.

Now they only think
I'm as good as Lincoln.

Sir, again, I'm not
trying to undermine you!

I believe you, but I can't
speak for Bolton.

[chuckles] Hi, there!

You know what?
The way this White House

tortures me, maybe Karen's right.

Maybe I should run
for president in 2020,

if only to find out
if the CIA really did kill

Janny Franny Karlarny,

my wife's elderly neighbor
when she was growing up!

Bravo.
Now we know where we stand.

Now give me your
vice president badge

and send in
the animatronic gopher!

[echoing] Send in the
animatronic gopher!

Send in the animatronic gopher!

[tambourine jingles]

We're here with Washington's
hot new "it" boy Michael Pence,

and he can call me
"Mother" any time he likes.

I'm the president,
and if anyone should be called

"Mother," it's me.

Let's talk about the rumors.

Are you actually
dating Gigi Hadid?

Karen and I will be together
until the end of days next week.

- [together] Awwww.
- I love love.

But this is why I'm here.

The American people should know

that the President
has my full loyalty,

but I will challenge him for the
Republican nomination in 2020.

- Hey-o!
- You naughty!

- Oh, I done did it!
- Hold that thought, you sexy tiger.

We got the President
on the line!

Hey, we're here with
your best friend,

Mike Pence, trying to
score some hot goss.

[President Trump]
He's not my friend.

I bet he's sitting
in my Oval Office chair right now,

spinning around
with his long blond hair

flowing in the breeze.

- Sir, he's right here.
- I think this is all in your head.

Make-believe, if you will.

That's Brian Kilmeade saying
that, so I would listen.

If you're listening, Mike,

I will have my revenge
in this life or the next.

That's from Gladiator.

It's a good movie, and I'm
gonna go watch it right now.

When we come back,
we'll meet a baker

who refuses to bake anything
for anyone.

[music]

Okay, explain why I'm not
currently sweating

under nine blankets with a bowl
of hot cheese under my chin.

Since you won't get surgery
and cede power to Mike Pence,

your stomach's gonna explode.

You look like a whale!

That's very sweet that you're
concerned with my health.

Daddy, we're more
concerned that,

when you explode,
everything will be covered

in undigested grape Slurpee.

Hello!
I'm wearing a shirt!

- That won't work.
- It's not gonna be enough.

You're gonna blow through it
like tissue paper.

At the very least, we want you
to sit in this storage container.

- Is there air in there?
- Eric promised me he put air in there.

- Eric?
- Yeah!

Uh, just give me
20 minutes to check.

[music]

[President Trump]
My vice president wants my job,

my children want to lock me
in a storage container,

and now everyone
doesn't think I'm racist.

Here is my advice to thee.

The citizenry believes that
legislators are good people

when they stay above the fray.

But no one asks,
is that indeed good?

Is it good to look past
the ugliness within?

Maybe someone needs
to make that inquiry.

Also, watch out
for that Pence fucker.

He'll gut you like
a portly grouper.

I know, right?

- Yes, definitely.
- He's dumb.

- He is a fucker.
- Absolutely.

Hey, how are you talking
to me anyway?

You've had a 105 degree fever
for a fortnight.

Sir?
Is everything okay?

[body thuds]

Mr. President?
Mr. President?

Mr. President!!
[echoing]

[dramatic music]

Mr. President?

[groans]

Sir, if we don't conduct this
surgery now, you will die.

Sign the letter triggering
the 25th Amendment.

You'll only be under
for three hours.

[music]

Why so sad?
This is everything you wanted.

How will you demean
the office first?

De-escalate tensions
with our strongest allies?

[music]

As much as I want to be
president for a few hours,

I want even more for
my friend to be okay.

You need to listen to me.
Get the surgery.

[echoing] You need
to listen to me.

...listen to me.
...listen to me.

Look, Mike, I hate to do this,

but I need to listen to you.

I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.

He's so poor, he believes in God.

We're totally throwing a party.

It's gonna make
Mnuchin's party look like

Mike Pence's personality.

[muffled]
I hate my stupid cabinet!

Why can't they all be
like Mike Pence?!

As loyal and dumb
as a basset hound!

Mike, let me just say,
you look dynamite.

Like a Norman Rockwell
painting came to life

and won a shopping spree
at a hotel lobby clothing store.

Tell me America loves me,
you stubborn, fucking asshole!

[music]

I'll get the surgery,

but I want my eyes on Mike
Pence through the whole thing...

because he's my best friend.

? 'Cause we were meant to fly ?

[screaming]

? Things may fall ?

? But we will still be
standing tall ?

And it's a glorious day
here in Stone Mountain, Georgia,

where the alt-right, the proud boys,

the Lieutenants Of Christendom,

Soldiers For A Caucasian Future,

and straight-up Nazis alike have
gathered to protect their heritage.

I'm being told that Mike Pence
will be giving a speech.

There's someone who can
deliver my message

without making you squint
to see its meaning.

[Hannity] Hold on to your hoods!

President Trump is here
to address the crowd!

[crowd booing]

Wow. These usually peaceful
hatemongers are riled up today, folks.

I cannot sit down
because a surgeon

just crossed my southern border

to fix a blockage
without any anesthesia.

[man] Why would you do that?

Allow me to explain.
[music]

This country has always had
a blockage, as well.

Beneath our soaring platitude
is a whole bunch of ugly stuff

we'd like to pretend isn't there,

but, at any moment, could
explode and make a big mess.

I'm assuming they don't
make America-sized

storage containers.

[man laughs]

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that was a joke.

That brings me to Mike Pence.

We believe the same things,
but unlike him,

I don't hide it with flowery language

and a fuddy-duddy personality.

I wear my colon on my sleeve.

You may not see my face
on any flattering

White House portraits,
but one day,

you will see it
carved into this mountain!

[cheering]
Bravo.

Keep up the great work, racists!

- He's talking about us!
- We'll do our best!

- [crowd chanting] Trump! Trump!
- Jeff!

Get your ass over here,
or I'll kick your nuts off!

[music]

[President Trump] We didn't
pass the Fair Elections Act.

It's hard to push through
legislation when you're

being photobombed by
a 70-foot Robert E. Lee.

That's okay. With my
words and your gumption,

we'll pass many
other civil-rights-limiting

- freedom acts.
- Mike, I'm really sorry

about having Bolton
waterboard you.

At least he didn't torture you.

No apologies necessary.
I briefly led you astray.

Let's call it even.

Dad, are you racist again?

- It's okay.
- I am racist again,

and that's never gonna change.

- Rock on, Dad!
- Daddy's back!

- Yeah!
- That's my dad!

Hey, Pence, this is
kind of a special moment.

Would you mind getting
the fuck out of here?

Of course. If you need me,
I'll be looking the other way.

['80s-style pop music]

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote
and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did it ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Yeah ?

Trump!

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