All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e13 Mueller Probe.eng

[President Trump]
Aah! Oh, my Lord!

[cellphone dialing, ringing]
Please pick up.

Please pick up.
Please pick up.

[rings]
Oh, looky, it's Trump.

I could have sworn I said
not to give him my number!

-Hey.
-You watching Shark Week?

I told you --
we have different TV here.

I'll catch you up.
We need to kill all the sharks.

I'm thinking march your armies
into the ocean,

scare the sharks onto land,
then fight them here!

How long have you thought
about this?

How many days
are in a Shark Week?

Aaah! The shark's going
freakin' nuts on this whale!

Can we move this along?

I got the midterm election
to doodly-woodly with.

I heard the craziest rumor

that you decided not to come
to Washington in September.

Yeah, I just don't think
we should be seen together.

Maddow is like
two sips of coffee away

from cracking
this whole collusion thing.

You didn't plan anything,
did you?

No. No, no, no.
Not really.

Did you hear Ivanka Trump
went out of business?

I don't know what we're gonna
call my daughter now --

Little Stacey or something.
Oh, by the way, you don't need

-a wrap dress, do you?
-Why would I need that?

If you change your mind,
I got a few lying around.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

You're back to screaming way
too loud. Is it another shark?

Even scarier -- Cuomo's running
another Michael Cohen tape!

Gimme a Coke, please.
Hey, I got two hours free.

Let's list my crimes
in alphabetical order.

Ooh, doggy!
I'm driving down Treason Street

with my muffler spraying sparks
and Mueller in hot pursuit!

[cellphone beeps]
Ooh! Hold on. Hannity's calling.

-I'll patch him in.
-Oh, guys, I really have to go.

-Sean's on.
-God damn it! Son of a bitch!

Putin, you watching Shark Week?
You got it over there?

You got sharks?
Oh, Shark Week? No.

What's that?
I guess I don't have it.

You know, before Trump,
there was no Shark Week.

It was just
Elizabeth Warren claiming her

great-great-great-great-great
grandmother was an orca.

Just gonna lie down
on the floor.

Say, uh, Trumpy, you know
if Cohen has any tapes

on innocent
little baby Sean?

Hmm. Depends.
Did you talk to him out loud?

Crap! Okay, at least,
if this all goes to hell,

Putin will put us up
in Russia.

-Nope!
-That'll be great.

Fuzzy hats, small, loud car,

me and some teens
doing backflips on power lines.

Okay, I got to go.

No, you hang up first.

[chuckling] Okay.
[dial tone]

♪♪♪

[President Trump]
Everyone watching this

is hereby pardoned.

♪♪♪

[President Trump]
Ah, there we are.

That's me and my Cabinet.

We're thick as thieves,
but it wasn't always this way.

♪♪♪

Summer vacation!

No parents,
no responsibilities,

no returning migrant children
to their parents.

I finally have time to watch
all the cable news channels.

Tonight, I drive at a point
about Russian banks

for 45 minutes only to swerve
at the last second,

dive out of my car,

and watch it go
careening into a gorge.

But first, today,

the Interim Deputy Director
of Communications,

who is Betsy DeVos' chatty
manicurist, abruptly quit.

I'm not worried.
She'll keep her mouth shut.

And according
to her new book...

Wow.
That was quick.

...Trump recently
left a voicemail

for Stormy Daniels saying,

quote, "I still think
about you, Stormy.

Come work for me
at the White House.

It's just like
'The Apprentice.'

Every Sunday,
someone gets fired,

and several people
are taking a break

from touring with
a hair metal band to be here."

These staff departures,
these leaks,

indicate that President Trump
has a disloyal team

just as Special Counsel
Robert Mueller

searches for defectors.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-Melania!
-[sighs]

What can't wait for two weeks
when I see you next?

There's this new guy
hanging around -- Bobby Mueller.

He's, like,
totally obsessed with me.

He's trying to steal
all my friends,

and it's like,
"Dude, they only like you

because you can keep them
from dying in prison."

Hmm. I don't want to die
in prison.

Oh, now you're into him, too?

Melania, here's a reality
check -- he drives a Mercury.

And did you know he's 73?

I mean, why's this old guy
still hanging around with us?

Talk about
a creep-o-holic.

-Melania?
-Shut up and go to bed!

[rock music blaring on stereo]

-Dad, are you okay in there?
-Don't come in my room!

Are you doing drugs in there,
young man?

Talk to us, Dad.

We can't help you
if you don't talk to us.

[music stops]
What's eatin' atcha?

Did you just find out about
Paul Walker?

It's Robert Mueller.

I just know
he's gonna steal my friends.

Dad, if you wanna whip
your squad into shape,

just snap a towel
on your scrote, and/or taint,

in the White House
locker room.

Just be nice to them,
Dad.

I had three friends
in high school --

the Tucker twins, awesome,
and the nurse's assistant

Blanche Henderman --
and it's all

because I let them
pet the frogs in my locker.

Those are both great strategies,
but I vowed to never give

Don positive reinforcement,
so we're going with Eric's.

Wait'll I tell Blanche!

So, team, the leaks are kind
of a bummer.

What if, any time you want
to share a secret,

you just whisper it
into a pillow?

Like this...

[muffled]
I hate my stupid Cabinet!

Why can't they all be like
Mike Pence --

as loyal and dumb
as a basset hound?

[cellphone buzzes]

Washington Post
push notification --

"Trump Confronts Staff
about Leaks."

Okay, we just
talked about this.

"Trump Marvels
at the Speed of Leaks."

All right, everyone show me
your hands.

"Breaking: Trump Has Never Heard
of Texting with Your Toes."

I see what's going on here.

I've got a six-pack and pecs
you could bounce a coin off!

"Trump Unaware
of Bulbous Breasts."

[muffled] Damn it!

♪♪♪

Oh, get this, Karen J.

This weekend, my Michael
is taking me

to Old Sturbridge Village.

Karen, I need your ear.

I gotta go, but it's this
whole town that still looks

-like the 19th century --
-Karen!

We only pay for
12 minutes a month!

They have candle making.
Bye.

As a reward for my loyalty,
the President has invited me

to Mar-a-Lago
in Palm Beach, Florida!

Sweet cherries in summer!

But, Michael, do you really
want to socialize

with someone who fornicates
with Playboy models

and has still failed
to bring the end of days?

But I'm finally part
of the cool inner circle.

You forget that just
two years ago,

I was another
podunk governor

enabling another
statewide AIDS epidemic.

Okay, Michael.

I'll start packing.

It's not really your scene,
Karen.

There's going to be drinks
with umbrellas.

Plus, people will be
sleeping over

and probably stealing
each other's underpants.

♪♪♪

Why do you want us to steal
Jared's fingerprints?

We're going down, boys.

Time to pin this all on him
and take the red eye to Moscow.

Dad, I want to tell you the tale
of another embattled president

with striking good looks --
Richard Nixon.

He was accused
of criminal activity,

and everyone thought
his goose was cooked.

So, he got rid of his disloyal
staffers, rallied his squad,

and became one of the greatest
presidents in history,

living well
into the mid-'90s,

which means, before he died,
he got to see Backdraft.

Don, what are you
talking about?

He resigned in shame and was
mostly likely too infirm

to see Backdraft
in theaters.

Oh. Well...

swap out Nixon
for Bill Clinton.

Don was right --
being the coolest,

fastest guy in school
wouldn't be enough.

I had to show my friends
I could turn them into royalty

and, if that didn't work,
threaten to tell everyone

their mothers worked
in the cafeteria

and gave birth to them
into a hairnet.

I heard
Mueller's got a tattoo.

I heard he's got a gun
and has seen a boob.

-Awooga.
-A boob?

-Okay!
-So cool.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Oh, you know,
just Robert Mueller.

Never heard of him.
Anyways, we promised ourselves

we'd make this
the best summer ever,

and we can't let Special Counsel
Robert S. Mueller III

get in our way,

so please sign your new
non-disclosure agreements.

Signing something without
reading it is the American way.

Hey, what's this paragraph
on destroying all evidence

of our existence
at the end of each day?

Oh, that's just standard
lawyer stuff.

Why does it have a
"Do Not Resuscitate" order?

Are you a lawyer?
Because you're acting

-like you think you're a lawyer.
-Mr. President, look!

I already signed every page in
three different types of fluid.

Thanks, now how about
the people I respect?

Fine.
Stephen, get forging.

Of course, sir.

Just give me a few minutes
to replenish my fluids.

[grunts]

[Pence]
Thanks for coming, Steven.

I wasn't sure about Jewish
dietary restrictions,

so I had the kid from Shakey's
take the pizza apart

and put each ingredient
in a separate bag.

Anything for the man
who officiated my wedding

and gave that satanic pact
a wholesome veneer.

Not to puff you
my own spinnaker,

President Trump has invited me
for dinner at Mar-a-Lago.

-Eck.
-I know, it is quite an honor,

but I don't know how
to handle myself

around these
cooked-corn-eating types.

Every sweaty trip down there
is the same --

Trump rambles about someone
who's been dead for 30 years,

then a marina owner
with chest hair dandruff

leans over your table
to take a selfie.

Men with chest hair?

My goodness, I didn't know
there'd be Italians there.

All right, I gotta go print
a sheet of money for Louise.

She's eff'd in the head,
but I love her.

Oh, by the way,
I pissed in your vase.

♪♪♪

Because some of you
refuse to sign

a non-disclosure
agreement,

your punishment
is you have to stand

by that fence
for the next three days.

I saw Robert Mueller smoking
a cigarette by that fence.

-Unfiltered!
-Ooh! Wow!

Then your punishment
is to stay away from the fence.

Good, we didn't want to stand
near the fence anyway.

-Back on the fence!
-Yes, it worked!

We get to hang by the fence!

Look, you can stand
near the fence

if you promise
not to leak anything.

[all] Promise!

It'd be awesome
if Mueller was here.

Anyone got his number?

He's probably busy bench
pressing in his basement.

-Oh, wow.
-Yeah, baby!

Bench pressing is
really good for your body.

♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪

♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪

And that's how you get gum
out of your cat's whiskers.

Thank you very much,
Second Lady Karen Pence.

Before we go, a very happy 135th
birthday to Benito Mussolini.

Ooh, I wonder
what he wished for.

Probably not be strung up
by his feet.

[woman] And we're clear.

Guys, I need
some straight talk.

Michael got invited
to Mar-a-Lago.

-Mar-a-Lago!
-Ooh, boy!

The bread there
is free!

I'm a little worried that the
trip is going to change him.

He's gotta change if he wants
to hang with the in-crowd.

That's right.

I swapped out my teeth
for piano keys

and have slept in
a tanning bead since age 18.

And sure, I'm covered
in blisters

the size of personal pizzas,
but now I'm camera-ready.

[gasps] I did see him perusing
the teeth on teeth.com,

and we only get seven
minutes of Internet a month!

♪♪♪

Hey, do you guys mind
if I hang out at the fence?

I-I-I stole a cool spy thing
from the State Department.

We don't really play
with toys here, m'kay?

Right.
Me, neither.

I just wanted to show you
how lame it is.

-Is that Mueller?
-Whoa!

-Quality vehicle.
-Honk honk!

What is that --
a 2013 blue car?

I have like 30
2013 blue cars.

[soft rock plays loudly
on radio]

He just does not
give an eff.

Maybe he wants to
hang out.

-Oh, yeah!
-You think so?

How about instead we all head
to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend?

-Oh, no.
-No, no, no.

All expenses paid
by the taxpayers!

-Mm, mnh-mnh.
-I gotta stay here.

We'll take the money from the
Child Health Insurance Program.

[Mnuchin]
Suck it, poor kids!

♪♪♪

-Hannity!
-President Trump has flown

his Cabinet
to the Southern White House

for some bellinis, bonding,
and big-dogging.

Donald, in case
you want me there,

I've booked myself
on every flight from New York

to Palm Beach
for the next three months.

I got all your
beach essentials --

tinny speaker,
three types of paddle game,

and a pair of chunky flip flops
to throw at loud,

Hispanic teens.

♪♪♪

Whoa. First, Mike, let me just
say, you look dynamite.

Like a Norman Rockwell painting
come to life

and won a shopping spree
at a hotel lobby clothing store.

What the hell did you do
to your face?

It cost a pretty penny.

I had to chancel
the Pence family trip

to Old Sturbridge Village.

To make some cash,
I'm moonlighting as a night

watchman
at a Jet Ski warehouse.

Wow. Whatever you did, and you
might have just told me

but I wasn't listening,
it looks good on you.

I'll tell you what --
you've earned yourself

one celebrity phone call.

I've always wanted to chat
with Neil Sedaka.

Evander Holyfield
coming up!

[ringing]

It's really ringing.

[ringing continues]

♪♪♪

[chuckles]
Classic Evander.

[Holyfield] You've
reached Evander Holy--

-Still pretty neat.
-Right?

So, listen, Mike, I'm gonna need
you to do me a solid.

Oh, this isn't anything that's
gonna get me in trouble, is it?

You know what, I'll just ask
Scott Pruitt to do it.

He poisoned a city's
water supply in exchange

-for an iTunes gift card.
-Wait!

I-I'd be honored,
Mr. President.

♪♪♪

I have a confession that the
American people deserve to hear.

It wasn't Donald who made love
to Mrs. Stormy Daniels

and paid for her silence.

-It was me.
-[gasps] Mike Pence?

Christmas crackers!

I'm sorry for the pain I caused
and thank my wife, Karen,

for sticking by my side.

Get to the juicy stuff!

Of course. I could sense that
Stormy was interested in me,

so I put my crucifix
in a drawer

and downed a-a glass of milk
off the room service cart.

[chuckling] Ooh,
this is getting good!

I then asked her if I could
place my hand

on her upper shoulder.

Stop holding back,
Mikey!

Okay, um...

I [bleep] then [bleep] her,

then she [bleep]
my [bleep] [bleep].

♪♪♪

Where did you even learn
to say those heinous words?

I overheard Steve Mnuchin
calling his wife.

You know I didn't do
any of that stuff.

I just have to do right
by the boss.

But what kind of boss
makes you say those things?

Pace yourself, Karen.

Tomorrow, he's having me
ram our car

into Hillary Clinton's
yoga class.

[President Trump]
Sure, Mike was in hot water,

but at least my summer
was on track...

or so I thought.

Mike, that was amazing.

I thought you were gonna die
up there.

I mean, your heart stopped
for two minutes.

It was my...pleasure,
Mr. President.

Okay, okay, what's going on,
everyone?

Are you guys jealous you didn't
get to take the fall?

What you made Mike
do was messed up.

Robert Mueller would never
do that to us.

Okay, whoa-ho.

Back up.
Mueller's lame.

He's been married to the same
wife for, like, 50 years.

He's so dumb, he couldn't get
out of fighting in Vietnam.

And get this -- Instead of going
to work for his dad,

he totally studied hard

at University of Virginia
Law School.

Yeah, he's great.

I don't want to hear the word
"Mueller" ever again.

-Got it?
-Mueller.

-I heard that, Mattis!
-What?

I just said "mole hair," as in
"Donald Trump has hairy moles."

[laughter]

-Ohh, shit.
-He played ya on that!

[voice breaking]
Take it back!

You guys are never coming
to my parties again!

[pounding on door]
[Melania] Shut up in there!

Please forgive me
for what I must do.

Karen J., it's Karen P.

Does Karen W.'s estranged gay
son still work at the Post?

I need you to get him
a message.

"President Trump bribed
Vice President Michael Pence

with a trip
to Mar-a-Lago

in exchange
for his tearful confession."

Oh, no way, José!

Who would leak
such a thing?

Karen, I see Karen J., Karen W.,
and Karen L.'s fingerprints

all over this.

Okay, I did it!

Karens J., W., and L.
helped.

But go easy on Karen L. -- She's
still reeling from Roseanne.

You're gonna get me
in big trouble, missy.

Donald was right about you.

-You're a bit of a w-w-w-w--
-A bit of a what?

Just say it, Michael!

-A wet blanket!
-[gasps]

I'm gonna get fired,
Karen.

You want to move back
to Indiana?

I gave everybody AIDS!

[Sessions]
Did you guys know

-I gave testimony to Mueller?
-What?!

Oh, my goodness,
how was it?

It was all right, I guess...

Oh, who am I kidding?
It was great!

Not as great as I'd built up
in my head, you know,

-but still -- what a ride.
-Wow.

I guess our trip to Mar-a-Lago
meant nothing to you people.

I had a terrible time there.

I saw a flamingo choke
on a cigar.

I saw a 90-year-old man
have an orgasm.

Look, if you want to hang
with Bob Mueller, one phone call

and I can replace any one
of you with Henry Kissinger.

[ringing]

[ringing continues]

Wow. Most powerful guy
in the world.

[ringing continues]

[Holyfield]
You've reached Evander--

-No one say a word.

♪♪♪

According to three dozen ladies
named "Karen"

and several "Dotties,"
White House Cabinet members

are considering giving
testimony to Robert Mueller,

who's also investigating
a bribe to Mike Pence.

Wait, Dad.
Are you going to jail?

That's so cool!

If you go to jail,
is Mike Pence my new dad?

Don't worry, boys.

There's someone I can call
who will know just what to do.

[ringing]

-Hey, Putin.
-[Putin] Hey! Hold on.

This will, uh,
just be a second.

Hey, there's my guy!

How's president going?

-What year are you?
-Second year.

Wow. Sophomore.
How old are you now -- 63, 64?

-Putin, I'm 72.
-Wow.

You're growing so fast.

I'm gonna blink,
and you'll be dead.

Hey, uh, things are not
working out over here.

Uh, do you think my family
and I could come stay with you?

You...still there?

Yeah, you know,
I'd love that, kiddo, but, uh,

Putin's got a lot
going on right now

with this whole Russia thing.

But, uh, you know,
look at the moon

and know that I'm looking
at the same one.

-Really?
-No, it's daytime here.

But, uh, the sentiment.
Okay, byyye.

♪♪♪

[narrator]
Old Sturbridge Village

is New England's largest
outdoor living history museum.

It's a beloved
travel destination

for lovebirds
who like candle making.

And every Thursday,

it's free admission
for anyone named "Karen."

Michael, I'm sorry
for what I did.

I wish God wanted me
to apologize, too,

but Romans 13 says,

"The authorities that exist
are appointed by the Lord."

God made Donald Trump
president

and to not take credit
for plowing an adult film star

is an affront
to our Lord.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to study for
the Shenandoah Valley Jet Ski

Salesperson
Certification Test.

Okay!

Well...
good luck!

[President Trump] My summer
dream job at the White House

was turning into
a summer nightmare.

Little did I know,

a certain special someone
was about to wake me up.

Oh, and then Sanders
would say,

"Here's the update of all the
good news of the presidency."

And then Kelly's like,
"You gotta do this."

And then Carson's like,
"I don't know what's going on."

Hello,
M-Mr. President?

Where are all your
little buddies?

They're all drooling over
Robert Mueller.

Oh, Karens L. through X.

and 2/3 of the Dotties
aren't talking to me, either.

I'm sorry for leaking
that story to the press.

I forgot about what's
really most important --

keeping TV's Donald Trump
in the White House.

You know, when I took
this President job,

I was the new kid in town.

I talked funny,
my suits were too big,

I started lashing out,
demanding loyalty,

and shredding the very fabric
of our democracy.

I'll just say it -- I was acting
like a bit of a nut.

Loyalty is tricky.

That's why Michael and I
have an open relationship.

-What?
-Whenever Michael talks to me,

I open my ears.

Maybe if you listened
a little more,

your Cabinet wouldn't feel
the need to leak to the press.

Mike is a lucky man.

Karen Pence,
you are one doofy broad.

Here's some money
for this conversation.

Oh, the kid at Shakey's
is gonna get a big tip.

Rosenstein gave me
Mueller's number.

Should I text him?

-Oh, yeah!
-Do it! Do it!

Wait...
why don't we hang out?

-Lose my number.
-Ugh.

-Ugh, come on.
-You're embarrassing us.

Ever since our first day
together, I was so insecure

that you all would leave me
that I demanded loyalty.

But you don't get loyalty
by making people sign

the most comprehensive
non-disclosure

agreement ever drafted.

You get it by listening,

something I need
to get better at.

A doofy broad taught me that.

♪♪♪

So, on that note, I'm having
all of you bugged.

There's not a word you will say
that I won't hear.

-Oh...
-We should give him -- Hmm.

Can we go
to Mar-a-Lago again?

I thought you guys
hated it.

We just said that
because we were mad.

All right, you can go.

Just don't talk
to Mueller.

♪♪♪

"Dear Mr. Mueller,

we accept the fact
that you want to indict us

for whatever it is we did
wrong,

but we think you're crazy
for making us testify

about who we think we are.

You see us as you want to
see us, in the simplest terms,

but what we found out
is that each one of us is..."

[Carson] "A brain..."

[Mattis] "And an athlete..."

[Sessions]
"And a basket case..."

[Sanders] "A princess..."

[President Trump]
"And a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club.

P.S. --

I named the club after one
of my top five favorite meals."

Karen, I'm sorry
I called you a wet blanket.

You're a warm, dry blanket
that I'd throw over a harlot

in a tank top any day.

I'm sorry I sinned against God
by opposing Donald Trump.

[chuckling]
What was I thinking?

I just wish we had the scratch
to go to Old Sturbridge Village.

Karen Sue Pence,
where did you get that?

The President thought
I was a whore.

Let's drive to a gas station,
buy a Zippo lighter,

and melt these fake teeth
out of my head.

We are so glad
to have you back.

Mueller only wanted to
question us

about obstruction and collusion,
and it's like,

"Dude, don't you have anything
else going on in your life?"

What a loser.

If he tells me to go to jail,
I'm just gonna be like, "No."

-Whoo! Yeah, you tell 'em!
-Yeah!

Are you really gonna do that?

'Cause a lot of people are
afraid you're gonna do that.

Hey, anybody thinking
what I'm thinking?

Race you to the fence!

♪♪♪

I learned a lot that summer...

about friendship, bribery,

and how hard it is
to run to a fence.

But most of all,

I learned that,
when it comes down to it,

all you really need is to blame
the Mexicans and the blacks

and the Muslims
and the...

♪ Robert Mueller,
don't you dare indict me ♪

♪ I haven't done anything ♪

♪ What's with
the third degree? ♪

♪ Robert Mueller,
won't you leave me alone? ♪

♪ You arraigned my lawyers,
interred my bones ♪

♪ Oh, Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-whoa ♪

♪ Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Oh-whoa, Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ La, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh-whoa ♪

♪ Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Oh-whoa ♪

♪ Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ La, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh-whoa ♪

♪ Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Robert Mueller ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Don't indict me ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0