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sync & correction by f1nc0
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- Mr. President!
- Mr. President!
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00:00:10,551 --> 00:00:12,987
Wow!
Spring has sprung.
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00:00:12,988 --> 00:00:16,190
All winter long, adult-film
stars have been hibernating,
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00:00:16,191 --> 00:00:17,524
bellies full of fish,
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00:00:17,525 --> 00:00:19,693
and now they're all emerging
from their caves,
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00:00:19,694 --> 00:00:21,762
giving interviews
to Anderson Cooper.
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00:00:21,763 --> 00:00:24,864
Sir, why haven't you refuted
the Stormy Daniels allegations?
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00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:27,200
I'm trying to take the high road
and do everything I can
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00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:29,869
not to have a picture
of my penis go public.
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00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,604
I mean, that thing is like a vampire ...
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00:00:31,605 --> 00:00:33,539
bloodless, can't see it in a mirror,
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00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:36,575
and, at first, Eastern European
women fall in love with it,
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00:00:36,576 --> 00:00:38,945
but, eventually, they try to
drive a wooden stake through it.
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00:00:38,946 --> 00:00:41,180
Are you having trouble hiring lawyers?
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00:00:41,181 --> 00:00:45,617
I've got great, great lawyer.
His name is Jay Sekulow.
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00:00:45,618 --> 00:00:47,920
He looks like the one guy in
the women-and-children lifeboat,
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00:00:47,921 --> 00:00:49,554
and he's working hard on my case
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00:00:49,555 --> 00:00:52,191
in the makeup chair
between cable-news appearances.
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00:00:52,192 --> 00:00:54,092
Will you be bringing on
any other representation?
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00:00:54,093 --> 00:00:55,393
Glad you asked.
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00:00:55,394 --> 00:00:57,296
I'm pleased to announce
I have a new lawyer
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00:00:57,297 --> 00:00:59,730
who's poised
to completely exonerate me
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00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:03,034
or negotiate my secret
3:00 a.m. airlift to Moscow.
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00:01:03,035 --> 00:01:05,136
And like any respectable law firm,
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00:01:05,137 --> 00:01:08,139
he's got a great television
commercial. Take a look.
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00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:10,708
[announcer] When you're
represented by Jean-Luc Tannenbaum,
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00:01:10,709 --> 00:01:12,376
you're represented by the best.
[music]
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00:01:12,377 --> 00:01:15,078
Tannenbaum received
his degree in law crimes
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00:01:15,079 --> 00:01:18,081
from the U.S. Virgin
Islands School of Justice,
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00:01:18,082 --> 00:01:20,901
Nursing, & Hotel Management.
He's defended clients
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00:01:20,902 --> 00:01:23,720
from the family courts
of Northern New Jersey
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00:01:23,721 --> 00:01:26,256
to the drunk tanks
of Southern New Jersey.
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00:01:26,257 --> 00:01:29,425
He's a pillar of his community,
a family man,
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00:01:29,426 --> 00:01:32,427
and has had sex with more
than 50 of his clients.
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00:01:32,428 --> 00:01:33,829
Not bad, huh?
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00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:37,599
For a consultation, visit Jean-Luc
at his Washington headquarters,
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00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,269
with cash, preferably
before the 1st of the month.
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00:01:40,270 --> 00:01:41,603
No cops.
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00:01:41,604 --> 00:01:45,464
? Jean-Luc Tannenbaum ?
Ding!
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00:01:45,725 --> 00:01:48,255
1x09 - Church and State
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00:01:48,290 --> 00:01:51,477
Shark! Oh, God, no-no!
Oh! Aah!
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00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:56,484
[organ playing]
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00:01:56,485 --> 00:02:00,421
So sayeth Genesis,
"When all the land of Egypt
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00:02:00,422 --> 00:02:04,492
was famished, the people
cried out to Pharaoh for bread."
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00:02:04,493 --> 00:02:08,195
Bread's expensive, people!
Good move by the pharaoh.
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00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:11,031
Mr. President, would you like
to say a few words?
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00:02:11,032 --> 00:02:12,465
Uh, totally optional, by the way.
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00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,666
We'd understand if you'd rather no...
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00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,669
Wow! Jesus never
drew a crowd this big.
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00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,472
Did you know he was Jewish?
You picture Hugh Jackman,
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00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,209
when Jesus actually looked like
a little orthodontist.
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00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,677
[Melania] How was church today?
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00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:27,980
Uneventful.
They love me over there.
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00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,481
[Cooper] "President Satan."
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00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,617
That's what many are calling
President Trump
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00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:34,236
after he was caught on
a hot Mic committing
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00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,855
the biggest religious gaffe since
Reagan armed the Taliban.
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00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:39,058
[President Trump] Was that
Joseph guy a putz, or what?
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00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:41,492
Clearly, he wasn't taking care
of Mary's needs.
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00:02:41,493 --> 00:02:43,995
I mean, if God knocked up my
wife, he'd never doink again.
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00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:48,033
- I'd cut off God's penis.
- [Mike Pence] Sir, I think that's a hot Mic.
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00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,035
[President Trump] Mike, stop
acting like a tech buff.
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00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:53,338
You think your great-grandfather
hunted dinosaurs.
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00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,307
How do grown adults
still worship Jesus?
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00:02:55,308 --> 00:02:57,474
I mean, where was Jesus
when the Taj Mahal
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00:02:57,475 --> 00:02:59,310
was at a standstill with the unions?
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00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,345
Sometimes people need to believe
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00:03:01,346 --> 00:03:03,414
in something bigger than themselves.
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00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:06,016
Like how I believe
this entire experience
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00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:09,720
is just a dream inside a giant's mind,
and when he wakes up,
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00:03:09,721 --> 00:03:13,922
I will be back in Trump Tower
with my friends, the help.
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00:03:15,025 --> 00:03:16,492
[music]
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00:03:16,493 --> 00:03:18,694
Sir, I'm told your
imitation of Moses' stutter
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00:03:18,695 --> 00:03:22,098
at church was inspiring.
There's just one problem.
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You appear to have gaps
in your Bible knowledge.
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00:03:25,169 --> 00:03:28,237
If a book doesn't have "Adventure
Dog" in the title, I haven't read it.
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00:03:28,238 --> 00:03:30,773
Before the White House
Easter festivities,
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00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:32,907
I think it would be wise to study up
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00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:35,043
in Mike Pence's weekly Bible study.
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00:03:35,044 --> 00:03:38,113
Can I still attend if I'm
in Palm Beach and golfing?
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00:03:38,414 --> 00:03:41,583
And, uh, if you ever want to hang
out, just let me know, Ezra.
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00:03:41,584 --> 00:03:43,918
Might be the last time without
a corrections officer listening in.
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00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,520
[Ezra] Yeah, I'm good,
but I'll get in touch
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00:03:45,521 --> 00:03:47,922
if I ever need advice
on how to screw up my life.
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00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:49,123
[click, dial tone]
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00:03:49,124 --> 00:03:50,858
[sighs]
Well, it's official.
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00:03:50,859 --> 00:03:52,860
My only human contact, our lawyer,
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00:03:52,861 --> 00:03:56,063
- is telling me not to talk to humans.
- Jared, don't give up.
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00:03:56,064 --> 00:03:57,631
Everyone needs friends.
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00:03:57,632 --> 00:04:00,966
I don't know what
I would do without...
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00:04:02,437 --> 00:04:05,205
Anyways, if you don't have
friends, you don't have likes,
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00:04:05,206 --> 00:04:07,474
and if you don't have likes,
you don't exist.
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00:04:07,475 --> 00:04:10,410
[music]
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00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:13,446
You guys don't believe
any of this Jesus stuff, right?
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00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:14,914
Hell no!
We pray in the name of
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00:04:14,915 --> 00:04:17,917
- the Dad, the sons...
- The sons are us, Dad!
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00:04:17,918 --> 00:04:21,621
...and the holy spirit of tossing
chicks into swimming pools.
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00:04:21,622 --> 00:04:22,721
- Amen!
- Amen!
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00:04:22,722 --> 00:04:23,922
- Jinx!
- Fuck you!
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00:04:23,923 --> 00:04:26,091
Jared, your nerd ass
is probably obsessed
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00:04:26,092 --> 00:04:27,893
with that lame Jesus
church shit, right?
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00:04:27,894 --> 00:04:32,464
I'm Jewish! You were at
my very Jewish wedding.
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00:04:32,465 --> 00:04:34,099
You must have been doing
the Jewish stuff
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00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,235
while I was lifting
those chairs up and down.
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00:04:36,236 --> 00:04:37,836
[music]
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00:04:37,837 --> 00:04:39,637
And one last piece of positive news ...
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the support from your
evangelical base has dropped,
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00:04:42,508 --> 00:04:44,409
support amongst people
who toss soda bottles
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00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:46,677
in the air and shoot them
continues to grow.
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00:04:46,678 --> 00:04:49,247
No way his evangelical
support dropped.
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00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,582
They forgave you for the
"Access Hollywood" tape
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00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,017
and for allowing Puerto Rico
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00:04:53,018 --> 00:04:55,420
to fester in pitch-black
darkness even to this day.
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00:04:55,421 --> 00:04:57,521
Things always get messy
for religious types
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00:04:57,522 --> 00:04:59,756
when you bring God's junk
into the equation.
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00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,358
Mike, how do you spin it
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00:05:01,359 --> 00:05:04,496
when you'd say you'd cut
off God's penis? [whimpering]
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00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,197
I'll wake him up.
Two men holding hands!
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00:05:07,198 --> 00:05:10,033
- Not in my Denny's!
- There's my little zealot.
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00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:12,668
Sir, this is serious.
Your most devout supports
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00:05:12,669 --> 00:05:15,471
are threatening to boycott
your Easter festivities.
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00:05:15,472 --> 00:05:17,773
Lose their support,
and you'll lose your shot
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00:05:17,774 --> 00:05:20,142
at that second term
you have no interest in.
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00:05:20,643 --> 00:05:23,712
[music]
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00:05:23,713 --> 00:05:26,014
[Miller] Lord President, did you know
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00:05:26,015 --> 00:05:28,350
if you rearrange the letters
in "Donald J. Trump,"
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00:05:28,351 --> 00:05:31,852
- it spells Jesus?
- That's not true, Stevie.
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00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,688
But you can make it true.
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00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:37,325
If you become the holy president
the faithful yearn for,
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00:05:37,326 --> 00:05:40,295
your power will exceed earthly bounds.
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00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:43,398
You'll be able to skip to the front
of the line of the Reptile House,
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00:05:43,399 --> 00:05:46,401
change Oprah's name
to Jebediah ... finally,
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00:05:46,402 --> 00:05:49,303
turn water into viscous, spicy wine,
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00:05:49,304 --> 00:05:52,839
and smite my barber's
smarmy shampoo boy!
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00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:53,873
I don't know, Stevie.
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00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:57,211
[music stops]
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00:05:57,212 --> 00:05:58,645
Also, you will be tax-exempt.
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00:05:58,646 --> 00:06:00,847
I'm in!
Tell my three wives
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00:06:00,848 --> 00:06:04,683
I'm going to be the most
Christian president in history!
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00:06:04,684 --> 00:06:07,686
[echoing] History!
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00:06:07,687 --> 00:06:09,388
[music]
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00:06:09,389 --> 00:06:12,858
All right, churchies,
I want evangelicals so loyal
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00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:15,161
that they give me the six-dollar
shirts off their backs.
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00:06:15,162 --> 00:06:16,496
Let's hear ideas.
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00:06:16,497 --> 00:06:18,598
If the Bible has taught me anything,
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00:06:18,599 --> 00:06:20,866
it's that I should wait
for the men around me
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00:06:20,867 --> 00:06:22,234
to explain what I've learned.
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00:06:22,235 --> 00:06:25,036
What Betsy means is that
Jesus gained followers
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00:06:25,037 --> 00:06:28,673
- by being a faithful servant of God.
- I'm always faithful ...
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00:06:28,674 --> 00:06:31,109
as long as I don't meet
a younger, hotter God.
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00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,378
I find the best way
to gain a following
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00:06:33,379 --> 00:06:35,747
is to buy a street
vender's umbrella
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00:06:35,748 --> 00:06:39,915
and twirl it in front of
pedestrians as free theater.
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00:06:41,419 --> 00:06:44,721
Sir, to help bring the Christian
community into your embrace,
156
00:06:44,722 --> 00:06:47,191
how about I schedule
a pre-Easter appearance
157
00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:48,959
at a Houston megachurch?
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00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,262
Great idea.
Just don't bring Karen.
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00:06:51,263 --> 00:06:54,898
Jesus was already crucified.
No need to bore him to death.
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00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,469
[both] Baruch atah Adonai.
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00:06:59,470 --> 00:07:00,637
Eloheinu, Melech, haolam ...
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00:07:00,638 --> 00:07:03,273
[blowing]
Birthday's over, Jared!
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00:07:03,274 --> 00:07:05,441
We're gonna make you
a real Trump!
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00:07:05,442 --> 00:07:08,244
What did I do to make you think
that I want to be a real Trump,
165
00:07:08,245 --> 00:07:11,548
- so I know never to do it again?
- Time to follow the Trump creed.
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00:07:11,549 --> 00:07:14,149
Number one, make the Dad
look good, no matter what.
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00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:16,552
And, two, when not making
the Dad look good,
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00:07:16,553 --> 00:07:19,154
make the sons look cool as shit.
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00:07:19,155 --> 00:07:22,658
Don't you want to send back
an entr�e for the fourth time?
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00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:24,793
[Don Jr.] Steal your dentist's
prescription pad?
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00:07:24,794 --> 00:07:27,996
Buy size-14 shoes
when you're actually a 5 1/2?
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00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:30,748
God, that sounds miserable.
What do you think, honey?
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00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:33,501
I think you need to have
meaningful friendships
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00:07:33,502 --> 00:07:37,758
to care about something bigger
than yourself. Like when I...
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00:07:39,308 --> 00:07:41,342
Well, I've already sold
my soul to the devil.
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00:07:41,343 --> 00:07:44,245
Might as well snort Adderall
with his cologne-drenched demons.
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00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:47,290
Hell yeah! Now let's
get you uncircumcised.
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00:07:47,325 --> 00:07:49,603
Ha. Good one.
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00:07:50,518 --> 00:07:52,118
[music]
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00:07:52,119 --> 00:07:54,621
[together]
For thine is the kingdom
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00:07:54,622 --> 00:07:56,856
and the power and the glory,
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00:07:56,857 --> 00:07:58,157
forever and ever.
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00:07:58,158 --> 00:08:00,159
- Amen.
- Amen.
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00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,662
I can't close my eyes.
That's when my dad appears
185
00:08:02,663 --> 00:08:05,698
and tells me only losers
close their eyes.
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00:08:05,699 --> 00:08:08,834
Sir, for the masses to rally
behind you for eternity,
187
00:08:08,835 --> 00:08:12,538
you must seek redemption
through the sinner's prayer.
188
00:08:12,539 --> 00:08:14,973
First things first,
kneel before the Lord.
189
00:08:14,974 --> 00:08:16,975
I'd love to, Mikey,
but I haven't really
190
00:08:16,976 --> 00:08:18,677
taken my knees out of the box yet.
191
00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:21,045
I'd hate to bring down
their value by using them.
192
00:08:21,046 --> 00:08:23,514
How do you tie your shoes, sir?
193
00:08:23,515 --> 00:08:26,351
I sort of put 'em on when
I was 26, and here we are.
194
00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:28,519
Time for Trump test one.
195
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,688
Something you won't find
in your Torah
196
00:08:30,689 --> 00:08:35,491
is that humans have
Dominican over all animals.
197
00:08:35,994 --> 00:08:37,494
What the fuck?!
198
00:08:37,495 --> 00:08:39,444
- You have to kill the lion.
- What?!
199
00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:41,656
If you're gonna hang
with the Trumps, you need
200
00:08:41,657 --> 00:08:43,833
to routinely offend people
who think animals can emote.
201
00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:45,569
I'm already swimming in shit.
202
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:48,472
I don't need to throw
a dead lion in the pool.
203
00:08:48,473 --> 00:08:50,507
[man] Can I take
this costume off?
204
00:08:50,508 --> 00:08:52,743
Just pee in the suit, Tillerson!
205
00:08:52,744 --> 00:08:55,911
You people fired me.
Can't you just let me leave?
206
00:08:55,912 --> 00:08:57,913
I miss my money so much.
207
00:08:57,914 --> 00:08:59,014
[wind chimes clinging]
208
00:08:59,015 --> 00:09:01,150
? And then there is the 10th ?
209
00:09:01,151 --> 00:09:04,086
? Do not covet Karen Pence ?
210
00:09:04,087 --> 00:09:06,221
? So heed these words ?
211
00:09:06,222 --> 00:09:08,190
? Get on God's level ?
212
00:09:08,191 --> 00:09:10,393
? Or spend eternity ?
213
00:09:10,394 --> 00:09:13,060
? Spooning with the devil ?
214
00:09:13,061 --> 00:09:16,431
And that informative little
ditty is how Karen and I
215
00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:18,700
keep the Ten Commandments
in our hearts.
216
00:09:18,701 --> 00:09:20,702
- Now it's your turn.
- Ugh!
217
00:09:20,703 --> 00:09:24,038
Commandments 1 through 10 ...
suppress all human instincts.
218
00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:26,708
You've got it! You've never
been more ready for Houston.
219
00:09:26,709 --> 00:09:30,616
And now it's time for the Pence
family commandments ...
220
00:09:30,668 --> 00:09:33,280
- ... all 29.
- What?! What's this?
221
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,115
_
222
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,950
? Don't talk on first dates ?
223
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,885
? And green grapes are nice ?
224
00:09:38,886 --> 00:09:40,954
? But reds are a vice ?
225
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,956
[both] Wash your hands
before dinner
226
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,925
? Billy Joel is a sinner ?
227
00:09:44,926 --> 00:09:47,126
[music]
228
00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:48,394
[crowd] Hannity!
229
00:09:48,395 --> 00:09:49,862
Okay, welcome back.
Sit down!
230
00:09:49,863 --> 00:09:53,032
My next guests ...
Don Jr. and Eric Trump.
231
00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:55,868
I'd dig a penny out of their
asses if they asked me to!
232
00:09:55,869 --> 00:09:57,637
And I see you brought
a bonus Trump.
233
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,305
Yeah, we're breaking him
like a show pony.
234
00:09:59,306 --> 00:10:01,441
Don't pull any punches on
the hard-hitting journalism.
235
00:10:01,442 --> 00:10:02,907
Let's get to it.
236
00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:04,609
Don't you think it's strange
that we've never seen
237
00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:07,912
Robert Mueller and El Chapo in
the same place, the same time?
238
00:10:07,913 --> 00:10:10,649
Good point, Sean.
I mean, how can we trust a guy
239
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:13,985
who, rumor has it,
breast-fed until he was 11?
240
00:10:13,986 --> 00:10:16,955
Yeah, Sean! Who stops
breast-feeding that early?
241
00:10:16,956 --> 00:10:19,790
What about you, Jared?
Doesn't Mueller's very act
242
00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:22,793
of investigating Trump
imply an anti-Trump bias?
243
00:10:22,794 --> 00:10:24,829
You know, actually, according
to legal statute ...
244
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:26,163
- Ah ... dit, dit, dit, dit!
- Well, duh-duh ...
245
00:10:26,164 --> 00:10:27,665
"Actually, according
to legal statute..."
246
00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:28,999
- Shut up!
- Okay, four-eyes!
247
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,769
Jared, I fucking believe in you,
you fucking idiot.
248
00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:34,572
Yeah! You're our brother because
you have sex with our sister!
249
00:10:34,573 --> 00:10:37,974
Sign in, Jared.
And add friend!
250
00:10:37,975 --> 00:10:41,778
Another Trump?!
This is the happiest day of my life
251
00:10:41,779 --> 00:10:44,414
since everybody else here
got fired for cause
252
00:10:44,415 --> 00:10:46,416
and I became the
last best white guy.
253
00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:47,984
Come on, Jared!
254
00:10:47,985 --> 00:10:50,152
I didn't tape your foreskin
back on for nothing.
255
00:10:50,153 --> 00:10:53,522
All right. Fine.
U-Uh, Robert Mueller is a ...
256
00:10:53,523 --> 00:10:56,458
a Muslim Mexican
sponsored by the deep state
257
00:10:56,459 --> 00:11:01,395
to convert Americans into...
transgendered... bathrooms?
258
00:11:01,931 --> 00:11:03,599
- Whoo! There it is!
- Yeah! Awesome, Jared!
259
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,467
That's how you play ball, Jared!
260
00:11:05,468 --> 00:11:08,637
Tonight, my website is
offering you free shipping.
261
00:11:08,638 --> 00:11:11,138
Jared, throw your buddy
that promo code. [music]
262
00:11:11,139 --> 00:11:13,173
I need a flirty look for spring.
263
00:11:13,304 --> 00:11:15,640
[organ plays]
264
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:17,909
The time has come, Mr. President.
265
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:19,443
Your flock awaits.
266
00:11:19,444 --> 00:11:21,078
- Ted Cruuuuz!
- Aaaah!
267
00:11:21,079 --> 00:11:23,080
This event's a great opportunity
268
00:11:23,081 --> 00:11:25,816
for me to show my piety to the Lord!
269
00:11:25,817 --> 00:11:27,784
But mostly to convince Texans
270
00:11:27,785 --> 00:11:30,486
to catatonically keep me in the Senate.
271
00:11:30,487 --> 00:11:34,357
Donald, fellowship with the
eternal is an intimate act,
272
00:11:34,358 --> 00:11:38,695
and you should never feel the
need to show off in any way.
273
00:11:38,696 --> 00:11:41,097
[screaming gibberish]
274
00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:43,767
...sanctified in the name of Christ!
275
00:11:43,768 --> 00:11:48,003
[screaming gibberish]
276
00:11:48,004 --> 00:11:50,504
[congregation cheering]
277
00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:53,125
Brothers and sisters,
278
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:55,110
I once was in the gutter,
279
00:11:55,111 --> 00:11:58,313
stricken with countless
eradicated diseases.
280
00:11:58,314 --> 00:12:00,182
Then one day, a man
281
00:12:00,183 --> 00:12:03,785
by the name of the Reverend
Dr. Donald J. Trump,
282
00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:06,788
hallelujah,
grabbed me by my thong!
283
00:12:06,789 --> 00:12:09,824
Hallelujah!
And wedgied me into the light!
284
00:12:09,825 --> 00:12:13,962
He has saved us! Hallelujah!
Ted Cruz!
285
00:12:13,963 --> 00:12:17,131
[congregation cheering]
286
00:12:17,132 --> 00:12:19,967
[President Trump] Don't
believe the dishonest media.
287
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:22,469
I would never cut off God's penis.
288
00:12:22,470 --> 00:12:27,540
Unless God begged me like,
"Please, son! Slice off my dong!"
289
00:12:27,541 --> 00:12:29,142
[congregation chanting]
Trump! Trump! Trump!
290
00:12:29,143 --> 00:12:31,411
Trump! Trump! Trump!
291
00:12:31,412 --> 00:12:32,846
[President Trump] They love me.
292
00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:35,982
I'm like Jesus, only with
twice as many prostitutes.
293
00:12:35,983 --> 00:12:37,583
- Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
- Kumbaya!
294
00:12:37,584 --> 00:12:39,384
Freedom! Liberty!
295
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,386
[both screaming gibberish]
296
00:12:41,787 --> 00:12:45,591
Jared, I'm so excited
for your bro mitzvah.
297
00:12:45,592 --> 00:12:48,728
If your hair stays slicked back,
then you are officially a Trump
298
00:12:48,729 --> 00:12:50,096
and we can, like, hang and shit.
299
00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:52,364
But if your hair does not stay in place,
300
00:12:52,365 --> 00:12:55,266
then you go back to your
old life as a punk bitch.
301
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:57,568
Come on, hair.
302
00:12:57,569 --> 00:13:00,204
[grunting] Make sure
it gets to the root, Eric.
303
00:13:00,205 --> 00:13:01,506
Come on.
304
00:13:01,507 --> 00:13:03,708
[music]
305
00:13:03,709 --> 00:13:05,910
- Yeah!
- Fuck you, Jared!
306
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,211
- It stayed!
- Jared, you did it!
307
00:13:07,212 --> 00:13:09,447
You're not a friendless loser anymore!
308
00:13:09,548 --> 00:13:11,682
[President Trump]
Religion is amazing.
309
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,517
I was only gonna be
president for life,
310
00:13:13,518 --> 00:13:16,053
but now I'll soon be
savior for eternity!
311
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:18,789
I'm glad the Lord brought you
a lasting peace in your heart.
312
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:21,425
What are you talking
about? I haven't heard
313
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,061
someone deify me in hours,
and I'm getting antsy.
314
00:13:24,062 --> 00:13:26,429
We could enshrine my humble
Christlike vision
315
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:28,031
for this nation into eternal law?
316
00:13:28,032 --> 00:13:30,700
Done. Get me some blank
executive orders.
317
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:32,635
Make sure they have
my new address on them.
318
00:13:32,636 --> 00:13:34,871
[music]
319
00:13:34,872 --> 00:13:37,306
Jared, it's our prenuptially
obligated date night,
320
00:13:37,307 --> 00:13:39,075
but something feels hashtag different.
321
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:40,910
Yeah, it does.
I'm pretty fly now, huh?
322
00:13:40,911 --> 00:13:42,611
You know, I just got
the bathroom attendant fired
323
00:13:42,612 --> 00:13:44,245
for not having any boysenberry Altoids.
324
00:13:44,246 --> 00:13:46,748
- Hey-yo!
- 'Sup, lesbos?
325
00:13:46,749 --> 00:13:48,283
Jared, what are my
brothers doing here?
326
00:13:48,284 --> 00:13:50,385
Babe, if there's gonna
be soosh in my boosh,
327
00:13:50,386 --> 00:13:53,989
it's my fedoosh
doot to dish it with my dudes!
328
00:13:53,990 --> 00:13:55,757
- How am I doing?
- Uh, what the fuck?
329
00:13:55,758 --> 00:13:57,926
I love you.
That was art!
330
00:13:57,927 --> 00:14:00,128
Hello?! Jared?
Date night!
331
00:14:00,129 --> 00:14:01,996
Change of plans, babe.
The boys are here.
332
00:14:01,997 --> 00:14:04,498
Fine.
I'm clicking to unsubscribe.
333
00:14:04,499 --> 00:14:07,134
And I'm not giving feedback.
334
00:14:07,135 --> 00:14:11,706
Whoo-hoo! Date night!
I'll have the rock shrimp tempura!
335
00:14:11,707 --> 00:14:16,210
Today, I've signed this stack
of executive orders [music]
336
00:14:16,211 --> 00:14:20,046
to mold our country
into Christ's beautiful image.
337
00:14:20,047 --> 00:14:21,881
That guy knew
how to keep in shape.
338
00:14:21,882 --> 00:14:24,907
Effective immediately,
no federal funds will
339
00:14:24,942 --> 00:14:26,652
- go to Planned Parenthood.
- Love it.
340
00:14:26,653 --> 00:14:29,388
Bakeries may deny service
to men with torn jeans.
341
00:14:29,389 --> 00:14:32,559
- Amen.
- People who make eye contact
342
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,060
with the camera on their ATM
343
00:14:34,061 --> 00:14:36,829
- will be investigated for prostitution.
- Great.
344
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:39,631
And death is recommended
for the following crimes ...
345
00:14:39,632 --> 00:14:41,299
- women pumping their own gas...
- Unnatural.
346
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:43,135
- ...eating meals out of order...
- Sure.
347
00:14:43,136 --> 00:14:46,205
- ...and divorce.
- Wait. What was that last one?
348
00:14:46,206 --> 00:14:47,973
Trump's new
fundamentalist policies
349
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,008
have raised the ire of the nation,
350
00:14:50,009 --> 00:14:51,743
as Democrats fight back with an emoji
351
00:14:51,744 --> 00:14:53,544
of God giving a thumbs down.
352
00:14:53,545 --> 00:14:55,880
What ha... Who can...
353
00:14:55,881 --> 00:14:58,515
Hard ... You know, I ...
You can ...
354
00:14:58,516 --> 00:15:00,417
[sighs]
Wow.
355
00:15:00,418 --> 00:15:02,754
And now it's time for
Lawrence O'Donnell.
356
00:15:02,755 --> 00:15:05,589
And I love that mandate
requiring every public park
357
00:15:05,590 --> 00:15:08,825
to have an 80-foot animatronic
Jesus scissor-kicking the devil!
358
00:15:08,826 --> 00:15:11,394
Oh, that Jesus thinks he's so great.
359
00:15:11,395 --> 00:15:13,830
Oh, right ...
I'm into Jesus now.
360
00:15:13,831 --> 00:15:15,999
What did you do, Donald?
I had to cancel my
361
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,835
half-birthday orgy thanks
to your stupid new policies.
362
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:21,371
What am I supposed to do with
all those pentagram necklaces now?
363
00:15:21,372 --> 00:15:23,339
Maybe it's time you
started living your life
364
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,408
according to God's principles, Nooch.
365
00:15:25,409 --> 00:15:27,943
I made that the law of the land.
366
00:15:27,944 --> 00:15:29,945
And now my people
can't get enough of me.
367
00:15:29,946 --> 00:15:33,082
Are you kidding me?
Money is the root of all evil,
368
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:35,550
and I got a big root,
and I rub it on my money.
369
00:15:35,551 --> 00:15:37,977
That's a direct quote from you!
370
00:15:38,012 --> 00:15:39,454
[music]
371
00:15:39,655 --> 00:15:42,024
[Don Jr.] J-Dawg, you okay?
372
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,192
Did you just find out
the Lexus 2018 LS
373
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:47,262
- doesn't come sunroof optional?
- It's Ivanka.
374
00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:50,131
She's not really, uh,
favoriting the new Jared.
375
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:53,701
You don't need her, man!
Me and Don are like two Ivankas,
376
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,636
except we're not allowed
to go swimming.
377
00:15:55,637 --> 00:15:57,638
In fact, let's have
a toast to your freedom.
378
00:15:57,639 --> 00:16:00,140
- Bartender, bring us 300 shots!
- Jesus!
379
00:16:00,141 --> 00:16:01,942
Don't you guys ever want a night in
380
00:16:01,943 --> 00:16:05,312
or, you know, to spend time
with your children?
381
00:16:05,313 --> 00:16:07,414
Nah, dude. My dad didn't
spend any time with me,
382
00:16:07,415 --> 00:16:08,816
and I turned out great.
383
00:16:08,817 --> 00:16:12,319
What the hell, bartender?!
Why are you ignoring me?!
384
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,221
Why don't you like me?!
[mug shatters]
385
00:16:14,222 --> 00:16:18,090
[sobbing] Please just
give me a hug, bartender!
386
00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:20,459
[President Trump] Screw Mnuchin.
387
00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:23,629
Embracing Christianity gave me
something even better ...
388
00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:26,065
the tender devotion of millions.
389
00:16:26,066 --> 00:16:28,251
So, when do we go visit the
people who scream my name
390
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:31,670
- so hard, they throw up?
- Oh, today's just a quiet Bible study.
391
00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:33,072
Most of religion is just reading
392
00:16:33,073 --> 00:16:34,906
and then talking about the reading.
393
00:16:34,907 --> 00:16:36,842
And then repenting for reading.
394
00:16:36,843 --> 00:16:39,510
Let us open with a prayer.
Ben?
395
00:16:39,511 --> 00:16:43,315
Dear God, you're the tallest
being in all the land.
396
00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:46,584
You could probably
wink at airline pilots
397
00:16:46,585 --> 00:16:51,655
as if to say, "That's
some quality flying." Amen.
398
00:16:51,656 --> 00:16:53,523
[President Trump]
Now do we talk about me?
399
00:16:53,524 --> 00:16:56,626
Religion isn't about
glorifying yourself, silly.
400
00:16:56,627 --> 00:16:59,129
It's about making yourself so small
401
00:16:59,130 --> 00:17:02,867
that you can snuggle up for
a nap in the Lord's pocket!
402
00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:05,202
Some might say this is
the only 45 minutes a week
403
00:17:05,203 --> 00:17:06,803
where we don't talk about you.
404
00:17:06,804 --> 00:17:09,372
Then what the hell do you
talk about? Carl Icahn?
405
00:17:09,373 --> 00:17:12,508
Feels like this J.C. sesh
is getting tense.
406
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:15,044
So let me just say,
Mr. President, I love you.
407
00:17:15,045 --> 00:17:16,679
W-W-What are you talking about?
408
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,149
God rewards displays of
vulnerability and intimacy.
409
00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:22,118
- Everyone, join in.
- I love your soul.
410
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,387
- Our eternal love will never die.
- [DeVos] We are united as one with the Lord!
411
00:17:25,388 --> 00:17:27,956
[Sanders] His is the light
that shines through us all.
412
00:17:27,957 --> 00:17:30,292
[Mike Pence] Let us anoint
ourselves in oil and embrace.
413
00:17:30,293 --> 00:17:32,627
[Ben Carson] Cradle us in your bosom.
414
00:17:32,628 --> 00:17:36,340
[President Trump screams]
415
00:17:37,733 --> 00:17:40,402
[music]
416
00:17:40,703 --> 00:17:42,503
[Mike Pence]
And the streets will run red
417
00:17:42,504 --> 00:17:45,072
with their HPV-infected blood.
418
00:17:45,073 --> 00:17:46,673
So, happy Easter.
[applause]
419
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:49,310
Now I'd like to invite up
the most God-fearing president
420
00:17:49,311 --> 00:17:52,813
this country has ever known ...
Donald J. Trump!
421
00:17:52,814 --> 00:17:55,716
[sarcastically] Ugh! Wow!
What a service, folks.
422
00:17:55,717 --> 00:17:58,519
It's so much better than
being in the Palladium Club
423
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,687
watching Roy Cohn do blow off
every inch of Ed Koch.
424
00:18:01,688 --> 00:18:05,658
Anyway, open your stupid Bibles
and turn to the Jesus part.
425
00:18:05,659 --> 00:18:07,027
[tires screech]
426
00:18:07,028 --> 00:18:09,829
Why have you
forsaken me, Donald?!
427
00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:11,064
Who are you?!
428
00:18:11,065 --> 00:18:15,068
I am your true Lord and Savior ...
a golf cart.
429
00:18:15,069 --> 00:18:17,869
How dare you worship Christian idols!
430
00:18:17,870 --> 00:18:20,906
Right now you could be
on your 39th hole,
431
00:18:20,907 --> 00:18:23,842
trying to ride me over a baby alligator.
432
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:25,344
God, that sounds so fun.
433
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:27,279
No! Go away, devil!
434
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:31,631
[laughing evilly]
435
00:18:34,786 --> 00:18:38,655
I was... just talking to my golf cart.
436
00:18:39,224 --> 00:18:41,259
[man] What's it sayin'?
437
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:44,429
Jared!
I'm worried about you!
438
00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:46,597
You got so drunk,
you missed Shabbat.
439
00:18:46,598 --> 00:18:49,033
You were flipping light
switches like it was a Tuesday.
440
00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:51,101
Yeah, I thought you
wanted me to have friends.
441
00:18:51,102 --> 00:18:54,104
Right now, my only option is
spending nights with your brothers,
442
00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:55,905
drunkenly changing White House
computer home pages
443
00:18:55,906 --> 00:18:57,540
to porn-dot websites.
444
00:18:57,541 --> 00:19:00,110
There's a reason I chose
not to marry my brothers.
445
00:19:00,111 --> 00:19:02,912
I miss my sweet, lonely Jared.
446
00:19:02,913 --> 00:19:04,554
Preferences, privacy, advanced,
447
00:19:04,555 --> 00:19:07,549
clear cache and cookies.
Apply all!
448
00:19:07,550 --> 00:19:09,418
[music]
449
00:19:09,419 --> 00:19:11,454
[Don Jr.] Hey, Dad,
do you know where Jared is?
450
00:19:11,455 --> 00:19:13,722
We haven't seen him since
his 30th shot last night.
451
00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:16,058
I haven't, but sometimes
I catch him crying
452
00:19:16,059 --> 00:19:18,660
- in the janitor's closet.
- Oh, great. We'll check there.
453
00:19:18,661 --> 00:19:21,464
Wait. Do you boys
want to hang out?
454
00:19:21,465 --> 00:19:23,732
Dad, I'm not gonna lie.
I've dreamt of you
455
00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:27,002
saying those words to me
literally my whole, entire life.
456
00:19:27,003 --> 00:19:29,137
But you're kind of a
lame-ass church dork now,
457
00:19:29,138 --> 00:19:31,139
so it didn't really live up to the hype.
458
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:33,108
Why don't you just
throw out the Christ quilt
459
00:19:33,109 --> 00:19:35,743
- and get your sac back?
- I can't.
460
00:19:35,744 --> 00:19:37,078
If I lose those Christians,
461
00:19:37,079 --> 00:19:39,680
I'll lose their love
and this awful job I hate!
462
00:19:39,681 --> 00:19:41,781
? Three white people on a couch ?
463
00:19:41,782 --> 00:19:44,851
- It's "Fox Friends"
- Blessed Easter, everybody!
464
00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:47,287
We're celebrating by
counting down President Trump's
465
00:19:47,288 --> 00:19:49,656
top 10 most Christlike moments.
466
00:19:49,657 --> 00:19:52,192
Number five, imposing
worship requirements
467
00:19:52,193 --> 00:19:54,461
on our nation's Medicaid recipients.
468
00:19:54,462 --> 00:19:57,031
And later, the White House
Easter Egg Roll,
469
00:19:57,032 --> 00:19:58,764
which the President has promised
470
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:02,268
to be the most confrontationally
Christian in history!
471
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,837
Welcome, children-sized humans,
472
00:20:04,838 --> 00:20:06,539
to the White House Easter Egg Roll.
473
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:08,607
And now my favorite Bible story.
474
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:12,478
Elijah was going to Bethel,
and some children taunted him.
475
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,880
"Go away, bald head!"
Elijah cursed them.
476
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,015
Two bears charged
out of the underbrush
477
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:21,885
and ripped them limb from limb!
42 children in all!
478
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,290
[children crying]
479
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:27,225
Oh, great. This again.
480
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,460
[kicks landing]
481
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,295
- Oh! Yeah!
- Come on, Tillerson.
482
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:32,396
- Where are the eggs?
- Oh, man!
483
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,731
Jared. Quick ... punch
this bunny in the dong.
484
00:20:34,732 --> 00:20:37,301
I need both my hands
to record it on my phone.
485
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:39,470
Look. It's been fun
and pretty harrowing.
486
00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:42,473
But I just don't think I'm Trumpy
enough to hang with you guys.
487
00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:45,176
I-I promise I'll learn
to ride a bike soon!
488
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:48,579
- A-And then we can go on day trips!
- Don't bother, Eric.
489
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,913
Jared's exactly who we
always suspected he was ...
490
00:20:50,914 --> 00:20:53,216
a spoiled child of a disgraced
real-estate mogul
491
00:20:53,217 --> 00:20:55,685
with a total lack
of self-awareness.
492
00:20:55,686 --> 00:20:58,321
Sorry, babe. I know you
wanted me to have friends.
493
00:20:58,322 --> 00:21:00,390
You know, Jared, there's one thing
494
00:21:00,391 --> 00:21:05,428
my brothers value more than
themselves. Click to continue?
495
00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:09,731
[Tillerson] I want to die.
Rex Tillerson wants to die.
496
00:21:09,932 --> 00:21:13,702
Yo, Pence, Daddy, I'm sick
of this religion crap!
497
00:21:13,703 --> 00:21:16,071
I want to go back to betting
on celebrity nipple sizes
498
00:21:16,072 --> 00:21:17,672
without the risk of stoning.
499
00:21:17,673 --> 00:21:19,874
So let's figure this shit out
once and for all.
500
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:23,344
Which is the true religion ...
Christianity or Trumpianity?
501
00:21:23,345 --> 00:21:26,080
The Easter egg roll to end
all Easter egg rolls.
502
00:21:26,081 --> 00:21:29,917
If Christianity is the true religion,
Jesus will help Mike Pence win.
503
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:32,520
But if it's Trumpianity ...
which it is ...
504
00:21:32,521 --> 00:21:35,923
- then my dad will help himself win.
- Are you in, Pence?
505
00:21:35,924 --> 00:21:39,127
Or are you scared your buddy
Jesus' free ride is over?
506
00:21:39,128 --> 00:21:41,794
I believe all competition
is a prideful sin.
507
00:21:41,795 --> 00:21:44,631
But when God presents me
with a trial, I must obey.
508
00:21:44,632 --> 00:21:47,498
Get all those kids out of here!
This could get ugly!
509
00:21:48,236 --> 00:21:50,903
Please, God, guide my egg
straight and true.
510
00:21:50,904 --> 00:21:54,073
Please, egg, don't tempt me
into eating you.
511
00:21:54,074 --> 00:21:56,109
Drei, zwei, eins!
512
00:21:56,110 --> 00:21:57,443
[pistol fires]
Go!
513
00:21:57,444 --> 00:21:58,577
[music]
514
00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:01,913
N-o-o-o-o-o!
515
00:22:02,814 --> 00:22:07,286
[music]
[choir vocalizing]
516
00:22:07,287 --> 00:22:09,288
- God?
- Yes, my son.
517
00:22:09,289 --> 00:22:10,889
This game is not about winning.
518
00:22:10,890 --> 00:22:13,792
It is about putting your faith
in the power of Jesus ...
519
00:22:13,793 --> 00:22:16,461
- Aaaah!
- Winning proves your worth!
520
00:22:16,462 --> 00:22:18,062
Do what you would do!
521
00:22:18,063 --> 00:22:20,265
Go smash that loser's egg!
522
00:22:20,266 --> 00:22:24,402
I can't cheat. My supporters
want a moral man.
523
00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:27,004
They don't need you
to be moral, Donald.
524
00:22:27,005 --> 00:22:29,740
They just need you to appoint judges
525
00:22:29,741 --> 00:22:33,777
that pose with machine guns
in their Facebook photos.
526
00:22:33,778 --> 00:22:35,944
But how am I going to get up?
527
00:22:36,347 --> 00:22:39,416
- You might need God for that one.
- No chance, asshole!
528
00:22:39,417 --> 00:22:41,285
[music]
529
00:22:41,286 --> 00:22:45,088
Eeeeehhyyaa!
530
00:22:45,089 --> 00:22:47,791
Thanks, Jared. I'll take
the credit from here.
531
00:22:47,792 --> 00:22:50,926
[music]
532
00:22:50,927 --> 00:22:53,095
I win! Yeah, baby!
533
00:22:53,096 --> 00:22:55,964
Who's the winner?
I am! Ha ha!
534
00:22:55,965 --> 00:22:58,133
- Whoo-hoo!
- Ah-oo! Yeah! Awesome!
535
00:22:58,134 --> 00:23:01,304
[music]
536
00:23:01,305 --> 00:23:04,787
- Looks like you're a Trump after all.
- Rule numero uno ...
537
00:23:04,822 --> 00:23:06,941
make the dad
look good no matter what.
538
00:23:06,942 --> 00:23:08,310
Hey, we're gonna go dress up like
539
00:23:08,311 --> 00:23:11,145
super-realistic Arab dudes
and scare McMaster.
540
00:23:11,146 --> 00:23:13,682
- Are you coming?
- I can't keep up with you guys.
541
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,350
Whenever it's time for your dad
to pardon family members,
542
00:23:15,351 --> 00:23:17,485
I am definitely a Trump.
543
00:23:17,486 --> 00:23:19,554
But until then,
I'm just gonna be Jared.
544
00:23:19,555 --> 00:23:23,691
You may not be our bro, but you're
definitely our brother-in-law.
545
00:23:23,692 --> 00:23:27,328
You know, folks,
I have to stop living like Jesus
546
00:23:27,329 --> 00:23:29,830
and go back to living like God ...
547
00:23:29,831 --> 00:23:32,999
lashing out in anger,
no matter how many people drown.
548
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,736
That's why certain countries
have monsoon season.
549
00:23:35,737 --> 00:23:37,904
You people made me out
to be a Christ figure,
550
00:23:37,905 --> 00:23:39,972
but I'm more like
the opposite of Christ.
551
00:23:39,973 --> 00:23:42,742
You can call me, I don't know,
the anti-Christ.
552
00:23:42,743 --> 00:23:44,644
Oh, oh.
I like the sound of that.
553
00:23:44,645 --> 00:23:46,512
Happy Easter, kids!
554
00:23:46,513 --> 00:23:48,681
[Mike Pence] I don't know
what got into me.
555
00:23:48,682 --> 00:23:50,516
I thought I was helping our country
556
00:23:50,517 --> 00:23:53,853
by bringing you closer to God.
But it turns out,
557
00:23:53,854 --> 00:23:56,255
that just makes it easier
for you to kill him.
558
00:23:56,256 --> 00:23:58,056
No kidding.
Why don't we discuss it
559
00:23:58,057 --> 00:24:00,259
over some stolen Easter candy?
560
00:24:00,260 --> 00:24:03,995
- Why steal it? You're a rich man.
- How do you think I got so rich?
561
00:24:03,996 --> 00:24:08,173
Oh, wow. Now I see you
through a glass, darkly.
562
00:24:08,174 --> 00:24:12,744
['80s-style pop music plays]
Donald Trump is the president
563
00:24:12,745 --> 00:24:16,414
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
564
00:24:16,415 --> 00:24:18,749
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
565
00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:20,251
? Yes, he is ?
566
00:24:20,252 --> 00:24:23,421
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?
567
00:24:23,422 --> 00:24:26,023
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
568
00:24:26,024 --> 00:24:27,592
? Yes, he is ?
569
00:24:27,593 --> 00:24:30,560
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?
570
00:24:30,561 --> 00:24:36,064
? Donald Trump is the president ?
571
00:24:37,535 --> 00:24:39,202
? Donald Trump ?
572
00:24:39,203 --> 00:24:42,872
? He is our president ?
573
00:24:42,873 --> 00:24:46,042
? We made him president ?
574
00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:48,410
? We did it ?
575
00:24:48,411 --> 00:24:52,314
? Donald Trump is the president ?
576
00:24:52,315 --> 00:24:55,417
? We elected Donald Trump ?
577
00:24:55,418 --> 00:24:59,155
? Donald Trump is the president ?
578
00:24:59,156 --> 00:25:02,724
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
579
00:25:02,725 --> 00:25:05,826
? Yeah ?
580
00:25:06,082 --> 00:25:07,689
Trump!
581
00:25:08,452 --> 00:25:12,977
582
00:25:13,027 --> 00:25:17,577
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