Original subtitles

♪♪♪

I'm Anderson Cooper.

I'm rich, I'm hot, I don't need this. [sighs]

Earlier tonight, President Trump

released his March Madness bracket.

-Take a look. -Big fan of March Madness.

It will distract Americans while I pay off Stormy Daniels

by making her my top economic adviser.

She's got big shoes to fill.

No one put out for billionaires like Gary Cohn.

Anyways, my March Madness prediction -- Bulls in seven.

Wow. I'm being told

the leader of the free world is on the line?

[President Trump] Hey, Anderson, this trade war's gonna be fun!

You ready to pay 50 bucks for a stapler?

What's going on with your steel tariffs?

Get ready!

Buildings swaying in the breeze like fields of wheat.

How do you respond to reports of chaos in the White House?

Don't for a second believe that this White House is in chaos.

We're like a well-oiled tornado.

Any thoughts on Ted Cruz winning his primary?

Before this decade is out, we will make Ted Cruz

the first man to involuntarily walk on the Moon!

Jesus. When we come back,

who will be the next sycophant to blow this wide open?

[Hicks] Hey! Anderson! Am I gonna be on the show?!

[woman] Ted Cruz has won his primary and stands ready

to earn your vote to return to the United States Senate.

He supports a flat tax of 0.0%

and believes the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun

is 20 good teachers shooting guns

like out-of-control fire hoses.

And to America's next generation,

Ted Cruz won't just pay you lip service.

He'll be your personal "A Wrinkle in Time" god

ready to fold time and space to find your dad.

The freedom of a golden chalice of horse,

horse liberty, and freedom

riding along according to the Bible

and the Lord and the values.

[woman] And so forth.

This message has been paid for and approved by...

a-Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz! Ta-doo da-doh!

♪♪♪

[humming]

Unh! Oof!

♪♪♪

President Trump is in North Dakota

for a cam...paign-style rally,

cele...brating the completion

of a colossal frito pie in his likeness.

The media has been cordoned into a pen

usually reserved for pig insemination.

And reporters have already been menaced

and, in one unfortunate case, inseminated.

Fox News' Ed Henry is expecting.

Mazel tov on your gestating man-beast.

Let's go there live.

[cheers and applause] Wow.

We're having a great time, right, folks?

Look at all those people in the back hiding behind the cameras,

broadcasting real things I say and do.

What do we call them?

[crowd] Fake news!

That's right!

And they won't tell you this,

but I was born and raised

right here in North Dakota under these bleachers!

The land beneath your feet was my playground.

And what the hell? I'm 90% Sioux Indian!

-Yeah! -Make America great again!

And you know what? The lying media also

won't admit that my poll numbers are through the frickin' roof!

We're talking Gaddafi in his prime!

Look, I don't even have a TV.

I mean, I'm more of a book guy.

I breast-fed my boys.

I started the whole undershirt trend.

I was conceived when the first atomic bomb dropped

and born when the second one dropped!

-Whoo! -Yeah!

All you crowbar owners,

I'm not calling for violence against the media,

but let me just say that their skulls are full of candy!

♪♪♪

Setting aside that the President said

members of the press "make good ingredients,"

does he stand behind his repeated lies?

It's the position of this administration

that everything the President says is true

or becomes true the moment he says it.

So you won't admit that the President misspoke when he said

there's never been a movie about lawyers?

The President will not be hamstrung

by the arbitrary, half-baked concept of logic.

[man] Oh, you got to be kidding.

-Come on! -Jesus Christ.

[Cooper] And up next on the "The Ridiculist,"

is Trump's presidency rolling away from him?

According to Melania's eyes, it is.

Take a look at this eye-roll during the President's speech.

Ugh. Here's what our CNN eye-language expert had to say.

Well, the First Lady's eye-roll tells me that she thinks

her husband is in over his head.

Also, she's unhappy

because he calls the ice-cream freezer his real wife.

Wow. He's perceptive.

Melania, I want you to answer me honestly.

Were those your eyes?

Yes, but cut me some slack. I-I just did it once.

That's just the start. Take a look.

[President Trump] Name one Italian person

who doesn't like meatballs.

I used to be the face of Neutrogena.

I made Oprah wear all that weird shit

for that "A Wrinkle in Time" movie.

All right, I did it a lot, but I can't control it.

It's like how you can't talk to someone in leg braces

without commenting on them.

Honey, whenever your face undermines me,

it makes my job even harder than it already is.

Now let's watch another seven hours of TV.

[President Trump] All I ever hear around here is no.

Look, nuking the ocean

is the only way we're gonna get rid of the sharks.

Sir, I wouldn't bring this up

if not for the graveness of the situation,

but I believe we may have a media problem.

-Who cares? -What is the matter?

I think the paperboy is in love with my wife.

But you've been saying my press is great ever since I fired

your predecessor for saying I had bad press.

I've been operating under the assumption

that "great" means "a dizzying amount."

The major networks are simulcasting

a star-studded benefit to bribe you to quit,

and The Washington Post changed their slogan

from "Democracy dies in darkness"

to "Democracy died,

and the President is balls-deep in the corpse."

♪♪♪

Donald, did you know Jackie O

never rolled her eyes once during JFK's speeches?

I want to be like that,

the Washington woman with a face like a haunted mansion,

a beautiful exterior concealing screaming ghouls inside.

That's great, Melania.

I don't need to know what's inside you

any more than I need to know what's inside my book.

Can you find someone to teach me?

Of course. And the effort will be so worth it, believe me.

You know, I've come this far

only because I don't show my emotions.

What the fuck? Who the hell moved my goddamn Ring Pop?!

I'm gonna kill somebody!

[President Trump] All right, people.

I need an update on the signature legislation

that will define my legacy --

the bill that finally reduces the air in potato-chip bags.

Last week, I lobbied Congressional leaders,

and they all said, "If baby wants his bottle, then fine."

I believe they were complimenting your youthful skin.

That was last week, before the media

completely turned on you and pilloried the bill.

What? Are you kidding me?

That legislation was the only hill I was willing to die on.

Well, you should've thought of that

before you called on supporters

to make furniture out of the media's bones.

If I let them derail my potato-chip agenda,

I won't be able to look at the man I see

in the two gigantic mirrors placed side by side!

Melania, you asked for someone

who could teach you to hide your emotions,

so I searched the world, and lo and behold,

the perfect person was down the hall

and fit perfectly under our bed sheet.

Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders!

Look at that blank face. She's not even mad

that I had her stand under that sheet all night.

When I'm done with you, your face will not show

guilt, shame, joy, or fury.

Instead, it will be an unconquerable fortress

covered in rocks and spikes.

It's beautiful.

Dad, you got to put the media in their place,

or they'll just, like, bark and shit

all over the house like Eric. Yeah!

I can't manipulate the entire media. It's huge.

There's like four news channels, three newspapers,

plus Lonnie and the whole 104.5 morning zoo crew.

The media may be huge, but you're hugerer.

You need to bribe them, manipulate them,

be the guy who extorted a New York Post reporter

so they'd say you're good at tennis.

Yeah! The guy who convinced The Village Voice

to declare you the Downtown Club Queen of 1986!

The guy who called The Wall Street Journal

posing as a talking money clip upset about how hard it was

to hold all your cash.

Ah, good old Clippo. You're right, Don.

The press shouldn't be allowed to say whatever it wants

as much as I'm not allowed to say whatever I want.

I'm only allowed to say what my brain tells my mouth,

and the media should be no different.

Fuck yeah! All of that!

♪♪♪

President Trump has summoned prominent media figures

to the White House to rebuild the damaged relation...ship.

I was told to stay home, but that's okay,

because my wife is my best friend,

and we have great conversations.

Wow. Look at this. Isn't this tremendous?

Isn't it cozy? The media's here.

So great. You're not fake news.

You're real news.

Oh, look! It's Rachel Maddow. Yay!

And is that Anderson Cooper I see?

Handsome Andy -- that's what I call him.

We're really hitting it off, right?

Oh, hey, what do you say we start over,

and you report that I'm the best president in history?

Sir, all that we can promise

is that we will report the facts as we see them.

Screw you, Cooper, and your Judi Dench haircut!

Maddow, how many blazers do you own?! All of 'em?!

Dickerson, just how many people

have you drowned in those beautiful blue eyes?

Why can't you all be like Hannity and just report the facts?

Donald Trump's sperm would impregnate a block of gypsum!

Sir, if I may, we are journalists, damn it,

and that means we hold the powerful accountable

as long as it earns our parent companies

tanker ships full of cash.

All right, bribe time.

How many buckets of chicken will it take to buy your opinions?

I have all kinds -- barbecue, fried.

Forget it. I'll make a list.

I was gonna do it at some point today, anyway.

If you want to look composed around any old world leader,

I would recommend a shot of Botox.

But this is Donald Trump,

so we need to kill your face outright.

Now watch the screen.

Ooh. Beautiful deer.

[horn honking] What the --

Aah! [crash, people screaming]

Why would you show me this?!

Your husband's capable of saying worse.

Now deaden that face.

At least the driver was not injured.

[train whistle blows] [man] Oh, my God!

-No, no, no! -Oh, my God!

That is the worst thing I've ever seen!

Oh, he's in surgery. [monitor beeping]

He's -- He's going to be okay, right, Sarah?

-Right? -Watch the screen.

-[maniacal laughter] -The doctor's a clown.

-[crunching] -[gasps] And a cannibal!

N-o-o-o-o!!

[President Trump] Remember the drill --

you tell the press that I'm pen pals with some poor kid

and I give him tons of advice and money.

Classic Trump move --

plant a positive story and watch the great press come in.

[man] CNN tip line. How can I help you?

Hi. Uh, I'm 9 years old, and President Trump calls me

every morning to give me advice and lots of money.

Uh-huh. Nice story. And what's your name, young man?

Uh, Guy Callmaker?

Oh, fuck, crap, shit!

They practically put me on trial!

It's all right. Calm down while Eric gives it a shot.

Well, should be pretty easy for me.

6th grade, I played a yellow brick in "Wizard of Oz,"

so pretty much got that down.

[man] CNN tip line. How can I help you?

Uh, h-hello. I'm...Johnny...P-Phonedialer.

I'm a brick, and I would like to plant a story!

Crap!

Jesus Christ.

It's all right. Just calm down.

Let's let Don Junior try it again.

I didn't realize how much your face showed emotion,

so your training will be more intense,

starting at the end of this sentence.

Oh, no. What's going to happen?

-Ted Cruz! -N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!

Looking beautiful, as always, Madam First Lady!

Sarah and I worked out a deal.

She'll circle a bunch of cars in the desert

so I can fight Mike Pence for the Vice Presidency,

and I'll talk about things like I'm the only man on Earth

who grows hair into his body.

That's right -- every hair is ingrown!

Dermatologists can't explain it,

theologists curse it, and cats hiss at it.

I don't want to do this anymore!

We are at war with the media, and war is hell.

Kill me now!

Remember, your face should be as lifeless

as a dog after your brother shoots it.

Do it, Melania.

Okay. I'll try.

You ever think about how words

don't sound as disturbing if you sing them?

♪ Organ failure ♪

♪ Shattered pelvis ♪

♪ Internal hair! ♪

Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz!

♪♪♪

This is the footage that explains

the totality of the threat, sir.

[interpreter] Our great, handsome, fashion-forward Dear Leader,

who is a very skilled shark wrestler

and the world's funniest astronaut,

has once again successfully launched a missile

over Japanese airspace to the great joy

of the albino cucumbers that heralded his birth.

Wow. She's great.

Can we get her to do my next Super Bowl one-on-one?

Sir, we're only showing this

as proof of North Korea's nuclear capability.

You're freaking out about a glorified firecracker,

plus or minus a few Hawaiian islands?

You're completely ignoring

North Korea's far more powerful weapon --

a completely obedient news media.

Because they execute those who disagree with them.

Wow. They're even more advanced than I thought.

-Melania. -Oh, no, not you.

We have to pause our training.

We need to go comfort children

who watched baby sea otters swim into a boat propeller.

Okay. Let's go there and talk to them.

Does your face feel like crying or anythin'?

I feel like crying, but the tears are not coming.

I wanted to execute the mainstream media

like North Korea gets to,

but, uh, apparently that's a legal headache.

Instead, I just revoked their credentials.

On that note, a warm welcome

to the new and improved press corps --

Fox News, Daily Caller, Newsmax, News Guzzler,

The Weekly Liberty Townhall Freedom Shrieker,

and the rest.

[journalists cheer]

Uh, Randy Dosh from Randy Dosh Info Wash.

When did you realize

you were the greatest President in history?

W-Wow. Not until just now.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

[Conyers] Mr. President! Mr. President!

Biff Conyers, Capital Beacon, founded 1794.

Do you consider yourself

a snatch master or more of a pussy lord?

Whoa! Take it easy! My wife, Melanie's, here.

I-I mean...

Look at that blank mug. Isn't she great, folks?

[journalists cheering]

Wow. You guys really go along with everything, huh?

[President Trump] Melania, you were amazing!

I mean, you didn't bat an eye when I called you Melanie,

claimed I played in the NBA,

or put that dumb hat on you and told everyone to laugh.

I know. It's really great, right?

All right, cool.

Uh, by the way, I just used your wedding dress to sop up

some bolognese I spilled in your closet.

That's terrible.

What in God's name were you thinking?

You okay, Melania? Your face really isn't moving at all.

I know. That's what I wanted.

Well, big day tomorrow.

I'm gonna watch TV until the sun comes up.

♪♪♪

Sir, that press conference was amazing!

I haven't seen something that awesome since my friend Gary

shot a python out of a potato gun.

I don't know, Stevie.

I thought I wanted an adoring press,

but it feels wrong to have something come so easy

after a lifetime of hurdles.

You know, it's easy to spice things up.

Just put out a vase full of nose candy and sex toys.

When Karen and I want to spice things up,

I'll say something a little crazy.

For example, last night,

I told her the weather in a city we weren't even in.

That made her as spiced as an Easter ham!

You know, I never thought of saying something

just to get a rise out of people.

♪♪♪

Melania, Sarah Huckabee Sanders

told us the wonderful news that you killed your face,

and we just wanted to get together

and say congratulations

and recommend some creams to keep your cheeks from rotting.

Thank you very much, Pelosi.

It's good thinking to kill your face while it's in its prime.

Mine died at age 71

when I accidentally power-sawed my beloved cat.

You know, everyone in Washington

kills their face for different reasons.

Some women, like me, do it for political expediency.

Some men do it to keep their faces from twitching

when they're saying things like,

"Taxing the poor is the only way to help the less fortunate."

But no matter what your motivation,

know that it's only the first step.

To complete the transformation,

you also have to kill your thoughts!

Wait. If I don't have my thoughts, then who am I?

Those are just the thoughts you won't be having.

Sir, if you really want to get a rise out of the media,

I have a tank full of hundreds of scorpions

I've been shaking for weeks.

I'm not saying no yet,

but first, I'm gonna try saying some offbeat stuff.

Hey, everyone. Got some news.

We're gonna nuke Norway!

I'm sure the snatch master knows what he's doing.

-That seems fine. -Nicely done.

What the hell? They're okay with that?

I hold in my hand

a rare copy of the Declaration of Independence.

[lighter clicks]

Aaaaah!

[man] It's a great day for America!

[journalists cheering]

♪♪♪

You were supposed to stop my eye-rolling,

not kill my face so badly

that I end up in Pelosi's army of the dead!

If anything, I think Nancy Pelosi is too expressive.

I want my old face back.

Sorry, Melania. When you kill a face,

you can't bring it back to life

until you kill someone else's face.

Is that true?

No, but it'd make a pretty cool movie, huh?

-Want to write it with me? -No!

I don't want anything to do with you

or your pretty solid ideas for movies.

Goodbye!

♪♪♪

Dude, Dad, you should be psyched.

I've set a ton of people's eyeballs on fire,

and they never like it.

But the media is so frickin' boring now.

I mean, you should've never told me to put them in their place.

You should've known that I'd do too good a job.

I always do too good a job.

Don't put this on me, Dad. These are your ideas.

I just show them off like a cool car

that you would drive around a cliff

and everyone would point and look and be like,

"Wow! What a cool car! That guy is cool!"

Well, guess what, Don. I plunged into the cliff.

My brains are everywhere,

and Clippo's not around to call an ambulance.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[audience] Hannity!

The liberals want us to quarter immigrants in our houses

and let them bang our wives?!

Find out later the answer's yes.

But first, President Donald Trump.

The floor is yours, my liege.

Sean, I'm here because I made a huge mistake.

Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut! You can do no wrong, sir.

So this is just a five-dimensional chess game.

Checkmate!

Things have never been worse between me and the media.

I miss the magazine covers, the way they look,

the way they feel when they're whipping my ass.

Sir, I'd do the whipping myself,

but the homophobia's paying down the mortgage on my lake house.

I just want the fake news media back, Sean.

I'll let them put their microphones wherever they want.

And let me just say, sir,

nobody takes a microphone like you.

I'm so depressed, Sean.

The cheeseburgers pile up, but I'm not eating them.

I haven't cleaned my dentures in weeks.

I don't even want to start nuclear wars anymore.

All right, we got to cheer the President up.

Roll the montage of President Donald J. Trump

slurping down oysters.

Always good for a laugh.

Has Trump's presidency flatlined?

According to the First Lady's face, it has.

Take a look at this footage,

courtesy of Randy Dosh of Randy Dosh Info Wash,

whatever the hell that is.

I mean, doesn't she look ridiculous, folks?

-Am I right? -Look at that dumb hat!

[Cooper] Ice-queen alert.

Here's what our CNN eye-language expert had to say.

Well, the First Lady's dead eyes

tell me that she thinks her husband is a buffoon.

Also, she's unhappy because he used her christening dress

to clean bolognese off her wedding dress.

-I was gonna tell you. -I just can't win.

Hey, what did you say to me, lamp?!

Wow! Really?! You know what?

You're such a loser! Everyone's saying it!

What a sad lamp. A sad -- Very sad.

Pathetic, really. Sir.

I-I miss fighting, okay, General Kelly?

You wouldn't understand.

Just reinstate the press's credentials,

and they'll be back.

I don't know. The press is prickly.

You can't just lay out some peanut butter and 6 bucks

and expect them to come back.

Sir, do you know how badly the media needs you?

Do you think President Jeb Bush would've inspired viewers

to compulsively consume news out of fear for the Earth's fate?

-Do you mean it? -Of course I do.

I'm constantly checking Twitter

to see if I'm about to be promoted, fired, or vaporized.

All right. I've got an idea.

Lamp, sorry about before. I'm gonna need you on this.

Melania, I know you're scared

of killing your face and thoughts,

but keep in mind that it's helped me

and so many Washington types reach their goals.

You know, not to brag, but the other day,

I gave a speech to a stainless-steel wall.

And I killed an entire

healthcare program for impoverished children

while wearing the facial expression

of a man going produce shopping.

But your goals are not my goals.

I miss being alive,

being expressive, being human. Mm.

If that's the case,

you should know that it's not too late for you.

Really? What do you mean?

I don't know for sure, but legend has it

that with just the right stimulus

at exactly the right time,

or if your husband says something completely bat-shit,

your face will resurrect.

Holy shit. That thing is really stuck there.

[President Trump] Don, I'm sorry I blew up back there,

but a guy's allowed to fly off the handle once in his life, right?

Dude, we're good. I'm no angel, either.

Just ask the Punta Cana Highway Patrol, years 1995 through 2013.

So, you really want me to tell the mainstream media

that you're releasing your tax returns?

It's the only surefire way

to get them back to the White House.

For the last time, it's the spineless American media.

They'll come back.

Quiet, Kelly.

Mr. Phonedialer needs to concentrate.

[man] CNN tip line. How can I help you?

Hello. My name is Joey Ringring.

I work at the White House, and I got the tip of a lifetime.

[Melania] Donald, remember --

you must say the biggest whopper of a lie you've ever said.

Hey, I don't choose to lie.

I mean, does the ocean choose its tides?

Wow. This is nice, right? Are we loving it?

It's great to have the mainstream media back.

You've heard reports that my tax returns will soon leak.

Guess what -- we planted that story

to trick you into coming here!

-What the hell?! -Darn!

Wait! Stop! I did that for good reason.

I thought I wanted a nice, princely press corps,

the kind you can introduce to your parents.

But when I got it, I-I just longed for the bad-boy media.

So, here it goes.

I love you people.

I want to fight again. Makes me feel alive.

And I think it makes you feel alive, too.

So go ahead -- confront me.

Ask me why Melania rolls her eyes.

Come on! I love every second of it.

So, what do you say?

Want to jump on this crazy train for one more ride?

You can't just blow us off and expect us to come right back.

-Yes, I can. -All right, fine.

You claim your budget plan is revenue-neutral,

but the CBO says that's not true.

Well, guess what, folks.

We know what that is -- fake news!

-I did miss this. -That's our guy.

So, you -- you brought your face back from the dead, huh?

Yes. I guess I did.

All right. Well, I guess I'll see you around.

Sarah, I'm sorry about what I said.

I know you were just trying to help.

Thank you, Melania.

You've given me a lot to think about.

Maybe one day, I'll try to revive my face, too.

That would be great.

Oh, and if you ever want

to write that screenplay, let me know.

That's a great idea!

What if the face was alive the whole time

and it worked at a coffee shop

with a lot of other really cool and hip millennials?

[President Trump] Ahh.

Melania, I'm so glad you're back with your beautiful emotions,

proud of me, grateful to me, overcome with longing for me.

And I cherish your eye-rolls.

Thanks for saying that, Donald.

So, are you going to apologize

for setting me up with Sarah Huckabee Sanders?

You're the one who said you wanted media training.

Uh, yes, I said I wanted to train my face,

not to kill it completely.

You know what they say -- you can't make an omelet

without killing a few chickens.

Speaking of...

Ugh. I said no chicken in bed.

Chicken broth is not chicken. How many times do I have to say it?!

Donald, chew more slowly.

You're splashing chicken blood on my nightgown.

Oops. Hold still.

I'll find a dress to mop it up with.

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!

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