All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e06 Strategy.eng

♪♪♪

I'm Anderson Cooper.

I'm rich, I'm hot,
I don't need this. [sighs]

Earlier tonight, President Trump

released his
March Madness bracket.

-Take a look.
-Big fan of March Madness.

It will distract Americans
while I pay off Stormy Daniels

by making her
my top economic adviser.

She's got big shoes to fill.

No one put out for billionaires
like Gary Cohn.

Anyways, my March Madness
prediction -- Bulls in seven.

Wow. I'm being told

the leader of the free world
is on the line?

[President Trump] Hey, Anderson,
this trade war's gonna be fun!

You ready to pay 50 bucks
for a stapler?

What's going on with
your steel tariffs?

Get ready!

Buildings swaying in the breeze
like fields of wheat.

How do you respond to reports
of chaos in the White House?

Don't for a second believe that
this White House is in chaos.

We're like
a well-oiled tornado.

Any thoughts on Ted Cruz
winning his primary?

Before this decade is out,
we will make Ted Cruz

the first man to involuntarily
walk on the Moon!

Jesus.
When we come back,

who will be the next sycophant
to blow this wide open?

[Hicks] Hey! Anderson!
Am I gonna be on the show?!

[woman] Ted Cruz has won his
primary and stands ready

to earn your vote to return
to the United States Senate.

He supports a flat tax of 0.0%

and believes the only way
to stop a bad guy with a gun

is 20 good teachers
shooting guns

like out-of-control fire hoses.

And to America's
next generation,

Ted Cruz won't just
pay you lip service.

He'll be your personal
"A Wrinkle in Time" god

ready to fold time and space
to find your dad.

The freedom of
a golden chalice of horse,

horse liberty, and freedom

riding along
according to the Bible

and the Lord and the values.

[woman] And so forth.

This message has been paid for
and approved by...

a-Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz! Ta-doo da-doh!

♪♪♪

[humming]

Unh! Oof!

♪♪♪

President Trump
is in North Dakota

for a cam...paign-style rally,

cele...brating the completion

of a colossal frito pie
in his likeness.

The media has been
cordoned into a pen

usually reserved
for pig insemination.

And reporters
have already been menaced

and, in one unfortunate case,
inseminated.

Fox News' Ed Henry is expecting.

Mazel tov on your
gestating man-beast.

Let's go there live.

[cheers and applause]
Wow.

We're having a great time,
right, folks?

Look at all those people in the
back hiding behind the cameras,

broadcasting real things
I say and do.

What do we call them?

[crowd] Fake news!

That's right!

And they won't tell you this,

but I was born and raised

right here in North Dakota
under these bleachers!

The land beneath your feet
was my playground.

And what the hell?
I'm 90% Sioux Indian!

-Yeah!
-Make America great again!

And you know what?
The lying media also

won't admit that my poll numbers
are through the frickin' roof!

We're talking
Gaddafi in his prime!

Look, I don't even have a TV.

I mean, I'm more of a book guy.

I breast-fed my boys.

I started the whole
undershirt trend.

I was conceived when
the first atomic bomb dropped

and born when
the second one dropped!

-Whoo!
-Yeah!

All you crowbar owners,

I'm not calling for violence
against the media,

but let me just say that
their skulls are full of candy!

♪♪♪

Setting aside that
the President said

members of the press
"make good ingredients,"

does he stand behind
his repeated lies?

It's the position
of this administration

that everything
the President says is true

or becomes true
the moment he says it.

So you won't admit that the
President misspoke when he said

there's never been
a movie about lawyers?

The President
will not be hamstrung

by the arbitrary,
half-baked concept of logic.

[man] Oh,
you got to be kidding.

-Come on!
-Jesus Christ.

[Cooper] And up next on
the "The Ridiculist,"

is Trump's presidency
rolling away from him?

According to Melania's eyes,
it is.

Take a look at this eye-roll
during the President's speech.

Ugh. Here's what our CNN
eye-language expert had to say.

Well, the First Lady's eye-roll
tells me that she thinks

her husband is in over his head.

Also, she's unhappy

because he calls the ice-cream
freezer his real wife.

Wow.
He's perceptive.

Melania, I want you
to answer me honestly.

Were those your eyes?

Yes, but cut me some slack.
I-I just did it once.

That's just the start.
Take a look.

[President Trump]
Name one Italian person

who doesn't like meatballs.

I used to be the
face of Neutrogena.

I made Oprah wear
all that weird shit

for that
"A Wrinkle in Time" movie.

All right, I did it a lot,
but I can't control it.

It's like how you can't talk
to someone in leg braces

without commenting
on them.

Honey, whenever your face
undermines me,

it makes my job even harder
than it already is.

Now let's watch another
seven hours of TV.

[President Trump] All I ever
hear around here is no.

Look, nuking the ocean

is the only way we're
gonna get rid of the sharks.

Sir, I wouldn't
bring this up

if not for the graveness
of the situation,

but I believe we may
have a media problem.

-Who cares?
-What is the matter?

I think the paperboy
is in love with my wife.

But you've been saying my press
is great ever since I fired

your predecessor for
saying I had bad press.

I've been operating
under the assumption

that "great" means
"a dizzying amount."

The major networks
are simulcasting

a star-studded benefit
to bribe you to quit,

and The Washington Post
changed their slogan

from "Democracy
dies in darkness"

to "Democracy died,

and the President is
balls-deep in the corpse."

♪♪♪

Donald, did you know
Jackie O

never rolled her eyes once
during JFK's speeches?

I want to be like that,

the Washington woman with a face
like a haunted mansion,

a beautiful exterior concealing
screaming ghouls inside.

That's great, Melania.

I don't need to know
what's inside you

any more than I need to know
what's inside my book.

Can you find someone
to teach me?

Of course. And the effort will
be so worth it, believe me.

You know,
I've come this far

only because
I don't show my emotions.

What the fuck? Who the hell
moved my goddamn Ring Pop?!

I'm gonna kill somebody!

[President Trump]
All right, people.

I need an update
on the signature legislation

that will define my legacy --

the bill that finally reduces
the air in potato-chip bags.

Last week, I lobbied
Congressional leaders,

and they all said, "If baby
wants his bottle, then fine."

I believe they were
complimenting your youthful skin.

That was last week,
before the media

completely turned on you
and pilloried the bill.

What?
Are you kidding me?

That legislation was the only
hill I was willing to die on.

Well, you should've
thought of that

before you
called on supporters

to make furniture out of
the media's bones.

If I let them derail
my potato-chip agenda,

I won't be able
to look at the man I see

in the two gigantic mirrors
placed side by side!

Melania,
you asked for someone

who could teach you
to hide your emotions,

so I searched the world,
and lo and behold,

the perfect person
was down the hall

and fit perfectly
under our bed sheet.

Press secretary
Sarah Huckabee Sanders!

Look at that blank face.
She's not even mad

that I had her stand
under that sheet all night.

When I'm done with you,
your face will not show

guilt, shame,
joy, or fury.

Instead, it will be an
unconquerable fortress

covered in rocks
and spikes.

It's beautiful.

Dad, you got to put the media
in their place,

or they'll just, like,
bark and shit

all over the house
like Eric. Yeah!

I can't manipulate the
entire media. It's huge.

There's like four news channels,
three newspapers,

plus Lonnie and the whole
104.5 morning zoo crew.

The media may be huge,
but you're hugerer.

You need to bribe them,
manipulate them,

be the guy who extorted
a New York Post reporter

so they'd say you're
good at tennis.

Yeah! The guy who convinced
The Village Voice

to declare you the
Downtown Club Queen of 1986!

The guy who called
The Wall Street Journal

posing as a talking money clip
upset about how hard it was

to hold all your cash.

Ah, good old Clippo.
You're right, Don.

The press shouldn't be allowed
to say whatever it wants

as much as I'm not allowed
to say whatever I want.

I'm only allowed to say
what my brain tells my mouth,

and the media
should be no different.

Fuck yeah!
All of that!

♪♪♪

President Trump has summoned
prominent media figures

to the White House to rebuild
the damaged relation...ship.

I was told to stay home,
but that's okay,

because my wife
is my best friend,

and we have great conversations.

Wow. Look at this.
Isn't this tremendous?

Isn't it cozy?
The media's here.

So great.
You're not fake news.

You're real news.

Oh, look!
It's Rachel Maddow. Yay!

And is that
Anderson Cooper I see?

Handsome Andy --
that's what I call him.

We're really
hitting it off, right?

Oh, hey, what do you say
we start over,

and you report that I'm
the best president in history?

Sir, all that
we can promise

is that we will report
the facts as we see them.

Screw you, Cooper, and
your Judi Dench haircut!

Maddow, how many blazers
do you own?! All of 'em?!

Dickerson,
just how many people

have you drowned in those
beautiful blue eyes?

Why can't you all
be like Hannity and just report the facts?

Donald Trump's sperm would
impregnate a block of gypsum!

Sir, if I may,
we are journalists, damn it,

and that means we hold
the powerful accountable

as long as it earns
our parent companies

tanker ships
full of cash.

All right, bribe time.

How many buckets of chicken will
it take to buy your opinions?

I have all kinds --
barbecue, fried.

Forget it.
I'll make a list.

I was gonna do it at
some point today, anyway.

If you want to look composed
around any old world leader,

I would recommend
a shot of Botox.

But this is Donald Trump,

so we need to kill
your face outright.

Now watch the screen.

Ooh. Beautiful deer.

[horn honking]
What the --

Aah!
[crash, people screaming]

Why would you show me this?!

Your husband's capable
of saying worse.

Now deaden that face.

At least the driver
was not injured.

[train whistle blows]
[man] Oh, my God!

-No, no, no!
-Oh, my God!

That is the worst thing
I've ever seen!

Oh, he's in surgery.
[monitor beeping]

He's -- He's going to
be okay, right, Sarah?

-Right?
-Watch the screen.

-[maniacal laughter]
-The doctor's a clown.

-[crunching]
-[gasps] And a cannibal!

N-o-o-o-o!!

[President Trump]
Remember the drill --

you tell the press that I'm
pen pals with some poor kid

and I give him
tons of advice and money.

Classic Trump move --

plant a positive story and
watch the great press come in.

[man] CNN tip line.
How can I help you?

Hi. Uh, I'm 9 years old,
and President Trump calls me

every morning to give me
advice and lots of money.

Uh-huh. Nice story. And
what's your name, young man?

Uh, Guy Callmaker?

Oh, fuck, crap, shit!

They practically
put me on trial!

It's all right. Calm down
while Eric gives it a shot.

Well, should be
pretty easy for me.

6th grade, I played a yellow
brick in "Wizard of Oz,"

so pretty much
got that down.

[man] CNN tip line.
How can I help you?

Uh, h-hello.
I'm...Johnny...P-Phonedialer.

I'm a brick, and I would
like to plant a story!

Crap!

Jesus Christ.

It's all right.
Just calm down.

Let's let Don Junior
try it again.

I didn't realize how much
your face showed emotion,

so your training
will be more intense,

starting at the end
of this sentence.

Oh, no.
What's going to happen?

-Ted Cruz!
-N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!

Looking beautiful, as always,
Madam First Lady!

Sarah and I
worked out a deal.

She'll circle a bunch
of cars in the desert

so I can fight Mike Pence
for the Vice Presidency,

and I'll talk about things
like I'm the only man on Earth

who grows hair
into his body.

That's right --
every hair is ingrown!

Dermatologists
can't explain it,

theologists curse it,
and cats hiss at it.

I don't want
to do this anymore!

We are at war with the media,
and war is hell.

Kill me now!

Remember, your face
should be as lifeless

as a dog after your
brother shoots it.

Do it, Melania.

Okay.
I'll try.

You ever think
about how words

don't sound as disturbing
if you sing them?

♪ Organ failure ♪

♪ Shattered pelvis ♪

♪ Internal hair! ♪

Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz!

♪♪♪

This is the footage
that explains

the totality
of the threat, sir.

[interpreter]
Our great, handsome, fashion-forward Dear Leader,

who is a very skilled
shark wrestler

and the world's
funniest astronaut,

has once again successfully
launched a missile

over Japanese airspace
to the great joy

of the albino cucumbers
that heralded his birth.

Wow. She's great.

Can we get her to do my
next Super Bowl one-on-one?

Sir, we're only
showing this

as proof of North Korea's
nuclear capability.

You're freaking out about
a glorified firecracker,

plus or minus
a few Hawaiian islands?

You're completely ignoring

North Korea's
far more powerful weapon --

a completely obedient
news media.

Because they execute those
who disagree with them.

Wow. They're even more
advanced than I thought.

-Melania.
-Oh, no, not you.

We have to
pause our training.

We need to go
comfort children

who watched baby sea otters
swim into a boat propeller.

Okay. Let's go there
and talk to them.

Does your face feel
like crying or anythin'?

I feel like crying,
but the tears are not coming.

I wanted to execute
the mainstream media

like North Korea gets to,

but, uh, apparently
that's a legal headache.

Instead, I just revoked
their credentials.

On that note, a warm welcome

to the new and improved
press corps --

Fox News, Daily Caller,
Newsmax, News Guzzler,

The Weekly Liberty Townhall
Freedom Shrieker,

and the rest.

[journalists cheer]

Uh, Randy Dosh from
Randy Dosh Info Wash.

When did you realize

you were the greatest
President in history?

W-Wow.
Not until just now.

Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.

[Conyers] Mr. President!
Mr. President!

Biff Conyers, Capital Beacon,
founded 1794.

Do you consider yourself

a snatch master or
more of a pussy lord?

Whoa! Take it easy!
My wife, Melanie's, here.

I-I mean...

Look at that blank mug.
Isn't she great, folks?

[journalists cheering]

Wow. You guys really go along
with everything, huh?

[President Trump] Melania,
you were amazing!

I mean, you didn't bat an eye
when I called you Melanie,

claimed I played in the NBA,

or put that dumb hat on you
and told everyone to laugh.

I know.
It's really great, right?

All right, cool.

Uh, by the way, I just used
your wedding dress to sop up

some bolognese I spilled
in your closet.

That's terrible.

What in God's name
were you thinking?

You okay, Melania? Your face
really isn't moving at all.

I know.
That's what I wanted.

Well, big day tomorrow.

I'm gonna watch TV
until the sun comes up.

♪♪♪

Sir, that press
conference was amazing!

I haven't seen something that
awesome since my friend Gary

shot a python
out of a potato gun.

I don't know, Stevie.

I thought I wanted
an adoring press,

but it feels wrong to have
something come so easy

after a lifetime of hurdles.

You know, it's easy
to spice things up.

Just put out a vase full
of nose candy and sex toys.

When Karen and I want
to spice things up,

I'll say something
a little crazy.

For example, last night,

I told her the weather
in a city we weren't even in.

That made her as spiced
as an Easter ham!

You know, I never
thought of saying something

just to get a rise
out of people.

♪♪♪

Melania,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders

told us the wonderful news
that you killed your face,

and we just wanted
to get together

and say congratulations

and recommend some creams to
keep your cheeks from rotting.

Thank you very much,
Pelosi.

It's good thinking to kill your
face while it's in its prime.

Mine died at age 71

when I accidentally
power-sawed my beloved cat.

You know, everyone
in Washington

kills their face
for different reasons.

Some women, like me, do it
for political expediency.

Some men do it to keep
their faces from twitching

when they're
saying things like,

"Taxing the poor is the only way
to help the less fortunate."

But no matter
what your motivation,

know that it's only
the first step.

To complete
the transformation,

you also have to
kill your thoughts!

Wait. If I don't have
my thoughts, then who am I?

Those are just the thoughts
you won't be having.

Sir, if you really want to
get a rise out of the media,

I have a tank full of
hundreds of scorpions

I've been shaking
for weeks.

I'm not saying no yet,

but first, I'm gonna try
saying some offbeat stuff.

Hey, everyone.
Got some news.

We're gonna nuke Norway!

I'm sure the snatch master
knows what he's doing.

-That seems fine.
-Nicely done.

What the hell?
They're okay with that?

I hold in my hand

a rare copy of the
Declaration of Independence.

[lighter clicks]

Aaaaah!

[man] It's a great day
for America!

[journalists cheering]

♪♪♪

You were supposed to
stop my eye-rolling,

not kill my face so badly

that I end up in
Pelosi's army of the dead!

If anything, I think
Nancy Pelosi is too expressive.

I want my old face back.

Sorry, Melania.
When you kill a face,

you can't bring it
back to life

until you kill
someone else's face.

Is that true?

No, but it'd make
a pretty cool movie, huh?

-Want to write it with me?
-No!

I don't want anything
to do with you

or your pretty solid ideas
for movies.

Goodbye!

♪♪♪

Dude, Dad,
you should be psyched.

I've set a ton of people's
eyeballs on fire,

and they never like it.

But the media is so
frickin' boring now.

I mean, you should've never told
me to put them in their place.

You should've known
that I'd do too good a job.

I always do
too good a job.

Don't put this on me, Dad.
These are your ideas.

I just show them off
like a cool car

that you would
drive around a cliff

and everyone would point
and look and be like,

"Wow! What a cool car!
That guy is cool!"

Well, guess what, Don.
I plunged into the cliff.

My brains are everywhere,

and Clippo's not around
to call an ambulance.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[audience] Hannity!

The liberals want us to
quarter immigrants in our houses

and let them bang our wives?!

Find out later the answer's yes.

But first,
President Donald Trump.

The floor is yours,
my liege.

Sean, I'm here because
I made a huge mistake.

Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut!
You can do no wrong, sir.

So this is just a
five-dimensional chess game.

Checkmate!

Things have never been worse
between me and the media.

I miss the magazine covers,
the way they look,

the way they feel when
they're whipping my ass.

Sir, I'd do
the whipping myself,

but the homophobia's paying down
the mortgage on my lake house.

I just want the fake news
media back, Sean.

I'll let them put their
microphones wherever they want.

And let me just say, sir,

nobody takes
a microphone like you.

I'm so depressed, Sean.

The cheeseburgers pile up,
but I'm not eating them.

I haven't cleaned
my dentures in weeks.

I don't even want to start
nuclear wars anymore.

All right, we got to
cheer the President up.

Roll the montage of
President Donald J. Trump

slurping down oysters.

Always good for a laugh.

Has Trump's
presidency flatlined?

According to the
First Lady's face, it has.

Take a look at this footage,

courtesy of Randy Dosh
of Randy Dosh Info Wash,

whatever the hell that is.

I mean, doesn't she look
ridiculous, folks?

-Am I right?
-Look at that dumb hat!

[Cooper]
Ice-queen alert.

Here's what our CNN eye-language
expert had to say.

Well, the First Lady's dead eyes

tell me that she thinks
her husband is a buffoon.

Also, she's unhappy because
he used her christening dress

to clean bolognese
off her wedding dress.

-I was gonna tell you.
-I just can't win.

Hey, what did you say
to me, lamp?!

Wow! Really?!
You know what?

You're such a loser!
Everyone's saying it!

What a sad lamp.
A sad -- Very sad.

Pathetic, really.
Sir.

I-I miss fighting, okay,
General Kelly?

You wouldn't understand.

Just reinstate the
press's credentials,

and they'll be back.

I don't know.
The press is prickly.

You can't just lay out
some peanut butter and 6 bucks

and expect them
to come back.

Sir, do you know how badly
the media needs you?

Do you think President Jeb Bush
would've inspired viewers

to compulsively consume news out
of fear for the Earth's fate?

-Do you mean it?
-Of course I do.

I'm constantly
checking Twitter

to see if I'm about to be
promoted, fired, or vaporized.

All right.
I've got an idea.

Lamp, sorry about before.
I'm gonna need you on this.

Melania,
I know you're scared

of killing your face
and thoughts,

but keep in mind
that it's helped me

and so many Washington types
reach their goals.

You know, not to brag,
but the other day,

I gave a speech
to a stainless-steel wall.

And I killed an entire

healthcare program
for impoverished children

while wearing
the facial expression

of a man going
produce shopping.

But your goals
are not my goals.

I miss being alive,

being expressive,
being human. Mm.

If that's the case,

you should know that
it's not too late for you.

Really?
What do you mean?

I don't know for sure,
but legend has it

that with just
the right stimulus

at exactly the right time,

or if your husband says
something completely bat-shit,

your face will resurrect.

Holy shit. That thing
is really stuck there.

[President Trump] Don,
I'm sorry I blew up back there,

but a guy's allowed to
fly off the handle once in his life, right?

Dude, we're good.
I'm no angel, either.

Just ask the Punta Cana Highway
Patrol, years 1995 through 2013.

So, you really want me to
tell the mainstream media

that you're releasing
your tax returns?

It's the only surefire way

to get them back
to the White House.

For the last time, it's the
spineless American media.

They'll come back.

Quiet, Kelly.

Mr. Phonedialer
needs to concentrate.

[man] CNN tip line.
How can I help you?

Hello.
My name is Joey Ringring.

I work at the White House,
and I got the tip of a lifetime.

[Melania]
Donald, remember --

you must say the biggest whopper
of a lie you've ever said.

Hey, I don't
choose to lie.

I mean, does the ocean
choose its tides?

Wow. This is nice, right?
Are we loving it?

It's great to have
the mainstream media back.

You've heard reports that
my tax returns will soon leak.

Guess what --
we planted that story

to trick you
into coming here!

-What the hell?!
-Darn!

Wait! Stop!
I did that for good reason.

I thought I wanted a nice,
princely press corps,

the kind you can introduce
to your parents.

But when I got it, I-I just
longed for the bad-boy media.

So, here it goes.

I love you people.

I want to fight again.
Makes me feel alive.

And I think
it makes you feel alive, too.

So go ahead -- confront me.

Ask me why Melania
rolls her eyes.

Come on!
I love every second of it.

So, what do you say?

Want to jump on this crazy train
for one more ride?

You can't just blow
us off and expect us to come right back.

-Yes, I can.
-All right, fine.

You claim your budget plan
is revenue-neutral,

but the CBO says
that's not true.

Well, guess what, folks.

We know what that is --
fake news!

-I did miss this.
-That's our guy.

So, you -- you brought your
face back from the dead, huh?

Yes. I guess I did.

All right. Well, I guess
I'll see you around.

Sarah, I'm sorry
about what I said.

I know you were just
trying to help.

Thank you, Melania.

You've given me a lot
to think about.

Maybe one day, I'll try
to revive my face, too.

That would be great.

Oh, and if you ever want

to write that screenplay,
let me know.

That's a great idea!

What if the face
was alive the whole time

and it worked
at a coffee shop

with a lot of other really
cool and hip millennials?

[President Trump] Ahh.

Melania, I'm so glad you're back
with your beautiful emotions,

proud of me, grateful to me,
overcome with longing for me.

And I cherish
your eye-rolls.

Thanks for
saying that, Donald.

So, are you
going to apologize

for setting me up with
Sarah Huckabee Sanders?

You're the one who said
you wanted media training.

Uh, yes, I said I wanted
to train my face,

not to kill it
completely.

You know what they say --
you can't make an omelet

without killing
a few chickens.

Speaking of...

Ugh. I said
no chicken in bed.

Chicken broth is not
chicken. How many times do I have to say it?!

Donald,
chew more slowly.

You're splashing chicken blood
on my nightgown.

Oops. Hold still.

I'll find a dress
to mop it up with.

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!

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